Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I had a plan. The plan involved saving up money and I somehow managed to do so.

I thought of moving away from where I live and travelling to a place where no one knows me (I've already chosen a place). I know it's kinda dumb, but I don't want to come out to my parents or anyone close to me now. I want them to remember the boy that was me. He is a different who lived a different life. I am not him anymore, I am Marcella and I want to start fresh.

Is it dumb? Am I too hopeful?

I know that it isn't unheard of for some trans to just disappear forever.  To just walk away from family and friends.  This is dumb and selfish and hurtful IMHO.  First to not let your family know what ever happened to you is cruel.  Second if you are ashamed in your current city you will be ashamed in your new city.

Don't just trade one closet for another.  Give the people who love you a chance to love you.

That is my advice. 

Then I was too hopeful and too dumb to dream such a thing. My closet is locked from the outside...

If you have the idea there must be something to it.

It could be a good idea to start anew... with new facets of you...

you could do this in a way nobody gets hurt... saying you want some time apart...
transition in a few weeks... and show yourself over skype...

if others have a feeling you are happy everything should be ok...

not burning bridges that way, so you could go back if you want to...

You could always move away and stay in touch via e-mail or letters.  Just be careful of social media and pictures obviously.  Like, if you moved to Ireland or something, not like they'd be able to come and visit, but plane tickets across the country for holidays aren't terrible, and if you only move an hour away, you could see them every weekend if you or they wanted.  So you have to pick the right place.

But yeah, I wouldn't recommend cutting people entirely out of your life unless they turn out to be toxic.

I too thought about cutting all ties with my family if/when I ever transition.  I have other reasons for not telling them, they pretty much made me feel like the black sheep of the family and they no nothing about this.

I would draft a letter and explain things and say if you can refer to me as my knew name and use the correct female pronouns, I am happy to talk with you.  If not, then I wish you happiness in your lives.  And that would be the end for me.  The ball is then in their court.

The funny thing is, all the friends I have, I met online.  The all know how I feel and totally get it.  My best friend of 16 years said nothing will ever change with us, come what may.  You might be surprised if you can find a way to let them know.

The problem you all face is that to do this you would have to move not once but twice - because when you first transition believe me you are likely to be damn obvious and people WILL know... then at some point between one and three years later 99% of transitioners will have reached the point where some degree of anonymity about the past is feasible.

So in order to effect your dream you would have to move somewhere to transition - and then somewhere else once postop...

The problem doesnt stop there though, as many have found to their cost, because in this modern age its pretty easy to trace people, and indeed the world is a much smaller place than you think. So just one random leak or chance encounter can bring whole edifice down - plus of course the one person you cant run away from is YOU!

Most of the people I have known who were "deep stealth" became, for want of a better phrase, "bat->-bleeped-<- crazy paranoid" and frankly they are amongst the unhappiest people I know! I cannot in all good conscience reccomend it because in my 31 years postop all the people I've seen who gone down that road have had problems either mental, physical, or social, whereas almost all those of us who have adopted a more middle of the road approach have ended up well integrated, respected and liked.

So my advice is think again - I understand the siren appeal - but it is a siren call towards rocks you cannot yet even see.

Quote from: Rejennyrated on October 15, 2015, 02:13:56 PM
The problem you all face is that to do this you would have to move not once but twice - because when you first transition believe me you are likely to be damn obvious and people WILL know... then at some point between one and three years later 99% of transitioners will have reached the point where some degree of anonymity about the past is feasible.

So in order to effect your dream you would have to move somewhere to transition - and then somewhere else once postop...

The problem doesnt stop there though, as many have found to their cost, because in this modern age its pretty easy to trace people, and indeed the world is a much smaller place than you think. So just one random leak or chance encounter can bring whole edifice down - plus of course the one person you cant run away from is YOU!

Most of the people I have known who were "deep stealth" became, for want of a better phrase, "bat->-bleeped-<- crazy paranoid" and frankly they are amongst the unhappiest people I know! I cannot in all good conscience reccomend it because in my 31 years postop all the people I've seen who gone down that road have had problems either mental, physical, or social, whereas almost all those of us who have adopted a more middle of the road approach have ended up well integrated, respected and liked.

So my advice is think again - I understand the siren appeal - but it is a siren call towards rocks you cannot yet even see.

I think there are two aspects to it.
One is the possibility to explore and start anew, without people keeping one in old patterns.

The other is the stealth aspect.
Well an attitude of not hiding it but not flaunting it neither might help.

The idea to start anew without old things holding back, and having space to explore sounds good.
Concerning passing people are different. Maybe she has already worked on her voice, and has feminine features.
It might take some time, but having a private space where things could be tried out could be of advantage.

I have a friend who after her GRS moved from the east to west cost USA and as far as I know aside from her immediate family and me, has cut contact with most everyone she knew before hand. Then again she transisioned right out of highschool, got started her senior year and went full time just after graduation, had GRS like 2 years later of I remember correctly so she did not have a lot of life to leave behind.

I on the other hand am 34 and just starting, on some levels I want to cut my contact and start over, but thats only a part of me, the other part realizes that I like my friends and most parts of my life right now, sure some parts are awful and its very hard being myself whail always falling back into the old patters from before, hell i have trouble keeping my voice even the less awful level that I put it in when I am talking to strangers when talking to friends but I am trying hard to make this work. I never expect to be fully stealth I don't plan on bringing up my transgender status if someone dose not know about it but I wont be trying to hide or deny things.

is there a better method...perhaps but I think thats individualzed not something thats right for everyone, then again i think that about just about everything so.....ya.

Serena

Quote from: Rejennyrated on October 15, 2015, 02:13:56 PM
The problem you all face is that to do this you would have to move not once but twice - because when you first transition believe me you are likely to be damn obvious and people WILL know... then at some point between one and three years later 99% of transitioners will have reached the point where some degree of anonymity about the past is feasible.

So in order to effect your dream you would have to move somewhere to transition - and then somewhere else once postop...

The problem doesnt stop there though, as many have found to their cost, because in this modern age its pretty easy to trace people, and indeed the world is a much smaller place than you think. So just one random leak or chance encounter can bring whole edifice down - plus of course the one person you cant run away from is YOU!

Most of the people I have known who were "deep stealth" became, for want of a better phrase, "bat->-bleeped-<- crazy paranoid" and frankly they are amongst the unhappiest people I know! I cannot in all good conscience reccomend it because in my 31 years postop all the people I've seen who gone down that road have had problems either mental, physical, or social, whereas almost all those of us who have adopted a more middle of the road approach have ended up well integrated, respected and liked.

So my advice is think again - I understand the siren appeal - but it is a siren call towards rocks you cannot yet even see.

This plus a million.  I feel sorry for girls trapped in stealth.  It is destructive.  No matter how perfect you are you can be outed and have your life destroyed.  I live down the street from Nikki Loyd.  When her husband died the state of TX outed her and attempted to destroy her.  She now lives totally out.  I love her.  There is no shame in being trans.  It is who we are. 

On another site I know this one woman who claims to live stealth, but she seems so unhappy and mentally disturbed.  Gong to trans sites under a secret identity.  It is sad.  Not informing partners you are trans is dangerous.  It will get you murdered. 

Like it or not we all have a responsibility to each other.  To a larger struggle for equality and dignity.  If you portray an image of trans people as deceivers and mental cases it hurts us all.

Harvey Milk was always right.  Be out and be proud.  There is no other option.

The fight for trans equality is now.  As the famous Pink once said.  Don't trade a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage.

I guess that's what I really want. To explore, to discover that aspect of me that I suppressed. My plan was to meet a whole new set of people who will know me as myself. The aspect of starting fresh excites me because that's the one thing I want. I want to reset my life, I want to start again as me. However, it is true that it's not right to cut people of. I just can't help but dream of living somewhere new, somewhere I could be me (pre-transition to post transition).

It's just a dream, but it tempting to see what it would be like.

I think there can be a happy medium between "paranoid deep stealth" and "flag waving out."

For me I am not really stealth but I don't go around flag waving trans pride all over the place. I'm mid 30s, married (for now) with kids. In daily casual interaction I don't mention trans status. At work everyone respects my identity. However, there are slips now and again and I often wonder how people see me. For example one of my colleagues casually called me "he" a few times and she was red faced when she realized what she did and apologized profusely. But honestly the damage was already done and although I told her I forgave her, I have to wonder who takes me seriously.

So I want to find another job sometime in the near future. Probably post op though, but I think I want to line up my SRS sooner rather than later. People may know I'm trans in a new job but the first impression they get of me is female so it's more automatic for them to refer to me as female rather than male. This would help with my comfort level immensely.

At the same time I'm not cutting ties with anyone. My mom especially has been there for me throughout. I have already booted the haters from my life, so that's taken care of.

I think I'm starting to see what you mean. For over 15 years I wanted to move somewhere else, do something else, and be someone else. I didn't know where, what, or who, but I wanted to try. It was the only recurring feeling I've had all these years. I just had to get away from the life I was living because it felt so wrong.

However, after coming to terms with being trans and starting on hormones, those feelings have essentially vanished. I've finally figured out the life I should've been living all these years, and now I'm doing it. I no longer feel like I have to escape and start over somewhere new!

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk

Marcella, I personally think that if you want to move somewhere and leave your old life behind.  You should go for it if that is what you really want to do.  Sometimes, we live for other people but not ourselves and end up miserable.  If you really want to leave and start a new life, why not.  I would just add that maybe you tell family and friends that you are going to take a sabbatical and want to move somewhere for few years or something.  I think that would give you time to contemplate things and maybe contact your family again. 

I just think you deserve to be happy. 

Quote from: iMarcella on October 15, 2015, 10:23:02 AM
So I had a plan. The plan involved saving up money and I somehow managed to do so.

I thought of moving away from where I live and travelling to a place where no one knows me (I've already chosen a place). I know it's kinda dumb, but I don't want to come out to my parents or anyone close to me now. I want them to remember the boy that was me. He is a different who lived a different life. I am not him anymore, I am Marcella and I want to start fresh.

Is it dumb? Am I too hopeful?

Totally relate to this. I did not come out 100% yet for the same reason. I currently live in a suburb. all my relatives live in the same neighbourhood within walking distance.
Fortunately my wife is European and we are planning about moving there next year and starting fresh away from everyone. I am SO EXITED I can't wait.


Do it. You will feel truly free.