Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Next weekend there is a dinner on with one of the "Meet up" groups in the city which is about 35 minutes from me. I have attended one other "meet up" event a few months ago but I have to say I felt extremely uncomfortable at times. I think this had more to do with me being in full male mode which I think took people time to work out what I was about. By the end of the afternoon I was chatting away with a few people.

I really want to go to this dinner because I would really like to find a friend to share my journey with but I also want to go as a more authentic version of myself rather than trying(unsuccessfully) to be androgynous. With the exception of mid 2000's I have not been out in public dressed since then. This is a very daunting for me and I am really nervous about doing it. There is no pressure from the group to dress in a particular way. This is a safe environment and a great opportunity for a confidence builder and I want to do it. It would mean having to drive in daylight to the venue and then find a park and get myself safely to the venue...I don't even want to think about that part!!

My wife bless her offered to come with me but after 30 years of being together I can read her like a book and I told her that I need to do this on my own and she breathed a huge sigh if relief and smiled at me gratefully. She didn't want to go but would have, if she thought it was going to help me...what a sweetheart.

Has  anyone got any words of wisdom or advice for me? First time in public and its been so long it may as well be first time ever. I have had experience at home but that is way different to being out in public.

I appreciate your comments

Sarah T

Quote from: sarahtokes on November 11, 2015, 02:34:04 PM
Has  anyone got any words of wisdom or advice for me?

1. Hold your head high. You deserve to be who you are. Claim that prize proudly.

2. Enjoy. Think of Shania Twain's words: The best part of being a woman is he prerogative to have a little fun!

Don't think about or worry about passing and just enjoy yourself. You want this to be a pleasant outing and not one associated with bad memories. If passing is an issue, just say it will be better next time and don't worry about it.

Quote from: sarahtokes on November 11, 2015, 02:34:04 PM
Has  anyone got any words of wisdom or advice for me? First time in public and its been so long it may as well be first time ever. I have had experience at home but that is way different to being out in public

The key point to remember is this: most of the people you will encounter do not know you and you are unlikely ever to see them again so whatever they think of you is utterly irrelevant. They can think what they like and they can do what they like, but why should you care about it?

I realised this on one of my early trips out. Back at the start in poorly selected clothes and a bad wig and man-skin before laser and electro. I was in a supermarket and I could see the nudges, winks and sideways looks. I was heartbroken as I realised I faced a lifetime of this and then I had my revelation. Why did I care about the opinions of strangers? People I did not know. People I would never see again. I stood up straighter and in my head said "Stuff the lot of them" and got on with my shopping.

Now... here is the weird bit. I was in the same shop, in the same clothes, same wig, same make-up, same lighting but by the time I got to the check-outs all the  nudges, winks and sideways looks had stopped. Something in my demeanour or body language had changed and people picked up on it. People can smell a lack of confidence. They can pick up on it almost immediately, but if you do not give a darn what they think and act like you own the place then they treat you like anyone else.

I never looked back and ever since then I have been seen as female and treated as female until I opened my mouth and spoke, so I worked on that until I cracked it and now I get gendered female all the time whether in person or on the phone.

I still do not give a darn about people's opinions of me.

You'll be pretty much in a safe judgement free space amongst peers. Don't sweat experimenting going authentically.

Relax. Just be yourself

Let the night take you where you need to be

Listen

Don't force any expectations.

Just enjoy and embrace the journey.

Huggs
Catherine

My first time out in public was at a gender conference...hundreds of transgender people.  On Wednesday, it literally took me almost two hours and several tries just to open the door and go down to register for the conference.  I refused to look at anyone worrying about what people thought.  I paid my fees, went back to my room and had a fit of giggles.  Thursday morning I attended some seminars, then had lunch and talked to some people.  By Thursday night, I was in the Hard Rock Cafe in downtown Atlanta, Georgia having a blast and not worrying at all about what anybody thought. 

The lesson was I wasn't going to worry about anyone else because I wasn't going to let them stop my fun!  Go girl and have some fun! 

Remember to breath.

No one really cares what you wear.

Push your comfort level but do not overdue it to the point where you are paralyzed in fear.

I express in public in a pretty safe neighborhood (25 block area) in Philadelphia. I learned to not look at people's faces and wonder what they are thinking; just walk and be happy or get something to eat and be happy.

What everyone above has said is great, and I totally agree with all of them!I don't know about the environment you live in (city, country etc.), but it really doesn't matter. Several months ago I was scared to go downtown because people would think i was weird, and that is so not true. Nobody cares. Literally. If people "judge" that is 100% their problem, and trust me, you will never ever see them again. When I go downtown now I am not scared, because nobody notices, nobody cares. And trust me just staying positive and keeping your head high is enough to get started. Once you start rolling, nothing can stop you. Good luck!

don't forget to smile ;D

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Thank you all for the great advice...it would seem from what most have said  that having confidence is important, being thick skinned also seems to help. I have a rough idea of the outfit...I have two picked out one is bootleg jeans, Tunic top and either heels or ankle boots and the other extreme is a lovely black and white dress, off the shoulder and very flattering ... semi casual might be as bit dressy for the evening...I love it and am very comfortable wearing it so may just glam it up a little...just a little and have fun with it.

I will take on board everything that has been suggested and I am sure I will have a blast once I get there. I am more nervous about the drive in than anything else at this stage. I have decided that even though the LGBT scene is very new to me I am going to try and embrace it. I would love to meet some people I can see on a social level and that is never going to happen as long as I sit my backside at home.

I get the feeling that once loose Sarah will be out more and more. This is just the start for me and I am really looking forward to being a more authentic me.

Sarah T

Oh this sounds so exciting!  Good for you Sarah and what a great partner you have.  I used to scare myself silly, years ago, by driving around in my car while dressed femme.

I think you are so smart to being doing this and looking for folks to share the ride with.  I met people here and in real life that have become best friends as we share this transition together.  Other trans people are far less likely to say "enough of the trans talk please" ;D

The many trans meetings I have been to always feature a nice range of people and presentations and I gave up trying to figure people out.  Better if we all tell our own personal narratives.

Yes, like so many have said, please feel confident and know that the masses are mostly indifferent to us and how we look
Wear a smile and your most comfortable outfit.  You are so going to rock this!

{Blush} Your comments are very sweet and thank you (big grin). I have all these feelings about this and the vast majority are positive. At my age and life experience I have gained a natural confidence when presenting as a guy, so I need to find that confidence and use it. I have to say the more I think about it the less apprehensive I feel about it. I am going to be as nervous as hell getting into the car to go. But by the time I have driven a few kms I will be fine and just hoping like crazy I don't get stopped by the cops...not likely just the paranoia.

The last few times I went out which was a long time ago, I was nervous for about the first few minutes in the car and then it was like I had been doing it all my life. On the way home I actually took the long way just to prolong the experience for as long as I could, that however was over 10 years ago.

This should be a bit of fun and who doesn't like to wear something that makes them feel good...male, female or somewhere in between, feeling good about yourself and what you are wearing I would have thought would be critical for boosting confidence. I intend to have some fun and if I can meet a like minded soul while I am there then that would be great, if not this time then maybe next.

Sarah T

In my case, not trying to pass desperately gave me freedom, relief and confidence.

barbie~~

Quote from: sarahtokes on November 12, 2015, 01:34:18 PMI am more nervous about the drive in than anything else at this stage.

Sarah, just obey the traffic laws and you'll be fine.  Think of this.  Did you drive today?  How much time did you spend paying attention to people in the other cars?  Probably little to none.  And that's how much attention other people are paying.

good luck Sarah  :)
two things my sexologist said to me the other day when I told her I was a bit concerned about passing (after she looked shocked and told me I was totally passing lol)
1. just be yourself, be natural, no need to overdo it, most people aren't looking anyway, and if they did they most likely wouldn't notice anything.
2. there are all kinds of people, some ladies have deep voices, some have masculine features, some are tall, some with more hair, some with less, some are fashion models. if you are looking for negative reactions you will find them... just like any girl ;)

My first time in public (this time around, I stopped for a while) I just went to lunch with a friend across the street. I was nervous and it took me a few tries to actually go out the door, but it went great!

accepting yourself feels great :)
cheers!

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on November 12, 2015, 02:54:32 PM
Sarah, just obey the traffic laws and you'll be fine.  Think of this.  Did you drive today?  How much time did you spend paying attention to people in the other cars?  Probably little to none.  And that's how much attention other people are paying.

Funny you should say that I was in the car yesterday looking around at other drivers and I could have had 2 heads and be wearing a turban and they still would not have noticed me. It was yesterday that finally convinced me to stop being silly about it and just get on with my life...stop sweating the small stuff, if people look, people look. I never entertained the idea of "passing"...maybe in a year or so when I have been on HRT for awhile and fixed my hair, and removed my beard...and if I don't then...I don't.  I am not going to spend the rest of my life getting bent out of shape about it as long as I am comfortable in my skin.

This is all very easy to say from the comfort of my "den" but the putting into practice part could be a little trickier.  I will try and keep a sense of humour and have some fun with it.

Sarah T

My first time in public this second time around was quite exhilarating, especially once I realised no one was paying attention to me. (My memory of my very first time out during my first attempt at transition is lost in the mists of time).

I guess my main points of advice is just be yourself. Don't over dress or underdress for the situation or location, don't overdo the make up. Your wife might not be going but ask for her advice on getting your look right. Since it is with a group of trans people you would presume that the setting is safe, just be mindful of where you park your car and public areas with a lot of people or dark areas with very few people. You may find the issue about being out and about has more to do with you being a woman than being trans, as people socialised male there's generally a greater sense of security which can lead you to park in places no sane woman would think of leaving her car.