Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello,

First, let me start off by saying that I am new to this site. I've read some of the forum topics every now and then over the last year (bit more on that in a minute) but I just made my account and this is my first post. That being said, if this is not the correct place for this post, I apologize.

Now a little back story of where I am at: I am currently 29, I'll be 30 in May. In the past, ever since I was very, very young (about 1st grade) I've crossdressed. At first I just tried on my sister's clothes every so often and this is something that kind of came and went from time to time. I grew up with pretty conservative parents and in a relatively conservative area (the school I went to is considered a "farmer" school around here, in that most of the students live out in the country and those who live in town tend to have parents who grew up on a farm, the joys of living in the mid-west I guess).

Just under a year ago now, I finally got to the point where repressing my feminine side just wasn't an option any more. At first I just wanted to be able to crossdress around the house and so I told my wife about my crossdressing and that I wanted to explore it further. She was a little shocked at first, but very supportive and still is, in fact she has given me a few tips for my makeup and we go get our eyebrows waxed together on a fairly regular basis. Over the last year, I've read up on transitioning and I've told almost all of my friends, my sister and her husband and recently told two of my cousins and so far I've gotten nothing but love and support.

I've been seeing a therapist and she recently told me that she would write the referral I need to go to the next city over to start the transitioning processes (not sure how it is everyone else, but around here there are no doctors who actually specialize in transgender issues, so we have to go out of town (about an hour drive away) to see a doctor and get started on HRT). The only thing holding me back from making the first appointment is that I want to tell my parents before I start the process, not really sure why, but I do.

I've searched all over for tips and advice, but I haven't found anything all that helpful. The information I've found has been helpful to an extent, but more covers the idea of telling as many people as possible who you believe will be supportive before telling the people you are nervous/hesitant about telling. While this information is nice, it simply doesn't help my exact situation. Also, most of the information I've found has been geared towards the younger crowd, such as teenagers and early twenty-somethings who still live at home. As I said above, I am currently 29, married and am not financially dependent on my parents at all at this point.

So, my question is this: Is there anyone who is or was in a similar situation of what I've described? My mother is religiously conservative (yay) and my father is more of a social conservative. I know both have negative thoughts towards people like Caitlyn Jenner and one of my cousins (one of the one's I've told) is gay but terrified of telling my mother (nearly our entire family knows, but he hasn't openly talked about it to very many of us, and as you may have guessed, my mother is one of the people he's never mentioned it too, even though she knows). He worries that once he confirms it with her, she will never talk to him again. He confided this in my sister some time ago and she told me that she brought it up to our mother and she said "Oh no, I love *name omitted for obvious reasons*, regardless of his choices". She doesn't seem to understand that it is the fact that she sees it as a "choice" that makes her seem so hostile about it. So this might give you a better idea of how she is. As far as my father goes, when he was helping my wife and I move into our house a few months back, him and I passed a house where someone he and my mother knows from way back lives. This person happens to be a hermaphrodite. I was unaware of any of this (literally never heard either of them mention this person before) and my dad pointed out the house saying something to the extent of, "We know the woman that lives there, but she's really a guy, know what I mean?" I decided to say no and asked him to clarify and this is how I found out she was born with both male and female genitalia and her or her parents (no idea who made the choice or when) decided she was female. So that may give you an insight of how he sees the world.

Does anyone have any advice on HOW to tell them? The idea I have right now is for my wife, sister, brother in-law and I to go to their house. My wife and sister would be there for moral support and all three to help make sure the conversation doesn't derail. I've been thinking of writing a letter and reading the letter to them. Another idea is to just wing it, which is what I've been doing so far and I've gotten... I guess, good (?) at that approach, but I'm not sure if that's the best way of telling my parents.

My sister and I have ruled out the idea of taking them somewhere to tell them, so that they can feel free to have whatever reaction they need to and so that my dad can smoke (he's a heavy cigarette smoker and will unquestionably need to smoke one or two after I tell them). We've talked about telling them separately so they can have their own reactions and not "feed" off each other, but think this would be difficult. So as of right now, the likely scenario will be all of us sitting in their living room, me reading the letter to them with my wife, sister and brother in-law there to help make sure they let me get all the way through the letter.

At this point, I understand it might sound like I have it all figured out, but honestly, I don't. Considering how conservative my parents are, and their age (my mother is nearly 60 and my dad is 72), do I just come right out and tell them or slowly bring it up? Should I consider having only my wife there so they don't feel like we are ganging up on them or would having my sister there as well help? Should I do the letter thing or just wing it?

Any help or advice on this topic would be GREATLY appreciated. I need to tell them soon as I find myself nearly blurting it out whenever I go out to their house to visit and I want to start embracing my new self publicly, but need to tell my parent's first so they don't hear about it from anyone else and such.

Thank you in advance,

Emma

My recommendation would be to inform them slowly.
Being they are old-school. I would
also make sure you have what you want to say, in your
head in the right place. I would say get a notepad and
write word for word what; you want to say and how you
want to say it. This is really good if you get scared or
anxious about saying it to them directly; at least you'll
have how you feel and such on paper. Another note
if they are conservative, I would not lay it all on them at
once take small steps. As for the question of having your
wife there I say yes. She should come with you, so
you feel more at ease chatting about this with your parents.

I agree with Captainxtatsue,

I would add, keep to the pertinent facts. I would not go into specific too much. What you know about trans can not be communicated in one conversation. Before you start make sure there is water and tissues available. Having allies there is definitely a positive. They can provide support if things get emotional.

Good luck,

Rachel

Telling the parents understandably generates a lot of fear and uncertainty. For me it was fear of rejection and a king size eruption from my father (socially conservative) and extreme distress from my mother (religious but not conservative). I was 48 and was literally a week from going full time having been on HRT for several months. Yes, I didn't tell them right away, I waited until I was sure I was going ahead with transition and when it was going to happen. I went the opposite route to that suggested above, just yanked the band-aid/plaster off in one go, no gentle approach.

Several suggestions:

- go into it expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Usually the worst never happens and so anything better than that is a kind of a victory.
- their first reaction (good or bad or indifferent) will not be their final reaction. It's a lot for anyone to take in and process and they are likely to go through the processes of shock, disbelief/denial, anger and passive/aggressive games (not using your chosen name or deliberately misgendering you, bargaining (trying to get you to change your mind/moderate your appearance, etc), depression... before they get to some form of acceptance. How long they take to get to acceptance, if ever, is up to them and how important a relationship with you as a PERSON is to them.
- expect to be asked stupid, insulting, ignorant questions. The issue with coming out as trans is that many people either know little to nothing about what being trans means and/or they have a huge number of totally false assumptions. The latter is harder to deal with than the former.
- coming out as trans is not the same as coming out as gay, especially if you are not planning to transition for several months. Usually saying "I'm gay" comes with a whole lot of understanding of what that entails and what follows (the person will be seen to be dating someone of the same sex almost immediately afterwards). Saying "I'm trans" usually comes with a lot of confusion and uncertainty, even if you transition on the spot.
- let them know that you love them.
- let them know why you need to do this, that being trans is not random idea you've had. Explain that transition is considered to be the best way to treat the dysphoria and disconnect and depression that trans people experience.
- if they get angry and abusive, abort - tell them you'll talk when they calm down and are willing to discuss it like adults, don't get angry or defensive back.
- if you need to cry when you're talking to them, cry - it never hurts to let them understand how much this means to you.
- if your sister is supportive, have her there too, but explain the "abort/don't get angry or defensive" protocol - seriously, getting angry back will achieve nothing but entrench them in their attitude that they are "right" and you are "wrong".
- if you're not sure you'll say everything you need to say then write it out in dot points - refer to it if you get side tracked and befuddled.

I surprised my folks by asking myself over for lunch. When asked if anything was wrong I said no. Beforehand I was nervous as hell but when I got to their place I entered some weird calm zone. Chatted, had lunch and then told them I needed to tell them something... and then it all came out (and I cried) and I discussed how and why and what. My father was surprisingly quite but said he would be OK with it, my mother very accepting. By the next week it had shifted, my father definitely wasn't OK with it and my mother had become very concerned and frightened. Out of the two, she was the most willing to engage with me and we have since developed a great mother/daughter relationship. My father went through a number of those stages mentioned above - it took him a year to shift from denial into anger. But we seem to now be entering general (begrudging) acceptance another six months after that. So that brings me to my final pointer...

- Give them time and space.

Don't feel like you have to tell them until you are ready. Good luck!! :)

Thank you all for the advice, it really helps. I think I now have a better idea of how to tell them.

However, I want to point out something I said in my original post:

In my original post, I mentioned my dad pointing out the house of the "woman who is really a guy" and used the term hermaphrodite. I have just figured out that this is probably not the best term to use as it seems that intersex seems to be the preferred term. I did not know this until literally just a few minutes ago.

If anyone has read my original post who is, or knows someone who is, intersex and offended or otherwise has any sort of disdain for the term "hermaphrodite", let me take this moment to profusely apologize. I am currently on my second therapist and the main reason I am on my second one is that the first one I spoke with used terminology that I do not like, specifically he (which that right there, that it was a male, as bad as this may sound is the second biggest reason I changed therapists as I am just more comfortable talking to women about, well... everything) said that "transgender" is someone who crossdresses and a "->-bleeped-<-" is someone who actually desires to be their opposite biological gender. I was shocked when he said this because for one, a crossdresser is someone who crossdresses and has little to no desire to transition and I despise the term "->-bleeped-<-", which I do not think I am alone on that one. I just find it to be a very out dated term and kind of offensive, mainly because of the negative connections connected to it now a days. Anyone who does feel this term applies to them, all the more power to you, I am not judging you, but to me, its an antiquated term that someone in the psychology field should know is not very well liked in the trans community. Of course, when I say that I do not mean to say that I speak for the entire community, but from what I have read and the channels I regularly watch on YouTube, it seems that the vast majority of those in the trans community have a strong feeling of contempt towards this term.

So, that being said, if I did offend anyone by using that term I am legitimately and incredibly sorry.

Like I said - expect to be asked stupid, insulting, ignorant questions but that applies to stupid and offensive terms/comments. Ignorance is the primary cause of this, you're not going to reeducate them on the spot but you may be able to with time and patience.