Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Way back in the beginning of this year, I came out to my parents as transgender. At the time, they seemed like they were making an effort to understand it. But since then, they've just been getting more and more antagonistic.

It started with the name. I told them what I wanted my female name to be. At first, they seemed fine - if a bit miffed that at that time I wanted to use a different last name as well. But since they've found out that other people call me by my female name, they get angry every time it comes up. I try to tell them that it's not personal, and that if I am going to be a woman I am going to need a name to match. I also tell them that even though "Dakota" is unisex, I can't feel good to myself about using it because every time someone says it now I just think of 50 Shades of Grey. But even so, they keep on at me about it like it's a personal insult, and go on and on about how "Nicole isn't your name".

It's also got worse in other areas. At first, my mom actually offered to buy me girls' clothes and call me by my female name. I turned it down out of shock that things were going that smoothly. Also I wasn't quite ready yet. Since then, when I bought my own clothes and wore them to school, my parents are acting absolutely furious. Like it's something bad.

Another thing that I've noticed is how, at first, my mom just cautioned me to be careful about who I told. Now, she flat-out yells at me if I tell anyone. If I even act like a girl. And at this point, it's barely tolerable being Dakota instead of Nicole, because my dysphoria is getting worse by the minute.

The final thing was a confrontation with my dad. We were having an argument about my name, then he started spouting off all that stuff about how "you'll always be a boy, and nothing will change that", and how "my name will never be Nicole because that's not what I was named" and so on. That was like a slap in the face - I absolutely did NOT see that coming in any way.

So my question is, How do I deal with all this? They're cracking down harder every day, meanwhile the dysphoria is getting worse. Is there any way to get them to accept me for who I am? And is there any hope of being able to express myself as such before I move out? I just don't even know what to do anymore.

You are limited in what you can do but you need to see if your parents will allow you to start therapy. If therapy isn't possible your school may be able to provide some form of help. I don't know if your parents were humoring you when you told them or if they had a change of heart but if you want to understand you will have to have a discussion with them and avoid the argument. Ask questions and listen to their response while containing your emotions. You may have them come here in the SO section where we can help explain what is going on. Good luck as this isn't going to be easy.

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You're doing really well so far, but please be careful.  The last thing you want to do is make enemies of your parents while you're still dependant on them.   Like Dena said, if you can try to help them understand and keep them as allies, it will work out better for you.

It may go slower than you want, because psychologically they are likely to experience grief over the loss of a son when you transition (even though, to you, you're still here).   Going slow and making little compromises will help them, a lot.

Asking them to help you see a doctor might be another way to approach it.  In your mind this is exactly what you know you are and want, and you feel it.  But to your parents, they might still see you as too young and inexperienced to make such a permanent, life-altering decision.  If a professional gave you the transsexual diagnosis (which is required for surgery and sometimes HRT anyway), they would have to face that fact.

It's an adjustment for them. I don't know if it would help, but you might try making sure they know a few basic facts:
* You didn't choose to be trans.
* It isn't going to go away and there's no way to "cure" it.
* It is serious. Severe depression, anxiety and even suicide are common among trans people who don't transition.
* Transition is effective. It is the only way anyone has ever found to relieve gender dysphoria.

Here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

You might say at home you want counseling, for emotional purposes, and pick someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list.

You might look for someone to support you...
asking a couselor at school...
or at a PFLAG chapter... its parents of LGBT people...


*hugs*

Here's the thing - my parents are waay in denial about it. When we moved to Colorado, they told me that we left everything in South Carolina behind us. Now that we are in Colorado, they won't acknowledge my depression (even though I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and went to a therapist for that and being suicidal in addition), they act as scathing as possible whenever my gender identity comes up, and they respond to the fact that computers are my passion be keeping me as far away from them as possible (even though they know perfectly well I want to go to college for that).

After we moved here, I decided that since they didn't want me to tell anyone about my gender identity (on the grounds that I was only here until college, and they wanted to stay here and not feel like they were being run out of town), I would go by a shortened version of my female name: Nick. At conferences, my parents found out. My mom told me right there that "if I wanted to do this again, I could get out". (She's talked a lot before about throwing me out.)

As for getting a diagnosis to get my parents to face it, first off in not sure that would work (seeing as how they just ignore my depression diagnosis and actually said " we left that behind in South Carolina "). Second, I don't know how to get one. Maybe if I can get one at a regular doctor, it would work, but I'd I have to go to a therapist it won't happen. My parents won't take me back to a therapist because they said that it was too expensive and it didn't work (because I still didn't listen to them).

They've also told me that they won't pay for surgery.

It doesn't help that in South Carolina, they completely ruined my respect for them by not allowing me to do things that were in my best interests (ie, keeping me away from even taking computer CLASS when they know that's what I want to do in college), threatening to throw me out, literally laughing when I told them I was feeling depressed and then launching into a " what right do you have " speech, and finally getting angry with me for seeking help for being suicidal. On the flip side, they don't trust me at all because I really don't obey them much anymore unless I agree with it, and I've given up on telling them the truth in favor of what they want to hear (to avoid conflict). We are as dysfunctional as possible without getting violent or hating each other outright, but they put it all on me to fix it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't know how to talk to them anymore, and particularly about something like this (which makes them mad at mere mention). I'm in a deep hole, and I don't know how to get out.

On a side note: when I talk to my parents, I can be really clumsy with words. It doesn't work well.

Thanks for the support, all.

QuoteWe are as dysfunctional as possible without getting violent or hating each other outright

This sounds to me like an intermediary could help, a third person, if possible educated in mediating.
You might talk to a school counselor, asking for help.
And there might be social workers who might talk to parents.


*hugs*

I would try talking to someone at school, maybe mention your MDD diagnosis too so that it's clear that it's not just regular parent drama

Sometimes parents are just... jerks. Your parents do sound a little worse than mine, but the way my parents treated me when I came out as trans was total and complete indifference, and I ended up getting so depressed for a while that I was borderline suicidal. It never ceases to amaze me how some people can show such a complete lack of empathy about being trans. Not just that they don't understand how bad it feels, but that they don't want to understand. That they'd rather write you off as insane or delusional than admit what you are going through is in any way real. My parents have gotten better about it recently, but it was only after two years of fighting with them the they finally realized that this was not going to go away, and that leaving me to face the consequences of 10 years of isolation on my own was probably not going to have a positive results.

Don't expect your parents to change. They might, but the sad truth is they usually don't. What they are doing to you must make sense in their minds, or else they wouldn't be doing it. You can keep trying as long as you can stand it, but you should also be thinking of a plan B that will allow you to survive if you need to cut them out of your life.

By the way, why is it they don't want you to be around computers at all? I know a lot of parents try to restrict their children's technology access if they feel like it's becoming unhealthy, but even keeping you from taking classes? It seems strange they would go so far...

ell, the problem with talking to someone at school is, first off I am actually forbidden to talk to anyone; and second, I don't really know anyone here.
I'm still in contact with my last school social worker, though.

Basically, I think they will only do something about it if forced. The problem is, how to do it without my parents trying to get me evicted. (At least I know that much - they can't throw me out without an eviction notice.)

Really I just am not sure how to make them listen. They're of the "I am the parent and you are the child, therefore you have to do what we say without question" mindset.

Plan B is a little hard. I have no connections here. Plus it makes it worse that my mom won't let me get a job. I'm not really sure what I can do in terms of leaving their place.

Miyuki, you asked about the.computer stuff. My parents got mad because Im a power user, and I like to change everything about my computer to get the most out of it. This irritates them because "I don't need to change everything", " I don't need to do everything different from everybody else ", and " I'm acting like a know-it-all". Also, I've got in trouble with my school's tech department before we moved, in both instances for "hacking". Ie, playing Minecraft and having a trainload of programs, movies and music on my flash drive. (Other staff members sympathized with me. In their words, the guy who busted me was " a computer Nazi ".)

The first time I was " hacking " (Minecraft), when my mom got the call, she called the cops on me. Ever after, she always ranted on at me about how she had to watch me. She also hates how I call myself a hacker, even though I repeatedly explained it as below:

"Hacking isn't bad. Originally, it was just finding a new use for a system, now it's just changing one or finding loopholes.
"It's also an actual job. Companies will hire people to hack their systems and report to them the weaknesses.
"All the cyberattacks on the news are something different called cracking. Basically, hacking is good, cracking is bad."

She responds by dismissing what I said. "It's sick how you call yourself a hacker." Never mind that it's a compliment in programmer's circles. Because now I'm being a know it all, which is why I also am not allowed to offer to help anybody with technology problems.

Wel imol its an attitude of you against them... and they feel threatened.

You might simply say you want to do things in a responsible way.
And keeping a bit to the rules. Like not using computers for games if its not really allowed.

Well instead of the attitude of trying it to the max you might reassure them you know what you do with computers, and be reasonably careful.

Its like you don't respect them and they feel threatened and thus overreact.

Not justifying it just telling...

You might tell them you really want to act responsible yet need a few things in return to be able to eveolve like others can.


A mediator or social worker might help.

And you could talk to a counselor at school, there is supposed to be a school counselor.

It sounds like your parents have a lot of stress themselves.
Maybe they could profit from some kind of counseling themselves.

How can they stop you talking to someone at school? I don't know how your school system works but when i was at school in the UK we had guidance teachers that we could talk to during school hours and afaik they didn't have to inform parents in advance of meetings? obvs i realise American schools are different

Technically, we are entitled to complete privacy. But, they are required to tell if someone mentions being suicidal, hurting or abusing other people (both of those last two pretty reasonably), but also if they feel your parents should know. And if for some reason it got out that I talked to a counselor or in face anybody, I'd get in trouble with my parents.

Quote from: HackerAshley on October 21, 2015, 03:00:27 PM
Miyuki, you asked about the.computer stuff. My parents got mad because Im a power user, and I like to change everything about my computer to get the most out of it. This irritates them because "I don't need to change everything", " I don't need to do everything different from everybody else ", and " I'm acting like a know-it-all". Also, I've got in trouble with my school's tech department before we moved, in both instances for "hacking". Ie, playing Minecraft and having a trainload of programs, movies and music on my flash drive. (Other staff members sympathized with me. In their words, the guy who busted me was " a computer Nazi ".)

I know the type... The kind of people who think of computers as magic boxes for browsing the web and writing e-mail, and who feel threatened by anyone who knows more about computers than they do, because those kinds of people are the reasons they get viruses all the time that make their magic boxes stop working.

Quote from: HackerAshley on October 21, 2015, 03:00:27 PMThe first time I was " hacking " (Minecraft), when my mom got the call, she called the cops on me. Ever after, she always ranted on at me about how she had to watch me. She also hates how I call myself a hacker, even though I repeatedly explained it as below:

"Hacking isn't bad. Originally, it was just finding a new use for a system, now it's just changing one or finding loopholes.
"It's also an actual job. Companies will hire people to hack their systems and report to them the weaknesses.
"All the cyberattacks on the news are something different called cracking. Basically, hacking is good, cracking is bad."

She responds by dismissing what I said. "It's sick how you call yourself a hacker." Never mind that it's a compliment in programmer's circles. Because now I'm being a know it all, which is why I also am not allowed to offer to help anybody with technology problems.

Wait, they called to police on you? For hacking Minecraft? I mean, I hope you weren't hacking to cheat in an online server or something, but that is completely ridiculous that they would call the police for something like that. I hope the police were  considerate enough to not take the call even remotely seriously. There is nothing wrong with having an interest in technology, and in fact, I think the world would be a better place if more people did. I have actually been working on something (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197927.0.html) on and off for a while that I hope will encourage more people to learn how to program. Given how much of our world revolves around computers, it's starting to become a serious problem that so many people know so little about them. I hope you don't let your parents discourage you, because technology is an great thing to focus your education on in general, and I've always heard computer programmer was a really common career for transgender people, so you would be in good company. ;) Just don't go trying to hack the Pentagon or the FBI, because that usually doesn't end well. ;)

Quote from: Miyuki on October 21, 2015, 07:51:38 PM
Wait, they called to police on you? For hacking Minecraft? I mean, I hope you weren't hacking to cheat in an online server or something, but that is completely ridiculous that they would call the police for something like that. I hope the police were  considerate enough to not take the call even remotely seriously.

I hope you don't let your parents discourage you, because technology is an great thing to focus your education on in general, and I've always heard computer programmer was a really common career for transgender people, so you would be in good company. ;) Just don't go trying to hack the Pentagon or the FBI, because that usually doesn't end well. ;)

Yep. Parents called the cops on me. For playing Minecraft. (I didn't actually hack it - their idea of hacking was having it (the minecraft jar file) on a school computer.) The terrible thing is, a cop actually did show up, and started yelling at me about how I'm basically my parent's property and he could bust me for "incorrigible child" if I so much as burped at the dinner table without saying "excuse me" if my parents told me to.
In the JROTC unit I was in at the time, we would have referred to that as "communism".

But here's the really stupid thing - when told my parents, "it's not like I'm going to hack the government," their response was, "How do we know that?". *super mega facepalm*

They acted sort of the same way when they found leggings and a cami in my drawer.

I'm trying not to let all this get to me, but sometimes I feel myself going a little crazy. Can't even mention my gender identity or use my female name, can't even wear girl's clothes under my regular clothes, and no computers either. That's basically everything I live for, pretty much (since I don't really have that many friends). Not to say I'm suicidal (I was, a few months ago, but I got past it - really miffed me though that my mom said "how dare you?" when I told her that's how I felt), but I'm feeling a bit loopy. Slightly unhinged. You know.

Basically, I'm trying to keep hold of a piece of hot metal. The longer I hold on, the worse it gets, and the harder I have to force myself to keep hold. That's sort of what repressing my gender identity is like.

It doesn't help that I'm doing it because "they don't want to feel run out of town".

*sigh* I don't even know what to say. I wish there were better options for transgender children that were being emotionally abused by their parents, but right now the issue just isn't being taking seriously. Maybe someday that will change, but all I can tell you for now is just to survive until your parents don't have control of your life anymore, and then you can live your life in whatever way makes you happy.

Child Protective Services?

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk

Does child protective services actually consider denying a child's gender identity or denying a child access to transgender medical services abuse or neglect? Because if not they should, but I don't think they do right now...

Quote from: HackerAshley on October 20, 2015, 09:52:24 AM
Here's the thing - my parents are waay in denial about it. When we moved to Colorado, they told me that we left everything in South Carolina behind us. Now that we are in Colorado, they won't acknowledge my depression (even though I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder...

Stop there.  That's an action item for Child Protective Services if I've ever heard one, and you won't have to talk a possibly-transphobic social worker into respecting your gender identity.  However... CPS can really really suck for children.  You might end up in foster care or an institution, and treated worse with regards to your gender.  Tread very carefully here... but you have a nuclear option.

Your diagnosis of denial is accurate.  One does not "move away from" mental health problems.  One does not "move away from" their gender identity.  Your parents need the therapy.  I'm tempted to call them idiots... but really, this is pretty vanilla denial.   Their image of reality is distorted and their brains are failing to accept the difference between reality as they perceive it and actual reality.  They're going to get more and more irrational as time goes on, until they confront their denial head-on.

Ok first of all: You are so corageous Nicole!! xx I still did not tell my parents out of fear of rejection (mind you I am 33, married, and I live about a mile away from their place) But I grew up in a very christian and conservative home to very loving but close minded parents so I don't know what's going to happen, yet.

But anyway, I was going to say: maybe they just need a little bit of time to process. But if your mum offers you to buy girlie clothes and accesories, perhaps you should accept her offer and have a girly day out at the shopping centre. Use those oportunities to your advantage to connect with her differently. You need to win her over.

Like I said, I don't live with mine anymore, but if I did, I guess I would bring informative material to educate them on transgender things. They need to see that we are born this way, it is not something that we can control.

Yeah, I'm trying to give my parents time, but it's difficult.  Particularly because today I got that crazy feeling back again. The one I had when I just completely lost it - like I'm slightly unhinged, plus I seem to be breathing faster than normal. You know, a milder version of how you feel when you're about to have a panic attack combined with an empty feeling. But if I told my parents they'd just yell at me, and if I tell anyone at school and they try to get my parents to get me help they'd try to throw me out.

I tried talking to my mom about it last night but she was more interested in how I've been ruining the carpet by rubbing my feet all over it, and how I never sit up straight.

It's really draining my motivation to do anything.

On a side note, I went down to the store during lunch today to buy some panties (seeing as that's really the only women's clothing I could get away with) - buuut they were like waay too big. That was a waste of five dollars. :\

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but I guess you just have to hold on til you're legally an adult :/ but that gives you time to plan i suppose, so you're not as reliant on your parents when you reach that point?

also more useless info: lots of online clothing shops have size guides so you can work out roughly what panty size to get ;) when i bought boxers the first time i assumed i'd be a small but i actually seem to have an average size butt. super disappointing

Wow, your parents sound like real pieces of, umm... work.   I had a friend in high school who had a similar situation.  He wasn't trans, but his dad that he lived with was an incredibly abusive psychopath.   His dad basically kept him under his thumb 24/7, took every cent that he had, sold his possessions for no reason and verbally abused him on a daily basis.  On my friend's 18th birthday he approached his father, wondering why his birthday was forgotten or ignored.  His father asked how old he was today, and was immediately thrown out on the street with nothing more than the clothes on his back.  Homeless, jobless, broke, no car, no license, six months from high school graduation and ill-prepared for life on his own.

Prepare for this possibility now.  You may want to look into emancipation here.

Hugs,
Jill

Lets not play out worst case scenarios.

Maybe it would be possible to talk about emotions.
Without making reproaches and getting personal, or repeating old patterns.
Like saying you feel... whatever...

well its like a case of not fulfilled expectations.
They might have other expectations of you.
But you are you, and it can be a stressless relationship nonetheless.
You might even say so, that you might not be what they expect but you are you and some support would help you getting the best of you out. And they would profit evenly by some shared joy.

You just might show adult behaviour.

It seems like a case where people grow up to be more adult than the parents.
Like not aggravating people...

if old triggers are avoided and people remain calm it has an influence on their surroundings...

Well, my parents may be difficult, and a lot of other things, but they aren't evil. Plus if they want me out, they know damn well they're going to have to give me an eviction notice from court or I'm not going anywhere.

Here's the problems with emancipation:
- I haven't met the requirements for living on my own long enough
- I don't really know many people here
- I only have four actual friends
- My mom won't let me get another job, even though I have a great record from my last one.
- I don't have my licence, only permit
- My parents will NOT support emancipation, so it will be next to impossible to get all the work done to do it legally

Another problem is, at this point I feel like it's complete overkill. Like wiring your home security system to a nuclear warhead. My parents and I will definitely be better off without living together, but they aren't physically abusing me or anything. (Although emotional abuse is up for grabs - but that would go both ways if there is any. I'm not exactly a model child.)
My main problems with my parents is that they are in denial about me being transgender and depressed, they keep me away from things that are my passions, and they spy on me on the internet. (Speaking of which I should probably try to change my username so it doesn't show up in a Google search, seeing as how they know I use this on a few sites like Minecraft. Is there a way to do it?)

My mom hasn't said anything about the subject of my gender identity since the week I came out to her. She asked me if she wanted her to call me by my female name and buy me women's clothes. I said no, partly out of shock that she was taking it so well, and partly because I wasn't quite ready to come out yet. I kind of regret that now. Since then, every time the subject comes up, she acts irritated, gripes at me about using Nicole because "that's not my name", and acts irritated. She gets really mad about the name.

My dad is worse. In the beginning, he tried to understand. This led to an extremely awkward conversation, in which he suggested I might be gay instead. (When I told him I wasn't gay, he said, "so you want to be a lesbian?" He sounded absolutely scandalized.) Later on, he avoided the subject. He doesn't like the name issue and is as firm on it as my mom (except he hasn't threatened to throw me out over it). On the last conversation we had about it, he said that I was born a boy and will be a boy until I die, and that a transition wouldn't make me a woman, and in general that you can never change your gender or your name (unless you're in witness protection).

Another thing. My parents know EXACTLY how to push my buttons, and make me feel bad. (Not that I show it. Ever.) It's really hard for me to go against them when I'm talking to them. (Not so much when I just do things.) Couple that with my clumsiness in words, and I'm at a serious disadvantage during any conversation we have. Plus, I'm not really sure how to bring it up since they're showing such negative reactions. Even worse, every time I try to act mature about it my parents read it as insulting. Usually they will misinterpret at least half of what I say. I'm not sure if it's me or them, but my school social worker said that the coming out letter I wrote that they said was hateful seemed just fine to her (if a bit confused).

I'm still feeling a little unhinged, but not as bad as yesterday. So maybe it's not as bad as I thought...

Quote(Speaking of which I should probably try to change my username so it doesn't show up in a Google search, seeing as how they know I use this on a few sites like Minecraft. Is there a way to do it?)

There is a function
Report to moderator 

You might use it and ask for the username to be changed to your desired name.

Well here are a few resources that might be shown:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

There is a resource from the british NHS there, for example.

A lot of what your parents think might be old restraints from the media etc, which is changing now.

There were a lot of scientific facts much more widespread the last years.

You need to walk the extra mile hun. Be a super nice child and in exchange get them to support you in your decision. They will be more understanding if you are super nice to them than if you are hostile. big hugs x

Clara

Hey Nicole,

You're trying, you want to keep the high ground, and you recognize some failures in your past.  That makes you a good person, in my book.  Your parents are terrorizing you in several ways, and you're weathering it.  You could use a hand, but it sounds like you've got the ear of a social worker, which can be invaluable.

I'm really bad with verbal communication, too.  I say a tenth of what I'd say if I had the time to think, I transpose words, I get meanings of things flipped... it's awful.  So, when stuff is really important, I write it down.  I edit it, rewrite it, and repeat until it says what I want to say.  This might not work for you, but it works for me when I need it.

Wow, i've read all of this and i can't believe that your own parents could be like this to you in this day and age, it's incredible, And you have my sympathy. The whole reason i am doing transition so late is because of my parents attitude when i was younger but that was in the 70's and 80's. I wish you good luck in whatever you do and we are all here to help.
Sophie