Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know I can't post in the significant other forum, so posting here. For those that came out, in a marriage and you had kids. What made you come out? How did you deal with your wifes anger and hurt? How long did it take before she came around to be able to talk with you?

For reference, I'm married to someone I love but who is very demanding that I remain her husband. I tried coming out (for a year now) and each time I have been given an ultimatum to be a man or her life is ruined and it is over. At the same time my wife sometimes gives hints that she loves me and "I'm her person". To me these hints are a trap to see if I'm still secretly transgender, so I'm very leary of responding or softening when she does this.  Right now I'm trying to navigate the tangled web of love for my family, wife, and my desire to go full time HRT, and do FFS and SRS (which I want all of this). I'm also close to 50 years old, so this is a challenge for me. Do I just ride my life out, and forget these thoughts (or bury them deep back down), or do I divorce her, or do I come out and then burn my closet so I can't go back.

What were your experiences? what happened? and where are you now?

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 02, 2016, 10:39:26 AM
I know I can't post in the significant other forum, so posting here. For those that came out, in a marriage and you had kids. What made you come out? How did you deal with your wifes anger and hurt? How long did it take before she came around to be able to talk with you?

For reference, I'm married to someone I love but who is very demanding that I remain her husband. I tried coming out (for a year now) and each time I have been given an ultimatum to be a man or her life is ruined and it is over. At the same time my wife sometimes gives hints that she loves me and "I'm her person". To me these hints are a trap to see if I'm still secretly transgender, so I'm very leary of responding or softening when she does this.  Right now I'm trying to navigate the tangled web of love for my family, wife, and my desire to go full time HRT, and do FFS and SRS (which I want all of this). I'm also close to 50 years old, so this is a challenge for me. Do I just ride my life out, and forget these thoughts (or bury them deep back down), or do I divorce her, or do I come out and then burn my closet so I can't go back.

What were your experiences? what happened? and where are you now?

That why you need to talk to some one for advice like local support group or your counseling. My married was over 10 year ago, so I don't have to worry about it.

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Only you can make the choice, hopefully with therapy and support. My wife always saw me a feminine male and we somewhat embraced it. Still, coming out to her as wanting to transition was hard. Our children always knew me as dad. Perhaps a somewhat different dad then most, but dad nonetheless.

There have been ups and downs, we have lost friends and gained friends, we disagree on some of the fundamentals but i believe the turning point for us was an effort to focus on what we agreed on, and where our love and respect for each came from. When we did that we found out that it had little to do with gender and more to do with our friendship, or intimate understanding of one another and our lives that have been invested in one another. Then we both looked at the alternative and the drama of having to separate and plot new lives without one another in close connection, and that alternative did not look good.

You can't change someone's attitude by force. You can be as loving to them as possible, compromise and lovingly state your case. At some point you need to take some measures for yourself and encourage them to be along for that journey.

Hello Megan,

I am 58 years old and married 25+ years. About 7 months ago I told my wife I was a women inside. It was the hardest honest opening couple of words of my life to tell my wife but, after that I was on cloud 9. What is funny the first words out of her mouth was this what you missed "you don't have to go through puberty with a period and fear getting pregnant " Then she proceeded to tell me she was wondering if I was seeing a girl on side because I was obsessed with my computer trolling medicating my empty soul. Then it came to me after 58 years of denial I am a women this is not going to change no matter what I decide to do. Even my wife said this is not a choice. By the way my any trolling or problems with the computer I use to have are completely gone and I am sooooooo happy. My wife saw the transformation when I owned my inner women and I not stopped I am now on HRT loving it. My concern for you is you wash away who you are it is what it is period!!! My wife fortunately well acquainted with the LBGT community before I admitted my true self. For what ever reason some people think it is a choice. My wife is experiencing ambiguous grief she is losing my old male persona for a women but, that being said she is excited about being able to do women activities with me. We are both altheltic and we will join a sport team together the possibilities are endless yaaaaaaa. My advice is give it some time and educate her on the positives and what this means to you. She will very concerned about what others think period because she is linked to you. Maybe talk about how to ease into the community as transgender respecting her fears. Believe me I brake somethings to accommodate my wife wishes but, it is a two way street. This is a path of no return and difficult at times but, you are worth it!! Love youself lady if nothing else.

Love and Kisses,
Michelle

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 02, 2016, 12:12:34 PM
I am talking with a psychologist and they have diagnosed me as truly transgender. They tell me to explore the space and give this time. Time is something I feel I don't have. And what is roadblocking me is this very difficult situation with my marriage (with kids). So... I'm looking for stories of how marriages/partnerships (with kids) did it both MTF and FTM, as such a late age.

Right now I have not begin my transition yet, hopefully other with experience can help you. good luck Megan

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Megan,

It sounds like this is going to hurt you no matter what you do. It is like being a rock and hard place. Option 1 denial of who you are. Hoping she will change with time the waiting game. Who you are will never go away. Option 2 Divorce  Option 3 Third party she trust and you trust iron this out Option 4 anything else not thought of. All the options have pain in them so which one is going to be in the long run the happiest for you. Here is what won't change is your women inside so how you match a solution to that up is up to you. It like having been born super tall wishing you were short that equation ain't going to change. At some point the wife is going to have to see the light and same can be said of children too. It will take time for them to accept you as a women in some cases never but, that can be said about anything. My dad was caught cheating with a women on my mother when I was a teen this was ultimately more damaging to me in a long term respect of my dad than if I found out he was she. Most of what I have have heard is people eventually come around but, unfortunately it too big of a step to make for some especially those who are steaped in societal myths about gender such as traditional types of people. There is very good book about your situation by Helen Boyd   'She's Not the Man I Married: My Life With A Transgender Husband'

Much Love,
Michelle

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 02, 2016, 10:39:26 AM
I know I can't post in the significant other forum, so posting here. For those that came out, in a marriage and you had kids. What made you come out? How did you deal with your wifes anger and hurt? How long did it take before she came around to be able to talk with you?

For reference, I'm married to someone I love but who is very demanding that I remain her husband. I tried coming out (for a year now) and each time I have been given an ultimatum to be a man or her life is ruined and it is over. At the same time my wife sometimes gives hints that she loves me and "I'm her person". To me these hints are a trap to see if I'm still secretly transgender, so I'm very leary of responding or softening when she does this.  Right now I'm trying to navigate the tangled web of love for my family, wife, and my desire to go full time HRT, and do FFS and SRS (which I want all of this). I'm also close to 50 years old, so this is a challenge for me. Do I just ride my life out, and forget these thoughts (or bury them deep back down), or do I divorce her, or do I come out and then burn my closet so I can't go back.

What were your experiences? what happened? and where are you now?

I came out because she was my soulmate and I didn't want to hide anything from her.

I soon realized I needed to transition and be a woman. It destroyed our marriage, but not our friendship. We're good friends now.

I have decent relationships with both my kids (ages 15 and 17 when I came out, now 18 and 20). They both accept me as a woman.

You have no control over what your wife does. You only have control over what you do. That's the ugly truth of coming out and transitioning as part of a couple.

Some things to consider:
* You will only get one life. Do you really want to live the rest of it trying to pretend to be someone else?
* Dysphoria typically gets worse.
* Are you really giving your life the best you have by living a lie?
* You are not responsible for your wife's anger. She is. Your responsibilities is to be honest and open about what is going on with you, to make a decision on how you want to live, and to treat your family with kindness and consideration. You NOT required to keep your wife calm. IMO, you're also not required to live as someone else. That's too much to ask of anyone.

I hope this helps.

Hey M&M,

I am a fortunate trans woman in that my partner has been a major support for me and knew early on about my trans inclinations.  She still had/has to deal with the loss of her husband and that grieving process.

What we experienced was my unrelenting, progressive and finally debilitating dysphoria.  i intended to die with my shameful secret and had become very depressed about my personal life while still maintaining the external trappings of material success.  Nothing can replace the truth.  To be respected for our life while living a lie became intolerable for me.

I had all kinds of reasons established in my head for why I could never transition and they were all wrong.  I am transitioning and we are still together.  You can do it too.  This doesn't go away or get better in isolation, that is one take home message i learned.

I was engaged to someone with kids when I came out. What did it was a daily struggle between being me and being with her, which was causing me to be so withdrawn that she thought I was in love with someone else. I ultimately decided that I could probably go the rest of my life without a transition just to be with her, but what would happen if she were gone and I suddenly found myself 60 years old, alone, and still in need of a transition? So I went ahead and told her.

She had dropped a lot of hints that she needed a man's man, so I was certain that this would end the relationship and my best case scenario was to keep her as a friend. To my surprise she was instantly accepting. That's not to say there haven't been any issues, but we talk about them and work them out. If it wasn't for her support, I'd still be considering the idea of HRT right now. As it turns out, I've been fulltime for a few months and on HRT for several more, much faster than I expected. Her, her friends, and her family built up a confidence in me that I never had before.

The biggest challenge has been the kids. The older ones don't address me directly anymore because they're still weirded out by it. The youngest took a couple months to come around with calling me the correct name, but she still has to get corrected on pronouns a lot. She also has a lot of questions that she never seems to feel comfortable asking in private. She asked me why I changed my name from deadname to newname while in a crowded restaurant. At another crowded restaurant, she asked me which bathroom I use. Another time she yelled across our apartment complex that I wasn't technically a girl yet, with lots of neighbors outside. She also still refuses to call me anything but her step-father when talking to other people.

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 02, 2016, 02:11:11 PM
I feel like I'm 8 again and I'm standing at the edge of the high dive, yet I'm frozen. I can't get myself to jump, though I know I need to and once I do it I will be excited and happy and want more.

someone push me .

I have a D license in skydiving and not one of those jumps even compared to the fear I had about having to admit to people that I was trans.

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 02, 2016, 02:11:11 PM
someone push me .

Every minute you wait, is a minute living an inauthentic life.

Minutes are precious. When you run out of them, you can't go to the store for more.

Please don't waste any more than you have to.

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 02, 2016, 02:11:11 PM
Thank you all for the shares

I feel like I'm 8 again and I'm standing at the edge of the high dive, yet I'm frozen. I can't get myself to jump, though I know I need to and once I do it I will be excited and happy and want more.

someone push me .

Your Alternative is to live with the constant anguish and pure emotional hell that goes with being trans...I have not as yet found a viable alternative to transition. Consider where you will be in 2 years, in 5 years....if you don't do something about how you feel?  I am 52 and when I came out to my wife for the second time I did not know what to expect but by this stage I could not live with it any longer and I desperately needed help...I am possibly the happiest I have ever been in my entire life and I am only just starting...what I have now that I never had before is hope! Living an honest life is just so dam refreshing...I no longer have to pretend to be anything...that is very liberating in itself.

Elizabeth K

You "Came Out" to her already and learned just how she feels about it drawing the line at any sort transition. By most indications you've given over time it seems unlikely, given her hostility factor, that there is likely no "coming around". She wants nothing to do with it and nothing to do with you if forge on and perhaps do some sort of transition.

My wife, BFF, and Reality Therapist of almost 40 years was far from thrilled when I dropped the T-Bomb. She felt betrayed, lied to, saw the end of our marriage as she knew it. Gone in a flash all our hopes, wishes, and dreams for the future. And this was a woman that knew I had gender issues from day 1 and saw me cross dressed.

Some 7 years later I still get the occasional "I did not marry a woman". I still live and present primarily as male, though we both know where my true joy lies. She has made compromises. I made compromises. We both work at trying to understand and even empathize with the other, for the "Us".

If when our circumstances change and I can go back to some form of part-time, perhaps eventually full-time living as female will she still there in my life?  She worries a lot more about me not being in hers as I grow and learn more and more what it is like to be me.

Over these past 7 years she has seen many changes take place. Some physical, many more emotional and spiritual. Many to most of the changes she is glad to see happen. She is not as thrilled about the boobs. But we both know it is a big part of what is keeping me alive. 

Has she "Come Around"? I'd have to say yes. But only thanks to the steps I undertook. Her seeing positive changes in me, in The Us. It also took a lot of hard open and honest discussions. As well as a few gallons of tears. It takes work by both parties. If they both see it worth the effort.

If two people have a partnership for years and years, and they are in love, I don't get not having a little compassion for your partner when they face trauma of some type. She should, after a little adjustment time, support the PERSON she married even if the end result is you not staying together. You should be supportive, helping her through her life being turned upside down. I told my wife very early, at least as I understood it then. For years I said I didn't know if things would end with me having to change my body.  My kids are in their 20's and are good with me transitioning. I don't know if my experience would help you at all because it depends on the individual personalities involved. My wife and I will stay together. She is amazing. Neither of us know exactly what the relationship will look like. The only thing I know is you can't be happy in any relationship if you can't stand yourself. Denying being transgender to keep a relationship is a horrible idea. You guys have to decide what things each of you cannot tolerate. If you can't find a middle ground it might be time to move on. Counseling can help.( A very specific suggestion-don't lie to her or to yourself. Be up front with everything.)
Moni

Well I'm a similar age to you ,47 and was married for 20 years with 3 kids when I came out.  You probably noticed the 'WAS married' bit lol. I'm afraid my wife ended things the very same day.  The thing is, it didn't take me long to see that to my wife I was just the label 'husband', maybe a couple other labels too like, provider, father etc.  But only labels. 
She simply didn't see me as a person.  So of course when I no longer fit the labels, game over.
I do still feel a little envious sometimes of people who's partners still love and support them, but hey ho, I'm doing fine and my kids DO still love and support me :)

The way I choose to look at it is this, if something breaks so easily, then it wasn't worth keeping anyway.  And a year on I can even look back and think 'No matter how tough things get sometimes, at least I'm not where I was, living a lie in a marriage that was essentially worthless'

Not sure if any of that ramble helps lol, but you did ask for stories and that's mine :)

I told my wife that I was a transvestite before we got married that was the label I knew at the time and she was fine with that,11yrs into our marriage Cheryl who I kept hidden in the closet wanted out so bad I almost trashed my marriage so badly so to have an excuse for divorce. My wife couldn't really accept what I had done and for 3 days we talked without sleep til I finally told her the truth and how bad it was hiding, that 3rd day was a game changer for she burnt the closet down So Cheryl was free to roam around but with boundries we both agreed too,my son knows and is transgender also. So here I am 17yrs later still married, but I noticed as I hit 50 Cheryl wants more playtime so I hit the boundary wall a lot, but hrt is still off the table for both of us, for I know what estrogen will do to me it would finish the puberty which stalled on me 34yrs ago my body craves it that's why I have real bad mood swings. But I also like being Terry that's why I stay where I'm at,Terry can be alpha,Cheryl is alpha also and can be one mean woman I seen it firsthand and it scared me almost killed my sister's ex boyfriend who would not leave Terry alone. I'm a very complex person.

It really sounds as if, in your case, your wife may be emotionally abusive (and I don't use that label lightly). Unfortunately, her flat unwillingness to compromise is going to limit your options, but you knew that. :(

I told my wife more or less as soon as I figured it out myself, so while she was terrified and traumatized and had a bunch of other unpleasant feelings, at least she wasn't angry. I think she started talking right away, but she loves to talk things out in general. Heh. We talked endlessly about everything, and although she was frequently miserable during the year that I transitioned, she stuck it out because she figured things would get better - we BOTH hoped that was true. Luckily for us, it was, and 6+ years later we're still happily married and (romantically involved). But it helped that she was bisexual and preferred women to start with.

Now, though, I feel horribly guilty that she just lost her job and being married to a woman might make it harder for her to get a new one...

I told my wife in 2013 after 21 years of marriage and the transition that followed was a slow thing.  I only went full time Fall 2015.  We have two kids but they are at college age. 

A big benefit of going slow was not just to help my spouse get used to it but to also let her start to bond with the new me.  We started doing more things together that we never did before and while we were good friends before we became even closer, as friends. 

So long story short, we are still married but I'd be lying if I said that it was smooth going or that we were totally out of the woods.  While I wasn't a bad person before, I became a much nicer person.  Hormones were a massive help in smoothing out my T induced rougher edges.

So if I were to recommend a path that might keep your marriage going it would be to go slow.  Don't rush the switch.  Things like hair removal take a while anyhow.  Also, be a better you then you were before.  That helps your loved once accept you more easily. 

I'm still not convinced that we'll make it but we at least have a good chance.  Feel free to PM me if you need/want to talk about this with somebody in a like situation.

Quote from: mickey.megan on February 18, 2016, 02:50:19 PM
Thanks for sharing, I am realizing with the help of my counselor that divorce is likely my only option. "There are no good choices" is how she says it when I'm weighing my situation in our sessions.

on the one hand I stay with wife as a man, semi happy and grow old not being the real me, keeping people at a distance with my walls up and be fake, but have a family, a career.  Or come out as the real me and be authentic, but at the cost of my marriage and cost of dealing with society and cost of what it would take to change my body to fit my mind. Finally, there is the slightest,  tiniest possibility that my wife would come around, but I doubt it, she has made it pretty clear that she can't do it if I am, or were to come out.  So there it is.

Tough choice and not a nice position to be in...I guess the question I would have for you is this

can you live "as a man, semi happy and grow old not being the real me, keeping people at a distance with my walls up and be fake, but have a family, a career." without


Harming Your Partner
Harming Your relationships
Harming Your work future (possibly due to stress of the situation)
and finally
Harming yourself?

You only get one go around in this life but you have to make the decision that is right for you. I spent 45+ years pleasing those around me and not wanting to "upset" the status quo, but then it got to the point where, I just couldn't do it any longer...do you think you may reach that point? I am not advocating for you to do anything other than what is right for you, but in order to do this, you have to consider yourself in this and how you will manage for the rest of your life.

Good luck with whatever you decide but I implore you don't ignore your needs and what bought you to this point.

Elizabeth K

Quote from: CrysC on February 18, 2016, 12:03:42 AM
I told my wife in 2013 after 21 years of marriage and the transition that followed was a slow thing.  I only went full time Fall 2015.  We have two kids but they are at college age. 

A big benefit of going slow was not just to help my spouse get used to it but to also let her start to bond with the new me.  We started doing more things together that we never did before and while we were good friends before we became even closer, as friends. 

So long story short, we are still married but I'd be lying if I said that it was smooth going or that we were totally out of the woods.  While I wasn't a bad person before, I became a much nicer person.  Hormones were a massive help in smoothing out my T induced rougher edges.

So if I were to recommend a path that might keep your marriage going it would be to go slow.  Don't rush the switch.  Things like hair removal take a while anyhow.  Also, be a better you then you were before.  That helps your loved once accept you more easily. 

I'm still not convinced that we'll make it but we at least have a good chance.  Feel free to PM me if you need/want to talk about this with somebody in a like situation.

I really like this and in many ways this what I have done within our relationship. I've gone slow and in that process, my wife and i have had the time to get to know one another again. We have discovered elements of ourselves and our relationship that we did not know existed.

Marriages never, ever stay static. People change. Age changes us, life experiences, wins and losses. Part of it is also a negotiation.

I don't own any male clothes anymore for instance, but i don't go ultra-femme in front of my wife either, because i know she is more attracted to the older more androgynous me. She has to deal with my significantly changed body and sex drive already. I must be able to help her and still help myself. Daily i wear jeans and tops and boots or sandals, not overly girly but certainly not masculine. I wear a womens nightshirt to bed.
My hair is feminine but not super long. I wear light makeup. Maybe not 100% the style i would choose but you learn what works for her as well as you and that makes it easier.

Quote from: ElizabethK on February 18, 2016, 04:40:23 PM
Tough choice and not a nice position to be in...I guess the question I would have for you is this

can you live "as a man, semi happy and grow old not being the real me, keeping people at a distance with my walls up and be fake, but have a family, a career." without
Harming Your Partner
Harming Your relationships
Harming Your work future (possibly due to stress of the situation)
and finally
Harming yourself?

I tried for the better portion of my adult life to "live as a man, semi happy and grow old not being the real me, keeping people at a distance with my walls up and be fake, but have a family, a career.". In answer to your questions:
No
Yes
Yes
Debatable - Emotionally harming (crippling) for sure.