Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For me, it's the strangest dichotomy; on one hand, my sexual drive has diminished significantly, maybe because the T-bomb helped me acknowledge *this* and thus mediate a shift from fetishism to honesty. On the other, I can't get thoughts out of my head of how this has impacted my life (in all veins), and is thus a source of...empowerment and thus...invigorating ?
Thoughts?



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Hard to say. I have a long history of knowing, yet denying, I am trans. I learned how to stuff my dysphoria down, down, down until it took one fairly minor and random event to blow the lot of up to the extent I knew I had to accept it. So I wouldn't say it was "coming out" but acceptance that changed everything for me.

Acceptance of me. Yes, that's what I meant. I've only come out to my wife and a few select friends, and you all here on SP, and my therapist...
Owning this is ... something I feel proud about yet ? More there, to be told as it comes I guess


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Acceptance kind of made my dysphoria worse.  I think the reason was that it was no longer possible to bury and ignore.  (Not that denial worked all that well to begin with).  Absolutely the only thing that has relieved the dysphoria is HRT.  I have done it three times, stopping the first two times when I was self medicating.  The relief has been identical each time.

Actually acceptance isn't really the right word.  I pretty much accepted it all along.  Resignations is a better word.  Resignation to the fact that it was beating me down and winning the battle.


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  For me I beat it down so deep that I needed a shovel to dig it out again. I would go through months and months of not doing any thing outward that would show my self as trans, caus all i could feel is guilt and shame. I then one day got dressed to the nines and found out how  important to me it was to live as a female.

  Is my dysphoria worse? I think in alot of ways yes. Before I was ok with shaving, now doing electro.  I need some form of female chest.... I say some form 'cause that is all i think I will get, with out buying a set ( I always did want breasts) .  Im not out at work yet so dressing as a male is very hard and I really hate it , but need an income.  That will change soon.

 

Mine didnt have to do with telling anyone as ive only ever told 2 people. It has gone down and while the pain can still come up, it has gone down more as Ive done things to help ease the pain like shaving my arms and wearing clear nail polish to help fit more with the girls but as for transitioning fully, not gonna happen. I dont care to deal with passing or not, surgery, hrt, society, explaining to my family and friends and on. It wasnt me looking to get the pain down as much as I have been looking to be me but the pain going down has made life much easier.

To tell people is VERY difficult for me though and can depress me but it's usually temporary but like I said only 2 people has been all Ive told my secret to.

hormones took away a lot of my problems and anxiety.. ( also some of the fantasy and excitement ).. coming out has had a " freeing "affect.. over all... not what i expected... absolutely no regrets.. no going back.. keep moving forward..
I am at peace with myself...and its been a very long time since i can say that ...

Definitely... I opened the box hoping for change and it's hard to put in all back in again while I'm waiting...

Quote from: Peep on December 24, 2015, 07:03:04 AM
Definitely... I opened the box hoping for change and it's hard to put in all back in again while I'm waiting...

Exactly.

No, not coming out to other people.

Realizing full for the first time myself the true nature and extent of my problem - yes. I cannot put it back in the box now and I can't ignore it. I feel angrier and more impatient than I ever did before when I just had some nebulous plodding sense of dysphoria about myself. I think because I assess things cumulatively in life, and suddenly there a whole pile of stuff that was there the whole time to sift through, realizing all the wasted time and opportunity, anger at myself for not having clarity sooner, etc.

But as for officially coming out to other people, I don't think that has had much effect, except for the fact my relationship got screwed up instantly.

My body dysphoria is about the same as it ever was - I still ignore my body as much as possible, but now I'm more sensitive to anything gender related than I was before and that does increase the dysphoria and impatience.

Going to throw in with what MsGrace, Deborah and a lot of the other girls have said. It seems the dysphoria is worse now that I've truly accepted who I am. Think it's due to me not trying to bury it anymore, now I'm actually trying to deal with it. One aspect of this that I do find a little puzzling is I realize I've always had the thoughts of wanting to have a woman's body but I don't remember ever really hating my male parts in years past. Now that I've really accepted who I am the desire that the dangly bits would just go away has gotten very, very strong. On particularly bad days I think I could just smash them with a hammer. Oh well I going to get all this worked out with time. I do see light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train ;D

This may help to answer a major inconsistency in my background as opposed to everyone else's.

I didn't really have much in the way of dysphoria growing up. Sure, I didn't like my body hair, lamented the fact that my voice dropped, and gained an odd fascination with gender-bender stories where I wished I could magically transform as well, and I've struggled with depression ever since I was 15, but nothing really stood out to me as being dysphoria.

Except when I've admitted to myself I might be trans and when I've embraced that identity. The reason I have been very cautious about actually admitting to myself, "OK, I'm trans" is because when I do, I wind up experiencing a really intense form of depression that's beyond anything I've felt earlier. Usually, it happens when I'm interacting with people; I feel horribly guilty and feel like I'm lying to them with every word I say, and that unless I present female in my interactions with everyone, I'm not being authentic. I have also noticed that I'm gradually becoming more uncomfortable being referred to with male pronouns.

However, all of the above is just as likely to be an illusion. The actual depressive guilt mentioned above really just seems to occur when I'm accepting a label of "transgender" for myself; when I back off on it and decide that I'm just "questioning," it's gone or a lot less significant. It's possible that if I label myself as something that I feel I have to give myself a certain set of attitudes that go along with it, and thus I'm really just deluding myself.

Quote from: Deborah on December 23, 2015, 11:06:25 PM
Acceptance kind of made my dysphoria worse.  I think the reason was that it was no longer possible to bury and ignore.  (Not that denial worked all that well to begin with).  Absolutely the only thing that has relieved the dysphoria is HRT.  I have done it three times, stopping the first two times when I was self medicating.  The relief has been identical each time.

Actually acceptance isn't really the right word.  I pretty much accepted it all along.  Resignations is a better word.  Resignation to the fact that it was beating me down and winning the battle.

Resignation is pretty much what a good 30-40 years of my adult(ish) life was. Resignation that I was different. Resignation that I was a sicko. Till finally resignation that I was "Just a CD++" since there was NO other viable options. One option, but not too viable  :(

Then came resignation of how I was NOT handling being trans came along. It took a lot of hard work after that point was reached to finally accept and eventually take ownership of being trans

Now, back to our show....
In a lot of ways I miss the "Good Old Days". The days, years before during resignation, when it was totally easy to stuff, deny, rely on diversions and distractions to get through life. Life was so simple then when I blindly believed that through the shear force of will I get persevere.

Post-Acceptance... Oh yeah, the GD totally sucks with how debilitating it can become. I am all too painfully aware now that I cannot use the shear the force of will. I never ever want to 'Revert' back to what I was no matter how painful things are today. Better to have a full spectrum of feelings vs... one or two. Better to live then to simply survive.

Ignorance is Bliss..... Perhaps some wise old sage was on to something there

Coming out for me hasn't made the Dysphoria better or worse, it's just changed the way i feel towards it. What has made it worse is the feeling of everything taking so long to get anywhere.
Sophie

It did badly for me. Well, coming out to myself has, anyway. It was always latently there, but ever since I've realised I was trans it worsened badly and began to interfere with my daily activities a lot, as I passed through various stages of denial, trans-grief and self doubt.
For example, I've always disliked my voice but since I came I came out I've tried actively not speak a lot so I wouldn't have to hear it.

Quote from: Deborah on December 23, 2015, 11:06:25 PM
Acceptance kind of made my dysphoria worse.  I think the reason was that it was no longer possible to bury and ignore.  (Not that denial worked all that well to begin with).  Absolutely the only thing that has relieved the dysphoria is HRT.  I have done it three times, stopping the first two times when I was self medicating.  The relief has been identical each time.

Actually acceptance isn't really the right word.  I pretty much accepted it all along.  Resignations is a better word.  Resignation to the fact that it was beating me down and winning the battle.


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Yes. The thing is that my wife knowing isn't enough. I've told a couple people and its made it worse in that I feel a greater need to be out. My wife doesn't get that. She wishes I would stay in the closet. In some ways I feel worse than when I was completely hiding it. I feel like I'm starting to unravel and feel the need to be me to the world.


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