Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: BeverlyAnn on December 03, 2015, 08:21:06 PM Return to Full Version
Title: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: BeverlyAnn on December 03, 2015, 08:21:06 PM
Post by: BeverlyAnn on December 03, 2015, 08:21:06 PM
I've heard transgender described as being similar to a train ride. You're on the train but you can get off at various stops to see how you like it, then get back on the train ride to another stop and so on. Or you can stay on the train all the way to the last station. Many years ago I got off at one of the stops and said for now I'm not going any farther. There were several things involved including the possibility of losing a very good job and family matters. Over the years there were always financial or other issues and I kept saying there's a future. There is a future.
About a week before I came back here to Susan's, I had sort of a breakdown. I was sitting in the living room and I started thinking which is always dangerous for me. In the late 90's and early 2000's I was fairly active in the transgender community. As a staff member of Southern Comfort Conference, I knew people from all over the U.S. and some other countries plus I was pretty tied in to the Atlanta community. So fast forward to about five weeks ago. As I said, I was thinking and several things hit me at once. After over eight years of being a caregiver for my mom with dementia and my brother with disabilities, I had three transgender friends left and only one of those was someone I could call up, say "Hey girl" and gossip for an hour. That realization along with it crashing in on me, at my age, there's no future. There is no future. Well that started the waterworks and I've had bouts of crying as late as yesterday afternoon. I was watching TV, not even a tear jerker...it was a western, and all of a sudden I'm crying. I know some of my emotional state is caused by very low T levels and probably some by chronic pain but the gender dysphoria is whipping up on me pretty good. It's the last thing I'm thinking about at night and the first thing I'm thinking about in the morning. During the day I'm probably thinking about it as often as a teen boy thinks about sex. So I've got an appointment with Erin in two weeks. I've seen Erin before when I was having some emotional problems that turned out to be related to quitting smoking with Chantix (before they told you it had side effects). And I had seen her even before that in pastoral counseling when she was still at our church. But this is the first time I will be seeing her professionally for gender issues. I guess us knowing each other for over 15 years is a good thing? We don't have to do any get to know you talking and can go straight to the issues. I don't know what's going to happen but I do know two things. I'm terrified and I'm too old to be jumping though any artificial hoops. At least there is one positive. My wife said, "You do what you have to do and we'll cope."
Well, if you made it this far, sorry for crying on your shoulder. I just had to write some of this down or start screaming.
Bev
About a week before I came back here to Susan's, I had sort of a breakdown. I was sitting in the living room and I started thinking which is always dangerous for me. In the late 90's and early 2000's I was fairly active in the transgender community. As a staff member of Southern Comfort Conference, I knew people from all over the U.S. and some other countries plus I was pretty tied in to the Atlanta community. So fast forward to about five weeks ago. As I said, I was thinking and several things hit me at once. After over eight years of being a caregiver for my mom with dementia and my brother with disabilities, I had three transgender friends left and only one of those was someone I could call up, say "Hey girl" and gossip for an hour. That realization along with it crashing in on me, at my age, there's no future. There is no future. Well that started the waterworks and I've had bouts of crying as late as yesterday afternoon. I was watching TV, not even a tear jerker...it was a western, and all of a sudden I'm crying. I know some of my emotional state is caused by very low T levels and probably some by chronic pain but the gender dysphoria is whipping up on me pretty good. It's the last thing I'm thinking about at night and the first thing I'm thinking about in the morning. During the day I'm probably thinking about it as often as a teen boy thinks about sex. So I've got an appointment with Erin in two weeks. I've seen Erin before when I was having some emotional problems that turned out to be related to quitting smoking with Chantix (before they told you it had side effects). And I had seen her even before that in pastoral counseling when she was still at our church. But this is the first time I will be seeing her professionally for gender issues. I guess us knowing each other for over 15 years is a good thing? We don't have to do any get to know you talking and can go straight to the issues. I don't know what's going to happen but I do know two things. I'm terrified and I'm too old to be jumping though any artificial hoops. At least there is one positive. My wife said, "You do what you have to do and we'll cope."
Well, if you made it this far, sorry for crying on your shoulder. I just had to write some of this down or start screaming.
Bev
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Devlyn on December 03, 2015, 08:27:28 PM
Post by: Devlyn on December 03, 2015, 08:27:28 PM
Big hug! Sharing the load, just another service we offer. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: JLT1 on December 03, 2015, 08:31:09 PM
Post by: JLT1 on December 03, 2015, 08:31:09 PM
Yea. It's time to move forward. It's good to have your partner with you.
Hugs
Jen
Hugs
Jen
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: stephaniec on December 03, 2015, 09:23:09 PM
Post by: stephaniec on December 03, 2015, 09:23:09 PM
always good to have someone walking with you.
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: kittenpower on December 04, 2015, 12:08:34 AM
Post by: kittenpower on December 04, 2015, 12:08:34 AM
Take care, everything will work itself out, and you have the support of your SO, which is extremely important. Best wishes :)
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: sam1234 on December 04, 2015, 06:19:00 AM
Post by: sam1234 on December 04, 2015, 06:19:00 AM
You have a good support system, one that will back you and that isn't always easy to find. At some point in life, I think most people, both trans and cis look back on the things they did, wanted to do but didn't, and wonder if they were true to themselves.
Going to someone who has known you for so long can have its advantages and disadvantages. It depends on whether she can step out of the role of friend and into the role of an unbiased counselor. Going through the process of first figuring out that you are a transgender, accepting it, and then dealing with all the things it effects can leave some unresolved issues that were kept in a closed door in your subconscious. Counseling can help you with that if it turns out to be involved with your present state of mind.
keep the faith
Sam1234
Going to someone who has known you for so long can have its advantages and disadvantages. It depends on whether she can step out of the role of friend and into the role of an unbiased counselor. Going through the process of first figuring out that you are a transgender, accepting it, and then dealing with all the things it effects can leave some unresolved issues that were kept in a closed door in your subconscious. Counseling can help you with that if it turns out to be involved with your present state of mind.
keep the faith
Sam1234
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: JoanneB on December 05, 2015, 07:42:39 AM
Post by: JoanneB on December 05, 2015, 07:42:39 AM
Is this it?
Is this as good as it gets?
I'm getting too old for this crap. Can't I just......?
I have a good cry at least once a week because of these feelings. A friends adage "Getting old aint for weenies" is little solace between general life getting olds, and managing being trans getting olds. It is often overwhelming with the only escape being away at work dealing with the clean cut pressures and decisions there. In many ways it is soooo much like when I was able to live part-time as female and dealing with that jumping back and forth
Is this as good as it gets?
I'm getting too old for this crap. Can't I just......?
I have a good cry at least once a week because of these feelings. A friends adage "Getting old aint for weenies" is little solace between general life getting olds, and managing being trans getting olds. It is often overwhelming with the only escape being away at work dealing with the clean cut pressures and decisions there. In many ways it is soooo much like when I was able to live part-time as female and dealing with that jumping back and forth
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Dena on December 05, 2015, 08:10:08 AM
Post by: Dena on December 05, 2015, 08:10:08 AM
Somehow I missed this post. Transitioning is so much easer now than when I did it that you shouldn't have much trouble from the medical community. With Susan's available, you have the information you need to deal with any problems that might pop up. If there is anything I can help you with, you know where to find me. Good luck with your transition.
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Cindy on December 05, 2015, 08:15:53 AM
Post by: Cindy on December 05, 2015, 08:15:53 AM
We can look at life with regret. We can cry for opportunities we never had, or, no matter our age we can move forward and fight for ourselves and our youth.
A pause, for no matter how long is a pause. Moving forward is what we do. We can take inspiration from our young members, as, I hope, they give thanks to us who paved their way.
A pause, for no matter how long is a pause. Moving forward is what we do. We can take inspiration from our young members, as, I hope, they give thanks to us who paved their way.
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Sharon Anne McC on December 05, 2015, 03:31:59 PM
Post by: Sharon Anne McC on December 05, 2015, 03:31:59 PM
*
I could repeat everything the others posted. Instead, accept my seconding their motions and allow me to add something different in your support:
- Despite my immediate and extended family knowing about my transsexual inclination during my entire lifetime growing up, they waited until I made my actual change when they wholly rejected me
- I also lost literally all my 'friends' who knew me before, not one is anywhere in my life today including a one-time best of best friends who chose me as his 'Best Man' at his wedding (before my talk and reveal); he totally rejected me within one month of our talk and my change
- The loss of family and 'friends' meant that while I shall not live in a closet, I decide how expressly active I shall present my self; I volunteer nothing to anyone outside my medical and transsexual community but have no reluctance to speak of my circumstance
- I just lost a 'friend' of 20 years when his wife found my un-promoted web-site and made disparaging comments about me - testament to the above statement
- I lost two long-term career jobs when each employer fired me for being transsexual - despite stellar work records
- I incurred great financial loss - beyond the cost of my change - in many facets as a consequence of my change
I had every reason to either not be my self or do something drastically worse. Instead, I persisted in one decision as I had since as long as I recall; I live a happy, contented life despite all those losses.
I found a curious element in some of the lost friendships; I discovered that some present themselves supporting transsexual issues on web boards. Hmm? So they can support an impersonal stranger from a distance but not family or a 'friend'. Or are they paying lip service and are being dishonest with themselves.
You are never too old. A woman in one of the transsexual groups in which I participate had her GCS / SRS earlier this year; she is 70 years old.
Make this decision yours and you will be happy.
*
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: autumn08 on December 05, 2015, 09:44:02 PM
Post by: autumn08 on December 05, 2015, 09:44:02 PM
Recently I read Irving Yalom's "Staring at the Sun." Yalom proposed that death anxiety arrives from feeling that one is not living to their potential. To alleviate this feeling, one of the things he offered was a thought experiment, which is intended to help you stop accumulating regrets. To paraphrase, if you learned our existence is a perpetual repetition of our life, how would you start living now?
On a more personal note, I agree with all of the prior posts, but I want to acknowledge something Cindy wrote, and say thank you for paving the way. :)
On a more personal note, I agree with all of the prior posts, but I want to acknowledge something Cindy wrote, and say thank you for paving the way. :)
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Karen5519 on December 05, 2015, 09:47:37 PM
Post by: Karen5519 on December 05, 2015, 09:47:37 PM
Good Luck and stay strong. Good things happen to and for good people!
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Ms Grace on December 05, 2015, 10:12:09 PM
Post by: Ms Grace on December 05, 2015, 10:12:09 PM
I could have transitioned 25 years ago and didn't. Regrets? Sure, I have a few, but they're tempered by the fact I just wasn't emotionally ready for the roller coaster ride it turned into. Consequently I'm just trying to make the most of it now that I'm here. Better late than never!
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: stephaniec on December 06, 2015, 12:42:25 AM
Post by: stephaniec on December 06, 2015, 12:42:25 AM
What's the famous saying " no wine before its time ".
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: sam1234 on December 06, 2015, 03:53:13 PM
Post by: sam1234 on December 06, 2015, 03:53:13 PM
Clearly, ease of transition is different for every person. Background, support systems and self esteem all play into whether the trip will be smooth or difficult. I'll make a comparison here, and its not meant to demean transgenders, its just a comparison. Take someone who is an alcoholic. They want to stop and know they need to, but if they aren't ready, no amount of support is going to make them move forward. They aren't willing to give up a way of life they have come to know, even though they know they should.
The same goes for transtitioning. "Better the devil you know". Its easy to get stuck in a way of life that, although its uncomfortable and doesn't feel right, you know what to expect. You don't know what to expect when you come out and start to transition. Coming out means taking the chance that you may lose friends and family support. Its a big step, and some just aren't ready to risk those losses. They may be wrong and actually have family who, once they know will give complete support and friends that will understand and see you as your intended gender. Its a risk though, and some aren't ready to take it yet. They get frozen in the fear of what MIGHT happen.
Counseling with someone who has worked with transgenders. Starting to see a counselor prior to coming out helps a person work out the reasons why they are having trouble moving forward. They can learn strategies to deal with negative reactions, and also positive ones. A good counselor won't judge you and can help you regain some of the self esteem you may have lost along the way.
sam1234
The same goes for transtitioning. "Better the devil you know". Its easy to get stuck in a way of life that, although its uncomfortable and doesn't feel right, you know what to expect. You don't know what to expect when you come out and start to transition. Coming out means taking the chance that you may lose friends and family support. Its a big step, and some just aren't ready to risk those losses. They may be wrong and actually have family who, once they know will give complete support and friends that will understand and see you as your intended gender. Its a risk though, and some aren't ready to take it yet. They get frozen in the fear of what MIGHT happen.
Counseling with someone who has worked with transgenders. Starting to see a counselor prior to coming out helps a person work out the reasons why they are having trouble moving forward. They can learn strategies to deal with negative reactions, and also positive ones. A good counselor won't judge you and can help you regain some of the self esteem you may have lost along the way.
sam1234
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Jacqueline on December 07, 2015, 04:12:57 PM
Post by: Jacqueline on December 07, 2015, 04:12:57 PM
Quote from: Cindy on December 05, 2015, 08:15:53 AM
We can look at life with regret. We can cry for opportunities we never had, or, no matter our age we can move forward and fight for ourselves and our youth.
A pause, for no matter how long is a pause. Moving forward is what we do. We can take inspiration from our young members, as, I hope, they give thanks to us who paved their way.
Massive plus 1 or more on this.
Cindy nails two birds with one stone. Well aimed.
Joanna
Title: Re: I've been holding back a little-This is difficult to talk about
Post by: Karen5519 on December 07, 2015, 04:34:10 PM
Post by: Karen5519 on December 07, 2015, 04:34:10 PM
Quote from: Cindy on December 05, 2015, 08:15:53 AM
We can look at life with regret. We can cry for opportunities we never had, or, no matter our age we can move forward and fight for ourselves and our youth.
A pause, for no matter how long is a pause. Moving forward is what we do. We can take inspiration from our young members, as, I hope, they give thanks to us who paved their way.
Cindy,
I am with you. It really thrills me to see all of these women, and especially the young women, taking the step forward to go through with their transition. I want to think they can see that some of us older women not only got through the trials and tribulations of transition but came out much better for it on the other side and have lived a happy and productive life. I see them as showing the way for other young women to do the same.....and I think over time the path forward will be much easier. That would be lovely!