Susan's Place Transgender Resources

HI,
I am a straight female.
I'm not sure how to work this forum, so hopefully I have placed my topic in the right place. I have been with a wonderful man for nearly 3 years, who gives me everything I have wanted in life. We have always talked about having a baby and a family and plans for our life. I would of suspected we would be engaged sometime next year. I knew he crossdressed into womans clothing in the bedroom and for sexual intimacy. But I have since found out he has been doing this allot when I am not home, and even changing his voice.
I had a straight out conversation with him last night and he said he didn't know if he would be a Man or a Female in the future, but he wanted to explore around home as a female first. I was fine with the sexual crossdressing as a bit of fun. I really want to be married to a man and not a woman and he says he wants to still have a family, but maybe be two mums.
I'm feeling scared, lost and confussed on what to do. I want to support him, but I dont know if he goes through if a full transition, that it is for me. feeling sad...

Hello Jaimej :)

You are definitely in the right place.  I will be as honest as I can.

First of all, don't be scared! I know it's super hard for you to process all of this all of a sudden, but don't be scared. Let things take its course naturally. Let's see the positives:

I think that it is fantastic that your partner came out to you before marriage and before kids happened, so you have the chance to decide what you want for yourself in the future. I'd say that was super noble of him.

it is perfectly normal that your partner is genuinely attracted to you and wants to have a relationship with you despite of his gender issues, because it seems like he is not struggling with his sexuality, just his gender.

What I would do is to investigate together with your partner to see if he effectively suffers gender dysphoria and it is not just crossdressing for fun. Exploring is the right thing to do I'd say. He wants to make sure he's not just confused.

Transition takes time. However, so he has to understand that you will need some time to readjust and make decisions. You only started dealing with this since the moment he came out to you. He has been dealing with it for much longer. Probably his whole life. So ask him not to rush, and to support each ohter.


If it helps, I am a trans woman, still married to my wife, a cisgender woman, just like you, whom I met ten ish years ago when I used to identify myself as male. I wanted to be honest to her about my confusion, which at the time I didn't know very sure what it was. while we are still together, we decided that we would do this very slowly so we could adjust to these changes as naturally as possible. I couldn't have done this without her support. My transition is probably taking longer than the average, if there is such thing as an average, but we are happy this way. I love her and I want her to be with me forever.

Maybe it is all too much for you to process at this point, which is perfectly understandable.

If you have any questions, ask me anything. if you'd rather ask me privately, feel free to send me a private message. 

big hugs,

Clara.

HI Carla,
your reply was touching.
I'm not handling this well at all, I"m not sure how it would be to be female-female...I always saw him as a big strong man.
Has your wife, lost her identity as a woman through this process, with you?
I feel strange thinking of the sexual side of things even with him now...still as a man.
But I also feel selfish as I'm thinking about me, whether as maybe I should be worried about him now. I feel like my best friend has changed. I"m not sure how to act with him when I go home tonight or what to do. He is very clear he does not want to be with a man, but have a lesbian to lesbian relationship...but isn't that effectively asking me to be attracted to him as a female?

Welcome to Susan's Place. This can get really complicated but around here we see about 50% of the couples remain together after something like this. I hope when you fell in love with him it was because something you saw on the inside. That has alway been there and the transition isn't going to change it. if you will be comfortable in the relationship is something you will have to decide. I suggest both of you receive some therapy - him more that you so you both know what your true feelings are and if you can make it work. At this point your friend could be a cross dresser in which case this might work out or he could be transsexual forcing you to make a pretty had decision about your future.

The only person who can tell you with the future will be is him and it's possible at the moment he doesn't know. It will only be after therapy and possibly living full time that he will know for sure.

You are handling this pretty well considering the circumstances. We have had SOs who refuse to come to the site or see a therapist. You are making the effort to salvage the relationship, a task that may take a good deal of effort.

As for me, I understood at an early age what my future would be and avoided any relationships with the opposite gender. It wasn't the healthiest thing for be to do but I did in an attempt to avoid hurting anybody else. Some knew even younger than me and some discover this late in life. We have people on the site who are dealing with this at 50 or 60 years old so be thankful this is being addressed now before you marry. After you have children it gets far harder to deal with.

Feel free to ask me any question as I will not be offended by an honest quest for knowledge. I am completely open about my past and present on this site.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Hey Jaime thanks for posting. First I'm sorry for the situation that you are in right now. From what I've read it seems that your boyfriend(not sure if it's your fiancé or husband) has to have some type of gender identity issue. I think the problem is is that everyone around the person that's dealing with it doesn't think twice or take the signs into consideration. Even the smallest clues of seeing them do things like dressing up changing voice etc can be much more than just playing around. He probably has had feelings of feeling feminine his whole life but kept them pent up. My advice is to always take every little thing into consideration so you won't be totally shocked if you find out he wants to turn full time. The best thing to do is try and get him to express his feeling the sooner the better. Unfortunately people in his situation feel held back most of the time to open up about it and they may isolate themselves and their feelings so it's best that you take the initiative and be the one to talk about these topics. I'm a trans woman 20 years old. Before transitioning I bottled upp all of my feelings of being womanly, my family saw clothes and makeup here and there but never thought anything of it and them not wanting to talk about it lead me to isolate myself from my family during the beginning of my transition. Now in my opinion I would understand if you don't want to pursue the relationship is he continues to move foward with this however it's important to be there for him no matter what.

Hope it works out hope I helped you somewhat?
Keep us updated.
Natalia

My wife married a man who is transgender,but we compromised as long as I stick too crossdressing our marriage will last,that means no hrt or gcs ,I'm fine with that for I already have natural breasts,and am fine with what I have below the belt..We will be married 27yrs next month.

HI All,
thanks for all your replies I really appreciate them. NO matter what happens I would stand by him, I"m unsure yet what this will entail if as his partner or as his friend. I know for me having a family is very important, I wish to be a mum. I have tried to encourage him to open up more, so he said he will. He's not sure yet whether this is just cross dressing or taking it to full female and I'm not sure how I feel about the extreme. I have found him a gender counsellor to go to, and I hope that will help. thanks again all x

Quote from: jamiej on November 09, 2015, 08:32:55 PM
HI Carla,
your reply was touching.
I'm not handling this well at all, I"m not sure how it would be to be female-female...I always saw him as a big strong man.
Has your wife, lost her identity as a woman through this process, with you?
I feel strange thinking of the sexual side of things even with him now...still as a man.
But I also feel selfish as I'm thinking about me, whether as maybe I should be worried about him now. I feel like my best friend has changed. I"m not sure how to act with him when I go home tonight or what to do. He is very clear he does not want to be with a man, but have a lesbian to lesbian relationship...but isn't that effectively asking me to be attracted to him as a female?

My laptop ran out of battery so i will reply from my phone:

No she hasnt. She became my role model. She taught me how to dress, what to wear, how to sit, how to walk, how to use the womens restroom, everything. Ive felt a woman in the wrong body for 32 years but only been one for less than 3 months!! So many things to learn!!! Its both exiting and overwhelming.

We are doing super well, thank god. She is starting to use female pronouns on me when talking to me which i love it but i dont mind when she doesnt. Like i said before, i knew before hand that this would take time.
But i always wanted to watch over her during this period. My priority is that she feels good and protected. I might have changed my apearance but she is still my little girl and i will always protect her. (Mind you shes 5'6'' and i am 5'9'' so we are almost the same height, we are both size s of clothes so i get to steal some of her stuff and she steals mine lol)

But to be real for a sec, we had and still have some difficulties, it wasnt this glamorous right from the start. Every couple deals with it differently but i just wanted to emphasize how important it is to respect and love each other and be extra compassionate during this period. Both of you are feeling very sensitive probably and a little overwhelmed. It is normal. So just be patient. Things will work out. If you feel like going out shopping for girly stuff with your prtner thats fantastic. If you are not ready yet thats perfect too. Just say 'im not ready yet. I will let you know when i am'

Your aproach is the best and the healthiest one.

Intimate moments for us have not changed very much. I was full male at first because she wasnt comfy with the female on female thing but we adjusted over time and now we are fantastic. I dont suffer genital dysphoria. So obv i am non op there, and probably always will be. If there is true love it doesnt matter much how we look on the outside.

I am the same as your partner. I find men repulsive, lol. I am only sexually and romantically atracted to females. I joke and say to my wife that the only way id ever end up being with a guy is if she transitioned into a trans man. It helps that we are both demisexual and we dont care about looks, but how we feel when we are together. Our soul doesnt change.

Tell your partner that you understand what he wants but that you need time to process it. It would be like you asking him to be in a relationship with a man from a day to another. He just couldnt do it, hed need time to adjust. Hope that makes sense.

Doing things Little by little and always taking it easy it makes things work. Big hugs, and if you ever need to talk or anything, just ask away or pm me or any of the girls we would be pleased to help.  x

Clara


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

HI Carla,
how do I send you a private message? Its telling me that I"m not allowed to send them, is there a trick to it? thanks

Quote from: jamiej on November 11, 2015, 01:50:10 PM
HI Carla,
how do I send you a private message? Its telling me that I"m not allowed to send them, is there a trick to it? thanks

Well you need 15 postings to be able to send private messages.
You can receive though.

Until then you might use postings... or maybe the chat...

Aha thanks for that:)
Things have been up and down, I have found the last 3 nights since my partner told me quite confussing and I haven't known what I was doing. The hard part is that he (in his current state) is going through a hard time as well. We have had many discussions and there has been so many tears on both of our sides. Last night he asked if I'm okay with him  dressing up at home for the night....of course I was, I have no problem about that at all, infact I thought He looked nice. I guess the struggle comes in for me, if he went to full removal of his man part...I"m not sure if that is something I coudl handle. it must be so hard for him as he doesn't know what he wants or how far he wants to take this...I feel terribly bad for him. We love each other to bits and I feel devastated that he is going through this. Personally myself I haven't been coping well at work at all, mostly a mess.
I love him so much and he has been very honest that he wouldn't do hormones if he does this, until after we are pregnant so it does nto affect his erection state.
I want so badly to do more for him...but I feel in a state of limbo as well.
Sorry I"m not being offense by saying him...but I dont know what else to call him right now.
Thanks to all reading my posts xx

here are some resources that might help understand:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Well its a transgender spectrum...
so its individual where people feel comfortable...
from crossdressing to more...
its well possible your partner needs a gender therapist and a few sessions to find out what they like and need...
it might take some easy reversible steps at first, like changes to hair and clothing style...

I'd say its simply nobodys fault, just talk about it, and its a step by step process... just talk about it...

there are many who have gone through this process and succeeded...


*hugs*

Thanks, his counselling for gender starts on Wednesday and I to am seeing someone Tuesday to help me understand more and what I am comfortable with. I hope we get through this, I really do. x

Quote from: jamiej on November 11, 2015, 02:32:14 PM
Thanks, his counselling for gender starts on Wednesday and I to am seeing someone Tuesday to help me understand more and what I am comfortable with. I hope we get through this, I really do. x

Just keep talking....

and it is a step by step process, just take the next step...

you can do this together  :)


hugs

I dont think that your partner would go for srs would he? I have completely ruled it out personally as im very happy with my genitals the way they are. Tucking is not that hard and with a little bit of practise and 'the gaff' you can even wear a bikini! Lol

Thats ok. Btw. If at this moment he identifies as male theres no prob with calling him a he. Has your partner chosen a name yet?
Hormones will not mess with his erections much but he might become infertile so its wise to wait until you are preggers before hes on t blockers



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Carla:)
You have been so helpful! Thank you:) I'm hoping he won't go for srs as that would be maybe to much for me, when I ask him he says he doesn't think so and it scares him to think of it! I haven't asked him but I'm guessing it will be Krissy it Chrissy.. Maybe.
That's helpful news on the hormones, he agrees not to take them until after a baby is born to ensure he/she is healthy and ok! I helped choose some clothes for him to wear around the house tonight, because I want him to be comfortable and figure things out for him the best he can.
I'm still hurting inside:(
Thanks for caring :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Jamiej

My heart goes out to you, as I am sure all of the people on this site do.

Being transgender is not a choice, but by lord so many of us fight it. Hoping that somehow we can be cured.

The first question that most transgender MtF ask their therapist is how to make them be a man. Sadly it isn't possible. You can change bodies but you can't change brains.

Our wives and families are so often caught up in the disaster zone of our transitions, and it takes incredible strength to accept and maybe one day understand; from both sides.

Your husband loves you. He would have fought his transgender feelings for ever, hoping against hope they would go away.

Sadly they do not.

You had and have your dreams of meeting a man, having a family and being 'normal' (whatever that is!).

Those dreams are in tatters.

But, and this is the big BUT; your husband loves you. You chose each other. The dreams are the same; just the reality has changed.

I'm married and we have celebrated our 33 Anniversary last August. Yes I knew I was TG before we married and I told her; we loved (and still do love each other), so we married.

To be honest it has been a very easy marriage, we have faced situations I would not wish on anyone, but throughout it we had one thing. Love.

She is heterosexual; I'm also straight (I like men), we have been faithful to each other. Because we love each other.

Once you accept; if you can, a transgender partner, there are no rules; there is just understanding. That can take a while.

Lovely to have you on the site

Cindy

One approach to the "how can we have children" question is sperm banking.

Someone I know just went through that.  It cost a few thousand dollars for a 10-year contract (renewable.)  This was in New  York City, where everything is more expensive.

For the FTM folks, there's also ovum banking.  The same place also does that.  I'm not sure of the procedure, but I assume it's more complicated.

HI All,

thanks again for all your replies! I appreciated hearing from all of you ladies:)
I love my partner more then anything in the world, everything about him, intelligence, our goals and our life. I dont have a problem with the wearing of woman's clothes. I guess where things become to much for me is when SRS (is that the name?) takes place, I like the male organ and I dont think I could cope with this:( it makes me feel so sad.
he is happy to stay off the hormones until after a baby, and sadly we cannot really afford to bank his sperm, as we are renovating our home currently as well.
I still feel quite confused myself, i'm scared he is going to change and I will lost the person inside that I fell in love with and that all of a sudden that person will be gone. Does this happen? I have offered to take him to buy other womans clothes later today, to get some more nice pieces:)

Hello Carla, could you tell me, did you go through hormones? and how did it affect you if you did? is it a lifeline pills that need to be taken or a course over time?
Thanks again:)

Quote from: jamiej on November 12, 2015, 12:46:49 PM

I still feel quite confused myself, i'm scared he is going to change and I will lost the person inside that I fell in love with and that all of a sudden that person will be gone. Does this happen? I have offered to take him to buy other womans clothes later today, to get some more nice pieces:)

Well some people make a comparison with a twin... they will be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour...
some parts might change though, especially when on hormones...
people might get a bit more emotional and talking a bit more... not being so overactive any more... and maybe being a bit more cooperative... trying to be in an agreeable atmosphere...

Quote
.. could you tell me, did you go through hormones? and how did it affect you if you did? is it a lifeline pills that need to be taken or a course over time?
Thanks again:)

Well usually people take in the beginning estrogen and an anti androgen.
Many start out with a low dose which is then amped up to full dose after a few weeks or months.
After SRS they should be taken to have an estrogen dominated body.

There are permanent and non permanent changes...
fat redistribution and changes in skin might be non permanent...
growth of boobies is permanent but it takes months...

Thank you Laura, appreciated. I really want to support him. But he is so confused right now. I'm hopeful his gender counselling on wed will help.
It's hard on me to, my first attraction to him was his height 6"2 and his manly ways. I then fell in love with his amazing personality.
It's difficult... I haven't slept much this week... But started to properly last night and I think he did to:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: jamiej on November 12, 2015, 01:47:29 PM
Thank you Laura, appreciated. I really want to support him. But he is so confused right now. I'm hopeful his gender counselling on wed will help.
It's hard on me to, my first attraction to him was his height 6"2 and his manly ways. I then fell in love with his amazing personality.
It's difficult... I haven't slept much this week... But started to properly last night and I think he did to:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Have some trust this will work...
do it step by step...
talk to each other...

have some hot cocoa (not with too much sugar... or brown sugar, if... or some hot tea...)
take it easy the next few days... not too much stress or activities...


*hugs*

Thanks Laura:)
I guess I'm just scared his personality will change. I'm stressed about allot of things!
I'm feeling great about helping him with some girly clothes shopping today:) thanks for all the care this website provides


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: jamiej on November 12, 2015, 02:31:30 PM
Thanks Laura:)
I guess I'm just scared his personality will change. I'm stressed about allot of things!
I'm feeling great about helping him with some girly clothes shopping today:) thanks for all the care this website provides


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well some traits might show more pronounced...
but as said many known things might stay...


*hugs*

What type of traits do you think might show more pronounced?
If I provide a imagine for your head, he (sorry it's all I can call him right now) is very mechanically minded can fix anything and does all our renovating around our house... Will those type of things change?sorry if it seems I'm asking silly questions:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well here was a thread on this subject:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,198968.msg1769598.html#msg1769598

its possible they become a bit more emotional but also a bit more caring and cooperative...


hugs

We spend much of our life before treatment distracted or depressed over our condition. Often this prevents us from feeling the full range of emotions that are out there. In my case the end of the depression that hung over me for years allowed me to feel happiness like I never felt before. I am 33 years post surgical and I still find the joy of life every day. My basic personality is still the same but I am a nicer person to be around.

I don't think you need to fear the change and I think you will like them.

Thanks dena:) I want to support him.... I'm not sure why I feel so scared:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

For once an easy question. You fear the unknown. We like it when we know what the future will bring but in this case he can't even tell you for sure what he wants. As therapy progresses and you both learn more, you should have less to fear.

Thank you :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I feel happy tonight:) we are communicating well:) I hope it continues.... I'm
Sure there are tough times ahead:) I want to see this through:) I adore him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That is really good news jamiej!!

Laverne Cox said: loving a transgender is a revolutionary act.

I adore my wife for loving and supporting me. Ive been a prisoner for 32 years and she set me free.

What you are doing for your partner is amazing jamiej ^^


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you Clara:) this website has helped me allot.... We still have along way to go.
He was in female mode last night with clothing etc and it was fine, I enjoyed how free he was.
Have offered to help him check out makeup and will put it on him:)
Still calling him a he .... As he has yet to figure out what he is or is doing. I'm ok with this so far. I couldn't see life without each other.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am still reading even if I am not posting, I am glad it's starting to come together and I hope you continue to remain together. I am sure the help you offer will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks Dena:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I found out that he has been dressing up our entire relationship and hiding it, I feel hurt as if he had of told me I would of accepted it. Then today the honesty of the secret stash all over our home came out and it the clothes shoes heels wigs and makeup hidden everywhere in our home. Why... When I could of dealt with it. It's made me feel inferior and not good enough to please him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on November 15, 2015, 02:51:59 AM
I found out that he has been dressing up our entire relationship and hiding it, I feel hurt as if he had of told me I would of accepted it. Then today the honesty of the secret stash all over our home came out and it the clothes shoes heels wigs and makeup hidden everywhere in our home. Why... When I could of dealt with it. It's made me feel inferior and not good enough to please him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Please be aware this has nothing to do with you.

Maybe they were caught when young and anticipated such reactions from everyone therefore.
Or it was some internal feeling of guilt... you might talk about it...

maybe you can feel a sense of relief over your place, now that they do not need to hide any more...


giving you a *hug*

Quote from: jamiej on November 15, 2015, 02:51:59 AM
I found out that he has been dressing up our entire relationship and hiding it, I feel hurt as if he had of told me I would of accepted it. Then today the honesty of the secret stash all over our home came out and it the clothes shoes heels wigs and makeup hidden everywhere in our home. Why... When I could of dealt with it. It's made me feel inferior and not good enough to please him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

This is something I am going to do a poor job describing to you because unless you lived it, you can't really know it. When we first have these feelings we are torn between two worlds. We lived all our life in our birth gender and have learned what society accepts and the cost of not conforming to social norms. We also feel an enormous drive to become the opposite gender, often this drive is on our mind day and night and we can only escape from it for short periods of time. In an attempt to reduce this drive, we cross dress. In my case, I would use my mother's clothes before I out grew them. I never had a private stash because I didn't have a way to buy or hide them. It's far easer to do both now days and I am seeing young teens with stashes they hide from their parents.

We know it's wrong and we feel great shame when we do it but the drive in us is so strong it overpowers common sense. It is also a sign of his love for you that he so strongly wanted you that he didn't want to risk losing you but he couldn't overpower the need to cross dress. Like an alcoholic, sometimes we think this one time will be the last. Other times people purge their entire collection only to latter replace it.

You shouldn't feel bad about this because the fact he unveiled the stash means you are helping him work on his discomfort and he trust you enough to open up to you. I understand why you feel the way you do but weigh that with the fact he has trusted you with his deepest darkest secret. You are far from inferior because you are battling something that existed before you met and you have done an outstanding job in that you are winning a battle that some people would have given up on a long time ago.

Thank you :) i understand better now.... I guess the hurt will subside. Thanks for all the explaining. It's appreciated


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Jamie J

I had my first stash when I was about 9-10 years old and it was a pattern I would follow for many years...There were very few times when I got the chance to actually wear any of it but just the "having it" seemed to help me a little. The fear of being caught , guilt, self-doubt ,shame and the list goes on as described by Dena, are the reasons it is hidden. You my dear are a very special person...it takes courage and true love to take the time and make the effort for your partner in the way that you have. Have a big hug from me, You are doing great. It is clear you really love her and want to understand why she does the things she does.

Sarah T 

Quote from: jamiej on November 12, 2015, 12:46:49 PM
Hello Carla, could you tell me, did you go through hormones? and how did it affect you if you did? is it a lifeline pills that need to be taken or a course over time?
Thanks again:)

i can give you my experience after almost a year.  Before I had a bad temper and was angry most of the time at home..  Consequently my wife and I fought all the time with it being my fault the majority of the time.  I also drank a lot, not an alcoholic, but probably not so far away from being one.

Now my temper is gone and we fight no more.  We are getting along better than probably any other time in the past 33 years.  We can have conversations and cooperate on things without me getting mad.

I also lost all interest in alcohol and rarely, less than once a month, drink anything.

Other than that my personality is still pretty much the same.  It's just not clouded over with a constant dark cloud of tension.

Quote from: jamiej on November 15, 2015, 02:51:59 AM
I found out that he has been dressing up our entire relationship and hiding it, I feel hurt as if he had of told me I would of accepted it. Then today the honesty of the secret stash all over our home came out and it the clothes shoes heels wigs and makeup hidden everywhere in our home. Why... When I could of dealt with it. It's made me feel inferior and not good enough to please him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Everything said above is exactly the case with me too.  I tried to hide from my wife because when I was 13 I my mother found my stuff and the reaction was unpleasant and burned into my mind.  My mother and father told me I was crazy and threatened to send me to a mental institution.  I was sent away to military school instead.

There is another factor too.  Lots of us, particularly before there was any information, thought this would go away.  So we got married for all the right reasons and then found it won't go away at all. It just gets worse with time.  So we don't tell  our wives out of simple raw fear that we will be rejected.  It has absolutely nothing to do with anything our wives did and is completely unrelated to our love and attraction to our wives.

Over a period of 17 years my wife found my hidden stuff several times and each time it led to explosive anger and resentment.  Each time I just couldn't admit out loud the truth out of fear that admitting I was trans would make it even worse.  So I took the abuse and each time swore it would be the last (really believing that too).

Finally, the last time it happened in 2004 the explosive anger happened again and in despair I was seriously considering killing myself.  I knew by then I couldn't make it go away and I couldn't live with her anger and resentment anymore since I blamed myself for it all.  I think the only thing that stopped me was the image in my mind of my wife and children finding and dealing with the mess.

So I did the only thing left and admitted I was trans, expecting the worst but left with no more options.  Amazingly, after she came to understand this was something that had been with me all my life and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her and that I wasn't dressing up to go out and have some gay affair, the anger and resentment went away.

So, I guess what I was trying to say after all that is that there is no reason for you to feel like his hiding reflects on you in any way. 

Quote from: Deborah on November 15, 2015, 04:22:23 PM
Everything said above is exactly the case with me too.  I tried to hide from my wife because when I was 13 I my mother found my stuff and the reaction was unpleasant and burned into my mind.  My mother and father told me I was crazy and threatened to send me to a mental institution.  I was sent away to military school instead.

There is another factor too.  Lots of us, particularly before there was any information, thought this would go away.  So we got married for all the right reasons and then found it won't go away at all. It just gets worse with time.  So we don't tell  our wives out of simple raw fear that we will be rejected.  It has absolutely nothing to do with anything our wives did and is completely unrelated to our love and attraction to our wives.

Over a period of 17 years my wife found my hidden stuff several times and each time it led to explosive anger and resentment.  Each time I just couldn't admit out loud the truth out of fear that admitting I was trans would make it even worse.  So I took the abuse and each time swore it would be the last (really believing that too).

Finally, the last time it happened in 2004 the explosive anger happened again and in despair I was seriously considering killing myself.  I knew by then I couldn't make it go away and I couldn't live with her anger and resentment anymore since I blamed myself for it all.  I think the only thing that stopped me was the image in my mind of my wife and children finding and dealing with the mess.

So I did the only thing left and admitted I was trans, expecting the worst but left with no more options.  Amazingly, after she came to understand this was something that had been with me all my life and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her and that I wasn't dressing up to go out and have some gay affair, the anger and resentment went away.

So, I guess what I was trying to say after all that is that there is no reason for you to feel like his hiding reflects on you in any way.

Hi, I understand what you meant:)
I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel. I guess all of me wishes he had of been honest, I wouldn't of cut him off or broken up,  would of tried to work it out.
Now I guess I feel hurt, trust is such a big thing.
I hope we can get through this and we can survive together.
Thank you for caring


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on November 15, 2015, 05:14:07 PM
Hi, I understand what you meant:)
I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel. I guess all of me wishes he had of been honest, I wouldn't of cut him off or broken up,  would of tried to work it out.
Now I guess I feel hurt, trust is such a big thing.
I hope we can get through this and we can survive together.
Thank you for caring


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I'd say don't take it personal...
they have told you now so that is a good thing...

and you can make it together  :)


*hugs*

Quote from: jamiej on November 15, 2015, 05:14:07 PM
Hi, I understand what you meant:)
I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel. I guess all of me wishes he had of been honest, I wouldn't of cut him off or broken up,  would of tried to work it out.
Now I guess I feel hurt, trust is such a big thing.
I hope we can get through this and we can survive together.
Thank you for caring


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

You don't need to try and tell us how you feel because we already have a pretty good idea. You are feeling just about every bad emotion in the book. It's pretty much the same as what you would feel if he had been seeing another woman. I have high hopes that you will be able to stay together but it's going to depend on your ability to forgive. Yes he was wrong for what he did but he did it with the thought of not hurting you but in the end he did. If you can forgive him they you can move forward to healing.

Agreed, it depends on my ability to forgive and his to continue with honesty:) it's quite simple really.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

It's hard to explain where the need of dressing up secretly comes from. Personally I lived in a fantasy world because dressing up was difficult. I'd sign my short stories and essays as a C.Brown and people wondered what C meant.

When I wore girls clothes before coming out and stared at the mirror I'd see my true self and feel wonderful inside, even though the guilt of having to hide to do it would kill me. It's not my dysphoria what was wrong, but the fear that people wouldn't understand me and in turn it made me have to hide and lie, which were two things I particularly hated.

I think you are a wonderful person for trying your hardest to understand what's going on and supporting your partner at the same time. You must be going through a lot of things and probably have a million questions in your head.

Thing is, Gender Dysphoria was almost a bad word a few years ago, and a term that didn't even exist at the time that I began questioning my gender identity. There is still a lot of confusion in this regard and some people had and still have some kind of pornographic view of us trans women as if we were all some kind of flamboyant vintage performer

Truth is we are pretty much normal like any other woman,but because of this social condemnation going on we'd have to hide. We could not openly dress up to see what it feels like. So on the one hand we'd feel wonderful when trying girl's clothes on, but on the other hand we'd feel this inmense feeling of guilt because we felt like we were commiting some kind of crime.

This is probably why your partner was super scared to tell you. Because this is why it took me so long to be like: Wait, I shouldn't be scared of feeling this way. I am not doing anything wrong?!

I don't think it had anything to do with you. In fact, you probably mean the world to him/her (not sure which pronouns to use)

Quote from: clarabrown on November 15, 2015, 08:24:14 PM
It's hard to explain where the need of dressing up secretly comes from. Personally I lived in a fantasy world because dressing up was difficult. I'd sign my short stories and essays as a C.Brown and people wondered what C meant.

When I wore girls clothes before coming out and stared at the mirror I'd see my true self and feel wonderful inside, even though the guilt of having to hide to do it would kill me. It's not my dysphoria what was wrong, but the fear that people wouldn't understand me and in turn it made me have to hide and lie, which were two things I particularly hated.

I think you are a wonderful person for trying your hardest to understand what's going on and supporting your partner at the same time. You must be going through a lot of things and probably have a million questions in your head.

Thing is, Gender Dysphoria was almost a bad word a few years ago, and a term that didn't even exist at the time that I began questioning my gender identity. There is still a lot of confusion in this regard and some people had and still have some kind of pornographic view of us trans women as if we were all some kind of flamboyant vintage performer

Truth is we are pretty much normal like any other woman,but because of this social condemnation going on we'd have to hide. We could not openly dress up to see what it feels like. So on the one hand we'd feel wonderful when trying girl's clothes on, but on the other hand we'd feel this inmense feeling of guilt because we felt like we were commiting some kind of crime.

This is probably why your partner was super scared to tell you. Because this is why it took me so long to be like: Wait, I shouldn't be scared of feeling this way. I am not doing anything wrong?!

I don't think it had anything to do with you. In fact, you probably mean the world to him/her (not sure which pronouns to use)

You have been amazing Carla and all of you.
But I fear this won't work out, no matter how much I am there he/she cannot seem to handle any conversations and I'm left feeling alone and unsupported myself.
There is only so much I can also take.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

You need to explain how you feel to his therapist before he sees the therapist. If the therapist understands you want this to work and how far you are willing to go, possibly the therapist will know how to nudge him in the right direction. After years of waiting and wanting to do something, he now has brain freeze because everything is moving so fast for him. So far you are proving to be the stronger of the two and you are leading the way. You may have to slow down a bit for him to catch up to you.

Take care and be strong.

Quote from: Dena on November 15, 2015, 11:28:47 PM
You need to explain how you feel to his therapist before he sees the therapist. If the therapist understands you want this to work and how far you are willing to go, possibly the therapist will know how to nudge him in the right direction. After years of waiting and wanting to do something, he now has brain freeze because everything is moving so fast for him. So far you are proving to be the stronger of the two and you are leading the way. You may have to slow down a bit for him to catch up to you.

Take care and be strong.

Thanks dena:)
I'm a strong person, I cannot see him being open to let me see him therapist first. I can truth be told only hope for the best outcome now:) whatever that is...
Whilst now looking after me to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I do understand what you said however dena:)
And thank you for the reply.
Seeing the man I loved shut me out is horrible....
I only wanted to support him.... But we need it to go both ways.
*hopefully* :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Gosh I feel alone, worried confused and hurt. I miss him:us.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on November 16, 2015, 03:54:36 AM
Gosh I feel alone, worried confused and hurt. I miss him:us.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Just try to stay positive...
you might make a list for your talk with your therapist tomorrow...

and as Dena said you might contact their therapist... maybe its possible to sum a few things up per email...
well another strategy could be to wait until the first session, and then ask to be included in one session... so your views could be included...

you might talk that through with your therapist tomorrow...


have a *hug*

Hi Jamie, sorry been a little pre-occupied and am a bit late to your situation

I note that you have been getting a lot of love and advice, which is good.

Reason I am responding now, My wife (we have over 43 years of marriage) is now going through what you are, I feel awful for coming out so late in life. Its been just coming up to 6 weeks now, We have gotten over the continuous tears, just occasional now.

So getting the point I am trying to make... She is now trying to understand, we talk a lot about the drivers and the fear we hold, how we keep quiet under the idea that it protects those that are closest to us. We still have teary moments, and it breaks my heart for what I have done to her... BUT, I could not help it, the feelings went away from about mid teens till mid forties, apart from little cross dressing episodes. Then since mid forties it just got worse and worse. My wife, I think now, understands my motives for keeping quiet, but whilst she does not want to see me as Katrina, she is asking more and more about hiding clothes etc... but not wanting to see any.
Then suddenly this weekend, we were in a clothes shop, I was helping her with choosing some new clothes (I was paying) then I mentioned how I liked a top in the shop, she picked it of the display stand, and said yes it looks nice and would suit me, then took it up to the counter for me...

Big advance... and that she does not want to be alone...

Oh another good point, talking at the weekend, after the shopping, we both said, regardless of the future we both enjoy our company, even now... still

I don't really know if this helps you at all, but I think for many love and care tends to drive us more than the risks, horror and resentment.

Lots of love Katy xxx

Thank you Laura and Katy:)
I'm not feeling very positive today about anything. I have my therapist tomorrow and so does he but different therapists at different times.
I don't actually think I have felt more alone in life then I do right now.
I'm sure he does to, I'm trying to support him.
I'm most likely doing a terrible job at it now.
I think we both feel alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Don't feel like you are doing a terrible job of support because you are not. I have seen cases where the spouse refuses to do anything to preserve the relationship. You are doing everything possible but it's going to take time for this to play out. There is a reason why we tend to need therapy while we transition and that's to deal with issues like this. You didn't see it but he has contained emotional issues for years and now they are all coming to the surface.

Earlier we mentioned that we end up better people as the result of the transition. The reason is because we went through this stage and eliminated the problems we contained for years. For me the hard part was 2-3 weeks long but as I didn't have anybody in my life, nobody viewed me going through it. You are very close and you will have to wait for this to crest. I am sure it will but for a short time it's going to be hard on both of you.

Quote from: jamiej on November 16, 2015, 12:55:15 PM
Thank you Laura and Katy:)
I'm not feeling very positive today about anything. I have my therapist tomorrow and so does he but different therapists at different times.
I don't actually think I have felt more alone in life then I do right now.
I'm sure he does to, I'm trying to support him.
I'm most likely doing a terrible job at it now.
I think we both feel alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

You're doing pretty well.
Just keep going.
Look out a bit for yourself...
don't do too many or stressful things...
enjoy a few simple things... a cup of tea...

wish you well
*hugs*

Jaimie j you are doing great, you are about to have your first therapy session in an effort to keep your relationship going and gain the things you need to be able to move forward with your life. Many partners just won't do what you are doing so don't feel like you are not doing enough. I have been following this thread for awhile and can see you anxiety continuing to grow. With any luck you have found a great therapist who is going to be able to help you feel much better about things.

I do hope you have a great session...do something nice for yourself today...you deserve it.

Hugs

Sarah T

Quote from: sarahtokes on November 16, 2015, 02:18:34 PM
Jaimie j you are doing great, you are about to have your first therapy session in an effort to keep your relationship going and gain the things you need to be able to move forward with your life. Many partners just won't do what you are doing so don't feel like you are not doing enough. I have been following this thread for awhile and can see you anxiety continuing to grow. With any luck you have found a great therapist who is going to be able to help you feel much better about things.

I do hope you have a great session...do something nice for yourself today...you deserve it.

Hugs

Sarah T

Thanks sarah:) you are right... My anxiety is terrible today I feel like I'm only just able to function. Hopefully tomorrow will be better:)
I actually fear he doesn't want me anymore sexually or as a partner, both I suspect. Which isn't helping with how I feel.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

big hugs jamiej, wishing you the best for tomorrow. Keep us posted! Like the girls were saying: Therapy is the way to go in these cases. You will feel a lot better.

Chin up, and take it easy. I know it's easier said than done, and I wish I could do more for you. I really hope you guys can work it out.

I was reviewing the post and I ran across this thread and most of all this post. I thought you might want to see it.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186117.msg1772061.html#msg1772061

Thanks Dena:) I'm not good today, fearing the worst actually of possibly not staying together.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

It is a great thread Dena:)
But unfortunately I wish to be a mother (even with him being a mum to the child to) and my time is limited for to fertility measures of my egg count..... After his session today he's not sure he can do the baby thing in fertility timeline I have left. I'm now left with do I stay for the person I love and potentially give up my dream of being a mother (one I have had for as long as I can imagine).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I know you said money was an issue but if you have limited time left, possibly a sperm bank would give you a discount on a 5 year plan instead of a 10 year plan. It's also possible that cost would be less in your area. I understand your dream and need but best way for this to work for both of you is to find a way that both of you can get what you want.

I don't think I can get my head around it to be honest..... Having a family is very important to me...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on November 17, 2015, 07:13:40 PM
I don't think I can get my head around it to be honest..... Having a family is very important to me...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

You could have a look here:
http://www.milkjunkies.net/2013/05/trans-women-and-breastfeeding-personal.html
This is an article with the experience of a trans women breastfeeding their kid.
She describes in detail how long it took her for going off hormones until she was able to produce sperm.
She also states that some people have produced offspring five years after being on hormones, and later.
She states that medical personnel often is not very aquainted with the subject and people should try if they want offspring.
Well all at your own risk since there are no guarantees... but as said if you look for it you will find that being on hormones is not a sure way for permanent sterility.
Its another thing if they plan to have srs soon... they would need to go off hormones for a few months before...


hugs

Thanks Laura:)
I appreciate it. I have waited a long time to have s baby just like he has waited a long time to expose his lies and be comfortable. I'm not prepared to wait past another 4 months.... I would need to see a compromise as this situation of a family now to stay.
If I see him through this entire thing as I want to, then I also need one thing to be compromised to work for me. It might sound selfish but if I give everything to help him I expect one compromise in return.... So my dream doesn't get shattered in the process.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Jamie, I'm sorry I'm late to the conversation. It sounds like you are having a very difficult time with this. I will be the antagonist in the group. I would not make any long term commitments to your struggling partner at this time. It can sometimes take years for this thing to get resolved. And it seems very clear that you want a heterosexual relationship. Now is a good time to admit the difficulties the future holds and part as good friends. I was married to a guy for 22 years. We lived together for two years before that. He recently ran off with another woman citing homophobia as the reason for his adultery. Some people can not deal with this over the long term. That's just how it is. You must take care of yourself first and your partner second. That's called self preservation. To do otherwise, you will be making a sacrifice that no one should be expected to make.

I'm sorry if I come off negative, but I don't want you to get trapped in a place where you are not absolutely committed to a future where you are uncomfortable. You can still remain great friends. You can still be supportive. You can still be room mates if you wish. But it's important to you to face the reality of the situation and look out for yourself.

Chin up,
Cindi

Quote from: Cindi Jones on November 18, 2015, 12:56:54 PM
Jamie, I'm sorry I'm late to the conversation. It sounds like you are having a very difficult time with this. I will be the antagonist in the group. I would not make any long term commitments to your struggling partner at this time. It can sometimes take years for this thing to get resolved. And it seems very clear that you want a heterosexual relationship. Now is a good time to admit the difficulties the future holds and part as good friends. I was married to a guy for 22 years. We lived together for two years before that. He recently ran off with another woman citing homophobia as the reason for his adultery. Some people can not deal with this over the long term. That's just how it is. You must take care of yourself first and your partner second. That's called self preservation. To do otherwise, you will be making a sacrifice that no one should be expected to make.

I'm sorry if I come off negative, but I don't want you to get trapped in a place where you are not absolutely committed to a future where you are uncomfortable. You can still remain great friends. You can still be supportive. You can still be room mates if you wish. But it's important to you to face the reality of the situation and look out for yourself.

Chin up,
Cindi

Hi cindi
Thank you so much for your reply:)
I will digest it more today.... I feel I could live with him as a cross dresser or a trans gender but I cannot live without the opportunity of a baby, and coming off the pill in 4 months.
That I cannot live with.
At my age 38 it would take sometime to get pregnant and the fertility clinic has already suggested my chances are very low without Ivf, he knows this to.
If we can compromise on my dream, I would stay and see him through as I love him totally on the inside :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi cindy
Are you male to female and your husband stayed with you through a transition? Sorry I was confused?
:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi JamieJ

I have been thinking about your situation....

You have the same rights as your partner. you are entitled to happiness, you really want to have kids and this is something you need for you. Your partner sounds like she has  along way to go working out much of the crap that comes with transition.

You have to look after your needs the same way your partner needs to look after hers. The result for you will be no different than it would be for her in respect to having the baby. I can only imagine this is a very core part of who you are and what you need in your life.

I really hope you are able to navigate your way through this.

Quote from: jamiej on November 18, 2015, 02:00:17 PM
Hi cindy
Are you male to female and your husband stayed with you through a transition? Sorry I was confused?
:)

I met my husband a few years after I transitioned. Yes, I am mtf and I told him right up front when we began dating. He was good with it in the beginning but after we married, he changed his mind about intimacy. I thought it was because he had ED or something. He would never talk about it. I only found out when he found a younger woman who could provide a home for him last year. It was devastating to me. It was only when he left that he told me what had happened. He needed a "real woman" he told me. Now he's got one as well as a free place to live with no house payments to make. Financially, he's better off. I'm worse. That's life, I suppose.

Cindi

Hello sarah tokes hello cindy:)
I appreciate both your replies to my situation. I agree on my happiness, I have come to the conclusion I could only stay in this if we come to a compromise on the baby dream we once both had. If we can, I can also learn to live with whatever he comes out as in his true form. So he is happy inside which I need for him and I am happy as well.... Then ultimately we are happy together:)
I have no idea if he can yet.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi jamiej,

I'm late to this conversation. I just finished reading through all the posts. Firstly, I would like to say that it is fantastic that you are supportive of your partner. I am in a somewhat similar position as him/her. I am 43 and for the past 4-5 months I have been struggling greatly with my gender. I am only now realising that it is something that has been with me my whole life, but I somehow managed to bury it in the deepest darkest corners of my mind, thinking that I could beat this thing. I'm slowly learning that every time I bury the feelings, they only come back much stronger later on.

Finally back around June this year it came to a point that I could no longer contain it. I came out to my wife fearing the worst and she was supportive and understanding and wanted nothing other than to help me. I most certainly do not WANT to be transgender, and with the help of a therapist am trying to explore ways to satisfy my gender dysphoria without causing my wife to have to compromise herself too much. (I hope that makes sense!)

After a few sessions with the therapist (she is a very good gender therapist by the way), I asked to have a session with my wife present. My wife came along and it was a good session. The therapist got to meet my wife and ask her questions directly rather than get an answer through me, and my wife got a little bit of an idea what I am going through explained by the therapist. Next week we are both going to see a therapist who specialises in couples therapy for couples where one is trans.

It sounds like you have a strong relationship based on true love for each other. Maybe seeing a therapist together may help you both find suitable compromises for both of you to be happy.

I am so grateful that my wife is understanding and supportive. I don't want to end up in a position where I do everything to satisfy my own needs but in the process my wife ends up in a closet of her own. There has to be a middle ground for both of us. It sounds like you and your partner are trying to find this happy middle ground but are possibly going over some rocky ground at the moment which is making it difficult to see a positive outcome. As many others on this forum have previously suggested, open communication is the key.

My best wishes to you both.

Jayne

Hi Jayne,
You sound very supportive of ensuring your wife also gets hers needs met and isn't put in the closet in the process:)
I'm envious of that:) your post has helped and I can only pray that this will happen for us now
Appreciated your post :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Jamie

It does take time for both of you, you will both feel some pain and wondering, but if you love each other, beyond the male / female level, you will pull through. Trust in your heart and soul.

As far as baby dreams there are options you could both consider.

Hugs

Katy xxxx

Thanks Katy
I love him far more then the female male level I adore who he is... No matter the gender.
We seem to fighting allot over the last three days and not understanding each other.
I'm hopeful it's a rocky patch.... I want to get through it :)
Xxx



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on November 19, 2015, 03:29:15 AM
Thanks Katy
I love him far more then the female male level I adore who he is... No matter the gender.
We seem to fighting allot over the last three days and not understanding each other.
I'm hopeful it's a rocky patch.... I want to get through it :)
Xxx



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Well try to understand each other... instead of fighting...
talking about ones owns needs and emotions, without making reproaches...


hugs

Will try that Katy:)
I still want this to work out I cannot imagine life apart but want us to compromise on the baby for me/us and also giving him everything he needs.
I have felt in the last three days like a failure to him by us not getting on. It's been hurting allot.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Today has been good I feel a wee bit more settled... Less angry. Will keep posting updates. You have all been wonderful[emoji3]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on November 21, 2015, 03:39:54 AM
Today has been good I feel a wee bit more settled... Less angry. Will keep posting updates. You have all been wonderful[emoji3]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Keep us posted  :)

Wish you a nice day  :)


hugs

Quote from: Laura_7 on November 21, 2015, 04:36:51 AM
Keep us posted  :)

Wish you a nice day  :)


hugs

Thanks Laura:)
I thought it was best we talk about the baby conversation in a weeks time so there is more time for him to digest it, before we talk openly. I hope for a good outcome so we  can start moving ahead on both accounts his gender confusion and our family need:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I am glad times are a little more settled now for you xxx

Hugs
Katy

Quote from: jamiej on November 21, 2015, 03:21:23 PM
Thanks Laura:)
I thought it was best we talk about the baby conversation in a weeks time so there is more time for him to digest it, before we talk openly. I hope for a good outcome so we  can start moving ahead on both accounts his gender confusion and our family need:)

I think you are doing remarkably well. I hope you get things resolved.

Cindi

Quote from: Cindi Jones on November 23, 2015, 10:37:18 AM
I think you are doing remarkably well. I hope you get things resolved.

Cindi
[/quote
Thanks cindi:)
Your words of encouragement mean so much:)
His therapy is today and mine tomorrow.
Sunday will be the day, I learn if he can let us still achieve our goals of a baby as well. That's really the deal breaker..... I can accept him in anything he becomes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Good luck with the counselling for you both I hope it works well and you all end up getting what you need to stay together.

Hugs

Sarah T

Awww thanks sarahtokes....me to!
Leaving would be horrible, I cannot imagine it:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: Jayne01 on November 19, 2015, 12:17:54 AM
Hi jamiej,

I'm late to this conversation. I just finished reading through all the posts. Firstly, I would like to say that it is fantastic that you are supportive of your partner. I am in a somewhat similar position as him/her. I am 43 and for the past 4-5 months I have been struggling greatly with my gender. I am only now realising that it is something that has been with me my whole life, but I somehow managed to bury it in the deepest darkest corners of my mind, thinking that I could beat this thing. I'm slowly learning that every time I bury the feelings, they only come back much stronger later on.

Finally back around June this year it came to a point that I could no longer contain it. I came out to my wife fearing the worst and she was supportive and understanding and wanted nothing other than to help me. I most certainly do not WANT to be transgender, and with the help of a therapist am trying to explore ways to satisfy my gender dysphoria without causing my wife to have to compromise herself too much. (I hope that makes sense!)

After a few sessions with the therapist (she is a very good gender therapist by the way), I asked to have a session with my wife present. My wife came along and it was a good session. The therapist got to meet my wife and ask her questions directly rather than get an answer through me, and my wife got a little bit of an idea what I am going through explained by the therapist. Next week we are both going to see a therapist who specialises in couples therapy for couples where one is trans.

It sounds like you have a strong relationship based on true love for each other. Maybe seeing a therapist together may help you both find suitable compromises for both of you to be happy.

I am so grateful that my wife is understanding and supportive. I don't want to end up in a position where I do everything to satisfy my own needs but in the process my wife ends up in a closet of her own. There has to be a middle ground for both of us. It sounds like you and your partner are trying to find this happy middle ground but are possibly going over some rocky ground at the moment which is making it difficult to see a positive outcome. As many others on this forum have previously suggested, open communication is the key.

My best wishes to you both.

Jayne

Hi Jayne, how are things going for you and your wife?
Are you both getting your needs meet?
:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi jamiej, things are good between my wife and I. I don't know what or how far I need to go myself, so at the moment nothing has really changed for us. I still present male and honestly don't know if I ever need to transition. I'm still working myself out.

My wife came along to one of my therapy sessions. It was great. The therapist got to meet my wife and ask her some questions directly. Also my wife got to meet the therapist.

Tomorrow we both go see a different therapist together who does couples counselling where one person is trans. I think that would be helpful for both of us. Looking forward to it, but also a little nervous.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on November 25, 2015, 12:19:08 AM
Hi jamiej, things are good between my wife and I. I don't know what or how far I need to go myself, so at the moment nothing has really changed for us. I still present male and honestly don't know if I ever need to transition. I'm still working myself out.

My wife came along to one of my therapy sessions. It was great. The therapist got to meet my wife and ask her some questions directly. Also my wife got to meet the therapist.

Tomorrow we both go see a different therapist together who does couples counselling where one person is trans. I think that would be helpful for both of us. Looking forward to it, but also a little nervous.

Jayne

Hi Jayne
You inspire me with so much hope!
We are okay a few struggles however that I want to get through to work together.
We have both hurt this week, but coming right:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hang in there jamiej. You are an amazing person for sticking around and wanting to work through this. Your partner is very lucky to have you. This is a very difficult time for your partner trying to understand who they truly are. But it is no less difficult for you as you work through your own feelings while supporting your partner with their needs. I would argue that the SO has a harder time than the trans person. It sounds like you both truly love each other and that is what will get you through this.

Keep posting here. We are all here to offer help where we can or just simply just listen and let you know someone is out there who cares.

I wish you the very best. You are a wonderful person.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on November 25, 2015, 02:55:27 PM
Hang in there jamiej. You are an amazing person for sticking around and wanting to work through this. Your partner is very lucky to have you. This is a very difficult time for your partner trying to understand who they truly are. But it is no less difficult for you as you work through your own feelings while supporting your partner with their needs. I would argue that the SO has a harder time than the trans person. It sounds like you both truly love each other and that is what will get you through this.

Keep posting here. We are all here to offer help where we can or just simply just listen and let you know someone is out there who cares.

I wish you the very best. You are a wonderful person.

Jayne

Thank you so much Jayne:)
It has been a roller coaster two weeks and I don't think I have ever felt so afraid and alone at times.... Not because he's not there but because I feel afraid of not knowing his her side if that makes sense? I'm really trying, letting him explore etc.
The baby issue for me is still weighing heavily on my mind!
We have things we purchased in advance for a baby room and I find myself feeling comfort by being near them or looking at them at least once a day.
As well as the TG I think there are other issues that he needs to work through and I'm hopeful his counselling will start to break down those walls for him to be able to see and be the best person he can be... Whatever form that is.
Can I ask.... How do you know you might not transition? Does your wife allow you be Jayne at home and in public?
I would be fine with both.... But he's no where near ready for public.
I think allot of my fear is his man type habits of being protecting and looking after them an jobs might change... But I am most likely wrong.
:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi jamiej,

I can certainly understand the roller coaster ride. I have been on many such rides dragging my wife up and down with me. One thing I can say for certain is that it is not something I wanted to do on purpose. I think a lot of it comes from not wanting to damage the relationship with my wife along with all the shame and guilt I feel, makes me want to try and suppress my feelings and be the man I think my wife wants me to be. That just leads to extreme mood swings and turns me into not a very nice person to be around.

I'll tell you a little bit more about my situation in the hope that you may be able to relate some things to your situation. First up, one difference is that my wife and I have no kids and don't plan on having any in the future.

As far as my wife letting me be Jayne. It's still early days for us. We both went to see a therapist together yesterday. One of the things the therapist suggested to help ease my distress was for me to try dressing at home. My wife was completely ok with that. In fact, after we left the therapist, we went shopping to find something for me. We spent more than 6 hours shopping which is unheard of, because neither of us are shoppers, but we both actually had a lot of fun. My wife was incredible. She was helping me pick things and because I wasn't ready to go into the change rooms with all the other women, my wife was kind of sizing things up on her and then adding a bit of size to suit me. I don't know if I can go in public by myself. I'm trying to build up the courage to do it for my next therapist session next week. My wife is a bit uneasy to be in public with me as a woman because she is worried what people would think. That is understandable. I've had my whole life to try and deal with this. My wife has had only a few months since I came out to her. We will work through it together. I haven't actually had a chance to try my new cloths on. It was getting late by the time we got home and I need to get up early for work today. I'm really looking forward to getting home this evening.

I can understand you wanting to spend time in your baby room given how much you want a baby. Don't give up on your partner, but at the same time, if you feel he is getting a bit too self involved in his own issues and forgetting about yours, then let him know how you feel. Speaking for myself, I find it can be easy to let my mind run away with my own thoughts, especially now that I have my wife's blessing to dress at home. I need to keep remind myself to take things slowly so that my wife has a chance to process things herself. I also need to learn to not obsess about everything TG 24/7. My obsessing is draining on my wife.

My therapist has assured me, and everything I have read also confirms it, that transitioning does not change your personality other than make you a happier person. If your partner is happy doing the "man" type jobs now, I don't believe that would change. I am an engineer, drive a 4wd, a motorbike, like to tinker in the garage and generally playing with anything mechanical. I don't see any of that changing if I transition. I don't see me getting upset if I break a nail :)

I don't really know whether I will transition or not. I don't want to transition because of all the complications and difficulties that come with it. But if it comes down to me transitioning or living the rest of my life as a person that is miserable and impossible to live with, I will transition. However, be aware that transition could be simply wearing female underwear beneath the man clothes, or the full works including hormones, surgery, and everything in between.

Keep communicating and loving each other and you will find what you both need.

Take care and keep in touch.

Jayne

Hi Jayne
What a wonderful reply, it almost gave me a tear in my eye!
You and your wife sound wonderful:)
You're very lucky to have each other:) I guess the fact I/we have always wanted a baby complicates things for him and that's a decision he needs to figure out if he can compromise on.
I love him to bits and I hope he reads your reply as I think it might help him to understand what I am going through as well.
Thank you Jayne:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

My pleasure jamiej.

Thank you, my wife is truly amazing. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

I have received lots of help and good advice from this forum. I'm glad I am able to give a little back.

I don't know you other than from what you have written here. To me you sound like a very compassionate person who has lots of love to give. I think you would be a wonderful mother. And for you to have so much love for your partner suggests to me that he must be pretty great too. I'm confident and hopeful that you can both find a happy compromise. Are you both seeing a therapist together? If not, I might suggest giving that a try. My wife and I had our first session yesterday, and already it has helped immensely. It helps that the therapist is well versed in trans issues. (Her specialty is actually couples therapy where one is trans).

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but would sperm banking be something worth considering?

Take care.

Jayne

PS: I keep referring to your partner with male pronouns because I'm following your lead, I'm not being disrespectful to him. I myself don't mind either way. I identify as Jayne on this forum, but I present male (for now anyway :))

Hi Jayne,

Firstly it is all okay to call him a he, as right now that is how he is primarily presenting aless we are at home together. I'm not sure on banking his sperm, as the main problem is me and my age and number of eggs I have left, this is medical fact, as we have had fertility egg testing completed. There really isn't anything left to freeze, its a matter of it has to be done asap, or we will run out of luck. I have dreamed my entire life of being a mother, I recall being a little girl and knowing that being a mother would be my favorite time of my life...well until we retire and get to do the other things we both so badly want to do.
We both do counselling with a gender specialist, but not together...but I would like to go to one of his. We are spending this weekend renovating our house and will get lots of chances for him to dress up as well. Our conversation we were to have on Sunday about the baby will now be on Tuesday. I still cannot imagine life without him, but I can see we both have at times during the last 3 weeks not supporting each other well, or understood what each person is going through. I really want that to stop as I can see that it will in time (or sooner) tear us apart. Things are better at the moment.
:)
You have been wonderful support.
:)

its a simple equation then! you always dreamed of being a mum, he dreamed of being a she, if your partner wants to stay with you as wife and wife  then have a baby and be mum and mum haha <3

its all about making concessions, negotiating. Makes sense?

Hi jamiej,

Don't let a rough patch over the past few weeks convince you that you may not succeed as a couple. Coming to terms with ones gender identity is a very difficult thing, especially if it happens later in life as an adult. Throw in on top of that the desire to be parents and a ticking clock. You are doing an admirable job.

I cannot recommend strongly enough seeing a therapist together. The therapist can help you both identify each other's needs better so you can each better understand one another. Does he know you would like to go along to one of his sessions? If not, let him know and let the therapist know and set up an appointment. Try and have an open discussion with him discussing your needs and his and given the ticking clock, talk about some kind of timeline. Try not to get too emotional. A few times I tried to talk to my wife about something, I ended up just crying and being a blubbering mess. That wasn't very helpful and not productive. Now before I bring anything up that I think might be emotional, I make a little promise to myself to keep it together and not go down the blubbering path. It kind of works :)

I don't really want to say that you are right and he is wrong in what you are going through. I have only heard your side, but I don't think it is my place to say anything like that. Besides, you haven't asked for anyone to take sides either. I'm trying to provide support without making either if you appear as the good or bad guy. I sincerely hope that I am helping in some way.

Take care. Feel free to send a PM if you prefer.

Jayne

Awww thanks Jayne:) your reply is very helpful:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Thanks Clara brown:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hey Jamie J
Sorry that I am coming in late to your post. I am a cis wife; my SO is currently going through the process of transitioning. We are pretty much at the same stage that you and your SO seem to be at.

I can TOTALLY relate to what you have been sharing, when my SO "came out", we were at a place in our relationship where we were seriously talking about starting a family and the changes that have taken place since then have really made me rethink and re-consider every aspect of our relationship. I really feel the maternal feeling fighting an internal battle with my heart and mind nearly every day. I find it really really hard.

You asked early on about the cis woman loosing their identity through the process. And, although my SO is not "out" anywhere else but at home I DO feel that I have had a bit of an internal identity crisis!! I can't imagine that any other woman going through the same wouldn't! the whole process of wither we choose to leave our SO or stay with them means that we have to start really examining ourselves in ways that most people never have to. It undoubtedly changes us, and our identity.

In the permalinks there is a great article by the Beaumost society. (link below) I read it about a week after my SO came out to me. I really identified with a lot of what is written in the article. But the biggest impact it had on me was that I realised, in that moment, that there are other women out there who have been through what I am going through. 

http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html (http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html)

Like I said, I am pretty much just about where you are n all of this, I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I just wanted to acknowledge your feelings and what you are going through, because I can totally relate and pretty much go through all these feelings and thoughts often!

I guess it is true what the say; life is a journey!

Tuyrar xx

Hi tuyrar
Thank you for your reply. Last night again was challenging I'm feeling abit broken today.
It's nice to hear comfort from you that you are going through this to. Do you already have children? Or will you be? Are you staying to support him/her?
We are in the same spot... He's only her at home but I feel that will change in time .



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hey Jamie, yes, I am staying to support my spouse, I love them and don't really see their gender dysphoria as a reason to leave them.  We don't have any children, but I Really really want to have children, time is against me as I have some specific fertility problems.

Speaking honestly, and I truly don't want to offend anyone else reading this post but this is just where I am right now emotionally, one of my first "fears" or "questions" that I felt when I came out was "would I ever have children?". And what would all of this mean if we did? How would it work, how would I feel about it. I am sure that these all sound like super selfish thoughts to people on the other side, but they are just real emotions and thing that I am processing.

I guess a lot of it has a lot to do with what I had always just "presumed" would happen, and my spouse's coming out, has made me not only rethink and  re-examine our relationship, but also what that means for us having a family, and me being a mother. Just now they aren't taking hormones or anything, but we are also not in a place where we have get pregnant tomorrow. I don't know how long that will take, nor how long they can "take it" until they will start treatment.

I wouldn't say that my SO is against having children, just that they have never really been "for" it, in part I feel that I have spent some years waiting for them to "be ready enough" and now it's like our train is going down a completely different track. It is hard, emotionally and biologically. Not to mention that this sensitivity is making me soooooo much more aware of everyone around me having kids, and getting pregnant, and it fees like the whole world doesn't know how easy it is!! Haha but I know I am super emotional right now so I am kind of not seeing the world straight.

Does your spouse want kids?

To be honest I am finding it AL of it very hard, but just trying to stay positive and not cry so much! haha

Tuyrar xx

Hi Tuyrar,

You are doing great. you are here seeking support for yourself and knowledge to help your partner. For any cis-female to be able to do that is worthy of special praise. Lets face it, this is probably the last thing on your mind when you are getting ready to have a relationship. Strong women like you are few and far between and your partner is very lucky. It is a really tough gig being the spouse of someone in transition and you need all the help you can get.

Both of you have a hug and hang in there...you are special people

Sarah T

Quote from: Tuyrar on November 28, 2015, 10:22:47 AM
Hey Jamie, yes, I am staying to support my spouse, I love them and don't really see their gender dysphoria as a reason to leave them.  We don't have any children, but I Really really want to have children, time is against me as I have some specific fertility problems.

Speaking honestly, and I truly don't want to offend anyone else reading this post but this is just where I am right now emotionally, one of my first "fears" or "questions" that I felt when I came out was "would I ever have children?". And what would all of this mean if we did? How would it work, how would I feel about it. I am sure that these all sound like super selfish thoughts to people on the other side, but they are just real emotions and thing that I am processing.

I guess a lot of it has a lot to do with what I had always just "presumed" would happen, and my spouse's coming out, has made me not only rethink and  re-examine our relationship, but also what that means for us having a family, and me being a mother. Just now they aren't taking hormones or anything, but we are also not in a place where we have get pregnant tomorrow. I don't know how long that will take, nor how long they can "take it" until they will start treatment.

I wouldn't say that my SO is against having children, just that they have never really been "for" it, in part I feel that I have spent some years waiting for them to "be ready enough" and now it's like our train is going down a completely different track. It is hard, emotionally and biologically. Not to mention that this sensitivity is making me soooooo much more aware of everyone around me having kids, and getting pregnant, and it fees like the whole world doesn't know how easy it is!! Haha but I know I am super emotional right now so I am kind of not seeing the world straight.

Does your spouse want kids?

To be honest I am finding it AL of it very hard, but just trying to stay positive and not cry so much! haha

Tuyrar xx

Hi Tuyrar
You took the words out of my mind and put them on this forum!
No we both do not have any children, we have talked about it for years. In fact I made it quite clear 3 years ago that I didn't want to start a relationship if we weren't going to have a family. Being a mother and having a family is so important to me. We would been amazing parents together.
And like you I have waited for ages for him to be ready or the relationship to be where he needed it to be, for it to be right. Now this has come out and our life also is now on a different train. But sadly I cannot wait for that train to process/progress as I have had fertility checks and we need to start now without delay, or my/our dream won't happen! As it is right now we agreed to wait till March and maybe now that won't even happen. I find myself looking at the baby things we purchased almost grieving something it's weird!
I love my partner to and want to fully support but I'm going through a ping pong of emotional pain to and would like us to openly support more so each person gets what they need in life.
We were going to have a serious talk today but now it's Tuesday night.... I hope for a good outcome!
We are both doing therapy I suggest it helps:) we are yet to do one together however.
Thanks :) X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: sarahtokes on November 28, 2015, 01:46:37 PM
Hi Tuyrar,

You are doing great. you are here seeking support for yourself and knowledge to help your partner. For any cis-female to be able to do that is worthy of special praise. Lets face it, this is probably the last thing on your mind when you are getting ready to have a relationship. Strong women like you are few and far between and your partner is very lucky. It is a really tough gig being the spouse of someone in transition and you need all the help you can get.

Both of you have a hug and hang in there...you are special people

Sarah T

Awww thank you sarah :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Tuyrar,
Where are you in the world? We are in Auckland New Zealand.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Tuyrar
Sorry I missed one of your questions, yes he had always wanted kids with me.... But still waiting. I'm now scared that with this new process he/we are doing it's going to be a big wait and that's something medically not possible for me:( 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi jamiej,

Just checking in to let you know I'm still reading and really hope Tuesday night goes well for you. I'm just across the ditch in Sudney.

Take care.

Jayne

Sydney! Stupid big fingers and small phone keyboard! Haha

Hi Jayne,

Thank you I really appreciate this:) I travel to Sydney for work, once or twice a year.
I hope tuesday goes well to, at least it will give me/us some direction of "where our future/s are going"
:)

Hello,
I am wondering for all of you that have read my post, how many of your changed sexuality during/after Transition, or at least had enough curiosity to try?
I appreciate anyone's reply.
Thanks

H Jamiej

I am still early on in my transition but I it would not surprise me if I did find I had an attraction to men as I progressed through my journey when I consider how I have always viewed myself during sex, which is as the female. It took me a long time to own up to that to myself. I enjoyed the sex I had but it has never been this earth shattering experience that people talk about, I can remember  finding it an absolute chore at times and I we haven't indulged in sex for many years despite being married happily. But like most things you will find a wide and a varying array of opinions The key for me is this...even if my sexual orientation changes it will make no difference because I am married and I made a vow. To seek out a relationship with  a man/anyone for sex in my book is just plain wrong.

Hope that helps in some way

I think my sexuality was changing well before I started transitioning... (its been a very long transition and still, frustratingly is, but... I do not really want to leave my wife fending for herself at her age).
Anyway back on topic ;)
I did fantasize since early years on HRT of being intimate with men, but never did and now I don't anymore, I think the need to be who you know you are overrides any other emotions. But we are all so very different, humans in total I mean, some folks are really driven by sexual acts other not.
So did I have curiosity? hmmmm maybe but if only for a fleeting moment or during sexual acts with my wife, like wishing we were swapped around... but not me with me  ;D So maybe not so fleeting???

Katy xx

Thank you both for your reply, it helped:)
It makes me have hope that I will be enough for my partner as he figures this out.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I really hope things go well for you.

Jayne

Before I transitioned I wasn't sexual and mostly I thought that because the transsexualism was so intense that males didn't interest me and if I look at a girl, I wanted to be them. In the transition I figured out I was Asexual because I still didn't have a sexual attraction to either gender. In the last few month I think I am still Asexual but the Demisexual flavor. I am still not attracted to others sexually but I enjoy the company of others. I think I might be comfortable in bed with either gender but as I am still a virgin this remains untested.

The transition will not change your sexual orientation but it might expose an already existing one. Bi seems to be a good deal more common than once though so many people seem to change their sexual orientation when they transition when really they are just discovering the Bi that already existed in them.

Hi Dena:)
This helps me allot! Thank you


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: Dena on November 30, 2015, 10:44:48 PM
.....
The transition will not change your sexual orientation but it might expose an already existing one. Bi seems to be a good deal more common than once though so many people seem to change their sexual orientation when they transition when really they are just discovering the Bi that already existed in them.

There may well be a lot of substance I would suspect in Dena's statement, not really there at the moment, but oddly, more recently I am getting very minor flutters, if I really think about it, but its not sexually motivated, that I am consciously aware of....

Katy xx

Quote from: Dena on November 30, 2015, 10:44:48 PM
Before I transitioned I wasn't sexual and mostly I thought that because the transsexualism was so intense that males didn't interest me and if I look at a girl, I wanted to be them. In the transition I figured out I was Asexual because I still didn't have a sexual attraction to either gender. In the last few month I think I am still Asexual but the Demisexual flavor. I am still not attracted to others sexually but I enjoy the company of others. I think I might be comfortable in bed with either gender but as I am still a virgin this remains untested.

The transition will not change your sexual orientation but it might expose an already existing one. Bi seems to be a good deal more common than once though so many people seem to change their sexual orientation when they transition when really they are just discovering the Bi that already existed in them.

It might have to do with hormone levels.
Are your estrogen levels well in the female range ? Not in the menopausal range but above ?

Are the testo levels in the female range ? More than not readable ?
There are small testo doses available for menopausal women, its a well known subject there...


hugs

Quote from: jamiej on November 30, 2015, 05:03:36 AM
Hello,
I am wondering for all of you that have read my post, how many of your changed sexuality during/after Transition, or at least had enough curiosity to try?
I appreciate anyone's reply.
Thanks

I honestly don't know. It seems as though I'm not wired for sexuality. I certainly have the capacity to love someone. But sexual activity is not something I think about. I've had someone suggest that I might be pansexual, but I seriously don't know. I'm thinking that asexual is more appropriate for me.

Cindi

Hi all,
Thanks for all the replies, it's much appreciated. My partner had a very confusing conversation with me in regards to him having thoughts about being with a man after transition if that happens. But we have sorted that out now.
We have had the baby talk and the result was a NO for the timeframe we had originally agreed on. This has a massive effect on my motherhood potential.
I wanted to thank you all for the wonderful support you have all given me over the last few weeks it has been greatly appreciated. You're all wonderful people who should be proud of yourselves for being who you truly needed to be.  I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you all in the future:)
Marie (which is my real name:
:) 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on December 01, 2015, 12:59:07 PM
Hi all,
Thanks for all the replies, it's much appreciated. My partner had a very confusing conversation with me in regards to him having thoughts about being with a man after transition if that happens. But we have sorted that out now.
We have had the baby talk and the result was a NO for the timeframe we had originally agreed on. This has a massive effect on my motherhood potential.
I wanted to thank you all for the wonderful support you have all given me over the last few weeks it has been greatly appreciated. You're all wonderful people who should be proud of yourselves for being who you truly needed to be.  I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you all in the future:)
Marie (which is my real name).
:) 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi all,
Thanks for being so amazing. Unfortunately my situation didn't work out, no future or baby and my partner (now ex)  wanted to discuss open relationships with other men and woman. Pretty devastating after being with him for nearly 3 years and being open to him/her transitioning. I feel ripped apart when I was willing to give him or her everything.... Quite hard as I had a deep love that went past him turning into a her! I'm not open to being in an open relationship! I hope she/he gets happiness from their journey but I won't be a part of it. I honestly didn't foresee  this happening, to us. I truly thought if I stood by him:her, I would be enough but I wasn't and I don't think I have ever been this hurt:( I envy the MTF on this site that stand by their partner when they transition, faithfully if their partner does to, That would of been my dream. I hope I to can somehow get through this:(

You're all great caring people:) take care and have a great festive season. Marie xo


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: mickey.megan on December 09, 2015, 07:29:48 AM
im so sorry for you relationship loss. i think at this point you have to do what is best for you. you tried your best and so you have that knowledge. life goes on and you will find a happy way forward i am sure. *hugs to you*

Thank you :) I will get through it, right now I feel like I won't.... But in time I guess I will.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Sorry too hear of your breakup, it breaks my heart hearing of couples breaking up because one partner is transgender. What helped me and my wife was boundaries, the main boundary for us is no hrt or gcs which I had no problem agreeing on, I'm allowed too crossdress which I can live with. After 27 yrs together we have found what works and what doesn't. I hope you the best and not all tgs are jerks remember that.

Thanks Cheryl, you were one of the first people to speak to me on here:) I'm devastated, I could of supported him:her and I did, but I feel like I have been hurt to the core of my heart with the recent events that have transpired. I know you are all good people.....  I just hope I can get through this, I feel like I'm gripping at anything right now to get me through the next second and right now that's thinking of a way I can get to sleep so I can wake up later today feeling slightly better. I'm struggling I wish there was an erase pill for the last nearly three years of my life. I have never been this hurt.
:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on December 09, 2015, 12:11:56 PM
Thanks Cheryl, you were one of the first people to speak to me on here:) I'm devastated, I could of supported him:her and I did, but I feel like I have been hurt to the core of my heart with the recent events that have transpired. I know you are all good people.....  I just hope I can get through this, I feel like I'm gripping at anything right now to get me through the next second and right now that's thinking of a way I can get to sleep so I can wake up later today feeling slightly better. I'm struggling I wish there was an erase pill for the last nearly three years of my life. I have never been this hurt.
:(


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

*hugs*

keep on keeping on... things will get better eventually...

hugs

Thanks Laura. I'm still sitting here thinking about him:her rather then me. A good sleeping tablet will fix that for me for a few hours:)
I just wonder where the person I fell in love with went. When he:she told me about this, I struggled but came to terms with him being a woman, because I loved the person inside.... But I don't believe in sharing the person one loves at all sexually.
I hope all of this becomes a thing I forget:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I am very sorry this happened and I suspect him:her may understand what was lost as the result of this some day. The closest I have have had to a relationship with anybody in my life was a roommate. If I had somebody as caring in my life as you, I would have still needed to transition but I would have done everything I could to keep them in my life. People would do everything you did to try and hold this relationship together aren't as common as we like and I am currently posting with several people who wish they had somebody like you in their life instead of the person who is currently divorcing them. Take care of your self and you are welcome back anytime.

Thank you Dena, you are a wonderful lady :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hey Marie, I am so sorry and sad for what you are going through. You are a super strong woman and I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are going through right now.  It takes an amazing person to be able to stand by someone no matter what and I am pretty sure not many people will really understand everything and all the emotions that you have been through in this short period of time. I wish you all the best for the future, you really deserve it, and I hope that you manage to find peace for your heart and life as you truly deserve happiness in your life.

Huge big great hugs Tuyrar xxx

Quote from: Tuyrar on December 09, 2015, 05:37:20 PM
Hey Marie, I am so sorry and sad for what you are going through. You are a super strong woman and I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are going through right now.  It takes an amazing person to be able to stand by someone no matter what and I am pretty sure not many people will really understand everything and all the emotions that you have been through in this short period of time. I wish you all the best for the future, you really deserve it, and I hope that you manage to find peace for your heart and life as you truly deserve happiness in your life.

Huge big great hugs Tuyrar xxx

Thanks Tuyrar:) I hope things work out well for your partner and you:) I'm sure they will. Have you started helping him/her (not sure which pronoun to use) with makeup and clothes. I found it allot of fun to do that with my ex, and I found it a part of how,  I managed to gain acceptance of him changing.... And me being ok with it. If you haven't and your partner is open to it, I suggest to give it a whirl.
I have allot to organise now, primarily starting with my living arrangements. I hope to find some friends to enjoy my Xmas day with... But right now I'm equally happy to just let that one day roll over me whilst I sleep.
This is truly the hardest time I have ever had. I'm so angry but we all know that's just a cover for my heart tearing apart and grieving the man that once only wanted me.
My inner self of I'm not good enough for him now is ripped apart.
But on a positive note the new year is around the corner:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hey! I help them out with clothes and stuff, mainly because they need some style advice, haha.  I hope things work out for us, we are just taking each stage as it comes, or at least I am dealing with each new thing as it arises and hoping that I am strong enough to get through it.

You really need to understand that you are more than good enough, so few women stay with their partner through this crazy rollercoaster ride. If anyone sees you as not good enough then they are only seeing their own short-comings and insecurities.

I can only imagine your pain, and the devastation that comes from a situation like this. It is really hard to give up something that you have held onto and worked hard on for so long, I really understand that, but t doesn't make sense to hold onto something that isn't actually there.

Take this festive period to breath deep, spend time with friends or family and recharge your batteries. I am sure that you will pick up the pieces, rebuild your life and come back stronger than you ever were. xxx

Thanks Tuyrar:)
When I look at my entire thread, I can see how many times the goal post has been changed on me.
I personally am not happy that last night I got angry (after the open relationship discussion) and said some things to him:her that I don't mean. So for me to feel good, I'm going to apologise for anything I said last night. After that I have no need to discuss anything with him:her but finances.
I just cannot believe someone who used to love me and wanted me to stand by them would even think I would consider "open relationships". This has been very painful.
I am lucky I have a very good job and have been off work for two weeks nearly but am going back tomorrow to start moving my life into a direction of routine that I crave and need again.
A part of me wants to check he:she will be ok, but then another part tells me not to.
I care far to much... :(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hey Marie! You defiantly are a super caring person, but just now you need to care for, and put yourself first. I understand the feeling of wanting to get back into work and routine, but try not to put yourself down too much, this situation is not your fault, it is impossible to have a relationship with someone who is constantly moving the goalposts and who is not willing to make compromises. xxx

Thanks Tuyrar.
I'm feeling quite upset and slightly depressed.... Not sure why as I know I have to leave. I think more so for the amazing person I was once with....I'm not sure when this changed from not just a gender issue but a sexuality one to. I truly thought I could stay and be everything he:she needed....
I think it's because my dreams are shattered with him:her and the things he:her always told me feel so far from the truth now. Not a great entry into the festive season.
I'm feeling very raw.... Hopefully I will feel better soon:).
In a strange way I want to help him:her as I loved them for what was on the inside but I know I can't as I fear I will only get hurt.
I have been torturing myself all day and night, repeating those words he:her said to me about an open relationship and wondering how this could of happened to us:me:(

With being, as accepting as I was, I keep wondering what I could of done better to have been enough for him:her. This post thread shows me how much he:she changed on me in four weeks.... All whilst I was learning to accept loving a woman whole heartedly. It's quite soul destroying.
I'm obviously not coping to well:(

I need a memory erase pill! Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

FWIW, I have been reading this thread all along and posted in it once a while ago.  From what I can see you have done everything humanly possible for your partner and were repaid with a desire for an open relationship.  That is so wrong.  I may be old fashioned but no matter what else is going on marriage vows are sacrosanct. 

I hope you can soon find peace and happiness as you move beyond this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Deborah on December 10, 2015, 06:30:04 AM
FWIW, I have been reading this thread all along and posted in it once a while ago.  From what I can see you have done everything humanly possible for your partner and were repaid with a desire for an open relationship.  That is so wrong.  I may be old fashioned but no matter what else is going on marriage vows are sacrosanct. 

I hope you can soon find peace and happiness as you move beyond this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks Deborah:)
It means allot to me:) we weren't actually married as every time we got close to engagement "something" would come up as an excuse not to.

But we had our entire life's together all joint. I knew in my head he:she was all I ever needed in life, it's heartbreaking:(

I actually managed to sleep last night which is pretty surprising. But I woke up a few times feeling pretty empty and alone.

Only two weeks today till Xmas day.... My family are all travelling for Xmas and my parents live in the Gold Coast.

I thought about putting up my little Xmas tree this weekend just to give me some positive thoughts about the Christmas.

Hope you all have a happy day.
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi JamieJ

I have been following along with your progress now and am sadden to hear that you and your partner have split up. I have been out of touch the last couple of days so missed when it happened. I have to say I am totally blown away by the result.

Women with your sense of compassion and love are very hard to come across so in my book when you do find someone who is as caring supportive and understanding as you have been then making them part of your life should be a priority. For you to not to go screaming into the night, never to be seen again, after being told your partner is trans also takes a special kind of person. You have some very admirable qualities unfortunately your partner in this case is not going to be able to accommodate you in their new lives I would see that as their huge loss.

You asked at one point what you could have done to better. I find that quite cruel and hard on you, you did an amazing job just trying to understand and you were from what I could see very supportive. I am so sorry it has not worked out for you. I understand you have some real pain at the moment and I am pretty sure I would be feeling the same way.

Just on the "open relationship" idea, this was one of my wife's fears that I would transition and run off with a man and leave her alone. First and foremost I made a vow to her for the rest of my life, I have no intention of breaking that whatever my sexual orientation ends up. I think I would have difficulty with an open arrangement as well.

My wife and I fell in love literally at first site, moved in together 3 weeks later and have been together for 30 years...there is love at first site and there is someone out there for such an amazing person as you.

Sarah T

HI Sarah,

Thanks for your reply, it reduced me to tears, because it was so touching and I'm an emotional mess right now. Your wife's fears, were also mine, but unfortunately mine came part way true in discussion form, but I cannot stay put, as I know now that I will just get hurt.
I know in time I will get over this, as people say time heals everything. I also hope one day I find a person to have an amazing life with again and ultimately gain the family I so wish to have. I feel saddened this has happened as well, I don't know if I will truly ever understand, why things changed for him:her to suggest an open relationship in the future. I still can feel the pain I felt when he:her discussed it with me, I pray in time that pain will subside. I miss him (and her) like nothing I have ever felt before:(

Your are all amazing people. As I journey on in life, I will keep you all posted. To be honest this has opened my eyes up, and I would be more then happy to become an advocate of Trans Gender people in New Zealand, I may even in the future.
Marie x

awww Jamiej, your message was truly touching. Stay strong gurl. You deserve the best of everything in this life. big hugs. Chin up :)

Aww thanks Clara:) I spent allot of today wondering what I can do for TG in NZ. In someway I want to help advocate:) I guess that's what I got out of this xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on December 11, 2015, 03:21:03 AM
Aww thanks Clara:) I spent allot of today wondering what I can do for TG in NZ. In someway I want to help advocate:) I guess that's what I got out of this xx

Sounds like a great idea :) you totally should


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Marie, you truly are a wonderful person. Your partner was clearly blind to that otherwise they never would have made such a request. You make me feel like the world is a better place by reading your posts and messages.

Stay strong. We are all behind you here.

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 12, 2015, 09:41:01 PM
Marie, you truly are a wonderful person. Your partner was clearly blind to that otherwise they never would have made such a request. You make me feel like the world is a better place by reading your posts and messages.

Stay strong. We are all behind you here.

Aww thanks Jayne, you have been great through this entire process:)
I feel a wee bit better but I'm broken inside!
I love him:her like nothing I have felt before. As we are still in the same house, till we sell it or he:she buys me out... I'm wondering what it will be like without him:her.
She is here full time in the house now and I feel aweful leaving her behind:( but I know I have to put me first.... As hard as that is:(
I love him and her completely.... Very difficult.
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Merry Christmas to everyone who followed or read my post:)
You're all wonderful people, I feel so privileged to have spoken to so many of you. It has certainly opened my eyes up to transgender people.... I think you all should be so proud of being your true self.
Merry Christmas hope everyone's day was special:)
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on December 25, 2015, 04:53:55 PM
Merry Christmas to everyone who followed or read my post:)
You're all wonderful people, I feel so privileged to have spoken to so many of you. It has certainly opened my eyes up to transgender people.... I think you all should be so proud of being your true self.
Merry Christmas hope everyone's day was special:)
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Same to you  :)

Feel yourself hugged  :)

*hugs*

Quote from: Laura_7 on December 25, 2015, 06:26:28 PM

Same to you  :)

Feel yourself hugged  :)

*hugs*

Thanks Laura:) X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Consider yourself well and truly Hugged back

ElizabethK (Sarah T)

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 27, 2015, 03:02:04 PM
Consider yourself well and truly Hugged back

ElizabethK (Sarah T)

Thanks Elizabethk:)
I'm hopeful I will get to encounter more TG people in my real world... I just find you all so honest:) 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Today is New Year's Eve in NZ:) happy new year ladies, and again thank you all for opening my eyes to a world I knew nothing about but now fully accept.
I am going to continue following some of you:)
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on December 30, 2015, 05:58:49 PM
Today is New Year's Eve in NZ:) happy new year ladies, and again thank you all for opening my eyes to a world I knew nothing about but now fully accept.
I am going to continue following some of you:)
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I am actually one of your mob and came to Australia 30 years ago...there is nothing quite like a Kiwi New Years Eve party...Great to hear you sounding so good....have a hug and kiss for New Year hope your 2016 is fantastic for you and yours

Elizabeth K (Formerly Sarah T)

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 31, 2015, 12:34:12 AM
I am actually one of your mob and came to Australia 30 years ago...there is nothing quite like a Kiwi New Years Eve party...Great to hear you sounding so good....have a hug and kiss for New Year hope your 2016 is fantastic for you and yours

Elizabeth K (Formerly Sarah T)

Thanks fellow kiwi:)
Things have gone from bad to worse for me and I'm hurting like I have never before. I truly want it to go away. I feel like rubbish.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on January 07, 2016, 04:59:14 AM
Thanks fellow kiwi:)
Things have gone from bad to worse for me and I'm hurting like I have never before. I truly want it to go away. I feel like rubbish.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

*hugs*

Do you have a friend or a counselor you can talk to ?

What happened in the meantime ?
Maybe you want to write about it, often writing can help, and getting a clearer view...


*hugs*

I do have both.
I feel so messed up by this, one lie after the other.... All whilst I was still trying to help.
I shouldn't actually say this as I know that TG people have allot of shame in coming out and I understand that and I know that the lies are part of shame, I get that.

But it's the being hurt with one thing after the other. It's been like a hurricane of continuous pain!

I literally feel like broken mess now.
I care to much and I'm hurting so badly that I feel like I'm almost worth nothing now.
I tried so hard.....
:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on January 07, 2016, 05:23:14 AM
I do have both.
I feel so messed up by this, one lie after the other.... All whilst I was still trying to help.
I shouldn't actually say this as I know that TG people have allot of shame in coming out and I understand that and I know that the lies are part of shame, I get that.

But it's the being hurt with one thing after the other. It's been like a hurricane of continuous pain!

I literally feel like broken mess now.
I care to much and I'm hurting so badly that I feel like I'm almost worth nothing now.
I tried so hard.....
:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Well its not your fault.
Just do what you feel is right  *hugs*

You might also tell them about your emotions... that those lies hurt you...

maybe its necessary to show them that its old patterns and you do not want to continue in them...

And watch out for yourself... do a few things that make you feel good (within reason)...
that can be as simple things as having a bath or making a cup of tea...


*many hugs*

Thanks Laura.
But unfortunately, I'm always to blame and nothing else matters. They don't see what they have done this time is lies or even that the timing was wrong and it has caused me immense stress.
Thanks for caring. All I can do now is put back the pieces of myself, In some form.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on January 07, 2016, 11:21:01 AM
Thanks Laura.
But unfortunately, I'm always to blame and nothing else matters. They don't see what they have done this time is lies or even that the timing was wrong and it has caused me immense stress.
Thanks for caring. All I can do now is put back the pieces of myself, In some form.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

*hugs*

Hope you get better soon.

There is also the chat on susans if you want to mingle with others.

*hugs and a kiss on the cheek*

Quote from: jamiej on January 07, 2016, 11:21:01 AM
Thanks Laura.
But unfortunately, I'm always to blame and nothing else matters. They don't see what they have done this time is lies or even that the timing was wrong and it has caused me immense stress.
Thanks for caring. All I can do now is put back the pieces of myself, In some form.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Oh Jamie I feel quite sad for you as I have followed your thread for some time and I know how hard you have been trying. My wife is very supportive of me but I can still see she is prepared to waive her feeling in lieu of mine...not fair in my book, her/your feelings are just a valid.

From what I have read you have been nothing but supportive. I understand if your spouse is going through some rapid life changes as she discovers herself but it should not be at your expense...I can imagine there are any number of girls here who would love to have a partner who is willing to try as hard as you were/are.

Jamie you are good soul in my book and one of those rare individuals that can look past the Physical. You have every right to be upset and sick of the lies. I would hope your partner stopped all this once they came out. I do understand why she might tell you lies...although I certainly don't agree with it once all the cards are on the table.

I think you could do with some "Jamie Therapy" and by that I mean maybe its time you did some really nice stuff just for you...make yourself feel better.

I hope you find someone and anyone would be a better prson for having known you

Take care of yourself

Elizabeth K

Thanks Elizabeth:)
However we are no longer together, but I have stuck around wanting to help him/her out.
In the process my own soul has been destroyed and I truly feel broken apart now.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on January 07, 2016, 03:12:25 PM
Thanks Elizabeth:)
However we are no longer together, but I have stuck around wanting to help him/her out.
In the process my own soul has been destroyed and I truly feel broken apart now.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Is there someone you can spend some time with that will make you happy and you can talk too?? a girlfiend, brother , sister,...anyone? I don't think you are broken at all I think your a exceptional...please  please talk to someone we need as many people like you in the community with the kind of compassion and kindness you showed.

Take  care

I really do hope you are feeling better soon...easy to say I know, You still deserve to do something nice for yourself.

Elizabeth K

Quote from: ElizabethK on January 07, 2016, 03:18:34 PM
Is there someone you can spend some time with that will make you happy and you can talk too?? a girlfiend, brother , sister,...anyone? I don't think you are broken at all I think your a exceptional...please  please talk to someone we need as many people like you in the community with the kind of compassion and kindness you showed.

Take  care

I really do hope you are feeling better soon...easy to say I know, You still deserve to do something nice for yourself.

Elizabeth K

Thanks Elizabeth:)
I guess there is always two people to blame in a situation.
But this one has been one lie, hurt and pain after the other.
If I actually get through this, I will be surprised:(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

It takes two to make love and one to make war. I have seen nothing in your actions that indicates you were to blame. The unfortunate part of this is that you will be the one who will be hurt the worst. I think you can get through it but we both know the life you will be facing is vastly different than the one you had planed.

I don't think anybody who has been reading this thread will place any blame on you I think all of us who are married wish they had a spouse as understanding as you and we also feel your other half behaved very poorly. I would like to have some words that would help the hurt go away but there is nothing I can think of that can do that.

Take care of yourself and spend as much time as you can around others who do care for you. At times like this, company helps.

Thanks Dena:)
I feel I acted badly, I got upset when he told me he was TG, then freaked out when he told me he wanted to experiment with men in an open relationship, I yelled at him because of how much pain I was in. In between all this, I was loving and supportive. It was the revelations that freaked me out, I never stayed freaked out for longer then two days, over what has now been 10 weeks.
Then I found out he was talking to another woman when we are still in the same house and I was stupid enough to believe he wanted to work out who he was, I freaked out again.
I tried to help by dressing him, doing makeup, his eyebrows... I didn't actually mind him being a woman, my love was deeper then that.
Now he (or also he is a she) has taken off.
I'm hurt and in pain and I fear this will all end badly for us financially with assets.
There is really only so much I can take.... Yesterday was the last straw.
I feel so broken apart.
I'm going to have to enlist some serious help to gain my confidence back.
I even got to the stage a few weeks back where I considered letting him/her experiment with other men so he/she could find themselves.... I don't know what I was thinking.
I feel right now I love him/ her more then myself and it's a horrible feeling.
I need to somehow gain my self respect back:(
Marie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Marie,

I just quickly read through this thread for the first time today- and I feel really bad for your loss of your SO who you had hoped would be your husband and the one you would have children with. Unfortunately she who was he is not faithful to your relationship and I don't know what else you could have done.

You, however, have developed many friends here I think and you can at least use your horrible experience as a spring board to help build better relationships in this world with people who are different and have problems being accepted by much of the larger, dominant society. We truly appreciate your kind spirit and wish for you to find real love and happiness in your life going forward! Hopefully you'll stick around here, it's great to have your perspective herel

Love,
Denali

Quote from: DenaliBe on January 07, 2016, 07:02:16 PM
Hi Marie,

I just quickly read through this thread for the first time today- and I feel really bad for your loss of your SO who you had hoped would be your husband and the one you would have children with. Unfortunately she who was he is not faithful to your relationship and I don't know what else you could have done.

You, however, have developed many friends here I think and you can at least use your horrible experience as a spring board to help build better relationships in this world with people who are different and have problems being accepted by much of the larger, dominant society. We truly appreciate your kind spirit and wish for you to find real love and happiness in your life going forward! Hopefully you'll stick around here, it's great to have your perspective herel

Love,
Denali

Thank you:)
I wish both of our behaviours during revelations, had of been different... But they weren't!
I enjoy knowing more about TG people and I have said awhile back, I would happily advocate for TG in the future if I somehow could get involved in a community.
I hope that He/she gets lots of support through a group community to.

Slowly I will piece my life back together.
M
X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on January 07, 2016, 07:18:59 PM
Thank you:)
I wish both of our behaviours during revelations, had of been different... But they weren't!
I enjoy knowing more about TG people and I have said awhile back, I would happily advocate for TG in the future if I somehow could get involved in a community.
I hope that He/she gets lots of support through a group community to.

Slowly I will piece my life back together.
M
X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

If it is not too much of a strain for you, you could read a few postings and give some helpful advice. It might give you a good feeling, and a feel of being helpful. It could also raise your self confidence.

I'd say watch out for yourself... do a few things you like... try to relax..

If there are things that anger you, you might as standard reaction try to count to ten...
or take a few deep breaths...
and trying not to fuel it by lashing back but sticking to facts, and stating your needs and emotions... without getting too loud :)
Firm but polite  :)

So you have a feeling you have learned something :)

Its not your fault imo, its like a pattern between people... breaking out of it and not lashing out while watching ones needs might help...

I wish you a nice wekend...
and as said there is a chat...

and well... don't be too sad, often circumstances are much better quite some time afterwards...
often in a way people would not have imagined...


*hugs*

Quote from: Laura_7 on January 08, 2016, 08:08:35 AM
If it is not too much of a strain for you, you could read a few postings and give some helpful advice. It might give you a good feeling, and a feel of being helpful. It could also raise your self confidence.

I'd say watch out for yourself... do a few things you like... try to relax..

If there are things that anger you, you might as standard reaction try to count to ten...
or take a few deep breaths...
and trying not to fuel it by lashing back but sticking to facts, and stating your needs and emotions... without getting too loud :)
Firm but polite  :)

So you have a feeling you have learned something :)

Its not your fault imo, its like a pattern between people... breaking out of it and not lashing out while watching ones needs might help...

I wish you a nice wekend...
and as said there is a chat...

and well... don't be too sad, often circumstances are much better quite some time afterwards...
often in a way people would not have imagined...


*hugs*

Hi Laura:)
I think giving some helpful advice is a good idea actually:)
Thanks for all your support:) xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hello,
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. But is there anyone from Auckland New Zealand on this site, that knows where the TG support groups are? When I look them up via Google I just came across agender.org.nz with no real advice on support groups.
Thanks in advance.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I did  some poking around on the internet and found a couple of links that might be what you are looking for or they may be able to get you in contact with the type of group you are after. It appears most of these groups keep a pretty low profile on the web and they are a little hard to dig out.

http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/about/
https://www.auckland.ac.nz/en/about/eo-equity-office/eo-information-for-students/eo-information-for-students-information-for-students-and-staff-LGBTI.html

Awww thank you so much Dena:) I have found it really hard to find any TG groups in AKL nz and I would like to pass some through to my ex.... Because I care a heap:)
Will check these links out:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

HI All,
The day finally came last week for our house to go to Auction...and it sold! Quite a devastating moment for at least the first 5 mins as I realized that my entire last 3 years has come shattering down around me.
Then on Saturday I moved out, the house doesn't actual settle until April, but I had found a place to go so I moved.
Now I feel like I am right back at square one, but the context is different. I named this thread, "I feel Lost" and thats about how I feel right now.
I have spent the last hour reading through my thread, and realize all the things I have been through the last 3 months and I"m still here.
I have learnt so much about Transgender people through this process and I now have a deep feeling of wanting to help and support.

I miss my best friend so much, I wish we had of worked through it and both been more open to discuss things as they went rather then how we spent the first 4 weeks after coming out to me...hurting each other.
I'm not sure what hurts more now...being apart or what happened back then... I know I have become a far more open person...in some ways its even challenged my own inside beliefs and things I believed I thought strongly about who I am.
Continuing to support her is so important to me...but I"m scared that she will forget me, and anything I did to assist in the beginning...I"m obviously terrified of losing her and not being a part of her transition. ... is it even possible to care about someone this much after what we have been through.
One thing is clear to me now, that wasn't at the beginning...she could be turning into an alien and it wouldn't' change how I care/feel for her.
x

*hugs*
You have been through a lot ...
I'd say be happy for who you are..

well you might try to support your friend while still watching out for yourself...

and yes its good to support others, it can give you a good feeling...

I'd say be cheerful ... you can start now with things you feel make you happy...
look forwards and listen to your heart, what brings you joy ...


many *hugs* 

This is not the ending I hoped for but it's not the ending I feared. Often life gives us what we don't expect and that's what happened here. I hope you continue to remain with us but what ever happens I wish you the best.

Quote from: Dena on February 24, 2016, 08:14:29 PM
This is not the ending I hoped for but it's not the ending I feared. Often life gives us what we don't expect and that's what happened here. I hope you continue to remain with us but what ever happens I wish you the best.

.

Hi Laura and Dena:)
Thank you so much..... I am definitely staying around on Susan's, I get so much out of it:)
Funny how things progress... As I say she could be an alien and it wouldn't change my feelings for her, I have really worked out what true love is on my side. I treasure that at 38... I know what true love feels like. Regardless of where I'm/we are at right now.

I'm going okay right now, had a terribly sad day yesterday but I'm alittle better today!

I find this image today online... I like it.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fuploads.tapatalk-cdn.com%2F20160225%2Fbb46ae4adff7bd5f34e3e9c004a0e04b.jpg&hash=828bf44b8444a3d0f1db48c8616c179fc614c0b4)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

sorry

Quote from: stephaniec on February 24, 2016, 09:56:37 PM
sorry

Thanks:)
It's kind of ok.... She has remained my best friend...
Hard still the same:(
I have followed allot of your posts Stephanie and have found you very interesting:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Thanks

Quote from: jamiej on February 24, 2016, 10:02:41 PM
Thanks:)
It's kind of ok.... She has remained my best friend...
Hard still the same:(
I have followed allot of your posts Stephanie and have found you very interesting:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

The Tshirt is nice :)
I also like the colour  :)

Well you could make a few helpful posts...

and do you have a few friends you could hang out with, and do a few things to gie you a few new thoughts?
What would you always have liked to do and never were able to do ?
Learning a new language ... starting painting ... learning to cook a certain way ...

maybe its time to try one or two new things ?


many *hugs*

Quote from: Laura_7 on February 25, 2016, 03:56:04 PM
The Tshirt is nice :)
I also like the colour  :)

Well you could make a few helpful posts...

and do you have a few friends you could hang out with, and do a few things to gie you a few new thoughts?
What would you always have liked to do and never were able to do ?
Learning a new language ... starting painting ... learning to cook a certain way ...

maybe its time to try one or two new things ?


many *hugs*

A few helpful posts is a great idea:)

I'm going to do a sailing course to learn how to sail solo.... Quite scary! :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on February 25, 2016, 06:31:10 PM
A few helpful posts is a great idea:)

I'm going to do a sailing course to learn how to sail solo.... Quite scary! :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

You have kept your sense of humour :)

Keep it up, its what people like and what attracts other people  :)

Sailing isnt that difficult imo :)


*hugs*

It's been awhile since I have posted in my own thread.
I'm having the worse Easter as it is here in New Zealand.
I went away with friends and most of the time in between trying to put on a very brave face I couldn't stop thinking about my trans friend (my now ex partner).
I wish I knew back in November/December what I know now.
Then maybe things might not have worked out how they did.
I feel I over reacted to her when she came out of trans. For a number of reasons, I was worried about what others may think (friends and family) I was worried about if I could be intimate with him as a her and worried about myself primarily.... But a good part about others and their thoughts.
Since January I realised none of this mattered and I love her for who she was... A pair of boobs and a possible removal of the male genitals seems like nothing to me now without this person as my partner, the person I shared all things with little or big.
I miss her as that special someone... Even with us still being close... It hurts so much... I wish I had of taken the time back then to figure all this out.
Now it's to late and it hurts like hell. I feel devastated that I won't be the person she gets to explore her new life and body with. One thing this as shown me is to consider things before ending things... I hope if any other SO read this they take the time to think about things deeply first.
My situation is now far from ideal... Yes I have have a deep respect for trans people... But I wish I could turn the clock back on my own situation.
Life is not the same without her around all the time. I miss her so much:(
This all sounds quite sad doesn't it... But it's my true feelings:(
It's certainly a very hard dark day. I guess this is what you call loving someone for who they are and gender doesn't play a factor in it.
X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I'm so sorry you are having such a sad day. I hope you feel better soon.

Jayne

*hugs*

As you describe it it was not only you.
It was both of your fears playing into each other.

What do you feel would be a good thing now ?

Trying to start anew ?

With them ?
Or do you feel you would like something different ...
what would you really like ?


*hugs*

Quote from: Laura_7 on March 27, 2016, 05:19:20 AM
*hugs*

As you describe it it was not only you.
It was both of your fears playing into each other.

What do you feel would be a good thing now ?

Trying to start anew ?

With them ?
Or do you feel you would like something different ...
what would you really like ?


*hugs*

Hi Laura:)
To be honest I would like to start again, with the knowledge he is turning into a her and going into it open minded to that with her.
I have spent since December thinking... Maybe the feeling of love would pass... But it hasn't.
Although now, I think the pain we went through, there is no hope left to be together.. On her side.
I'm big on, I don't care now what others think.
Gosh I wish I knew allot more back in November/December:(
X

Quote from: jamiej on November 10, 2015, 01:53:55 PM
HI All,
thanks for all your replies I really appreciate them. NO matter what happens I would stand by him, I"m unsure yet what this will entail if as his partner or as his friend. I know for me having a family is very important, I wish to be a mum. I have tried to encourage him to open up more, so he said he will. He's not sure yet whether this is just cross dressing or taking it to full female and I'm not sure how I feel about the extreme. I have found him a gender counsellor to go to, and I hope that will help. thanks again all x

I went back to the start of this thread to see how soon I became involved and I spotted this post. I think you did pretty much everything that was possible for you to do. We all have things go wrong in life that we think we could fix if we had a do over. Maybe we could or maybe events would still play out the same way. My memory of this thread is of somebody who made a real effort but the price of staying together became very high. For relationships to work, both sides need to contribute and I think you did your share.

Quote from: Dena on March 29, 2016, 09:12:58 PM
I went back to the start of this thread to see how soon I became involved and I spotted this post. I think you did pretty much everything that was possible for you to do. We all have things go wrong in life that we think we could fix if we had a do over. Maybe we could or maybe events would still play out the same way. My memory of this thread is of somebody who made a real effort but the price of staying together became very high. For relationships to work, both sides need to contribute and I think you did your share.

thanks Dena:)
Its strange how things progress, back then I was okay with him cross dressing but nothing more. Now I"M okay with a full blown transition.
But the children thing has not changed for me :)

Quote from: jamiej on March 27, 2016, 05:52:30 PM
Hi Laura:)
To be honest I would like to start again, with the knowledge he is turning into a her and going into it open minded to that with her.
I have spent since December thinking... Maybe the feeling of love would pass... But it hasn't.
Although now, I think the pain we went through, there is no hope left to be together.. On her side.
I'm big on, I don't care now what others think.
Gosh I wish I knew allot more back in November/December:(
X

Well as Dena said you did a lot. And its possible you had restraints then you simply could not get over.
No ned to cry over spilt milk.

I' say think a bit about what you would like to have ... don't say no too soon ...
maybe a good solution comes up ...


*hugs*

Quote from: Laura_7 on March 30, 2016, 05:02:53 AM
Well as Dena said you did a lot. And its possible you had restraints then you simply could not get over.
No ned to cry over spilt milk.

I' say think a bit about what you would like to have ... don't say no too soon ...
maybe a good solution comes up ...


*hugs*

Hi Laura
I agree:) I feel okay about things this morning:) the future is always unknown and I can be so thankful for how much so far I have grown as a person:) my love for her has grown immensely, but my love for myself has grown immensely as well:)
Have a great day everyone:) X

Quote from: jamiej on March 30, 2016, 12:59:36 PM
Hi Laura
I agree:) I feel okay about things this morning:) the future is always unknown and I can be so thankful for how much so far I have grown as a person:) my love for her has grown immensely, but my love for myself has grown immensely as well:)
Have a great day everyone:) X

Have a *hug*

Dear X,

I just read through your thread for the first time today. I just have to say what an amazing person you are. I am so sorry such a good person has had to go through such a difficult time. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 31, 2016, 04:37:38 PM
Dear X,

I just read through your thread for the first time today. I just have to say what an amazing person you are. I am so sorry such a good person has had to go through such a difficult time. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
Moni

Thanks Moni:) X

Jamie (Marie)

I just wanted to say that I read through almost this entire thread and so many of the feelings you felt are similar to mine.my boyfriend recently came out to me That he was wanting to become a woman. This is the person that I thought I would be spending my life with as we have talked so much about marriage and family. I've been struggling a lot with so many changes happening so quickly. My boyfriend was always very masculine so I never expected this to happen. I thought he would be ok with doing this sometimes but I think he wants to transition more. As someone in the medical profession/ someone with a lot of science background I do believe people being trans is a very real thing and it is not a choice- I think it may even have to do with development changes that happen in the womb.

I've always been a heterosexual woman but for some reason, even though I'm not attracted to women- I am still attracted to him. I love him so deeply that I think I can overcome this and love him even if it means I have to appear like a lesbian in the future.

I guess one thing I am struggling with is the loss of how I remembered him before. I also struggle with wondering how we will work out some things in the future . Sometimes it also feels like  our future together was something that was so was important to him but now it seems like becoming a woman is the most important thing .  He told me the day he met me he was the best day of his life but now he says the first day he could be a woman was the best day of his life . Money or things he didn't want to spend before on  are suddenly ok. It probably sounds so selfish because I want him/her to be happy and live his life how he wants but does anyone else struggle with feeling like as a significant other that you are thrown to the wayside during all of this? I guess in some ways I feel resentment and like I'm not enough for him anymore.  I also feel like I have a lot of questions for him but when I ask , even if sometimes I need that repeated reassurance that he gets angry at me.

Let me be clear- I've thought a lot about things and I want to see this through because we still want all of the same things together. I just am struggling because just as i am supporting him in transition I need support too. I want to feel like my changing my future life completely in order for us to be happy together matters to him too. So many of you that post about staying married for years even after transition give me so much hope. I guess I am so scared of losing him - and I want him in my life even if he becomes a she- because she will still be beautiful to me. I just need time and help to cope. Does anyone have any suggestions or any books I can read? I can only find ones about parents of trans...  Sorry if this post is all over the place..

Quote from: gnb984 on April 24, 2016, 04:41:40 PM
Does anyone have any suggestions or any books I can read? I can only find ones about parents of trans...  Sorry if this post is all over the place..

You could have a look here:

http://www.amazon.com/Significant-Other-View-Julie-Freeman/dp/1493568213

and here:

http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Kin-Family-Friends-Transgender-People/dp/0615630677

http://www.transohio.org/?page_id=456

you might look for a counselor yourself...
and it may be possible there are support groups for SO of transgender people ...


*hugs*

Thanks a bunch

Quote from: gnb984 on April 24, 2016, 04:41:40 PM
Jamie (Marie)

I just wanted to say that I read through almost this entire thread and so many of the feelings you felt are similar to mine.my boyfriend recently came out to me That he was wanting to become a woman. This is the person that I thought I would be spending my life with as we have talked so much about marriage and family. I've been struggling a lot with so many changes happening so quickly. My boyfriend was always very masculine so I never expected this to happen. I thought he would be ok with doing this sometimes but I think he wants to transition more. As someone in the medical profession/ someone with a lot of science background I do believe people being trans is a very real thing and it is not a choice- I think it may even have to do with development changes that happen in the womb.

I've always been a heterosexual woman but for some reason, even though I'm not attracted to women- I am still attracted to him. I love him so deeply that I think I can overcome this and love him even if it means I have to appear like a lesbian in the future.

I guess one thing I am struggling with is the loss of how I remembered him before. I also struggle with wondering how we will work out some things in the future . Sometimes it also feels like  our future together was something that was so was important to him but now it seems like becoming a woman is the most important thing .  He told me the day he met me he was the best day of his life but now he says the first day he could be a woman was the best day of his life . Money or things he didn't want to spend before on  are suddenly ok. It probably sounds so selfish because I want him/her to be happy and live his life how he wants but does anyone else struggle with feeling like as a significant other that you are thrown to the wayside during all of this? I guess in some ways I feel resentment and like I'm not enough for him anymore.  I also feel like I have a lot of questions for him but when I ask , even if sometimes I need that repeated reassurance that he gets angry at me.

Let me be clear- I've thought a lot about things and I want to see this through because we still want all of the same things together. I just am struggling because just as i am supporting him in transition I need support too. I want to feel like my changing my future life completely in order for us to be happy together matters to him too. So many of you that post about staying married for years even after transition give me so much hope. I guess I am so scared of losing him - and I want him in my life even if he becomes a she- because she will still be beautiful to me. I just need time and help to cope. Does anyone have any suggestions or any books I can read? I can only find ones about parents of trans...  Sorry if this post is all over the place..

Hi:)
I can completely see where you are coming from. You obviously love him despite gender:)
I am the same, although I wasn't to start with!
My biggest suggestion to you right now, is to remain calm, whilst being honest and open to yourself and to your partner. Talk talk talk and communicate together!
Read up on as many things as you can, whilst exploring other parts of this forum. I believe Jenny boylan wife wrote a book, it might be called she is no longer my husband. I'm not exactly sure on the title:)

Your question about be thrown to the wayside, was slightly turn for me last year. I don't believe the trans person does it on purpose. I think that finally they have it off their chest and need to start to explore and possibly forget about the SO for awhile. *no offence to anyone*
Please gain support for yourself... This is a very hard time for you as well! You will have a tonne of questions.. I remember asking a tonne sometimes repeat ones and I would get a grumpy answer back to! I think it's because they genuinely don't know the answer yet. But it's hard on you... I know that feeling! Hugs:)
Keep talking, I wish you the best of luck:) keep me posted X

HI All,

I thought I would post an update to my situation which in turn may encourage other Significant others to possibly live in the moment.

This is purely based on my journey and in no way is a way to suggest others on what to do. Allot of lovely people have in the last 10 months read my post and helped me in so many ways.

Allot has happened, my ex partner, who I love and adore still to this day, came out to me in November last year. We both behaved badly in some way when the outing took place, there was allot of lies and hurt from both of us. We sold our house, separated our lives and lost our joint dreams together. Since then we have both purchased another house and in some way we have both had healing time as well. One thing has become more and more obvious to me as time has gone one, I love my special someone regardless of gender and that wont change. WE are still best friends, do I wish it was more, I do...I do not have the heart to let her know this, as I feel I would be interfering on her own discovery and exploring time of herself, which I know I wouldn't be, as I too have learnt the art of personal space, even while together.  I think about letting her know often but I guess I'm scared I will lost her all together as well. I do still hope someday our dreams will come back together, even if she ends up a fulltime woman...as that would be okay with me!
I thought that in time my feelings would become less but they haven't! I to have had plenty of time to explore my own feelings and inside emotions and I can say I am a new person, still the same person, but the TG stuff has changed my life as well for the better. I have had to explore parts of my emotions and soul that I may not have had to do otherwise. I had to challenge myself to look at my feelings for someone, and for myself, ultimately I took a good look at how I view the world and ultimately how I manage my responses to things around me. I didn't like everything I saw in myself and have taken active steps to better myself as a person and ultimately for the first time in my life I feel content in myself as a person.
The real message is, this entire journey I feel has shaped my life and ultimately provided me the challenge I needed to look at myself as well. Who would of thought this, back in November!

My ex partner has had plenty of counselling and therapy and has since come to the conclusion she is gender fluid. The news was hard for me at the time, as the reason we first separated in my eyes, was because I was scared that he would change into a her and what would people think of me! All of those fears diminished over the last 9 months and I realized she could turn into an alien and it wouldn't matter to me, I loved her as a person. If she needs to go further down the track in the future, I would now fully support her without all the fear I had in the beginning.   The entire journey I think has made us understand each other much better and realise when we were together, we were not operating as the best people we could be, and how could we ever have been the best we could be, when the TG stuff was not out in the open.  I now have fun, buying her outfits and feeling she is authentic with me. I used to worry so much in life about everything, and now I have realized, there is no point worrying, enjoy everyday and live it as most things I worry about never actually take place.
I feel like a different person and I turly believe this journey I have been on the last 10 months has been the contributing factor too that feeling.
Thanks to all who have supported me. If you're a SO currently going through a hard time, remember to look after yourself first, keep calm and make decisions in a rational state.
Thanks to this website to opening up my mind, heart and soul!
Marie

That's a tough story, I can relate, having gone through a different path as the transitioning partner. Suzanne and I have been involved for 18 years, polyamorous from the start (practically speaking monogamous for much of the time since how much time do busy people have?).

I've also been trans for the entire time, have never presented as anything but femme attired in bed. I was also working my way through understanding myself and whether I needed SRS as we were both working out how to live our first long term non-monogamous relationships.

She was, from the start quite negative on any sort of physical transition, whether HRT  or SRS and while taking responsibility for choosing 16 years ago not to pursue that path, her views which didn't leave much room for discussion had an influence on my feeling in the one hand 'fake' for living as a part time cross dresser and on the other hand always feeling the tug of wanting to be female full time.

Knowing her feelings and being in 4 years of dealing - or not dealing at first - with a return to severe depression when I decided I have no choice to begin transition i didn't discuss it with my partner. I needed to evaluate how estrogen HRT felt without having the relationship talk to deal with at the same time and I knew it would take at a minimum a month for anything to show.

The first ten days on estrogen felt like a month or more, not feeling able to to talk with my best friend. Heres the nut: I did tell her less than two weeks in because it was so clear that estrogen had a profound effect on my mental outlook. For better or worse her response was exactly what I expected, quite negative, concerned for social appearances and not wanting to be in a lesbian relationship, also pretty quick to say "she didn't want to be the bitch that held me back".

We're in a better place now, she's seeing a relationship that may be less sexual and since we're fundamentally poly that may not be a problem long run.

So, back to you, it's not clear to me, has she in fact been seeing other people romantically? I ask because you both went through this period in a very short time and it seems clear you're having regrets.

For me, discovery that I'm fundamentally feminine inside came alongside realizing a lot of other things about myself, being poly came shortly before, as did realization that I could be bisexual. I think it's not unusual for a few things to change at once. As a scientist I hate that; you want to change only one variable at a time. As a human, I accept that it's harder to isolate one part of my life from another (and some people compartmentalize better than others).

Best wishes, I'm glad you still have her in your life, sorry to hear that it's in a difficult way.

Quote from: SadieBlake on August 12, 2016, 07:38:06 AM
That's a tough story, I can relate, having gone through a different path as the transitioning partner. Suzanne and I have been involved for 18 years, polyamorous from the start (practically speaking monogamous for much of the time since how much time do busy people have?).

I've also been trans for the entire time, have never presented as anything but femme attired in bed. I was also working my way through understanding myself and whether I needed SRS as we were both working out how to live our first long term non-monogamous relationships.

She was, from the start quite negative on any sort of physical transition, whether HRT  or SRS and while taking responsibility for choosing 16 years ago not to pursue that path, her views which didn't leave much room for discussion had an influence on my feeling in the one hand 'fake' for living as a part time cross dresser and on the other hand always feeling the tug of wanting to be female full time.

Knowing her feelings and being in 4 years of dealing - or not dealing at first - with a return to severe depression when I decided I have no choice to begin transition i didn't discuss it with my partner. I needed to evaluate how estrogen HRT felt without having the relationship talk to deal with at the same time and I knew it would take at a minimum a month for anything to show.

The first ten days on estrogen felt like a month or more, not feeling able to to talk with my best friend. Heres the nut: I did tell her less than two weeks in because it was so clear that estrogen had a profound effect on my mental outlook. For better or worse her response was exactly what I expected, quite negative, concerned for social appearances and not wanting to be in a lesbian relationship, also pretty quick to say "she didn't want to be the bitch that held me back".

We're in a better place now, she's seeing a relationship that may be less sexual and since we're fundamentally poly that may not be a problem long run.

So, back to you, it's not clear to me, has she in fact been seeing other people romantically? I ask because you both went through this period in a very short time and it seems clear you're having regrets.

For me, discovery that I'm fundamentally feminine inside came alongside realizing a lot of other things about myself, being poly came shortly before, as did realization that I could be bisexual. I think it's not unusual for a few things to change at once. As a scientist I hate that; you want to change only one variable at a time. As a human, I accept that it's harder to isolate one part of my life from another (and some people compartmentalize better than others).

Best wishes, I'm glad you still have her in your life, sorry to hear that it's in a difficult way.

Hi:)
Thanks for your reply, I enjoyed (if I can say that) reading your story.

I'm not sure if she has had romantic partners since we separated our lives. I haven't, I still dream about it with her, as strange as that sounds!
I am having regrets definitely! In the past and my entire life I have been alittle bit like a bull to a gate when times are hard and don't handle them well. There was fault on both sides when it all came out. I was hurt he was the most amazing person who I admired and adored.. Also the first person I have ever wanted to stay with and remain faithful too! A big change for me! I loved him!
But as time went on the last 10 months I have realised it wasn't him I loved it was her soul, and if she ended up in a female body I would of embraced that fully.
She did at one time after coming out initiate a conversation about possibly her being able to try sexually with a man.
We have only ever been monogamous together. I flipped out as most would I suspect. As time has gone on and I have taken the time to understand I think I would now be ok with this. Too late now to be honest.
It might read like I'm prepared to sacrifice but it's actually that I have learnt that everyone is different and that includes relationships.
I have learnt so much about myself and it wouldn't of happened without this trans journey.
All I wish for now is for her and me to be happy in someway!
I think that now that she sees herself as gender fluid she may still have a very long journey of discovery to go.
Marie X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I understand that this is hard for you and you are doing the right thing go to see someone that can help you to understand what is going on. When I met my wife she told me before we met in person me myself I don't care what gender she is I will love her for as long as she will let me I support her there is nothing that will change that there are some medical problems with her back but I am there for her as much as I can and as for you being there for your partner is all you can do the support that you give them is worth more to them than you could ever know and it will make life much easier for the both of you. Where the is love there is undestanding

Quote from: phillip68 on August 15, 2016, 10:13:32 AM
I understand that this is hard for you and you are doing the right thing go to see someone that can help you to understand what is going on. When I met my wife she told me before we met in person me myself I don't care what gender she is I will love her for as long as she will let me I support her there is nothing that will change that there are some medical problems with her back but I am there for her as much as I can and as for you being there for your partner is all you can do the support that you give them is worth more to them than you could ever know and it will make life much easier for the both of you. Where the is love there is undestanding

Thanks Phillip:)
It's actually over now, we separated in December and I finally had the courage to let her know on Sunday how I feel about her:)
She doesn't feel the same, there is now nothing more I can do to let her see how I feel.
Our life at times was hard, other times we were floating on air together, but I think with the freedom of no secrets and the understanding of emotions and behaviour we could of been amazing:) relationships are about understanding, support and trust. Our connection is there for sure. I have changed to be honest this journey has helped me, I think she has changed as well. But she feels we didn't work out back then and that's our chance gone. I feel differently, our love was strong our personalities get on we enjoy the same type of things and some individual ones as well, my soul smiles when we're together (I believe she is the one) we just needed to grow as people and both learn somethings... I feel we have learnt so much in the last 10 months. I had my faults to that I have worked on:) It's been heartbreaking I haven't felt this connected to someone, but I can't keep trying for something when she doesn't feel the same. I can't do anything more. Things have been hard for me since Sunday.

I will still stick around this forum to help others.
Marie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk