Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Susan's is one of the many resources I've used over the years that have provided support and knowledge in some of my darkest hours.  It is the most comprehensive forum that I have found where honest, wise, and caring individuals reside. My name is Jimmie, I'm 44, and over the last 4-5 years I've perused the countless messages on this forum.  They have helped me realize that I wasn't alone...going crazy progressively worse each day like a bad pop song playing repetitively over and over, more often, and more intensely.  That is why I'd like to use this forum to dialogue with you all as my journey progresses, maybe it is my turn to give back based on where I am right now.  As I write this, I'm pretty certain I know what my future is destined to be, but I'm scared as hell to face it for so many reasons.  Wife (of 20+ years) family, kids, business and drinking buddy's.  I don't know how transgender people before the internet could have ever been more scared, and lost, and desperate.  So to those of you that are pioneers-my respect and admiration goes out to you!

I know this family, Susan's, is ready for me, but I'm not sure I am ready for this family.  In other words, I'm not ready to fully accept that I am a male to female transgender person.  I'm not going to go into the details of my "story" because hundreds of you have already told my story; and it is astonishing to me to look at a "transgender" support site like this; To see about 1 person every few hours introduce themselves.   Many of you are telling my story with a few variances here and there.  When you have people that have never met, or been brought up the same way, yet have had precisely the same thoughts and situations happen over the years, I find that fascinating, compelling, and comforting. This to me is confirmation.  Making a decision to use feminizing hormones is onfirmation.  Feeling right...once on estrogen is confirmation. feeling so very much compelled and obligated to painfully and awkwardly admit to your wife that these feelings have been there over the years, but you
were too scared to talk about them is confirmation.  Which is what I did, Christmas Eve 2015.

The way my dysphoria came out was in a drunken conversation with my wife that gave me no choice but to honestly communicate my feelings when confronted the next evening.  Although I wasn't expecting this to come out the way it did, I was ready to explain everything.  And relieved beyond belief to know that she now knew my struggles.  The pent up lies and deceit were eating me.  And even though we shed tears, and talked until the sun came up, her reaction was unexpected.  Pleasantly unexpected.  At her recommendation, she supported me in medicating with (for the second time) female hormone therapy, which I've recently started again. 

We've had a couple weeks to let this soak in, and tonight she is telling her best friend about my disphoria.  I'm so nervous and scared.  When two people know, then 4 people know, then 8, and 16, eventually it makes it's way to those you never fathomed, like family, kids, business and drinking buddy's.  And that is why I need a family that understands.  Hello to you, my friends.  Looking forward...

Hi jimmie and Welcome to Susan's

So you have been here, seen us, heard us. The tears, the hopes, the frustrations.
There is one thing I do know, I was at one time where you are now.... and it can get better.

You are not ready. Who is? I wasn't.
I knew I was female who I was 5. At 58 I finally accepted it. This is not an easy journey, and it is a journey. But it can be done.

As you may have read we suggest talking to a good gender therapist. They are not going to pass judgement or tell you of you are TG or not. Only you know that, even if you are not sure.

But we are here for you as we have been here for thousands of others, and will be for thousands more.

Why? Because we do know what you are going through.

Welcome Hon and do have a read of the following links for general site info...

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Thanks for the encouragement Cindy.  I am meeting with a gender therapist Wednesday.  I'm currently working on the paperwork for that.  Looking forward to this appointment for sure.

Hi jimmie  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi jimmie :)
Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. You're very fortunate to have a caring wife who was able to communicate and talk over everything with you. I'm sure you'll be proud and happy, it seems, to have supportive family and friends right behind you!

Audree

 "As I write this, I'm pretty certain I know what my future is destined to be, but I'm scared as hell to face it for so many reasons.  Wife (of 20+ years) family, kids, business and drinking buddy's. "

Been there..Wife (30yrs), family, kids, work, friends..... going thru that right now..  I am willing to bet your future is nothing like you expect... Every bodies mileage may very.. But.. I knew the overall path I was going to take.. and i was right so far..  but my predictions for how i would end up feeling.. interacting with others.. overall life experience is way different than I thought it would be.. I actually view life better than i ever have before..  It does take a bit for others to adjust. but I think when others see you happier and more positive.. it kind of rubs off and you actually get some of it back..
There were a Few rough spots... especially in the beginning .. but my advice is buckle up and Enjoy the Ride.. And it really is one heck of a ride..
Good luck

Hi Jimmie, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from the Boston area. Looking forward to seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

You aren't alone in this, so many others here with similar stories and situations.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Ditto, ditto, ditto. You've expressed what so many feel. Thanks.

You will be fine. It all works out.

Quote from: jimmie on January 12, 2016, 02:14:58 AM
We've had a couple weeks to let this soak in, and tonight she is telling her best friend about my disphoria.  I'm so nervous and scared.  When two people know, then 4 people know, then 8, and 16, eventually it makes it's way to those you never fathomed, like family, kids, business and drinking buddy's.  And that is why I need a family that understands.  Hello to you, my friends.  Looking forward...

That's how it went for me too. My wife and her best friend knew about it for a couple months before I told anybody else. Everybody needs someone to talk to about this that's not us, so keep that in mind. The way I told people was to make sure the next person always had some connection with someone that already knew and I let them know that the other person knew. In the case of my "drinking buddies", I told them all at once.

Thank you for welcoming me.  A quick update.  It has been about 2 months now since I've disclosed my gender dysphoria to my wife, she has told her friend, I've started seeing a therapist and that is all who know right now.  It was my wife's idea that in order to help me cope with my dysphoria, that I should go on a low dose of Estrogen, which I have now for about 6 weeks. 

My wife has been supportive, and she tries to understand, but can't.  I know there has to be some compromise and negotiations in order to have this work.  For the kids.  We have discussed postponing this 5-6 years, before I go full time for a year-trial, in order to see them through graduation.  But then she brought up weddings, and this discussion ended up being very emotional for us both.  It's these moments that I can't process.  A rush of emotions: acceptance of the inevitable, confusion, hope, anxiety, etc.  Ultimately, the fear of the unknown is torture.  For us both.  She recently told me that if it wasn't for the kids, that she would just let me go.  To pursue this and become what I feel like I need to... and once again-emotions.  She is my soul mate.  I have cried more in the last 2 months than I ever thought possible.  And my wife is in disbelief, shock, and ironically in awe because she wonders how I held this in for so long.  How do some of you going through this or have gone through this cope?

The medications have been working quickly.  I'm surprised how fast I feel and see things changing.  When I stopped the first medication, I didn't think it would pick up where it left off, but it is.  Emotionally I enjoy being on HRT, but it is also a source of anxiety.  It forces me to sort out the acceleration of the medication working and the trouble (Spanx) of no longer being able to hide from them.  Have any of you been in this situation, where you are happy to see results (approaching a C cup), but torn by the decisions that may need attention sooner than you thought?  I struggle with this, and wonder how I may be able to adjust and regulate things to buy some time.  I wonder If I'm not fully ready 100%, then I should I stop again, and wait.  Or do I just press on-full dose, and embrace the changes?

Sorry for the short absence, but thank you for being here.
J

Quote from: jimmie on February 29, 2016, 11:52:30 AM
Or do I just press on-full dose, and embrace the changes?

Well, there is a way to remain on full dose and keep the changes somewhat minimized so that you aren't forced into a decision before you are ready. 

That is to get your body fat into the athletic range through diet and a lot of exercise.  So, if you calculate it on a male scale that's around 10 to 12 percent and on a female scale around 15 to 20 percent.

The added benefit is that if you do it right you get really healthy at the same time.

I am working on that Deborah ;)  I need to lose about 25 Lbs to reach 140.  I'm 5'7".   And I'm working towards that.  But I think they would be even more obvious and protruding.  I'm wondering if there would be loss in breast tissue along with general weight loss, or would they stay the same size?

For me everything is getting smaller, except my legs.  I'm 5'10.5 and 168 lbs right now. 

Yes they do show but nobody has mentioned it yet.  Mine are smaller than C though.  They were around B but the last 10 lbs lost has moved them back towards A, so somewhere in between.


Sapere Aude

hi Jimmie,
  welcome to susans I'm new here too but there are such amazing people here with lots of experience to learn from and lean on. I wish you all the strength you need as you progress.

Sarah