Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So... I'm very excited today!! I got a phone call from the gender clinic in Amsterdam, and I made my first appointment there! I actually have two appointments there on the same day: one is at the endocrinologist, and one is at the psychiatrist two hours later.

Even though the appointment is still far away (22nd of January), I'm still excited because it gives me something to look forward to! I hope everything goes well, though I can't help but feel a bit nervous still... :D

On a related note: I have spend the better half of last month writing a draft coming out letter that I plan to send to my mother and family. I decided to do this by letter (e-mail) because my family (especially my mother) comes from a very 'traditional' background, and confronting them about my ->-bleeped-<- face to face would most likely only result in a lot of unnecessary swearing / hostility and drama. The intend behind this letter is to tell them very clearly that my gender dysphoria is not something that I wish to ignore any longer, and that this isn't something I can resolve in any other way.

My plan was to send this letter after I had my first appointment, but right now I'm not sure if I should wait longer or not. I would hate to send this letter too early when everything is still so vague. What do you girls think I should do? Or, what would you do in my situation?

Dear Galyo;

Congratulations on your appointments and hope all goes well.

As to announcing your coming out, why not wait a little while if you can before you do it? I do understand the feelings of urgency you have but why not wait until after your psychiatric visit? This way you may have an opinion from someone else and have time to better prepare yourself.

I came out to my family in person. I just felt that was a more personal way but then again everyone has their own way. If you decide to send an email, it can appear to be cold and uncaring because they are just words on a screen with no voice inflection or tone unlike the spoken word. Should you decide to do it in person, raising your voice won't help neither will swearing. Take into consideration that this will be a major shock and have great impact on the recipients. It can be harder depending on the mindset of the recipients toward anyone from the LGBT community.

I began by telling my family that I had a personal situation that was serious and was causing me great stress and mental anguish. I let them know that if I could resolve it any other way I would have but cannot delay any longer. I also asked them to refrain from interrupting me as what I was going to say was extremely difficult and to bear with me. If they had any questions, I'd answer them as best I could after. It was then I dropped the bomb shell.

I had brought with me an information packet for each of them that explained what being transgender meant, why I was the way I was, various options for me, how to be a supporting ally and hoped they would read it over at their leisure. I was surprised at the reaction I received with the family saying they were supportive and the like which was the complete opposite of what I had expected. I only found out much later through a third party I had been right in my initial assessment. The great thing is I know their true feelings but they don't know that I know so I can push things a little.

In the end though, it ultimately will be your decision how and when to come out and there is no right or wrong way to make the announcement. You know your family much better than I ever will and armed with that, you'll make the choice that is right for you.

I wish you much luck and happiness.

Love,
Clare

Coming out, in my opinion, is probably the hardest and most stressful thing you'll do on your journey.

I agree that coming out in person would be a lot more personal, but my family is just not that positive minded about me so I want to avoid it as much as I can. Like I said, if I come out to them in person, I'm 99.9% sure it would end in a lot heated arguments, and in my mother calling me all sorts of negative things that I generally don't have any need for. I feel like if I come out using a letter, it would give them all the personal time they need to accept it and internalize it. I hope that makes sense... o_O It's mostly my mom who is very quick to judge. My other family members I couldn't really care for what they think of me, to be honest.

And yes, I do want to wait with sending the letter after I visited the psychiatrist. But should I wait until after the my first appointments, or during the diagnosis? o_O

Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it. I have a long road ahead for me and I hope everything goes well.

You want advice?

Listen to your heart.
Grow some balls.
Don't eat yellow snow.

"Grow some balls". Does that imply that you think I should confront them face to face? It's not that I don't have the 'balls' to come out to them. I already came out to them about having a boyfriend, which was also a big struggle for them to accept (and probably still is). I'm just not sure if I want to be confronted with even more emotional baggage, if you get what I mean...

I love being enigmatic. But without that, I might have said - :

Find out what is right for YOU [Listen to your heart]

Defend it against family, society and outside pressure. Stand your ground. Don't give in. [Grow some balls]

Do not accept situations where those with narrow minds make the rules. [Don't eat yellow snow]

Clear enough?
Challenge me.

I see! Yes, now it is more clear. XD I always had some trouble reading between the lines...

Thanks a lot for that. It helps me build confidence where I previously had none.

QuoteIt helps me build confidence where I previously had none.

Wrong, stupid.
You have always had this confidence because this is who you are.

Choose the right point of view, the right perspective.
There is no need to change your character.
Just get your priorities right, that is the really hard part.

Okay, geez... >_< I'm not 'changing' my character at all. I just feel like I finally have at least sóme nerve to stand up for myself in order to do this.

What kind of priorities do you mean?

So many members on Susan's struggle with the balance between their own needs, the wishes of their families and spouses and the pressures of society.
Choosing who decides about their future is impossibly difficult for them, they are fighting for a solution to their conflict of priorities.
Those who arrive at a **** *** stance are ready to move on, the others bow to the fears and limitations of others and remain stuck and miserable.
What is so hard to understand about getting your priorities right?

Im still waiting for the clinic in amsterdam to phone me for the screening ^^.

But on the comming out part i first only told my mother face to face and a few friends i trusted enought.
But after a little while i couldnt hold it any longer some co workers started to notice my changes mentaly.
After about 2 weeks of hearing co workers talk about me i finaly had enough and just told everybody i was pretty fearfull about the outcome but they had to know  and i wanted them to hear it from me, that way they could ask me if they had any questions.

so far everybody accepted it and i feel great.

thats my comming out experience so far i hope it helps a little

good luck and hugs ^^

congrats. I don't know do you have a specific reason for telling you family sooner. I think having a support person such as a therapist to bounce things off of if your family gets hostile would help . Also you would be more inclined to charge forward after getting the first appointments out of the way and seeing the path better. Just my 3 cents. Unless there is some sort of reason like wanting to go full time as far as dressing and you just want them to know what's going on.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 07, 2015, 02:34:55 PM
Also you would be more inclined to charge forward after getting the first appointments out of the way and seeing the path better.

Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking myself... I suppose never is really a 'good' time to come out, but it seems more logical to wait until after my first appointment.

And thanks. ^_^

Quote from: FromAtoZ on November 07, 2015, 12:10:23 PM
Im still waiting for the clinic in amsterdam to phone me for the screening ^^.

But on the comming out part i first only told my mother face to face and a few friends i trusted enought.
But after a little while i couldnt hold it any longer some co workers started to notice my changes mentaly.
After about 2 weeks of hearing co workers talk about me i finaly had enough and just told everybody i was pretty fearfull about the outcome but they had to know  and i wanted them to hear it from me, that way they could ask me if they had any questions.

so far everybody accepted it and i feel great.

thats my comming out experience so far i hope it helps a little

good luck and hugs ^^

It seems like the VUmc is always busy. >_< I would expect your appointment to be take place sometime early next year, just like mine.

You came out this early already? God... I did tell my chef about my situation, and she has a lot of respect and asked me to keep in touch about it. My family is next on my 'coming out' list, and after that I would consider informing my co-workers (though I hope to be on hormones by the time that happens).

Thanks and good luck to you as well! ^_^

Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on November 05, 2015, 04:34:20 PM
So many members on Susan's struggle with the balance between their own needs, the wishes of their families and spouses and the pressures of society.
Choosing who decides about their future is impossibly difficult for them, they are fighting for a solution to their conflict of priorities.
Those who arrive at a **** *** stance are ready to move on, the others bow to the fears and limitations of others and remain stuck and miserable.
What is so hard to understand about getting your priorities right?

My priority is to focus on my personal needs and well-being, which is something I have done too little in my life so far IMO. At the same time I acknowledge that my family (my mother I should say) did a lot of good things for me, which I am thankful of. This is the reason why I want to be upfront about it and be open about this personal issue that means a lot to me.

Quote from: Galyo on November 07, 2015, 04:00:15 PM

It seems like the VUmc is always busy. >_< I would expect your appointment to be take place sometime early next year, just like mine.

You came out this early already? God... I did tell my chef about my situation, and she has a lot of respect and asked me to keep in touch about it. My family is next on my 'coming out' list, and after that I would consider informing my co-workers (though I hope to be on hormones by the time that happens).

Thanks and good luck to you as well! ^_^

I had to in male mode i was miserable couldnt focus at al at work every personal work evaluation was bad.
I was also heavy 130 kg.
This was about a year ago, and now i weight 96,i got over nail biting over night, started to grow my hair,and then i suddenly got a good work evalution it raised to many red flags in some people there eyes( not bad tho ^^ ).

At that point in time i just couldnt hold it any longer the real me wanted to burst out.

so i kinda was forced cause where people work they talk ^^, and in the end al my co workers accepted me and are supportive.

only advise i know helped me is to personaly tell them, so you can awnsers there doubts and questions.

Good luck ^^

I think that currently a lot of my co-workers just view me as some andogynous looking gay dude. XD

I've already worn a dress to work before. It's very alternative / gothic looking so I could kind of pass it off as some sort of alternative looking vest or something. So in that sense they already know I'm a bit different. I think the moment I can be on hormones, I will inform my co-workers about my transition, since that is the point where they can begin to see my appearance changing the most.

So... I have to bump this topic for the following news.

I've been preparing to move to a new house for a while, and yesterday my mom helped with packing my stuff around the house. Of course, after a while she did find some of my dresses and other related stuff. She didn't make a big fuzz about it back then (though she was visibly confused). I suppose I could have hidden the dresses before she arrived, but I'm not really one to hide stuff. >_<

So today, she drives me home, and during the car drive there she tells me that she wants to have a serious conversation about why I wear those things. In other words, I can basically throw my letter-idea out of the window... I don't think I have any other choice but to come out in person to her now.

I'm kind of scared, but on the other hand I'm kind of glad that she made the offer to have this conversation. I will probably have that conversation after I'm done moving out (I hope to have everything moved to my new place by saturday) and then I'll have to keep my fingers crossed to see how well she will take it...

My decision to transition is very strong, since this is what I wanted to do ever since I was a teenager and learned about the term 'transgender'. I know that transitioning will break my life-long cycle of having a negative self-image and a lack of self esteem. However, I love my mom and I hope she takes it well. I would be heartbroken to see her drop her support for me. Then again; if she saw my dresses then perhaps she already has an idea of what is to come... I hope.

Wish me luck girls.

Good luck with that. I am far away from my mom, otherwise I would prefer talking with her face to face. So I can also observe and thus understand where her reactions will be going.

This is the thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194775.0.html

If you have written your letter already, you can give it to her now.

Help her understand, give her time, do not make her think she has any say in this. The decision is yours alone.

Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on November 09, 2015, 02:47:34 PM
If you have written your letter already, you can give it to her now.

Help her understand, give her time, do not make her think she has any say in this. The decision is yours alone.

I still have my letter, but I feel it contains a lot of venting... I'm not sure if that's a good approach. Maybe I can keep it short.

You know her and your relationship with her best.
That said, I would give her the original letter (including venting), and then talk to her and explain to her why I had written it and how I had had intended to give it to her.
I would.

Quote from: Martine A. on November 09, 2015, 02:36:35 PM
Good luck with that. I am far away from my mom, otherwise I would prefer talking with her face to face. So I can also observe and thus understand where her reactions will be going.

This is the thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194775.0.html

I also like to talk to my mom face to face about personal things like this, but I'm also very quick to get emotional which can make it hard for me...

I'm sorry to hear you can't talk with your mother face to face about yourself. o_o

Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on November 09, 2015, 03:18:45 PM
You know her and your relationship with her best.
That said, I would give her the original letter (including venting), and then talk to her and explain to her why I had written it and how I had had intended to give it to her.
I would.

Hmm... Perhaps that is a good idea indeed. It might provide her some insight into my feelings.

Update time!

Yesterday I had 'the' talk with my mother. My boyfriend was there too, which helped me a lot emotionally. I had a lot of trouble getting it out... I was stammering and stuttering like an idiot, but it came out eventually. She did get stunned when I finally told her that I can't identify with being male. I started crying as I told her why I feel this way, and she did too.

The next morning I woke up to see a message from her on my phone, saying that she will always support me. She even offered to drive me to to Amsterdam for my first appointment at the genderteam! I'm so happy I can finally put this to rest and be honest about myself towards her.

Congratulations on having such a supportive Mom!! Hard part is over, it gets easier now as time passes.

Wishing you much happiness on your journey.

Love,
Clare

Thanks! I'm very thankful of my mom being as understanding as she is. Now to get things started and move towards HRT! ^_^

Taking my journey one step at a time.

good that you took the big step to tell your mother ^^.

And that she is supportive as well :D, good luck on your journey ^^

Physical distance did come into some play, but I decided to tell mi famile of mi status an intentions via e-mail. I gave mi undivided attention, I was able to state facts an how I feel an not get thrown off course bi interjection. Bi print they can start an stop reading to do or say whatever, but na direct message remains there undisturbed. Bifor I did this I spoke with mi gender therapist on what kind of format to use, like what things to cover. Na format I used seemed simple, direct an best.

1) Tell them whats going on
.
2) a brief scientific explanation of what being trans is, what causes it, an enforcement that it's neither parents fault.

3) Tell them how you know, an both how an how long being trans has effected yer life.

4) Tell them what yer doing about this, how it works an what to expect.

5) Re-enforce again that neither parent is at fault an offer links to pflag an other support networks including yer therapists contact info.

6) DON'T Apologize, no one did anything wrong!

We got a saying bak home in refferance to na politics of ar country that I feel applys to transition.
" Iffin yer not confused, ye don't know whats goin on"....

Oh an yes, both congradulations an best of luck to ye love hugs.

More updates! Yesterday I rewrote my letter partially, and send it to my brothers and the rest of my family by e-mail. My oldest brother got on the phone with my mom about 15 minutes after I pressed the 'send' button. He was pretty shocked. My mom told him I was visiting and asked if he wanted to talk to me. He didn't want to talk to me. I suppose it will take some time for him to accept.

More updates!

Today I had my first 'screening' at the genderteam in Amsterdam! It was a great success, and both the endocrynologist and psycholist were very nice and reassuring. I told them my backstory, and I've been given the thumbs up to move to the diagnostic phase. This does mean that they now recognize me as transgender (or someone with gender dysphoria as they called it), which is great to hear!

Unfortunately, the waiting time for taking part in the diagnostic phase was estimated at around five or six months, so that means I have a whoooole lot of waiting to do.

One funny thing that occured while in the waitingroom: a woman approached me and assumed i was a cis female! Possibly the best compliment I got in a long time! XD

Quote from: Galyo on January 22, 2016, 09:34:41 AM


Unfortunately, the waiting time for taking part in the diagnostic phase was estimated at around five or six months, so that means I have a whoooole lot of waiting to do.

Wait .. what!?? woow 6 month for a diagnostic?  thats crazy at least you are followed by a specialist team but.. isnt there a different way to achieve your goal faster?

If i followed the standard procedure( well i did but i speeded up things)  i would still be waiting for an endocrinologist call.    Here is how i got on prescribed HRT by an endocrinologist:

- i found a qualified private psychologist/sexologist that was following trans allready , i saw her like 5-6 time.

- I went to private health clinic to get a referal letter to see an endocrinologist, i also asked her for the required blood test for HRT that i had previously found on the web.

- She refered me to a public endocrinologist, from july to october i didnt have any news.  I called directly to the endocrinologist office and guess what?  she wasnt able to provide me an average date/month of when i will have my first appointment.  She said that they are dealing with cancer as priority.. wtf.. like if being transgender is not important.. i told her i was about to commit suicide and i couldnt wait longer.  ( We are in january and i still havent heard back from them  ..)

- I called back my doctor then she pointed me that i could see a private endocrinologist and have an appointment the same month.  This is what i did and i had my appointment 2 weeks later .  I brought my referal letter from doctor and my blood test . I also told him i was a transsexual and i was being followed by a therapist. He asked me her name and asked me how many appointments i had  then he said it was enough.  The endocrinologist prescribed me HRT for 3 month and asked me to have full report from my therapist  before next appointment. ( that i still see weekly)

- Something went bad, when i asked my therapist for my report she told me she was about to leave in vacation.  She left for 1.5 month at xmas  so when i saw my endo for the 3 month appointment i had nothing to give him.  He asked more question this time and prescribed HRT to me for 2.5 month and said that he will extend my prescription by phone once he recieve my report from psychologist.  (She is currently writing it)


Still it didnt take me long to be on HRT and it could have been 3 month earlier if i knew about private clinic.. However it cost money but to my eyes i prefer paying 150$ then waiting a whole stupid year.

good luck, happy that things are progressing for you

Quote from: archlord on January 22, 2016, 10:08:36 AM
Wait .. what!?? woow 6 month for a diagnostic?  thats crazy at least you are followed by a specialist team but.. isnt there a different way to achieve your goal faster?

(snip)

Still it didnt take me long to be on HRT and it could have been 3 month earlier if i knew about private clinic.. However it cost money but to my eyes i prefer paying 150$ then waiting a whole stupid year.

good luck, happy that things are progressing for you

This is the way things work in the Netherlands I think. As far as I know, I can't make separate appointments like that but only follow the program as it is at the genderteam. The waiting list is getting longer and longer each month, so I already kind of feel sorry for the transgender people who got their first appointment in the future...

I try to remain positive and feel confident with the fact that at least now the ball has started rolling and I'm on the waiting list for future treatment.

Thanks for your kind words!

Okay. So, some other things happened... My dad returned a phone call at 1:30 at night / in the morning (!!), and I told him that I would like to offer him the opportunity to have a conversation with me (like I did before) and talk about me being trans and how it will affect my future. Instead of taking up my offer, he derailed the conversation into how I'm supposedly not being grateful towards anything he's done for me in the past (I'm not sure what those things are, since he has NEVER been there for me at ANY point...).

After a couple of minutes of trying to get back to the topic at hand, he said that me being trans was "disturbing" to him. I again offered to explain my situation to him in person, so that he would understand it and no longer feel that way, but he kept on derailing it and spinning it to talk about him instead. I then got fed up with him and told him the truth, that this was the only time in my life that I'm thinking about my own needs instead of that of others, and that he's being obnoxiously arrogant by putting his own needs before something that means incredibly much to me. Then he hung up on me...

I took to Whatsapp and wrote my frustrations to him in text, saying that it's okay for him to break contact with me if he wants to, but that he shouldn't come crying back after five years (like he did after he got divorced from my mom) because he doesn't have any contact with his child. I also took the opportunity to call him an idiot for calling me at such RIDICULOUS times. -_- He said "goodbye", and I proceeded to block him on Whatsapp.

There goes my mood...

More venting / updates. My relationship with my brother is now officially over.

Because my mom kept pressuring me, I attempted for the third time to contact my youngest brother (I have two brothers) to invite him over for a conversation about myself and me being transgender. He replied with "Hey, I would love to talk to you some time! Though I hope you don't want to talk about your transgender thing or something. I prefer to ignore that completely". I was stunned and I briefly didn't know what to reply to this... In a few reply messages I explained to him why it means so much to me to be able to have this conversation and explain to him why I feel the way I do and why I cannot be happy with myself while living as a man. His reply: "I'm not interested in having a conversation with you when you already made up your mind about it". Again, I was just stunned. Suddenly it hit me: he didn't have any interest to talk about me. He only cares for himself, as evident by the fact that he thinks this is something he deserves to reason or negotiate with me. I also wrote to him that me being transgender is NOT a question, but an announcement. This went ignored.

After even more replies in which I told him that this was NOT about him for once, he replied, saying "I hope you get a good psychologist that will talk you out of your extreme ideas". At that point, I told him to drop dead. I proceeded to tell him the truth about him, and that I think he's always been a rude, and arrogant excuse of a brother and that I've only ever contacted him on mom's request. I haven't lied a single word.

I really do not know what to feel any more. I feel like my family has betrayed me, and turned against me for trying to be something else than their shallow projection that they have always cast upon me. I also feel jealous, because I see a lot of people who DO have supporting parents and family, who would never treat they child / siblings like this even if they came out as transgender. I don't think I've ever known such a situation during all of my almost thirty years I've been alive. I don't think I've ever known a loving family relationship. I talk to people who say they've regularly played games and video-games together with their parents and brothers... My family would never even THINK about doing something like that, as they would be more preoccupied with important things. Anything that doesn't involve me. To them, I'm just a weirdo with mental problems who doesn't deserve any attention.

I really, really, really, REALLY wish I was born as an only child. That would have at least made my life more eventful. I just feel like a huge prick because whenever people bring up how much they love their brother(s) in conversations, I cannot say the same thing, and by GOD I wish I could... The truth is that if my brother really would drop dead any second, I honestly wouldn't care. I just wouldn't care. I wouldn't care because he's like a stranger to me. Except he's not a stranger, he's an arrogant douche that just happens to be tied to me because of my stupid bloodline.

One other interesting thing happened though... My dad actually messaged me, asking me to talk to him. Just to clarify, I asked him what he wants to talk about. He told me he will call me next week. If it turns out that he doesn't want to talk about me, I'm not going to have a conversation with him of any kind. If he can't be bothered to listen to his child about something that means so very much to me, he's not deserving to be in contact with me. For my own sanity and (already bad) self-esteem, I have to do so. I just can't take the negativity and transphobia anymore, and I certainly can't trust my family anymore. That much I have come to learn over the past week. It actually saddens me very much to see it go down the drain like this... My depression has reached an all-time new low now.

This is quite a thread Galyo.  You have poured your heart out and it is sadly too familiar to hear of unsupportive family members and people who demonstrate their ignorance with arrogance.  My fears kept me in one closet or another most of my long life.  Perhaps that is why I was determined not to let anyone stop me once I worked to find self acceptance as a transgender person.  I came out back in the 80s as queer and bisexual because it was true and obviously how i behaved.  What people cannot see is our true gender identity.  Wearing a skirt or pants does not tell us anything anymore, it is our right to make it a personal declaration of independence!

A new and better life awaits us.  One that can be unencumbered by silly prejudice or hurtful ideology.  Please keep moving forward.  Consider that we have the opportunity to create an intentional family of dear friends.  Your family of origin may be lucky enough to catch up some day.

Quote from: Tessa James on February 03, 2016, 07:42:03 PM
This is quite a thread Galyo.  You have poured your heart out and it is sadly too familiar to hear of unsupportive family members and people who demonstrate their ignorance with arrogance.  My fears kept me in one closet or another most of my long life.  Perhaps that is why I was determined not to let anyone stop me once I worked to find self acceptance as a transgender person.  I came out back in the 80s as queer and bisexual because it was true and obviously how i behaved.  What people cannot see is our true gender identity.  Wearing a skirt or pants does not tell us anything anymore, it is our right to make it a personal declaration of independence!

A new and better life awaits us.  One that can be unencumbered by silly prejudice or hurtful ideology.  Please keep moving forward.  Consider that we have the opportunity to create an intentional family of dear friends.  Your family of origin may be lucky enough to catch up some day.

Thanks for your reply and your nice words.

I did ramble quite a lot, didn't I? I'm not a very social person, so venting like this is much easier for me to do. Besides that, I also don't want to burden my boyfriend too much with my issues, since he's pretty much the closest to me.

My mom also frequently told me that my coming out was a complete surprise to her and the rest of the family. When I replied that most people close to me didn't think it was that much of a surprise, she acted as if this was all my fault. Never once did she try to be reasonable and accept that I'm not the antagonist in this situation. Just for once in my life I would have really appreciated if she could open her eyes, look at herself and her family, and accept the fact that they were never there for me and never shared any personal connection with me to be able to share these sort of feelings. Now I feel like it's too late, but I'm trying to stay hopeful and keep in mind that people change, and hope that the future will make things easier to accept for them.

Thanks a lot for reading.