Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My story starts out pretty much like everbody else's I would imagine.  I can remember being different as young as 4 or 5 years old.  I didn't enjoy playing with the boys, I envied the girls for the fun things they got to do, things were just not right.  As I got older things became even more difficult.  I started school and I was always teased for not being as macho as the other boys.  Through out elementary and middle school, I remember forcing myself to try boy things like sports, and hunting with my dad, and anything I else I could do to be more boy.  I never took. I would inevitably under perform and get bored with it, always being more interested in playing with the girls and hanging out with them.  I specifically avoided friends throughout my childhood because I didn't want them to know I was different.

When I got into high school things got really difficult.  All the guys in school were quite macho and athletic, and they all had only two things on there mind, girls and sex.  I tried to follow suit so I wouldn't stand out, but I always ended up being friend instead of boyfriend with the girls.  I was never attracted to the other guys, I just wasn't interested in sex with the girls.  I would rather hang out with them, I was able to identify with them better it seemed.  I remember it was in the 9th grade on Halloween, that I had my first opportunity to dress like a girl in public.  I felt so right.  How could this be?  Other boys in school would dress like girls for Halloween, but they always seemed awkward and out of place.  When I did this, I had to act awkward and out of place.  If I didn't, people might know that I enjoyed this too much.  After this I started dressing as often I could. Mostly, I would wear my sister's or my mom's clothes. (I didn't have a job or anyway to buy my own) There was rarely a time when I was home alone that I didn't get dressed up.  Clothes, makeup, the works.  I even tried to grow my hair out, but I caught too much opposition from my parents and had to get it cut.

I even met a girl through my sister and eventually married her.  I basically did this because I was told that's what I supposed to do.  I tried to be a perfect straight husband and eventually a perfect straight father, but I just couldn't take it anymore.  I started wearing my wife's clothes and makeup, and then eventually decided I should tell her about.  The stuff really hit the fan!  She made me swear to never do it again, which of course I tried to do and failed.  She then used my gender gift as an excuse to go out and find a "real man" and left and took my daughter with her. 

I was devastated and then I met someone who said she was fine with crossdressing, and even participated for quite a while.  She then grew tired of it and I was starting to waiver on what I wanted, and that ended too. A couple of years later I find myself married again.  This time I am married to someone who also says she has no problem with it "just as long as I don't make any permanent changes."  My problem is I don't know what I want either.  I was very content with just crossdressing for a while, but there was always this looming question in my head, "Where am I going with this?"  I still don't exactly know the answer to that question, but I know I don't like where I am.  I try to talk to god about the subject, and every time I do, the urges get stronger, and doors to dress open up.  However, according to the church gender variance isn't acceptable.  So I am really struggling with this question.  Who/what am I supposed to be?  Am I supposed to be male(father/husband/son), or am I supposed to give all that up and be female(whole/comfortable/at peace)?  I really wish somebody could answer this question for me.

Hi Jessica.

Thank you for telling us your story.
Tough questions to answer. Hopefully talking about it with us and reading other people's journeys will help you discover the answers. We are all here to support eachother.

My suggestion, and I think many others will echo this, is to find yourself a gender therapist to help you work through these issues.

All the best for your journey of discovery.

Nick

Hello Jessica and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html)  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick:

Jessica Welcome!!! A lot in your story echo's mine: always a friend to the girls never the BF and especially praying to God and the urges get stronger. I'm new here too, and as Nicksister told you about Gender therapy that's a definate YES!!! I just started my therapy today and wow, what a relief, and I go to a church for therapy...mind you a very progressive church. My therapist and I spoke of this very issue today. I'd pray, and I found my self here, I asked for advice and for support groups / therapy in the Phoenix, Az area and bam here I go. It's great!!!

It's o.k., your not going against God, just going against what so-called "normal people" think is appropriate, sane. Get into therapy, follow your heart and keep coming back here and participate on the boards, tell your story and listen to others.

Again, welcome to SUSAN'S!!!!

Hi Jessica and welcome!

I can really relate to the feelings you are having right now, as I have just gone through the same.
Although I have only been a member of Susans for a short time, it has made me realize exactly what I have to do.
I really hope it does the same for you.

Bobbie XXX

Hello, Jessica, and welcome to Susan's.

I am quoting from your introduction:

Quote"Where am I going with this?"  I still don't exactly know the answer to that question, but I know I don't like where I am.  I try to talk to god about the subject, and every time I do, the urges get stronger, and doors to dress open up.  However, according to the church gender variance isn't acceptable.  So I am really struggling with this question.  Who/what am I supposed to be?  Am I supposed to be male(father/husband/son), or am I supposed to give all that up and be female(whole/comfortable/at peace)?  I really wish somebody could answer this question for me.

I know from my own questioning that the best place to go to sort things out is to see a gender therapist, someone who is a trained listener in the specific area of gender and all of its manifestations and nuances.

While you are struggling within yourself you might want to remember that it is you who must live your life and no one can do that for you.  Regardless of anyone else's position on gender variance it is you who must deal with it, 24/7.  I believe in the Supreme Being and that the splendor of creation is not in the shades of gray but in the full spectrum of colors, shades, hues, and blends that creation covers.  Conformity is fine if that is where one's heart is but it can be pretty dull and one size doesn't fit all.  Sometimes it can be suffocating.

I was married three times so I know how hard it is to conform to an image that wasn't me.  When I told my last ex that I am transsexual, that I had seen a gender therapist, and that I would be starting my transition she was very good about it.  She said that it was OK as long as I waited for her to die first.

I got out of there and I have no regrets in leaving.  I am pre-op and on the list for surgery and I only regret I do have is having lived life by someone else's rules for too long.

Again, see a gender therapist.  That was the advice that I got in 2002 and I followed it and I never looked back.

Be well.

Wing Walker

Hi Jessica.Heart, Welcome to Susan's

Well I believe your story would fit many of the other members here. As for the Gender therapist, although I didn't have one  through my transitioning I would greatly suggest you make an effort to find one. They will help you see more clearly what needs to be done, As far as to what you should do I think you already have the answer in your last sentence of your introduction.

 

Quotefemale(whole/comfortable/at peace)? 

Cindy

Can anybody tell me how they went about choosing a gender therapist?  I have been searching for some time now (about 10 years).  I have seen 4 or 5 different therapists and none of them were "gender specialists."  I have been talking with a couple different therapist lately trying to find someone to help me sort it out.  The first therapist seems very knowledgeable about the subject but is not a "gender specialist," however she is affordable ($50 session).  The second is extremely knowledgeable about gender issues, as gender is all she handles.  However, she her rate is quite a bit higher.  Since health insurance rarely covers gender identity treatment I am inclined to see therapist #1, however she is not a "specialist."

Which way would you go?

Hi Jessica.Heart
Well as I have mentioned before I did my transitioning without a therapist, not by choice but because there wasn't any close by to where I lived. I just walked into my psychiatrist's office one day as Cindy and told him that who I present is who I am, can you help me with finding an endo so I can get hormone and testosterone blocker.  He only knew about transsexuality enough that he recommended an endo who I saw twice. The second time she informed me that she was following up a new career and wouldn't be seeing me anymore. I asked her to send the prescriptions to my physician and she complied.

So here I was with a physician that didn't know anything about Transsexuality but continued prescribing the necessary meds and my psychiatrist whose knowledge was marginal at best about Transsexuality. The rest I did intuatively on my own, I was accepted at my work as the new gal Social Worker. I got the necessary forms and got all my ID changed to match my new gender. I wouldn't recommend anyone else to do the same though. I just did what I had to do and stuck with it 

You may want to stick with the affordable one $50 per session for now and in the meantime just keep looking around for another specialist. Have you tried looking on the web for a gender specialist around your area?

Cindy

   

Well i only want to say hi. And any theropist is better than non. If they will listen and try to help thats got to b a good thing. C u around.

Luv lucy

QuoteCan anybody tell me how they went about choosing a gender therapist?  I have been searching for some time now (about 10 years).  I have seen 4 or 5 different therapists and none of them were "gender specialists."  I have been talking with a couple different therapist lately trying to find someone to help me sort it out.  The first therapist seems very knowledgeable about the subject but is not a "gender specialist," however she is affordable ($50 session).  The second is extremely knowledgeable about gender issues, as gender is all she handles.  However, she her rate is quite a bit higher.  Since health insurance rarely covers gender identity treatment I am inclined to see therapist #1, however she is not a "specialist."

Which way would you go?

I agree with Lucy's observation that any therapist is better than no therapist at all. 

What I am about to share here is my personal experience.

The health insurance offered by my employer was Blue Cross/Blue Shield and it covered mental therapy as long as it was done with a person licensed to practice in that area.

I did the research.  I called enough therapists and tole them what I needed and eventually I did find a specialist.  I started therapy in a large metropolitan area and I later cane to find that there were several therapists who dealt with GID and other gender issues.

My health insurance did *not* restrict what mental issues it would help me with.  It was all counseling by licensed people and even if the diagnosis was gender dysphoria they did not withhold benefits.

I paid the therapist and submitted my bills for reimbursement.  In the outpatient setting they reimbursed me for 50% of all that I paid for therapy.

I recommend that you ask your current therapist if she knows of a gender specialist or someone who has experience in the GID area.

If you want to discuss this off-line, please send me a private message.  I will help if I can and if I can't, I promise not to waste your time or give you inaccurate information.

Be well.

Wing Walker