Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Every time I think things are starting to become more clear for me as to who I am or what I want, it's followed by confusion and self doubt hours and sometimes moments later.

I feel trapped in my own head. My mind is consumed with thoughts of dressing and feeling like a woman, but at the same time opposing thoughts of doubting that this is what I really want at all. Im searching for a connection in every little thing. Some connection that will reassure me that deep down this is what I've always wanted.

But why would these strong feelings not come out until I'm 25? Why weren't there signs to myself early on? This is what makes me feel like this is all just something I've built up in my head. Then I think of how sensitive and caring of a person I've always been, and how that has made me feel almost weak in comparison to the other boys and men around me. Feeling like I couldn't live up and was just some little pussy (sorry this is just what comes to mind as to how I truly felt about myself), like I couldn't live up to what I was supposed to be.

Then I think even harder. To when I was no older than 9 and I would sneak into my moms underwear drawer constantly when I was the only one upstairs... Wear them under my clothes, put plastic cups inside a sports bra just to see what I would look like with something underneath there.

Then at the same time I think, "but I never hated my penis, and I don't now", "I never hated my body, but I'm starting to the more my mind runs with this idea... But maybe it's just because I let myself go, forced myself to stop caring about weight gain or body hair or even to an extent what clothes or shoes I wear" could I have done all this just because there was someone else inside of me that was too scared to come out?

As I wrote this I had a flashback to how when I was 5 I had an imaginary friend named Lucy. At this age, right around when I started going to school and meeting all the "bad kids" that taught me how to swear and talk about girls, women... More or less sex.... I told my mother that Lucy died. That she got struck by lighting. Completely out of nowhere! Is this the moment where my repression truly began? Had I figured out that the boys at school wouldn't accept me, and the girls would never like me if I stayed this sensitive little boy that hung out with Lucy and played with my dolly Phillip?

Was I Lucy? Was this my attempt at such a young age of killing off this other side of my personality, or perhaps the real me altogether? I have no recollection of ever truly feeling like I wanted to be a girl or a woman, but could it be that I started repressing at such a young age that these memories couldn't even form?

I know it's impossible to "know that your transgender". But I continue to feel lost as I try to find my own personal answer to that question I'm sure many people here have asked themselves early on... "Could I REALLY be transgender? Me? But where were the signs? Who am i?!"

I'm sorry This is starting to feel like a rant. It's something that been building up in me in general, but particularly over the last few days. I want so bad to fee happy and normal, but I keep coming back to this confused state of depression as I wonder whether or not I'm heading down the right path. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Love you guys,

Ry


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I think that part of the problem is that you're trying to fit yourself into a standard "trans narrative". I tried to do the same, to find all the parts of my past that fit, and to exclude, explain away, or agonize over anything that didn't fit. It was all so much noise, and it got me nowhere fun in the end. Eventually, I came to the conclusion, that the standard trans narrative is just that... a standard narrative, a story that applies to some in part, fails to apply to some in other parts, and applies to no one perfectly. It's the heroes journey. You can find bits and pieces in Harry Potter and Superman, but at no point are they the same as each other or the baseline narrative. Transness is the same way. Your story is your own, and you can't keep yourself sane if you try to stretch it to fit the story of someone else.

Stop trying to explain the actions of past you, and stop trying to predict the wants and desires of future you. Those people are metaphysically and actually different then you, and you can't let them hold present you back. Right now, at this moment, who are you and what do you want? Are you female? Do you want to transition?

If so, do it. You only have to go as far or stay as close as you personally feel comfortable with. This is a road with certain commitments, yes, you may lose your fertility and some changes are permanent, but there is very little in life without consequence or commitment. If you think you can deal with, mitigate, or embrace the changes... then you owe it to yourself to try.

We all overthink this to some degree and want to understand everything about it. I was a feminine child but I didn't connect the dots until I was age 13. In your case, you blocked it. That isn't uncommon and we have members in there 50's and 60's who are coming to terms with themselves. There is no pattern or right way to be transgender and we all feel it differently. Thankfully the feeling isn't constant because we would be basket cases if we didn't have short vacations from it. I have known many people and have heard many stories from transgender people and just the small amount of information in this post is enough to tell that what you feel is real and you are transgender. It still isn't clear to me where you fit because you could be in the non binary area or the transsexual but you will decide that as time goes on and it's not important to know that now.

I don't know if you have viewed it, but youtube has a series called "the transition channel" that will ask you the important questions that determine where you fit in the transgender spectrum. These are the questions a therapist will ask and your answers will determines where you will be comfortable in life. If you have questions you think I can help you with, post them to this thread and I will respond to them.

I agree with Tamika Olivia, you're trying to pigeon hole yourself into a certain way of being transgender.  And that doesn't work because, despite our similarities, we are all still different.

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 21, 2015, 07:37:15 PM
But why would these strong feelings not come out until I'm 25?

Why, at age 66, was I fine one minute in late October and, after everything I had suppressed for years crashed in on me, depressed and crying a minute later?  There is no answer to that because it hits us when it hits us.  The only thing we can do is try to cope and coping may involve starting to see a gender therapist as I did.  Also, don't try to analyze your past, especially things you remember at an early age.  What you remember may not be what actually happened.  So take a deep breath and if you need help, find a good gender qualified therapist.

Quote from: Dena on December 21, 2015, 08:23:27 PM
We all overthink this to some degree and want to understand everything about it. I was a feminine child but I didn't connect the dots until I was age 13. In your case, you blocked it. That isn't uncommon and we have members in there 50's and 60's who are coming to terms with themselves. There is no pattern or right way to be transgender and we all feel it differently. Thankfully the feeling isn't constant because we would be basket cases if we didn't have short vacations from it. I have known many people and have heard many stories from transgender people and just the small amount of information in this post is enough to tell that what you feel is real and you are transgender. It still isn't clear to me where you fit because you could be in the non binary area or the transsexual but you will decide that as time goes on and it's not important to know that now.

I don't know if you have viewed it, but youtube has a series called "the transition channel" that will ask you the important questions that determine where you fit in the transgender spectrum. These are the questions a therapist will ask and your answers will determines where you will be comfortable in life. If you have questions you think I can help you with, post them to this thread and I will respond to them.

Dena thank you. I want to cry reading
"Just the small amount of information in this post is enough to tell that what you feel is real and you are transgender. It still isn't clear to me where you fit because you could be in the non binary area or the transsexual but you will decide that as time goes on and it's not important to know that now. "

I've been driving myself crazy turning this question over and over in my head for months on end and it is too much at times. I often let myself forget that I don't have to know right now. I try to tell myself that's the case but I always find myself in internal moments of chaos with my brain screaming at me to just figure it out already.

I saw you post the links to the transition channel to a few other people and actually just watched the mtf playlist today. It made me feel better and worse at the same time because it didn't help me much better understand where I stand. I know none of what she has to say is finite for anyone and that there is such a wide spectrum but I'm just having a lot of trouble figuring out where I fit.

I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple months, she's around my age and is passionate about helping people in the LGBT community. I feel very comfortable talking to her, which this is the first time in my life I've felt truly comfortable with a therapist. I think this may be because I have only spoken to male therapists in the past.

However, I'm not sure if she's a certified gender therapist, and I'm wondering if I need to seek out someone with more knowledge and experience with gender even though I enjoy and feel comfortable speaking to her. What would you recommend? I don't understand how all this can feel like it's going so fast, but at the same time is at a stand still. It feels like I've been given the option to walk in any direction I choose, but when I take a step my foot sinks just a little bit deeper in the quick sand, and I'm afraid I eventually won't be able to get my feet unstuck.


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Tamika Olivia and BeverleyAnn thank you for the reassurance. I'm just having a hard time at the moment. I don't know how to live in the present when it feels like such unfamiliar territory. All I know how to do right now is analyze history.

And I don't really see a future me... That's half the problem.... That's what scares me so damn much. Other than knowing I will likely be a good parent because of the love I have within me I realized I've never actually seen a future me. People say daydream about your future. And how do you see yourself as a man or a woman? One of my problems is I don't see anything at all. It only scares me and makes me more confused. I thought my life was going well and that I knew exactly where I was going with my career etc. now I saw blackness. A complete unknown and it scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me.


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Wow, you sound almost exactly like me. I too don't fit the standard narrative, and I've had a lot of the same confusion and doubt as you. I didn't realize I might be trans until just two months ago, but as I look back on things I realize I've actually had these feelings since I was 13 and they were just hiding in the background the whole time.. Back then they were just fantasies about being a girl, and I dismissed them as childish fantasies because of three things: religion, the fact that turning myself into a girl was impossible, and fear of where my identity was heading.

Of those three excuses, one is definitely no longer valid. I have since discovered, and you know full well, that turning myself into a girl is very possible with the right amount of effort.

Fear of where my identity was heading? I have since realized than changing myself physically really has no bearing on my interests and hobbies, and I can still live very much the same post-transition if I want to. However, I have had to deal with the belief that if I apply a certain label to myself, I have to try and fit myself to that label or else I doubt myself. It does cause a lot of stress.

Religion? There's a tough one. I thought that after breaking away from that environment it would be a non-issue, yet it has left me with some lingering psychological damage. Namely, I have developed an extreme fear of being wrong. Back when I was in that environment, I was always told to be very concerned about whether my actions were "sinful" or not, and I became afraid that if I believed one thing or continued to do another, and that thing was wrong, I would end up in Hell. While I'm not that afraid of the latter anymore, that sense of "what if you're wrong? you have to be absolutely sure you're not wrong or you'll have to deal with unpleasant consequences" has been the cause of a number of hangups for me right now. Particularly, I doubt every conclusion about my identity I come to and it has hampered my ability to interact with people. I felt guilty about presenting as female due to my not being certain I was trans, fearing that I would discover I really wasn't and thus have to go back on it to everyone I had met in that form.

But with the advice of supportive people, I'm starting to move forward and experiment a bit. I have started presenting as female in safe places where I can interact with accepting people, and the results have been really eye-opening to me. I would suggest you too might want to attempt to try it out and see how you like it.

Also, I will second the advice about finding a gender therapist. I will finish a letter I was working on after the Christmas insanity is over and intend to send it to a local therapist recommended by one of the chatgoers on here. If you are unsure of your identity, I have heard they can be very helpful in getting you sorted out.

You need to ask your therapist about her transgender patients to see if she is able to help you figure this out. If she is skilled in this area, then she should be able to help you figure this out. If she hasn't handled transgender patients before, you may need to consider anther therapist. Also ask about HRT even if you aren't sure you are ready for it. It's possible the blockers without the hormones might do you some good. I don't know how much you understand about being transgender but  WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) has a breakdown of the things that fall under the description of ->-bleeped-<-. I suspect one of the descriptions may come close to fitting what you feel and if it doesn't, talk about where it fails to match. There are variations some people have that aren't on the list.
After you have reviewed the link, let me know what you think of the list and if we can eliminate some of the items on the list.

Sometimes we just feel different or disconnected but we don't know what it is.   I was born in 1946 in the Black Hills of South Dakota.  I am the oldest of five.   When I look back at my past I was mostly disconnected.   Through my preschool years,  I was just a kid, and I interacted with other kids and I just lived without thinking much about myself, my environment, and my family.  I saw what I saw and I didn't think about it so when I think back I never really saw it.   When I was 5, I didn't notice what was there, I noticed what wasn't there.   We went to another town for the winter, and when I came home, my dog, and my friends were gone.   The neighbor girl was not around because her mother got polio and she was just not around to play.   My mother was pregnant with my little sister, but I didn't I just don't recall it. 

I was aware of myself, but I felt lonely because for some reason my brother who was 1 1/2 years younger than me didn't seem to want to play with me.   He and the one other boy,  would just run off and leave my nearsighted self to run after them in the woods behind our house.  I was not adventuresome.    Girl clothes were just not there for me, so it was not like I had a choice, and I was always trying to figure things out.   In my school classroom pictures, I was the shy kid off who set herself of a little part.   I did not think of myself as a boy or a girl because I was just there.    I was dressed like a little boy because those were the clothes my mother bought me, and I just accepted them without question, just like I accepted a lot of things in my life.   I just went through life doing what I was doing, because I never saw any other choice.

I was shy, self-conscious, and without a clue.  I didn't fit in with the rough and tumble boys and well the girls' world was across an invisible barrier.    There were just a few kids in my neighborhoods and age wise I didn't quite fit in.  So, when we played games I was just another one of the kids that was there, but I was in my own little world. 

When hormones started shaping my world, my dad was away undergoing cancer treatment and he was to come home later that year and die within a few months.    Wet dreams happened and the boys stood around on the playground and told dirty stories.   I stood at the edge of the boy circle and I didn't get the point of the dirty stories.  I was clueless.   I was very self-conscious about wet dreams and masturbation and tried to hid it.   It smelled and I always felt down afterward.   My mother left an almost used up lipstick in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and I experimented with it,  and I fantasized and daydreamed about magically becoming a girl.

My dad kept his magazines and detective books in the folks bedroom which was off limits at all times.  I had no idea about how boys and girls were different in the genital area, so in my daydreams, I would just have female genitals  and lose my male genitals.  Basically, on road trips, I would squat to pee instead of stand like my dad.

I didn't ever hate my body,  I was just disconnected from it.  Like, I was out to lunch when it came to being a male and dating.   Over the years, I have found that as a female, I don't have that problem, though I haven't had sex with a man because I don't have the girl parts and while my facial hair is light and not noticeable any man who gave me a hickey on the neck would get whisker burn on his lips.  So while sex as a woman feels natural to me, not having the female parts is a barrier which I fear would put my life in danger.  I also have fathered six kids and tried to help raise 4 more and dealt with children as a school teacher for over 30 years so I have had enough of it.  I still have a 12-year-old son at 69.

The point of all this is that I know I am a woman, period end of discussion and have lived as one for the past 7 years,  I still have problems with being disassociated from dealing realistically with it.  Confusion and self-doubt is a part of our existence that we can't run away with.  Now I see myself as a woman who spent most of her life living butch, but not by choice, but because that was the way my life was, that is until it wasn't.

I accept the fact that I do what I do because I am a woman.  Now for yourself, do you self-identify as a man or as a woman.   Are you dressing female because you are a woman or are you a man who wants to live as a woman?  There is no judgment here, it just gets to the roots of who you are.   

For me, it was accepting that I was female, then deciding if I wanted to still live a butch lifestyle or did I need to live a feminine life style.   I tried being butch and it just didn't fit who I am.   I need to be seen and accepted as a woman now a granny, and develop my own feminine style of course limited by my body which has a lot of male characteristics which I can distract others from.  I was a plain Tom before and now I am a plain Jane. 

  Passing as a granny seems to be natural for me because people have problems understanding when I say I am my son's father.   Maybe people just can't accept the concept of there being a transsexual granny.   If I look like a granny,  I must be one.   So my male name on my driver's license and the M and my big feet, and my voice, which has definitely male tones so I am made as a male when people hear and don't see me.   

I travel with my female partner, our son, and her two daughters who are still at home.   I am 20 years older than my girlfriend so I become her mother and the kids grandmother.     Once this idea has formed in people's minds, evidence to the contrary just doesn't matter.    It doesn't even seem to matter to the people who do know including the police and social services and the kid's schools.

I still have my doubts and my fears and I am not outwardly sensual.   I am just my female self.  I don't think I pass, and when I do seem to pass it blows my mind.   And my partner insists on calling me Michael and using male pronouns even in the bathrooms, and no one seems to care.   

So just live out who you are.   Discover what your gender is and what lifestyle you have to live that makes you comfortable and you can make work.

Personally, I have avoided a lot of issues that other trans people have to face every day.  My parents are dead.  I am out to everyone on social media, but only my current family has to deal with me on a daily basis because the rest of my family is hundreds of miles up to over a thousand miles away and so are my former students and lifetime friends.  I live in low-income housing and off of Social Security retirement so I am not dealing with work relationships.    I am a homebody so the bar scene is not a part of my life.   

But, I do have a lot of public exposure.   My kids friends come over,  and I am constantly fixing the neighbor kids' toys because I still have the tools I have accumulated over the years.  We don't have a car so we walk or take the bus.   I go to the library, vote, and was called to court duty.   Life has brought social services into my life and I have had to deal with the police, but not lately, because that has settled down.   The last seven years that I have been  out, we have had kids in elementary school, middle school, and high school and I have been my female self every minute.  I have also had to deal with the kids parents and with housing inspections and doctors and dentists, and optometrists. I have never been in a men's restroom in the past seven years  or a men's changing room while buying clothes.

I have been meant with being ignored, people not sitting next to me on the bus, catcalls once, indifference.  But there is no open hostility anywhere.  When I asked to be called Miss or say I pronounce Michael as Michelle it's accepted.
When you have kids you never live in isolation. 

I don't believe it,  I don't understand it,  and I don't always realize it, but when people see me I pass or am accepted as a female or it is perfectly acceptable for me to dress as a woman, even if people label me as a man.   All anyone ever sees me is as a female.  And I have found that the older I get the more invisible I become.   Maybe people have always seen me as a female and didn't quite buy the male part.   Even while dressing butch and teaching school, I never felt that I had male authority or maybe I just worked with strong-willed women who didn't defer to male authority.   Or maybe because I have always been a woman, I never knew how to exercise male authority or my body language sent out female vibes.   I was teased and picked on a lot as the new kid, but never called a sissy.

I guess I am trying to relate to your story through my own hoping that you will be able to relate to some of it. 
When my first family fell apart and I was free to start living as a female at home and around my house, I had a lot of fear, about being out in public as a female.   Having been married at that time for 29 years I was comfortable in the ladies section of stores and just pretended to be picking things up for the other females in my family.  Now I am uncomfortable in men's sections of stores.  It took me 9 years and retirement for me go to full time all the time. 

Unfortunately, I waited until I started to bald in the middle and back of my head, get gray, and loose most of my teeth.   I can look like a passable plain Jane granny, but I must wear my hair in a ponytail all the time or wear a hat or a scarf.   

So, you have to do what you have to do with your now.   Except for about three years, I have had a family to care for so I don't have the money for hormones, or surgery or counseling.   So if you are single, you can spend more on yourself.   I have always been a people pleaser,  though most people won't think so,  so I have made boundaries which I am still afraid to cross.   

Trans people can grow old and time many times is unkind, so you have to decide what to do with your present.   Making the changes you need to do in your life are not any easier in the future than they are now.   If you are afraid to make the changes you need to because you are afraid of what you may loose.   That loss may happen anyway for other reasons and the loss may be harder to understand and accept than the loss would have been if you had made your gender changes.   If your spouse walks off and leaves you because of your gender changes, she just may find another reason to walk off and leave you anyway and you will have lost that time in your life.   If you are afraid that your children will hate you because you change your gender, they may just find other reasons to hate your which are less understandable. 

These are the things I have learned in my life.  I put off my gender changes until later in my life and came to understand that perhaps I could have started at least 5 or ten years earlier because waiting didn't change anything.

Quote from: Dena on December 21, 2015, 11:41:19 PM
You need to ask your therapist about her transgender patients to see if she is able to help you figure this out. If she is skilled in this area, then she should be able to help you figure this out. If she hasn't handled transgender patients before, you may need to consider anther therapist. Also ask about HRT even if you aren't sure you are ready for it. It's possible the blockers without the hormones might do you some good. I don't know how much you understand about being transgender but  WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) has a breakdown of the things that fall under the description of ->-bleeped-<-. I suspect one of the descriptions may come close to fitting what you feel and if it doesn't, talk about where it fails to match. There are variations some people have that aren't on the list.
After you have reviewed the link, let me know what you think of the list and if we can eliminate some of the items on the list.

She's led me to believe that she does have other clients dealing with gender identity. Ive also already told her I don't want HRT right now, if ever. At this point it's important to me that I'm still physically able to start a family with my girlfriend. I have been curious about a T blocker though, how it might help me and also what the side effects might be so this is something I'll look into further.

Based on the descriptions in the link I think I could best identify somewhere around androgyne or genderqueer. I don't know if it's just because of the stigma that comes with it, but I hate the idea of being considered a cross-dresser, and I also think my feelings about my gender go beyond that at this point. I also took the COGIATI a few weeks ago, which I know is obviously just a tool meant to help not deliver a final outcome. However the answer I got for this as well was androgyne. It stated that i fall somewhere in between and most likely would be very unhappy with a complete transition, and also with staying with my gender assigned at birth. I don't think I fall into the transexual category as I don't have a desire to alter my body or start hormones at this time, but it's possible with time I could maybe find that I fall under the category of transgenderist.


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Quote from: Rp1713 on December 22, 2015, 10:48:59 AMBased on the descriptions in the link I think I could best identify somewhere around androgyne or genderqueer. I don't know if it's just because of the stigma that comes with it, but I hate the idea of being considered a cross-dresser, and I also think my feelings about my gender go beyond that at this point. I also took the COGIATI a few weeks ago, which I know is obviously just a tool meant to help not deliver a final outcome. However the answer I got for this as well was androgyne. It stated that i fall somewhere in between and most likely would be very unhappy with a complete transition, and also with staying with my gender assigned at birth. I don't think I fall into the transexual category as I don't have a desire to alter my body or start hormones at this time, but it's possible with time I could maybe find that I fall under the category of transgenderist.

For what it's worth, I have taken the same test over the last few months, and as I have experimented more with my identity and figured out more regarding what I like/don't like, I have found my answer to that test starting to shift. I used to get the same result as you, but as I'm opening up more, I now get "probable transsexual" most often. I also didn't want surgery or hormones at first, but now that I've explored my feelings more I find myself very interested in doing the latter (that and I have always wanted to have breasts). Your feelings may change as well farther along as you explore your identity and your feelings.

Regarding being a crossdresser, I hate thinking of myself like that as well.

Mod Edit: TOS 9,10

The following post assumes you looked at  Bigender  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Bigender) on the WiKi page and rejected it as an option.

I am a bit out of my are of knowledge here because I knew I was transsexual at age 13 and at no point did I suppress it or waver from my conviction. It is possible you have suppressed some of what you feel or are yielding to the pressure society has placed on you. I know you are transgender and it appears you are somewhat middle of the road so lets try to define a new life for you. One that you would be comfortable living in.

What type of haircut would you like to wear?
Style of clothing you would feel comfortable in - male, female or gender neutral?
Pronoun preference?
Would this be a look you would be comfortable in all the time or would you prefer another look as well?

For me, the transition was going all the way including surgery but not everybody had the need to do that. There are members of the board who live full time in female dress and are comfortable that way. Others pick the gender neutral approach and are not strongly drawn in either direction. They have all completed their transition to a life where they are happy. Unless you change your mind latter, you fit into the non binary area.

Quote from: Dena on December 22, 2015, 05:40:53 PM
The following post assumes you looked at  Bigender  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Bigender) on the WiKi page and rejected it as an option.

I am a bit out of my are of knowledge here because I knew I was transsexual at age 13 and at no point did I suppress it or waver from my conviction. It is possible you have suppressed some of what you feel or are yielding to the pressure society has placed on you. I know you are transgender and it appears you are somewhat middle of the road so lets try to define a new life for you. One that you would be comfortable living in.

What type of haircut would you like to wear?
Style of clothing you would feel comfortable in - male, female or gender neutral?
Pronoun preference?
Would this be a look you would be comfortable in all the time or would you prefer another look as well?

For me, the transition was going all the way including surgery but not everybody had the need to do that. There are members of the board who live full time in female dress and are comfortable that way. Others pick the gender neutral approach and are not strongly drawn in either direction. They have all completed their transition to a life where they are happy. Unless you change your mind latter, you fit into the non binary area.

I actually did not read that one. But that could fit as well. The reason I feel as though something like androgyne or genderqueer might fit me though is because I almost feel like a combination versus one or the other. Since I've been dealing with this strong bout of dysphoria over the last couple months I've been trying to identify or be hyper aware of how I feel at any given time. It will take some time and continued or improved self-awareness to really figure it out, but so far I've noted that sometimes I feel male, sometimes I feel female, and sometimes I feel like neither. These times I feel like neither I just feel like me.

I also feel like my style would be quite androgynous in public like wearing lots of band t-shirts or just t-shirts and flannel in general like I do now, and probably military style or work boots or sneakers; but at the same time trying out something like skinny jeans and eventually working up to wearing a little makeup and some jewelry along with painting my nails.

I've already been experimenting with wearing a necklace more often and hair ties around my wrist as well as painting my nails clear in public... I do prefer color but I'm just not comfortable with that in public at this point. I also have been wearing women's underwear underneath my male clothes more often and I've been wearing women's deodorant and girly smelling lotion from bath and body works for the last several weeks (the deodorant I've been doing for months).

I've been growing my hair out for over a year now and I plan to keep it going. I wear barrettes to keep it up when I'm at home because it's at that weird middle stage where I can't keep it out of my face, but I don't yet have the courage to wear these out and about. I plan to continue growing it out at least until it is full ponytail length. I refuse to put it up in a ponytail until it's long enough because I don't want to feed into the whole "man bun" fad hahaha. But I've always wanted long hair.

I think for now my best Approach will be to continue trying to identify my feelings on gender in my day to day life, and continue working on this androgyne/ femme type of style to see if it works for me, and do this until I gain the courage to try it out in public. At this point I've only dressed feminine in front of my girlfriend and my therapist. I've worn my feminine (but relatively androgynous) sweatpants and nail polish in public but other than that I've been too scared of how others will look at me. My anxiety, fear and dysphoria is very socially driven at this point in time. I also am going to look further into T blockers to see what this may do for me.

Dena I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the semblance of peace of mind that you've given me in this conversation. I was extremely dysphoric last night, really questioning and hating myself. You giving me affirmation that I am in fact transgender felt like a weight off of my shoulders. I needed to hear from someone that has been through anything like what I've been feeling that I'm not going crazy and this is real. It's just a matter of getting to the core of how I'm feeling. You also reminded me that this isn't something I'm going to figure out over night, that I'm not going to know everything, and that that's okay. I just had to let you know how much this means to me!

I appreciate everyone else's words of encouragement as well! Tamika, Beverlyann, Jamie and Michelle thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. It's good to know I'm not alone and have the support of all you wonderful people! I feel very fortunate to have found Susan's place at this time in my life.

More than happy to keep the conversation going but I just had to put that out there!

[emoji847][emoji847][emoji847][emoji847]
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Much love,

Ry


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I also forgot to answer the pronoun question! I don't particularly mind he/ him at this point, but I hate being called sir. I don't think I'd mind she/ her either, but I was also thinking earlier I could get used to the idea of they/ their. The pronoun discussion is quite a new one for me but I'm open!


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Trying to remember your history as a kid for clues is tough - I have forgotten (intentionally mentally buried) most of my childhood and trying to sift it for evidence for trans-ness at a young age was tough. I would say though that nobody is fully developed as a child and maybe we are never fully developed because we are always learning about ourselves until the day we die. Not knowing everything there was to know about yourself from day one isn't something to feel bad about. I've got the  usual questions from people: "why didn't you say earlier?" "why weren't you like this as a kid" etc. but quite honestly, they just weren't looking hard enough either. The evidence was there.

Those questions they ask are kind of stupid. It's like asking a kid what sexuality they have before they've even developed sexually to be attracted to somebody to even know what they're attracted to. And demanding why they couldn't have told you sooner. People realize their trans status at different rates and that could be due to all kinds of factors. I "knew" I was uncomfortable in my birth gender from a young age, but had no idea I was trans until I was out of my 20s. You just don't form connections until all the information coalesces to form them. Can't know until you know. Or explore.

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 22, 2015, 08:38:36 PM
I also forgot to answer the pronoun question! I don't particularly mind he/ him at this point, but I hate being called sir. I don't think I'd mind she/ her either, but I was also thinking earlier I could get used to the idea of they/ their. The pronoun discussion is quite a new one for me but I'm open!

Right, on that mine would be:

He/him: Kind of the default. I can accept it, but I'm not sure I really like it anymore. I still catch myself using them for myself, and when I do I'm not sure whether it feels right or not. Kind of ambivalent I guess.

They/them: Really awkward. I don't like this one at all, and it just seems like a way to avoid the issue in my opinion.

She/her: Feels kind of weird to hear people refer to me that way, but I really like it. After I went out in public as female on Saturday, I've found myself quietly repeating casual statements people made about me where they referred to me as she/her as a way of keeping the good feelings around.

Quote from: Jamie_06 on December 22, 2015, 08:52:59 PM
Right, on that mine would be:

He/him: Kind of the default. I can accept it, but I'm not sure I really like it anymore. I still catch myself using them for myself, and when I do I'm not sure whether it feels right or not. Kind of ambivalent I guess.

They/them: Really awkward. I don't like this one at all, and it just seems like a way to avoid the issue in my opinion.

She/her: Feels kind of weird to hear people refer to me that way, but I really like it. After I went out in public as female on Saturday, I've found myself quietly repeating casual statements people made about me where they referred to me as she/her as a way of keeping the good feelings around.

I'm glad you were able to achieve that feeling and keep it going. However I disagree with you on they/ them/ their. It's awkward and confusing at first for most people because it sounds like it's referring to multiple people. That's because in a way it is. People that want to be referred to in this way want to be recognized as two or more genders because that's how they feel. To me it seems like suggesting it's avoiding the issue is unfair and insensitive to how many non-binary people feel. It makes it sound like them feeling this way is invalid and that's not the case.


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I never meant to say that non-binary people didn't exist or that their feelings weren't valid. In fact, it is quite possible that I am non-binary myself. I just mean that I don't personally like someone using they/them to refer to me, because the one time they were, I felt it really was an attempt at avoiding the issue.

The guy showing me around the LGBT center on Saturday referred to me as "him," when I was wearing fake breasts and a skirt, and when I said not to he used "them." I didn't like that any more then "him," since it was still not the right term for they way I was presenting myself. If I'm trying to present myself as female, I want to be called "her."

On the other hand, if someone were to somehow call me she/her when I was still in guy mode, I believe I'd actually be a little surprised, but it would still make me happy inside.

I didn't realize you were speaking from a personal perspective, thank you for elaborating, that makes sense. I think in the future it would help you to Address the person directly when being misgendered like that. Perhaps next time just politely ask them to refer to you as she/ her in that scenario.


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I was a bit suspicious with your all over the board description that you might be bigendered or fluid and the way the link is offset in the Wiki page, I suspect you might have missed it. You aren't the first person like this I have encountered on the site but the feeling is a strange to me as being transsexual would be to a CIS. I understand it but I have a hard time envisioning it.

This would also make your feeling that you have blocked some of your past out more likely because you may have been switching at an early age and suppressed it because it wasn't socially acceptable. T may have added sufficient for to drive it back to the point of being visible.

The last person I encounters who was fluid was on blockers and they help prevent the gender movement so I suspect the blockers could help you. Where your gender will end up on blockers, I don't know but I think it would be a good idea to try them for a month or two and see if they can provide order in your life.

The last person also said that their therapist wasn't familiar with it and had to go digging for information on it. It called by some long medical term that I don't remember but if I think about it or find it, I will let you know. It appears this condition isn't common/well known or well documented in the medical community.

Another person I worked with had different styles and would wear the one that was appropriated for the day. I don't really have a better idea how to deal with constantly changing gender identity other than trying to find some middle ground.

Anyway, talk to your therapist about just the blockers at the next visit and see where that leaves you. If you settle down to masculine, problem may be solved. If you end up feminine, things get a little more complex.

I was inspired, better known as dumb luck. Go and read the following thread.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,200759.0.html

Quote from: Dena on December 22, 2015, 10:28:54 PM
I was inspired, better known as dumb luck. Go and read the following thread.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,200759.0.html

What an interesting coincidence. This post was started just 3 days after I joined Susan's. Not only that but I am also from the Boston area. I found the radiolab interview that they posted quite interesting. I felt able to relate to it, but at the same time it also made me feel like bigender or multigender might be a better way to describe what I'm going through rather than fluid.

Though I do sometimes feel different in certain moments I also don't see it being so abrupt of a Change with me, and could potentially almost be more of a conscious or subconscious "choice" about how I feel or want to express myself or present at any given time. Perhaps gender fluid fits for me as well because over time my feelings on how feminine I want to present and how I feel about hormones may change or fluctuate over time. It's tough to decipher because there is so much variation amongst trans people but I feel as though I'm at least narrowing it down some.

I also think after doing some more research about T blockers I'm not sure that is a step I would like to take right now either. I understand the effects are less permanent but terms like impotence etc makes me think it wouldn't be right for me at this time. I also kind of feel on a personal level that if it were to "level me off" into either feeling more masculine or feminine depending on the effects it has on me, that it would almost be like avoidance for me. I feel like I owe it to myself to figure out what's already there, and give myself an opportunity to sort it out in my own head some more before I start messing with chemically/ hormonally altering.

I think this feeling would be part of my potential gender fluidity as well, because I could see myself someday later in life wanting to give hormones or blockers a try. This could come someday once I've had the opportunity to start a family and have taken some more time to discover myself more. I think I can start to combat the feelings of dysphoria by being less afraid to express my feminine side, and to learn how to be less afraid of doing so in public, and worry less about what other people think. I've spent far too much of my life trying to make others happy and comfortable, and haven't given myself enough of this same compassion. I think I can start to find my true self through exploring a more feminine, but androgyny based lifestyle.

Thank you again Dena. You are truly assisting in helping me find more clarity on my situation.


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I understand your desire to have a family but there is one other thing to consider. The TG feeling does't get any better with time and tends to get worst. The blockers are given to young teens to stop puberty because the results reversible. If the child wishes to remain in their birth gender, they only need to stop the blockers and normal development will return. If you are going to have children, that is a long term commitment and your partner should be aware of what the future might hold. If being on the blockers causes you to settle into a feminine state, you should inform you future partner of this as you might wish to transition to escape the confusion of your current life. You would only need the blockers long enough to see the effect they have on you and then you could discontinue them and attempt to resolve your issues by other methods.

I suspect after this little session you are going to have plenty to talk about at your next therapy session. Good luck with it.

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 21, 2015, 07:37:15 PM
Every time I think things are starting to become more clear for me as to who I am or what I want, it's followed by confusion and self doubt hours and sometimes moments later.

I feel trapped in my own head. My mind is consumed with thoughts of dressing and feeling like a woman, but at the same time opposing thoughts of doubting that this is what I really want at all. Im searching for a connection in every little thing. Some connection that will reassure me that deep down this is what I've always wanted.

But why would these strong feelings not come out until I'm 25? Why weren't there signs to myself early on? This is what makes me feel like this is all just something I've built up in my head. Then I think of how sensitive and caring of a person I've always been, and how that has made me feel almost weak in comparison to the other boys and men around me. Feeling like I couldn't live up and was just some little pussy (sorry this is just what comes to mind as to how I truly felt about myself), like I couldn't live up to what I was supposed to be.

Then I think even harder. To when I was no older than 9 and I would sneak into my moms underwear drawer constantly when I was the only one upstairs... Wear them under my clothes, put plastic cups inside a sports bra just to see what I would look like with something underneath there.

Then at the same time I think, "but I never hated my penis, and I don't now", "I never hated my body, but I'm starting to the more my mind runs with this idea... But maybe it's just because I let myself go, forced myself to stop caring about weight gain or body hair or even to an extent what clothes or shoes I wear" could I have done all this just because there was someone else inside of me that was too scared to come out?

As I wrote this I had a flashback to how when I was 5 I had an imaginary friend named Lucy. At this age, right around when I started going to school and meeting all the "bad kids" that taught me how to swear and talk about girls, women... More or less sex.... I told my mother that Lucy died. That she got struck by lighting. Completely out of nowhere! Is this the moment where my repression truly began? Had I figured out that the boys at school wouldn't accept me, and the girls would never like me if I stayed this sensitive little boy that hung out with Lucy and played with my dolly Phillip?

Was I Lucy? Was this my attempt at such a young age of killing off this other side of my personality, or perhaps the real me altogether? I have no recollection of ever truly feeling like I wanted to be a girl or a woman, but could it be that I started repressing at such a young age that these memories couldn't even form?

I know it's impossible to "know that your transgender". But I continue to feel lost as I try to find my own personal answer to that question I'm sure many people here have asked themselves early on... "Could I REALLY be transgender? Me? But where were the signs? Who am i?!"

I'm sorry This is starting to feel like a rant. It's something that been building up in me in general, but particularly over the last few days. I want so bad to fee happy and normal, but I keep coming back to this confused state of depression as I wonder whether or not I'm heading down the right path. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Love you guys,

Ry


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You think your the most confused person on this forum, I am (and I don't say that proudly.)  My history is very complicated and I have so many complicating factors that I have been in a sort of whirlwind for the past 8 years, including many vicious cycles.  I have been torn with a similar doubt to you.

A trans person told me this recently and I believe it.  See whatever you can do to get a therapist that is specialized in transgender issues.  And I say this as someone who has tried to figure it out for 8 years to no avail.  It is likely too complicated for you to deal with yourself.  I have at least 30 or more separate factors I have to deal with.

Also, I feel especially pissed off now that I've let my mind repress my female self to the point that I can't access my female feelings easily anymore, and I at times so badly want to feel as feminine as I used to.  I don't think its worth it for any transgender person to repress their inner gender or inner feelings, because repression IMO only harms your mental health and emotional wellbeing and is not worth the cis-privilege.  It's better to figure out how to get the inner strength to be yourself in this world. 

Katelyn, the best thing to do is imurse yourself in it and and just things flow and come naturally and in time those feelings will come back. It takes time and we spend tons of time repressing things so we don't feel them. Also therapy can help bringing them out again. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Katelyn on December 24, 2015, 04:27:46 AM
You think your the most confused person on this forum, I am (and I don't say that proudly.)  My history is very complicated and I have so many complicating factors that I have been in a sort of whirlwind for the past 8 years, including many vicious cycles.  I have been torn with a similar doubt to you.

A trans person told me this recently and I believe it.  See whatever you can do to get a therapist that is specialized in transgender issues.  And I say this as someone who has tried to figure it out for 8 years to no avail.  It is likely too complicated for you to deal with yourself.  I have at least 30 or more separate factors I have to deal with.

Also, I feel especially pissed off now that I've let my mind repress my female self to the point that I can't access my female feelings easily anymore, and I at times so badly want to feel as feminine as I used to.  I don't think its worth it for any transgender person to repress their inner gender or inner feelings, because repression IMO only harms your mental health and emotional wellbeing and is not worth the cis-privilege.  It's better to figure out how to get the inner strength to be yourself in this world.

I don't necessarily think I'm anymore confused or have any more of a complicated situation than anyone else. I was just having an especially bad night as far as pain and self-doubt. Just from reading and talking through some stuff on this thread over the past couple days I've started to become more comfortable with my situation... Granted not actually comfortable by any means. But I'm ready to just try and become more myself. At the end of the day I'm really the only one that knows who that is. I've always been a loving and compassionate person, but I subconsciously started to resent people and become filled with more anger and contempt towards everyone because I now feel like I was never allowed the room to grow into the person I could be at a young age. Exterior factors caused a shift in my brain to push towards being the "man" I'm supposed to be. I see now that all this maleness is just an illusion created by society. No one has to live up to these societal standards if they don't want to. Someday I may want to go full female, who knows. But right now I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that I sometimes feel more feminine than others, but that that's okay. That I've always been very sensitive, and that's okay. That I enjoy the way that some women's clothes the scent of women's deodorant, lotion etc makes me feel. That I like looking in the mirror when I have make up done and smiling because I feel pretty, or even just more like me. I always saw guys like billy joe of green day with eyeliner and painted finger nails and thinking it was cool, but I was too afraid to be pegged as "Gay" some freak. Now that I've had the courage to try makeup in my own time I realize I just like the way I look beyond a little black eyeliner. And that I love looking at my hands and seeing any sort of color or sheen.

I still feel like I have to in public, but I'm tired of pretending I'm this tough guy like all these other men I see day in and day out. Some day I'll get the courage to express more of my true self in the world. For now I'm just working on being a nice happy person out there, by admitting to myself who I am mostly just at home for the time being.

I had a friend that once described themselves at gender fluid tell me they don't identify that way anymore. That labels and pronouns just mess with your head and that its okay to just be you. For me, I don't know what that label is right yet, but I'd like to find something that suits me because on a personal level I think it will bring greater understanding. At times I think I have focused on that aspect way too much and it was driving me crazy. While its still on my mind quite often and I don't plan to just let it go, I'm trying to let myself go a little, and give myself a break from the hysteria. The dysphoria, anxiety and depression are enough to drive you crazy, there's no point in driving yourself crazy too. I know how hard it is when you've repressed quite a bit, but perhaps try spending some of the time you do worrying about where you stand, what labels suit you, and all the different factors you're dealing with, you should just give yourself some room to breath. Seek out those things that you've stopped yourself from liking and partaking in just because you felt like it wasn't okay. Just let the real you shine through. I'm sure beneath all your confusion and anger there is a sweet happy person just like I know there is within me.

Lots of love your way. We will get through this.

Love,

Ry


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