Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Need some advice, please!

So, I ended up making an account on a dating website and I didn't expect to get connect with anyone really. Just a few superficial tags, and messages. Then there was one charmer who actually started up a great conversation and the next thing you know he's texting me every single day. This has been going on for a bout a week or so now. I text him at work, I text him before bed, I text him when I wake up. He's in his late twenties, an accomplished scientist, and an avid scholar.

Now we have a date scheduled for the latter half of January, and I am scared. He doesn't know I am trans, but he has seen numerous pictures of me (fully clothed, thank you), and doesn't seem to suspect a thing. My friends are telling me that I should be completely honest, which I plan to if there is a second date. If the first one flops, then he doesn't really have to know.

From what my friends say, they are worried about violence upon me if he were to find out, as one might not know how angry or deceived one can feel if something like this was sprung.  Others say after the first date is fine because if I tell him prior, I might get canceled on immediately. Another has said that I am lying by omission...which I don't mean to do either. Someone suggested just saying it outright, and if he still wants to go out, it's by virtue of my own personality and his open mindedness, and if he does cancel, it was worth it to find out I won't be wasting time or his.

Sigh. Help, please?  ???

<3
Audree

I'd say go with caution. I met my boyfriend online through a friend we both have in common, although he always knew I was transgender and we interacted with each other briefly before really starting to talk on a daily basis. I really think you should be honest with him, because people can be pretty closed minded about transgender subjects. Not sure how is it wherever you live, but we can never know where a lunatic is lurking, can't we?

I wish you good luck, though, lets hope he wont have a problem with you.

I do know that several girls have developed lovely relationships from online dating services. My dates have all been  - unpleasant. With them bring up their desire for sex almost immediately (in one case in the first sentence).  We sat down with a coffee and he said straight out 'would you be more comfortable having sex at your place or mine?' I dumped the hot coffee in his lap and left!

My rule for those dates is go to a very public safe place such as a coffee shop in daylight. I let my close friends know I'm going on a date and will call them on my mobile at a set time.

I don't think that is being paranoid, just cautious!

I hope your date goes wonderfully.

Oh my dates knew I was TG, or at least I never hid it in my profile.

Personally, for myself and not to be taken as a guiding principle for anyone else , I've never done online dating except once and I realized from that one instance I would never do it again. I at first did it just to see what would happen and I met someone on line. Avery good looking guy who had his own business. He started out so sweet and really wanted to get to know me. We talked on the internet for some time and he really seemed so perfect I let my guard down and started hoping that he was real. Oh, he was so sweet. I figured I better tell him that I was trans and I got the courage and did and I never heard from him again and  I hurt myself emotionally so I just vowed never to do that again. I have a plan I'm presently working on which  is much better for me. I feel that meeting someone in some sort of social setting is more for me. We can both check each other out and have the physical presence of meeting from the start on a neutral safe field. so he can physically see me before any further process of getting to know each other. Then There was one more instance before I totally gave up on internet dating. I met someone and again he seemed interested , but I got suspicious and did some searches and found he was using a false picture and identity.

I've done most of my dating online and have had a pretty positive experience. Before even meeting up I come out to them through video chat, its just safer that way. Also idk about you but coming out in person is nerve wrecking for me. Doing it through video chat just makes it all so much easier.

If they aren't willing to at least video chat with you beforehand that's a big red flag. 

This is always a huge conundrum. In the few times I've met a person online and it developed into a "let's meet up" situation I decided to be up front and let them know before the date... I called it dropping the T bomb. One person said they still wanted to meet up, and we did (sadly the date was fairly mediocre to say the least) and the other person I never heard from again. :(

I agree that if you do go ahead without telling him before then you need to be in a safe public situation - that will come in handy if he figures out during the date. There is sadly and unfortunately a real risk of the guy going bananas if and when he finds out you are trans. I decided it was better to just get it out of the way before the date regardless of the risk of rejection.

I hope it goes great for you!

i can never be bothered i setup a profile on POF but i don't even get an messages >:(

theres a couple of views id take as to telling him: A:don't tell him and if he has an issue when he finds out just say well you didn't ask. B:tell him if the date goes well. C:should of told him when you was casually chatting online.

being a scientist i doubt he will have an issue with it

It's a bitter pill, but my therapist who has been working with trans people for decades, says that she's never seen a relationship between a trans woman and a cis man last the man finding out the woman is trans. The best hope seems to be that he knows from the start.

That being said, I've been doing that for a year and nothing has clicked, so that isn't working well either.

If it were me, I'd tell him before our first date and give him a chance to cancel. That way you know for sure going forward that it will not be a problem.

In my honest opinion, you should tell him before your date. If he reacts badly and cancels the date then at least you know he's not worth bothering with and you protect yourself from any kind of situation in person. If he still wants to date, then all is good.

One thing I would suggest is not having long periods of online communication before a date. It's easy to create a fantasy version of someone that the real person can't live up to. Then you find yourself basically invested in someone that doesn't exist. That works the other way as well, and it's difficult when someone feels like they are in a relationship with you, when upon meeting them you would rather not be. Chat for a bit, then arrange a meetup soon after, preferably in the middle of the day with an agreement that it's just a drink for a couple of hours.

Well some people go the middle way.
Not telling from the start because it might shy people away. And people might have no idea what it means.

So after they have shown a few facets of themselves they tell. So they thave a chance to have been seen as a person.


There are a few things you might say in your favour.

-studies have shown being transgender is biological.
There are differences in brains of women and men, fixed before birth.
So a mismatch is possible. There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its literally a womans brain. Imo its an intersex condition.

If you explain and do not make a big deal out of it its likely they also see it this way.


many *hugs*

with online dating i make sure they know before hand. it makes things so much easier

My strategy with online dating has always been to disclose the fact I am trans in my profile, for several reasons.

(1) I don't think I pass 100% anyway so I don't want people messaging saying "You look like a man" or "You look trans".

(2) I prefer to filter out the transphobes right away before any messaging happens. If I am going to be chatting with someone I don't want to waste my time so I'd rather they know up front my trans status. My trans status is not something I am ashamed of or want to hide (I have zero plans on being stealth).


I don't consider it "lying" to hide your trans status from people. It's a calculated decision, a risk. Just not one I am willing to take.

Btw, I don't have my trans status right up front on my profile. It's at the very bottom of my profile just saying "P.s. I am trans". I try not to make a big deal out of it.

And for the record, since I started transitioning 7 months ago I have met two wonderful people with this strategy so it seems to be working and I consider myself to be a trans dating "success story". I think really the most important part of achieving success on the online dating market is to be either (1) super duper hot or (2) be interesting and have an interesting profile. If someone doesnt have a good personality then it's probably not just their trans status that is holding them back in the dating world.

I do it a bit different, it's in the first line of my profile. My way of thinking is people who have a problem with me being trans will stop reading right there and go away.

A bad reaction online means never hearing from the person again or getting an annoying message. A bad reaction in person can get violent quick. Have fun but be careful.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Hello everyone, I am on various dating sites with pleasant but limited success. What has worked out very well is my listing on Craigslist under miscellaneous romances, long term relationships (LTR), 't4m' category.
Respectful, professional, capable of buying dinner real guys there that get #GirlsLikeUs.
Regardless if you pass or not it feels great to just be yourself.  Most are open to marriage!
Warms my heart.
Thank you,
Anne

Omg. U need to tell him. If he isn't ok wit it you might get hurt physically or emotionally. U seem like u really like him n r attached n u need to tell him. Just cause they get to know u dosnt mean they will be fine wit it. I don't see it goin good on ur part of u don't tell him. in my experience I havnt had any issues wit violence but I hav had issues with getting my heart broken, but u never know tho... he might know

Meet in a public place, and tell him when YOU feel comfortable in doing so.

I don't really see the need to lay it out in front of him before he gets to know you but if it's getting more serious then he needs to know.

If you don't fully pass though, it could be problematic. You do seem like you do. But above all have fun and be safe.

And don't get your hopes too high up as many men just run when they hear "transgender."

That said, I don't meet people on online dating sites. I prefer in real life and that works out well for me. :)

for myself I've learned I just rather meet in a different way. There was another experience I had online where I put my picture up but didn't say I was trans and this really cute younger man tried to engage me in conversation , but in his profile he was holding his 4 year old son and my heart gave out and told myself I better not do this because I could hurt someone , so I stick to bars. In bars its easier for them to see what you point blank and if they want to talk that's cool. This is just the way I do things , no reflection on other methods.

Hmmm I have different experiences... There are a few dating websites in Holland that specialize in transgirls. In the past, before I came out of the closet, I quite frequently dated men over there. They gave me some kind of affirmation of my femininity that I needed. I didn't have the possibility to express that in any other context, these steamy encounters felt like some kind of pressure cooker of femininity. They gave me just enough air to maintain my male act.

Now I came out of the closet, I'm growing more weary of ->-bleeped-<-s though, in which I started recognizing several categories: I don't like men who aren't really transamorous but gay and all of a sudden start playing with my male parts. I feel they should honestly deal with their gay feelings (there's no shame in that) and not use me as an excuse. Nor do I like straight guys, who sometimes treat me with less respect than they would treat other girls, just want me for some kind of "exotic" experience and believe I'm easier than other girls.

So not too long ago, I was kind of raped during a date I had with one of those straight guys I met online. But it's a "he says, she says" situation, entirely useless to press any kind of charges. Also, the plan was to have sex, I dressed up the part, received him in my own house, so he can easily claim it was consensual. I didn't like him when we met though and refused him. He just forced himself upon me. It was a very unpleasant experience and stopped dating altogether.

I am not dating but have friends who have used online dating sites like OK Cupid.  Friends who are queer say so and so have my friends who are trans.  I have been nicely surprised by how well they have done finding relationships.  After having a hurtful secret for so long its hard for me to imagine wanting to hide my truth again. 

It is, of course, an individual choice but there are enough "discoveries" one finds out about when dating.  I would hope the discoveries are mutually pleasant like sharing a love of poetry or skating or ....   The typical anxieties associated with being intimate for the first time are daunting enough.  If he is informed about your status prior to your meeting you may avoid a huge dose of rejection no one needs?

My fantasies always work out, thats why i call them day dreams ;) ;D

A girlfriend of mine told me that OKCupid lets you set a flag so that your account will be hidden from straight people... so that's a start anyway.

I used OKCupid to find my girlfriend (or rather she used it to find me...) and I found it fantastic. Great options for gender and sexuality, option to hide from straight people!

I think in your specific situation, the best option is to let them know beforehand, but only when you're comfortable. It's not your obligation to tell them right away, and quite frankly, it's your choice, because you aren't lying about who you are. I never put that I'm trans on my profile for dating, I'd rather bring it up after getting a chance to talk to someone first. Best of luck!!

Quote from: sparrow on December 30, 2015, 04:08:24 PM
A girlfriend of mine told me that OKCupid lets you set a flag so that your account will be hidden from straight people...

How does it work?  I so much need that feature activated!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CP3NeahVEAEJRPh.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CP3NecXUwAADiGo.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/COaHImOVAAECbE9.jpg)(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPxfcz2UYAAzspj.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPxfczuUkAAH6-M.jpg)   Does this mean I pass?

 :icon_userfriendly:

Quote from: OOAnne on December 30, 2015, 06:45:40 PM
How does it work?  I so much need that feature activated!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CP3NeahVEAEJRPh.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CP3NecXUwAADiGo.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/COaHImOVAAECbE9.jpg)(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPxfcz2UYAAzspj.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPxfczuUkAAH6-M.jpg)   Does this mean I pass?

Hahaha, that looks just like the replies that I get on okcupid!

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2Fij2sflcs7%2FSchermafdruk_2015_12_31_05_14_26.png&hash=292bb3dd7b5d9b84ef9712631c354757057e769a)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2F6v6uy1c37%2FSchermafdruk_2015_12_31_05_14_49.png&hash=9826002eecbc6ae13bba0e2f4133febb6d864cd4)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimg.org%2Fmss2re0kt%2FSchermafdruk_2015_12_31_05_18_43.png&hash=9b047499c7f4a817a5565e22919ba543716b8819)

Given he is a scientist and a scholar the probability of physical violence looks small. Also probabilty of acceptance looks increased above the average. However having a date in a very safe and public space it's still worth. Even having some kind of protection device (ie pepper spray) looks reasonable.

Avoiding any emotional attachment to him before "coming out" sounds like a good idea. Being cautious and putting some emotional distance may diminish any perception of being "deceived".

Telling him after the first date may increase chances since he is gonna know more about you (this includes the very notion of perceiving you in person)  and this can decrease the relevance of being transgender when making a decision.

I don't think you're "lying by omission" since being transgender is not in any conflict with being a woman or presenting as a woman. The question about your sex assignation at birth has not been asked, so omitting does not imply "lying" or "deceiving".

Also there's no ethic nor moral obligation to give what can be considered strictly medical information. Its not like you have a disease than can be transmitted.

What you're doing is taking the risk of wasting your time on internet chatting and having a date in exchange of more chances to diminish the probable prejudices against "trans status".

On a side note, If you ask me I think that pointing out your "trans status" on your dating profile is a more cost-effective strategy since creeps, pervs and people just interested in sex are quite easy to screen and detect while people prejudiced against trans is not.

I don't hav it on my dating profiles that I'm trans but I usually get these responses wen I tell them.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi823.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fzz151%2Fusergino%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2Fimage_zpswotzukub.png&hash=db0d64f138b4d70fc204ac61488a09542f73bbbc)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi823.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fzz151%2Fusergino%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2Fimage_zpsaruf2yvu.png&hash=1d377f78f521dd26ae31952d10df3b92dc846c9d)

Yup, just telling after they contact you is a very efficient strategy too. It's very similar to pointing out your status on your profile; figuring out if they just go after sex is not rocket science.

Wow, thanks ladies for all of the great advice and concern :)

Good job OoAnne and Angelique for those great scoops into your dating apps!! Haha, so crazy... maybe I ought to do that from here on out. OkCupid does sound like a really good option if you can hide from straight people. It just seems to make sense to avoid a lot of unnecessary woes and filtering. I don't suppose there's a trans app at all, huh? The LGBT apps I've seen are rather small and don't really work.

Yes I am kinda attached already. I know this is bad, but I have already started to lower my expectations. I'll be taking Cindy's advice with letting people know where I'm at and to await a call from me before too long after the date. That sounds like a great idea. Telling him before... I really want to... I don't get clocked too often and it would suck to have that happen on a date, but I feel pretty comfortable with my appearance. I think it's a risk I'll be willing to take. He is quite the gentleman and I told him I would be paying for my own meal.

After this one, I will be changing my policy to dropping the TG status immediately as they match and message and see how that goes. Or just go straight to OkC. The dating pool on Tinder can be quite awful.

<3
Audree