Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How would you judge your fear of not looking female as opposed to the dysphoria of needing to be the proper gender. I just passed 2 years and I've been extremely lucky that I feel and present as a female most of the time. Just wondering if your fear of not being visibly seen as in your own eyes prevent you from over coming your sense of dysphoria. Does you fear counteract any personal advancement in solving the dysphoria riddle.

I think a similar topic has been discussed somewhere here but I never got around to answering it. I went into transition aiming to pass and, at the expense of sounding vain, aiming to look beautiful. I think most any girl wants to look beautiful and passable. I believe if neither of these things happened for me then I wouldn't have wanted to transition. Alleviating any dysphoria I had wasn't the only main thing, I wanted to look pretty and passable while doing it also. So yes, my fear of not passing and looking completely female overrides any possible dysphoria I might have.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is how crippling is that fear as far as proceeding to transition.

also variations of this question get thrown around. People always say their fear is crippling , but they proceed for the most part anyway. Dysphoria does seem to counter the force of fear in the majority of cases. It's not so much a question of passing as far as others are involved, it's more what you see of yourself and is that self image what determines how well you can tame the Dysphoria Dragon. I mean you can be perceived totally by others as female , but not be able to see yourself.

I find that I feel very differently with regards to this, depending on the situation. When I'm alone the dysphoria is very strong, and every like step towards femininity makes me feel better. Lately I've started the process of coming out to friends and family. This makes it very obvious that my transition isn't going to happen quietly in my head or within the security of my home, it's all going to be out in the open, seen by everyone. With that insight, suddenly the fear of being an ugly girl or not being able to pass becomes a lot stronger.

Quote from: takotsubo on November 26, 2015, 12:32:12 AM
I find that I feel very differently with regards to this, depending on the situation. When I'm alone the dysphoria is very strong, and every like step towards femininity makes me feel better. Lately I've started the process of coming out to friends and family. This makes it very obvious that my transition isn't going to happen quietly in my head or within the security of my home, it's all going to be out in the open, seen by everyone. With that insight, suddenly the fear of being an ugly girl or not being able to pass becomes a lot stronger.

would the fear itself prevent you from transitioning and it not then it's more than your looks.

Quote from: Roni on November 26, 2015, 12:02:30 AM
I think a similar topic has been discussed somewhere here but I never got around to answering it. I went into transition aiming to pass and, at the expense of sounding vain, aiming to look beautiful. I think most any girl wants to look beautiful and passable. I believe if neither of these things happened for me then I wouldn't have wanted to transition. Alleviating any dysphoria I had wasn't the only main thing, I wanted to look pretty and passable while doing it also. So yes, my fear of not passing and looking completely female overrides any possible dysphoria I might have.

the thing is what I'm trying to understand is that you say yes, the fear overrides , but yet you transitioned. You wouldn't of transitioned if the fear overrode.

There just seems something far more deeper involved than looks.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 26, 2015, 12:37:46 AM
the thing is what I'm trying to understand is that you say yes, the fear overrides , but yet you transitioned. You wouldn't of transitioned if the fear overrode.

As soon as I realized FFS was a thing, I booked an appointment ASAP and hadn't even spent a single day living as a woman prior. That's how big my fear of not passing was. I wasn't brave enough to just transition without getting FFS first. I believe my fear of not passing has carried on to this day. I've never presented in public as female without the FFS so never learned how to deal with that fear head on.

Dysphoria was what motivated me into transition.  I didn't care what I looked like I just knew that I couldn't live a lie anymore.  I couldn't give two figs about passing and it was never something I factored into beginning my transition.

But I understand what you are talking about. You don't know the amount of posts I've seen on ->-bleeped-<- from women who absolutely refuse to transition because they are afraid of just looking like a "man in a dress." Lots of people acknowledge their transsexuality and dysphoria but don't do anything about it because they'd rather be a passable male than an unpassable female.

The thing is you have overcome your fear by having the surgeries or at least enough to continue your transition. There just seems to be something that's far more important to transitioning than the fear of not presenting properly.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 26, 2015, 12:59:49 AM
The thing is you have overcome your fear by having the surgeries or at least enough to continue your transition. There just seems to be something that's far more important to transitioning than the fear of not presenting properly.

Of course. I absolutely believe that. People go about transition differently, have different goals and expectations, and deal with transition through a number of ways. That was just my personal journey and downfall. Call me a coward but I personally cared about looks a lot. I suffer from a mix of gender dysphoria and self-image issues, and felt like the surgery was a one-fix for me. :)

Quote from: Roni on November 26, 2015, 12:58:58 AM
But I understand what you are talking about. You don't know the amount of posts I've seen on ->-bleeped-<- from women who absolutely refuse to transition because they are afraid of just looking like a "man in a dress." Lots of people acknowledge their transsexuality and dysphoria but don't do anything about it because they'd rather be a passable male than an unpassable female.

so their fear is more than the dysphoria which has no negative connotation it's just one out weighs the other so there is a difference between the reason to transition or not depending on the strength of the dysphoria.

You asked the question and I simply answered. Looks aren't important to everybody, and more power to these women who find strength in transitioning their own way. I think what matters most for all of us is that we transition to become happier, and to end at a better place in life than we previously were. :)

Quote from: Roni on November 26, 2015, 01:04:47 AM
Of course. I absolutely believe that. People go about transition differently, have different goals and expectations, and deal with transition through a number of ways. That was just my personal journey and downfall. Call me a coward but I personally cared about looks a lot. I suffer from a mix of gender dysphoria and self-image issues, and felt like the surgery was a one-fix for me. :)

there is no negative connotation for anyone's reasons it's just the validity of why or why not one transitions as regards to perceptions.

The fear that I'd never be able to be attractive as a woman, and an extremely abusive relationship where my partner literally told me that and more when I came out to her, were the two factors that caused me to postpone my transition for almost a decade. The only reason I'm still here and transitioning is because I'd rather be an unattractive woman than the alternative. I didn't start presenting until I was a month or so away from my FFS and was getting sir'ed and ma'am'ed at around the same frequency. You could say that I let fear rule much of my life, but it was the closet that was killing my confidence and making me crazy.
Even now that I'm presenting 100% of the time, I sometimes don't want to go outside because I'm feeling ugly or having a bad hair day. Honestly, my boyfriend has inadvertently shined a huge spotlight on the times I'm being irrational and afraid of not living up to some indefinable bar I set a little too high for myself. I'll send him a picture I culled from several rejects where I still think I don't look good in it, and he'll compliment me and I just don't see it. I've received compliments all my life for some things but I've never been able to see it in me...it probably has something to do with my dysphoria, but I don't know.
I still hate getting naked because I haven't had my bottom surgery, but at least I have my consultation booked for next Spring. Otherwise I don't think I'd be as happy and outgoing as I have slowly become.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

When I take a shower I love the top part , but move rapidly cleaning the bottom part, It can be quite annoying when you haven't got it corrected.

Quote from: Roni on November 26, 2015, 12:02:30 AM
I think a similar topic has been discussed somewhere here but I never got around to answering it. I went into transition aiming to pass and, at the expense of sounding vain, aiming to look beautiful. I think most any girl wants to look beautiful and passable. I believe if neither of these things happened for me then I wouldn't have wanted to transition. Alleviating any dysphoria I had wasn't the only main thing, I wanted to look pretty and passable while doing it also. So yes, my fear of not passing and looking completely female overrides any possible dysphoria I might have.

I feel the same way.

However I'm a little different in that I want to look not outstandingly beautiful just "average." I'm happy with looking like a 30 something year old mom.

I'd love to be the most gorgeous creature to have ever walked on the face of the planet. The thing is that could be said if I was cis male. I transitioned even though quite late because I wanted to spend my remaining years as the person I've always been inside not out. My transition , which is unique as all are transitions are was to be me. At this time of my life any prettiness is the whip on the mocha.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 26, 2015, 01:51:50 AM
When I take a shower I love the top part , but move rapidly cleaning the bottom part, It can be quite annoying when you haven't got it corrected.

I know it's what's on the inside that counts, but vaginas are mostly on the inside [emoji12]
Guh, I just need to distract myself until next year when it happens.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Obfuskatie on November 26, 2015, 02:52:26 AM
I know it's what's on the inside that counts, but vaginas are mostly on the inside [emoji12]
Guh, I just need to distract myself until next year when it happens.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

it's quite annoying at times, I do my best with my imagination.

I suppose it's part of why I haven't transitioned.  My dysphoria has always been on the mild to moderate side.  Being quite type A about things, I don't feel I'd pass at a level that I personally would be happy with.

That's not counting the social and career issues on top.

I would say there is a real fear of that for me. It isn't the main obstacle I face by a long shot though. Transitioning is still much better than living with the "what if?" Therefore I push on!

I hope for those who do face an inability to transition due to this can overcome it really is worth it.

If I had to weigh my dysphoria against my fear of actually looking female, I'd have a variable answer. Most of the time, when I think about transitioning, my fear of not actually looking female is totally debilitating. It can get terrible. However, sometimes I can honestly say my dysphoria gets so bad that it's much worse than my fear of not passing. It goes back and forth.

I find that the fear of never passing to be real. So I focus on what I can do to make the most of what I have to work with. I continue to push for what I want... it's a daily struggle. I just can't let my insecurities run my life. In the end... for me it would be worse to look back and wonder, than to push into the unknown.

My feelings, or ideal, for sure morphed over time. I believe a product of both my level of growth, personal & physical.

I spent the early part of my life being a big fat mouth breathing stuttering target. (We all know how innocent and what angels kids can REALLY be). I had experimented twice with transitioning in my early 20's. Being able to pass was important. No way did I want to spend the rest of my life as a target. At 6 ft tall in a world full of 5'5" tall women no way I would NOT stand out and get attention. A lot of the wrong type. This all beat out the dysphoria by a long shot. The GD I had gotten pretty good at beating down. Just have to keep it up  :(

30 years later I got to my spiritual breaking point. I'm still (almost) 6ft tall and lot more wrinkled. My bar for 'passing' greatly lowered to the "Not having rocks (real or metaphysical) thrown at me". I do always try to present as unambiguously female as circumstances warrant, besides I like girlie-girl.  Plus a mega-boost of attitude. Attitude of how I thought of myself, the who and especially What I am. Gone was the a lot of the shame and guilt associated with GD.

TBH - I really don't think much about either the GD or Passing. Just reveling in finally being able to be a more genuine ME living in the real world. Feeling authentic

Interesting thought stephanie. My journey has been mostly introspective. That said, i love how i feel when i look at myself in the mirror now. Its like my brain finally seeing the body it was begging me to get fixed.

I think that my only concern at the time that i am writing this, is how things are going to be from now on in terms of financial independence. I thank God for this chance at rediscovering myself and id just like to live a happy quiet life from now on.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I do have a certain amount of fear because I am starting somewhat later in life, but I know most of what I am seeing that is "wrong" can be fixed with makeup. I'm hopeful that some of the things about my skin will change once I'm on hormones and also with facial hair removal. Though I do hate my nose and lips, I'm not planning on doing any FFS. I don't have to transform into a super model or anything, I just want to feel comfortable in my skin for once in my life... so better late than never is my attitude. I've even come to the decision that I will end up going for SRS even if it takes me 10 more years before I can do it. I'll be 53 by then, but I know some who have done it later than that even. I'm sure there will be things I am still dysphoric about after all of this, but therapy can go a long way. I hate my cleft lip, even though most people claim they don't even notice it or the scar above my lip, but that has little to do with my gender dysphoria.

I'm sorry cause I ramble a lot :)

I'm a social person, so I wouldn't have transitioned if I lwasn't able to pass as female (pretty is a bonus), that's why I was on HRT for so long pre transition, and had FFS just before going full time.

I would have regardless. Dysphoria sucks much worse than blending in. I'm increasingly doing the latter also and for that i am super thankful this thanksgiving day.

Once my facial hair was dead and I was on HRT I was happy, though I didn't wait for either to happen before I went full time.  All I wanted was to be ME!

Perhaps one of the advantages of having started transitioning when too young to understand the enormity what one is taking on... These thoughts and fears are clearly important, but by the time I understood enough to begin thinking them I was already thankfully too far in to want to go back.

While I am ftm not mtf, my fear of not appearing male is a fear for me because as a transman it's a bit different. I just get written off as a lesbian or just a really casual woman because of my voice and femininity. They pretty much feed off of one another and it's driving me nuts.

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

Well, at 6'5 I'll never pass and it's something my wife reminds me out of her self interests. Imo, the cognitive dissonance or "dysphoria" will over power fear in time. The  desire to be true runs too deep.


Sent from my iPhone, inspected and certified by the NSA

yea, it's kind of like in Freudian terms, the ID and   Ego confronting the Super Ego. Freud is one of my favorite people. Jung's alright too.

Fear of not being able to pass is one of the things holding me back.  I don't care about being pretty - well, I do, but I would still be glad to pass as a non-attractive woman.  But being clocked for the rest of my life everywhere I went would kill me.

That's only one reason at the moment, mind you, and there are others.  My dysphoria is pretty strong because every time I look in the mirror I see a male face.  My body...well, it doesn't bother me as much except for lack of breasts.

A mortal combat between fear and need.