Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So my husband came out to me as transgender about a month ago.  I had no clue.  He had already been seeing a gender therapist for 8 months and was taking HRT for about 4 months.  It seemed as if he new his course which was to become a full woman with SRS.  We were very open with each other and I told him honestly that I didn't see our marriage lasting.  I'm a cis female who only wants to be with a man.  We'd be friends.  After two days of really talking, my husband decided that to transition would mean losing too much.  We have a son who just turned 3.  He switched therapists to one that is willing to help him find a middle ground.  He's continuing to take low HRT because it makes him feel better.  I should say that his first therapist never discussed "gray" areas with him and he said he didn't realize he had that option.  I think he was trying to move incredibly fast which is what my husband does with everything once he sets his mind to something.  I'm really scared about so much right now.  I'm not sure what other middle ground he has other than HRT.  He said he didn't like cross dressing because his body doesn't reflect how he wants to look in his clothes.  I'm scared low HRT won't be enough after a while.  I feel like I'm on borrowed time.  It's consuming me.  I am seeing a therapist too who has transgender experience.  I don't want to lose my husband or my son to lose his father.  Both my husband and I grew up without fathers and from the beginning of our relationship I have always said how important it is to me that our children have their father and mother and not a broken home.  Just so no one takes offense, my husband still wants to be referred to as he and my husband.

I hope you don't mind my welcoming you with a comment or two. I know this section is supposed to be from SO's. I am on the other side of that.

I think it is great you are researching and trying to find out information. Some people just bury their heads or freeze up. I am so sorry you had to experience this. It is sometimes a surprise to us to come to the trans realization and we often have years leading up to it. It is often with shame and fear that we come out to our spouses(when married). This was true for me too. To get to a point where the spouse is informed can be overwhelming and frightening for them(you). Communications is very important, as you probably realized.

It is great that you are in therapy too. Whatever journey your husband takes, you are both humans. Trans or otherwise, we humans go through good and bad times. Therapy helps us move through life more smoothly, with swings that are not too extreme.

There are many people who do not have to transition fully to live a full and happy life. With patience and understanding I hope you two can work through that. It will be tough at times(life is and trans life can add to that).

Please feel free to continue to ask questions. I hope your journey smooths out.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Scared Spouse on February 12, 2016, 09:28:38 AM
So my husband came out to me as transgender about a month ago.  I had no clue.  He had already been seeing a gender therapist for 8 months and was taking HRT for about 4 months.  It seemed as if he new his course which was to become a full woman with SRS.  We were very open with each other and I told him honestly that I didn't see our marriage lasting.  I'm a cis female who only wants to be with a man.  We'd be friends.  After two days of really talking, my husband decided that to transition would mean losing too much.  We have a son who just turned 3.  He switched therapists to one that is willing to help him find a middle ground.  He's continuing to take low HRT because it makes him feel better.  I should say that his first therapist never discussed "gray" areas with him and he said he didn't realize he had that option.  I think he was trying to move incredibly fast which is what my husband does with everything once he sets his mind to something.  I'm really scared about so much right now.  I'm not sure what other middle ground he has other than HRT.  He said he didn't like cross dressing because his body doesn't reflect how he wants to look in his clothes.  I'm scared low HRT won't be enough after a while.  I feel like I'm on borrowed time.  It's consuming me.  I am seeing a therapist too who has transgender experience.  I don't want to lose my husband or my son to lose his father.  Both my husband and I grew up without fathers and from the beginning of our relationship I have always said how important it is to me that our children have their father and mother and not a broken home.  Just so no one takes offense, my husband still wants to be referred to as he and my husband.

Wow, too close to home... except I have no children. At least he's open to exploring the possibility of not transitioning and finding a balance. I do hope you can find that balance together.

I've sent you a PM with how you can contact me should you want commiserate with another very heterosexual CIS female who's on the same sinking ship.

Welcome to Susan's Place. We have people on the site who have found various solutions that don't involve a full transition. Low dose would normally mean a T blocker that reduces the transgender feeling often to manageable levels and enough estrogen for some of the benefits of estrogen without causing rapid body development. I knew very early that I would require a full transition and I was willing to risk losing everything I had to do it. This isn't true of everybody and there are people who are torn between the need for a more feminine body and the desire to remain in their birth gender. Where your husband is, I can't say but it is possible that low dose HRT could be something he would be comfortable with for the remainder of his life.

Remain flexible and keep the communication open because this will be hard on both of you but there may be a solution that doesn't involve a full transition. Feel free to ask me any question you think I can answer as I am here to help.

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