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I don't know what to do anymore I have just run out of willpower to keep going ):

My family constantly misgenders and deadnames me on purpose despite knowing what I'm doing. I actually get told I'm rushing even though I have barely done anything in the grand scheme of things. They want it to go away but it just isn't.

The problem is all of this negativity is really hurting me and I just want to escape. I can't afford to move out either so I'm thinking of just disappearing entirely.

All of this is going on while I'm essentially 18 months away from even starting any treatment due to how the NHS works, it just feels like there is nothing at all to keep me going.

The last few days I've just been wondering if it's really worth sitting through another day of this wait with absolutely no support from my family. I know it's selfish but I was at least hoping I could have some kind of support. Maybe it would be better if I just left this world.

Sorry to vent all this out I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sophie

who are you transitioning for, yourself or others. There is always the option of getting a job and getting financially stable to transition. You've already contacted the NHS so each day is one day less. Move out, your going to do that anyway unless you plan on stay under your families care forever. I'm 63 and it took a lifetime of needless pain to find the path . I'm sure you can do it in a lot less time than it took me.

What you are going through will most likely leave scars in your soul.
All interesting people have them.
Years from now you will look back and remember what a bad place you have been in, and rejoice in your life.
Stay true to yourself, change only that about yourself which you need to fight, bide your time, never give up.
That day will come, and you will be happier than you can imagine.

SofiN, hang in there. I know 18 months is a good amount of time. I wish they didn't make you wait so long to get the help you need. It stinks. You need to let them know how you feel and how they are treating you is hurting you. They may feel it is all fun and games meant to get you to go back in line with what they feel is norms, but they don't get it that there actions could have fare more consequences than they realize. They need to be brought to understand the pain your in now because without them hearing about that from you they won't change. I know it is easier said than done, but that is really what it comes down too. Hang in there and keep us updated. Hugs
Mariah

The transition is a long process for all of us. The people you look at and admire may have a long history behind them. They had periods where just like you  it seemed like their transition was going backwards. Look at you. You have started to work on your appearance and even done a name change. It may not sound like much but the transition is something you chip away at. Family can be one of the hardest problems of all. It took me years to get my mother to stop calling me by my dead name but it has been far longer since I last heard it used. Giving up won't give you what you so badly need but fighting for it will. It will be a long battle but I think you can win it.

Quote from: SofiN on November 01, 2015, 02:22:09 PM
I don't know what to do anymore I have just run out of willpower to keep going ):

My family constantly misgenders and deadnames me on purpose despite knowing what I'm doing. I actually get told I'm rushing even though I have barely done anything in the grand scheme of things. They want it to go away but it just isn't.

The problem is all of this negativity is really hurting me and I just want to escape. I can't afford to move out either so I'm thinking of just disappearing entirely.

All of this is going on while I'm essentially 18 months away from even starting any treatment due to how the NHS works, it just feels like there is nothing at all to keep me going.

The last few days I've just been wondering if it's really worth sitting through another day of this wait with absolutely no support from my family. I know it's selfish but I was at least hoping I could have some kind of support. Maybe it would be better if I just left this world.

Sorry to vent all this out I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sophie

I wish I could be more help, but all I can say is that you and I are in the same boat  with the total lack of support in our lives from our family. In fact, I was thinking of posting the same thing, but then I got to thinking that people are probably gettin' mighty sick of me whinin' all the time. It ain't doing me no good.

Anyways, you aren't alone. There's lots of us in that lonely boat of no support. I wish life were like a family sitcom and there was an easy universal solution to our problems.

Right now, I live with a very unsupportive dad. Not only does he not support me in transitioning, but he hardly supports at all. Its like he can't even stand to ever think about my independence or even the mere sight of me.

So I job search online a lot. Do you work? Maybe save up some money and move out. That's what I'm tryin' to do. Money seems to be the only way out of here. Money + Independence = Freedom.

Hang in there, Sophie....

~Nixy~

Thanks so much for the support. I really needed to just get it off my chest.

These thoughts come and go but I do agree with everything, it's hard to see the positives on this end and I know everyone here goes through this step in varying amounts.

I'll try to keep looking at the small things like as you said appearance and the name change.

Maybe some extra time out of the house could help too.

Sofi, everyone of us needs support of one kind or another.  If you can't get it from your family or friends, you can find plenty of support here.  At this early stage of your life you need to find ways to cope with your GD until doors start to open for you.  Many of us still experience GD well into our transitions, so don't expect to be free of it anytime soon.  I dealt with my GD by focusing on other goals which served to distract me from my gender issues while preparing for the means to transition.  It's a long road to find peace of mind, but it will come to you if you're determined.  Please don't give up.  You can do this.

Hi Sofi, I'm sorry to hear that your not receiving the support that you want from your parents and that their behavior is hurting you.
If this were my family I would take the time to write each of them a letter telling them why I'm transitioning, what my plans are, how long it will take, the support I need, and how what they are doing is hurting someone who needs their love.
You don't want to be antagonistic, angry, disrespectful, or make any accusations.
Just explain to the best of your ability, we can help if you get stuck or need help, how you are still their child or sibling and how they can help you and what you are willing to do for them.
I hope they come to accept you.
Hugs,
Sarah

Thanks for the support you are all amazing!

I decided I'll go shopping for skirts and dresses this week to see if it helps! I've always wanted to wear them and I'm just going to go for it whether my family likes it or not.

I'm trying to think of a way to approach family as well. One of my brothers called me Sophie last night I was in shock! Maybe it is a sign?

The letter approach sounds really good I might give it a go.

That's great new Sophie, when my brother used my name for the first time I just wanted to hug him :) but we were talking on the phone and he is in another state :P

I'm glad you doing a bit better, don't give up.

Hugs,
Sarah

Hugs!!

Do the things that make you happy.  That may be one thing they are looking for in you.  When they see you happy, there will be more acceptance.  Share the success with them and let them see the pain of the temporary failures. Let them know this isn't gping to stop.  This is just you be comming you.  Have fun doing something to let them know you are still you..

Basically, live!

Been there....

Hugs

Jen

Like Dena said, a lot of people look at those who have successfully transitioned and forget that they have gone through hard times just like you. At least you're in the process of doing it, your family is aware, and they aren't disowning you for it. Sure they may not be as supportive as you want them to be, but this is probably extremely difficult and new to them as well. They are going to miss the person you once were to them.

I went through a dark stage of depression a couple months ago and had constant suicidal thoughts. It's hard to be transgender in a society like this to begin with, add on the general hardships of transition, supporting yourself etc., rude people who won't respect or acknowledge your identity, and it can get very taxing.

I felt like killing myself multiple times, but I held on, because I knew even though I wasn't where I wanted to be yet, I know I'll be there someday and I'll be very happy and proud for having soldiered through all the pain. You can't get to that happy place if you're dead. Trust me, most people who have transitioned have experienced what you are going through. Keep your head high darling!

You have already done what so many of us are afraid to do. Your secret is out. That is the hard part. Instead of hiding for the next twenty years or so you have a wonderful life to look forward to. I hid my feelings all my life and you won't have to go through that.  It is a shame they won't support you better now but better times are ahead.

Sophie, you have done the hardest thing already. You have told them. Yes, their denial is hard. I went through it too... so I get it. Many of us here do. We've been there, done that. I ended up moving to another state where I knew no one and had no job. The internet didn't exist back then. There was this thing called CompuServe which was internet-ish. There, I found a chat room and made some contacts. I borrowed a "friend's" couch for a few months, got a job, and then my own place. Then I found a doctor and saved for surgery.

Shopping is a great idea. Whenever I get down, I go shopping. I like beauty products and clothes just like any other woman. That's what I do.

Hugs,
Cindi