Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: zog on November 10, 2015, 06:55:01 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Post-passing depression and anxiety
Post by: zog on November 10, 2015, 06:55:01 AM
Post by: zog on November 10, 2015, 06:55:01 AM
I started to pass fairly consistently last summer and even though there have been slight dips in the progress since, the curve has been trending upwards and I'm pretty confident when going out and about these days, assuming that I'll be gendered female. It's not 100%, but it seems that I'm at a point where even if it isn't, people do switch if I tell them I'm a woman.
This all being extremely positive and wanted. But still, the massive changes in my life that this has brought has also brought on depression and anxiety.
The most major thing at the moment seems to be that even though my medical transition is still in progress to a large extent, I seem to finally have some kind of a relationship with my body. And at the tender age of 31, this has brought all kinds of fears about it. Finally being truly aware and in cooperation with my body, I'm suddenly extremely aware of its potential to totally fail at any point.
This is exacerbated by the fact that I have a tendinitis in my knee. Completely harmless and should clear on its own, but somehow this has become the symbol of how mortally deficient this body can be. It was to the point where I was so scared that I didn't dare to count on the fact that I'd be alive by next week. Fortunately that has passed. I think a contributing factor in it is that when I started hormones last year, I was hypervigilant about my legs because of the slight increase in blood clots, which I know I've passed several months ago and I even stopped thinking about for quite some while.
But in any case, on an intellectual level I am completely aware that my angst about my legs is just a mental straw man. It's about suddenly having a life that's actually worth living and sticking around for and I fear that I can't handle it or that something happens and takes it away from me. And of course the irony is that these feelings are precisely the thing that is currently taking it away.
I know a lot of trans folk AFK, so I do know these kind of feelings are extremely common among people who consider themselves "post-process". (I even know a couple of people who had to spend some time in mental hospitals to deal with it.) I had even mentally started to prepare myself for it to at least lessen the blow, but it took me completely by surprise that it happened at this stage of the show. Because I know that I most certainly haven't reached "post" status in any respect. That's why I tentatively use the term post-passing since that seems to have been the trigger.
This all being extremely positive and wanted. But still, the massive changes in my life that this has brought has also brought on depression and anxiety.
The most major thing at the moment seems to be that even though my medical transition is still in progress to a large extent, I seem to finally have some kind of a relationship with my body. And at the tender age of 31, this has brought all kinds of fears about it. Finally being truly aware and in cooperation with my body, I'm suddenly extremely aware of its potential to totally fail at any point.
This is exacerbated by the fact that I have a tendinitis in my knee. Completely harmless and should clear on its own, but somehow this has become the symbol of how mortally deficient this body can be. It was to the point where I was so scared that I didn't dare to count on the fact that I'd be alive by next week. Fortunately that has passed. I think a contributing factor in it is that when I started hormones last year, I was hypervigilant about my legs because of the slight increase in blood clots, which I know I've passed several months ago and I even stopped thinking about for quite some while.
But in any case, on an intellectual level I am completely aware that my angst about my legs is just a mental straw man. It's about suddenly having a life that's actually worth living and sticking around for and I fear that I can't handle it or that something happens and takes it away from me. And of course the irony is that these feelings are precisely the thing that is currently taking it away.
I know a lot of trans folk AFK, so I do know these kind of feelings are extremely common among people who consider themselves "post-process". (I even know a couple of people who had to spend some time in mental hospitals to deal with it.) I had even mentally started to prepare myself for it to at least lessen the blow, but it took me completely by surprise that it happened at this stage of the show. Because I know that I most certainly haven't reached "post" status in any respect. That's why I tentatively use the term post-passing since that seems to have been the trigger.
Title: Re: Post-passing depression and anxiety
Post by: iKate on November 11, 2015, 07:05:32 PM
Post by: iKate on November 11, 2015, 07:05:32 PM
Well I'm "post passing" as they call it. I am gendered female 100% of the time. Yes I do have anxiety because of life in general. Funny how it works when gender dysphoria is gone and other stuff takes its place.
Title: Re: Post-passing depression and anxiety
Post by: April_TO on November 11, 2015, 08:40:24 PM
Post by: April_TO on November 11, 2015, 08:40:24 PM
I can totally relate to this post. I'm now worried about myriad of things which is called life.
Be strong babe, we are a witness to an older generation of women on this site that's living their lives fulfilled xo
Be strong babe, we are a witness to an older generation of women on this site that's living their lives fulfilled xo