Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So after coming out to my parents three months ago, communications between us have been scant. I invited my dad over for a curry last night to see how he's feeling, and I think he's quite open about the whole thing, though rightly concerned that I make the right decision. But he then said my Mum says if I transition, I won't exist to her anymore and all my old pictures will be taken down. I would always want a relationship with my parents, I love them both, but I feel I should be more upset than I feel right now. I accepted that when I came out I might in the worst case lose all my family, so I feel quite flat about my mum's position. I just wanted to share this, I still hope time might mend things with my mum.

big, big hugs Megan

All I can say is I came out to my wife and kids just over 2 months ago, my wife wants to stay with me/me with her to support her (we have been married over 40 years) very, very slowly there are more and more little signs of acceptance.

Give her time and keep trying, she may come around albeit slowly. Remember mother-son, father-daughter relationships are very strong.

Out of my 3 kids and of course wife, my eldest daughter still wont even talk with me... so it depends on the level of love dependency and pain.

Persevere and keep trying to extend your love to her.

lots of love and hugs

Katy xxx

What you are describing sounds like she is bargaining - "if you do this then you won't exist"... well big surprise mum, your child still exists and it's time to build a new relationship.

I've found that relatives who have not engaged with me since transition are the ones that just refuse to accept what's happened. My father was like that, it's taken twenty months but he finally seems to be coming around and engaging more. I gave him space but I kept the communication open and let him know I was always ready to see him but not on any 'bargained terms".

Have you transitioned yet? Are you presenting as your identified gender? If so try to make connections with her in anyway possible - she has to realise you are the same person but now with the gender you identify as not the one that was forced on you at birth.

Thanks Katy, my door will always be open for her. We get a lifetime to deal with our thoughts and feelings, but our friends and family often get far less time, and I think have real trouble even understanding how we feel and how hard it hits us.

Meg. X

Ms Grace, you're right, she has a history of trying emotional blackmail, but its not going to be a factor for me. I'm pre-everything, on the slow NHS train... I'm hoping a gradual transition would let me take family and friends along with me, if I finally choose to take that road.

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Megan:

Hello.

There is no single answer, including parents and family.  My immediate and extended family all knew about my intentions throughout my childhood and teens.  When I made my change, they used it as their excuse to reject me - much as the way Grace told you about a 'bargain'; my dad was quite explicit about his.  Too bad I am not for sale.

Too bad your mum is choosing rejection rather than reality.  In other words, taking down your family pictures and calling you 'dead' is not reality, accepting you as her child is reality, is what being a parent is all about.  Maybe she will one day welcome the new 'you' as much as she welcomed the original 'you'.

It is tough moving on when family rejects you for who you are - especially a close family member such as your mother.  I always left an opening for both parents, they failed to accept it, and they both died bitter in their hatred toward me - so I moved on.  You will continue leaving your opening for your mother, you will miss her, and you will move on in your life willing to wait for her to catch up to your slow-moving healthcare train.

I extend my best wishes for you and your family's healing.

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Parents are human and have human failings. Trying to manipulate and making her love conditional is actually a pretty common one. Kudos to your dad for being more human and mature. Time and space will likely make her realize how completely stupid that is. She will miss out.

I would not have too much guilt on how you feel emotionally about it and just take it for what it is a temporary lash out.

Here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901


hugs