Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Today is a day from hell for me I am sort of told my mom ex what I really think of her and what a selfish person she is. My child visited me this weekend and I dressed as female and we went to the mall she kept calling me papa and everyone was staring but I held my head high and just carried on. My wife want to divorce me because she is transphobic well you are going to sit with this B the rest of your natural life because I am super natural! This is not the best moment I went to drop of my child and when I got in the car I decided I am going to get out and ask her how do I look she throwed me a zap and I told her love you two and replied with two but at that moment I felt I don't want to be with this woman anymore I only need myself and this is who I am not what she wanted I was free from her.

Gone is the desire of a marriage she must go and get someone else and make his life hell.

Yay! Keep that wonderful attitude!

Sent from my SHIELD Tablet using Tapatalk

Congrats!

Also keep in mind it is possible to love someone, not be "in love" with them, and especially not be even 1% compatible as a couple. Which is why I advised getting out/away before love turned to hate

It sounds like you've turned the corner on the badness of all that's been going on.  I'm very happy to hear that. :-)


Sapere Aude

I am glad you reframed the situation and are seeing the better side of it. Keep up the good work. Congratulations.

Congratulations!  :)

I don't know what got into me today or why I turned B. I was a proper B and I really told her that over my dead body will I give up my freedom or who I am for her again! She is not worth it! I really lashed out on her and I feel bad about some of the things I said but it is done and I got it of my shoulders.

Good for you!

good for you girl ! onward to a fabulous life !

Hi - Progress, yea.  It won't be a one time thing either.  Good for you.


Rachel

Glad to hear you have come so far!

Today I woke up and I feel like ->-bleeped-<-.  :'( I feel that I am a bad parent for rejecting to save my marriage anymore and putting myself above her and what she needs. I believe that children needs a home where both parent's are in the same house I wanted that when I was a child I know how it feels. I feel like I am a failure than my wife is like I am giving her the best I can with divorcing you. Well her problem is she can't be with a transgender person even if I drop all the trans stuff and stay a man this is not enough for her so is she putting herself first or her child? She believes that her happiness equates to a happy child I don't know how stupid I am because that did not work for me with my parent's she is raising my child I was not allowed to be a parent and my child has already got behaviour issues.

Now in this whole story and where it ends up is with me as a trans woman and I am falling in love with a girl that is a lesbeen she is really beautiful and sweet and she respects me. We are only friends now but I can see we got a connection of sorts. Then you turn around and ask how is a broken up home better than a single one? Where her mom and trans mom have kids with someone else and she is the odd ball between the bunch not really belonging to one but both households. Where is base camp?

My wife is setting the prefect example of selfishness and I said I am following the perfect example now with putting myself above all else even my own child. But I am really struggling to have her attitude of I am more important than everyone else and believing that you can force a child to be happy if you are happy.

Amore, I got divorced from my ex wife almost 20 years ago (1998) after she cheated on me and left me for the other man.  (This was when I still thought of myself as a man and was in denial about being trans).  I had a son and two stepdaughters in that marriage.  For the next 11 years I had shared custody on my son, and saw my former stepdaughters occasionally.

Here is how things turned out:  The oldest is now a lawyer.  The middle child is now a landscape architect.  The youngest, is in his final year of law school. 

You do not have to stay married to be a good parent.  Getting divorced and being divorced has nothing to do with parenting.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on February 08, 2016, 12:27:17 AM
Amore, I got divorced from my ex wife almost 20 years ago (1998) after she cheated on me and left me for the other man.  (This was when I still thought of myself as a man and was in denial about being trans).  I had a son and two stepdaughters in that marriage.  For the next 11 years I had shared custody on my son, and saw my former stepdaughters occasionally.

Here is how things turned out:  The oldest is now a lawyer.  The middle child is now a landscape architect.  The youngest, is in his final year of law school. 

You do not have to stay married to be a good parent.  Getting divorced and being divorced has nothing to do with parenting.

You have a point hun it just feels if I am failing

Being the best you, whole in mind and body is the only way you can be a good parent. You could not be a good parent as a man because you were suffering, you could continue to not let yourself be a good parent or you could let all this guilt and self blame go so you can be a good parent. The marriage was not healthy and in turn unhealthy for your daughter, you were unhealthy and in turn unhealthy for your daughter, if you continue like this then you will continue to be unhealthy for your daughter. Or you can wake up and realize that it was for the best and concentrate on becoming healthy both mind and body so you can be a good parent to your daughter. The only negative outcome for your daughter will be you and you will only have yourself to blame if you dont work on turning it around.

sorry if this comes off harsh, I myself have been struggling with my kids over the past couple weeks but it was this realization that allowed me to own it and I already see improvements in my relationship with my kids the past two days.

I also found it helpful to be honest with myself on areas that I could have been a better parent over the years but was not due to my internalized transphobia, it made me feel bad to do so but gave me hope  and confidence that I am making the right choice for my children.

Quote from: Mavis on February 08, 2016, 02:21:01 AM
Being the best you, whole in mind and body is the only way you can be a good parent. You could not be a good parent as a man because you were suffering, you could continue to not let yourself be a good parent or you could let all this guilt and self blame go so you can be a good parent. The marriage was not healthy and in turn unhealthy for your daughter, you were unhealthy and in turn unhealthy for your daughter, if you continue like this then you will continue to be unhealthy for your daughter. Or you can wake up and realize that it was for the best and concentrate on becoming healthy both mind and body so you can be a good parent to your daughter. The only negative outcome for your daughter will be you and you will only have yourself to blame if you dont work on turning it around.

sorry if this comes off harsh, I myself have been struggling with my kids over the past couple weeks but it was this realization that allowed me to own it and I already see improvements in my relationship with my kids the past two days.

Thank you Mavis I am in such an emotional state today and suicide is running around in my head. It is playing ping pong just waiting to score! My marriage was unhealthy in the end. I will have to admit the reality of that! But the main problem is losing the person you loved the most on this earth! Feeling that you cannot continue life without her and once you get to a point like yesterday realising everything is actually happening and you can do nothing about it except get dragged along by your feet cripples you as a person. Seeing that the person you love the most in this world is going to be your ex and move on to love someone else! When do the point come when the pain you carry is overwhelming.

I could not look at myself in the mirror this morning I feel that I hate myself I felt like I was making a statement yesterday and today I fell harder than ever before.  :-\ I am an emotional mess.

Unfortunately, I do not have any wise words for you there, while I have got passed what is best for my children, I struggle with the possible outcome of losing my wife. I too will have a hard time being in a better place if that is the end result. All I can say is it is like being ripped in two directions, it is two needs so great that it is capable of destroying a person. All you can do is try to be strong, accept what is and try to move along.

Well to be honest I don't know who I am outside my marriage anymore. Me and my wife met and was together from that she was 16 and 18. My whole being was entwined in this marriage. The person that I thought I was and now I am lost! That person is lost and I have to rediscover who I am. Not only do I have to work through hard and harsh feelings of losing my marriage. I also have to find the real me.

I can't force someone to be with me because I fear of losing the person that used to be. I made sort of progress today in all my hurt. I am no longer held in walls of a marriage. But now I have to discover who I am and learn to love and fall in love with that person. What do I want? I must ask myself who am I without her.

I don't know I know I identify as a woman because I am trans and I am a parent but the rest I don't know!

Somewhere I must start healing and this is not by telling her that she is a piece of crap for what she did. That is not me that is anger! That is hate speaking but deep down love.

As I was sitting here today crying grieving and missing my past the best that I can take away from it is acknowledging that it was real I can't dismiss that. But also taking a opportunity to learn from love. To learn that my relationship was build on a weak foundation from the beginning and I went into a marriage hoping that love will conquer all that it will cure me. I don't regret my marriage I don't regret my popsicle this may be my only biological child.

I must face that I am getting divorced it is not a bad dream this is happening a person rejected me because I dared to be trans.

So what can I do except allow myself to hurt allow myself to cry because that is when you truly let go of hate in the end and move on eventually even if it takes longer than the route my wife is taking. Put on the tuff guy act and I don't cry is that really moving on? Then you end up lashing out with hate at the end and taking that anger into your next relationship because you tried to skip the grieving process. She calls me weak I think it is necessary.

I end up lashing out and being destructive like yesterday because of anger and hate. The first step I guess will be letting go of hopes and dreams that I had with this person my hopes and dreams of having a wonderful marriage that was amazing so amazing that it will cure me of dysphoria and that I longed to be a woman. That is not realistic! but it was one of my dreams. Growing old with a person and only having one love in my life and slept with one person in my life. Then having children with this person and not putting them through divorce. I must let go of all this hopes and dreams. It hurts but if I don't I can't move on and will always be held prisoner in them.

If I can't let go of those hopes and dreams I won't be able to let go of her and the anger.

Then I have to let go of never holding her again the idea of her having sex with other people having someone else while my dreams and her's was one person one life forever together. Now I have to move on and find someone else that don't even know what my favourite movie is.

Not only am I grieving the loss of the marriage I am grieving the loss of my male self that was part of the marriage. I am trying to let go but that takes time and it is hard. The liberating moment was really knowing that I have to move on. That this is the best for me because staying with someone who is filled with resentment and hate because you want to be a good parent it does not work. I was trying to force her to stay.

Her hate is driving her now I know she is hurting but putting on the tuff guy act and I want too show you how much better my life is without you by partying and things. But that is only a mask one day she will wake up when the excitement of her new found freedom wore of and she will cry. She will feel it because now the grass looks greener on the other side all men looks better and I do not represent the whole population of men.

What I represented was a good husband I never drank, I don't smoke, I never came home late,I never was in a club in my life! I don't do drugs.I sometimes neglected my duties like cleaning or whatever but that does not make me a bad husband. I cooked and did the dishes most of the time. I was what she wanted me to be! She also fell in love with my potential what I could achieve in life and I achieved a lot and lost a lot.

My only flaw was that I was trans but the attributes of my personality that she liked was my female attributes.

She told me she did not sign up to marry a trans person. But at the end she was one of the persons that forced me to be trans the more I tried to shake it of and forget about it the more it was pushed on me. I eventually broke I did not want to be trans and especially not divorce because I am trans.

I want to know what I really did to end my marriage because I am blamed for the destruction of it. I don't want to take that into my next relationship. Well I was emotionally abusive according to her to get what I wanted. If that is a real problem how can wanting to buy something with my own money be emotional abuse? Then according to I can't take responsibility for my actions because I chose to be trans I deserve to be divorced.

The last two weeks from that I moved out was sort of a gut check of who I am and who I want to be. Not who I want to be for my wife or my child who I want to be for myself.I struggle with this because I keep defaulting to wanting to stay her husband wanting to stay the father wanting to stay in a marriage. For the first time I don't have the shield of being a wife's husband and I have to stand my own. The truth is I didn't love the man I was she loved him. I didn't love the choices I made a lot of them was also more her choices and what she wanted. The thing is starting to love the real person I am,the woman I am is first priority!  Because, at the end of the day, we spend every moment of our lives with one person: ourselves.

The thing is love turned into a problem in my life not a solution. It put me of course from who I wanted to be and on a course of who someone else wanted me to be for her. Then our child.

The objective should not be finding any love, but rather, the objective should be to live fully and only allowing love in when it surpasses your expectations. I know now that my eccentricities are not just traits for someone to "put up with," but are rather divine characteristics for the right someone.

Great love is possible, but you've got to demand the "great" in all areas of your life, and let the love part work itself out.

I think it would definitely help to get a job.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 08, 2016, 01:34:46 PM
I think it would definitely help to get a job.

I am actively looking for a job and I am waiting on feedback from interviews of friday. I know how important a job is for survival but mental health is also important you can only hide pain by a job it is not the cure.

Quote from: Amoré on February 08, 2016, 01:51:03 PM
I am actively looking for a job and I am waiting on feedback from interviews of friday. I know how important a job is for survival but mental health is also important you can only hide pain by a job it is not the cure.

well it helps to not think about the pain constantly and get your energy going in positive directions

Quote from: stephaniec on February 08, 2016, 01:54:34 PM
well it helps to not think about the pain constantly and get your energy going in positive directions

I know it is true I am looking at freelance programming

Quote from: Amoré on February 08, 2016, 01:05:40 AM
You have a point hun it just feels if I am failing

I keep thinking of that old John Cusack movie, "Better Off Dead" where his girlfriend dumps him and his life falls apart.  Then he meets that cute French girl, and she says to him, "What you need is a small taste of success."

Focus on being yourself.  Value yourself.  Success will come.

Quote from: Amoré on February 08, 2016, 01:01:41 PM
Well to be honest I don't know who I am outside my marriage anymore. Me and my wife met and was together from that she was 16 and 18. My whole being was entwined in this marriage. The person that I thought I was and now I am lost! That person is lost and I have to rediscover who I am. Not only do I have to work through hard and harsh feelings of losing my marriage. I also have to find the real me.

I can't force someone to be with me because I fear of losing the person that used to be. I made sort of progress today in all my hurt. I am no longer held in walls of a marriage. But now I have to discover who I am and learn to love and fall in love with that person. What do I want? I must ask myself who am I without her.

I don't know I know I identify as a woman because I am trans and I am a parent but the rest I don't know!

Somewhere I must start healing and this is not by telling her that she is a piece of crap for what she did. That is not me that is anger! That is hate speaking but deep down love.

As I was sitting here today crying grieving and missing my past the best that I can take away from it is acknowledging that it was real I can't dismiss that. But also taking a opportunity to learn from love. To learn that my relationship was build on a weak foundation from the beginning and I went into a marriage hoping that love will conquer all that it will cure me. I don't regret my marriage I don't regret my popsicle this may be my only biological child.

I must face that I am getting divorced it is not a bad dream this is happening a person rejected me because I dared to be trans.

So what can I do except allow myself to hurt allow myself to cry because that is when you truly let go of hate in the end and move on eventually even if it takes longer than the route my wife is taking. Put on the tuff guy act and I don't cry is that really moving on? Then you end up lashing out with hate at the end and taking that anger into your next relationship because you tried to skip the grieving process. She calls me weak I think it is necessary.

I end up lashing out and being destructive like yesterday because of anger and hate. The first step I guess will be letting go of hopes and dreams that I had with this person my hopes and dreams of having a wonderful marriage that was amazing so amazing that it will cure me of dysphoria and that I longed to be a woman. That is not realistic! but it was one of my dreams. Growing old with a person and only having one love in my life and slept with one person in my life. Then having children with this person and not putting them through divorce. I must let go of all this hopes and dreams. It hurts but if I don't I can't move on and will always be held prisoner in them.

If I can't let go of those hopes and dreams I won't be able to let go of her and the anger.

Then I have to let go of never holding her again the idea of her having sex with other people having someone else while my dreams and her's was one person one life forever together. Now I have to move on and find someone else that don't even know what my favourite movie is.

Not only am I grieving the loss of the marriage I am grieving the loss of my male self that was part of the marriage. I am trying to let go but that takes time and it is hard. The liberating moment was really knowing that I have to move on. That this is the best for me because staying with someone who is filled with resentment and hate because you want to be a good parent it does not work. I was trying to force her to stay.

Her hate is driving her now I know she is hurting but putting on the tuff guy act and I want too show you how much better my life is without you by partying and things. But that is only a mask one day she will wake up when the excitement of her new found freedom wore of and she will cry. She will feel it because now the grass looks greener on the other side all men looks better and I do not represent the whole population of men.

What I represented was a good husband I never drank, I don't smoke, I never came home late,I never was in a club in my life! I don't do drugs.I sometimes neglected my duties like cleaning or whatever but that does not make me a bad husband. I cooked and did the dishes most of the time. I was what she wanted me to be! She also fell in love with my potential what I could achieve in life and I achieved a lot and lost a lot.

My only flaw was that I was trans but the attributes of my personality that she liked was my female attributes.

She told me she did not sign up to marry a trans person. But at the end she was one of the persons that forced me to be trans the more I tried to shake it of and forget about it the more it was pushed on me. I eventually broke I did not want to be trans and especially not divorce because I am trans.

I want to know what I really did to end my marriage because I am blamed for the destruction of it. I don't want to take that into my next relationship. Well I was emotionally abusive according to her to get what I wanted. If that is a real problem how can wanting to buy something with my own money be emotional abuse? Then according to I can't take responsibility for my actions because I chose to be trans I deserve to be divorced.

The last two weeks from that I moved out was sort of a gut check of who I am and who I want to be. Not who I want to be for my wife or my child who I want to be for myself.I struggle with this because I keep defaulting to wanting to stay her husband wanting to stay the father wanting to stay in a marriage. For the first time I don't have the shield of being a wife's husband and I have to stand my own. The truth is I didn't love the man I was she loved him. I didn't love the choices I made a lot of them was also more her choices and what she wanted. The thing is starting to love the real person I am,the woman I am is first priority!  Because, at the end of the day, we spend every moment of our lives with one person: ourselves.

The thing is love turned into a problem in my life not a solution. It put me of course from who I wanted to be and on a course of who someone else wanted me to be for her. Then our child.

The objective should not be finding any love, but rather, the objective should be to live fully and only allowing love in when it surpasses your expectations. I know now that my eccentricities are not just traits for someone to "put up with," but are rather divine characteristics for the right someone.

Great love is possible, but you've got to demand the "great" in all areas of your life, and let the love part work itself out.

Who are you?

You are combination of your body, your experiences, and your resulting preferences. To understand your preferences, you could write two list; one of things that make you happy, and another of things that make you upset, and then organize the items in both lists by the level they influence you.

What caused the destruction of your marriage?

I have no idea. Were there any problems in your marriage, before your wife learned you are transgender?

Also, I agree with your last statement, that we should work to satisfy all of our needs, and hope for the best.

Well today was a day that I started working on really moving on! It was hard I basically realised that I should not call her my wife anymore because that is not what she wants. The divorce is not finalised but that is okay there is no more marriage left that is all the past and I have to let go of the idea of even having a marriage let alone any relationship with this person any longer in my life even the idea of a friendship or co-parents.

I am trans today and for the first time I feel proud of myself not for being trans I hate it truly but for the courage that I displayed to turn away from death and killing myself and ending the pain. It is hard as F some days but that is where I realised I am a woman I don't pretend to be tuff as nails I am. I did not let being trans get my down in the end but I stood up and owned it. I realised I can't force this on people so that they accept it that is their choice the ones that does not want to stick around have to go because never in my life am I going to change who I am for someone else no one.

Being trans is difficult but even we as trans people deserve to be happy look in the mirror and feel content with what we see. I won't say like what I see that will never be possible but content and that my mind accepts what I see.

Congrats on finding your strength. Purpose is in there too.

Change in life is hard and must be processed. Be as good to yourself as you can be during that processing time, and avoid those that are not good to you.

Finding a person to love becomes easier and more natural once you are the improving you. Love is much more a verb than it is a noun. Your love is a treasure that any man or woman will be lucky to have. That is true of us all.