Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello,

This is my first post here... been lurking for a while and finally decided to go for it...

I had prepared a wall of text a while back to explain where I'm coming from and how I realized I was trans, and even asking if I was... I think it's pretty clear after seeing all the responses to the "am I trans?" questions, that I am...
Like many I guess that I realized this after the whole Cait Jenner story... this was the moment I realized that maybe that's my "problem", since I've pretty much been doing all she's been doing for a while...

In short, I'm in my mid thirties, 3 young kids (< 4 yrs old) and married. I've felt this way for years, cross dressed since before I was 10. Crossed dressed a few times with her in intimacy. I don't think she knows what's up, she just thought it was a bit weird but went for it. She has had chronic pain for years, and that's pretty much all we ever talk about. I'm keeping everything bottled up.
My disphoria is getting worse and worse, it yoyo's, goes away, then kicks back in even harder... Whenever she wears make up, nail polish or gets ready for an evening with friends, it kicks in and makes me want to punch walls while yelling "this is unfair!!!! I don't want to wear these pants, I want to wear a dress, make up and have long hair!!!!"

I would like to get rid of this... but evidently, there is no way to... Feels like I could power through but then I fear that I'd realize too late that it was a mistake and transition when it is much harder to pass. (I'm thin, lots of hair, and I think I could pass now).

This horrible feeling of being stuck won't go away, it's interfering with my day to day life, my brain won't stop thinking about it, no matter what I do... I hate it! It's either this, or I go through all the pain that goes with transition, and possibly lose everything... And to add onto it, my internal transphobia isn't helping...

Anyways, now that I'm here... what do I do? Should I talk to her about it or talk to a therapist before even trying to approach the subject?
She's going to ask me why I'm going to see a therapist if I end up going this direction...

I've been on the verge of telling her a few times when the disphoria was making me nuts. I thought of approaching it like "you know, I realized something recently... all this cross dressing business, I think I found out what the problem is...". I don't want her to feel like I deceived her.... I mean, I really only found out what it was in 2015... I thought it was only a fetish... turns out it's a bit more...

I need help.

Thanks

My wife is my backbone, and she still struggles with my transition, she's happy for me, but does not like it, it threw her world upside down.  I also know I could not do this without her.  Talking to a therapist is necessary, having said that, talking to your wife is the most important, she's your wife.  Open dialogue is the most important thing you can do for your relationship, and your transition, most marriages end after transition, for a variety of reasons, but I think most end because of lack of talking.

Moral of the story, tell your wife.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am willing to talk with you and the short of it is I had reassignment surgery 33 years ago and understand where you are. I would suggest you explain to your wife that you need therapy to deal with issues you have. As you haven't been diagnosed, you can leave it open as to what you feel. After you get in therapy you may discover you fit in the non binary area or you might be transsexual. Once you understand that, you will know better how to handle your wife. It appears you wish to remain with the family so you should reassure her of your love and that you have no intention of leaving her. For you wife, fear of the unknown will be the biggest problem and the next will come if you decide you are transsexual. She would then have to decide if she wishes to remain in the marriage. Take a single small step at a time because you are still in the process of self discovery and it may take a few more months before you are sure what your future will be. I will attempt to answer any question you pose for me so just post it on this thread and I will see it.

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Well, you know your wife best. (BTW- My wife has been suffering from chronic pain for some 15 years now. Timing may likely be a major factor for you between not in the mood for anything or hyper anxiety from the meds)

If you aren't planning on taking any immediate steps towards transitioning, rather just wanting to sort things out in your mind first as to where you might be or feel comfortable in the broad spectrum of transgender, I would try to see a for real gender therapist first. Or, at least one who is somewhat TG knowledgeable. A TG support group is also a great place to start between getting leads on local therapists and for.... support. I was totally blown away the night of my first meeting. Seeing and hearing other people in real life whose stories are similar to yours is amazing.

To look at this another way, so SOMETHING for yourself to help quiet or stop the noise. If like me, that is(or was) a somewhat foreign concept. Just getting a better basic understanding of yourself, your feelings and Most Important, UnLearning all the bad behaviours and thinking that a lifetime of trying to beat down being trans turned you into. Not untill you finally get to know the real you can you see what that person my truly want.

Or, to look at it yet another way... Transition is to change. I changed in many negative ways by not handling being trans. Over the past 6-7 years I reversed that. I am no longer that lifeless, soulless, angry thing I turned into. I am a person my wife loves more then ever. (OK I still get the "I did not marry a woman" bit).

Seven years ago when I decided to take on the trans beast for real transitioning was the absolute last thing on my agenda. Been there, tried it twice in my 20's. I knew absolutely I needed to figure out how to get the two great aspects of me, the female and the male, to live happily in one body, mind and spirit. That took a ton of work but I am I think a good 80% or more there. I still live and present primarily as male for a variety of reasons, the biggest being "The Us", followed by I have the option to (today). I have not yet joined the Transition or Die club, only filled out the forms and haven't yet hit submit.

Now, if you feel you are a member of that club, then the sooner you tell your wife the better. Just know the answers to a few basic questions she'll have first like The Plan, When?  What about her? The Kids? The divorce, or not?

I agree with Dena. I would talk to a therapist then shortly there after talk to your wife. Keeping her in the dark about it is unfair for everyone. I would ask the therapist for advice on how to talk to your wife about your gender issues and go from there. The longer you keep your secret from her the harder it will become to tell her in the future. It sounds like the path you are on now (100% male) is not the path you need to be on but as long as you don't tell your wife you will have to remain on it. Best of luck to you on your journey.  :)

I'm also in my late thirties with two kids under 4. I started with a therapist before telling my wife anything, so I could understand myself better to help explain things to my wife, but the emotional impact of opening up to my therapist (the first person ever), hit me very hard. I tried to keep a normal act up at home, but my wife knew something was up, and I had to open up to her before I had planned to. I don't think there is a right or wrong order to do it, but I hope it goes well for you, whichever path you take.

just be honest with her. maybe do a date night at home, cook something she likes and lots of liquor ready, she may need it :x
i find it easy to come out and tell people the time when they're happy. they're likely to at least listen and think about it rather than have any negative feedbacks.
i have my best bud who is like a "wife" to me. it's kinda, even not in any sexual way. i just tell him it's not right to call me a girl, or try to be my spokesperson in front of others, then that is it. i told my therapy about our friendship and how important he is in my life, i can't leave him clueless. it's best to brief the person about what you're going through and let them think overnight, then the next day therapy. lol. i tried to calculate. you leave them time to think, but not a lot of time to drive them nuts, still enough to get them ready. then the therapist will come in between and help you two.

we went to the therapy for the first time and it definitely turned my bud upside down. but after a few times he's glad i brought him in. in his own words, he says he understands more about my feelings and what i'm struggling with. that's what makes him become more supportive than he already was.

I agree with Dena. I was seeing my therapist 2.5 months prior to telling my wife.

When I came out to my wife I told her I wanted to express and get fully corrected.  I waited 3 years for her to accept my path. Tomorrow we see a divorce mediator. I wish you luck.

Rachel

Thanks Everyone for the great feedback!

This feels so unfair though... I'm so mad at society for making us go through this...

What are the chances of me keeping this bottled up forever? Is it even possible? I mean besides my wife's chronic pain condition, everything is pretty nice in my life...

How did those who suffer from this do it before HRT was even possible?

Quote from: JoanneB on November 29, 2015, 10:24:04 AM
Well, you know your wife best. (BTW- My wife has been suffering from chronic pain for some 15 years now. Timing may likely be a major factor for you between not in the mood for anything or hyper anxiety from the meds)

That's one of the issues... she's always in pain and never disconnects from it... Docs had tried to tell her to stop talking about it all day as it shifts her brain in a state of constant awareness of pain... She won't do any of the prescribed relaxation techniques... This is literally all we ever talk about... ever!
If I bring another topic of conversation, it always goes back to her and the pain in a minute or two, and most of the time, things like "well, I have pain and you don't! Relaxation won't help it, I have a real problem that's not in my head!!", and one that I hate: "You have no idea what it feels like when you're not well in your own body!"... nope, I sure have no idea what that feels...

What kills me is that I've stayed with her throughout all this, it's been about 9 years now... I took her to docs, we traveled the world looking for treatments, this cost me tons of money, yet, I stayed with her... I haven't been the most supportive all the time, it takes a toll on me at times, but I have tried all I reasonably could... yet I feel that if I tell her, all I'll hear is that it's not a real problem, I can get over it the same way "I" (really, the docs, but blaming me is easier), told her to ease the pain with relaxation...

When we argued, I sometimes brought the topic of whether she'd still be with me if I was in pain and refused to do everything possible to heal, even as she begged me to do it... She said she'd understand and would try everything to help me... yet I have absolute doubts about it if I was mean to her and refused to do everything possible to heal...

Quote from: JoanneB on November 29, 2015, 10:24:04 AM
If you aren't planning on taking any immediate steps towards transitioning, rather just wanting to sort things out in your mind first as to where you might be or feel comfortable in the broad spectrum of transgender, I would try to see a for real gender therapist first. Or, at least one who is somewhat TG knowledgeable. A TG support group is also a great place to start between getting leads on local therapists and for.... support. I was totally blown away the night of my first meeting. Seeing and hearing other people in real life whose stories are similar to yours is amazing.

It's tough for me to disappear in secret like this... I work from home and she has so many appointments for PT, Chiro, massage, I randomly have to baby sit the kids... My interests always have lower priority since she has the  "I have pain" card that trumps everything... so if she has an appointment, I most of the time have to cancel my stuff to baby sit if the sitter isn't available...

When the pain was out of control this year, I started to go see a therapist, but I couldn't really hide it for long, she's so persistent with her questioning, and she *hated* me going to see him... because she knows her management of the condition is not what the docs recommend...

Quote from: JoanneB on November 29, 2015, 10:24:04 AM
Now, if you feel you are a member of that club, then the sooner you tell your wife the better. Just know the answers to a few basic questions she'll have first like The Plan, When?  What about her? The Kids? The divorce, or not?

That's what is so horrible about the whole thing... tell and potentially face a sh_t storm from every direction... or not tell and face that sh_t storm in my head forever...

Thanks for your reply :)

Quote from: Dena on November 29, 2015, 10:15:19 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. I am willing to talk with you and the short of it is I had reassignment surgery 33 years ago and understand where you are. I would suggest you explain to your wife that you need therapy to deal with issues you have.

That's the issue, I can't out of the blue tell her that I have to go see someone for some issues I have... she's going to suspect something and knowing her, she will *not* let go until she has what she wants...

Quote from: Dena on November 29, 2015, 10:15:19 AM
She would then have to decide if she wishes to remain in the marriage.

This is one of the things that scare me the most... If we get divorced, I'm going to lose my kids... That would crush me... Right now, I make all the money, she hasn't worked for years because of her chronic pain... but then in front of a judge, what chances do I have when I'm that "weirdo that changed genders"??? (in quotes as I think this is what society things of Trans today unfortunately... at least those I know and when I read comments online...)

Thanks!

Quote from: meganjames2 on November 29, 2015, 10:33:35 AM
I'm also in my late thirties with two kids under 4. I started with a therapist before telling my wife anything, so I could understand myself better to help explain things to my wife, but the emotional impact of opening up to my therapist (the first person ever), hit me very hard. I tried to keep a normal act up at home, but my wife knew something was up, and I had to open up to her before I had planned to. I don't think there is a right or wrong order to do it, but I hope it goes well for you, whichever path you take.

Thanks, how are things going now with the kids?

I'm convinced that going through this when they are young is the best way to do it though... Besides, going through the news, a lot of teens are coming out, and I suspect this is going to become the norm soon... I mean, had I known that this was even a thing, I would have brought it up before I was 15 for sure...

Would you mind elaborating on the "hit me hard" part?

Quote from: confusedlauren on November 30, 2015, 09:38:07 AM
This feels so unfair though... I'm so mad at society for making us go through this...

What are the chances of me keeping this bottled up forever? Is it even possible? I mean besides my wife's chronic pain condition, everything is pretty nice in my life...

How did those who suffer from this do it before HRT was even possible?

Society doesn't make us go through this, we put ourselves through this trying to conform to society. The most dangerous day for me was also the best day for me because I decide the only way to continue living was to seek treatment. More or less that was the day I told society where to go.

It's really not HRT that makes the pain go away, it's living life as a woman. Blockers may remove some of the discomfort but without blockers I reached the point where I was comfortable in my new life before surgery. Had surgery not been available, I could have remained in the feminine role and been more or less content. I never regretted the surgery but the lifestyle is the goal

Quote from: confusedlauren on November 30, 2015, 09:55:38 AM
That's one of the issues... she's always in pain and never disconnects from it... Docs had tried to tell her to stop talking about it all day as it shifts her brain in a state of constant awareness of pain... She won't do any of the prescribed relaxation techniques... This is literally all we ever talk about... ever!
If I bring another topic of conversation, it always goes back to her and the pain in a minute or two, and most of the time, things like "well, I have pain and you don't! Relaxation won't help it, I have a real problem that's not in my head!!", and one that I hate: "You have no idea what it feels like when you're not well in your own body!"... nope, I sure have no idea what that feels...

What kills me is that I've stayed with her throughout all this, it's been about 9 years now... I took her to docs, we traveled the world looking for treatments, this cost me tons of money, yet, I stayed with her... I haven't been the most supportive all the time, it takes a toll on me at times, but I have tried all I reasonably could... yet I feel that if I tell her, all I'll hear is that it's not a real problem, I can get over it the same way "I" (really, the docs, but blaming me is easier), told her to ease the pain with relaxation...

When we argued, I sometimes brought the topic of whether she'd still be with me if I was in pain and refused to do everything possible to heal, even as she begged me to do it... She said she'd understand and would try everything to help me... yet I have absolute doubts about it if I was mean to her and refused to do everything possible to heal...

It's tough for me to disappear in secret like this... I work from home and she has so many appointments for PT, Chiro, massage, I randomly have to baby sit the kids... My interests always have lower priority since she has the  "I have pain" card that trumps everything... so if she has an appointment, I most of the time have to cancel my stuff to baby sit if the sitter isn't available...

When the pain was out of control this year, I started to go see a therapist, but I couldn't really hide it for long, she's so persistent with her questioning, and she *hated* me going to see him... because she knows her management of the condition is not what the docs recommend...

That's what is so horrible about the whole thing... tell and potentially face a sh_t storm from every direction... or not tell and face that sh_t storm in my head forever...

There is the answer to your question. Nobody can take that type of abuse for an unlimited period of time. You need therapy just to keep your sanity if you wish to continue living with her. A marriage is 50/50. Yes, she may have special needs but she needs to return the favor if this is a marriage and not slavery. If you are giving 100% and she is giving back nothing like thanks or gratitude, you are in a very unhealthy environment and you need therapy or a lawyer because you will not be able to withstand this indefinitely.

My opinion is she needs to spend time way from you in a pain clinic where she will be force to deal with her issues. You will also need training to keep her from falling back into the old patterns once she is back in your care.

This life style is unhealthy even if your aren't TG and it isn't going to get any better unless you address both issues in your life.

Quote from: confusedlauren on November 30, 2015, 10:03:02 AM
Thanks for your reply :)

That's the issue, I can't out of the blue tell her that I have to go see someone for some issues I have... she's going to suspect something and knowing her, she will *not* let go until she has what she wants...

This is one of the things that scare me the most... If we get divorced, I'm going to lose my kids... That would crush me... Right now, I make all the money, she hasn't worked for years because of her chronic pain... but then in front of a judge, what chances do I have when I'm that "weirdo that changed genders"??? (in quotes as I think this is what society things of Trans today unfortunately... at least those I know and when I read comments online...)

Don't even think that you are a weirdo. You have a birth defect that has only one treatment. Most judges will understand this but you need a lawyer to tell you what your rights are. If your wife is unable to take care of the kids because of her chronic pain. The judge would be better off awarding the kids to you because you are already providing much of their care. In this case, you have a problem but your wife is the one who is mentally ill. Anyone who refuse to do what is needed to get better has a mental problem and your wife refusal to follow doctors order fits the description.

You need to start taking care of your self or soon you won't be any good to your wife or your children.

Seems like both our wives are somewhat non-compliant. Mine get the constant "You need to move, exercise, strengthen your muscles, etc.."; the meditation spiel  and, finally, her favorite, "Have you seen a therapist?". That is when she goes ballistic. WTF!!! She fell 40-50 feet straight down from a tree, sent her leg through her pelvis, in traction for 6 months, told at age 14 that she'd be dead by 21. After 40 years of walking around and a very athletic life with one side 2" shorter then other her back looks like a pretzel. She was finally able to find a doc willing to do a hip replacement about 10 years ago, got her back some length, but now the back is worse.

I know your routine well. I call it No Me Time. You certainly have it worse. Both time wise and (sorry) wife-wise. It sounds like she is using the chronic pain as a means to manipulate you, for attention, or whatever. It is the center of her life. And, TBH, a lot of codependency and enabling on your part. Part of the trans baggage I suspect

Perhaps the best first step of doing something for you is dropping the T-Bomb and let the chips fall as they may. Especially if you tie in all the emotional dis-ease you have with having to simultaneously cope with the GD and her slowly dying or wasting away, keeping the empire afloat, a roof over yours & the baby's head etc.. Psychic pain can be just as debilitating as physical pain. Then put it plain and simple that you NEED to see a therapist for the GD as well as the rest.

(aside - have you looked into a spinal cord stimulator for her?)

Quote from: confusedlauren on November 30, 2015, 09:38:07 AM
Thanks Everyone for the great feedback!

This feels so unfair though... I'm so mad at society for making us go through this...

What are the chances of me keeping this bottled up forever? Is it even possible? I mean besides my wife's chronic pain condition, everything is pretty nice in my life...

How did those who suffer from this do it before HRT was even possible?

I'm 52 and I tried to keep it bottled up forever.  I went so deep in denial that I convinced myself I was just a guy with a feminine side.  This, despite having researched transitioning three times in my life.

In my early forties I started having really bad panic attacks.  I thought it was the stress from work.  Then the anxiety jacked my blood pressure.

A year or so ago, I finally came to terms with myself, and about eight months ago I started dressing around the house.  The moment I started dressing, my blood pressure went back down to normal, and the panic attacks stopped cold.

So frankly, I think if you try to keep it bottled up forever, you will eventually wreck your health.  At some point in order to stay healthy, you will have to reach some accommodation with yourself.  Whether that is private dressing, partial or complete transition, none of us here knows.  That will be for you to determine.

Quote from: Dena on November 30, 2015, 08:20:13 PM
There is the answer to your question. Nobody can take that type of abuse for an unlimited period of time. You need therapy just to keep your sanity if you wish to continue living with her. A marriage is 50/50. Yes, she may have special needs but she needs to return the favor if this is a marriage and not slavery. If you are giving 100% and she is giving back nothing like thanks or gratitude, you are in a very unhealthy environment and you need therapy or a lawyer because you will not be able to withstand this indefinitely.

I did go to therapy for a while, just to vent, but it was not super effective... I ended up lying to the therapist just to get out of it... I felt that I wasn't going to many any progress... We didn't approach the gender identity issues at all during these sessions.

Lately, I did however found a way to regain control over the situation with her. I'm starting to stop blaming myself or feeling guilty when blame happens. I realized that her threats are void most of the time and the world doesn't end if I don't do what she wants. But most of all, I found a way to stop any kind of increase of tension. Whenever she tries to start something, pushes my buttons, I get into a "quick responses, to the point" mode which doesn't elevate tension and for some reason, makes her stop. I force myself *not to talk* more than I should when this happens. Like I'm closing the discussion about all those subjects we've discussed millions of times.

This has worked for a couple of weeks, and she's been in crazy flare ups, the type that would have created a sh_t storm in the house in the past. Seems like I was feeding the problem with my responses. I guess when rationality doesn't work, just don't bring it up.

Not sure why I'm talking about this though, it seems unrelated to the whole problem...

Quote from: Dena on November 30, 2015, 08:20:13 PM
My opinion is she needs to spend time way from you in a pain clinic where she will be force to deal with her issues. You will also need training to keep her from falling back into the old patterns once she is back in your care.
This life style is unhealthy even if your aren't TG and it isn't going to get any better unless you address both issues in your life.

I will keep doing what I'm doing with the fight avoidance tactics, whenever we fight, she has more pain and it's always 51% my fault, if it keeps the crazy stuff to a minimum, maybe things will get better and I can tell her in a more serene environment.

Quote from: Dena on November 30, 2015, 08:20:13 PM
Don't even think that you are a weirdo. You have a birth defect that has only one treatment. Most judges will understand this but you need a lawyer to tell you what your rights are. If your wife is unable to take care of the kids because of her chronic pain. The judge would be better off awarding the kids to you because you are already providing much of their care. In this case, you have a problem but your wife is the one who is mentally ill. Anyone who refuse to do what is needed to get better has a mental problem and your wife refusal to follow doctors order fits the description.
You need to start taking care of your self or soon you won't be any good to your wife or your children.

Thanks for the advice. I never really thought about it being a birth defect. The issue is that in most people's head, it's not the case... and it's tough... there's a long fight ahead of all of us...

Quote from: JoanneB on November 30, 2015, 08:46:21 PM
Seems like both our wives are somewhat non-compliant. Mine get the constant "You need to move, exercise, strengthen your muscles, etc.."; the meditation spiel  and, finally, her favorite, "Have you seen a therapist?". That is when she goes ballistic. WTF!!!

Oh man, I've heard this so many times... I actually went with her to couples therapy, we stopped because she wouldn't follow the simplest advice... like limit the obsession to like 30mn every night, and then no more talking about pain...

I even went to see her therapist last time, a guy specialized in pelvic pain patients, and I was full of hope. He did tell me that the road was going to be long, because mostly of what happened to her when she was young... Both her parents are alcoholics... in a bad way... her dad shot his liver, got in a coma for weeks, got a transplant and is drinking again... he never cares about her, lies about drinking when he comes over, hides bottles in *my* house, and her mom is drunk 99% of the time she calls her... they are divorced and she told me she's seen crazy stuff when she was young... her mom isn't the most stable person in the world, and I guess that picking up your dad half naked on the floor when he's passed out in his vomit isn't the best way to grow up...

Quote from: JoanneB on November 30, 2015, 08:46:21 PM
She fell 40-50 feet straight down from a tree, sent her leg through her pelvis, in traction for 6 months, told at age 14 that she'd be dead by 21. After 40 years of walking around and a very athletic life with one side 2" shorter then other her back looks like a pretzel. She was finally able to find a doc willing to do a hip replacement about 10 years ago, got her back some length, but now the back is worse.

Sorry to read that... I know how you feel... :-/

Quote from: JoanneB on November 30, 2015, 08:46:21 PM
I know your routine well. I call it No Me Time. You certainly have it worse. Both time wise and (sorry) wife-wise. It sounds like she is using the chronic pain as a means to manipulate you, for attention, or whatever. It is the center of her life. And, TBH, a lot of codependency and enabling on your part. Part of the trans baggage I suspect

Yep, I'm sure I'm enabling this to some degree... I'm too "nice" and I hate to be a bother... About the manipulation with the pain, that's something I have told her repeatedly... She denies using it as an excuse but I've called her BS multiple times... even made her apologize once when she was clearly lying about it... (of it's fine to go to the department store, but when it's something I want to do, you have pain? come on, you're using the pain, admit it!)

In my previous answer, I mentioned a way to stop my part in the whole process. You might want to give it a read, it has worked fine for me so far. We've been fight free for a couple of weeks which is quite exceptional.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 30, 2015, 08:46:21 PM
Perhaps the best first step of doing something for you is dropping the T-Bomb and let the chips fall as they may. Especially if you tie in all the emotional dis-ease you have with having to simultaneously cope with the GD and her slowly dying or wasting away, keeping the empire afloat, a roof over yours & the baby's head etc.. Psychic pain can be just as debilitating as physical pain. Then put it plain and simple that you NEED to see a therapist for the GD as well as the rest.

I'm starting to seriously consider it...  It took a tremendous amount of effort to go see the previous therapist... but I guess I don't really have a choice... I feel that if I don't do something about this, it's going to end badly :-/

Thanks for the spinal cord stimulator, I will look into it.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 30, 2015, 10:03:16 PM
I'm 52 and I tried to keep it bottled up forever.  I went so deep in denial that I convinced myself I was just a guy with a feminine side.  This, despite having researched transitioning three times in my life.

In my early forties I started having really bad panic attacks.  I thought it was the stress from work.  Then the anxiety jacked my blood pressure.

I'm not at this stage although last week end, as she was getting ready to go to a diner, I was burning inside... I wanted to go in my office and shout... this was taking over me completely...

What did those panic attack materialize at?

Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 30, 2015, 10:03:16 PM
A year or so ago, I finally came to terms with myself, and about eight months ago I started dressing around the house.  The moment I started dressing, my blood pressure went back down to normal, and the panic attacks stopped cold.

Same thing happens to me... it's liberating... I have no words to explain it... I feel so jealous when my wife tells me she has nothing to wear... I hate my clothes. Boring stuff, ugly colors, no fancy things... I'm letting my hair grow and I'm dying to put clips and things in them... if only it was socially acceptable... argh...
I have nice straight blonde hair, I can't wait to see what it looks like when they are longer ;)

Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 30, 2015, 10:03:16 PM
So frankly, I think if you try to keep it bottled up forever, you will eventually wreck your health.  At some point in order to stay healthy, you will have to reach some accommodation with yourself.  Whether that is private dressing, partial or complete transition, none of us here knows.  That will be for you to determine.

That's the thing that worries me... what's annoying is that it comes and goes... a couple of weeks ago, for a day or two, I wasn't so obsessed about it, I thought it was going away... then it came back...

My niece is very rebellious and has been from a very young age. Each of her parents handled her differently. Her mother would argue with here and as the result my niece really didn't respect her mother. My brother would lay down the law and there would be no more discussion. Of the two, my brother was far more effective in controlling her than her mother. You have learned that lesson by laying down the law and ending the discussion. When two people can have a rational discussion, then do so. If one wish to act like a child, the other must act as an adult.

This is a very important step forward for you because you are making the first step to get what you want out of life. If your wife had her way, you would continue to be her slave. Neither of you would get healthy that way and now both of you have a shot at getting better. It is clear you will have to be the strong one in the family but you can be strong and feminine at the same time. My mother has proven this as she is the real backbone of the family.

As for therapy, you only get out of it what you put into it. When I started therapy, there were no secrets and the only thing my therapist suggest that I didn't do was that I lose my virginity to see what it was like. I knew then it wasn't the answer to my problem and I still have my virginity.

Quote from: Dena on December 01, 2015, 05:02:17 PM
My niece is very rebellious and has been from a very young age. Each of her parents handled her differently. Her mother would argue with here and as the result my niece really didn't respect her mother. My brother would lay down the law and there would be no more discussion. Of the two, my brother was far more effective in controlling her than her mother. You have learned that lesson by laying down the law and ending the discussion. When two people can have a rational discussion, then do so. If one wish to act like a child, the other must act as an adult.

Great way to put it. Hopefully, this trick will keep on working.

Quote from: Dena on December 01, 2015, 05:02:17 PM
This is a very important step forward for you because you are making the first step to get what you want out of life. If your wife had her way, you would continue to be her slave. Neither of you would get healthy that way and now both of you have a shot at getting better. It is clear you will have to be the strong one in the family but you can be strong and feminine at the same time. My mother has proven this as she is the real backbone of the family.

I've already been pretty strong for a while if I listen to what my entourage has to say about what's going on... While we went through this whole mess, I started my company, and it's doing pretty well. I'm glad that I had the blind will to keep going despite all the issues. I guess I had a goal set... It's pretty selfish of me in a way, but it trickles down to her (and the kids) as she gets to enjoy the success with a credit card that never gets declined. I did work a lot for years building this company and it wasn't always easy on her end either.

Quote from: Dena on December 01, 2015, 05:02:17 PM
As for therapy, you only get out of it what you put into it. When I started therapy, there were no secrets and the only thing my therapist suggest that I didn't do was that I lose my virginity to see what it was like. I knew then it wasn't the answer to my problem and I still have my virginity.

I guess I didn't put enough in it...