Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was just wondering how many experience a sense of loss for their childhoods. I know this is more relevant to those who are a bit older and have had to endure years of uncertainty and pain. But I guess if you didn't transition as a child then you know what I am talking about.

I have found myself of late, especially since I found some self acceptance, grieving for the childhood I should have had. I know I cannot change anything but sometimes seeing a little girl happily playing or going about their day reminds me of what I should have had and makes me feel really Dysphoric and sad sometimes to the point of tears.

I know the reality of my situation but this does not stop me from wondering what my life would have been like if I had been born with the correct body from the outset. My parents refusal to talk about my early childhood just seems to make it all feel worse. I am dealing with this as I won't get them to talk so I have to move on regardless.

Sarah T

I have felt the loss for a long time. After discovering myself at age 13, my life pretty well went on hold until age 30. I am missing the teen years and young adult. My 45th high school reunion was yesterday and I decided not to attend because I really didn't know anyone there. Yes, I heard some of the names but I didn't share any memories with them. No first love and I never raised a family. I knew to attempt any of those things would have destroyed what I built as I knew what my future was at age 13. I grew up and old far to fast and that is why I try so hard to prevent it from happening to others.

I have always felt the presence of my inner child.
For a long time it did not have a gender.
It has always been curious, loving, funny, mischievous, vulnerable, trusting, happy, sad, full of hope.
Now I know she has always been a girl, and I wonder why I did not understand that feeling I have had about her.
I explain our new world to her, and she rewards me by showing me her joy and wonder.
Together we will always be young, and our childhood will never end.

The only thing I grieve is not being able to dress properly in public. I had a boy friend at 6 who I used to hold hands with walking around the neighborhood and that really help with what I was going through in private.

Sorry for posting so much today, but the topic resonated. I do grieve for my lost boyhood. Which is absurd of me for about a gazillion reasons -- not the least of which being that at 22, I'm still a frickin' foetus.  :D But anyway.

I was watching the tv series "Friday Night Lights" a while back. For those who aren't familiar, it's an Americana-eqsue program about Texas high school football -- the boys, the team, and the community. It's good. I like it. But one day, when I was watching, I just (and this is embarrassing) burst out sobbing. I felt this profound sense of loss for what felt, in that moment, like an essential experience of boyhood. I longed for brotherhood, for physicality, for an outlet where I would finally be rewarded for being a tough sonuva who could take a hard knock. I thought about joining the military.

But when I reflect with my brain and not my heart, I know I'm being super dumb. Even ignoring the fact that I was raised in urban California by two scientist parents and in a community that valued intellect above all else, I was never some jock. I wasn't rough and tumble. Baby Cameron was a weedy lil weirdo with a bowl cut! I was short. I was nerdy. I spent my lunches reading Russian literature and once dissected a dead lizard at the picnic benches. Does that sound like the kind of kid who was gonna get play high school football? Who am I kidding?

My little sister was brawny, in-your-face, and physically aggressive. Today, she plays college rugby. Guess who doesn't play college rugby? This guy right here.

Doesn't stop me from wanting it, though. Very badly. Albeit in an abstract way.

I feel a great sense of loss for "what could have been".  I started transitioning at 30 and sometimes get very angry with not having been able to put this to words much earlier. I don't know what my parents might have done in the 80's if I had been able to verbalize it but given how supportive they were (for the most part) of my nonconformity, I have to believe I would have had a shot at "something" back then.  I struggle with jealousy of my younger brother who got to grow up living the way I feel I should have been entitled to.

Sometimes when I get really down about it, my wife reminds me that I am a product of both my genes and my experiences and I could have been a completely different man if I had not grown up the way I did. I do agree. I am a better man, husband, and father for having struggled and survived... But it doesn't take away the sting completely.

I don't really think that I'd have enjoyed coming up a boy any more than a girl - I like to think i would have been as interested in the same things - including in other boys ;) - so I'd probably have been just as awkward and miserable as a teenager. As a younger child i don't really think i was girly or boyish so it probably would have been the same.

I kind of mourn more for the person i would have been had i not been trans - i feel like i failed at being a woman; I know I'm not one but i still like them. It's like being super excited about a new pair of shoes and then getting them home and realizing they don't fit and they weren't really the right colour.

I tried to come out when I was 13, but was told I was crazy. I really wish I had been able to, not only because it would have save a lot of effort to undo the effects (some like voice can't be undone) of male puberty, but I might have had the chance (if I had been able to switch schools) to live at least some of my childhood in the correct gender.

Yes and no. I had the childhood I had - I knew I didn't really like being a boy and I hated being grouped with the boys but I just went along with it, what else was there I could do? I spent a lot of my time by myself. I can't say my childhood would have been better had I been born female, it could easily have been worse. It was what it was and I've just moved on from it. From time to time I like to wonder how it might have been different (different not "better") but I don't engage with it for long, it's a could've/should've/would've been game that has evidence to back it up and only leads to depression if entertained.

I am a long way past it all and probably had a little different experience in that I never really 'passed' as a guy and was adopted into an abusive household so it seems I didn't have any chance at a 'normal' childhood no matter what. But the thing I regretted most was not being fertile. I wanted nothing in life more than having children and that was never possible. Adopting children may have been possible if it had not been for my terrible choices in men but my inability to pick a good mate may be an offshoot of my childhood?

If I knew what "a normal childhood" was, maybe I would grieve but the concept is foreign to me. All you can  do is make the best of what you have.

I cannot help but to think that my childhood, my entire life, has in some way led to me being the person I am today. From childhood on I've had many great, as well as not so great, experiences. All in some way served as the foundations for the next set. Growing up I was exposed to the two extremes of gender roles. Hard working, dedicating your life and health in order to do what is expected/required of you to support your family. With that also came the sometimes self-medicating the pain away with too much drinking. I learned a variety of trades and skills being "The Little Helper" which all helped me be the uber engineer I am today. Then there were all the hours spent with mom or a grandma to be more like them. Helping with cooking, washing and cleaning. Fascinated by their hidden unknown world.

All parts of my I cannot imagine not having. Especially knowing that I just might not have the skills, insights, and passion for many other important aspects of my life.

But then again.... I would have had a completely different life with far different values  :o

Thank you for this thread Sarah.  After our sharing of puberty stories this is helpful. 

Yes, I did and still do grieve occasionally for that lost girl hood with a simple sigh.  I recall one special Squirrel girl here who was the first to remind me that we could reclaim some elements of our girlhood even if they are stuffed :D  I also consider where I have been in the last three years as my 2nd puberty, done with the right hormones this time!

When I look back at the feminine shadow I once had as now being fully realized it feels as if i still have this second shot at getting life right.  As for what might have been, it is convenient for me to look at the lives of my seven brothers and five sisters.  My sisters lived a far more restricted and circumscribed life back in the 1950-60s with seemingly fewer opportunities and that sense a "guy" wanting you and appearance were so important.

As i resigned myself to living as a guy and making the best of it, the traditional male roles occurred to me as seriously wooden.  Getting a job, supporting a family and going into the military seemed to get top billing.  America is constantly at war and being a soldier, dead or alive, was a sure way to manhood and heroism.  Ya, i tried that, what a lot of bull.

When I was a child and still playing as Tessa with my sisters, life was apparently pretty good.  We took care of the babies, made cookies, other deserts, and cleaned house.  School meant socialization and all the other rigid gender constructs of a parochial education.  I will always remember my last summer off as a girl (in my mind) when we girls sat around reading books while the boys played ball.

The real world started too soon after that as we "boys" were expected to work real jobs and contribute to the family income.

Now I allow myself to collect little dolls, fairies and any girly thing I want (within reason;-) while still being a tom girl and working our farm, trails and wood lot as needed.

Its is never too late to live a meaningful life on our own terms.

Its been interesting reading the replies and see how everyone has handled things for themselves. I had a childhood that I can only remember emotional and physical pain with the exception of a few "nice" memories...learning to bake with my mom, her teaching me how to knit despite her protests, family outings a few anyway, the occasional Xmass or Easter but everything else is taken up by the pain caused by the child abuse, pain of a male puberty on a female child, dealing with all sorts of social issues as a result, dealing with torment due to my physical appearance,...I know my parents loved me but we were a strict Catholic household so anything other than cis-people were an abomination in the eyes of God, an LGBT lifestyle of any description outside "the norm" was a sure fire way of going straight to hell. This part of the reason why when I declared myself a girl on the couple of occasions when I was much younger(4-5-6yrs old) my parents reacted the way they did all these years later when I told them again I was born a girl.

My childhood wasn't that great, parts were outstanding but there was a large and disproportionate amount that was not. Much of that time my parents and siblings had no idea what was happening with me and I did not have the words to describe or understand it.

I try and stay away from that kind of thinking because I don't think it is that helpful in any practical way, I cannot go back, I cannot change it. I did make it this far and will make it further again and all things being equal as the woman I was meant to be.

Sarah T

Well, a little girl I was not. A little boy I was not. I was just me, hiding out and pretending all the time. I know those are formative years but I spent as much time with girls as I did boys. I did lots of projects with my father like building things, repairing televisions (he did that on the side to make a few extra dollars), we built a loft for pigeons and I enjoyed training the birds for the races. I also spent a lot of time with mom, learning to cook, home can food, and starting at a very young age of 11, I often had the privilege of nurturing my baby sister. I was the best baby sitter in the world!

What I truly miss are the teenage years. Especially now, after a long marriage and divorce. I wish I had the experiences of dating and gaining the savvy to turn away those not appropriate for me. Or snatching up someone that was right. I regret not being able to go to high school as a young girl. I regret not being able to sing a female part, act in a female role in the yearly musical. I regret not learning to do my hair properly. I never really have learned.... I suppose that it's just wash and wear hair.

But certainly, I did gain valuable education and excellent skills as an engineer. I don't think that would have happened had I been female in the Mormon culture. My daughter is a great Mormon mother. I do admire her but she is so talented and has not pursued those talents after having babies.

In any case, I do decorate my bedroom with stuffed animals. I love my plush toys. I have a couple of Barbie dolls around here somewhere. When I come across them, I'll play with them for a few minutes. That's sort of how I bring back non existent memories.

As I look back on all those years of playing dress up... back when I thought it was a fetish... I realize it was the only way I could inject some femininity into my life in secret. Had I been a teen girl, I would have loved to wear skirts as required by the schools at the time. Now? Not so much. I can be feminine without skirts. I've lived in the sticks since 2002 which seems like a lifetime and for much of that time, I just wore mens jeans and androgynous tees with steel toed work shoes. I was working building telescopes for much of that time.   .... and my hubby didn't go for makeup or me spending money on clothes. I regret THAT as much as missing my childhood. Now I'm free and I dress nice every time I go into town. I have some lovely pastel tops and nicely cut jeans and very feminine shoes. Here on the ranch, no I mean tree farm... actually, it's just a lot of open natural space... I wear whatever is in my "B closet." That's the one where I put clothes that are showing age and it's where I put all the whatever gender wants to wear clothes. I purge that from time to time so I can store more instruments or electronic junk I seem so fond of collecting.

Now regrets about decisions I've made? Two years ago, I would have told people that I had none. They've all been learning experiences good or bad. But I do have one regret now. Fortunately he's left my life and now I'm free to live again without the emotional abuse.

Cindi

I often wonder what would have happened if I had a more ordinary childhood. There were a lot of times when I felt great grief over the childhood I never had as a girl and all the things I'll probably never experience.

I missed a lot of chances to come out and live my life and I feel like a coward for not taking those chances. I feel that I'm weak and stupid for not doing the right thing for so many years and I have to deal with a lot more these days because of that.

But with all that said I think I have the possibility to become a better person in the long run because this situation granted me a perspective that I wouldn't have otherwise.

There is a great chance that if I had a more ordinary childhood I would know a lot less about myself and I would have been a lot less restrained and because of that I would have just blended in with my classmates. Partying, drinking and doing drugs and not studying. Knowing my family's history of addiction I'd be just another member of the family wasted by alcohol as so many of my otherwise talented relatives were. Or not, but we will never know.

Nowadays I grieve the years lost to depression and self pity and I try to steer my life to a direction where I can leave behind all the things that prevent me from being truly happy which involves getting rid of a lot of bad habits.

Constantly, eternally, depresivly. Most days it dose not come up, but once I get started its a sure fire way to cry for a while and snowball my emotional state right from "sorta doing ok" into "full blown sobbing panic" though some days are worse than others.

Serena

All the time.

The biggest deal for me is having to give up being associated with my secondary school since it was all boys. I wish I could have gone to an all girls school or even a co ed one. However the co ed schools generally performed worse so I didn't go there.

It's hard for me to be completely honest about my sense of loss with my childhood.  At risk of being told to stand in the corner by the mods if I was completely honest I'd have to say my childhood would have been perfect if there had been no males in it.  I won't go into detail because there's no point really and I'd only get myself in to trouble for breaking the rules.

I was discussing this subject yesterday with my wife. Yes. I lived a fake life all my life. And then i found myself free but clueless about everything. So many years were stolen from me. I had to learn how to become a 30 year old woman in just a few months. Fortunately my partner is awesome about it and we are having a lot of fun. But better late than never i guess! 



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To a degree, yes.

But then I remember that even though childhood was difficult and unpleasant, I never wasn't being myself at any point during that time. I was always myself, I can't say I was ever forced into a role or took one I did not want. Other people didn't see what I saw - or wanted to see in the mirror - but it didn't matter. I still did what I wanted to do wherever I myself was concerned. I was strange to other people, different, non conformist... the only part I can grieve for is the part that might have involved others, camaraderie, "normality" and so on.

I remember a lot of self-actualization in childhood, and a lot of careful logical observation. I'm not sure how I would have been too different in that dept. had I been the correct gender. I was more absorbed with that than with fitting in with others, or what others thought of me. So I suppose there isn't a lot that was lost. I do wish I'd experienced my first romantic adventures as a boy and not a girl, and other things, but they aren't all that important to me any more.

I don't grieve for not being born cisgender, since I think I would have been an entirely different person then.

I do however grieve for not coming out once I realized that I am trans, when I was around 13-14 years old. I grieve for not having had the opportunity to go on puberty blockers (my puberty had barely started at that time, it was late and slow due to me being hormonally different; at least this wasn't discovered until the pre-HRT checkups, as I'm sure they would have pumped me full of T if they had found out during my teens), I grieve for not having had the opportunity to start HRT in my late teens, and I grieve for remaining in the closet and having let myself be a suppressed, miserable person throughout my twenties and into my early thirties.

I also grieve for compensating for the fact that everything about my sexuality felt "wrong" (I'm bisexual, but my attraction towards men felt heterosexual and my attraction towards women felt homosexual, meaning all my fantasies were "reversed") and added to my dysphoria, by falling for religiously conservative arguments telling me that they were wrong. It became an ecco chamber with my dysphoria feeding the sexual conservatism and the other way around, and it left me with the experience of a fourteen-years-old in the relationship and sex department, as a 33-years-old. And now I feel like I'll never find someone to share my life with, which sent me into a depression earlier this fall - I'm thankfully feeling a lot better now, and at least I know that the reason I can even grieve over this is because I in general feel so much better, so much less dysphoric, that I'm finally able to access my grief over my history, since I now know that it could have been different. Also, in general, I've been a lot more in touch with my emotions after I started HRT. And perhaps that will help me move on, and get past these issues and finally start living my life.

So yes, I grieve, but by "losing my childhood" I mean "not transitioning when I first realized". I can't even imagine being born cis, and in a sense, being trans has taught me so much, and essentially made me into a better person. Of course, I could have been a good person also if I were cis, but I would have been a different good person. And even though my life has been, and still is, challenging, I still wouldn't trade being me for being someone else.

Yes very much so. I is the main face of my disphoria and has nearly killed me. Although in my case I did come out as a teenager. I am now 20 and looking for hormones.

When I hear about transgender kids I get very angry and question whether they deserve what they have.

As a teenager I was very effeminate so I got to express myself to a degree. I am extremely angry at my parents.

I believe gender is inborn so there is a paradox here. I you greave the loss of a girl hood then you were a girl and if you were a girl then you should not be sad.

I don't believe I was that much different from other girls just on the wrong side when the fence went up.

I mainly wish I had been able to get through puberty at the right age.   No one told me how embarrassing the early months of transition were going to be.  Dressing inappropriately, no control of emotions, saying and doing things as an older person that a teenager would do is just not very forgivable.

"Naughty trans women go to a special hell where they must only wear the clothes they bought during the first six months of their transition".

Honestly, I grieve more for my lost 20's. I was something of a geeky nerd groeing up, and girl me is even geekier and nerdier so I'm pretty sure that male or female I would have been an outcast. I really wish I could have my 20's back though, so I could explore who I am while still young.

Quote from: mfox on November 04, 2015, 09:03:21 AM
I mainly wish I had been able to get through puberty at the right age.   No one told me how embarrassing the early months of transition were going to be.  Dressing inappropriately, no control of emotions, saying and doing things as an older person that a teenager would do is just not very forgivable.

"Naughty trans women go to a special hell where they must only wear the clothes they bought during the first six months of their transition".

LOL but come on, we have also developed some acute coping skills that most teenagers are just getting used to maybe?  I did shock myself a few times early on tho so yea it can be embarrassing but humility is OK too