Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 10:40:38 AM Return to Full Version
Title: When to come out?
Post by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 10:40:38 AM
Post by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 10:40:38 AM
Hi everyone... I'm new here, just starting my transition plan. I've been in therapy but now its time to tell my wife.
Before we got married I told her about my crossdressing and she gave me freedom to explore it before we decided to have kids.
Now the kids are grown up some, but obviously the feelings never left. It took time but I connected the dots I had left when I was really young to realize it wasn't just crossdressing. It is something more, something I've felt wrong about my body and mind.
Anyway. I don't want to ruin the holidays, so I'm TRYING to hold off coming out to her until after the new year. Am I right? I mean the pressure gets to me quite often and I find myself in tears just wanting to blurt it out. I've written multiple drafts of what I'll tell her and have it down, and I really want to get it off my mind.
My rational part of my mind says way, but the weight of the secret is pulling me down emotionally. Is it wise to wait, or go now before we get closer to the holidays?
Thank you in advance for any responses.. :)
-S
Before we got married I told her about my crossdressing and she gave me freedom to explore it before we decided to have kids.
Now the kids are grown up some, but obviously the feelings never left. It took time but I connected the dots I had left when I was really young to realize it wasn't just crossdressing. It is something more, something I've felt wrong about my body and mind.
Anyway. I don't want to ruin the holidays, so I'm TRYING to hold off coming out to her until after the new year. Am I right? I mean the pressure gets to me quite often and I find myself in tears just wanting to blurt it out. I've written multiple drafts of what I'll tell her and have it down, and I really want to get it off my mind.
My rational part of my mind says way, but the weight of the secret is pulling me down emotionally. Is it wise to wait, or go now before we get closer to the holidays?
Thank you in advance for any responses.. :)
-S
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: LizK on December 12, 2015, 03:08:57 PM
Post by: LizK on December 12, 2015, 03:08:57 PM
Hi Sarah Lyn
Coming out can be very tricky depending on how supportive your friends and family are. When I came out to my parents I planned it and planned it, got all my ducks in a row and came out. The reaction from my parents was not what I expected and upon returning home from doing it was planning the next "coming out" to my kids. What I realised is this...there is no good time to drop the T-Bomb...no matter how carefully you plan it.
Are you clear in your head what you want to tell her? I found each and every initial reaction was positive but within a few days people process the information and then form an opinion. Take your time with her...if you want to keep her around then I would be taking it very gently and baby steps.
Be honest, don't overload her with "facts" and above all listen and keep the communication going.
I hope some of that helps
Sarah T
Coming out can be very tricky depending on how supportive your friends and family are. When I came out to my parents I planned it and planned it, got all my ducks in a row and came out. The reaction from my parents was not what I expected and upon returning home from doing it was planning the next "coming out" to my kids. What I realised is this...there is no good time to drop the T-Bomb...no matter how carefully you plan it.
Are you clear in your head what you want to tell her? I found each and every initial reaction was positive but within a few days people process the information and then form an opinion. Take your time with her...if you want to keep her around then I would be taking it very gently and baby steps.
Be honest, don't overload her with "facts" and above all listen and keep the communication going.
I hope some of that helps
Sarah T
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 05:53:50 PM
Post by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 05:53:50 PM
Thank you for your reply Sarah.
I do realize that there is no good time for the T-BOMB. I guess I was just wondering if now was too close to Christmas/New Years to come out.
My gut says it is too close, but between Thanksgiving and New Years there is not much time that is not viewed as the Holiday season.
I have gone over and over what I plan on saying to her. Its not long or complicated, it short, to the point, allowing her to ask questions. To be honest I have no idea how she will take it. I'm prepared for the worst (have a small bag packed), but that's just how much of a pessimist I am. Because the worst case scenario involves me leaving, that's why I'm hesitant before the holidays.
I do realize that there is no good time for the T-BOMB. I guess I was just wondering if now was too close to Christmas/New Years to come out.
My gut says it is too close, but between Thanksgiving and New Years there is not much time that is not viewed as the Holiday season.
I have gone over and over what I plan on saying to her. Its not long or complicated, it short, to the point, allowing her to ask questions. To be honest I have no idea how she will take it. I'm prepared for the worst (have a small bag packed), but that's just how much of a pessimist I am. Because the worst case scenario involves me leaving, that's why I'm hesitant before the holidays.
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: Ms Grace on December 12, 2015, 06:07:02 PM
Post by: Ms Grace on December 12, 2015, 06:07:02 PM
Hey Sara.Lynn!
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
I can understand the need to come out, maybe wait until the new year. Couch it in terms of a New Years resolution perhaps! I'd ask what do you expect to do? Are you looking to fully transition? If so there are a lot of steps in between that you may need to consider - for example, therapy, hormones, hair/beard removal, name change, telling your children - since they are things she might very well want and expect answers to. While she may have been comfortable with you cross dressing it may be a different thing to being in a relationship with a woman if she considers herself exclusively hetro. The thing to keep in mind is that the first reaction is almost never the final position, so keep the lines of communication open.
Please check out the following links for general site info...
Cheers
Grace
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
I can understand the need to come out, maybe wait until the new year. Couch it in terms of a New Years resolution perhaps! I'd ask what do you expect to do? Are you looking to fully transition? If so there are a lot of steps in between that you may need to consider - for example, therapy, hormones, hair/beard removal, name change, telling your children - since they are things she might very well want and expect answers to. While she may have been comfortable with you cross dressing it may be a different thing to being in a relationship with a woman if she considers herself exclusively hetro. The thing to keep in mind is that the first reaction is almost never the final position, so keep the lines of communication open.
Please check out the following links for general site info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Cheers
Grace
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: LizK on December 12, 2015, 06:17:37 PM
Post by: LizK on December 12, 2015, 06:17:37 PM
If you feel that the best time is after Xmas Newyear then wait until then...My wife knew I was a crossdresser two years before we got married. Now depending on how frequently or even if you still do crossdress will more than likely go a long way as to how she will react, if it is something you do in private like I did then my wife thought "it had gone away" so I had to come out to her all over again..admittedly it was easier because there was no deception as I had already told her upfront ...when I told her I was a cross dresser it was becuse I didin't know any better.
I don't know why you comming out as your true self will ruin the holidays...your not going off to shoot peole or conduct mass poisening...you are trusting her with your most inner darkest fears. Once that can of worms is open there is no putting back...and in my limited experiece I would not trade being out for anything. All the pretence is gone, all the constant self policing stops. Do you know if you are going to transition or just test out the waters...how about a good therapist? Mine helped me heaps
Sarah T
I don't know why you comming out as your true self will ruin the holidays...your not going off to shoot peole or conduct mass poisening...you are trusting her with your most inner darkest fears. Once that can of worms is open there is no putting back...and in my limited experiece I would not trade being out for anything. All the pretence is gone, all the constant self policing stops. Do you know if you are going to transition or just test out the waters...how about a good therapist? Mine helped me heaps
Sarah T
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 07:40:52 PM
Post by: sara.lynn on December 12, 2015, 07:40:52 PM
Thank you both of you :)
I find it helps to type/talk about stuff first to get a better perspective.
And Ms Grace. I've been seeing a therapist for 2 months now. It started off as confusion but they helped me realize what I really am and I cried when it hit me because I had been lying to myself for so long. I have a long term plan in place, it just so happens that coming out to family is the first (need to build a support chain), but that plan includes all the typical items (hormones, voice, hair removal, surgery, etc)
Thank you both again for listening and responding.
Happy Holidays.
I find it helps to type/talk about stuff first to get a better perspective.
And Ms Grace. I've been seeing a therapist for 2 months now. It started off as confusion but they helped me realize what I really am and I cried when it hit me because I had been lying to myself for so long. I have a long term plan in place, it just so happens that coming out to family is the first (need to build a support chain), but that plan includes all the typical items (hormones, voice, hair removal, surgery, etc)
Thank you both again for listening and responding.
Happy Holidays.
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: Gertrude on December 13, 2015, 06:47:52 PM
Post by: Gertrude on December 13, 2015, 06:47:52 PM
Oh boy, do I relate. Started going to a therapist this year to deal with resurgent feelings and in early November I brought her to a session. It's been up and down since. Like you, I came out to her as a cd before marriage 22 years ago and we went to a gender therapist then. This is a totally different deal for her. She's hung up on being called a lesbian and what people will think and the social costs involved. The thing is, she admits she's a little trans too, but me even living as a woman without SRS is a bridge too far. She hates my therapist now too. While we are still together, it's been rough. Some days I feel like driving off a cliff. All I can say is be careful, take it slow and be ready for the worst. I wish my wife would go to a therapist, but she won't.
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Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: sara.lynn on December 14, 2015, 08:08:27 PM
Post by: sara.lynn on December 14, 2015, 08:08:27 PM
Hi Gertrude.
Thanks for the response.
I'm worried that it will go that way with my wife. I know she will be upset, and may be hurt. I am guessing she's going to try to talk me out of it (she always tries).
The problem lies in that we are financially dependent on each other, and I want to make sure she and the kids are taken care of.
She's not the kind of person to want to go to therapy, but maybe she will surprise me. I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally if its worst case scenario, but I don't know what to expect.
Thanks for the response.
I'm worried that it will go that way with my wife. I know she will be upset, and may be hurt. I am guessing she's going to try to talk me out of it (she always tries).
The problem lies in that we are financially dependent on each other, and I want to make sure she and the kids are taken care of.
She's not the kind of person to want to go to therapy, but maybe she will surprise me. I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally if its worst case scenario, but I don't know what to expect.
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: Gertrude on December 14, 2015, 08:14:46 PM
Post by: Gertrude on December 14, 2015, 08:14:46 PM
Quote from: sara.lynn on December 14, 2015, 08:08:27 PM
Hi Gertrude.
Thanks for the response.
I'm worried that it will go that way with my wife. I know she will be upset, and may be hurt. I am guessing she's going to try to talk me out of it (she always tries).
The problem lies in that we are financially dependent on each other, and I want to make sure she and the kids are taken care of.
She's not the kind of person to want to go to therapy, but maybe she will surprise me. I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally if its worst case scenario, but I don't know what to expect.
In our case, she makes the majority of money, over 2:1 to what I make. We have 5 children together, ages 10-20. While we live in another state from any relatives, she comes from an Irish Catholic family of 13 kids (91 first cousins) and her mom is still alive. She has said I should wait 5 years and society might be further along and the kids will be older, but I wonder if she just hopes I'll change my mind. I don't think I will. It's like I can't fight who I am anymore and it's depressing. Let me know how it goes, I wish you the best.
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: sara.lynn on December 27, 2015, 02:17:34 PM
Post by: sara.lynn on December 27, 2015, 02:17:34 PM
Well I ended up coming out to her, because she had found out some of what I was doing (therapy, etc)
Not on the best day, it was early Christmas Day. It was bad initially, but later got better as we talked more. Right now we are still trying to balance each of our concerns and wishes.
I learned something very valuable though. I should have not waited until after a holiday.
I should have told her right off the bat, she would have been happier. We still have a lot to figure out, but already I feel so much better to have her to talk to, without having to filter my true self out. I'm very glad that my wife is willing to at least give it a try.
Not on the best day, it was early Christmas Day. It was bad initially, but later got better as we talked more. Right now we are still trying to balance each of our concerns and wishes.
I learned something very valuable though. I should have not waited until after a holiday.
I should have told her right off the bat, she would have been happier. We still have a lot to figure out, but already I feel so much better to have her to talk to, without having to filter my true self out. I'm very glad that my wife is willing to at least give it a try.
Title: Re: When to come out?
Post by: LizK on December 27, 2015, 02:54:59 PM
Post by: LizK on December 27, 2015, 02:54:59 PM
Hi SarahLyn
Congrats on coming out to your wife. Now the really hard work starts, much will depend on how she has reacted to the news. I found it takes a couple of days for the questions to come and issues to become visible. Once you are out there is no feeling quite like it, no longer having to hide, being able to freely express yourself. These all come with time but at the very beginning where you are I would suggest patience is the Key.
Keep talking, not just about the trans stuff...keep the lines of communication open, encourage her gently, do some nice things for her, show her who you are, who the person is wanting to get out. You don't have to dress to do this, there are many ways. Concentrate on the positives for yourself and her...it does not have to seem like the end of the world but more like the rebirth of your soul!
Good Luck and I hope it works out for you
Elizabeth K
Congrats on coming out to your wife. Now the really hard work starts, much will depend on how she has reacted to the news. I found it takes a couple of days for the questions to come and issues to become visible. Once you are out there is no feeling quite like it, no longer having to hide, being able to freely express yourself. These all come with time but at the very beginning where you are I would suggest patience is the Key.
Keep talking, not just about the trans stuff...keep the lines of communication open, encourage her gently, do some nice things for her, show her who you are, who the person is wanting to get out. You don't have to dress to do this, there are many ways. Concentrate on the positives for yourself and her...it does not have to seem like the end of the world but more like the rebirth of your soul!
Good Luck and I hope it works out for you
Elizabeth K