Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My 14 year old daughter came to me tonight, laid her head on my shoulder and asked me: "How much do you love me mom?" To which I replied, "More than life itself..." Then she handed me this note:
Mom,
I put this off for way too long. I havent had the nerve to do this, so I am deciding to write it. I really am transgender. I have felt this for so long, but, I am a boy. I didnt want to be a disappointment and risk you not supporting me. I have been a boy for almost my whole life and I have known it as well. I. AM. NOT. A. GIRL. You may say I am too young or confused but I am not. I am a boy. Stuck n a girls body, I know it. I dont care if we talk to Rachel (her therapist) or anything, but I just want you to know. I'm not ready to tell Dad yet. I dont want you telling anybody yet. I hope you support me, and still love me for who I am.  I love you. I want to be your son. I know it sounds crazy, and I am sorry about being the only daughter but I am a boy.

I cant say this surprised me because we have discussed it before. A little bit of background info here. She is 14 years old and last year she tried to kill herself. Three times (all on the same occassion but the scarf kept slipping off of the door knob and she had to try it over and over and still, thankfully, did not succeed.) She called a crisis line who in turn got her to get me to call them and when I did, they informed me that there she was, trying to hang herself right in the next damn room to me and I had no freaking idea what was going on. It damn near killed her father and I. We later found out that her thyroid was out of whack so bad it wasnt funny and that was primarily blamed for the depression. Her level was supposed to be 26 and hers was 413. I think that was the T4 if I'm not mistaken. Ok, fast forward to a year later, that is when she told us she THOUGHT she was transgender.
I am a pretty decent mom, I didnt freak out, I didnt say anything I would regret later. I just hugged her and told her we would work it out together. We later discussed it with her therapist that she has been seeing since the suicide attempt and she agreed maybe she wasnt transgender after all. She had the biggest crush on her music teacher, who was a male, and I just didnt understand that... if she was really transgender and had a crush like that on a male, wouldnt that make her a gay transgender which in reality would make her a girl which is what she was now???? Yeah, if that sounds confusing, step into my head for a while LOL Nothing to laugh at I know, but I have to laugh to keep from crying. You see, God blessed me with 4 children. 3 are boys and the one daughter who is the youngest. Here's the irony, my youngest son is bi-sexual and now my youngest, my only girl is telling me she is transgender. If thats Gods sense of humor, I am not finding it funny. By asking me not to tell anyone is limiting me from discussing it with her dad or any of the family and kind of leaving me to deal with it on my own :(
Anyhow, I guess my post goes out to anyone who can help me handle this in the right way. I of course will support her in any decision but what makes a person decide this? Was it the Bruce Jenner thing that started it? We are not a wealthy family so how would she have a sex change if thats the route she decides to take? How does she know for sure she IS transgender? Please help me to help her... I will love her regardless of her orientation like I said before. Just need a little help for myself to understand ->-bleeped-<- I guess... is that even a word? Whew... Its been quite a night lol Thanks for anyones advice, comments or help.

Quote from: ravensgirl62 on November 09, 2015, 12:19:09 AM
She had the biggest crush on her music teacher, who was a male, and I just didnt understand that... if she was really transgender and had a crush like that on a male, wouldnt that make her a gay transgender which in reality would make her a girl which is what she was now????

First separate gender and sexuality. He may very well be gay but that has nothing to do with gender. Remember not all girls like boys and not all boys like girls so you can't really base anything of who he likes :D

Quote from: ravensgirl62 on November 09, 2015, 12:19:09 AM
Anyhow, I guess my post goes out to anyone who can help me handle this in the right way. I of course will support her in any decision but what makes a person decide this? Was it the Bruce Jenner thing that started it?

He didn't decide this. It's is who he is. Trust me no one wants to be trans the only decision he made was to let you know. The single biggest thing you can do to help is believe him. The next is follow his lead, if he doesn't want to tell anyone else right now then don't. Try to imagine how hard it was for him to tell you now imagine betraying that trust.

Quote from: ravensgirl62 on November 09, 2015, 12:19:09 AM
We are not a wealthy family so how would she have a sex change if thats the route she decides to take? How does she know for sure she IS transgender? Please help me to help her... I will love her regardless of her orientation like I said before. Just need a little help for myself to understand ->-bleeped-<- I guess... is that even a word? Whew... Its been quite a night lol Thanks for anyones advice, comments or help.

How do you know you are a woman? The surest sign that he is trans is that he said he was. Chances are he's been dealing with these feeling for a long time. This isn't something anyone says lightly.

This next bit depends on where you live :P I'm un-familiar with the American health system. In my country (New Zealand) you see a therapist then they recommend you to a Endocrinologist (hormone doctor) who handles it from there.

If he's only 14 surgery will be quite a while off and isn't really a concern. For now hormones are the priority. Find a therapist with a history of dealing with trans issues (or stick with the current one if that's what he wants).

And finally the fact that you are here asking for help and being willing to learn means you are already doing great! You've already been super supportive by the sounds of it and that is amazing! Not going to lie it's not going to be easy for you or him. Remember it's a long road, no need to rush. Be there for him (Not that I need to tell you that :D) and once again have faith in him.

If you want to know more feel free to ask anything more specific or look around the site more! Many people here have posted their experiences and thoughts and you'd be hard pressed to find a better way to understand.

Really hope this helps! Someone with more experience in the matter will no doubt be along to do a better job :D

Hey Ravensgirl

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It is wonderful that your child has put their trust in you to communicate how they really feel. It is a very difficult place to be in, I have no doubt, parents often place a lot of significance in the assigned sex of their child and it can be devastating for any number of reasons to hear they identify otherwise. I cannot give you an answer to your concerns based on personal experience - I have no children - all I can suggest to you is does the assigned sex of your child matter more to you, or can you allow them to express the gender they identify as? I can appreciate that with a number of sons you may feel a different connection/camaraderie with your "only daughter" but hopefully there is a way you can support them to discover and express themselves as they need to, not as you might need them to. I would suggest a gender therapist might be a good starting point for you and your child, talking about this and discovering a way forward.

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Cheers

Grace

Dear Ravensgirl,

My heart goes out to you and your new son.

Being transgender is not easy and not a fad. And no it hasn't been driven or created by Caitlyn Jenner.

55 years ago I knew I was a girl, 55 years ago no one knew how to help me. So I suffered, lost my parents and walked my path.

I now do some work as a counsellor. I recently did a session with a family with a child who identified as male, after coming out as lesbian (it's more acceptable?). Three boys, three girls, expect one of the girls wasn't.

I came to the point about self harm and suicidal ideation, I told them that I had tried to suicide twice and I decided to seek help because the third time would be guaranteed.

The young person just looked up and said; 'Mummy, Daddy, I've only tried once, does mean I keep trying?'

His Mum bust into tears, his Dad (a big burly fellow) just said: 'No son of mine will suicide'.

No one, just no one: would ever choose to be transgender. We are: Your new son may be. Please love them and give them the help and support they need.

Visiting an adult transman and his family is a lot more fun than placing flowers on the grave of a dead child.

There is help, there is understanding. The world is changing in acceptance.

So, the largest medical centre endocrinology unit will know what to do (or should).

And we can help.

With Love

Cindy

I've dealt with this for 60 years. I wish I could of told someone , but I was so afraid of ridicule. I also had a severe problem with shyness and really couldn't talk. I think it's so beautiful he trusted you and could write down what he needed to say. I wish I could of down that. I would of saved myself so much pain if I would of been able to get help. Your very lucky he opened up to you.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Living Transmen Since 2007
Recently: Only 1 Month and 11 days on T
Transgender Day Of Remembrance: November 20th, 2015

  Like Cindy, around 55 years ago but here in the US. Like another thread I answered tonight, I did not admit it then due to one could be institutionalized as a gay if they insisted on it. My mom did catch me in one of her dresses though. She did put me in a dress for Halloween once. She thought it was a phase. Later on in the mid-1960's, Christine Jorgenson came into town and was interviewed by our local TV talk show host. As she was interviewed, my mom told us that she was no "fruit".
  I came out as transsexual to my mom in 1977, 2 years after serving in the US Navy. I did see a psychologist then but I did not go through with transitioning due to the difficulties that Renee Richards was having. My mom may have died with a guilt that she somehow was responsible for her oldest son's TG problem. It came out that DES sons and daughters had a higher chance of having fertility problems and cancers associated with that. Homosexual or TG tendencies were not mentioned in that study. The one study in the mid-1980's got the press.
  My mom would talk about abortion and other hot button issues then, but she clammed-up about possibly taking DES to prevent miscarrying me. She nor the older relatives never told us about the daughter she gave up for adoption, even after my mom died of cancer. The long-lost sister found us through my grandmother a few years after my mom died. My sister had a note she found in her adoptive mom's drawer from mom asking her back from her adoptive parents. She didn't know that she was adopted. Losing a child for any reason and my mom's history of anemia is a cause that she may have been prescribed DES while pregnant with me.
  ravensgirl62, do not blame yourself! I do not blame my mom. in 1952, what the doctor said and prescribed was gospel. Patients not following the doctors suggestions may have these things forced upon them.
  I had to wait until I was 58 to get treatment. Get help for your child now. There are doctors and counselors that can help your child now.

Joelene

Hi Ravensgirl,


I don't have much to add, as I feel the prior posters gave a consummate response, but I will say that if I was in your child's position now, what I would want most is a lot assurance that you still love me exactly as you did before.

If I were you, I would do some kind of activity alone with my child, and acknowledge that I read the note, and then say the last thing you told us, that your love in not dependent upon their gender. Then I would continue to be as open minded and attentive as you are now.

Hi there, can I just say you are already doing an amazing job of handling it! I wish my parents were the same; I've seen them 4 times in the last 5 years and I'm married now with a little boy and home of my own etc. I was talking to my wife when we were away getting married as we did so on our own, and I was saying I should really try and get in touch with them to make amends.

First, as has been said; sexual orientation and gender are separate entities. I'm a woman, but I'm married to a woman. It happens. I've never been attracted to men and don't want a male partner. You can be gay and trans, in fact, it's not uncommon.

I'm one of 2 children; I have a brother but my parents don't see it that way; they see themselves as having 1 son, even though they do have a daughter (me) but they don't see it that way. God gave you 4 children and you still have 4; your youngest is still with you by his grace as he has found a solution to his problem and allowed him to find his true self. You may feel you have to deal with it on your own, but it's not quite the case, there's a wealth of info out here. Hopefully soon you can talk to your son and be able to share the news.

I knew I was different when I was 4; I worked out what trans people were when I was 13 and I came out at 16 when I left home. I'm 21 now and I haven't looked back.

Best of luck to you, your son and your family xx

Hi Ravensgirl,

You are handling this well already with your child.  Just continuing to love him without imposing a lot of preconceived notions goes a long way.

My parents just told me I was crazy and threatened to send me to a mental institution.  But that was a long time ago and there is more information available now.  Oh, and my parents doing that didn't make it go away.  It just made me very good at hiding it and leaves me to deal with it now when life is a whole lot more complicated.  It also leaves me with a great deal of resentment towards them that I haven't yet been able to leave behind.

Nobody chooses this.  There are threads here where people say they wouldn't wish it on their worst enemies.  Most have spent their entire lives fighting it or praying to God every night to fix it.  But none of that works   Fighting it just leads to major stress building up and God remains silent.

The cause isn't definitively proven but there is really strong evidence that it's due to hormonal influences in the womb that cause the brain to develop along either a male or female pattern.  Once a person is born these patterns are set and medical science has not found any way to change them.  There are dozens of peer reviewed studies that have been done on this and that are available on the Internet. 

Psychology has also not found a way to  make it disappear.  That really isn't surprising because if the brain structure develops along a different path than the sex then there is really nothing wrong with their mind at all, other than it doesn't match the body. 

Right now the best you can do is have your child see a counsellor and figure out if this is really the problem and how they need to deal with it.  One experienced with this would be best but you may judge that the one you have already is working.

There is also not a single set path that a person has to follow.  But only your child, working with a therapist can figure out what they need to do to resolve the conflict and live a happy life.



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Hey Ravensgirl!! :)

The girls here have already provided a lot of very valuable insight. But here's my take as a Male-to-Female transgender woman:

The earliest memory that I have of me feeling different was of around age 4 ish. I am 32 now, so it has nothing to do with the Cait Jenner programme. I felt I was a woman before the term transgender existed lol

Sexuality and gender are two separate things. I udnerstand that because we are part of the LGBTIQ community sometimes it's confusing to some people and it seems like we are all related to each other. We are not. There are trans who like people of the oposite gender, and trans who like people of their same gender.

Genital dysphoria is also a different thing. Maybe your boy is perfectly fine with his genitals and doesn't want any kind of surgical intervention. That is perfectly fine.

In my case, I am a trans woman married to a cisgender woman. I met her 10yrs ago when I was identifying myself as male (despite my internal confusion) and we remained married after I began my transition cos I don't see myself loving or living with anybody else but my wife.

If I were you I wouldn't worry about medical tratments yet, whether is it hormones or surgical interventions. Some people live all their life without them just fine. Just make sure your boy is comfortable and loved for who he truly is. That's probably all he needs at this moment.

And if your boy changes his mind later in life, that is absolutely fine too. I'd like to refer to gender as some kind of spectrum. Sometimes i am more on the girly end, others in the boy end, lately i've been consistently on the girly end, but I don't entirely reject some of my boy things, such as action films and 'boyish' things and hobbies. Either that or I'm such a tomboy hahaha. Anyway, Wish you all the best and all the blessings for you and your family. x

Clara. 

PS:

Quote from: Deborah on November 09, 2015, 07:54:54 AM
The cause isn't definitively proven but there is really strong evidence that it's due to hormonal influences in the womb that cause the brain to develop along either a male or female pattern.  Once a person is born these patterns are set and medical science has not found any way to change them.  There are dozens of peer reviewed studies that have been done on this and that are available on the Internet. 

Psychology has also not found a way to  make it disappear.  That really isn't surprising because if the brain structure develops along a different path than the sex then there is really nothing wrong with their mind at all, other than it doesn't match the body. 

This is perfect. So spot on.

Also, if it does turn out to be a phase (which seems unlikely from what I've seen so far) or he ends up identifying as non-binary, it's important that he knows they you believed him when he said he was trans - it'll make finding the truth easier if he's not expecting to be accused of lying or an I-told-you-so when it comes.

It's great that you're here because educating yourself is absolutely the most useful thing you can do, especially as your child isn't necessarily old enough to face all the reading alone (if you come across anything that seems like scaremongering, cross reference it or bring it here to double check). It helps to put away a lot of worries early on if you have the facts.

Ravinsgirl,

I went through hell and back with my family. It was so difficult for me that I too tried suicide. I am here today to say I'm happy I did not succeed on either occasion. I had to sort all of this out on my own. That was 30 years ago. I thought I was the only one in the world.

This is no fad. Every few years a celebrity appears or captures the headlines. We've been around a very long time.

I could spout all the things that previous posters have already mentioned. Many things do apply to me. I married, had kids, got divorced (far more painful than anyone suspects), pursued my transition while the children were still very young. I've come to terms with my family since then. While they proactively shoved me aside, I remained loving and caring with them. As far as sexuality is concerned, I still haven't figured that one out. I think I may be asexual. It matters little to me at this point in life.

One thing that has not been talked about is your child's future life. I shall address your child as he/him/his/son since that is his self identified gender at this point. No one wants to face this much less go through all the steps to take effective action. It is difficult. The public is not on board in our society. And sometimes, it is all so overwhelming. I can tell you that your son can have a good life. I know several good men who have transitioned into wonderful and successful human beings. If not distracted by the dysphoria, your son may pursue a college education or advanced training. He can secure a good job. He can marry. None of these things are prevented by treatment. They all are hindered by not addressing it.

We have in our ranks here many successful professionals. We have many who have adoring families and spouses. These are all open to a happy well developed person with a healthy sense of self.

I am glad that you are posting here. Reaching out is a good way to gain insight to what you are facing. Your supportive position is already a boon to your son's future. We can help provide support, in some small fashion. While no one would ever want this, everyone wants a mother like you.

My best to you and your son,
Cindi

I saw my own mother in your original post. If you have any questions for transmasculine (FtM) people, feel free to ask.

One other thing.  You asked, "what makes a person decide this?"

The answer may not really be satisfying but it's not something you decide.  Rather, it's something you know.  It's our metaphysical reality of who we are, our core identity well beyond who we want to date or what hobbies and interests we have.

You asked if all the media attention could be the cause.  It might be that it was a catalyst for your child speaking to you.  But he said his feelings predated all that media.

If he is transgender that's not surprising at all.  Lots of us here grew up a long time ago and knew our identity intrinsically in a time when there was zero media and no information available.  We may not have used the same words since no common vocabulary existed but the fundamental knowledge of self was there.


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Hi Ravensgirl.

First, Transgender is not a choice or a lifestyle.  It is not something that a child picks up from watching television and sees some advantage to it and says, "You know what, I'd like to try that because it looks better than the life I am living now."  That just does not happen.  If Caitlyn Jenner did anything, she made it possible for some of us to stop slowly killing ourselves by hiding who we are from the rest of society.

I know this only too well.  I am male to female transgender.  I spent 47 years (since I was 5) trying to be the man my father wanted me to be, and it darn near killed me.  For the past ten years I suffered panic attacks, anxiety attacks, TMJ, GERD, early onset arthritis, and high blood pressure, and was physically dependent on beta blockers, and taking tranquilizers.  I tried everything I could think of to deal with it, including sports, hobbies, marriage, children, family, yoga, meditation, tai chi, religion, denial, and alcohol.

I remember asking myself an existential question at one point:  "Transition is probably going to cost about $100,000 at your age.  Why not just buy a nice used Aston Martin or Ferrari?  Which one would you like to use the money for?"  I ended up going shopping for skinny jeans and makeup.

When I finally put aside the shame and guilt and started expressing my femininity, my blood pressure went back down to normal and I stopped needing the meds.

At the same time, I love my wife.  So I guess that makes me a lesbian.  When I was younger, the confusion of gender with sexuality was part of the denial.  "I'm not attracted to men.  I'm not a gay man.  How could I want to be a woman?  How could I be transgender?"  Then at some point I learned that being lesbian and transgender was a "thing."

If you want to bring God into the mix, then consider this:  Jesus Christ Himself never condemned homosexuality, even when asked what the sins were.  He also said the rules of the Old Testament (specifically Leviticus) were the rules of men, and that they no longer applied, and it is what is in a person's heart that mattered. And as far as the later writings of the Apostle Paul, we have a lot of reasons to believe that the condemnations against homosexuality were added by others after his death, and/or deliberately mistranslated from the original Ancient Greek.

I don't think this is God having a sense of humor.  I think this is God saying "When I said 'Be fruitful and multiply' I didn't mean keep doing it until you overrun and destroy the rest of Creation."  A lot of animals tend to have homosexual pairings when populations get too dense.  It is a natural form of population control, and a far better one than disease, starvation or cannibalism.  God created those animals, and they are not sinners.  They are just animals doing what they were designed to do.  Do not listen to manipulative "Christians."  If you believe in intelligent design of animals, then you have to look at animal research and believe that homosexuality is part of the design as well.

God created you, and your children.  And he loves you and them.

Peace, Carly

Dear Ravensgirl;

From what I read, (can't seem to see your original post here) you handled the situation extremely well. You didn't scream, yell or do anything except offer unconditional love and right now, that's exactly what is needed here.

There are other posts with a lot of information so no point in re-inventing the wheel and repeating everything what they have said but I will say some things, hope you'll bear with me.

When I was a lot younger, I didn't hear or know about transgender people. It was all about gay people coming out and vying for acceptance. I will admit I didn't know diddly about being gay and I felt it was a choice that they made. I learned a lot later that it isn't a choice. Same with being trans. I didn't make the choice to be the way I am no more than I could choose my skin colour. I did choose to accept myself so I could live my life. It hasn't been easy but I feel much better than I did before.

Some people claim I am brave for transitioning. I don't feel brave at all. It has cost me a lot in friends, retirement money, my job (retired early) and my future with a wonderful woman and if there was any other way for me I would have taken it but there wasn't.

Your child has confided in you. That's wonderful. They have placed a great burden on your shoulders but don't panic, the road ahead is a long one and there is no "you have to follow this path" rules. Be their ally. Let them know you are in this together and they can come to you for solace and compassion as well as understanding. I am sure they are just as frightened as you are.

Becoming trans is not something you can just pick up like a cold and certainly not from others. While the media has hyped up transitioning because of Caitlyn Jenner's announcement, in a way that is good. That means more information is becoming available. Information is knowledge and knowledge dispels fears because we tend to fear something that we do not understand or know and through ignorance and fear, we often destroy it.

I want to talk about you though for a moment. I want you to understand that you have done nothing wrong here. Your child is who they are because they too are a unique individual. Do not lose sleep wondering what you did to them that changed them. This was already in the cards. Some people realize who they are sooner than others. I managed to keep everything bottled up until in my late 50's and it became like the story of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde except I was male and female instead of good and evil. Maybe that's how your child feels? 2 individuals inside one body?

If I was you, I'd talk with them. Let them know you will be there for them and let them know how you feel too. Talking helps so much. Let them know your feelings and don't cut the lines of communication. When they are ready to let the rest of the family know, let them know you'll be there for them and maybe you can tell the family if they are uncertain?

Also, there are people out there who just because they claim to be very religious they know better than you. (That is if you are religious. I don't mean a Bible thumping type, just a regular believer.) Well, that's a lot of hog wash. Those people don't know anything more about "God's plan" than the next person does. Some of them speak like they and the Almighty were playing golf last week!

I was once told by someone religious that I was a deviant because I was made a man not a woman and "God doesn't make mistakes". (Don't know where they got that statement from but I've heard it from others) I told them I wasn't a deviant and God made me this way for a reason and they had no right to speak on His behalf. Maybe I was made this way to help educate others like them? It didn't end well as you can well imagine.

Anyway, I've said too much so I'll close off.

I wish you much luck and happiness and understanding. Hug your child and tell them you love them unconditionally because no matter what, they will always be your child no matter how old they become.

Love,
Clare

Quote from: ravensgirl62 on November 09, 2015, 12:19:09 AM
Anyhow, I guess my post goes out to anyone who can help me handle this in the right way. I of course will support her in any decision but what makes a person decide this? Was it the Bruce Jenner thing that started it? We are not a wealthy family so how would she have a sex change if thats the route she decides to take? How does she know for sure she IS transgender? Please help me to help her... I will love her regardless of her orientation like I said before. Just need a little help for myself to understand ->-bleeped-<- I guess... is that even a word? Whew... Its been quite a night lol Thanks for anyones advice, comments or help.

Again, like others have said, there is no decision, he did not decide this.  It simply is.  You mentioned Caitlyn Jenner and yes, sometimes there is a "trigger" to bring it forward but sometimes not.  I knew when I was four something was very wrong.  Around that age I learned to say my prayers at night and the one silent prayer I said every night was for God to fix me.  I said that prayer for years even when I was old enough to know it wasn't going to happen.  And a lot of mornings I cried when I woke up still a boy. 

As far as sexuality, having a crush on the music teacher really doesn't mean anything in regard to gender.  As a teen, I had a crush on the boy next door and the girl across the street. 

Your child is lucky to be able to confide in you.  I never could.  My father was career military and one wrong word would have wound up with me in a military school which probably would have resulted in suicide.  So love and support no matter what along with knowledge is the key.  Learn as much as you can, there's a lot of information out there.

ravensgirl62-

Much of what I wanted to say has already been covered but I will reiterate to be there for your son in every way. He has taken a tremendous leap of faith in telling you this and he really, really needs you to be there for him and accept him unconditionally.

I only figured out what was going on with me when I was in my 40's. My elderly parents quoted scripture at me before disowning me. Even at 52 it hurt bad - we always need our parents and mine turned their back on me. I can only imagine that it must be devastating to have that happen at a young age.

As others have said - there was no choice - we had this condition since birth, most likely caused by the wrong hormone levels in the womb. There is nothing and no one to be blamed.

I hope that he will start visiting a qualified gender therapist - a therapist can help him make sense of his new life. Maybe you could visit the therapist some too to learn more about what is going on.

He will need your strength to be his authentic self in this world - the world is not always kind to us.

By reaching out here you have proven where your heart lies :)  You are among friends here.

Hey Ravensgirl,

First I would like to tell you that you have handled it great so far. You sound like a really loving and supporting mom. Just like someone else said gender and sexuality are so different. I'm a trans girl and attracted to males however there are plenty of other transgender woman that are lesbians as well. Masculinity and femininity aren't determined by what you are attracted to. There are many masculine gay men! The cause of your child's depression is clearly from this gender identity situation. Even the smallest signs can be taken for granted, and not taken into consideration regarding someone's gender identity. If your child has shown this much signs I'm sure your child is trans. For me, I actually hid everything I could from my family to know I was trans the first part of my life, so when I came out no one believed me or took my words seriously. I feel like people need to realize that no one will just throw around the word transgender is they didn't truly mean it. You just have to trust your child and know that everything you are told is the truth. The sooner you nip it in the butt the easier it will be to handle. Some of my family tried avoiding my transition and it just made it hard for everyone which was unnecessary. I hope it all works out and hope I helped you somewhat. Remember there is no perfect way to handle it but just try the best you can it seems you are doing fine so far :) 

Wow, first of all, I really want to thank each and every one of you that replied to my post. The outpouring of love on this site is overwhelming. You really make someone feel like family here and for that, I thank you. I have learned so much just reading through each and every ones story. My heart aches for all of you whose family turned their backs on you and for the one who said, God doesnt make mistakes, they are right. He made each and every one of you exactly as you should be. Including my son. I guess I need to get used to calling him that. It will be very hard for a while but when it gets hard or frustrating or I just want my daughter back, I will remember the sentence Cindy wrote at the very beginning of this post. She wrote "Visiting an adult transman and his family is a lot more fun than placing flowers on the grave of a dead child." and thank you for that Cindy because you are 100% right. I couldnt live with myself if I ever even had a tiny thought that I contributed to my child's suicide.

Each of you has said something for me to take away with me...
"Important things to remember from people on Susan's Place

-Talk to and endocrinologist and a gender therapist
Cindy said- Visiting an adult transman and his family is a lot more fun than placing flowers on the grave of a dead child.
Tatsuo said- I want to let you know ... the fact that she told you... means she has a lot of trust in you. A handful whom inform their parents of them being LGBT are kicked out of the house and treated as if they are sub-human and this is so wrong
Sasha-Grace said- First, as has been said; sexual orientation and gender are separate entities.
Debora said- My parents just told me I was crazy and threatened to send me to a mental institution.  But that was a long time ago and there is more information available now.  Oh, and my parents doing that didn't make it go away.  It just made me very good at hiding it and leaves me to deal with it now when life is a whole lot more complicated.
The cause isn't definitively proven but there is really strong evidence that it's due to hormonal influences in the womb that cause the brain to develop along either a male or female pattern.  Once a person is born these patterns are set and medical science has not found any way to change them.  There are dozens of peer reviewed studies that have been done on this and that are available on the Internet.
If he is transgender that's not surprising at all.  Lots of us here grew up a long time ago and knew our identity intrinsically in a time when there was zero media and no information available.  We may not have used the same words since no common vocabulary existed but the fundamental knowledge of self was there.
Clarabrown said- Genital dysphoria is also a different thing. Maybe your boy is perfectly fine with his genitals and doesn't want any kind of surgical intervention. That is perfectly fine.
If I were you I wouldn't worry about medical tratments yet, whether is it hormones or surgical interventions. Some people live all their life without them just fine. Just make sure your boy is comfortable and loved for who he truly is. That's probably all he needs at this moment.
Quote from: Deborah on Today at 07:54:54 am
The cause isn't definitively proven but there is really strong evidence that it's due to hormonal influences in the womb that cause the brain to develop along either a male or female pattern.  Once a person is born these patterns are set and medical science has not found any way to change them.  There are dozens of peer reviewed studies that have been done on this and that are available on the Internet. 

Psychology has also not found a way to  make it disappear.  That really isn't surprising because if the brain structure develops along a different path than the sex then there is really nothing wrong with their mind at all, other than it doesn't match the body. 

This is perfect. So spot on.
Peep says- It's great that you're here because educating yourself is absolutely the most useful thing you can do, especially as your child isn't necessarily old enough to face all the reading alone (if you come across anything that seems like scaremongering, cross reference it or bring it here to double check). It helps to put away a lot of worries early on if you have the facts.
CindyJones says: One thing that has not been talked about is your child's future life. I shall address your child as he/him/his/son since that is his self identified gender at this point. No one wants to face this much less go through all the steps to take effective action. It is difficult. The public is not on board in our society. And sometimes, it is all so overwhelming. I can tell you that your son can have a good life. I know several good men who have transitioned into wonderful and successful human beings. If not distracted by the dysphoria, your son may pursue a college education or advanced training. He can secure a good job. He can marry. None of these things are prevented by treatment. They all are hindered by not addressing it
I am glad that you are posting here. Reaching out is a good way to gain insight to what you are facing. Your supportive position is already a boon to your son's future. We can help provide support, in some small fashion. While no one would ever want this, everyone wants a mother like you.
Cameron aka Captains says: I saw my own mother in your original post. If you have any questions for transmasculine (FtM) people, feel free to ask.
CarlyMCX says: If you want to bring God into the mix, then consider this:  Jesus Christ Himself never condemned homosexuality, even when asked what the sins were.  He also said the rules of the Old Testament (specifically Leviticus) were the rules of men, and that they no longer applied, and it is what is in a person's heart that mattered. And as far as the later writings of the Apostle Paul, we have a lot of reasons to believe that the condemnations against homosexuality were added by others after his death, and/or deliberately mistranslated from the original Ancient Greek.

I don't think this is God having a sense of humor.  I think this is God saying "When I said 'Be fruitful and multiply' I didn't mean keep doing it until you overrun and destroy the rest of Creation."  A lot of animals tend to have homosexual pairings when populations get too dense.  It is a natural form of population control, and a far better one than disease, starvation or cannibalism.  God created those animals, and they are not sinners.  They are just animals doing what they were designed to do.  Do not listen to manipulative "Christians."  If you believe in intelligent design of animals, then you have to look at animal research and believe that homosexuality is part of the design as well.

God created you, and your children.  And he loves you and them.
TG Clare says: I will admit I didn't know diddly about being gay and I felt it was a choice that they made. I learned a lot later that it isn't a choice. Same with being trans. I didn't make the choice to be the way I am no more than I could choose my skin colour. I did choose to accept myself so I could live my life. It hasn't been easy but I feel much better than I did before
*Let them know you are in this together and they can come to you for solace and compassion as well as understanding. I am sure they are just as frightened as you are."

This IS a learning process, and like someone said, knowledge is power. I will voice a fear that gnaws inside of me like a rat... the fact that the public is so afraid and so unwilling to accept people who have any kind of difference. I hear of transgender or other ethnicities being killed for the way they are. A lot of people are not kind and could care less about the "whys". If you dont conform to their way of thinking, YOU are wrong not them and they let you know it. I am scared for my child. Scared to death. I am much more accepting than her father.. his father.. but he will watch what my reaction is and will follow suit. He always has lol so if I dont make a big deal out of it, he wont. I know my child will be glad for that. I let him know tonight that I felt alone in not being able to talk to anyone about it and he told me that if I felt I wanted to tell his dad to go ahead. I think I will just ponder that for a day or so and be sure its the right time.
I cant thank you enough for suggesting a gender therapist as I had no clue one even existed. My child already sees an endocrinologist for her thyroid issues... I would never have guessed that they could help in this situation. What does an endocrinologist do for that exactly? The way I see it, the more people who can provide my son... boy that is going to be so hard to get used to saying that.. with a positive experience as he finds his way through this, the better.
Do you all think I should show him this site? If you all have helped me so much, maybe he could find the advice here as helpful as I have. Again, I cant thank you all enough for your kind words of encouragement and advice. Its so comforting just knowing there is somewhere I can go where people wont ridicule me or scoff at what my child is going through right now.

Should you show him this site?  I would say yes.  There is first of all, a youth board here and he will be able to talk with people his own age.  That's important.  So many of us here grew up before the internet knowing nothing about transgender and thinking we were alone, the only person in the world like this.

Hi Ravensgirl,

I have a heavily moderated Youth area for young people to interact, as Beverly just mentioned, he is very welcome to join and meet new friends.

As for 'what next'.

He needs to talk to a paediatric gender therapist/psychiatrist and the endocrinologist. The usual process with a young person is to get them onto puberty blockers to stop the damage puberty does to us. With a supportive family/parent that should not be a problem. It is unlikely he would be put on HRT until he is 18.

BTW, as you may have noticed, we are a family, we try to help each other. You my friend are part of this family and we will offer all the support we can both to you and your child.

Love

Cindy

I want to recommend a resource you can read for very in depth transgender health care information including information specific to adolescents.  It is the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards of care.  You can buy the book or download a PDF copy here, http://www.wpath.org/site_page.cfm?pk_association_webpage_menu=1351&pk_association_webpage=3926

You can also get it for free as an app if you have an iPhone.

It is primarily a document for health professionals but will probably thoroughly answer a lot of questions. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ravensgirl, I don't think it's been mentioned but something you might ask is his preferred name if he hasn't offered it.  If you had a name picked out for a boy, you might mention that as I've known some parents who asked permission to rename their child.  While my parents had nothing to do with my choosing it, Beverly would have been my given name at birth if I had been born the correct gender.

Dear Ravensgirl;

Yes, I would speak to your child about the site here. I wish I had access to this when I was a youngster. It might have opened Pandora's Box a lot sooner for me.

Hang in there. There's lots of people to try to help both of you and you are not the first person who has had this happen to them.

It's a long road as has been said and you have taken the first steps and they are good ones. Support and education. Both will help the situation a great deal.

Best wishes to both of you.

Love,
Clare

Thats funny you should mention the name. She was named Krysten at birth, and she said the other day she wants to be called Krys. It would make things easier for her to stick with something close to her given name I suppose. I asked if she had told any of her friends and she told me that yes, she had told two of her closest friends but omg that terrifies me. Its just the lack of social acceptance that to me can be dangerous. I have seen on the news several GLBT who have gone into a bathroom of their chosen sex and have had the crap beat out of them for it. I talked to my husband about all of this today after asking my child if it was alright and being sure she didnt mind and as I thought, he took his cues from me and is following my lead.
I do have to admit this is very hard. Its almost like your child has died and been replaced by a new person. I guess in a way I will mourn the loss of a daughter before I can celebrate the birth of a new son, if that makes any sense at all. There is still a lot for me to learn but thanks to you all, I will know where to go to find out ;) I think I will suggest my son come here and try out the youth forum. I know if it were me in the same situation, I would be anxious to talk to other people who were going through the same thing. In 1999 I found out I had a rare cyst in my brain that needed to be removed. I felt like the only one in the world who had this as it was so rare. Now there is a facebook page with lots of other people who have had the same thing or is just finding out they have the same thing as I did all of those years ago. This must be how my son is feeling as well, isolated and alone and thinking he is the only one this has happened to. Well maybe not as I am pretty sure he has found several transgender people on facebook but I am not sure facebook is the right place for him to be "finding himself"...
I will read the article you suggested and thanks for supplying that. I worked several years at Johns Hopkins Hospital so I am pretty current on the "lingo" lol Again, thanks so much to all of you for your support and advice. I would have been lost without it! <3

Hey Ravensgirl,

I'm so glad you and your son are on the same page, this makes me happy. You sound like a great mother and your son is very strong and brave for going through with it. As far as him coming out to friends that's just something that comes along with the process, some will stay some will go but that's life. By me transitioning I learned who my real friends are and I'm grateful for that. Receiving support from loved ones helps being rejected by people. However, thankfully many people are learning much more about transgender people now so many are more understanding than you would think. It's normal that you will feel some kind of loss, my mother admitted this to me but now she's happy than ever having a daughter, it's about our relationship with each other not my gender.

Hope it's all going well.

Awww, I wish my mum was like you! :-)

Good luck with everything x

Just want to add my support for your compassionate approach to raising and supporting your son.  i also thought about that crush he had on a teacher.  I often confused my desire to BE just like the women I admired with a romantic or superficial crush on them.  We can play some wickedly repressive mind games on our selves ;D  Glad that is over for me.

Quote from: ravensgirl62 on November 10, 2015, 12:39:16 PM

I do have to admit this is very hard. Its almost like your child has died and been replaced by a new person. I guess in a way I will mourn the loss of a daughter before I can celebrate the birth of a new son, if that makes any sense at all.

Yes, it makes perfect sense and you are far from the first person ever to say that even here at Susan's.  Many wives staying with their spouse as she transitions have said the same thing.  "Even though she's still here I'm mourning the loss of my husband."  Don't be surprised if you even find yourself going through some form of the Kübler-Ross stages of grief.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  You may go through some of them, all of them or none of them and possibly not in order.  Just remember all of this is for your child's happiness.

Sorry its been a while since I have been on here to update. Its been a busy few days... I was in touch with my childs pediatrician and was given some very good advice and some awesome resources around me. I love this pediatrician, she takes things the same way as I do. Did not belittle my son or say he was wrong to feel the way he does. Just said that stuff like this happens more than we could imagine and gave us the name of a good therapy group in our area called Renewal. Has anyone ever heard of this before? We are in the Baltimore area and it is a local group thank goodness.
Thank you Susan for playing Minecraft with Krys. He was totally in awe of you... going on and on about the things you knew that he didnt know after playing on there for years lol Isnt he such a great kid? So I have been doing some research on this and have read over and over and over that they believe that this could have been caused by an influx of hormones while I was pregnant. With my youngest son being bi-sexual I am really starting to think my womb has been screwed up for a number of years lol.
The best thing that has happened for both him and I is finding this site. I would be so lost without all of you. Thanks again for your support and information. Its more invaluable than you could ever know.

Great to hear that your paediatrician is on board. Lovely!!!

I wouldn't get too caught up on why we were born TG. I'm of the age group where my Mum was treated with DES to prevent miscarriage - so she could have the son she so wanted. Well that didn't work out to plan!

You may find a lot of resistance from some people and a lot of negative comments from bigots who think we are just a lifestyle choice or perverts, or worse. We are just very normal men and women who got caught up in a biological stuff up.

There is no blame on you or your son. I think, reading between the lines, that he is a pretty normal cute kid and you know that.

Most of us have suffered in one way or another for being transgender and at times it wears us down dealing with the hatred and rejection. Meeting a woman such as yourself who loves and helps her child lifts our spirits and gives hope that young people will not go through what we went through.

I and I am sure all the members would like to thank you; you give us the gift of hope.

Thank You

Cindy

It's so good you are supporting your son like you are, you go go girl!! Xx

FWIW, I've heard parents and spouses say, after the dust settles, they realize they didn't lose their son/daughter/husband/wife, the person they become after transition is the person they were all along.