Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Where do I go?

It started when I was very young, maybe 5 or 6  I would beg my older sisters to play dress up and dress me in dresses. They told I was a very pretty little boy and could easily pass for a girl. That is my first memory of something that was different. Something that now makes perfect sense but then was... then it was just weird.  Weird and normal all at the same time because it's all I knew.

I was very shy and I hated having my picture taken, still do. Now it's because I hate my masculine features, then because I was so shy. I cried a lot too. Way more than normal. I think back now and realize why. It makes me cry.

Memories have faded but around 11 or 12 I started shaving the body hair that had started growing. Things did not seem right until everything was smooth down there. I started tucking things away around then, I didn't know why, I just did it. It seemed normal.

I also enjoyed using female mannerisms. I'd swing my hips.  I'd avert my eyes. I'd twirl my hair. It was long then. No more.

I enjoyed wearing my sister's underwear and bras on occasion but it was not a drive and it was never sexual. I so wanted to be a girl. I remember lying awake at nights thinking about it and then daydreaming during school. I look at old pictures of myself and see a beautiful girl wearing boy's clothes with a boy's haircut.

I managed to keep my thoughts and shaving a secret for the most part till high school. I think my sister knew but never said anything until much later. High school and the rush of Testosterone came along around 15 or so. Testostorone and high school changed everything and I stopped shaving my body hair. The boys in the locker room just would not have understood if I displayed myself naked without any body hair. Naked in the locker room... that's a whole other set of mental trauma.

I think the testosterone allowed me to play the part of the boy, dating girls and doing all the things that boys do at that age. I was reckless and even picked dangerous sports but all non-contact during my late teen years. I was never once in a fight, it was not me.

The whole time I felt girly inside, that's the best way to explain it. Even though sports and weight lifting had transformed my slender feminine body into a mass of muscle. I was extremely competitive and very successful in athletics. I started the 9th grade at 5-10 110lbs and by the 12th grade was only 130lbs but was the strongest person in my class. Ripped and fit I was all male.

But one of my memories from that last year of high school was sitting in the weight room, alone, all alone, so utterly alone, with my legs crossed like a girl, a tear running down my cheek, flexing my bicep, wondering what I had done to myself.

I have many memories of wearing very short shorts. A lot of guys would also go shirtless. I liked the attention from the girls but I was never comfortable without a shirt on even though I had by all accounts an impressive body. In addition to feeling naked, my nipples are very large for a genetic male.

Outwardly I think I acted in a masculine way during these years. Inside, I felt my girlish strut, my hip wiggle. The way I touched my hair. The way I smiled. I saw a beautiful girl in my minds eye.

Fast forward a few years, I dated and then married my soul mate. I married the girl I wanted to be and the girl I wanted to sleep with, the girl I wanted to be best friends with. I had hit the jackpot. She had a body to die for and a girly girl personality that would not quit. It was my life's achievement and I was on top of the world. I did not know it at the time but she became the most amazing mother too.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. But things were too perfect to change. Any thoughts I had about sharing my feelings were pushed down. Way down. I tried wearing some of her things and makeup after we were married. I felt like I was cheating on her. So I pushed it further down.

My life with my soul mate progressed. We would go to "chic-flicks" together. She would cry. I would reach over to comfort her, my hand on hers. Tears rolling down my cheeks, silently. She never knew.

We would fight. She would cry. I would clam up. The fight would be over and she would go to sleep. The emotion would burst out, the sound held in by a pillow. A release of all my female emotions I could not hold in. She thought I was the coldest person but I just could not tell her. Not then.

Only a couple of times during our marriage has she seen me have an emotional melt-down. A complete, all female, all out, crying emotional fit. One time soon after we were married. I could tell it scared her. I tried not to do it again.

My career was on a fast track in large part due to my competitive nature. Our life's rocked along for about ten years. Ups and downs like any marriage for a while then I grew more and more depressed. I did not know why. All thoughts from my younger years were re-pressed. Deep inside. My soul mate and my children came first.

I had to make a change. I left my safe, stable career in my early thirties to strike out on my own. I thought that is what I wanted, that that is what I was looking for. At first I was afraid, I hesitated. A wife, children, a huge mortgage. My amazing wife encouraged me. She said "It does not matter if we are poor, all that matters to me is that you're happy".

Twelve years now and multiple successful ventures later(software engineer) and I'm still looking. We have a good life. Not overtly rich but comfortable.  One adult child left at home and all of my children are some of my best and closet friends. I'm proud of what we have accomplished.

The feelings started again about a year ago. They must be deep seated. What do I want?

I weigh about 165 but I'd love to have my slender body back. I'd love to have my pre-pubescent face back. I'd love to have breasts. I'd love to wear sexy clothes. I'd love to be a total female.  I can't do this half way. If I start it's whole thing. It's the way I'm made. All or nothing.

And there is this most incredible women. A women that every one of you would be
so proud to call a friend. A women whose happiness means more to me than mine. The woman that has put me before herself so many times. Too many times. The woman I can barely stand to see hurt by others. She does not have a clue.

The women that loves me. I ask myself does she love me for who I am on the outside or who I am on the inside? I know the answer. I truly know the answer. She would be steadfast by my side as she has always been for nearly 20 years.

What about the kids and friends and people who know me?

So here I am confused. Afraid and alone. So utterly alone.

Am I what I think I am?

Inside I say yes.

Some of my traits say no.

Or am I still looking?

Or is this just a male mid-life crisis at 43?

I ask myself these things each night as the pillow forces my head down straining to keep the noise inside as I cry myself to sleep.

Where do I go from here?

maybe Amanda :(

Hello, Amanda,

IMHO it's not "maybe Amanda."  It *is* Amanda.  How can I say that and be so certain?  I just read my life in your words.

I knew that I wasn't truly a boy when I was five years old, and was positive that I should have been a girl when I turned 8.

Body shaving started at 12 and stopped only for high school PE class.  Sometimes I'd just be lazy and skip a shower because I wasn't ready to show-off my hairless me in the locker room.

Like you, I bought into the image that was projected on me.  Marriage, home, (no kids = divorce #1) cars, mortgages, career ladder jumping, everything almost exactly like you.

The true me remained inside of me, hidden under a false exterior, Canadian Club, Genesee beer, making rude noises with the other guys in my workgroup, listening to gutter-talk about how they viewed women, suppressing the urge to commit mayhem when I heard how they treated women in their lives.  My perception of how the world would view me kept me in my container through two more marriages.

When I turned 50 I knew that I had all of the fakery that I could handle and I decided to come out and start whatever I had to do to transition.  Keeping the true me inside was not the long-term solution so I talked with my psychiatrist (I had been in therapy for a long time) and she sent me to a specialist in gender identity disorder (GID).

I have not looked back since that day.

Nothing is ever as easy as it looks and transitioning is not easy but to me it is worth whatever it costs me.  I have lived my life for others for far too long and now it's time I lived for me.

I neither want to dissuade you nor do I want to give you only part of the picture, Amanda.  If you decide to follow your heart and, again IMHO, your soul, it will cause dislocations in your life.  Marriages, families, and friendships seldom survive transition intact.  The workplace can be like tip-toeing through the minefield, and socializing might get a bit uncomfy.

My only regret, and a weak one at that, is that I didn't do something sooner, but then, how did the medical community and everyone else treat transsexuals in, say, 1974?

Think things over and ponder and look within your heart until you feel sure enough to begin transition.  You already know it's not just external, it's mainly internal.  Whatever you do, **do not try to begin using hormones without a doctor's supervision as they can kill you.**  Changes to your body will be permanent.  The changes within me are profound, down to my very soul.  They are how I now see the world and deal with it.

Amanda, I have only one piece of advice:  Find who you really are then be the best her you can.

Wishing you well,

Wing Walker

no offence, but how can you live 45 years as a man, and then suddenly become a transexual? doesn't add up to me. I think you need to think alot harder about what path you need to take.

there is a currently unspoken problem within the male role in society, that it does not really allow men to express femininity without some kind of stigma attached to it. I suspect this is the problem you are having from what you have said, although only you really know.

its very easy to confuse a restricted male gender role with being a transexual. I suspect if you've managed to get to 45 and done nothing, its because you are not a transexual. We find it impossible to live in male roles, in any form. You have proved capable of doing that. Its a good thing, and i think you need to look at both sides of the coin. You have to explore every option of remaining male, and i don't think you've done that?

[removed quote about vibrator removed from post above]

this part really scares me.

i would suggest you get involved with the ->-bleeped-<- community and explore that side of being male before you do anything else. That way you will be able to seperate what is a sexual fantasy, and what is a gender identity.

Being 45 isn't a bar to transitioning. Lots of us transition late, having managed to suppress the feelings of being the other gender. I suppressed it quite successfully until I was 43. And from Amanda's story, this isn't coming out of the blue at age 45.

But I do agree that you should explore the feelings before doing anything precipitous, with a therapist trained in the area preferably.

Dennis

Amanda, it's not my place to tell you what i think you are. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU MUST DO , IS TO SEE A GENDER THERAPIST. After reading your post, i think you know in your heart what you must do to be happy and be you.

Thank you wing walker, it sounds like your situation was very much like mine, I guess I'm not alone. And I will ultimately follow my heart.

Furity: it has  only been about 23 years for me as a man and I think it was more to please others than myself? I really really think have been suppressing these feelings.  I don't understand why you would be scared by the vibrator talk???? Please tell me more??? I've never had any sexual desire from cross dressing... it just feels right. I also never really cross dressed after puberty. So I really don't think there is ANY TV in me. But please do tell me more and thanks for your comments. I am searching and every point of view helps!

Thanks Dennis and I do plan to see a therapist but I want to do a little more on my own.

And Diane, I do think I know, maybe not fully able or ready to admit that to myself and thats why I'm here. I feel a real
warmth and caring attitude here and could really use the input.

Thanks all for listening!!!

maybe Amanda

 Amanda! I know where you're comming from. I too have kept my true self suppressed for a long time,
Because of family, friends,the way I was raised and my desire to date women (that might not understand me). I am also in my late 40s.
Back in the 70s while growing up as a teen the resources weren't as available as they are now. Some of us knew that we were different but we just didn't know what it was. The way I was raised, crossing gender boundrys was sort of taboo.
Years ago I've tried the crossdressing ( in private though), It was satisfying but I felt like I needed more, crossdressing just wasn't enough. I didn't feel right with out the real look and parts to go with it. I've been on this rollercoaster for years, denying it and accepting it. It took all these years to finally accept it, because if I weren't transgendered these thoughts of being female wouldn't have kept comming back. They would have left me and let me go on with my
life.
So you see Amanda , many of us are or have been the same as you.
Where to go? You came here to Susans and that's a pretty good start. ;D


Oh! by the way Fruity, there are many reasons for people not giving in to their true self until later in life. Some people are in their 50s and 60s when they start. In many cases, certain situations just wouldn't allow them to transition. That doesn't mean that they became transexual at 50 or 60. It means that they could been dealing with it most of their lives but just couldn't do anything about it at the time. :-\

You raise a really really important point Karla.

I think the current 20 something's have it so much better than we did in the 80's when we were making decisions. There was not an Internet and the amount of information was very limited. I know this sounds like a cliche but had I had the resources that are available now things might have been so different.

Just knowing there are so many others with the same issues and problems... that's so amazing!

Anyone else think they might have dealt with things differently?

And yes I aggree... my thoughts of being female would have gone away also... I think my drive or maybe bravery is not
as strong as some of you. I really admire that you girls have been able to make that change.

QuoteOh! by the way Fruity, there are many reasons for people not giving in to their true self until later in life. Some people are in their 50s and 60s when they start. In many cases, certain situations just wouldn't allow them to transition. That doesn't mean that they became transexual at 50 or 60. It means that they could been dealing with it most of their lives but just couldn't do anything about it at the time.

unless you've been locked away in some dungeon somewhere in an iron mask or something, you can do something about it. If you didn't, its because you were choosing to do nothing. I don't think most of us ever felt like we had a choice to wait till we were middle aged. Its obviously not that important to you?

i dont know, i wish you luck, but i have my doubts about so called late transitioners.

QuoteFurity: it has  only been about 23 years for me as a man and I think it was more to please others than myself? I really really think have been suppressing these

amanda? how old are you 43 or 23?

pleasing others is very nice, and it shows your a caring person. Perhaps you have developed a sense of self-hatred because you care so much, and you feel you have been taken advantage of. You've perhaps got this mixed up somewhere and centred all your self hatred on being a male, and are desperately trying to escape that man?

thats why i say, you have to explore other aspects of being a man. Men aren't all caring, nice people. Some of them are total bastards. Maybe you should learn from them.

Quote from: Karla B on September 22, 2007, 04:43:05 PM
Back in the 70s while growing up as a teen the resources weren't as available as they are now. Some of us knew that we were different but we just didn't know what it was. The way I was raised, crossing gender boundrys was sort of taboo.

I'm not sure about things being taboo in the 1970's, but I do think the era in which we grew up as teenagers in the 1970's is different to todays era. Today we have the internet and more available contacts. On the other hand I didn't conform and was presenting myself as female from 13 years onwards. No one thought I was otherwise and you could actually push the bounderies far more back then as the fashion was very angrogenous. In the 70's I used to wear girls tops, jeans and shoes and had very long blonde hair which I could almost sit on.....I'd turn up to school like this.....I don't think it would be so easy today..

The late 1970's was the first time I learned about gender changes. We were actually taught about it in a biology lesson. I thought that's it but I was scared to talk to the biology teacher about my feelings. It wasn't until I was 24 that I actually went and told a doctor about how I felt and they made the diagnosis of gender dysphoria..

I still didn't know what to do about it or who to see and the contacts were hard to find. I tried contacting private consultants who seemed way to expensive.  I started stealing contraceptive pills in my mid 20's from girlfriends and not at any time did I feel male or want to be male. I was always in a panic about the timescale of things. It still took me up until the 1990's until I finally started to see someone. I thought it would be a case of 18 months for a transition and if I reached 40 it was too late...

Nothing went the way I wanted it to and I was put through the U.K NHS system which was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Months turned into years and I got to my 40th birthday and I still hadn't recieved any treatment. The clinic I was attending had no treatment program or timescale but I was running out of time..

Sometimes you can end up at 40 or over 40 and still not achieve your goals. I had my goal at 13 and couldn't believe how long it's taken. I can sympathise with fruity (Danielle) who cannot understand people starting out at 40 and having no prior experience of gender dysphoria or trying to get treatment before 40 and I can understand her analogy of that situation. A lot of people managed to supress their feelings for all those years (I don't know how they did it). I personally could never supress who I was and stayed true to myself from the start when I first turned 13...

Quote from: fruity on September 23, 2007, 04:10:06 AM

QuoteOh! by the way Fruity, there are many reasons for people not giving in to their true self until later in life. Some people are in their 50s and 60s when they start. In many cases, certain situations just wouldn't allow them to transition. That doesn't mean that they became transexual at 50 or 60. It means that they could been dealing with it most of their lives but just couldn't do anything about it at the time.

unless you've been locked away in some dungeon somewhere in an iron mask or something, you can do something about it. If you didn't, its because you were choosing to do nothing. I don't think most of us ever felt like we had a choice to wait till we were middle aged. Its obviously not that important to you?

i dont know, i wish you luck, but i have my doubts about so called late transitioners.

I am sorry fruity I have to disagree with you I am still fairly young 32 years old but I just started activly transitioning in the last two years and every day it is scary for me and I haven't even went full time yet. I cannot imagine what it would have been like 30 or 40 years ago to go through this as much hate and discrimation as there is now it would have been infinately worse then. if I had to face being TS in those times I don't know if I would have had the courage to continue living much less the courage to come out about anything. I think it is extremly rude to try to asses how important it is to someone else to transition we have no idea what others have been through or how they feel. life cannot be viewed through such a narrow scope as to think that everyone has had the same exact situation as ourselves. you are entitled to your own opinions but I am sure that some of the things that were said here were very hurtful to the people who had no choice but to wait as I am sure all the time some have had to wait seemed like several eternities for them and it was completely heartbreaking to have to pose as thier oppisite genders that entire time.

I had the operation in 1967 it was so new no one had even heard about it let alone wonder about it.  It would be harder today as everyone has heard about it now.  I  dont think you become transexual as an option,,,you either are or your not.  It is not an elective in my book.  I gave up all to become who I am, and would do it again in a heartbeat.  If surgury is for you than you go get it, if you feel its somthing you think you MIGHT want than dont have it as its not for  you.  It should be so clear in your mind that their is no other course for you to take, after all if you change your mind later,,it wont grow back (personally if mine grew back I would run for the meat cleaver)  That would be the stuff of nightmares.   If you are undecided than it its not for you, as ALL aspects of your life changes, not just your body.

Good Luck to you. I hope you find some solutions and peace, Amanda

well, Maybe Amanda, you don't sound all that sure about what you want.

the problem with going directly to a gender therapist is that you may get fast-tracked into transsexualism. which can be good or bad, depending on the person. if my therapist had tried to slow me down or dissuade me in any way, i would have just gotten a new therapist. i am stunned when i hear that some people have have been in therapy a year a more before getting their letters. but it's not one size fits all. some people actually do change their minds, and find that they are not trans or, as recently happened with __________, they decide that their families are more important.

i would suggest seeing a regular therapist first, because being trans will very likely put an awfully big strain on your relationship with your wife and your children. in regards to loved ones, you stand to lose a lot, and at the moment, you don't seem to realize just how much you could lose.

I can see both sides of the coin.....I understand Danielle's (fruity) point of view (especially when I visited gender clinics and the type of people who go to them)  and I also understand everyone else's point as well.....

Fruity, no offense, but as much as you state one of the problems with people is they impose these "doubts" on transsexuals quite a bit.  It comes off as extremely transphobic for people who know exactly what you are putting forth.  One comes to a decision to transition out of their own personal history, which is often quite long and quite confusing.  This has nothing to do with the restrictions of femininity in men.  Trust me, I was probably one of the most androgynous people on the planet, I still had to transition to female (at age 28 is when I started).  While I could not suppress things as well as some people, I was basically closeted since age 11, and I could go on about personal history of being extremely androgynous in dress and appearance between 13-22 (and between 22-27 well that is more complex, as I made incremental steps towards possibly transitioning only for circumstances to get in the way).  I did not find out about transition until I was 18, and honestly I did not find it in reach until this year, and it took quite literally 10 years of planning to even get to this point and honestly its only because I have the financial resources to transition.

What you are putting forth is ideas that have been used against transsexuals, from people that often do not have a clue of why this is so important, especially something that is put on transwomen. 

No offense Fruity, society was very different even ten years ago, nonetheless twenty.  The information was imperfect but society was much less friendly save for a few isolated places. Personal circumstances often get in the way.  I could go on and on and on.  But the very fact you put these ideas forth is kind of bothersome. 

By what definition is it exactly a late transitioning late?  Somebody over 25? 30? 40?

Fruity, I'm glad your life was all planned out and chiseled in stone for you. There are many and more than you think, that weren't and aren't that fortunate. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, being transexual was confusing, you didn't know where to go for help, most didn't even know what it was or that they were and you didn't even know other transexuals that you could get info. from.
It sure wasn't like today where you could get on a forum and communicate with other TSs and in just a matter of minutes or seconds. The experience from professionals(Docs & Therapists) just wasn't there like today and a few years ago. They're still learning today about this.


Berliegh, When I mentioned that crossing the gender boundries was taboo, I was speaking about living at home with mom and dad. Not speaking of the seventies in general. Yes,here in North America, back then people weren't as open minded, but they were beginning to be. That also depended on where you lived at the time.( large city) Even today In 2007, I live just outside of a fairly large city, the area is a rural area with a strong religous community as in most rural areas. When you listen to these peoples attitudes and their lectures about what's natural and what isn't , it absolutely boggles my mind that people, in 2007 , still think like that and here in Canada we consider ourselves to be more tolerant and open minded than our friends south of us. We even allowed Gay marriage, when down south they were trying to ban it.
So if you didn't want to be treated like the hunch back of Notre Dame ( you ever see that movie?) You fought your true self and learned to suppress it. The way they treated that poor fellow still happens today in many parts of north America.
Therefore I would have thought that another TS like Fruity would be more compassionate and understanding to others that might of had a harder time to deal with their true self than what she did, but I find in our little community that there are people that have almost the same attitudes as some of the people I mentioned above.

;)Gee, I can almost see a block being put on this thread.

Quote from: Karla B on September 24, 2007, 01:59:24 AM
Berliegh, When I mentioned that crossing the gender boundries was taboo, I was speaking about living at home with mom and dad. Not speaking of the seventies in general.

I was living with mum and dad and as it was the mid to late 70's, I was about 13 or 14 and too young to leave home. I had long hair right down my back and wore girls jeans and T shirts at home with mum and dad no problem..

Quote from: Karla B on September 24, 2007, 01:59:24 AM
Yes,here in North America, back then people weren't as open minded, but they were beginning to be. That also depended on where you lived at the time.( large city) Even today In 2007, I live just outside of a fairly large city, the area is a rural area with a strong religous community as in most rural areas. When you listen to these peoples attitudes and their lectures about what's natural and what isn't , it absolutely boggles my mind that people, in 2007 , still think like that and here in Canada we consider ourselves to be more tolerant and open minded than our friends south of us. We even allowed Gay marriage, when down south they were trying to ban it.
So if you didn't want to be treated like the hunch back of Notre Dame ( you ever see that movie?) You fought your true self and learned to suppress it. The way they treated that poor fellow still happens today in many parts of north America.
Therefore I would have thought that another TS like Fruity would be more compassionate and understanding to others that might of had a harder time to deal with their true self than what she did, but I find in our little community that there are people that have almost the same attitudes as some of the people I mentioned above.

;)Gee, I can almost see a block being put on this thread.

I think maybe people were supressed in America far more than they were in the U.K which is why they may sometimes ive in denial longer....the U.K is more liberal in that respect...

Yeah Berliegh, although European, My parents weren't as open as yours, I think you're a very lucky girl that they were so understanding. Anything that had to do with gender bending, You were considered to be Homosexual or out of your freaking Mind. they figured, you were born as a male and raised as one that's the way you should be. There are no alternatives.
It's true, that in europe many of the countrys are and were more libreal than us here, like the UK,Sweden,Denmark,Holland and Germany. I would consider Canada, the Europe of north america but we still have a ways to go yet. ;)

QuoteI had the operation in 1967 it was so new no one had even heard about it let alone wonder about it.

you have my complete respect lorelei, and you are complete proof that if you are truely transexual, you will find a way, not because you want to, but because you HAVE to

QuoteI  dont think you become transexual as an option,,,you either are or your not.  It is not an elective in my book.

exacto

QuoteIf surgury is for you than you go get it, if you feel its somthing you think you MIGHT want than dont have it as its not for  you.  It should be so clear in your mind that their is no other course for you to take, after all if you change your mind later,,it wont grow back (personally if mine grew back I would run for the meat cleaver)

spot on again.



Posted on: 24 September 2007, 18:17:11

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QuoteFruity, I'm glad your life was all planned out and chiseled in stone for you. There are many and more than you think, that weren't and aren't that fortunate.

you see i dont see it like that. i think older transitioners are the fortunate ones, they have obviously been able to live some kind of productive lives as men, and now they want to change over. Its a lifestyle choice.

I think some people like the idea of being transexual and live the lifestyle, but never suffer the reality. Its a bit like being heterosexual and saying your gay to get all the benefits and attention that come with it, but never have to be hurt, or feel rejection when things go wrong. They go to gender clinics, with their beard not even shaved properly let alone removed by laser, wear their wives clothes, and they dont even reallycare that people think they are men. It doesn't hurt them. They like the thrill, the lifestyle. They don't feel the rejection that i feel.

Maybe im wrong, but im just explaining what i feel about this.

my life isnt chiseled in stone karla, Im sure if you think a bit more, you will know that the life of a m2f could never be 'chiseled in stone'.

Friuty: I respect what you are saying and yes maybe it's not as important to me as it is too you or others. Maybe my degree of TS is not what yours and others is. I don't know what the answer is and that's why I here.  Please don't dismiss me just because my situation was not just like yours.

The 23 years I was talking about is my "adult" life where I took steps to live as a man. When I started to repress everything I thought inside and I did what society and family expected of me. I don't think I have any self hatred, I don't dislike myself, I just dislike my body, my masculine features. Always have. Is this TS? I don't know. Again, that's why I'm here.

Robin_p: thank you so much.

Ell: no I don't know what I want, where to go. But I do realize what this means to my family and relationships. But just as some of you were driven when you were young to this, that is where I'm at now. Will I go forward, right now I just don't know but I want to learn more about the feelings I have always had.

Berliegh: is it possible that you do not see the older TS's in the clinics because of the embarrassment/shame/ridicule they might feel? I would be OK in a private setting with a therapist, but going to a gender clinic where everyone knew why you were there is more than I could handle. Maybe that means I'm not TS. You said your mom and dad accepted it. I can tell you that there is no way I would have been accepted if I had coming fully out in my teens.

Amy/Karla B: Thanks so much for the support. I can see where Fruity is coming from and I respect that. My situation is different and maybe she thinks I should fit that mold to be TS. Maybe I should. I just don't know.

I feel strongly that if I had something like this forum available when I was pre-teen or even in my teens you would be calling me

. I also lived in a small city (<100,000 people) and very conservative area. Had I grown up in say Los Angeles could things have been different? Maybe?

Here is another point: back in my teens I wondered if I was gay. I was not attracted to men but I could not figure out why I felt like I did on the inside. I had no where to go to find that out. There was not a amazon.com that I could order books from. There were know gender clinics. I was on my own. I did the best I could.

Thanks everyone! So much to think about.

Quote from: maybe_amanda on September 24, 2007, 12:36:03 PM
Maybe my degree of TS is not what yours and others is. I don't know what the answer is and that's why I here.  Please don't dismiss me just because my situation was not just like yours.

The 23 years I was talking about is my "adult" life where I took steps to live as a man. When I started to repress everything I thought inside and I did what society and family expected of me. I don't think I have any self hatred, I don't dislike myself, I just dislike my body, my masculine features. Always have. Is this TS? I don't know. Again, that's why I'm here.

Maybe that means I'm not TS.

My situation is different and maybe she thinks I should fit that mold to be TS. Maybe I should. I just don't know.


Here is another point: back in my teens I wondered if I was gay. I was not attracted to men but I could not figure out why I felt like I did on the inside. I had no where to go to find that out. There was not a amazon.com that I could order books from. There were know gender clinics. I was on my own. I did the best I could.

dear Amanda

I do not believe in degrees of TS I don't think there is such a thing. Either you are TS or you aren't and noone can tell you that you are or are not TS in the end through self examination and soul searching can you find the answer to this.
you are doing that self examination now and that is a good thing! as far as fitting into the mold of TS isn't the reason that we are all doing this self examination is to break out of the mold we were forced into weather we fit it or not! do not allow yourself to be forced into another one. Therpy can help you through self examination but even a trained theripist cannot tell you who you truely are they can only give you thier views and allow you to take them into consideration to draw your own conclusions. these answers will not come easily you have already had to live with this rift in you identity for a long time if you were not at least comming close to some answers I don't think you would have sought out this forum. and something I try to keep in mind when I feel people were telling me that I was TS enough weather that is what they meant or not ( alot of times things said are meant to provoke thought not to insult or critize but it either comes out the wrong way or because of our own defensiveness we take it the wrong way) is that my ultimate goal is not to become the best TS I can be but to be myself completely and if this means that I need to have my body alterted to be able to be who I am so be it. I don't think any of us are actually trying to just be the top and best TS there is! you are very couragious to be able to admit to yourself that you need to further examine yourself to find the answers you seek. please don't become discouraged because to give up on yourself that would be a terrible injustica to you!



Posted on: September 24, 2007, 01:24:13 PM

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sorry my mind works faster than my fingers and sometimes my fingers fall behind!!! :embarrassed:

I agree with you, I think you either are or are not a TS.

I guess what I was trying to say is maybe there are degree's of drive to do something about being a TS. Maybe my drive to resolve what I feel inside is not as strong as others. But I'm just beginning this self-discovery so maybe that's not how it works at all.

Thanks so much for your input.

Quote from: Karla B on September 24, 2007, 08:50:49 AM
Yeah Berliegh, although European, My parents weren't as open as yours, I think you're a very lucky girl that they were so understanding. Anything that had to do with gender bending, You were considered to be Homosexual or out of your freaking Mind. they figured, you were born as a male and raised as one that's the way you should be. There are no alternatives.
It's true, that in europe many of the countrys are and were more libreal than us here, like the UK,Sweden,Denmark,Holland and Germany. I would consider Canada, the Europe of north america but we still have a ways to go yet. ;)

I don't think I've ever been seen as a gender bender.......just normal. No one has ever thought I was homosexual when I was a teenager just because I looked like a girl. I'm not sure my parents were any more understanding than anyone else they just had to go with it as that was me.......

Quote from: maybe_amanda on September 24, 2007, 12:36:03 PM
Berliegh: is it possible that you do not see the older TS's in the clinics because of the embarrassment/shame/ridicule they might feel? I would be OK in a private setting with a therapist, but going to a gender clinic where everyone knew why you were there is more than I could handle. Maybe that means I'm not TS. You said your mom and dad accepted it. I can tell you that there is no way I would have been accepted if I had coming fully out in my teens.

Excuse me amanda .......That's all I saw was old T's at the London gender clinic. I never saw any young one's! ....just old T's with stubble and clothes I've not ever seen in the real world...

Quote from: Berliegh on September 24, 2007, 02:08:28 PM

Excuse me amanda .......That's all I saw was old T's at the London gender clinic. I never saw any young one's! ....just old T's with stubble and clothes I've not ever seen in the real world...

Knowing the NHS, they had probably put their names on the waiting list when they were 18, it just took them that long to get an appointment ;)

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on September 24, 2007, 02:27:21 PM

Quote from: Berliegh on September 24, 2007, 02:08:28 PM

Excuse me amanda .......That's all I saw was old T's at the London gender clinic. I never saw any young one's! ....just old T's with stubble and clothes I've not ever seen in the real world...

Knowing the NHS, they had probably put their names on the waiting list when they were 18, it just took them that long to get an appointment ;)

Dennis

so are you saying that maybe the stubble formed and thier clothes just went out of date while they were waiting there? sounds like the local post office.

Quote from: Jessie_Heart on September 24, 2007, 02:29:54 PM

Quote from: Dennis on September 24, 2007, 02:27:21 PM

Quote from: Berliegh on September 24, 2007, 02:08:28 PM

Excuse me amanda .......That's all I saw was old T's at the London gender clinic. I never saw any young one's! ....just old T's with stubble and clothes I've not ever seen in the real world...

Knowing the NHS, they had probably put their names on the waiting list when they were 18, it just took them that long to get an appointment ;)

Dennis

so are you saying that maybe the stubble formed and thier clothes just went out of date while they were waiting there? sounds like the local post office.

Humour aside.....they looked like men, spoke like men and acted like men.....it wasn't the image I had of transsexuals...

Berleigh: I'm so sorry I mis-understood what you were saying.

Fruity: I can tell you it's not going to be a "lifestyle choice" for me. I know how the gay people feel know when
people tell them it's a lifestyle choice. Wow! And how can you think that we are not going to go
through the same pain as you did? Is the pain less because we did it later? I think we will have more pain because we have many
more relationships we have to explain it to and deal with the repercussions.

And again you are lumping me in with the guys you see that are older. If I do move forward I've already formulated a plan of
the steps to take and facial hair removal would be at the top of the list. It's one of my least desirable features because it's so masculine.

Maybe the ones you see that still have stubble, etc, cannot afford to have it removed? Maybe they can't afford clothes of
their own. With all due respect Fruity I feel so much more feminine than you sound when you write these things. Where is your empathy and tolerance of other peoples condition? Your words make me angry but as always though I value your input and will take it to heart and will not dismiss them just because I disagree.

maybe Amanda

Ladies and gentlemen lets stop ganging up on each other. Remember attack the issue, never the person.

QuoteFruity I feel so much more feminine than you sound when you write these things. Where is your empathy and tolerance of other peoples condition?

amanda, feeling feminine, to me, has very little relevance to being a woman whatsoever.

I live and work as a woman, and its not about crying, empathy and tolerance. Its about relating, interacting and conversing as a woman. Thats what i do every day. I might cry at a film once a year. You are mixed up with your idea of what women are.

Empathy and tolerance are not female characteristics. I dont even think they are particularly feminine. I've met men who are empathetic and tolerant, and other women who are the opposite.

Women are all different. If you truely identified with women, i feel that you would understand just how different we are from each other, that some of us are tolerant and others intolerant. Some of us are feminine and others masculine. Some have empathy, others are psychopathic. Thats who women are, and i don't think you are aware of that.

Its a common made mistake to identify femininity, with female, or indeed masculine with male. This is why i am saying that you sound to me like you have had your feminine qualities restricted, or repressed somewhere along the line. Someone has told you it is wrong for men to be feminine. You identify acting feminine, as acting like a woman. I think that you are wrong, i think you need to think about things a bit more.

women might tend to femininity, and men, might tend to masculinity, but neither is an identifier of your sexual identity.

I feel feminine, masculine and all kinds of other things depending on the day, and who i interact with. As a woman, or even a man you have to try to be a complete person. I think thats what you are looking for, and you are mistaking it for a sexual identitiy.

I suppose that i feel a bit insulted as a woman, to hear how dancing around in frilly skirts and crying at emotive films have any relevance to being a modern woman in society. I think if you gain any sexual pleasure from having male genetalia, and yet you claim to identify as a woman sexually, its an enormous contradiction. Men like having penises, and women vaginas. The ultimate reality of gender identity is based around that.

If you like your dick, you aint a chick.

i think your mixed up, which i think you honestly and bravely accept, but then i think most late transitioners are mixed up.

its my opinion, and im entitled to it.

having said that, i do wish you every bit of luck with whatever path you choose, trans, or otherwise. Life is very short and i do really hope things go well for you.

Quote from: maybe_amanda on September 24, 2007, 03:09:29 PM
With all due respect Fruity I feel so much more feminine than you sound when you write these things. Where is your empathy and tolerance of other peoples condition?

ok I am sorry but what exactly does this mean? Women can be as intolerant as men and just as uncaring. there are several FtM t-people here that this has got to sound closed minded and creul to. Why is it that it seems whenever there are disagreements it seems someones femininity gets attacked? it seems that sterotypes are perpetuated here just as much as anywhere else. I just don't understand how we can ever expect people who are not transgendered to accept how different we are from them if we cannot accept the differences we have among ourselves. maybe we need to learn to stop judging each other especially as far as weather someone is TS enough or feminine enough before we have any right to expect anyone else to stop judging us. I want to thank everyone that I have talked to on this forum because in one way or another though understanding or misunderstanding you have helped me make a very important decision. I don't care how anyone else views my femininity ether through my actions or through my attitude or even through my looks if I am not feminine enough for them or if I can not "pass" I don't care I am going to live my life in whatever way makes me happy. I give up on finding acceptance and really I don't need it. there is no hope of finding acceptance in the rest of the world if it cannot be found in a support group for like minded people.

Amanda, I believe in doing what you can and with the resources that one has. One step at a time . Never let yourself to be pushed in to trying to get things done quicker than your comfort zone allows you. I believe in doing things when one is ready to do them, may it be in your teens,twenties,thirties,fourties and beyond.
There are all kinds of different situations and storys out there. One just has to read them.There are even quit a few on this board. ::)


Fruity, I have nothing against you and I respect your oppinions.
I realize that your life wasn't chiseled in stone nor were any other TSs including mine. That's why I made that comment. By telling me that it wasn't mapped out in stone,You confirmed that You are no different than us older ones. The difference is, that you and us may have made other choices and other mistakes along the path.
Yes, being TS isn't an easy life and it can be a hard thing to deal with for anyone. Sometimes I have my doubts about people that transitioned early in life like late teens or early twenties. Maybe when they are my age they might feel that it wasn't the right thing to do. Who Knows? :)   

Fruity, It was a poor choice of words on my part by using feminine instead of female.

If you truly identified with our plight, I feel that you would understand just how different we are from each other.

How does that feel? Saying things like "If you truly identified with women" is hurtful, because I'm just here to find out. I don't want or need the confrontational type exchange you seem what to have. I'm sorry if you don't like "late" TS's or feel that they are inferior to you, or not real, or that my plight is not as great as your. But that's my life, I did not choose it, it is what it is. I'm here to learn.

And I can tell you what it is not. It's not about crying and wearing frilly dresses.

Thank you for your good wishes and hope you find happiness as well.

Posted on: September 24, 2007, 05:08:35 PM

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Jessie, yes, I realize that it was a poor choice of words (and thoughts maybe). I meant to say female not feminine.

I do associate (maybe incorrectly) empathy and tolerance with the female gender. I did not mean to be hurtful or
stereotype anyone and agree with what your saying.

maybe Amanda

Posted on: September 24, 2007, 05:14:11 PM

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Karla, thanks, I will take it one step at a time.

Quote from: maybe_amanda on September 24, 2007, 05:14:59 PM

I do associate (maybe incorrectly) empathy and tolerance with the female gender. I did not mean to be hurtful or
stereotype anyone and agree with what your saying.

maybe Amanda

Posted on: September 24, 2007, 05:14:11

it is not a bad thing to associate the two! if this is what femininity means to you and you want to emphisize these characteristics in yourself to express your femininity that is great but in the way it was worded the unspoken message seemed to be that anyone who was masculine was devoid of these  characteristics. I know that is not what was meant and we all say things and don't realize how it may come across when we are aggravated. I am just concerned about the underlying tone some of our ideas seem to present. if we take all of our good characteristics and define them as feminine then it starts to sound as though we believe that masculinity is the oppisite of this. just as if we defined our resolve and inner strengh as male qualities it would seem to say that females cannot posses these characteristics. we are on this journey of self discovery to be able to define ourselves as we see fit and we are striving to do this hopeing to be accepted but we need to remember that there are others at the other end of the spectrum from us who are just as confused as we are and by perpetuating these classic sterotypes we are limiting ourselves and others from being complete because if these are strictly male or female characteristics then someone trying to "pass" will try to diminish what is believed to be the oppisite genders characteristics and they still end up as having to hide who they truely because they can't show thier whole selves.

I see both sides of the arguement and I'm stuck in the middle........I started out with my transition about the same age as Fruity or even earlier if you take into account that I was taking hormones at 25, but because of circumstances, financial problems and big problems with the NHS meant my transition has dragged on for more than 16 years! 

So I now end up in the 'old' transsexual bracket which isn't comfortable. It's not where I wanted to be and the whole objective was to transition when I was young.

There is a large amount of people in their 40's who seemed to live as men quite happily all their life, with lovely families in tow with no hint of androgyny or female lifestyle and complete suppression then drop a bombshell that they want a gender change........and even though it's very different from my own experiences....I can except this happens.

I try not to make judgements especially about people I don't know personally and we are all very different in the way we came to this point. Even though we all come under the 'Transsexual' banner we are bound to agree and disagree on some things which is what forum debate is all about. Fruity's comments are just as valid as anyone elses's even though they might blow a few cobwebs away for some.....

Quote
I suppose that i feel a bit insulted as a woman, to hear how dancing around in frilly skirts and crying at emotive films have any relevance to being a modern woman in society. I think if you gain any sexual pleasure from having male genitalia, and yet you claim to identify as a woman sexually, its an enormous contradiction. Men like having penises, and women vaginas. The ultimate reality of gender identity is based around that.

If you like your dick, you aint a chick.

i think your mixed up, which i think you honestly and bravely accept, but then i think most late transitioners are mixed up.

its my opinion, and im entitled to it.

having said that, i do wish you every bit of luck with whatever path you choose, trans, or otherwise. Life is very short and i do really hope things go well for you.

I began my transition when I fully abandoned my prior life.  I have always been a woman inside and I believe that I am transitioning from female to female.

That is my opinion and I am entitled to it.

I have yet to dance around in a frilly skirt as I dress for business, so I wear heels with smart, appropriate outfits.

I was 50 years old when I finally did something to settle the "battle of the genders" within me by changing the outside of me to agree with the inside.  I started with my psychiatrist who wisely referred me to a gender therapist.  Six years later I have the opinions of two gender therapists, two psychiatrists, and my own heart, that I was born a woman in a man's body.

I never liked my male genitalia.  When my first ex pressed me to see a urologist about why she wasn't pregnant, the lab studies came back confirming sterility and the urologist described my genitalia as considerably smaller than average.

I could not transition until I was able to overcome my fear of what "the committee of they" would say about it.  Until I first logged-on to the web in 1995 the info that I got was pretty hard to come by, not always reliable.  It was then that I was able to find what I needed to know and make contact with other women who have made the same transition.

QuoteIf you like your dick, you aint a chick.

This is by no means a lifestyle choice for me.  It is where my life needs to be.  When it's gone, it's gone.  I almost did it myself but not being a surgeon stopped me.  I had neither the tools nor the training to do an orchiectomy and other urinary tract surgery.  Just as well.  The surgeon I will be seeing needs whatever's left for my neo-vagina.

I didn't like the waiting but it all came out for the best for me as I am on the list for surgery in about eight months.

I am over 50, by one standard a late transitioner.  I am grateful to my Creator that things happened for me as they did.

Is it possible that someone can transition too early and end-up regretting it and praying for a reverse-surgery?  Just curious.

My best to all reading this as the psyche can be a really confusing place to navigate.

Wing Walker

Quote from: Wing Walker on September 25, 2007, 01:13:54 AM

Is it possible that someone can transition too early and end-up regretting it and praying for a reverse-surgery?  Just curious.

My best to all reading this as the psyche can be a really confusing place to navigate.

Wing Walker

if by early you mean they rush headlong into it with out being sure it is what they need and who they are it is very possible it has happened! if by early you mean age, I personally don't think age has much of anything to do with any part of this I personally think that the right time is just as personal and varied as the road to self discovery and feelings involved. 

QuoteFruity, It was a poor choice of words on my part by using feminine instead of female.

well, ok amanda, its a learning curve isn't it, and thats why your here right?

QuoteIf you truly identified with our plight, I feel that you would understand just how different we are from each other

you're right. I don't identify with your plight at all. Most older transitioners wives, struggle to identify with it as well.

if i'd grown up, with the man i love, thinking he is going to be there for ever, having found the one i wanted to be with, and then have him suddenly tell me he's a woman and my whole life has been a lie. It would destroy me, i might never get over it. He'd even make me question my own sexuality.

Many older transitioners destroy their wives lives, but they tend not to care so much about that. Probably, because they don't even see it. Its because, realistically, they don't identify with women at all.

older transitioners, if they really are transexuals, have lied to their spouses their entire lives. They have to accept that. They have to accept that they have lied about who they are to everyone the have interacted with since the day they were born.

if they do that, maybe then i'll give them a bit more credit, and be more sympathetic. However, while its all about 'me me me' showing no sign of any empathy or understanding of the female position, a female that they are supposed to understand, you have to accept that if the situation is like that, as a woman, i am going to side with women, and not older transitioners.

QuoteI'm sorry if you don't like "late" TS's or feel that they are inferior to you

i never said they were inferior, they are your words. They're just not like me. I dont understand them, and they don't really understand me. Im not judging, just saying what i see.

despite what i've said, its obvious that some older transitioners make the change successfully, so there clearly is a future for you if you really want to take that path. Its not upto me who is and who isn't a transexual, but i will call a spade a spade when its neccesary.

QuoteSo I now end up in the 'old' transsexual bracket which isn't comfortable

kim (berleigh) you are older, but you started hrt along time ago. As far as i know you've pretty much lived as a woman your entire life? So, you aren't someone who has suddenly decided they are a woman and based it all on crying at a film, or sitting down to pee once when they were five.

you have a whole lifetime of real experiences as a woman, whereas older transtioners are imagining theirs. Its not the same thing at all.

a vast proportion of what makes a woman, is her experiences as a woman. If an older transitioner is transitioning at 50, they have missed out 50 years of development as a woman. You can't fake 50 years experience, and its a bit arrogant, and ultimately misogynistic to suggest you can.

Hi maybe_amanda

I believe that you are progressing onto the road of discover. Look within, within is where our true selves will be found. All that you need  do is to alter the outside to harmonise with the inside.

I to had the opportunity to live as the gender within. I was 15 and hitchhiked to New york and to join with the Hippies in one of the many communes that were springing up everywhere back in 62. Wearing unisex clothes which was a popular style back then. I to had butt length hair and very much feminine features and no facial hair yet. I even fell in love with one of the guys. He really was a prince charming, very sweet and very cute kid. We never invited more then just fondling and kissing but it was like living out a wonderful fantasy come true, living as a girl in this commune. It was the most precious and wonderful experience I had in all the years of the young age I was then and after. You may ask which gender I would prefer in a relationship? Well I found both sexes attractive, but only as an artist would standing back appraising his or her work of art.

So not knowing what to do yet since I am getting up in years, (retired old hippy I call myself). I met another  M to F  and after several conversations on the phone and by way of emails we finally got together face to face and a few months later we were married in Ontario. Not for sex both of us were then and still are not stimulated towards each other sexually. But we do have a very close and sometime intimate relationship but sex is out of the question. Well I been called weird and odd, stupid, witch,  so many times through the years, it wouldn't make any difference if they added the  label lesbian to the collection. So I have become used to all this label calling, but if anyone appears to be pushing the envelope on me, and they get the birdy from me, well my Soul mate is very protective of me and she is a pretty good size T girl.

For all the years between leading up after I left the commune the biggest deterrent that made me hold back from transitioning  was FEAR  I finally made the decision  7 years ago I came out and began living in the right gender for keeps. At the point where I had to make a decision to either do myself in or swim with the current  my biggest fear was, "What will people say and do?"  Yep our biggest fear is what will the community of they would do or say?. They didn't, most people out there will not even pay you any attention, unless they bumped into you. their minds are mostly preoccupied with their own personal little lives. world  and never had any problems. But I have changed or altered much of my personality and attitude to match my inner self. Other then that I am still the old me.

Cindy   

Posted on: September 25, 2007, 05:17:45 AM

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I left no one behind with tears, and the only reason it took me 55 years to come out full time was that I never found out about gender dysphoria only just ten years ago. It was simply only fear that held me back. No you don't or can't learn every thing over the span of just a few years what being a woman is like.  I just simply learned the characteristics of women because I  have probably spent more time in the company of women then with then fellow males.

I also had the opportunity to have had 11 children go under my roof through the years. The rest after I started full time is elementary.  I had the surgery done four years ago and I have more self esteem and pride in who I am now then I ever had in most of my life. Much preferable then to die in  alcoholic oblivion.  I have moved around a good half of the US and from coast to coast of Canada with my soul mate. We come and go as we wish without any fear at presenting as who we are anywhere we go. It doesn't even take up space in our minds anymore, we are who we are. Yep wasted way to much of my life presenting the wrong gender but now I am who I am enjoying (savoring) every moment of it and that's how it's. Every moment is precious and make up every moment that we can.

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on September 25, 2007, 06:44:57 AM

I left no one behind with tears, and the only reason it took me 55 years to come out full time was that I never found out about gender dysphoria only just ten years ago.

Where were you living Cindy, the artic? ....lol....gender dysphoria has been widely known for a good few 50 or 60 years and I was taught about it at school when I was 15. ...........

I really like your stories about the early part of the hippy era and I wish life was like those halcyon days now.....

I think what information that is available must vary by region. There was absolutely no teaching of gender disorders where I grew up. Very conservative smaller city.

Quote from: maybe_amanda on September 25, 2007, 01:11:33 PM
I think what information that is available must vary by region. There was absolutely no teaching of gender disorders where I grew up. Very conservative smaller city.

I think that in alot of cases people had to seek out the information they found (I know I did) which may sound easy but first you have to know what to look for such as terms to use or ways to describe it. and second you have to know where to look and what may seem obvious to some isn't quite as clear to others!

Greetings!

Hi, im new here. My name's Tina... Dont want to bore anybody with long introductions, so if you want to know more about me just check my site at www.tina.co.za.  :D  Im 34 and live in South Africa. I'm almost 2 years post-op now.

This subject is very interesting to me because i have a good friend called Stef who transitioned late in life. She was married to a woman as a man for over 50 years, waiting until the wife passed away about four years ago before going to see a doctor about transitioning. She had her SRS three years ago... at the tender young age of 80! At her age (now 83) she is an inspiration to me and my circle of TS friends (we are all in our 20's and 30's). She has an active social life, drives herself around and takes care of herself. (In fact, she has had a more exciting dating life than me! She prefers young um, toy boys in their, er... 60's!)

I must admit i am glad i only waited till i was 26 before i went full time, and many times i regret not having the guts to transition sooner, but at least i didnt wait that long! It could have been worse. I could have been 80. 

Anyway, i hope to hear from some people on this site and maybe i could even make some friends here?

Regards

Tina

Hi Tina

I just wanted to welcome you and to let you know you friend Stef has just become my newest hero!! :)

Hi Tina! Great website!

I thought the clock was ticking, good to know I have about 35 years to find myself!

Hi Berliegh

Well for one thing I was raised in a small town pop 6000 and did hear some not to nice stuff about ->-bleeped-<-s and what people would like to do to them, and I sure hopped I wasn't one of them. So I didn't identify with ->-bleeped-<-s, the only trans label I was aware of then. But some time when my name came up in a conversation mom use to say, "oh, you mean my little berdache." So I guess my mom knew. She knew about the dressing up and never said a thing to anyone. But unfortunatly I never learned what transsexuality was until about ten years ago. Incredible yes. Possibly I had heard of the word but it had never registered in my mind until ten years ago that it may apply to me.

Cindy   

I still have some of my old school stuff and looked into it, nope there wasn't anything about GID. I even checked some of my old websters Dictionarys, again nothing about Gid. There's one copy that I have, the last revised printing of it was 1969, No Gid.
I do remember during Personal Developement classes touching on the subject of Homosexuality.  Maybe in some kind of psycology classes they might of touched the subject but in regular classes there was no mention of Gid. ??? "They" probably didn't think it was worth putting in the teaching schedule.
So if you didn't know it exsisted, you didn't know what questions to ask either, much less know that you might have it.
I believe that it exsisted for 60 years, or probably as long as man has, people just didn't know what it was and didn't really care. :(

Back in the day of the Quakers,if you had gid, They might of burned you at the stake for being possessed by the devil or being a witch. :o

Quote from: cindybc on September 25, 2007, 02:42:27 PM
But some time when my name came up in a conversation mom use to say, "oh, you mean my little berdache." So I guess my mom knew.
Cindy   

That's cute. Was your mum first nations?

Dennis

Hi Tina

Welcome to Susan's "wow!" makes me feel like I'm just a kid in comparison. Well sometimes I act like I'm a kid, I don't think I will ever grow up and to tell the truth I don't intend to. Well I just popped in for a second to read the posts and will take a look at your site a bit later.

______________________________________________________________________________

Hi Dennis
Yep part Iroquois and French but I grew up among the Ojibwa people, I guess the Ojibwa people kind of adopted me into their band in the Shawanaga reservation , they knew about that part of me although I hadn't come out yet. This was in the Parry Sound area of Ontario. My soul mate and I now presently live in BC.

Cindy

Posted on: September 25, 2007, 06:15:31 PM

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Hi Karla B

That sounds much like the same scenario as myself. They, other kids, when I was in school knew there was something different, the mannerisms and characteristics just don't fit the gender you are supposed to be, timid quiet and shy, and when you get tagged as different at school it just not an easy thing to live with and as a result I was pretty well a loner. I didn't know why I was different and even after I got into my twenties I was pretty well a loner except for the time I tried to show I was just as much of a guy as they were but that didn't fly to well and again was a loner except for  when I was on the res. I was accepted there.

I liked fantasising I was a girl and even dressed as one on different occasions but I never really find out about what Transsexuality was until about 10 years ago.

Cindy

 

Quote from: Berliegh on September 25, 2007, 12:33:53 PM
Where were you living Cindy, the artic? ....lol....gender dysphoria has been widely known for a good few 50 or 60 years and I was taught about it at school when I was 15.

Maybe things were different here in the US? We never talked about anything remotely sexual in school when I was growing up. I eventually heard about Christine Jorgeson when I was fairly young, but in my mind that made TWO of us in the world now... I had no idea it was a "condition" many people suffered from.

Television pretty much focused on outrageous behavior and drag queens... not that I mind them all, but I knew I needed to BE female, not just look like one part-time.

As with so many others here, it took the internet to really open my eyes to what this was, and to the possibilities of fixing it.

~Kate~

I grew up in chicago where you would figure that I would have learned more about sexual matters but I knew almost nothing about sex (other than through abuse and I don't consider that sex!) till I was thirteen and even then I only knew the misguided information my older brothers told me. I had never heard of Christine Jorgeson till I was twenty five up till then all I understood "sex change" to be was the removal of the penis the olny show I had ever seen with a TS in it was the world according to garp and the results of that case as shown in the movie were not very incouraging. and as far as my parents go I anything other than hetrosexual was described in words unkind enough that I have no desire to repeat them (we all know the type of words I'm talking about and I think we have heard them more than enough!) I had one openly gay cousin who was very nice but I wasn't aloud around him alone because my parents thought that being gay would some how rub off. so all I really got to see of him was at family get togethers and what I knew about it was that everyone was nice to his face and as soon as he left people would make fun of him and talk bad about him and I knew I didn't want that done about me! the most sexual education I had ever gotten at home was at fourteen my dad gave me permission to look at his playboys and when he found out that all I did was actually read them he made fun of me. any show on TV that portryed anything other than what my dad considered normal I wasn't allowed to watch and his idea of normal was a very narrow field (no shows with anything other white hetro people were normal!)
when I was caught at six in my female cousins clothes my life became miserable quick (my dad used this as a reason to sexually abuse me telling me that if I was a normal boy he wouldn't do it but since I couldn't be than he couldn't help himself) all this instilled fear that I still have to battle with on a daily basis!

Hi, Kate,

I didn't hear about Christine Jorgenson until sometime in the early 70's on TV and remember thinking I could be like her and wished I was, but that was as far as it went.

I liked watching drag queen shows but it didn't feel like it fit in with my desire. It wasn't until 1996 that I first heard the word "transsexual," two people were sitting at a table at a drop-in center for street people where I worked as a social worker. They were discussing the subject as I was walking by. It caught my attention.  I felt like I already knew about it.

At the end of that day I went across the street and got whatever information they had on the subject of transsexuality and my introductory story into transsexual was the biography of Canary Conn. I would still recommend it as a read. This girl transitioned in the sixties when she was only twenty years old. The hell that poor girl went through brought tears to my eyes in different parts of her book.

Anyway, I didn't really do much with my new-found knowledge in those first years, not until I got a computer, and I will agree that a computer opened a whole new world for me about transsexuality, including Susan's Transgender. I didn't waste any time after that, doing all the necessary arrangements to get on hormones and began my transition.

Cindy   

Posted on: September 25, 2007, 09:59:24 PM

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PS as for anything on TV that I have seen about Transsexual in recent times was pretty defamatory and really not a very good image for us at all.

Cindy

Quote from: Tinagirl on September 25, 2007, 01:39:40 PM
Greetings!

Hi, im new here. My name's Tina... Dont want to bore anybody with long introductions, so if you want to know more about me just check my site at www.tina.co.za.  :D  Im 34 and live in South Africa. I'm almost 2 years post-op now.

Hi Tina, I had a look at your site and yes went straight to the picture section. I was expecting the usual kind of stuff........but was really pleasantly surprised and you look very natural which it's very refreshing on a personal site......

Hi Tinagirl
"Wow!"  I just looked over your site pretty neat stuff. Beautiful pics of you. A VW enthusiast and fixer upper. And a Sci=fi witter, oh goody, maybe I got me a co conspirator of the sci-fi arts.  ;D

I have also written several sky-fi books and also children's fantasy books but never got to the publishers desk. For one ,I would have needed a editor and they cost money and with the transitioning while living on a disability pension and all. it kind of let the air out of the tires on that one for now.

Anyway your site was very interesting and I hope we can connect again some time.

Cindy

Hi girls!

Thanks very much for the warm welcome! And all the compliments! (Blush). I did the site in 2005 when a friend offered me some space on her server. It was my small way of trying to show the world that we can be "normal" people too, with talents, hopes and dreams - and especially feelings - just like "they" have.  It was a continuation of the way i have been "educating" people who knew me since i came out back in 2000.

At first it was a pretty terrible business, getting stared at in the workplace, people actually tripping up in trying to reach a door or window to watch the freakshow as i passed. But gradually, as people started to understand, their fear of the unknown diminished. This continued to a point where i have been able to work a relatively normal day without any strange events because people who asked questions got answers. And news gets around! In fact i am quite popular at work, even known in different units around the country, funny enough! I was never popular anywhere else! School was no fun at all. The place i work? You may well ask! Those of you who saw my site probably know already - the military. And yes, that was a complicated business. Unlike the US, SA doesn't have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Discrimination is not allowed here, so there are many, many GLBT people in the force. Why GLBT people like working in such a butch environment is another puzzle i havent had time to solve yet! I havent worn uniform in over 7 years, and have an office job, doing multimedia and other creative things. Luckily, because i dont enjoy the military at all - i only went in the beginning because i was drafted.

But all that aside, yes i do write Sci-fi, but with my own little twist of humour! As Terry Pratchett would say - "She's so far around the twist you could use her to open wine bottles". Yup, that's me! I really enjoy writing and have several books on a website where people can buy them or even download a few e-book freebies. I always thought i have a strange sense of humour, kinda "bent" - like me! (giggle) Anyway, it's at www.lulu.com/tinagirl if anybody wants to take a look. They are POD publishers, as mainstreamers seem too full of *(^&^ when it comes to new authors. Most of my main characters are either TS, Gay or something in the GLBT line. I guess i just like it like that. I dont do graphic sex scenes tho... And there was a childrens story (for adults) too... called Innocent Minds - with illustrations. So its mostly clean stuff, trying to promote GLBT and TS in general as "nice" people! Just my little bit of activism!

Wow! What a long post! Anyway i have to run, i will pop in again tomorrow! Once again thanks for the warm welcome and all! Emails welcome - don't be shy! My addy is c3ngela@yahoo.com.

Hugs

Tina

PS

Btw im a member of a SA transgender site called www.genderdynamix.co.za - its been around about 2 years and is doing wonderful things here... Pop in and have a look if you feel like it!