Susan's Place Transgender Resources

ok well I've been hooking up wit the same guy for a full year n he knows I'm trans obviously but he didn't know I was trans  wen I met him till I told him that night (I met him at a grocery store not online) I'm his first transgender n still am his only transgender n he's straight not even bi. I really like this guy n he really likes me but he says he dosnt want his family (brothers) n friends to find out.... he told me before that they r ruthless n cruel, but they found out somehow n they been messing with him bout it ever since...he  keeps telling me that he isn't looking for a girlfriend till he's financially stable n he said that could be anywhere between now n another year n even tho we arnt dating he gets jealous wen guys talk to me, but yet he's still seeing other girls.  on  New Year's Eve I txted him n he told me he was out of town n then 3 hours later he walks into my fav bar with his friends n Ik for a fact he never goes there n he looked right at me with no emotion then  after that he txts me n apologizes n begs me to forgive him then he said that they were goin out of town but friends bailed so they decided to stay in town but Ultimately he ended up picking me up n we went to him n his friends place which was the very first time he took me there,but they were asleep on the floors n couch so we had to sneak around them but we stayed up all night watching movies n hooked up n before they woke up he took me home. I asked him why he treats me the way he does n he said cause he hates to lead on a girl as sweet as me n I asked him why he didn't just tell me he wasn't goin out of town n he said that he didn't want me thinking of him all night that he wanted me to hav fun.I just don't understand how to go by this cause he sends mix signals.... So wat should I do? I really want to hav hope n wait but I don't want to get my heart broken.

This is just my 2 cents, but I think you'd be better off to keep looking. He seems to have some weird rules where he can but you can't. You seem to be his little secret also.

I think you really do deserve someone who's more willing to be open about his relationship with you, and be able to commit to you more consistently (if that's what you're looking for).  He may eventually commit to you of course (no one can predict the future), but in the meantime, it's hurtful for you to have to question what his intentions are, and to feel mistreated.

I've been dating a straight-identified guy for close to three months, and his family/friends know about me.  I've met his friends, and I'm just waiting till I'm further in my transition to meet his family.  I would not have given him a chance had I not trusted in his willingness to be open about our relationship, and I don't think that's unrealistic on my part.  Trans women really don't deserve to be treated any less than cis women, and there definitely are men out there who recognize this and respect it (they're rare but out there).

FYI, I'm not nearly 1/3 as passable (or beautiful) as you lol.  So I really don't think it comes down to passability. 

I mean he said he's sees me as nothing but a girl, but he said his friends don't see it like that cause I was born male.  I even asked him if my penis the reason why he dosnt want to date me n he said no that that def isn't the reason cause I'm prettier than any of the girls he's hooked up wit that if it happens it happens but it's not happening till he's financially stable. I'm just worried bout Wat if he find someone he likes better or gets some girl pregnant.

Edit: His own old brother hit on me n danced wit me at a club  ( after I met the guy I'm talkin bout) n his brother freaked after he found out I was trans....

Hmm.  I don't know then.  How is it that he can't introduce you to his friends at least?  I'd probably demand answers from him, but I can be a bit pesky that way ;)

It might just be that he's not big on commitment in general.  In that case, I guess you'd have to weigh your options - if you like him enough to continue dating him, do so and be prepared to (potentially) continue being treated the way that you are.  I still think you deserve somebody who respects you and acknowledges you publicly, trans or not :)

Quote from: starting_anew on January 04, 2016, 05:08:10 PM
Hmm.  I don't know then.  How is it that he can't introduce you to his friends at least?  I'd probably demand answers from him, but I can be a bit pesky that way ;)

It might just be that he's not big on commitment in general.  In that case, I guess you'd have to weigh your options - if you like him enough to continue dating him, do so and be prepared to continue being treated the way that you are.  I still think you deserve somebody who respects you and acknowledges you publicly, trans or not :)

ive only met one of his friends n actually talked to him but Luke had no idea I did that which is prolly how his other friends n brothers found out me n him hav been hooking up, but the friend I talked to didn't  care that I'm trans, but I guess the others r different. We arnt actually dating tho.

Honestly, I think he's just using you. Kick him to the curb with the other trash. You deserve better. Your a beautiful girl that deserves better. There is your Mr. Right out there for you, you just have to keep looking and not give up on yourself.

I knew a guy at university who was playing the field with a number of women and there was one he would hang out with if he couldn't hook up with someone else. Sure he'd always say the nicest things and have the best excuses but he was using them for his own ego and sexual outlets. Sounds to me like this guy is using you and you can do better.

As stephanie and starting_anew told you, I think you should not get emotionally attached to him for now.

I think he is very attracted to you and that nothing physically about you is preventing him on having a serious relationship. Honestly I don't think he is expecting you to undergo SRS or cosmetic surgeries to make a decision.

But... here goes the big but: he is obviously insecure and sees his current status (financially and socially) way too dependent on others (his family and his social circles aka current friends) so if this status doesn't change he's not going to take risks.

In my experience he may be the kind of guy who could have a long-term relationship with a trans girl BUT ONLY having a more independent personal situation (nice job and possibilities to change his social circles without having a major impact on his life). So this is just a chance among many more.

Probably he is thinking something like "damn, if I just got money and a stable job I could be able to do what I want without expecting major consequences, I wouldn't have any problem if my family and friends don't put up with my decisions, I would'nt need any of them since I'd be able to support myself and meet new friends and people". So that may be why he sends those mixed signals; he just want to keep his options open to a reasonable extent.

Anyway you have to think first in your best interest and be aware that even if all this I am speculating is true and the guy is really worth, there is a chance that a relationship between both of you may never happen. As you said he could meet a very interesting cisgirl before being socially and financially independent, find someother girl (cis or trans) he likes better, etc etc etc. Those are very real possibilities so you should keep your options open and try not to attach emotionally to him at all, not a tiny bit.

TL;DR Don't take seriously this guy until he makes a real move and keep looking for more guys to date. Stay in contact with him, try to keep his interest in you but avoid to attach emotionally at all costs. If you can't avoid emotional attachment I think it's not worth the risk and your best choice is just keep him out of your radar.

Quote from: Wednesday on January 04, 2016, 05:39:46 PM
As stephanie and starting_anew told you, I think you should not get emotionally attached to him for now.

I think he is very attracted to you and that nothing physically about you is preventing him on having a serious relationship. Honestly I don't think he is expecting you to undergo SRS or cosmetic surgeries to make a decision.

But... here goes the big but: he is obviously insecure and sees his current status (financially and socially) way too dependent on others (his family and his social circles aka current friends) so if this status doesn't change he's not going to take risks.

In my experience he may be the kind of guy who could have a long-term relationship with a trans girl BUT ONLY having a more independent personal situation (nice job and possibilities to change his social circles without having a major impact on his life). So this is just a chance among many more.

Probably he is thinking something like "damn, if I just got money and a stable job I could be able to do what I want without expecting major consequences, I wouldn't have any problem if my family and friends don't put up with my decisions, I would'nt need any of them since I'd be able to support myself and meet new friends and people". So that may be why he sends those mixed signals; he just want to keep his options open to a reasonable extent.

Anyway you have to think first in your best interest and be aware that even if all this I am speculating is true and the guy is really worth, there is a chance that a relationship between both of you may never happen. As you said he could meet a very interesting cisgirl before being socially and financially independent, find someother girl (cis or trans) he likes better, etc etc etc. Those are very real possibilities so you should keep your options open and try not to attach emotionally to him at all, not a tiny bit.

TL;DR Don't take seriously this guy until he makes a real move and keep looking for more guys to date. Stay in contact with him, try to keep his interest in you but avoid to attach emotionally at all costs. If you can't avoid emotional attachment I think it's not worth the risk and your best choice is just keep him out of your radar.

im already emotionally attached to him tho :/

Well, I don't know much about guys. I've never had a boyfriend, but I played one in real life.  :D

But I do know that the best way to know how people will act is to watch how they've been acting.

You need to decide. If you're unhappy with the way you're being treated and nothing is changing, that's what the future is likely to hold. If that's good enough for you, stay. If not, find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

Gender dysphoria is the most soul-destroying condition I know, but waiting for a boyfriend to change has to be a close second.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on January 04, 2016, 05:43:29 PM
im already emotionally attached to him tho :/

u_u you girls never listen to me and I'm master Yoda when it comes to dealing with guys lol

Now speaking seriously, he's not worth the risk. You're a tough player, got lots of potential options and, even more important, time is working in your favor. You'r just starting your journey and many things can't do nothing but improve for yourself in the future, so... clock is ticking way faster for him.

Just be smart and look at the situation coldly.

I <3 Wednesday lol.  Yess!  Totally agree. 

You may be emotionally attached already, but maybe then do your best not to invest anymore.  I realize this is hard, but trust me, there are so many guys out there who would appreciate you for who you are. 

Quote from: starting_anew on January 04, 2016, 06:16:33 PM
I <3 Wednesday lol.  Yess!  Totally agree. 

You may be emotionally attached already, but maybe then do your best not to invest anymore.  I realize this is hard, but trust me, there are so many guys out there who would appreciate you for who you are.

but there isn't many who look as good as he does n.... He has the best u know Wat that I've ever seen....

that's seems pretty illogical. sorry to be blunt.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 04, 2016, 06:36:44 PM
that's seems pretty illogical. sorry to be blunt.

wat I meant was I would find someone else cause Ik I can get better emotionally but I don't think I can get better with physical looks.

Quote from: starting_anew on January 04, 2016, 06:16:33 PM
I <3 Wednesday lol.  Yess!  Totally agree. 

<3 You received my vibes sent through the Force lol

Quote from: angelique_lacava
but there isn't many who look as good as he does n.... He has the best u know Wat that I've ever seen....

And thats why he can afford to keep his options open and not to make a move with you.

But as I said, time is working in your favor. By the end of 2016 you're gonna look prettier just by keeping your hormone therapy. By the end of 2017 you're gonna look better than by the end of 2016 just by doing nothing more that what are you doing actually. What about if you get to save some money and get a striking BA, for example? How does that sound?

By the end of 2016 you'll be meeting very good looking guys (some may be as good looking as him) who would be a year more mature, and that would have more chances to offer stability. Those chances are gonna be increased by the end 2017. And this is just a 2 year estimation, you have plenty of time ahead. How does that sound? Do you think honestly you should be the one the getting worried here?

Quote from: Wednesday on January 04, 2016, 06:46:15 PM
<3 You received my vibes sent through the Force lol

And thats why he can afford to keep his options open and not making a move with you.

But as I said, time is working in your favor. By the end of 2016 you're gonna look prettier just by keeping your hormone therapy. By the end of 2017 you're gonna look better than by the end of 2016 just by doing nothing more that what are you doing actually. What about if you get to save some money and get a striking BA, for example? How does that sound?

By the end of 2016 you'll be meeting very good looking guys (some may be as good looking as him) who would be a year more mature, and that would have more chances to offer stability. Those chances are gonna be increased by the end 2017. And this is just a 2 year estimation, you have plenty of time ahead. How does that sound? Do you think honestly you should be the one the getting worried here?

I've tried moving on from him before but I always keep goin back. Plus even tho I don't hav breasts yet n am only AA I actually took off my bra New Year's Eve n he didn't judge me on it.idk I guess I'll give it a little bit more time n see if he changes.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on January 04, 2016, 06:53:28 PM
I've tried moving on from him before but I always keep goin back. Plus even tho I don't hav breasts yet n am only AA I actually took off my bra New Year's Eve n he didn't judge me on it.idk I guess I'll give it a little bit more time n see if he changes.

The BA was just an example, I mean, there's always room for improvement and we always can get better at everything, so you shoould'nt worry too much. Just try to keep your head cool and distract yourself with other people in the meantime!

Again, there are plenty of guys out there who won't judge you even if your body hasn't fully developed yet.  I met my bf about a month before starting AAs (assuming you meant anti-androgens/spiro), and yes, we took things extremely slow, but he never judged me for being early in my transition and has always insisted he sees me fully as female.  You deserve one who doesn't judge you or looks at you any different than any other female (the way that this guy does), but also respects you and feels proud to be with you.  And that is totally possible.   

I'm sorry to say but he is hedging his bets/trying to have his cake and eat it too.. You have already caught him out with at least one lie "saying he was out of town ", I'm betting there are others lies or half truths also. Yeah he may look good,  but lies make good looking turn ugly.  You do deserve better than what you've told us...

Quote from: starting_anew on January 04, 2016, 07:19:40 PM
Again, there are plenty of guys out there who won't judge you even if your body hasn't fully developed yet.  I met my bf about a month before starting AAs (assuming you meant anti-androgens/spiro), and yes, we took things extremely slow, but he never judged me for being early in my transition and has always insisted he sees me fully as female.  You deserve one who doesn't judge you or looks at you any different than any other female (the way that this guy does), but also respects you and feels proud to be with you.  And that is totally possible.

by AA I meant boob size, but he does see me as female he's just scared to be seen differently by friends n family.

Sounds like bad news to me.  Here's how I read him.  He's sexually attracted to you and he likes the sex, but he hasn't come to grips with the whole TG thing.  He's still afraid of what other guys and his family think, which makes him ashamed to be with you openly.  So unless that changes, he's not relationship material.

If you continue to see him as things are, you have to understand he's using you for sex and he's not able to commit to you in any meaningful way other than that.  He views you as a booty call.

We have our needs, just like guys have theirs.  You're attracted to him and it sounds like you like the sex just as he does.  Nothing wrong with that!  I'm not judging you.  If you want to keep seeing him and keep things at that level, that's your decision to make.  But please don't invest too much in him emotionally, hoping that he'll be more committed when he gets more money or more independence or whatever.  He's not moving in that direction.  If it's rewarding enough to you to keep on seeing him, okay!  But don't let him break your heart, because he's not worth it.

Also, I sign on to what Wednesday brought up.  You're at an early stage of transition.  Don't sell yourself short by thinking this guy is the best you'll ever find.  He's not.  As you move forward in the process, you're going to develop sophistication, become more attractive, more confident in your new gender identity.  Listen to Wednesday when she tells you that time is on your side.

Hi Angel

I will be blunt with you and I'm sorry, If this Guy truly cares about you he will educate his friends and family and be with you. The guy that I'm with has been so sweet to me and he has taken me to meet his whole family and all his friends. As he said to me you are a women and I am a man. so that is that. I would Dumb his butt!! if he really loves you like you think than he will do as I have said.


Hug's Lyndsey

So this guy has the best...you've ever seen?  What's more important to you.  A good looking...or treating you respectfully?

QuoteI really like this guy n he really likes me but he says he dosnt want his family (brothers) n friends to find out.... he told me before that they r ruthless n cruel, but they found out somehow n they been messing with him bout it ever since

I don't THINK my fam knows my "boyfriend" is actually a chick, but I'm pretty sure they already know I will come down on them hard if they get out of line when we tell them.  You need a partner that will back you the hell up if his friends/fam cause a ruckus about your gender identity.  If this guy won't do it, kick him to the curb.

I personally would explain to him that being transgender is biological.
There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of that mismatch.
And decisive for the body are hormones. Your boobies are the real thing.
Hes attracted to you being a woman.

It seems his friends know so he would have some explaining to do.

Well often people have a feeling they can turn people around and it is not the case.
Its up to you if you want to try or look for a nice partner who is already further along.

Just know you deserve someone loving you...


*hugs*

My thoughts, if it isn't a "hell yes!" coming from both of you then it's not the kind of relationship that will last.

If you like his body and think he's a good frack buddy then make it clear that you'll only ever consider him a friend with benefits. There's certainly nothing wrong with having that type of friendship.

There's a guy I met recently that is pretty much the same way. We secretly left the party we were at and came back to my place because he didn't want his friends to know. And you know what, I'm okay with that because I know how difficult it is to be your authentic self in the face of social stigma. I see it as helping him explore a side of himself that he might not otherwise. Not just that though, I wanted the experience for myself as well. I'm actually a pretty damn horny girl, it drives me nutz sometimes LOL  ;D

Anyway, we might even hook up again, but there's no way I'll ever consider him boyfriend material so long as he is has the 'afraid of people finding out' mentality. I deserve someone that will respect me for the woman I am, but also someone who has as much self confidence as I do and who doesn't give a funk about what others think.