Susan's Place Transgender Resources

There's an abundance of information out there about physical transition but I rarely see anything about mental or emotional transition.  My experiences thus far tell me this is far more important than physical transition.  Yes, physical transition will allow us to assimilate easier into society in our chosen gender but if that's all you concentrate on you'll most likely find yourself still struggling with issues from your past.

Right now I'd say I've almost completed my mental and emotional transition.  The doubts, the shame, the guilt are all gone.  I am very much at peace with myself and with my decision to complete the journey.  When I picture myself fully transitioned in the physical sense I see a very happy well-adjusted woman.  But I don't always see that in others who have completed the physical journey. 

Sandy and I had dinner Saturday and we talked about this.  I think sometimes many of us get blinded by our need to appear to society in our chosen gender that we race through the physical process and ignore the need to be at peace with our decision first.  Depression often follows and you're soon back in therapy.

There's no way for others to determine if someone has transitioned mentally or to what degree.  Only that person truly knows.  And often we can fool ourselves into thinking we are ready when in fact all we're really focusing on is making our shell match our soul so that we'll be accepted in society as the person we see ourselves as.  But if that's what's happening, isn't that really looking for outside approval in hopes of making us feel better inside?  I've never known anyone to be truly happy when the source of their happiness comes only from exterior sources.  That's why, to me. mental and emotional transition is something we all need to do before we complete the physical journey.

Julie

Julie,
  You are so right. We need the mental transtion more that the physical. I would not have transitioned if I was not mentally OK with it. It is a lot more mental than physical and there are no guidelines to that. You can see a therapist all you want and you can con them into believing you. When it comes right down to it, you have to be mentally ready for the change. Some of us have physical features that can not be changed, but that is small compared to your mental state. That is why I am not afraid of being out and people knowing who I am. My mental state is very secure and I put that on people who are around me. I'm not a secretive person but a secure person and that is what you have to be. If you are not secure with your transitioning process you will be depressed everytime someone finds out about you.
Sheila

Great post julie, i totally agree with you.

Maybe my therapist was right when she said it might be better now than when I had a chance to transition (finacially) 10 years ago. I think I'm alot more mentally prepared today when I was back then. There's also alot more information today, of course.

And then you finally think you have it all figured out ... and twenty years down the road you wake up and say to yourself "what the f....?"

There's always something to rear its head to bite you in the rear.  You do what you can but you will always need to pay attention to it.  I don't believe that we can ever completely assimilate.  There are just too many incongruencies to manage in just one lifetime.

I believe that is important to realize that you can never truly put it "all" behind you.  Know that you'll always have problems, memories, and sad days.  It's how you learn to deal with it that will determine your level of happiness and success.

Cindi

(to add to what Cindi said...)

...but on the whole, even with the remaining doubts about whether you made the right decision and if it might be somehow better if you, you know, go back,  for me it still adds up to the right thing to do. (YMMV  ;) )

Karen

Quote from: Cindi Jones on September 25, 2007, 01:30:17 AM
And then you finally think you have it all figured out ... and twenty years down the road you wake up and say to yourself "what the f....?"
Cindi

If family history repeats itself I won't be alive in 20 years.  Might as well enjoy what's left of this life.  Besides, I did what they wanted me to do for over 50 years.  I gave them that part of my life.  Whatever is left is mine.

Julie

Quote from: Julie Marie on September 25, 2007, 09:06:40 PM

If family history repeats itself I won't be alive in 20 years.  Might as well enjoy what's left of this life.  Besides, I did what they wanted me to do for over 50 years.  I gave them that part of my life.  Whatever is left is mine.

Julie

And from what I've seen from you, you'll squeeze a life time of experience into that small wedge of time.  You'll end up sharing life with people more than you ever have.

Cindi

I agree with the mental change part. I know some people that were not all mentally ready and were pretty loopy even after the surgery.

I'm trying to get mentally ready.

I'm probably going to come across seeming very naive, or slow, or young or whatever label you wish to put to it. But I want to clarify some things about this thread.

I understand that you need to be mentally ready, to understand what you're about to do, to understand the risks, the benefits, and that you will never be 100% your chosen sex. Is what you're saying different to this?

I mean, I also understand that there is a mental component to this, but I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that. I'm attempting to get approval and support for my transition so that I can feel comfortable with my body, not have to hide and hope that people aren't staring at me and wondering why a young man has breasts, or why he has a very feminine face and feminine name on his ID. I'm stuck in gender limbo land, and it's not where I want to be at all. I feel I'm mentally ready for what I need to do, but others don't because of my age. I'm just not sure I completely understand what you're getting at with this thread, that's all.

What does it mean to 'mentally transition'? I would have thought you were already mentally the opposite of your assigned gender, and the only things you'd need to come to terms with would be how changing yourself physically is going to affect your mental self, ie. is it going to help?

Sorry for the rambling post, I'm trying to make sense of it in my head. :)

It shouldn't be a mental transition if you are truly Transsexual....your emotions and mental state would already be female.....which is why you want to change you body to match your mind..

The mental side is a huge factor. One can be at the same time convinced that they are the opposite gender from the physical and yet feel completely ashamed or full of guilt that it is true. My situation is like this and it is full of external factors as well. I love my family dearly, they love me dearly and want me to continue to be the same external gender and not transition. I want to please them and make their lives a good as possible.  My condition is troubling to them and as such troubling for me.

Quote from: Ron on September 26, 2007, 06:37:37 AM
I'm probably going to come across seeming very naive, or slow, or young or whatever label you wish to put to it. But I want to clarify some things about this thread.

I understand that you need to be mentally ready, to understand what you're about to do, to understand the risks, the benefits, and that you will never be 100% your chosen sex. Is what you're saying different to this?

I mean, I also understand that there is a mental component to this, but I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that. I'm attempting to get approval and support for my transition so that I can feel comfortable with my body, not have to hide and hope that people aren't staring at me and wondering why a young man has breasts, or why he has a very feminine face and feminine name on his ID. I'm stuck in gender limbo land, and it's not where I want to be at all. I feel I'm mentally ready for what I need to do, but others don't because of my age. I'm just not sure I completely understand what you're getting at with this thread, that's all.

What does it mean to 'mentally transition'? I would have thought you were already mentally the opposite of your assigned gender, and the only things you'd need to come to terms with would be how changing yourself physically is going to affect your mental self, ie. is it going to help?

Sorry for the rambling post, I'm trying to make sense of it in my head. :)

It's one thing to say "I am a woman and I've always felt that way" but quite another to feel at peace with your decision to transition to the point that you don't need outside approval.  Until you've experienced it, it's hard to explain in words the feelings that come from within when you are truly at peace with yourself, when you truly have accepted yourself for who you are.  You care if your loved ones are having difficulty but their feelings aren't going to cause you to have doubts or to delay transition, etc.  You know what you are doing is the right thing and you can't be shaken from that by anyone or anything.

It's not like you've chosen to do battle with those who try to change you.  It's that you are at total peace with yourself and you simply don't need their approval to transition.  Those who object, you see as simply being uneducated.  It's not their fault and you hold no bad feelings toward them.  They just don't understand and you accept that.  Complete and total acceptance is at the core of the entire mental/emotional transition.  It's a state of mental well being that has a rock solid foundation.

I have had virtually no support from family or friends.  And I doubt anyone is going to give it to me until after I complete my transition and they realize there's nothing they can do.  I see many who face this same level of resistance stop and question themselves, and sometimes take a few steps back.  Even though they know deep in their heart they MUST transition, they haven't yet come to accept they aren't going to get support from anyone other than trans friends.  When I knew I had completed my mental/emotional transition was when I no longer needed my family or friends to support me or tell me they won't walk out of my life.  I accept their decision, whatever it may be.  I feel no guilt for choosing to complete my transition.  All I want is peace and happiness for myself as well as for all the people I love.  I may be sad they have left me but I accept it just the same.  I'm not going to alter my path in the hopes of getting them back.  They will come around some day, maybe after I'm gone, but they will come to understand I did the right thing.  That's how deeply I feel about this.  It's all about inner peace, acceptance and the strength that comes from deep within you to follow your heart in the face of anything. 

Berliegh, I think you're missing the point.  Sure, we all know nature made a mistake but we've been conditioned by an ignorant society to believe that these feelings are wrong, that there is a mental problem and not a physical problem.  This conditioning starts at birth and all the people you know and love support this fallacy.  You trust these people.  And since this starts at such an early age, you, for a period of time, believe them.  In the mental/emotional transition you have to deal with this conditioning.  You have to address guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, anger and possibly losing the people you love.  You have to come to accept that this is the way society is and it's not going to change just for you.  You have to go inside yourself and allow your true self to emerge without any of the baggage that conditioning has left you with.  When you can stand before someone as your true self and not be affected by their intolerance, prejudice, discrimination or hatred, then you have completely transitioned mentally and emotionally.  You have accepted yourself for who you are and no one will change that.

Julie

Julie, thank you so, so much for your reply. I'm actually trying really hard not to cry reading it and thinking about how far I yet I have to go in my mental transition. What you wrote made a lot of sense, and completely clarified the original post. You seem like such an amazing person with the strength that you mustered to pull yourself through it all. I'm having so much trouble trying to not be overcome by guilt and anger towards my family for not understanding my need for this. But I suppose that will all come in time. This thread is wonderful. I think stuff like this definitely needs to be more addressed when it comes to transitioning, it really isn't just a physical path. You've opened my eyes to something I knew was there but wasn't sure how to word or fully understand.

Thank you for your strength and wisdom,

Ted

Quote from: Julie Marie on September 24, 2007, 09:00:32 AM

Right now I'd say I've almost completed my mental and emotional transition.  The doubts, the shame, the guilt are all gone.  I am very much at peace with myself and with my decision to complete the journey.  When I picture myself fully transitioned in the physical sense I see a very happy well-adjusted woman.  But I don't always see that in others who have completed the physical journey. 

Julie

what methods of achieving this worked for you?

primary methods:
personally, i was in a terrible state of turmoil before i transitioned.
after i determined that i had to transition, there was a lot of peace, (and a lot of crying, which were mostly tears of joy) then a lot more turmoil as my mind tried to adjust to the shock. i never turned away from the objections my mind put to me, but that phase just kept going on and on, and after a while, i felt like it was never going to end. but it did, finally. i had lost more than 20 pounds and was just exhausted.

secondary methods:
aside from my ordinary conscience, i began to feel that there was a much deeper conscience, which, it seemed to me, was where my really correct emotional core lay. but frankly i was afraid of it for quite a while. after i got over my fear of it, it seemed to be so helpful that i began to think of it as a shortcut. but because it is often very hard to reach, i don't see it as a shortcut anymore, but rather something i was very lucky to have somehow gotten access too.

so i guess i'm still within the boundaries of this secondary method, but my focus has changed. instead of being afraid that i will go too deep within my own consciousness, i'm trying to get it to come closer to the borders of my awareness, so, hopefully, i can reach it whenever i wish. (though i've had some successes, it seems like the progress is going really, really slow).

-ell

I am still trying to get over the scary term "castration".

I think the mental /emotional transition is more important than the physical one, that , i am sure. I need to push aside all the expectation from the mainstream society or the transsexual community, i need to be me and come hell or high water, no one is going to stop me and whether if i am a transsexual or if i am ready for this or not, that's not the main question, the main question is how do i be honest to myself and who am I? I think that's a question that will be on my mind for a very long time.

Besides an emotional and mental transition, there is also a social transition. A womans world is very different than a mans world. When one is forced, or has no other choice, but to try to survive in a mans world for who knows how long (for some people it's many years) that is what you know and learn. And then going into the female world it is different. Socializing is an important factor in learning that world, cause, as much as you know you're female and as much as you might look female, there is still socialization that women have grown up with that we haven't. There's a whole new set of expectations. And as a woman, you are treated differently than you would be as a man. Same for FtM, it's a different world.

Now, how much you experience would depend on what you do. If you're a girl who sits at home all day playing WoW (World of Warcraft), then you're not going to come across the same social situations than say a girl in her 20s who's going to clubs. Age also makes a difference, since different age groups have different expectations; you also can't act like a 16 year old and be 40 at the same time.

I have countless examples from my life. And really, this is my experience. Not everyone would agree with me. I've had one TS girl that I almost felt like strangling  because she didn't see a difference between the worlds, and thought that fighting for womans rights was a waste of time (I fight for womans' rights, so of course it made me mad! Of course, to be fair, her life was different as she pretty much didn't socialize except on WoW -- so of course she wasn't going to understand what it's like to be raped and have men objectify you, and why I would be standing up against violence against women... she hasn't experience the objectifying that women receive).  And yes, there are different kinds of girls, not every girl is girly-girly and not every girl is a tomboy. But they are all girls and they have their own world/socialization. Kind of like girly sub-cultures, and how you socialize tells a lot about who you are.

Anyway, yeah, that's my little bit of opinion.