General Discussions => General discussions => ARGHHH! => Topic started by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 02:28:08 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Am I lucky or am I not?
Post by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 02:28:08 PM
Post by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 02:28:08 PM
I wonder if I'm just destined to live a not so long life, or am I lucky that I've made it this far?
- I'm bi-racial (hispanic and asian), and I don't fit in into either racial group (and look like neither), thus I have no racial identity and contact (I don't have white privilege and I don't have the help that a racial minority would normally get from a racial community.)
- I have inadequate social skills, in large part because I couldn't fit in and thus develop the confidence needed. I envied the people with brilliant social skills. Nowadays, social skills are important even to find a job, due to jobs now being more team oriented and service oriented.
- I don't have a consistent gender identity and sexual orientation. The closest thing I am now is non-binary, but that goes from being ok being non binary to really wishing to be female to not wanting to give up my "male privileges" and being ok with being male (but still not wanting to have sex.) My sexual orientation goes from being attracted to women to being attracted to guys, although I really only want to have sex as a woman (but at times also desire having a romantic relationship with a woman as a male.)
- My gender and sexual orientation issues make it very hard for me to make friends, nearly impossible to have a romantic relationship, and to build any foundation for my life. In addition, I have loneliness issues (obviously) and I really can't talk intimately to anyone.
- I don't even fit into interest groups. In part because of my gender issues, and also because I don't fit into the less gendered ones (like geek or counter-cultures.) Maybe I don't have a sense of conformity?
- In addition, I have to worry about my mom, who raised me and my sister but didn't do paid work for 20 years and thus has no retirement (she's in her 60s). She's an immigrant and doesn't even have a high school diploma (because it wasn't required to get a job decades ago.) She's only supported by the sympathy of my dad (her ex-husband) but he's shown signs that he doesn't want to do it for much longer. My sister also seems to have a weak position in being able to get a paid job and lives with my mom. Seeing my mom suffer would hurt me and make me feel like foregoing my interests and focus on my life to help her.
On the other hand, I may be lucky in a way because:
- I have photography talent, which has helped me a lot in making money (but is by no means a dependable career.)
- I'm not poor and I grew up in basically a lower-middle class setting, so I didn't have the misfortune of growing up in a poor family and in a poor part of town (which would make going up to a decent place in the economic ladder a helluva lot harder.)
However, even though I have a little bit of luck, I'm emotionally and socially crushed. I may be able to physically survive but what does it mean if all the other parts of my life are crushed? There may be some satisfaction at times like feeling like an alien, but at other times it feels like I wasn't meant to be on earth. I mean, if what I'm going through happened to someone else, would they go crazy or feel like ending it all?
- I'm bi-racial (hispanic and asian), and I don't fit in into either racial group (and look like neither), thus I have no racial identity and contact (I don't have white privilege and I don't have the help that a racial minority would normally get from a racial community.)
- I have inadequate social skills, in large part because I couldn't fit in and thus develop the confidence needed. I envied the people with brilliant social skills. Nowadays, social skills are important even to find a job, due to jobs now being more team oriented and service oriented.
- I don't have a consistent gender identity and sexual orientation. The closest thing I am now is non-binary, but that goes from being ok being non binary to really wishing to be female to not wanting to give up my "male privileges" and being ok with being male (but still not wanting to have sex.) My sexual orientation goes from being attracted to women to being attracted to guys, although I really only want to have sex as a woman (but at times also desire having a romantic relationship with a woman as a male.)
- My gender and sexual orientation issues make it very hard for me to make friends, nearly impossible to have a romantic relationship, and to build any foundation for my life. In addition, I have loneliness issues (obviously) and I really can't talk intimately to anyone.
- I don't even fit into interest groups. In part because of my gender issues, and also because I don't fit into the less gendered ones (like geek or counter-cultures.) Maybe I don't have a sense of conformity?
- In addition, I have to worry about my mom, who raised me and my sister but didn't do paid work for 20 years and thus has no retirement (she's in her 60s). She's an immigrant and doesn't even have a high school diploma (because it wasn't required to get a job decades ago.) She's only supported by the sympathy of my dad (her ex-husband) but he's shown signs that he doesn't want to do it for much longer. My sister also seems to have a weak position in being able to get a paid job and lives with my mom. Seeing my mom suffer would hurt me and make me feel like foregoing my interests and focus on my life to help her.
On the other hand, I may be lucky in a way because:
- I have photography talent, which has helped me a lot in making money (but is by no means a dependable career.)
- I'm not poor and I grew up in basically a lower-middle class setting, so I didn't have the misfortune of growing up in a poor family and in a poor part of town (which would make going up to a decent place in the economic ladder a helluva lot harder.)
However, even though I have a little bit of luck, I'm emotionally and socially crushed. I may be able to physically survive but what does it mean if all the other parts of my life are crushed? There may be some satisfaction at times like feeling like an alien, but at other times it feels like I wasn't meant to be on earth. I mean, if what I'm going through happened to someone else, would they go crazy or feel like ending it all?
Title: Re: Am I lucky or am I <Not Permitted>?
Post by: suzifrommd on November 28, 2015, 03:41:59 PM
Post by: suzifrommd on November 28, 2015, 03:41:59 PM
Sounds like you have a lot of challenges. It hasn't been easy on you socially or emotionally.
But I'm having trouble buying into the helplessness that seems present in your last paragraph. You are an intelligent capable person, and you have the wherewithal to change the things in your life that you see as obstacles, to approach them in a different way. I wonder if rather than pondering the questions you put here, a better question might be, "What do I need to change for my life to be more like I want it to be?"
Hugs, Katelyn. I hope this helps. Not exactly what you want to hear, but it's what I got.
But I'm having trouble buying into the helplessness that seems present in your last paragraph. You are an intelligent capable person, and you have the wherewithal to change the things in your life that you see as obstacles, to approach them in a different way. I wonder if rather than pondering the questions you put here, a better question might be, "What do I need to change for my life to be more like I want it to be?"
Hugs, Katelyn. I hope this helps. Not exactly what you want to hear, but it's what I got.
Title: Re: Am I lucky or am I <Not Permitted>?
Post by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 06:43:39 PM
Post by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 06:43:39 PM
Quote from: suzifrommd on November 28, 2015, 03:41:59 PM
Sounds like you have a lot of challenges. It hasn't been easy on you socially or emotionally.
But I'm having trouble buying into the helplessness that seems present in your last paragraph. You are an intelligent capable person, and you have the wherewithal to change the things in your life that you see as obstacles, to approach them in a different way. I wonder if rather than pondering the questions you put here, a better question might be, "What do I need to change for my life to be more like I want it to be?"
Hugs, Katelyn. I hope this helps. Not exactly what you want to hear, but it's what I got.
I'm lost in the woods and I haven't been able to figure the direction out for at least the past 8 years. I've tried endlessly to figure it out but I go back to being lost.
But really, I don't feel like I fit at all into this world. How can I build any life when my own identity just doesn't fit in? People can't deal with someone who doesn't have a fixed identity (I've read a few articles and postings from / on people who are bigendered, bisexual, and people with multiple personalities so I know.) I'm destined to be seen as a freak, a weirdo, and that's too much for me to bear.
Title: Re: Am I lucky or am I not?
Post by: Mariah on November 28, 2015, 07:05:14 PM
Post by: Mariah on November 28, 2015, 07:05:14 PM
:police:
The title has been changed twice do to a TOS 11 violation. I can understand you may not like that, but if it is changed again with another violation you will be penalized next time. No questions asked. We make changes to bring your post in compliance with the TOS. If you have an issue with actions we take please take them up with us or an admin, but do not make changes that result in another TOS violation.
:police:
The title has been changed twice do to a TOS 11 violation. I can understand you may not like that, but if it is changed again with another violation you will be penalized next time. No questions asked. We make changes to bring your post in compliance with the TOS. If you have an issue with actions we take please take them up with us or an admin, but do not make changes that result in another TOS violation.
:police:
Title: Re: Am I lucky or am I not?
Post by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 08:30:26 PM
Post by: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 08:30:26 PM
^ I wish that was the most I had to worry about. Using any other word trivializes the situation that I'm going through.
Title: Re: Am I lucky or am I not?
Post by: Dena on November 28, 2015, 08:38:34 PM
Post by: Dena on November 28, 2015, 08:38:34 PM
I don't know if you know me but I had my surgery 33 years ago and have lived as a woman ever since. There are two things you need to do. The first is decide where you will be comfortable in the world. I was lucky in that I had that answered at age 13. The second thing you have to do is tell the world were to go and do what makes you comfortable. I don't care if I am mis gendered or if people know about my past because I am happy with the life I currently live. It's not easy ignoring what others expect of you but you are doing this for your self and not to please others. If you think I can help you work through this, feel free to post your questions.
Title: Re: Am I lucky or am I not?
Post by: Mariah on November 28, 2015, 08:49:35 PM
Post by: Mariah on November 28, 2015, 08:49:35 PM
I know and we understand that totally. You have a lot going on with your situation and that sometimes we need to vent. An idea in the future that would have worked would have been all asterisks instead of the word in question. No letters at all. This way you have complied with the rule, but have given the meaning you were hoping for at the same time. It's frustrating I know, but we can't let you get away with something and not anyone else. It's not fair. We all get into these moments and just need to release a few good colorful words, but we can't. Hugs
Mariah
Mariah
Quote from: Katelyn on November 28, 2015, 08:30:26 PM
^ I wish that was the most I had to worry about. Using any other word trivializes the situation that I'm going through.