Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm looking for advice on what people do to deal with the emotional effects of being misgendered.

I traveled for a few days from Seattle to Utah to see family. I was misgendered more in the past week than I've been in the past year of two combined, so I'm still feeling a bit icky. I'm out to them and it's been two years but they still get it wrong, intentionally or not.

In therapy for trauma or depression or whatever, there tend to be handy little exercises you can do to help restore an emotionally balanced state (like these mindfulness exercises for anxiety for example (http://www.drivingpeace.com/simple-dbt-mindfulness-exercises-for-anxiety/#.Vn1hUvkrLIU)).

Unfortunately, I don't know of anything quite like that for trans people to go from a state of dysphoria to feeling good again. So I'm wondering what works in people's experiences?

Thinking of maybe writing a little app for myself with lots of different options, so any ideas people have would be much appreciated, thanks!

It helps me a lot to stand up for myself.

When someone misgenders me, I determine whether it's deliberate or accidental. (Normally it's easy, but when there's doubt, I ask).

(1) When it's accidental, I insist that they apologize. Nothing major. Just, "oh, sorry about that" and then move on. No defensiveness. No explaining how hard it is. Just a quick apology and move on. If they refuse this simple and reasonable request, or don't prove willing to follow it, I reclassify the misgendering as (2) below.

(2) If it's deliberate, it is a disrespectful, willful insult, and I treat it exactly as I would any disrespectful, willful insult. I tell them I don't appreciate it, and I demand they stop. If they don't, they don't deserve my company, and I remove myself from their  presence until and unless they are willing to accord me simple human respect. If it means I need to put distance between us in the future, or cut them out of my life, so be it. That's their decision to make.

I hope this helps.

How do you insist they apologize without coming off as angry or rude?

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Not feeling good about yourself is caused by believing you do not meet your exceptions.

To feel good in the long term and to make criticism less impactful, you have two options;

1) You could meet your exceptions by focusing on the parts of you that make you feel icky, and working towards a state you would be content with them. If that is not possible, you could focus on things that already make you feel valuable, and refine them.

2) You could change your expectations by excepting that no one chooses who they are, and we are all doing our best. I was able to reach a level of acceptance by reading about human nature, and seeing the sameness in our motivations.

I am not very knowledgeable about feeling good in the short term, but what I do is either work on something that makes me feel valuable, or if I am incapable of focusing, I exercise. 

Quote from: Alexagon on December 25, 2015, 11:47:24 AM
How do you insist they apologize without coming off as angry or rude?

"I know you're trying hard to get it right. Can I ask that if you misgender me and I point it out, that you apologize? Just something quick, like 'sorry about that'. It would really mean a lot to me."

It happened at my former job after I transitioned, understandable since some had known me for many years as male. While they all tried some were more successful than others...people over 50 were the worst...just saying! Anyway, I never corrected them, I just asked "who?" if they used the wrong name or gender, 90% of the time they would apologise and self correct. The other times I would persist..."sorry, who?"...until they realised and self corrected. And yes, I would talk over the top of them. It was fairly effective, but only because I knew they were all trying to get it right, not sure how well it would work with people deliberately trying to misgender you. I'd just ignore them completely..."sorry, I have no idea who you are talking about/too".

Quote from: luminated_lucy on December 25, 2015, 09:33:43 AM
I'm looking for advice on what people do to deal with the emotional effects of being misgendered.

I traveled for a few days from Seattle to Utah to see family. I was misgendered more in the past week than I've been in the past year of two combined, so I'm still feeling a bit icky. I'm out to them and it's been two years but they still get it wrong, intentionally or not.

In therapy for trauma or depression or whatever, there tend to be handy little exercises you can do to help restore an emotionally balanced state (like these mindfulness exercises for anxiety for example (http://www.drivingpeace.com/simple-dbt-mindfulness-exercises-for-anxiety/#.Vn1hUvkrLIU)).

Unfortunately, I don't know of anything quite like that for trans people to go from a state of dysphoria to feeling good again. So I'm wondering what works in people's experiences?

Thinking of maybe writing a little app for myself with lots of different options, so any ideas people have would be much appreciated, thanks!

I think misgendering sucks too. I'm still inside the closet and is used to it. I have been misgendered my entire life, and it's about 15 years. As a child I didn't care. But after I hit the "puberty", I get dysphoric about both; my body and the misgendering. I get misgendered by my parents, rest of my family and all my friends. Everybody misgendering me except they at this forum. My parents know my trans-issue, but think it's a phase that would soon be done.

I'm a "actor" sometimes. I tries to ignoring the misgendering and continue the chat as nothing happening. I can work calm and in a alright mood, even I'm pissed off. I hasn't any properly advice to you. I usually thinks people doesn't know anything and have lack of knowledge. I know what I'm and they have no right to define me. I do often blame at the society that it is so about what's between peoples' legs.

Society "gender" much and be like: - Is that a girl or a boy? - She, he etc. - Sir, can you help me with that?
- Ma'am, where is the toilet?

Thing is, none of us can necessarily change the world around us to suit ourselves, and asking people to gender you right is a gamble. They either will or they won't when you stick your neck out and ask, but once you've asked they can either be nice and do what you ask, or they can deliberately make your life hell by not doing it. Or they might constantly forget or start calling you "he... she... it... I don't know!" like my sad excuse for a mother often does.

Dealing with it is accepting that we can't make everything around us conform to our desires. Which goes for most other things in life. So that's how I deal with it. I know I can't expect most things in life to be the way I want them to be, but I CAN change the way I react to them and how much I let them bother me.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 25, 2015, 01:42:30 PM
It happened at my former job after I transitioned, understandable since some had known me for many years as male. While they all tried some were more successful than others...people over 50 were the worst...just saying! Anyway, I never corrected them, I just asked "who?" if they used the wrong name or gender, 90% of the time they would apologise and self correct. The other times I would persist..."sorry, who?"...until they realised and self corrected. And yes, I would talk over the top of them. It was fairly effective, but only because I knew they were all trying to get it right, not sure how well it would work with people deliberately trying to misgender you. I'd just ignore them completely..."sorry, I have no idea who you are talking about/too".

I did that with my boss at my transition job lol. He kept saying my old name to ask me a question with someone else in the room and I completely pretended like I didn't hear him and then he suddenly remembered and used the right name and I was like 'oh, yes?' haha it was great

The last couple of years I have not been miss gendered buy anyone but my own family and when they do that! I do it back to them. also they call me by my old name and if we are in public I act like i never heard them and do not pay attention to them.
My mother is the biggest offender of this so I avoid taking her out to crowed places.

I forgive her because she is older and my mom so whatever. I Love her.

You should see the look on her face when I call her Dad. LOL

Lyndsey