Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As some of you may know, my husband has just recently told me he's transgender.  We are talking about it and I'm in therapy (we are trying to find a therapist for him).  I still view my husband as a male, I haven't transitioned to seeing him as a female yet even though I know in my heart and head that's who he is.  I'm finding that I don't want to be as intimate with him anymore.  I don't mind him rubbing my back or kissing my cheek or a quick little kiss on the lips but anything more than that just feels weird to me.  We haven't been deeply intimate in months so I'm wondering, is there something wrong with me?  I love my husband with all my heart and I want to stay in the relationship and work through this together.  I want to help him become who he's meant to be.  I just want the intimacy back in our relationship.  Is this normal?  Will our intimacy return to normal once we've transitioned?  I'm so confused.  I don't want to lose this relationship.  I want it to grow and flourish.  Someone please help me.

I haven't been in that position from ether side, but I would say it's normal. You are making major changes in the way you relate and the changes take time. Therapy will help but it may take a few weeks for it to soak in. Give it time and do what you are comfortable and I think the rest will come in time.

never been married myself. Its totally understandable . working it out with a therapist will help

Hi - no, there is nothing wrong with you. Your reaction is completely understandable. Transition is long and complicated process often with many unexpected bumps in the road - but the fact that you love her and want to see the relationship work is a fantastic starting point. It is extremely difficult for people to see others as their identified gender if they are still presenting as dressing as the other gender. I expect that as she feels more comfortable about exploring her feminine self and allowing her true self to emerge - through hormones and/or appearance (clothes, etc) - you may be able to more easily identify with her as she is. It's great that you're seeing a counsellor, just keep the dialogue open in all directions and with time it will hopefully work out. :)

My wife is in the same boat as you. Even before I dropped the T-Bomb on her a few years back one of the things I did to help manage my gender dysphoria was cross-dressing. The need to was about once a month. For days afterwards there was an aversion to any sort of intimacy because she always saw Joanne. Now that I'm sort of on the transitional path, on HRT, have a B cup I hear in addition to the original "I did not marry a woman"; "I can't think of you as my husband anymore with those bumps on your chest".

On the plus side there is "Perhaps if you wore a tee-shirt...."  ;)

20 plus years married..  I hear "I didn't marry a woman" too:(  I know she loves me like you do your spouse..  Intamacy is gone though for the last year once is started dressing full time..  She thought it was a phase until I got to this point.. 

You can't change your heart though..  Loving your spouse and "loving your spouse" are 2 different things.  Just like gender and sexual preferences..  Mentally, she will be your best friend on a deep level if you let her..  But unless you can ever see her as a female sex partner, that part may be gone:(  If you force it, you will regret it, and may resent her! 

These are my opinions,  but you are so close to these answers, I think you just wanted validation?   My wife and I are still married,  we sleep together, but sexually it's gone unless she accepts me as a female.  It's not a punishment,  but more of an agreement..  We've looked beyond and if she chooses to start dating and re marry..  She knows it goes both ways, but I have no interest in searching for anyone new..  She was my high school sweetheart, I joined the military after school and she joined me for the ride..  I have no interest in leaving her..  I do have odd (but normal) desires since the transition, but my bonding desire is stronger than sexual desires..   

One thing you can try, Google oxyticin..  there are sprays you can talk to you councilor about..  It will increase your bonding desires..  This may make things work, but only if your still willing...  I'm actually trying to get pellet implants to help other pain issues, but pair bonding is a good side effect..

I think I did tmi, but I hope that gives you ideas of other arrangements in the same situation.. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

I'll add a little TMI on top of Cynobyte's insightful post.

My wife and I have been together for well over 30 years. It took her almost 15 years to say Yes to marriage . (She's is a former radicalized Hippy-Chick). One of her Pre-Conditions was essentially the open-relationship option, which in turn had ground rules attached. Not totally unexpected since earlier on I was not the only one in her life.

One of the many totally open and honest talks we've had these past few years involves exercising that option. On top of her previously mentioned one liners is "I love sex with men", "I cannot imagine having sex with you wearing a strap-on" and "Rubber doesn't do it for me". She see's, no totally believes, I will be the first one to exercise the option. Given how prescient she often is and how some of my dreams at night run she may not be far off the mark.

Thank you all for your kinds words and advice.  My partner and I are working through it day by day.  I do believe that at some point I will be able to be fully intimate with them again.  This is all still so new to me and to them and they haven't started the transition process yet so things are odd right now.  Thank you all again.

Hi,

You sound like my wife did at the beginning and for the next couple of years.  Except she wasn't as accepting.

It takes time for both of you.  It takes effort.  However,  it can work.

Hugs

Jen

Hey SimplyMe I am kind of in the same boat, just recently my SO came fully out to me and I am finding the intimate stuff pretty hard to get my head around. I really can't offer much advice as I am just trying to work through it all each day, by the sounds of it you are too! For example I never though the smell of woman's perfume would be such a trigger/turn off to me... I am ashamed to say that about the only thing I can handle right now are painted toe nails!! I guess in a perfect world we would be able to process everything at the same speed as our partners.. but we are all individuals.. something we know more about than most!!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, I guess that while we are supporting our SOs to transition into their real selfs, we are also going through some pretty big transitions!!

xx

 Hi,

I should say that at around two years, she settled down and became accepting then supporting.  The physical part took about another four months.  All aspects of our relationship are stronger and we are closer than ever.  We learned to communicate and give and accept and to be ourselves and to love even deeper.

Hugs

Jen

Simplyme,
  I was married for 18 years and had to divorce my wife.  From my marriage I have three wonderful children.  I'm now in a new relationship of 4 years with a wonderful woman.  The new woman in my life is my best friend and lover.  Shes the most wonderful person I've ever met.   With this being said.  I've wanted to be a girl since I was five years old.  I'm attracted to women and I want to be one.  My problem is, I'm a big massive man.  I'll bet your husband falls into this category.  You have a person that loves you and wants to be with you!  The person that loves you has been suffering as a woman trapped in a mans body.  Still, this person loves you!  The soul of your spouse is the same, the same entity still loves you!  They are the same person.  Throw away all the lessons learned and all the thoughts of society.  I'll bet if you stick around you'll not only have the best friend of your life, but you'll have the most attentive lover you could ever have.  :)  good luck!