Susan's Place Transgender Resources

At the end of the Tuesday earlier occurred this week, I made a revelation. See, before Tuesday, I always had a reason I wasn't addicted to pills or alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic because I rarely black out, or I'm not addicted to my pills because I'm prescribed them. Or, lastly, and mostly, I can't be an addict because I'm only sixteen. Then, Tuesday I had kind of a wake up call after a whole day of bad judgement.

The day started out with a Xanax, as per usual, and as I'm prescribed. I filled a joint container (Thin, long, container that's opened by squeezing) halfway up with the Xanax, and headed to school, which I had decided I didn't want to go to that day, and then, behind the school building, among others popping and snorting, I set to crushing most of my pills, and shared two with a couple strangers, and did my line. Then, a few hours later, after sharing the last two of my pills with an old friend, she split with me a line of Oxycodone.

Honestly, that probably wouldn't have been too good for me in the first place, but then afterwards, I decided that it would be a good idea to ask a girl nearby who was also ditching and had a bottle of vodka in her hands, if I could have a few shots.....
And that's were I blacked out.
As I learned yesterday, I started to drink, I was fine, drunk, stumbly, but fine, and then I collapsed, and according to everyone that was around, I started foaming at the mouth and my eyes started to roll in the back of my head. When I got an explanation from the doctor later, I then learned that the alcohol caused the pills to react and make me overdose, and thus I almost died.

I guess my point in even posting this have dual purpose, one, because I needed to write out my experience to fully process, I guess, and two, I'm kind of looking for some support in this, even if it's just reading this and knowing, y'know? And also, if I keep my progress posted in this thread, I can keep myself accountable. Hopefully

Rule number one - Alcohol and pills never mix well

I have watched 3 friends drink themselves into early graves. The last one was two years ago and for the final 18 months of her life her liver was 98% dead. Her kidneys were barely functioning and her pancreas came and went. She could not even be given any medical drugs because her body could not clean them out of her bloodstream nor metabolise them. She drank instead of eating food and so her body began digesting muscle mass. In spite of all this she kept drinking.

None of the three of them believed they had a drink problem.

The first step in solving a problem is to admit you have the problem. Do not go the way of my friends, if you can get clear of the booze and meds then do so because the earlier the better.

Hi Kidd, I read, and I know. I drank from 12 to 24 and then realized that was no way to live and gave it up. That was in 1986.

You realize there's a problem, that's how you start to help yourself. I'll be monitoring your progress, too.  :)

Be strong!

Hugs, Devlyn

Count me in as one of your readers. As I am from an older generation, pills and alcohol killed many people and it was known how dangerous the combination of the two was. I think the most famous name was Marilyn Monroe who lost her life because of the combination of the two. Most often it was because they though it was a good idea washing the pills down with a drink instead of water. Be careful because we want you to have a long happy life.

Thank you three for the support, and for sharing it with me. As of tomorrow, it'll be my first week being completely clean (except marijuana). I went through my house yesterday, and got rid of the rest of my pills, and asked my mother's boyfriend to get his alcohol out of the house (He won't, but I didn't expect any different), and I'm finally starting to not feel like super sick and awful. Just hoping this next week will go as smoothly.

Long before coming out, I made a personal decision. I knew it would be very hard for me to transition in those day and I badly wanted to transition. I also knew the temptation I would face if I found the magic drug that made all the pain go away. I feared I would live with the drug instead of seeking true happiness. As the result, the only time I have had anything pain killing or mood altering was under a doctors care. All the alcohol I have consumed would fit in a shot glass with room to spare. My one vice is getting hight on life and I do that every day. I understand how hard it is to quit an addiction and I have seen many people fail but I want you to have what I have.

Thank you again, Dena, I really appreciate that. I wish the amount of alcohol I drank over my lifetime could even fit in my bathtub. I guess the hardest thing about it is that, I mean, there is no magic drug to make all the pain go away, but some things make the pain go away for a while, and after long enough, you get attached even to the specific pains that the substance causes, and I mean, after a while, you feel like you can't be okay even, or happy especially without it.

Had am MRI today, my doctor wants to make sure no intense brain damage was caused when I ODed, been a week clean.

Good luck with the MRI and congratulations on the first week of sober.

Ok, so, I  tried, like really hard, but I still screwed up. I started snorting xanax again and got myself a court date for drinking. I'm back off the pills and liquor, but my therapist is suggesting rehab.

Big hug! That might be the way to go. You said you tried, and there's no shame in trying. Sometimes we need help, and sometimes that help needs to be professional. Start counting days again!  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Rehab is something you should try. The other thing is if you look at your life you may find when you do certain things or are with certain people you are likely to abuse. If you find these triggers, you need to alter your life so you are no longer around them. You may not be able to resist a bad influence but you can avoid them. You might lose a few friends in the process but these friends are not out to help you and may end up killing you.

I'm trying to avoid an inpatient rehab if possible, and currently am currently working with several people to put support systems in to  hopefully avoid having to go to rehab or being on probation until I am 18. Therapy, possible AA or NA, etc.

It's been forever since I've been in the internet, much less updated this, so I'm going to make quick documentation of my progress, then probably find another thread to post on to distract myself. So, I was doing pretty great for about a month there, completely clean, totally sober, but at the end of December I kinda started to fall off the bandwagon, mostly honestly because I had been giving my pills to others instead of taking them myself, however one of my friends got me to snort a xanax with her and I was soon snorting them daily with her, and getting drunk as often as I could get my hands on the liquor. I'm now three days clean and sober, and going back to counting the days, because while I'm mostly sober now, I still keep slipping up, and if I can a least get the days between to be larger amounts of time, I'll be happy.

Uh huh... More than 3 years ago I had that moment... Xanax was all I had - about 24 pills of 2mg. I read on the internet that the only way to kill yourself with Xanax would be to choke on a pill - and as I had no barbiturates to mix with it, alco went as my choice. I waited for anyone in the house to fall asleep and started popping those pills and drinking over 1 l of dark beer. One thing which I did not take into account was that on an empty stomach (and extreme stress which I tried to deny) my body did not respond well to the alcochol. So, as soon as my vision started to get blurry and I was laying down in my bed waiting to pass out, I felt the urge to throw up...  I did so and that cleared my system from most of the stuff...
Well,  I was always wondering afterwards - if things could have ended differently - and after reading Your post, I think now I know the answer... For that, I thank You!

I do this sometimes. I mean, self-medicate. But I wouldn't call what I do an addiction because its not consistent like with my "slight" addiction to porn (and my social worker)....definitely need major help with those things. -.- I suppose something could be considered an addiction if its making daily functioning an impossibility.

Have you ever done any Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOPs)? They are so helpful. As I completed one before two years ago and use its coping mechanisms to this day!^^ I highly recommend them to anyone struggling with things like addiction.

Last post was two days ago. It's been 5 days then.  Anyway, Emily, I'm actually kind of glad to have answered your question, and I'm glad you're still around. Pheonix, I've tried talking to people about exactly that, but seeing as I live in the more forgotten part of Colorado, the closest place I'd have to that is in the next state over, and I can't afford the gas.

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Week one. This is starting to feel tedious and all my loved ones are starting to hate me.

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I had to walk away from a lot of people, family included. It's a tough road, that's for sure.

Hugs, Devlyn

It mostly sucks because it's mostly those who claimed to support me totally..

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When you decide to alter your life, you need to do it for yourself. You also shouldn't rely on other but you should appreciate it when you receive help from other. Living your life for somebody else never works because others may expect more out of you than you are able to give.

When I came out of the closet, I was willing to give up everything to find happiness. I was fortunate that I kept much of what I had and I appreciate everybody who stayed with me. Yes it is hard but sometimes people change there minds when they understand the truth.

Xanax is a very useful drug for treating the kind of depression you may be feeling, but crushing and snorting them is a good way to abuse your body and kill yourself.  They are made for slow release in the digestive track, not one big hit.  And by using them properly and not abusing your meds, you can even enjoy a beer or two.

Have you tried hanging out with a different crowd?

Dena, I meant to reply to your post forever ago, but honestly, thanks for that. It's kinda what I needed to hear (read?) and I appreciate that.

Kim, I have tried new friend groups. That's helped me make as much progress as I have, stupidly enough, though, it's my reputation keeping me in old crowds. Now it seems like everyone wants pills from me.

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Have you tried saying to your old friends who only want you as a source of their pills: "Sorry, I lost my source.  When I find another, I will let you know."

And, strangely enough, you fail to find another source.

But you are in a deep hole, a hole that is killing you.  You need to crawl out of that hole long enough to see that there are other pleasures pout there, based on natural serotonin and dopamine.

And crawling out of that hole does not mean stopping for a hit once in a while from MJ.  You got to cold turkey.

Once you can lead a life other than the neighborhood drug/pill dealer, ou can start to move back into the real world that will being you even greater pleasure.  I certainly do not mean that in a moralistic or religious way, but our bodies have been developed over time to respond to the benefits of everyday life, and the natural pleasures that that brings.  Sex is one of those natural pleasures, viewed from either side of the gender line.  You may feel as if your enjoyment of those natural pleasures is enhanced by artificial chemical means, but even it it may seem that way now, it will not seem that way in the future -- if only because you would have OD by then.

You have slipped a long way down that slippery slope, and to crawl back without handgrips can be difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible.  I have friends who made it, and others who did not.  And let's not talk about me.

It can be surprising how rational and inspiring a mind can be uninfluenced by chemical substances.  You had it once, and perhaps intermixed the pain you were feeling for other reasons with the pain of clear thinking.  Clear and rational thinking is not always without pain, but it is a pain that you can conquer and not have to give in to.  Excuse me if I sound a bit like a European Masonic Lodge member (something I could never be in my current gender), but reason has always been the enemy of the dark side, which you know so well.

I could offer you trite condolences, and best wishes for the future, but for me, that would be a meaningless abdication of my feeling of responsibility for the welfare of all mankind.  You are both smart and clever, but weak at the same time.  Know that all to well.  If you are within geographic range of me, I will offer help in person; if not, let's try to see whast we can do via this medium.

Hey, sorry for my late reply. I keep finding myself procrastinating on checking this thread for some reason. I haven't tried that, no. I got a little too stuck on the extra income.
And I thank you for your words, for their honesty, because, luck and kindness aren't what I need right now. For how much my father's people boast about luck, we really don't have any.
I also thank you for your offer of support. I would doubt a proximity in the way of geographical location, as I live in a pretty out of the way town in Colorado. Kind of my problem, I think though. We're a boarding town. In Colorado. We have a lot of drug culture here, either you do hard drugs, you smoke pot, or you drink. Only really the tourists don't. But most of the tourists even come for the weed. I don't know, though. My phones textbox size makes me feel I'm rambling, and I'll hurry up and finish this reply

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