Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My first post/intro.. forgive me if it is all over the place.
I am Davina, Bio female, cis? Still learning all the proper words.
I recently married my wife Kimi, a strong, masculine butch female by birth.
I've always known they were male. Kimi is now Kai, and came out to friends and work mates and family- everyone so far is supportive. Kai made a post on fb last night, and we also recently found our health care does provide and cover all services needed to make this transition.
I am confused in my feelings. I am all hearts not parts. I am pansexual. I am queer. I am a lesbian, I am so many labels and I hate that. What I am really is someone who will love my husband, but I will mourn my wife. I watched Kai getting ready for work this morning, looking at the skin they do not love, watching his full hips move, and his round breasts fall perfectly in place, and I wept in silence.
I am scared to be honest, of once Kai has decided to start the regime of things required by our insurance, that the person who fell in love with me, is not going to be in love with me anymore. While that is selfish, I can stand firm in saying that I will be there for him through all of it. I am just scared.
The kicker to this story is, I can not have children, and my gold star husband, has been getting inseminated for us. plans to start all of the transition after pregnancy.
I am not sure where to go from here. I am having a harder time finding help on line for the "lesbian wife of a trans man"  I first have to let go of labels. I get that.  I just need someone to talk to. On here, on facebook, on the phone, through email I do not care. I am desperate to connect to someone who has been through this.
Thank you

Welcome to Susan's Place. As you are learning, transitioning can strain a relationship and it has to be redefined to match the current reality. There is one thing that doesn't change and that is the person. Throughout the transition we are still the same person with the same likes, dislike and feelings we had before. Our appearance may change but the person you came love is still there. I understand the fear because the body will change and the process of self discovery may expose things about us that we may not have been aware of, but it's something we need to do in order to have peace of mind. Often we end up better people because of it as we are no longer dealing with our internal demons. Will you stay together? Normally the odds are 50/50 but as you are pansexual, I think the odds may be better that you will stay together.

I am a post surgical transsexual 33 year so I may not be exactly what you were looking for but there are many FTMs on this site who have been or are going through this and they may be able to offer you some help with this. If I can answer any of your questions, feel free to ask.

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Quote from: Simplydavina on November 22, 2015, 08:00:00 AM
My first post/intro.. forgive me if it is all over the place.
I am Davina, Bio female, cis? Still learning all the proper words.
I recently married my wife Kimi, a strong, masculine butch female by birth.
I've always known they were male. Kimi is now Kai, and came out to friends and work mates and family- everyone so far is supportive. Kai made a post on fb last night, and we also recently found our health care does provide and cover all services needed to make this transition.
I am confused in my feelings. I am all hearts not parts. I am pansexual. I am queer. I am a lesbian, I am so many labels and I hate that. What I am really is someone who will love my husband, but I will mourn my wife. I watched Kai getting ready for work this morning, looking at the skin they do not love, watching his full hips move, and his round breasts fall perfectly in place, and I wept in silence.
I am scared to be honest, of once Kai has decided to start the regime of things required by our insurance, that the person who fell in love with me, is not going to be in love with me anymore. While that is selfish, I can stand firm in saying that I will be there for him through all of it. I am just scared.
The kicker to this story is, I can not have children, and my gold star husband, has been getting inseminated for us. plans to start all of the transition after pregnancy.
I am not sure where to go from here. I am having a harder time finding help on line for the "lesbian wife of a trans man"  I first have to let go of labels. I get that.  I just need someone to talk to. On here, on facebook, on the phone, through email I do not care. I am desperate to connect to someone who has been through this.
Thank you

Big hugs, this what you said is what my wife said to me. As I read what you wrote i could feel your pain.  We don't change much, though, the heart and soul are always going to be the same <3

Count on me if you want a friend or someone to talk to <3 and welcome

Hi Davina  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M