Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, um hi there. My therapist recommended me this site to help me make connections and in hopes that it'll help me transition easier.

So, I'm Scarlet, or well, the name I like to go by, though my legal name is Zak. I'm 19 years old, and I'm MtF. I made it my new years resolution to come out and try to start transitioning. Here's how I came to this point:

I have never been comfortable around men due to my early years in life and how my grandmothers second husband treated me. I used to live in Kansas until I was 11. During that time in Kansas, I was never quite happy with myself, I was stressed, I felt like I didn't fit in, I just felt different from everyone else, and felt misunderstood. I mainly had female friends, and when I wanted to go spend time with them at their house or have them come over, I wasn't allow, and I didn't understand why. I couldn't make friends with guys because, I was unable to really find any interest in the things they liked. I was always very quiet and pretty shy. I preferred the company of imaginary friends, so at recess, I would play with the care bears, Link from the legend of zelda, mario, star fox, etc. It brought me comfort. At home, I would try and um, well, mess with my genitalia, hoping it would just go away. I didn't know why, I just knew that's what I wanted. My father caught me in the act one day, and gave me a talking to about what I was doing wrong. I was so embarrassed. I didn't do it again because I was afraid of being caught again. There was one time, where I was at a grandparents house. They had dress up clothes for girls (Mainly my sisters at the time). I put them on with my cousin, and I felt normal for a second. My family thought I was just being silly. I never got another chance because I wasn't allowed, that and I grew too big for the clothes.

I always got Jealous of my sisters because they could play inside all day, but I got forced outside, because I was a boy. I was okay with playing outside, but I never cared for it. I always had my hair buzz cut, and it annoyed me because I just wanted to grow my hair out. It just felt right to me, but at the time I didn't know why. When I moved down to Florida and started Middle School, I was in for a shock.  I was sheltered as a kid, went to a christian school, so I didn't know anything about dating, cursing, sex, etc. I had a culture shock. I struggled to adapt. I got bullied a lot because I was different, because I didn't understand. I remember getting bullied because I didn't know anything about cartoon network or nickalodian because I wasn't allowed to watch it. Then, one day in Math class, we had free time. Two girls walked up to me, and asked me "Do you like beating guys off?" I was taken back by this question. I didn't know what they meant, so I just shyly said, "I-I don't know, I-I guess? I don't know." And then they said, "You're a girl trapped in a mans body." The bell rung and I left school. I was shocked, time slowed down for me. I started questioning everything. That night I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a whole bunch of feelings were pouring from me. Everything felt like it clicked, but then I had another issue, I had no way to fix it, I didn't even know what it meant to be female trapped in a males body. From that point, I slowly got suicidal. I  would cry myself to sleep, wanting it all to end, but they I thought to myself, that there had to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I kept believing that, but I didn't know what I was fighting for, or why I was. I eventually found a way to repress my feelings. I stopped having suicidal thoughts, but I still wasn't happy. I tried to ignore any thoughts about  being the wrong gender, I tried to refuse it because I thought I could cope, I thought it would just go away. From that point it would come in waves. At one point, after I had learned to use the internet, I made a few online friends. I told them, and they...didn't take it well, so I went back into repressing it. At this point I was always making sure I wasn't found out, trying to blend in, but never feeling like I did. I always felt singled out in a crowd. When I was at my second high school, in my junior and senior year, I tried to socialize again. I would always get nervous, fearing that they would find out something about me I didn't want them to know. One of the friends I made, at one point told me they viewed me as a girl, because of how I acted, my personality around them. I was shocked but then, after warming up to them, I came out to them and they were pretty supportive. I was nervous, because I didn't know if they would tell anyone or not. Eventually I settled down, and became more comfortable. Around them I wasn't as depressed, but I still didn't feel right, I still felt that looming feeling I need to hiding, no one will accept me for who I am.

After High school, I well, repressed it again, unable to face it to accept myself. I eventually sunk into depression, unable to motivate myself to do anything, it was always looming in the back of my mind, no matter how much I pushed and pushed. I went and saw a therapist. around the 3rd session, I mentioned to her my gender issues. At the time I had a girlfriend, and so the therapist said, "You know you can't be with your girlfriend if you do that." I was sadden by this, and so I tried even harder to repress it. I felt okay for a time with my gender, though I would have spurts where I wasn't. I thought, that I needed to focus on sex then, hoping that maybe if I did that, I would be more comfortable being a man, because in my view, it seemed like men liked to focus a lot on sex and their penis size. I tried that, but it never helped. My girlfriend eventually broke up with me after two years (It was long distance) but we remained friends. So then last December I made up my mind for what I want this year....Then in the first week, my ex girlfriend asks if I liked only guys, and then said she was glad I didn't because it would have hurt her ego. She then told me that I should have told her sooner so she could have broken up with me sooner. My confidence was hit, I started doubting again. I came out to my mom, and she said that she had a phase where she wished she was a guy, but then said she wants me to be happy. More doubt filled my mind. I only had a few friends who truly supported me, and I was and still am scared to come out to my family because I fear they will reject me, and if they do, I have no where to go. I hung out with friends last week, and they referred to me as Scarlet the entire time. It was weird to me, I was happy, and nervous, but at the same time, I still had the thought in my head, "I'm still male." So it didn't feel completely right. Then this Monday I talked to a therapist, and she helped me get to this point again, and that's where the introduction all started.

Sorry about the wall of text, but that's a brief story of how I got here today. I know that right now in the present, I want to transition, align my body with my mind, and become female, but I have so many fears. My biggest, is starting hormone therapy and then chickening out. I also have fears about how dating will work because my track record isn't the best and well...I don't want to be rejected just because I'm trans. I also have fears like not being able to pass as a woman. One of the things I also question is my sexuality, because, I like women, but when I think about guys, I can't see myself guy on guy type stuff, but  I can see myself as a female with a guy. I know I also want surgery at some point, but I don't know if I'd want to go for it as soon as possible or wait until it's possible that like, I could have a baby since I've read that could be possible in the future. I also had a friend tell me to wait and try having sex as a man (Since I'm a virgin) and seeing if that helps change my mind, because to her, my life has always been fighting gender roles, and if I had not been, I wouldn't have questioned my gender.

Anyways, um, I think I've gone on long enough. It's nice to meet you all! I hope I can make a few friends here, and maybe even find some local friends on here.  :)

Hi Scarlet, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Thanks for sharing a little about yourself with us. Putting it all out there can be helpful, too. Grab a comfy chair and I'll be seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 13, 2016, 11:54:17 AM
Hi Scarlet, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Thanks for sharing a little about yourself with us. Putting it all out there can be helpful, too. Grab a comfy chair and I'll be seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Nice to meet you Devlyn, hope to see you around a lot too!

Hi Scarlet  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Hugs

V M

Quote from: V M on January 13, 2016, 01:44:36 PM
Hi Scarlet  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Hugs

V M

Thank you for the links V M. I will definitely take a look. It's nice to meet you :)

Hello Scarlet, and welcome :)


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Scarlet, welcome to Susan's. I know it can be hard when we first join, but know we are hear to help and that your among friends now that understand. Sounds like you have been through a lot. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Welcome to Susan's! I very much enjoyed reading the things you shared about yourself. You are such a strong young woman, I hope all goes well for you! <3 hope to see you around!
-hugs-
~ Liam

Hey Scarlet, welcome to the site and love the name :)

Quote from: Mariah2014 on January 13, 2016, 03:03:39 PM
Hi Scarlet, welcome to Susan's. I know it can be hard when we first join, but know we are hear to help and that your among friends now that understand. Sounds like you have been through a lot. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thank you Mariah! I hope to make many friends!  :) It's been a long journey to this point, but I know it's still a long journey ahead. *Hugs back*

Quote from: slyblue on January 13, 2016, 03:04:52 PM
Welcome to Susan's! I very much enjoyed reading the things you shared about yourself. You are such a strong young woman, I hope all goes well for you! <3 hope to see you around!
-hugs-
~ Liam

Hey Liam, I hope to be around a bit and make a few friends! It's good to have supportive friends so I look forward to future meetings! I hope we can be good friends  :)

I'd love to be friends with you! (: