Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Alycya on February 08, 2016, 01:35:50 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Hi (introducing myself)
Post by: Alycya on February 08, 2016, 01:35:50 PM
Post by: Alycya on February 08, 2016, 01:35:50 PM
Hello, I'm writing some words to introduce myself and for break the ice... that i'm feeling inside.
To Share something about me may be helpful to melt some frozen areas in my soul.
My story is so similar to hundreds of other stories reported by people who are into transition. I've started dressing up like a girl when i was around 4 yo, and among my toys there where a lot of make up stuffs (my mother dealt in cosmetics, so I used the little samples of lipstick and all as a "toy").
I hated, so deeply, to be brought to the barber for a "male" haircut, i get so sad each time, protesting so strongly that my mother started to bring my to her hairdresser (a woman) who didn't cut my hair that much, so i always had long hair, much longer than the ones of other boys.
Growing up, my voice changed, and i disliked it. ... and i never had fun playing the "games" that seemed to excite my male friends... and i preferred to stay among girls, playing with dolls...
BTW, my body has always been very thin, with few muscles, so i get punctually excluded by competitive sports and games, so i spent so much time alone in my youth.
Time passed and i founded myself into studies and then into a job, playing my "masculine" role, trying to fit into social expectations.
I got married and divorced (the worse experience of my whole life). And... cyclically, i returned to my "play" i did when i was a child: crossdressing. I did it even outside, at night, having fun with people who approached me on the road thinking i was a prostitute (i never did such profession... but i found cheerful to verify that i could be considered acceptable and believable and pleasant as a "woman").
Now i'm no more young, and my life is a ruin (lol)... I tried to live as a "man", but i'm so tired to struggle, ... the only relief is to see that i'm still acceptable in appearance when i present myself as a woman (Tgirl) in some social networks, but i feel i cannot hide anymore.
I'm scared, but... i cannot wait longer... Today i have received another antidepressant prescription from my doc, i managed to avoid them for years, helping me only with some light "tranquilizer" to calm down anxiety when needed.
I've already tried, years ago, to "destroy" myself with alcohol and related, inevitable, car crashes (i never involved nobody else but me in those)... i know that those were just some unconscious suicide attempt... now i get over all that, and meditation and self caring has helped me a lot... but the urge to Change does not disappear, is still always there.
It never fades... at the contrary is getting always stronger in spite of time and in spite of any "hoped" maturity brought by the age. There is nothing to do.
So, it's time to face the Lion: i told my doc that has come the time for me to expose my own diagnosis to my so called "depression", I perfectly know its very roots, and in the next appointment (next month) i will expose it to him.
That will be my beginning.
The coming out from the closet. And, yes, i'm so tired of this stinky closet.
I'm 50 yo now, even if in appearance, my body fortunately still seems to have 20 years less, i have already a natural "roundness" in the right places and some little natural breast - too small for a female, but a bit too much for a male (lol).
I'm already "androgynous" in appearance... when i was younger people often asked me if i was a boy or a girl ... lol.
Well i hope this will help, since the age is ... a bit too much - may be - , this is the most scaring thing for me... or may be the last excuse to avoid the transition that must crumble down into pieces, because i well know of other persons who started the transition even later.
I know that many of you that are reading are already into transition, it really needs a tremendous courage, you have my deepest esteem, respect and admiration, i hope to find out the same in me one day.
I wrote so much.... what to say more?
Just thank you for this site, it helps.
It helps to read other's experience and mirror in them.
Thank You. All the best.
With Love,
Aly
To Share something about me may be helpful to melt some frozen areas in my soul.
My story is so similar to hundreds of other stories reported by people who are into transition. I've started dressing up like a girl when i was around 4 yo, and among my toys there where a lot of make up stuffs (my mother dealt in cosmetics, so I used the little samples of lipstick and all as a "toy").
I hated, so deeply, to be brought to the barber for a "male" haircut, i get so sad each time, protesting so strongly that my mother started to bring my to her hairdresser (a woman) who didn't cut my hair that much, so i always had long hair, much longer than the ones of other boys.
Growing up, my voice changed, and i disliked it. ... and i never had fun playing the "games" that seemed to excite my male friends... and i preferred to stay among girls, playing with dolls...
BTW, my body has always been very thin, with few muscles, so i get punctually excluded by competitive sports and games, so i spent so much time alone in my youth.
Time passed and i founded myself into studies and then into a job, playing my "masculine" role, trying to fit into social expectations.
I got married and divorced (the worse experience of my whole life). And... cyclically, i returned to my "play" i did when i was a child: crossdressing. I did it even outside, at night, having fun with people who approached me on the road thinking i was a prostitute (i never did such profession... but i found cheerful to verify that i could be considered acceptable and believable and pleasant as a "woman").
Now i'm no more young, and my life is a ruin (lol)... I tried to live as a "man", but i'm so tired to struggle, ... the only relief is to see that i'm still acceptable in appearance when i present myself as a woman (Tgirl) in some social networks, but i feel i cannot hide anymore.
I'm scared, but... i cannot wait longer... Today i have received another antidepressant prescription from my doc, i managed to avoid them for years, helping me only with some light "tranquilizer" to calm down anxiety when needed.
I've already tried, years ago, to "destroy" myself with alcohol and related, inevitable, car crashes (i never involved nobody else but me in those)... i know that those were just some unconscious suicide attempt... now i get over all that, and meditation and self caring has helped me a lot... but the urge to Change does not disappear, is still always there.
It never fades... at the contrary is getting always stronger in spite of time and in spite of any "hoped" maturity brought by the age. There is nothing to do.
So, it's time to face the Lion: i told my doc that has come the time for me to expose my own diagnosis to my so called "depression", I perfectly know its very roots, and in the next appointment (next month) i will expose it to him.
That will be my beginning.
The coming out from the closet. And, yes, i'm so tired of this stinky closet.
I'm 50 yo now, even if in appearance, my body fortunately still seems to have 20 years less, i have already a natural "roundness" in the right places and some little natural breast - too small for a female, but a bit too much for a male (lol).
I'm already "androgynous" in appearance... when i was younger people often asked me if i was a boy or a girl ... lol.
Well i hope this will help, since the age is ... a bit too much - may be - , this is the most scaring thing for me... or may be the last excuse to avoid the transition that must crumble down into pieces, because i well know of other persons who started the transition even later.
I know that many of you that are reading are already into transition, it really needs a tremendous courage, you have my deepest esteem, respect and admiration, i hope to find out the same in me one day.
I wrote so much.... what to say more?
Just thank you for this site, it helps.
It helps to read other's experience and mirror in them.
Thank You. All the best.
With Love,
Aly
Title: Re: Hi (introducing myself)
Post by: Dena on February 08, 2016, 02:04:07 PM
Post by: Dena on February 08, 2016, 02:04:07 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. I finished my transition 33 years ago at age 30 but you are not alone here. I have posted with people in the 50-60 year old range who are early in their transition. Depression is pretty common among us and I had it pretty bad. I had to live with it until I came out of the closet at age 23 and after that because the cause was known, I wasn't medicated. Finishing my transition has ended my depression and it hasn't returned.
The transition looks difficult but the trick is to break it into small projects. As each item is finished, you are one step closer to your goal. In a way you have taken a big step by going out the door as a woman. Getting to that point is hard for many. I suspect now you will only need to work on your image and deal with the medical side of things. I wish you luck and feel free to ask me any questions you might have.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
The transition looks difficult but the trick is to break it into small projects. As each item is finished, you are one step closer to your goal. In a way you have taken a big step by going out the door as a woman. Getting to that point is hard for many. I suspect now you will only need to work on your image and deal with the medical side of things. I wish you luck and feel free to ask me any questions you might have.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
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Title: Re: Hi (introducing myself)
Post by: Alycya on February 08, 2016, 03:13:03 PM
Post by: Alycya on February 08, 2016, 03:13:03 PM
Thank you Dena, it has been nice to read your reply. It conforts me a little bit - said by you it seems easier :).
Yes, I'm very proud to have had the courage to go outside, surely that has been a step. Now, i do the same, sometimes, on webcam, but it's different.
What is very significant to me is that every time i expose myself as a woman i feel happiness, a kind of bliss, a natural sense of Peace that last for some time, it surrounds me for the whole night or more. It is something of inexplicable, beyond logic, but it's natural not chemical - surely No pills can do the same.
Therefore I can believe that depression won't come back again.
I'm aware that i will have to move each step by my own, but to receive some comfort is nice... and ... i think i've been "strong" enough for this life. I've earned the right to be fragile.
Thank you :)
Aly
Yes, I'm very proud to have had the courage to go outside, surely that has been a step. Now, i do the same, sometimes, on webcam, but it's different.
What is very significant to me is that every time i expose myself as a woman i feel happiness, a kind of bliss, a natural sense of Peace that last for some time, it surrounds me for the whole night or more. It is something of inexplicable, beyond logic, but it's natural not chemical - surely No pills can do the same.
Therefore I can believe that depression won't come back again.
I'm aware that i will have to move each step by my own, but to receive some comfort is nice... and ... i think i've been "strong" enough for this life. I've earned the right to be fragile.
Thank you :)
Aly
Title: Re: Hi (introducing myself)
Post by: V M on February 08, 2016, 05:18:58 PM
Post by: V M on February 08, 2016, 05:18:58 PM
Hi Aly :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hi (introducing myself)
Post by: Devlyn on February 09, 2016, 07:13:07 PM
Post by: Devlyn on February 09, 2016, 07:13:07 PM
Hi Aly, welcome to Susan's Place! Everyone here knows what you're feeling, trust me. :) Get out there and start making friends!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Hi (introducing myself)
Post by: Alycya on February 11, 2016, 03:44:24 AM
Post by: Alycya on February 11, 2016, 03:44:24 AM
Hi Devlyn, yes, i'm going out of that. I'm not taking the antidepressants, i did it just for two days after the medical prescription and then i stopped - I don't want to step back again in something I've already left behind my shoulders years ago. The main problem is that many doctors do not listen. Now I'm feeling better. I'm not "depressed" I'm simply aware of a situation that has not a easy and fast solution, that is - nothing to do with depression.
And the solution is not into some chemical legalized "drug" that just delay the beginning of true solution.
Sorry if what i write may sound a bit "strange" somewhere - the reason of it is that English is not my first language. I'm doing my best trying to write in a understandable way, but surely there are some grammar errors or something "odd" here and there in my messages.
Hugs,
Aly
And the solution is not into some chemical legalized "drug" that just delay the beginning of true solution.
Sorry if what i write may sound a bit "strange" somewhere - the reason of it is that English is not my first language. I'm doing my best trying to write in a understandable way, but surely there are some grammar errors or something "odd" here and there in my messages.
Hugs,
Aly