Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Has being trans gotten in the way of a happy dating life and forming romantic relationships?

To be honest I've never had a happy dating life. As a "hetro male" I was reluctant to date let alone try to initiate intimacy. The same applies now. I currently don't have a lot of desire to be in a relationship anyway, maybe I've just lived by myself for too long.

It has impacted me.

Maybe this will change in time, but I see myself as aromantic (for those who have never heard this term, it's difficult to describe, but it essentially means that I have no innate drive towards a romantic relationship. I do experience sexual attraction, but I've never had a crush, and I feel absolutely no urge to do things like hold hands, cuddle, share a bed, etc.) and that makes dating, well, problematic for me. Because I don't want to date! So it's forced and always awful. I really value my independence.

Where being trans comes in is wrt to sexual relationships. In a perfect world, I could see myself doing a friends-with-benefits thing and being quite happy, but my dysphoria doesn't allow me to be nude in front of a partner. Sexual pleasure has to be unidirectional and in every relationship I've had, the sex was purely perfunctory. I like to make my partner happy, but my dysphoria washes everything with disgust and that makes it hard for me to functionally enjoy sex, despite liking it fine in the abstract.

So I'm sort of the definition of "For me, dating and relationships are impossible, and being trans is a part of the reason." Oh well, can't bat a thousand.

I would say a little bit. I had tried online dating and going to social groups, but found that I have no desire to come out to people. The thought gives me a lot of anxiety, so I've pretty much had to date within my social circle. Which is fine. Between identifying as a lesbian for most of my life and going to a very progressive university, I have a pretty broad and inclusive group of friends.

Sex is another matter. I've got a very low sex drive. Not sure if it's related to my downstairs dysphoria or what, but it is a little tough.

Ok not going to use the pole because I feel its more complicated than it can show. Also to preface this I am 34 a virgin and have never been in a relationship in my life, I have wanted it but never let myself have or seek it out. Though that is changing in a way, sense transisioing I have found myself more drawn to the idea of dating and relationships its just very very hard to even think about getting started at my age with no prior experinence.

I do feel though that being trans can and will cause problems, aside from personal issues with our bodies and dysphoria even aside from the depression and anxiety issues that are so incredibly common for trans people it can simply be very hard to find someone who is willing to give a relationship with a trans person a chance. Being attracted to women I would need to find a woman who is bi/pan/lesbian/other which right off cuts out like 90% of women, then from that group how many are going to be willing to or attracted to a trans woman end of the day I would be lucky if one in 200 women would even give me a chance and thats not considering mutual interests and other factors.

Plus there is the whole sex thing, I am not sure if I could physically or emtionally enter into a sexual situation, masterbation I am ok with though I have my own methods, but actually being with someone else, I am not sure it could be wonderful, life affirming and make me feel whole, or  i could end up sobbing really its a coin toss.

That said I dont think its all negitive, though every trans person is different we tend to have some advantages in a relationship (and I am not talking about the physical side) we tend to be more interspective, we tend to know more about what we want and we have spent alot of time trying to explain ourselves to others..those things help in any relationship. We also generally possess a deeper understanding of both sexes in a way that can make understanding our partners easier.

so ya I do feel like it is sorta a curse when it comes to this though not one without benefits.

Serena

Whilst all my gf's knew of my dressing I ended up feeling bad of being so compelled about wanting to wear some of their outfits.

Also not wanting sex brings some very conflicting situations.
The confusion was pretty funny though:
"it's like i'm dating a gf!"

So I haven't dated the past five years or so.

I never had a dating life as a male. As a female my dating life got started quicker than I was ever ready to and has resulted in a relationship that I have been in a year this coming week. Hugs
Mariah

I never had a dating life as a male, either. Too uncomfortable with myself, and never quite able to intuit what was expected of me. I'm hoping things are more comfortable and feel more natural as a woman, but I have no idea yet.

Being transgender has been a great hindrance for me, towards having a happy dating life and forming romantic relationships. Before accepting myself as transgender, I would never commit to long term relationships, because I knew I was lying, and also I didn't want to feel stuck pretending to be male. I still had sexual relationships though, because I wanted to fit in, but now that I don't care about that as much, the act itself, while male, just seems revolting.

On the bright side, accepting I don't want to have a sexual relationship, and it is okay not be in one, has been greatly liberating. I don't need to act anymore, and I have more time to focus on the people and activities I love. Also, after I transition, I will finally be able of be in a romantic relationship where I can be happy and committed.

One more thing. To Serena, maybe you would feel more safe if you tried dating other transgender individuals?

Yes! Dating is much more difficult as trans. So glad I met my husband and most of our issues have nothing to do with my trans past.

My concerns with dating are mostly due to my stupid brain, that thing gets me in so much trouble. When I think about dating it starts worrying about my lack of experience, like it seems like everyone starts dating in high school or collage but I never did not once. Truly if I just pushed my anxiety and concerts about it aside and started dating things would probebly be fine. Though that can be tricky too, I don't drink regularly and loud music gives me a head ache so most places people seem to meet are out. I rarely go new places so it comes down to internet dating sites and I haven't yet had the courage to sign up.

I will be ok, I just need to convince me that I will be ok, plus find the time between two jobs and trying to recover from them to actually date anyone.

Serena

Unqualified yes. It's hard enough to find someone compatible without this thing. After you bash off the fetish freaks, it's extremely difficult to find someone who is accepting. I feel that younger trans people will have a much easier time with dating and relationships in general. Although we are not mainstream yet, there is much more acceptance for younger trans men and women.

Cindi

Quote from: Debra on December 14, 2015, 06:46:31 AM
Yes! Dating is much more difficult as trans. So glad I met my husband and most of our issues have nothing to do with my trans past.

Same here, the only issues I'd have now is just typical  husband & wife stuff, my history is never discussed, it's history.

Serena,


The relationships where I loved the most either initiated because of serendipity, or when I was exploring one of my passions. Some time ago, you told me you enjoy the game, "Magic the Gathering." I know this is a popular game, so maybe a good place for you to start, would be at a get together of players.

Also, I wouldn't worry about your lack of experience. When I was most successful, I treated the relationship the same as I did the ones with my friends, but with physical attraction, and the best sex I had was not because of knowledge of technique, but rather symbiosis of ardor.

being trans and bisexual has basically turned me asexual it can get quite confusing.

I am bisexual, queer and transgender.  I think it was Woody Allen that quipped something about having better odds for dating on a Saturday night if we are Bi.  We recall he is a comedian ;D

I had no confidence and really never dated as a young person.  I had great fun and fell in love when dating men at some points in my life but I am now monogamous again.

Can the person we are with deal with our special circumstances?  I reluctantly conclude that it is smaller group of people who are capable of such dexterity in thinking, especially about dating someone who is less binary and non or pre-op.  Still my BFF, who is trans, scored a loving relationship on her first date out of the box.  It happens!

Unsurprisingly, I think for most trans people the answer to this topic is a simple yes, among other things like social anxiety and depression.

I honestly am becoming less and less bothered by this the more I begin to care, value and selflessly love me for who I am.

I am also too focused on other things that hold far more importance to me than this.

If I could stop worrying about random things like this that would be amazing but like my voice, weight, and several other things I worry. I try and limit it's impact though and I do plan on putting myself out there though a dating site is still likely my best bet.

One of my jobs I work two days a week at the local game store (we sell board games, table top rpg, hobby supplies collectable card games like magic things like that, no electronic games) so I see lots of magic players and other geeky types regularly. But very few are women. Most women who come in virtually all of them are there with a boyfriend or husband. It's a sad fact that many women have had negative experiences in game stores and tend to avoid them. The one I work at is different but most women avoid places that the perceive as male spaces.

It can be very hard being a gamer geek girl. Other women don't understand your interests, men treat you as a freak or get super interested and creepy so most women stick to there own personal groups avoiding the larger gathering places. There was a article written by the company that makes magic the gathering about how 20ish percent of there player base is female but only roughly 3% of players at tournament s are female. Even if you enjoy something how many women feel comfortable in a place that's 98% Male many of whom are socially awkward and treat them like something weird or like they must be lost.

Sorry I went on a rant there it was totally off subject.

Also I really sorta hate magic the gathering but my job requires I know about it and I did play years ago but like mite than a decade sense my last game.

Sorry again,
Serena

Definitely. I tried being a gay guy for a while, but I didn't feel attractive, and didn't like having people compliment me or be attracted to me because of my masculine characteristics. I never had any serious relationships, and then I had a bad experience with a guy and didn't date at all from the time I was 18 until I was 29.

Then I met a girl who was very masculine. Talked with typically male intonation, didn't wear makeup, dressed like a guy. We got married, and it turned out that she was transgender. So I ended up with what I always wanted--a husband!

-Kelsey

Quote from: pretty pauline on December 14, 2015, 12:21:51 PM
Same here, the only issues I'd have now is just typical  husband & wife stuff, my history is never discussed, it's history.

Yep! Thank god for counseling. That's all I gotta say lol

I think it's 9 out of 10 times likely to adversely affect a relationship to some extent.

I suppose the point is, we are attracted to what we see, and what we can perceive about another person. That's all there is to go on for humans, other than our own imagination about who a person is. And often the real state or reality of a trans person is completely invisible, unseen, unspoken. This is always going to be a problem if the one person operated on the strength of what they can see or think they know about the other, and the other cannot show what they really are. As trans people we are either carrying hidden issues and presenting as what we don't feel we are, or are presenting as what we feel we are but what our biology contradicts. Or are somewhere between the two.

My experience with sexual relationships clued me in to just how much is assumed about someone on sight, or about them because the gender they appear to be. I think that's the issue with almost all relationships that run into difficulties - you can't see exactly what someone is like ahead of time or in different situations anyway. People just meet, sometimes they become infatuated with what they see, and a whole load of that perception you have of someone is made up in your own head. We might even just fall in love with what is mostly figments of our imagination. But then there's the desire of the body, and I can't really argue that if someone is attracted to one gender body and their partner says they are going to change that radically to another gender, then that is the end of the sexual attraction probably, in most cases.

I feel giving into my female side and transitioning while good for my psyche, wasn't good for my social life. The lady I had future plans with is now just a friend and we have no intimate contact. If we hug at all it's with a pillow between us so she doesn't feel my breasts against her.

As for future relationships, I'm not into men, although if one did ask me out and I liked him I'd accept so who knows where that would lead to, and as for the ladies, I don't think any I know would be interested in a relationship.

Love,
Clare

You need to put an option for, "it's complicated."

My complication is that I am still married and cannot leave. She doesn't want to be with me and me neither with her but we have three kids and a house.

I have no problem with men being attracted to me. I do tell them after I've know them a while. I can't say the reaction has been 100% good. Maybe 70-80%.

I honestly don't know what the future holds dating wise with me. Next year I want to get my FFS and maybe squeeze in SRS toward the end of the year but that is doubtful. I may just do it in 2017 instead to save up my vacation days. Until SRS I don't feel comfortable with sexual relations with anyone. That is the other thing that is holding me back.

But I'm taking it one day at a time...

And I'm prepared to stay single forever. I have good girlfriends who I can hang with anyway.

No,I still have a great relationship with my wife.I have considered myself as trans lesbian liking women only and my wife has been curious being with a woman too lately.It has worked for us both.

As soon as I started coming out in my trans ways I have to say my dating and relationships have actually gotten so much better. It may be the added confidence and relaxed attitude on my behalf, but I'm not really sure. People have been surprisingly accepting of me when it comes to both romantic and sexual escapades. One thing I always make sure to do is be completely honest with whoever I'm interested in and usually they react with respect and they don't mind.

From Bavaria?

Pre Transition/acceptance = Very difficult dating life.. I absolutely HAD to be in a relationship at all times.. I did NOT want to be alone.. Even if the relationship was horrible/abusive/whatever! I didn't care, I'd make it work.

Post Transition/acceptance = I'm not really sure? I really love being single and having the freedom to do or go anywhere and have nobody to answer to. I have thought about dating, and have posted a few profiles on dating sites with several people taking an interest in me, but the thought of starting a relationship kinda bores me lol... Besides that, I don't really know what I want anymore.. I thought for certain I would be a full on lesbian, but interestingly enough, things have changed for me.. It seems to be about smell.. (I guess that's weird) but I dunno.. I can smell a guys B.O. a mile away, and I just get grossed out.. but when a man smells soo good, omg... I swoon, and stare lol

I got off topic a bit there I think.. To answer the question.. I guess if I had an interest, it would be easier now, after transition, then before.. And I'd probably say that's because I now love myself, and have much more confidence. As for my preference? I'm not the lesbian I thought I'd be, that's for sure... Maybe I'm Bi? I dunno :x