Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I'm in a weird position right now. If I could wave a magic wand that would make me female and everyone would still treat me the same I'd do it in an instant. However it's not instantaneous, transitioning would be a long cmplex process that may alienate me from many close to me. I guess I'm just not sure if I want it badly enough. From my research it looks like it will only get worse and I have a gut feeling that I will transition at some point in my life. If so I should do so earlier rather than later so I don't have my life on hold needlessly long. It doesn't help that my feelings on the matter seem to move about throughout the day. Sometimes I have a very strong longing to be female, while at other times the entire idea seems preposterous.

I'm a very driven person and I think part of the problem stems from the fact that I'd be taking several years out of my life so that I can accomplish (being female) what small children do effortlessly. I sometimes wish I had no gender, as then I wouldn't be bothered by this constantly.

I've currently decided that I won't make any big changes until this swinging back and forth dies down, is that a good idea? How did those of you who have transitioned come to this conclusion? I'm not in the "transition or die" club right now, and I don't want to be, hence my conundrum. Has anybody else been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Personally i went into "transition light" for a lack of a better term. I kept this up for about 20 yrs in varying degrees. Sort of my way of keeping a foot in both sides, i thought i was simply non-binary for awhile. Although, i did not know that really existed until later in life. I presented as a feminine male, androgynous, tomboy girl etc, while i pursued "manly" extreme sports like mountaineering and football. Apart from keeping up stereotypes, i sort of confused people a lot.

I did this because i wanted to advance my career, make it easy on my spouse, have children and have them grow up in a somewhat "standard" family. I felt my plan was the best one for those ends. I regret it. It was a cop out and it was not pursuing the real me. I continued to try and compartmentalize my identity, this part was the guy, this part was the girl.

The results were continued GD, depression and escapism. I got the career, had a great family but only a part of me was there emotionally to enjoy and experience it. finally when i decided that i was not going to leave this earth with anything other than a woman's identity, things improved for me dramatically, on most (but not all) fronts.

I never understood how important the right hormones were to me. The physiological changes were so important. I finally started listening to real therapists not quasi-therapists.  I felt calm and whole.

YMMV though- this is just how it was for me. Having said all of that, i do believe it is different for everyone and sometimes timing is really important. Perhaps there are levels of it that work with your other goals.

I struggled with being trans for years. I tried getting rid of the feelings but they never left even when I tried the super masculine man, thing. I dressed ultra masculine and tried to act that way too. None of it worked. I felt stuck too, I couldn't move forward with my life. Though my body was aging, inside the clock had stopped. I fought with depression and so little reason to get out of bed every day. Finally I realized that this wasn't a life. I realized that one day I was going to die and I didn't want to look back on my deathbed with regret of never having transitioned. Slowly over time I made changes until today I am living part time as female with a goal of living full time within two years.

If you feel you are stuck and that you are waisting precious moments of your life living a life that you do not want it would probably be best to look at ways of making the transition. It doesn't have to happen over night but small steps lead to big things. :)

Hi:  This is a recurrent theme in many people's transition and anecdotally most who delay look back and wish they had done so sooner - YMMV.  Even though you've couched your post as a question, it reads like you would prefer to transition and find doing so terribly confronting.  Many of us have been in that spot for varying periods of time.  I'll offer this one piece of wisdom from my own and many other MTF experiences I'm familiar with: It never gets easier and typically gets more and more complicated as life moves along.

Only you can decide "if and when," and you already have all the information you need to make an informed decision.  Whatever you decide you'll find support here; it's your life after all and you/we all need support.  I know what I'd do if I could "play it again Sam," but that's part and parcel to how I coped for 6+ decades concerning my GID.

Thank you for sharing such a challenging conundrum (you show a lot of courage in doing so if you could just step outside of yourself and take a look . . . hmmm),

Rachel

I'd like to say a few words. From what you've said I've gathered this, I may not be the wisest person but as long as those feeling exists you will always have this problem. It seems like your a very level headed person, you don't want to rush things and you want to make sure first. I did that at first I felt the same way. I was thinking I could deal with it in some way because honestly I don't feel like I'm a woman completely and even as I transition I still dont. Its not due to the results I'm getting on hrt because I feel I've gotten amazing results. Ill be honest and say id be upset like everyone else who doesn't achieve what they want. What I've come to find out is that i identify uniquely. Id say I'm 55%woman 45% man in how I see myself. I love doing guy things and having the male role but I was never happy doing them as a man. I've always wanted to do them as a woman. I could not live my life doing anything as a physical male. I don't identify fully as a woman either. Its just my preferred physical appearance. I remember when I use to play video games. I'd always be this guy character and he was like a perfect resemblance of myself personality wise. I never liked him as a woman would like a man so that confused me a lot when I figured out I was trans. How can you transition from a guy be a girl yet play the guy? That's just the way I am. I just want to do everything as a woman and that makes me happy. I think when you start transitioning you'll see things clearly. You'll have doubts even while you transition but theyll slowly disappear. The sooner you get on hrt the soo er you'll have the answers you seek. You can always stop.

Another odd thing about me is that I prefer people to call me by my feminine name yet my male names doesn't bother me. I like to be called things like gf in relationships and girl or woman. Yet I don't enterly see myself that way. You should observe yourself and your preferences it'd help a lot. Its funny sometimes when people like my brother call me by my male name and I respond like a girly. People are like... what?  That pretty girl over there's name is ???? I'm confused?! Thats your sister?! I'm confused! She so cute what's happening?! D= Then they calm down after they get to know me. Lol

I can kind of relate to this. In the point in my life I am at,transitioning scares me. However I feel as though I am fighting a war within myself. Each time I battle myself I end up feeling more depressed.
I live in one of the most liberal cities in the world, I have a loving family (unfortunately they live overseas) however I am scared of the reaction and I am scared of causing hurt to others. I am scared of rejection. I also worry about being able to pass.
I keep trying to keep the act of "one of the boys" which I've learnt to do to in all my years hide my femininity. I've played contact sport, been an Army reservist, drink too much on occasion. Basically do what I need to do to fit in.
I've gone as far as getting a referral to a psychologist. However I told the doctor I was depressed. That referral has sat in my work bag for the past three months as I have no idea where to go or see.
I repeatedly take steps and get right up to the line of seeking help. But my fears hit me and I go back into denial and feel further depressed. I don't know anyone to talk with who is transgender and has been through this.

I don't know what the answer for anyone else is. All I know is that I wished I could of gotten hold of hormones 40 years ago it would of saved me from an apocalypse of loneliness and isolation.

Quote from: Delyth on December 09, 2015, 01:23:02 AM
I can kind of relate to this. In the point in my life I am at,transitioning scares me. However I feel as though I am fighting a war within myself. Each time I battle myself I end up feeling more depressed.
I live in one of the most liberal cities in the world, I have a loving family (unfortunately they live overseas) however I am scared of the reaction and I am scared of causing hurt to others. I am scared of rejection. I also worry about being able to pass.
I keep trying to keep the act of "one of the boys" which I've learnt to do to in all my years hide my femininity. I've played contact sport, been an Army reservist, drink too much on occasion. Basically do what I need to do to fit in.
I've gone as far as getting a referral to a psychologist. However I told the doctor I was depressed. That referral has sat in my work bag for the past three months as I have no idea where to go or see.
I repeatedly take steps and get right up to the line of seeking help. But my fears hit me and I go back into denial and feel further depressed. I don't know anyone to talk with who is transgender and has been through this.

I went through this exact situation. You shouldnt fear your families or other peoples rejections. I learned this the hard way. Being who your are and living as who you feel you are will never be a bad thing. In no way are you being disrespectful or shameful to your family for being you. If they reject you, it has nothing to do with you, its them. There are plenty of people on this planet who'll except you, In fact your on a site full of them. Like the person leaving you this reply right now, me! Lol

Thank you.
I feel so scared and on my own in regards to my gender issues.
I am 34, but my body is not very masculine. I
am 5'10, around 80 kg, but I worry how easily I would pass, even with hormones. Would I be accepted? Am I starting to leave it too late?
At the moment I just seem to be existing as opposed to living as the true me.
I feel pretty isolated.

Dear Delyth:

You will be amazed at how well you will do day to day and how people will accept that you are who you be  when you genuinely present yourself as such - in fact, you are already her.  The secret lies not so much in how you look but how committed and sure you are that the woman you be is truly you, comporting accordingly.  The moment you believe you are that woman the world will believe too . . . looks have some yet a minority of the total personage impact; rather, it's all about are you sincerely Delyth?  "Why yes I am.  Well then, glad to meet you."

I get that it's a journey and as such there's challenges, set backs and the like, but that's true of everyone throughout life.  We 'gifted' people just seem wired to fear ourselves initially as trans-folk.  Sooo, spread your wings and let the world see the beautiful woman you are.  You won't be the Madison Ave. version of the perfect woman but she doesn't exist, but you will be Delyth a sister in good standing in the global tribe of women.  You will be beautiful for you are woman.

All the best and stay in touch,

Rachel

Thanks everyone,

Delyth, I'm in a siilar boat, I'm 33 6'4" and 100kg. Though I do have a somewhat androgynous frame (no really my hips are wide enough that it makes pants shopping difficult).

As a general comment. I think part of my problem is that I still have a lot of resentment towards being trans, it's like somebody dumped this huge problem in my lap and I now have to take it into account no matter what I do for the rest of my life. I'm also not too fond of having to be chained to a pharmacy for the rest of my life for hormone treatments.  I guess I really just don't want to be transgendered, it screws everything up. Has anyone else gotten over this sort of thing? If so how?

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on December 09, 2015, 12:08:07 PM
Thanks everyone,

Delyth, I'm in a siilar boat, I'm 33 6'4" and 100kg. Though I do have a somewhat androgynous frame (no really my hips are wide enough that it makes pants shopping difficult).

As a general comment. I think part of my problem is that I still have a lot of resentment towards being trans, it's like somebody dumped this huge problem in my lap and I now have to take it into account no matter what I do for the rest of my life. I'm also not too fond of having to be chained to a pharmacy for the rest of my life for hormone treatments.  I guess I really just don't want to be transgendered, it screws everything up. Has anyone else gotten over this sort of thing? If so how?

You two are not alone... I'm 41 and not begun any transition and while the urge is there, the fear of losing my marriage and children and everything else I've built holds me back.  So I just keep spinning.  I've not even reached out to a therapist yet, although I've done the research to find one sort of local...  just terrified of it all.

Quote from: Tommi on December 09, 2015, 03:15:33 PM
You two are not alone... I'm 41 and not begun any transition and while the urge is there, the fear of losing my marriage and children and everything else I've built holds me back.  So I just keep spinning.  I've not even reached out to a therapist yet, although I've done the research to find one sort of local...  just terrified of it all.

And add one more to the same club. all the emotions and ideas here I have had the same. Especially the resenting being Trans.

Best of luck