Susan's Place Transgender Resources

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And taking it day by day is all any of us can do really.  I would hope we could reframe the discussion to looking at our lives in a dynamic state of constant change.  Just the aging process alone ensures we adapt and learn to love our wrinkles or any number of changes beyond our control.  You and I cannot control Ashley or her gender identity, let her work on that and congratulate yourself please for being courageous enough to shoot the bull here with us.  Even with your personal remarks on the screen we don't really know you or what you are capable of.   Rebuilding trust is essential and starts with clear communication.

I can imagine that you are feeling overwhelmed and it is important to consider taking time outs for a date or some kind of fun experience that you two can still share.  My partner lets me know if its too much trans talk and we have friends who are trans and Susan's for that.  With a partner we do not transition alone and while recognizing the impacts we might have on one another the real truth is that I am responsible for my own happiness.  You deserve to be treated right and you set that standard and set the example at the same time.  Please take good care of yourself and that precious feline.  They may have nine lives but you and I...?

good luck to both of you in being happy.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I missed your appearance in the SO section so I will post to this thread. We understand how hard this is for you and how much of a shock it was to you. I knew at age 13 what my life was going to be like so for years I avoided any emotional connection that would result in what you faced. We didn't plan it this way and many of us try very hard not to transition as at first, it's safer to stay with our birth gender. Over time, it wears down our defenses and at some point, we need to face reality and in your case, somebody gets hurt.

At the moment you are doing everything that can be ask of you. You are exploring what you are comfortable with and what you are not. You are willing to live with some change. I am hopeful that your husband can find a comfort zone where both of you can stay together. If you stay together, you will find that your husband becomes a better person to be around. When we get rid of the pain we lived with for so long, our joy in life becomes contagious.

My best wishes for you and if there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

Hi:)

I replied to your original thread. If you need to talk, I'm here for you.
I hope things go well and I wish you the best.
Look after yourself.
Marie :) X


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Hi BlindCourage  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hope all is well between you and MeganAshley

Hugs

V M

Quote from: BlindCourage on January 29, 2016, 06:37:34 PM
I am trying to look after me as best I can. At least I'm over being perpetually nauseous! I'm still barely eating, but it's all stayed down since Wednesday. Though, I've lost 6 lbs since last week - I'm happy about that.

I have to keep telling myself that some day I will smile and be happy again.

Good time to start a diet! lol we must laugh in these times at the smallest things:)
My heart goes out to you, I know how tough this is for the SO.
Do little things each day for you that you enjoy, just to keep your soul smiling inside.
Hugs


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I'm glad that she's able to see the reverse situation as to having a problem if you were the one who was transitioning. That's some progress.

Quote from: BlindCourage on January 29, 2016, 06:34:21 PM
Thank you for that. Yes, one of our topics of conversation yesterday was that we both have to be willing to compromise and he has been thinking that with my list of "not going there, not living with that" items, that I haven't been. We had a frank and some what brutal conversation about how much of this I have given in on and how far from my ideal this has gone in the a very short time. I prefer manly men. I like them strong, incredibly masculine, and I like to be manhandled to a point. I'm willing to live without that. I just, simply can't live with another woman all the time. Just. Can't. I couldn't even stand having a female roommate or living in a women's dorm. Good god no, too much estrogen in one place! And thankfully I only have 2 sisters to contend with and have never really lived under the same roof as either since I was a small child.

I underderstand where you are coming from but something for you to think about. As far back as I can remember, I have had a somewhat feminine personality that didn't change through the transition. People didn't really notice it because of the masculine exterior. Post transition, people who know me for a while and know of my transition remark that I am feminine.

It could be one of your attractions to him is due to the feminine side of his personality in a masculine body.

I'd hate to be the thorn in anyone's foot here, but I think the two of you should consider separation. It isn't easy (I've been there, too), but if the relationship isn't right, you two might drag each other down further. If I'm wrong, then maybe couples counseling will help instead. I will caution you that counseling only works if both parties are willing to listen. That's not to say that either of you won't (because I don't know you), but my past experiences have shown me how poorly that can go if that is the case.

Good luck and I hope something works out. In the end you and MeganAshley both need to be comfortable in whatever form that takes.

I hope that both you are able to find middle ground that you will both be happy with in time. A person's transition is rough on both people in a relationship regardless of the relationship starting before or after ones beings transitioning. I wasn't in a relationship coming into transition, but eventually I began one post transition. To this day he is still learning while at the same time we find middle ground between his needs and my needs. The fact is regardless of when the relationships started gaining that balance can be hard and it's a delicate balance at that. I wish nothing but the best for both you and MeganAshley. Hugs
Mariah

Agree all relationships involve compromise:)
It's just involves how much each person is willing to compromise by:)
Good luck, I'm thinking of you:)


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I have never heard of a relationship that doesn't include compromise. It's part of the package deal. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: BlindCourage on January 29, 2016, 10:26:21 PM
I hope so, too. I think we can eventually get there and I think he does, too.

When you think about it, what relationship doesn't involve compromise?

Hi BlindCourage, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm the resident Bostonian. I am a big fan of couples on the site.  :)  I hope you can use the forums as an extension of the communication that will be so necessary to find your solution. Good luck to both of you!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hey BlindCourage, I like your forum name.  :D

My wife had some early difficulties, but ultimately she's seen that expressing my gender variance makes me more pleasant to be around.  Many transgender people look at all of the options involved in medical intervention, and after some consideration, elect for none of it or just a little.

Early on... I had no idea what I was getting into.  I tried crossdressing and treated it like a fetish.  She tried to play along but it'd always end in tears.  And as a fetish, it was kind of a flop.  Despite the pain and low payout, I still wanted to dress feminine.  Well, at the time,  wanted to "dress as a woman" which I've come to view very differently than dressing feminine.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

One fateful day, she was upset about my crossdressing and asked me if I wanted to be a woman.  I hadn't really considered it, and all I could say was "would you love me if I was?"  Her reply was much like yours -- anger, feelings of betrayal; she said that she could never be attracted to a woman, that she was straight, and so on.  Actually, pretty understandable given the gravity of the situation.  It hurt me to the core, but it opened my eyes to the notion that I might actually be transgender.

The pain caused by her response was enough to put me back in the closet for a few months.  I didn't think I was transender, but I still found myself experiencing this weird body shame that I would come to identify as dysphoria.  I'd see a woman in a nice outfit, and wish it could ever fit me.  Whenever I'd share these thoughts and feeling with my wife, she'd panic about it all and yell at me, and I'd do my best to hide it again.

What she failed to realize at the time is that I was very slowly exploring the space between genders.  I would tell her about my feelings on a given day, and she'd interpret that as a promise for the future.  I didn't think I was trangender at first, and she took that as a promise.  I'd learn something new about myself, and my story would change.  She'd accuse me of lying to her, of betraying her... but in truth, I just hadn't really worked through everything and I couldn't tell her the absolute truth because I didn't know it.  Also, what I didn't know at the time is that I'm a person whose gender drifts around from day to day, and that was part of the reason that I kept changing my tune.

When we both started seeing gender-specialized therapists, our lives started to turn around.  My therapist helped me examine my feelings and desires... and taught me how to better talk about what I was going through.  Her therapist helped her talk through her anxieties and concerns, and taught her how to better listen to what I was saying about what I was going through.

I stopped trying to force my gender to fit the binary.  I tried "woman" on, and it didn't fit me any better than "man."  That lesson was hard to learn, but I eventually got there.  My wife has always been fairly open-mined in the bedroom, and she eventually came around on some female features.  She doesn't want me to lose that one male feature, but that's fine by me.  I'm on hormone therapy, and my life is way better as a result -- I'm experiencing a lot less dysphoria and I lost a life-long hair-trigger testosterone rage response.  My wife has come to enjoy some of the physical changes, too.

There's hope for your future.  It can take a lot of work, but it can get better.  My wife and I were in our very darkest hour about a year ago.  But we put the work in.  Today, we're closer than we've ever been.  We share a tenderness that I never could have expressed as a man -- not because men can't, but because I'd been bottling so many emotions for so long that I just couldn't open up.  We've been through hell together, and made it through to the other side.

Quote from: BlindCourage on January 29, 2016, 06:34:21 PM
Thank you for that. Yes, one of our topics of conversation yesterday was that we both have to be willing to compromise and he has been thinking that with my list of "not going there, not living with that" items, that I haven't been. We had a frank and some what brutal conversation about how much of this I have given in on and how far from my ideal this has gone in the a very short time. I prefer manly men. I like them strong, incredibly masculine, and I like to be manhandled to a point. I'm willing to live without that. I just, simply can't live with another woman all the time. Just. Can't. I couldn't even stand having a female roommate or living in a women's dorm. Good god no, too much estrogen in one place! And thankfully I only have 2 sisters to contend with and have never really lived under the same roof as either since I was a small child.

To flip it and make my point, I said that how would he react if next week I said I wanted to have GRS to transition to a male, would he still want to be married to, sleep with me and call himself my husband? Okay, that's the G-rated version of what I said, but I'm minding my manners and trying to be a good girl. He said he sees my point, that he wouldn't be able to accept that on that intimate of a level either. That's progress.

I do hope we can find that middle ground where we each get enough of what we need/want (in life, who really gets everything?) to stay together and make this work.

That seems a bit argumentative and unfair to me, and you're treating all of this situation like he has a choice to be himself. He had a choice when to tell you, and you have to choose whether you stay, and hopefully find a way to forgive his keeping this from you for so long.
There are a myriad of steps along the transition process, but focusing on any one particular surgery seems like y'all are missing the point.
If your husband is indeed trans, congratulations! We can be some of the most sensitive and empathetic people out there. If you wanted a manly man, I think it's interesting you picked and fell in love with your SO. I get that you feel lied to and betrayed in some ways, but his trans-ness isn't about you, and he is still the same person only he now feels safe enough or desperate enough to share this with you. Therapy is great, but I think couples counseling might help as well, there's no shame in airing out your dirty laundry with a professional.
If you want to have gender confirming surgeries and transition, those are choices you could make, but I doubt you'd be happy with the result if you're not trans and don't identify as male. Suggesting you might to prove your point irked me and I have no stake in your relationship.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: BlindCourage on January 31, 2016, 09:02:53 PM
You missed my point by a mile and then some. It's okay. Some understood it for what it was meant to convey, and most importantly one of those was my husband.

I would no more choose to switch my gender than I would choose to suffer from dysphoria.

As a matter of fact, my husband has always been quite manly in 90% of his mannerisms. That doesn't mean he doesn't suffer from this, it makes his different than yours just as yours is different from the next person. I'm not expecting him to be the exact same person once this is sorted out just as I won't be. What will hopefully happen is that each of us gets enough of our needs met to remain married because I gotta tell you, being married to your best friend is pretty nice on most days.

Sorry I just edited it to be a bit less inflammatory, I didn't intend that, but you were too quick to read it and respond :/


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: sparrow on January 31, 2016, 11:23:05 AM
Hey BlindCourage, I like your forum name.  :D

My wife had some early difficulties, but ultimately she's seen that expressing my gender variance makes me more pleasant to be around.  Many transgender people look at all of the options involved in medical intervention, and after some consideration, elect for none of it or just a little.

Early on... I had no idea what I was getting into.  I tried crossdressing and treated it like a fetish.  She tried to play along but it'd always end in tears.  And as a fetish, it was kind of a flop.  Despite the pain and low payout, I still wanted to dress feminine.  Well, at the time,  wanted to "dress as a woman" which I've come to view very differently than dressing feminine.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

One fateful day, she was upset about my crossdressing and asked me if I wanted to be a woman.  I hadn't really considered it, and all I could say was "would you love me if I was?"  Her reply was much like yours -- anger, feelings of betrayal; she said that she could never be attracted to a woman, that she was straight, and so on.  Actually, pretty understandable given the gravity of the situation.  It hurt me to the core, but it opened my eyes to the notion that I might actually be transgender.

The pain caused by her response was enough to put me back in the closet for a few months.  I didn't think I was transender, but I still found myself experiencing this weird body shame that I would come to identify as dysphoria.  I'd see a woman in a nice outfit, and wish it could ever fit me.  Whenever I'd share these thoughts and feeling with my wife, she'd panic about it all and yell at me, and I'd do my best to hide it again.

What she failed to realize at the time is that I was very slowly exploring the space between genders.  I would tell her about my feelings on a given day, and she'd interpret that as a promise for the future.  I didn't think I was trangender at first, and she took that as a promise.  I'd learn something new about myself, and my story would change.  She'd accuse me of lying to her, of betraying her... but in truth, I just hadn't really worked through everything and I couldn't tell her the absolute truth because I didn't know it.  Also, what I didn't know at the time is that I'm a person whose gender drifts around from day to day, and that was part of the reason that I kept changing my tune.

When we both started seeing gender-specialized therapists, our lives started to turn around.  My therapist helped me examine my feelings and desires... and taught me how to better talk about what I was going through.  Her therapist helped her talk through her anxieties and concerns, and taught her how to better listen to what I was saying about what I was going through.

I stopped trying to force my gender to fit the binary.  I tried "woman" on, and it didn't fit me any better than "man."  That lesson was hard to learn, but I eventually got there.  My wife has always been fairly open-mined in the bedroom, and she eventually came around on some female features.  She doesn't want me to lose that one male feature, but that's fine by me.  I'm on hormone therapy, and my life is way better as a result -- I'm experiencing a lot less dysphoria and I lost a life-long hair-trigger testosterone rage response.  My wife has come to enjoy some of the physical changes, too.

There's hope for your future.  It can take a lot of work, but it can get better.  My wife and I were in our very darkest hour about a year ago.  But we put the work in.  Today, we're closer than we've ever been.  We share a tenderness that I never could have expressed as a man -- not because men can't, but because I'd been bottling so many emotions for so long that I just couldn't open up.  We've been through hell together, and made it through to the other side.

Sparrow, your story feels a lot like what I am going through. Most of the time, I am content with who I am...but it is that other 20-25% of the time when I am absolutely 100% sure that everything about my body is just plain wrong.

It find it amusing that she describes me as a manly man...especially considering things like my affinity for shoes, giddy joy at lingerie, tendency to get emotional at chick flicks (not to mention that even as a comic book nerd, I find Pitch Perfect to be one of the best movies of the last 5 years...), my absolute and utter terror of spiders (and bugs in general), even in the bedroom, I tend to be a submissive female rather than a man-handle-y manly man.

Yeah...I am bald (male pattern so I shave my head) and I have a goatee and grow a beard now and then...I enjoy wookworking and motorcycles and home theater and audio...but aside from the hair thing (ugh I hate body hair), nothing that is considered strictly a "manly" diversion.

I never intended to mislead anyone. I never knew who or what I was. How can I tell you what I am when I haven't figured it out or come to grips with any of this myself? I am still finding after coming out to several people, that the absolute hardest person to come out to has been myself.
How can I tell you something I don't even know myself?
Yes, I held back. Because in the history of telling people what I thought might be going on, it never ended well regardless of how accepting they were.

You should look at it from the flip side...not that I was scared to tell you or that I hid something from you...but that I am in a relationship that I finally feel secure and safe enough in to share the absolute scariest thing in my life with you.

Anyway, my elbow is now cramping from iPad typing and I should be getting up and logging into work...so...yeah...
Have a great day!

*hugs*

(Btw, the avatar is indeed an homage to you as well as the self image I have of Meaghan Ashleigh...a fiesty but pretty ginger who wears those cute pin up dresses that you won't! ;) )

Also, much like Sparrow, I have this unexplained hair rage trigger that I just can't explain. The stupidest little things set me off for absolutely no reason. Never towards a person but towards stupid little things.
I always feel like my hormones and emotions are always in a flux state that I can rarely control and that bothers me a lot. I just want to be balanced and stable and happy and comfortable in my own skin. And I don't and I am not and I want to be.
Case in point, I just got ragey at my iPad for being an iPad.

One thing is clear, you both love each other to pieces:)
I'm sure with compromise, this can work out.
I wish you both the best of luck:)
Marie X


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Now, that's an interesting twist.  Both members of a couple responding to third party, in the same thread.  Past experience living with married couples tells me that I'm about to get dragged into the middle of a fight.  Well, I don't live with y'all, so let's do this.

I'd like both of you to spend some time with this:

Quote from: MeganAshleyYou should look at it from the flip side...not that I was scared to tell you or that I hid something from you...but that I am in a relationship that I finally feel secure and safe enough in to share the absolute scariest thing in my life with you.

Megan: your use of the word "should" is troubling -- you're telling her what to do.  And it sounds like she's already got her heels planted.  You might make more progress if you use more passive, or self-directed language.  "I would like you to look at it from the flip side," or "I have a different perspective that I'd like you to consider," or something along those lines.

BlindCourage: for a person who has spent the majority of their life identifying as a man, this is unimaginably scary.  What I have seen from you is very reactionary.  When one shares a deep and scary truth, and their most trusted loved one responds with fear and anger, it all goes from bad to worse.  Do you see how scary this is for your spouse?  Like I said... we didn't start making progress 'tiil we were both in individual therapy... and part of that is providing space for my wife to vent her fear and anger and frustration to somebody who isn't me.  That's important, because my gender has ceased to be a source of fights.

Both of you: Megan needs a safe space to express and explore her gender.  For now, that means doing things away from BlindCourage -- when she's out of the house, or at a friend's house, at a local lgbt meetup group, or anything.   That'll give Megan a better idea of what this all means for her life.

Both of you might want to look for alternatives... but have low expectations of how well the other person will receive these suggestions.  We're talking compromise here.  Perhaps she can live as Megan 20% of the time.  Maybe just weekends.  Maybe an evening a week.  I personally can't manage that kind of compartmentalization, but I've heard success stories along these lines.  Maybe rather than living as a woman, she can simply work more feminine bits into her daily outfits.  I have a friend who identifies as male but wears heels, skintight jeans, etc.  And he looks damned good.

Oh, since you like hearing stories from other couples: http://www.unordinarystyle.com/