Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have alreaddy said i have to come out in 5 mounths because i will not be able to hide or want to hide the changes.
But i am still woried.
my wife keeps saying we will lose everything.my job,our house, our friends everything.
my wife supports me but only to a certain extent. i have tryed to talk about my therapist sessions but she has no intreast.
i try to talk about how i am changing mentaly and pyscial but againg dose not want to hear about it.
Right now i can dress at home or underdress when we go out but thats it.
if i go out on my own she get really worried but leaves it alone because i only go to see my therapist.
in a nut shell i have tryed to give her information,talk to her and tryed to help her understand but its no use.
I tryed again last night but she made me feel bad about myself or
its could be the hormones screwing with my emotions?????
She also dose not want anyone to know we are married or her name is never mention. all i can say is i am married and thats it.
Either way i have to make a decision do i just hide it and just be a women dressed as a man or just go through the changes and hopefully she stays???
Its taking its toll and im getting tired :(

I typed this because i needed to get it off my chest.

julie 

Hi Julie,

These are undoubtly the hardest days of the journey. You may have to give your partner a lot of leeway. Let her direct what she wants to hear and what she doesn't, and when. The rest of the time is yours to get your act together. The more your act is together, the better it is for those around you.

As they say on every flight you take; make sure you're oxygen mask is on before you attempt to help anyone else.

Much more than that I cannot say. Keep plugged into your therapist and keep working on yourself. That'll soon dispel worries and anxiety. Preparing yourself for whatever might happen should be your first and foremost thoughts. Makes it easier dealing with the rest.

Speak to you as soon as I reload Windows 3.1

Huggs
Catherine

My wife was afraid of the same things... and in the end, I lost nothing (job, house, friends, and family are all still here). There are a lot of horror stories out there, though, and it's scary to think about when no one manages to tell the other side of the story. So feel free to pass along that some people do, in fact, come through just fine. :)

The truth is harsh.  You will likely loose your job and statistically speaking your wife.  You have to decide if losing those things is worth it. 

Oliviah : Well, statistically speaking, the latest and most reliable study places the risk of a relationship ending over transition at 55% - roughly the same as the divorce rate for cis people. The risk of job loss is also greater in some states (some do have legal protections), with certain employers, and for people who are minorities in other ways as well. The news is not as bleak as it sounds for a middle-class white trans woman with a fairly liberal employer, for example.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on December 13, 2015, 01:26:19 PM
Oliviah : Well, statistically speaking, the latest and most reliable study places the risk of a relationship ending over transition at 55% - roughly the same as the divorce rate for cis people. The risk of job loss is also greater in some states (some do have legal protections), with certain employers, and for people who are minorities in other ways as well. The news is not as bleak as it sounds for a middle-class white trans woman with a fairly liberal employer, for example.

The last statistic I have ever seen sited showed a 93% divorce rate.

This is the gold standard study on trans people, so far. http://www.transequality.org/sites/default/files/docs/resources/NTDS_Report.pdf

You can search for "key findings in family life"; I actually was wrong, as it states that 45% of relationships ENDED (meaning 55% survived). "Partner and spousal relationships" section has a more detailed breakdown.

I share this study often because my own marriage was threatened by the belief that it was impossible for relationships to survive - my wife considered walking away early if there was no way to make it work, and later confided that she'd also seriously contemplated suicide because of that. So I want people to know it not only can work, the odds really aren't much worse than for cis people.

Great link.  Thanks a ton.

Oliviah : :) I also think it does trans people no favors when the media, etc. stresses how relationships are doomed, because it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Some of the other stats in that study, mind you, do paint a much gloomier picture about other aspects of life.

I am doing fine at work and even received a promotion. I am fully welcomed at work.

I am in the process of a divorce. I waited 3 years for my wife to accept me but in the end we want different things. She is embarrassed being my wife.

In the end it is your decision. If your wife wants a divorce it is her decision. If you get fired you will get another job; it may be at a lower rate or higher.

Statistics are funny things.  I noticed that the families in the study reported having very few children.  The poster has three.   I see some people report no problems at work.  I live and work in FL USA, a right to work state with a very vocal religious conservative population.  I work in a very hyper masculine industry and am considered a bit of a woos.  I am given a bit of leeway because of my unique educational background, but it only goes so far.  Fortunately, my wife is not only understanding, she is both supportive and encouraging.  I have not transitioned simply because of the income from my job. 
What I am trying to point out is that no matter what the stats are for a population, only the poster can make the analysis.  He seems to be telling us that one of her main fears is about his job.  With 3 kids that is kind of important these days.  Depending on age, location, and educational level the idea that he would get "another" job might be a bit optimistic.  Finances are the number one drivers of divorce in USA among all families.  Coupled with the studies' pessimism on job/income you would expect a lot of pressure on the marriage.
Now, I disagree with a lot of people on this site over one point.  I believe that it is possible to find some sort of "sweet" spot Where you can express yourself while maintaining at least the appearance of conformity.  It depends on how important the marriage and children are.  How safe the job and money situation is.  That could be very different for someone 23 as opposed to a family "man" of mid thirties.  I noticed that study didn't bode well for couples where the transgender party was older.  Success seems to decrease with age.  I would suggest that Julie really work on figuring out what she needs, what her wife needs, and any possible compromises that might be made with the wife.  While the wife doesn't seem to want to deal with the situation maybe the problem is being presented to her as a take it, or leave it proposition.  Julies second to last line seems to present only two possibilities that are mutually exclusive.  I like to believe that there are many more than that.  I would see if it is possible to address her fears while expanding julies' ability at expression.  While it may not be possible, if the marriage and family is important then I think Julie has a responsibility to the wife and kids to spend as much energy on finding a workable solution as on fulfilling her own needs.  Not that I am in any way downplaying her needs, but the wife didn't sign up for this and the kids were never even asked.   I love my wife, I love being in a protected environment, I love having a soft place to lay my head at the end of the day.  I wouldn't ever give that up unless it was the last thing that I could do and no amount of compromise or middle way solution could be found.  Wish you and your family all the luck you need.

Where I work is a teaching hospital in Philadelphia. We have 15,000 employees and I am a senior director and Professional Engineer. We are very LGBT supportive and the CEO is the head of diversity. The acting COO is gay. We have a sexuality and gender department and we have 400 trans adolescent patients and families.

Point being I have a very supportive employer. I had HR supporting me along with 19 people on a transition team. There was a business plan and correspondents to senior leadership and 8 employee meetings. I am the first trans to transition on the job and my employer supports it 100%. I do not have the average employer.

I had thought my wife would support me. She is a social worker and extremely liberal. Where she works they have a trans IOP. I was very wrong. My daughter is extremely liberal and I thought  she would stand by me. I was wrong.

My wife and daughter did not sign up for a trans husband and father. I love them dearly and they love me but in the end they will not be with me. Transition is a difficult decision.

Cynthia Michelle
I don't want to hijack the thread but I have to ask-just curious.  If you had been in a much less supportive environment would you still have transitioned?  While I have a lot of problems with Caitlyn Jenners' political outlook, I respect that she waited until her family duties had diminished.  It looks like she was rewarded by her kids with respect and continued love.  Now she had financial resources available that she could live two lives and keep herself sane.  The average schmoe these days has trouble just maintaining a family, let alone getting ahead.  I applaud the younger transitioners who can plan out, and implement a program to make it possible to have it all, or at least a bigger chunk of it than what was available to me.  As the study says, the older the transitioner, the less likely it is that a relationship will prevail.  For some that may just be collateral damage.  But again, those are just statistics.  Each of us makes decisions on the worth and relative value of each outcome.  I just hope that Julie makes those decisions in a calm, introspective, informed way giving weight to everyone's needs and futures.  Julie didn't give much information on her finances.  Your job sound like it pays enough to at least financially cover your situation.  A younger transitioner can set up the future to plan for it.  The middle age transitioner, especially with children and limited resources, is in a tough spot.  Some responders to this type of posting are, IMHO, far too quick to dismiss the needs and concerns of the children and wife.  If that is the only solution, then so be it.  I am only suggesting that maybe "either/or" isn't the only way for many of us if only we can look through the fog and see it.   

everyone has good points.
financially we are good but we can not take the stress if i lose my job.
and im way over 40

we talked last night and about what the future holds for us.
after a long discussion we came to a compromise.
she wants to call me by me male name not julie
i can be who i am go out as julie but when we go out i go as her husband
i dont shop where we live just in case
and wait to tell my son for a couple of years
and my son (if he is still talking to me) calls me dad. this one i said.

i agreed to all of this because i have to give her time and not force everything on her.

we still have a long way to go. I still have a long way to go.
will i lose everything ???
who knows but i cant  stop and bury who i am anymore i wont last.

All i can do is hope for the best.
and yes the road is a piece of ->-bleeped-<- by the way
Thank you all for the replys  :)


julie summers

Julie, it is great to hear you have come to a compromise with your wife.

Cindy, my wife said if I did any procedures ( changed from March), expressed (even at home), came out at work fully, changed my name at work and/or expressed at work she would divorce me. July I tried to kill myself again because I hated myself so much for not being myself and I also hated myself for hurting my wife and child.  I got medication which helps a lot and I came to a conclusion. I could help support my wife and child if I am alive, even if divorced.

I came out to my boss May15, 2013. I thought he would fire me within 6 months.  He was not supportive and he admits he had a difficult time. September 2015 he said it did not matter to him anymore and do what you need to do. He also said he will never understand it. I had given him 3 books which he never read. I was scheduled to come out in September but delayed it to vacation with my family.

To answer your question would I have transitioned at work if it was not supportive. I do not know. If I was terminated I could apply for a position next door that is 100% supportive or to two universities down the street. However, I would be applying as a transwoman and I do not know how I would be received. Perhaps I would transition where I work and take the risk. Perhaps I would hold it in and do something impulsive. I think in July I finally figured out I really needed to do this or something to stop the pain. For me and I only speak for myself, transition is something I would not do if I could be healthy and not transition.

When I came out 11/13/2015 I did it without HR and without my boss. They were no-shows. When I came out I explained to trades-men, operating engineers and construction workers I am transsexual and what that means. I answered all their questions and many were very personal. I think I came out to about 150 in my department and many others outside my department.