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Title: Hello!
Post by: SophiaBleu on November 30, 2015, 09:16:16 PM
Post by: SophiaBleu on November 30, 2015, 09:16:16 PM
Hello!
Hey! Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Sophia, and well, I've been working out the kinks for about 5 years now, on and off. I'm not sure what happened, but in 2010, it's like a light went off. Rather, a lightning strike. Like, gnosis, I just knew. I think what happened is I came across a word that really put everything, every thought, every action into sharp relief. I was the typical young boy, almost. I played soccer religiously, played capture the flag, and other rec sports. I had a lot of friends, was excitable, and usually the life of the party. I gravitated, however, to girls. Like I wanted to be with them all the time. Sure, some of it was puberty and raging hormones, but really, the amount of time I spent with the girls was a bit much, lol. Growing into my teens, I became super sensitive and receptive to peoples problems. Well, too many peoples problems created too many problems for me, so I shut down. I shut down the receptive side of my personality. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't become a dick(well, for a few short months I did, hahahaha, but that was much later). I just didn't allow peoples vibes to affect mine. High school, and I was stuck between multiple worlds, not really fitting into any one group, which was okay by me. My closest friends, however, were girls. I ended up having a crush on most of my girlfriends, ha! Ding! Ding! Sure, these girls were beautiful, both inside and out. Artistic, smart, creative, wonderful GIRLS. But still, even though there was some unease, I was still (happily) oblivious.
Off to college I go, then out of college I go. Jobs at bookstores led to some interesting friends and an expanded mind. I started watching arty, indie type movies and noticed that I was really digging the movies with lesbians in them. Pervert? Possibly!! *snicker* But, the reality, is that I was living through these characters. Imagine Me and You, All Over Me, But I'm A Cheerleader, I Can't Think Straight, Go Fish, Loving Annabelle, and on and on and on...Any movie between 1995 and 2001 that had a lesbian theme, I probably saw, including some of the really small, ->-bleeped-<-ty ones. But I was tripping because I identified so strongly with these characters. Like hardcore. So much so that I took to the internet. I started searching for...male lesbians!!! hahahaha!! crazy right? Well, I didn't know what to think. Things were not adding up. One of my friends tried setting me up with a guy but eew no not for me, at least not then(and not necessarily now either). I read Tales of the City in 1993 and instantly identified with Anna Madrigal. During college, I carried(although unknown to me) a purse for an entire year. Talking about it now with my mom, she just thought it was something that I would normally do, and hasn't really thought anything except, Oh, that's my crazy son. Grooving to the beat of his own drum. Also in college, I regularly wore dresses, although at the time, it didn't seem like such a big deal. My roommate wore dresses too. We were arty college freshman expressing ourselves. How I wish that same joie de vivre, that same "carelessness" followed me through the years. In retrospect, I was shouting out loud but very quietly. I think it is important to state that these things were not coalescing into trans* for me. I was beginning to think I was some kind of freak. And by 2001, I was in a depressed cycle. I had been cycling through most of 2000-2001. Psych, meds, diagnoses followed. Got straightened out, stopped doing drugs, became a hermit, and built an online life. In that online life, I was able to express myself, freely, and without thought or care. Around this time, I was watching The L Word. There was a very short arc about a male lesbian. HAHAHAHA!!! Even though the character was made to prove a point, I was still like, AHA!! I can't be crazy! I am not some genius! If i thought of it, surely, someone else had thought of it too. So off to youtube I went, searching for male lesbians. Got a couple of hits too. Crazy, I know. Awesome Sauce. Fast forward to the late aughts, and I was again spiraling. Using drugs, my Crohn's disease was uncontrolled, my bipolar disorder was untreated. Wife demanded I go to rehab/outpatient recovery for my bipolar/drug issues. In circle during the first session of the first day, I met a man who was trying to break his crossdressing habit. Well, I was like, don't stop! Nothing to be ashamed of, but of course, his ->-bleeped-<- is tied in with some other stuff that isn't so good. Anyway, it was at that point, in that session, that I put it all together. And it was a REVELATION!!! it shouldn't have been, but it was. For someone considered(by my parents, at least) so smart, I had been soooo dumb, so slow to see the big picture. Right there, in that group, I said, "I'm Trans". And that was that.
From that point on, the search began. Books, books, and more books. I think my first book was called Trueselves. As luck(but wait, we know that there isn't really luck. Rather, there is the RIGHT time) would have it, I also found the trueselves group. I joined, but didn't talk too much. I was much more concerned with information. What this would mean for me, so on so forth. Oh, I should mention, that while in outpatient, a f**king therapist outed me to my wife. She knew something had been going on with me, and it made sense to her. But she didn't want to be married to a woman. She was hetero, and wanted to be married to a man. And while I would, not by any stretch, be considered a macho man, her version of me being a man was what she wanted. Divorce was talked about, and eventually settled on. I was not happy. I didn't want to lose my wife, and I was not strong enough to transition. I had done all this research and I had been going to a therapist outside of outpatient for about 6 months. Well, after outpatient, and I was nice and shiny and new,we talked and she diagnosed me with GID(as well as a rediagnosis of BP, GAD, and some other stuff, clearing the way to get started with the hormones. Still, I was scared. Going through this alone, with the alarming rate of violence to trans people, especially tpoc and twoc, well, I just couldn't do it. So I put all the trans stuff away. Created nice little boxes in my head to fit everything all nice and neat. Went about life as a guy(but not really. I was my regular old self,,i.e. not shaving legs,arms, and the like). The wife and I talked it over. I assured her that everything was cool. And it was. I'm very good at tricking myself, lol. So anyway, slowly but surely, these ole' trans feelings started creeping back in. This time, however, I modeled myself as a Trans Ally. And I was. And I am. But I am also masquerading. Still the cowardly lion, but taking more, and bolder steps this time around. I have been inundating the wife with trans stuff. She seems to have chilled a bit. We'll see how that goes. But I am that water that the dam tried to hold. I feel myself gaining power. I am breaking down that damn dam and letting the floods come. At least, I think so. I have made more steps, in terms of talking with people, than in 2010 -2012.
Reg Stuff
Sophia
42 years
married for 11 years
no kids
pre everything
will probably have to go back to a therapist. I guess I could just contact my old one.
want to start with low dose hormones. I really want soft skin, ahahhaha! yayay!!!
Other than that, I am a lover of books, art, music, poetry, writing, the humanities, all that stuff basically. I am really friendly and am ready to start talking. Hopefully, yall will want to talk to me!
I have written way too much. I should leave a tl;dr but this isn't ->-bleeped-<-.
Thanks
Sophia!
Hey! Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Sophia, and well, I've been working out the kinks for about 5 years now, on and off. I'm not sure what happened, but in 2010, it's like a light went off. Rather, a lightning strike. Like, gnosis, I just knew. I think what happened is I came across a word that really put everything, every thought, every action into sharp relief. I was the typical young boy, almost. I played soccer religiously, played capture the flag, and other rec sports. I had a lot of friends, was excitable, and usually the life of the party. I gravitated, however, to girls. Like I wanted to be with them all the time. Sure, some of it was puberty and raging hormones, but really, the amount of time I spent with the girls was a bit much, lol. Growing into my teens, I became super sensitive and receptive to peoples problems. Well, too many peoples problems created too many problems for me, so I shut down. I shut down the receptive side of my personality. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't become a dick(well, for a few short months I did, hahahaha, but that was much later). I just didn't allow peoples vibes to affect mine. High school, and I was stuck between multiple worlds, not really fitting into any one group, which was okay by me. My closest friends, however, were girls. I ended up having a crush on most of my girlfriends, ha! Ding! Ding! Sure, these girls were beautiful, both inside and out. Artistic, smart, creative, wonderful GIRLS. But still, even though there was some unease, I was still (happily) oblivious.
Off to college I go, then out of college I go. Jobs at bookstores led to some interesting friends and an expanded mind. I started watching arty, indie type movies and noticed that I was really digging the movies with lesbians in them. Pervert? Possibly!! *snicker* But, the reality, is that I was living through these characters. Imagine Me and You, All Over Me, But I'm A Cheerleader, I Can't Think Straight, Go Fish, Loving Annabelle, and on and on and on...Any movie between 1995 and 2001 that had a lesbian theme, I probably saw, including some of the really small, ->-bleeped-<-ty ones. But I was tripping because I identified so strongly with these characters. Like hardcore. So much so that I took to the internet. I started searching for...male lesbians!!! hahahaha!! crazy right? Well, I didn't know what to think. Things were not adding up. One of my friends tried setting me up with a guy but eew no not for me, at least not then(and not necessarily now either). I read Tales of the City in 1993 and instantly identified with Anna Madrigal. During college, I carried(although unknown to me) a purse for an entire year. Talking about it now with my mom, she just thought it was something that I would normally do, and hasn't really thought anything except, Oh, that's my crazy son. Grooving to the beat of his own drum. Also in college, I regularly wore dresses, although at the time, it didn't seem like such a big deal. My roommate wore dresses too. We were arty college freshman expressing ourselves. How I wish that same joie de vivre, that same "carelessness" followed me through the years. In retrospect, I was shouting out loud but very quietly. I think it is important to state that these things were not coalescing into trans* for me. I was beginning to think I was some kind of freak. And by 2001, I was in a depressed cycle. I had been cycling through most of 2000-2001. Psych, meds, diagnoses followed. Got straightened out, stopped doing drugs, became a hermit, and built an online life. In that online life, I was able to express myself, freely, and without thought or care. Around this time, I was watching The L Word. There was a very short arc about a male lesbian. HAHAHAHA!!! Even though the character was made to prove a point, I was still like, AHA!! I can't be crazy! I am not some genius! If i thought of it, surely, someone else had thought of it too. So off to youtube I went, searching for male lesbians. Got a couple of hits too. Crazy, I know. Awesome Sauce. Fast forward to the late aughts, and I was again spiraling. Using drugs, my Crohn's disease was uncontrolled, my bipolar disorder was untreated. Wife demanded I go to rehab/outpatient recovery for my bipolar/drug issues. In circle during the first session of the first day, I met a man who was trying to break his crossdressing habit. Well, I was like, don't stop! Nothing to be ashamed of, but of course, his ->-bleeped-<- is tied in with some other stuff that isn't so good. Anyway, it was at that point, in that session, that I put it all together. And it was a REVELATION!!! it shouldn't have been, but it was. For someone considered(by my parents, at least) so smart, I had been soooo dumb, so slow to see the big picture. Right there, in that group, I said, "I'm Trans". And that was that.
From that point on, the search began. Books, books, and more books. I think my first book was called Trueselves. As luck(but wait, we know that there isn't really luck. Rather, there is the RIGHT time) would have it, I also found the trueselves group. I joined, but didn't talk too much. I was much more concerned with information. What this would mean for me, so on so forth. Oh, I should mention, that while in outpatient, a f**king therapist outed me to my wife. She knew something had been going on with me, and it made sense to her. But she didn't want to be married to a woman. She was hetero, and wanted to be married to a man. And while I would, not by any stretch, be considered a macho man, her version of me being a man was what she wanted. Divorce was talked about, and eventually settled on. I was not happy. I didn't want to lose my wife, and I was not strong enough to transition. I had done all this research and I had been going to a therapist outside of outpatient for about 6 months. Well, after outpatient, and I was nice and shiny and new,we talked and she diagnosed me with GID(as well as a rediagnosis of BP, GAD, and some other stuff, clearing the way to get started with the hormones. Still, I was scared. Going through this alone, with the alarming rate of violence to trans people, especially tpoc and twoc, well, I just couldn't do it. So I put all the trans stuff away. Created nice little boxes in my head to fit everything all nice and neat. Went about life as a guy(but not really. I was my regular old self,,i.e. not shaving legs,arms, and the like). The wife and I talked it over. I assured her that everything was cool. And it was. I'm very good at tricking myself, lol. So anyway, slowly but surely, these ole' trans feelings started creeping back in. This time, however, I modeled myself as a Trans Ally. And I was. And I am. But I am also masquerading. Still the cowardly lion, but taking more, and bolder steps this time around. I have been inundating the wife with trans stuff. She seems to have chilled a bit. We'll see how that goes. But I am that water that the dam tried to hold. I feel myself gaining power. I am breaking down that damn dam and letting the floods come. At least, I think so. I have made more steps, in terms of talking with people, than in 2010 -2012.
Reg Stuff
Sophia
42 years
married for 11 years
no kids
pre everything
will probably have to go back to a therapist. I guess I could just contact my old one.
want to start with low dose hormones. I really want soft skin, ahahhaha! yayay!!!
Other than that, I am a lover of books, art, music, poetry, writing, the humanities, all that stuff basically. I am really friendly and am ready to start talking. Hopefully, yall will want to talk to me!
I have written way too much. I should leave a tl;dr but this isn't ->-bleeped-<-.
Thanks
Sophia!
Title: Re: Hello!
Post by: V M on November 30, 2015, 11:20:32 PM
Post by: V M on November 30, 2015, 11:20:32 PM
Hi Sophia :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Things that you should read
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Hugs
V M