Community Conversation => Youth talk => Topic started by: PastyPrincess on February 12, 2016, 09:15:38 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Something came up last week
Post by: PastyPrincess on February 12, 2016, 09:15:38 PM
Post by: PastyPrincess on February 12, 2016, 09:15:38 PM
it's a really long read, but it's whatever. I really need to talk about this somewhere, to get it off my chest. It's been eating me and hollowing me out for the past week since it happened, and I need to bring it up.
So I had one of my friends come over last week and after he left my mom started yelling at me about how i present myself in public and how "i'm a boy" and i can't do things like polish my nails because that's a girly thing to do. After telling her for the hundredth time what trans meant, she started yelling furthermore about how it looks disgusting what i choose to do with my body. i told her that it was my body and i choose to do what i want to do with it, and she told me that it was her house and i have to abide by her rules, which is apparently telling me what i can and can't do with myself. what she told me made me realize the truth in this world, that i'm more likely to get assaulted or killed than anyone else, and it's beyond my own control. nothing that i can do besides hide myself will ever make me comfortable, and i won't ever feel comfortable with myself. i had no one to turn to. no one was willing to help me despite my many times reaching out. this overwhelmed me and i wrote a note before my mom kicked me out of the house, and i hid the note in my dresser. the note, if you want to read it, reads
"This may have been abrupt, I know, but I want that you know I'm in a better place now, and that I don't want anyone to feel bad over this. Just know that I'll be forgotten eventually and just move on with your life. You could've told me all day and night that "it gets better", but it just wasn't going to get better for me. This is my own fault for digging a hole so far in that I just simply couldn't get out of it. Call me "selfish", I just don't care. I've been planning this for a long time and nothing you could have done would have convinced me otherwise. I don't care about the whole saying "Permanent solution to a temporary problem", this would have been an ongoing problem for me and nothing would have truly fixed it. Mom, I know it's hard for you to believe, or maybe it's just because you're an imbecile, but with every last breath I wanted to be a girl. In a way, it's somewhat your fault too for pushing me away despite the many times I've come to you for help. I'm sorry, Dad, that I broke the promise I made to you that I wouldn't harm myself. I'm sorry to my friends that I may or may not have spoken to that much. But most of all, I'm sorry to my love, Lauren Frixione. I know it hadn't seemed like it, that I was happy, and I know you will be really hurt from this, but I'm sorry. I betrayed you. I know we had plans for kids and stuff, but I'm afraid we can't have that anymore. I just can't stand life anymore and I dread having to live a life that isn't mine. Even for another day, I can't keep living this life I'm forced to live because I feel like a fake. I can't keep trying to be happy and positive just because it makes others happy. I'm sick of feeling wrong just for waking up in the morning. I can't stand faking happiness over pure dread of what would happen if I showed how I truly felt. I'm sick of being told just to "change my perspective" or to "just stop being sad" or that "others have it worse so I have no reason to be sad." I hate being told "I'm confused", I know exactly what I'm doing. I hate being told "It's because of this" or "it's because of them", I just wanted everything to stop. I just want to start again, maybe things will be right this time. I just can't stand being told to just "get over it", that "life is unfair; get used to it". Wherever I go after my passing will be a mystery, but I'm sure I'll be in a better place. This is a decision I've made, one that just simply can't be stopped. I've dug myself so far down this hole that I can't see the light anymore. I brought this upon myself and this is my fault, so don't try to blame anyone or anything other than myself. I've just made myself so useless that I don't even have a reason to stick around anymore. Don't even try to tell me that "the pain doesn't stop, it just spreads to other people." There's just nobody that even liked me enough to notice that I'm gone. All I've done was annoy everyone else with my presence so I shouldn't be too much of a bother after I'm gone. I'm just a bother to everyone around me anyways, that I'm not of any use or importance to anyone, just a dissrespectful little ->-bleeped-<- that doesn't deserve anything. I've gone to so many people for help, and I was told that "The fact that I'm even standing here is ridiculous", that I should just shut up and stop being so disrespectful. I was told that nothing I could do will make a change, and you know what, they're all right. I was just being disrespectful, that I have no place. This is only my fault. I'm the only one that caused this. This is my own fault and once I'm gone everything will return to normal. I'll just be forgotten about and everyone will be happy. I, simply put, won't be able to fix what I've done for myself. This is too much for me. Everyone likes to ask why, thinking it's other people, when in reality, no one actually likes to look into it. If the rest of this note hasn't already blatantly told you, it's this: I've ruined my own life and it's already been proven that no one is willing to help. I've made myself into this and you couldn't have stopped me. You can tell me forever and a day that "it gets better" or that I matter, but in reality I don't matter. Nothing I have ever done matters. Nothing I ever will do matters. No one has ever truly cared about me, no one has a reason to care about me. Nobody is obligated to care about me. It is no one's specific duty to care, and that's okay. I don't expect or need anyone to care, it just makes it easier for me to go. Maybe there will be a specific place for me in the afterlife, I don't know and I'm about to find out. I don't care what you have to say to me. The last time I tried to go to someone for help, I was told to "do it" by my own mother. It's all that I needed. It proved to me that I don't need to stay here anymore. It proved to me that nobody wants me around, that I should go. I have no reason to stay. Any aspirations or passions I had went with the wind: nothing I could do will help me reach those goals. I wasn't even supposed to be here to begin with, my mom was supposed to abort me. Often it makes me question how I came to be, and why I have these false hopes that one day I just might accomplish something. I've come to the conclusion that I blew it. Even from birth I blew it. I couldn't get anything right, even from day one. It's not like I had a choice anyway; I was damned from the start.I don't even care whether or not you say I'm doing it for "attention". What do I care about attention; I've already been told to stop begging for that very thing. Worse, I'll be gone anyway so what does attention matter to me? I'll be doing this not only for me, but for everyone around since no one likes me anyway. I can't imagine how annoyed and angry people will be when they find this note. Already I'm causing more problems than what is worth, further proving I'm just not needed here. I can't stand being in a place where I've already proven my worthlessness, and I'm the only one that proved as such. I'm the only one to blame for this, and as my mom said herself that what I decide to do doesn't affect her, that she'll still carry on. In a way, everyone's like that. What I do won't affect anyone, that eventually they'll just forget about me and I just won't be anything anymore. I just hope that after I'm gone everyone will forget I ever existed. I don't deserve anything; I've failed everyone and I should just go. Don't blame yourself or anyone else, just know that I made my own life a living hell and I have no one else to blame but me. Above all else, just remember that my life is horrible and I'm the only one to blame for that. My death was painless, and I'll forever be in a better place, and I'll be happy. I'll be happy wherever I end up, and I'll make sure to fade from everyone's memory. As I've stated before, and as I've been told: I keep being disrespectful and it's going to come back on no one else but me. When that police officer told me that I should just shut up and that I shouldn't even need to be so disrespectful and to do what I've been told, it clicked with me that I have no way to get better, that my failing grades are of my own doing, and that it will stay with me and that I won't ever be able to get anything good, that I'll just be stuck doing low-pay jobs and hating my life and being miserable for the rest of my life. It clicked with me that my reaching our for help only annoys others and that I'm wrong, for feeling wrong. I'm wrong for pretending to be right, I'm wrong for just being myself. I'm wrong for existing. I'm wrong and I'm the only person that made me wrong. I'm the only one to blame for being wrong, and there's nothing I can do to make it right.
Auf wiedersehen."
i then left the house and went down the road wherever it took me, i continued walking down the road watching the cars pass me thinking about how much better their lives are than mine, how much better they have it that they don't have to deal with what i deal with, the lack of support from their own parents is probably something most of these people don't know the feeling of. I honestly thought my life was coming to a close, whether by myself or someone else I didn't care. I just wanted it to end. I stopped at a gas station and sat in the back for about a half an hour, thinking through where i would be going to next. I didn't, however, keep going as further down the road was a construction zone and i had no place to go but back. i decided to go back to my girlfriend's house and took the long walk back, but when i got there the police were waiting for me, telling me off about leaving home and such, and when i got home i honestly tried to overdose on pills, but i coughed them up a couple of hours later. i skipped school for the next couple of days, continuing to try, but eventually i just gave up and tried to sleep for as long as i can, that maybe all of this will go away. i needed to tell someone about this, and i figured this was the only place that i can really bring that out, as no one else seems to genuinely listen to me.
So I had one of my friends come over last week and after he left my mom started yelling at me about how i present myself in public and how "i'm a boy" and i can't do things like polish my nails because that's a girly thing to do. After telling her for the hundredth time what trans meant, she started yelling furthermore about how it looks disgusting what i choose to do with my body. i told her that it was my body and i choose to do what i want to do with it, and she told me that it was her house and i have to abide by her rules, which is apparently telling me what i can and can't do with myself. what she told me made me realize the truth in this world, that i'm more likely to get assaulted or killed than anyone else, and it's beyond my own control. nothing that i can do besides hide myself will ever make me comfortable, and i won't ever feel comfortable with myself. i had no one to turn to. no one was willing to help me despite my many times reaching out. this overwhelmed me and i wrote a note before my mom kicked me out of the house, and i hid the note in my dresser. the note, if you want to read it, reads
"This may have been abrupt, I know, but I want that you know I'm in a better place now, and that I don't want anyone to feel bad over this. Just know that I'll be forgotten eventually and just move on with your life. You could've told me all day and night that "it gets better", but it just wasn't going to get better for me. This is my own fault for digging a hole so far in that I just simply couldn't get out of it. Call me "selfish", I just don't care. I've been planning this for a long time and nothing you could have done would have convinced me otherwise. I don't care about the whole saying "Permanent solution to a temporary problem", this would have been an ongoing problem for me and nothing would have truly fixed it. Mom, I know it's hard for you to believe, or maybe it's just because you're an imbecile, but with every last breath I wanted to be a girl. In a way, it's somewhat your fault too for pushing me away despite the many times I've come to you for help. I'm sorry, Dad, that I broke the promise I made to you that I wouldn't harm myself. I'm sorry to my friends that I may or may not have spoken to that much. But most of all, I'm sorry to my love, Lauren Frixione. I know it hadn't seemed like it, that I was happy, and I know you will be really hurt from this, but I'm sorry. I betrayed you. I know we had plans for kids and stuff, but I'm afraid we can't have that anymore. I just can't stand life anymore and I dread having to live a life that isn't mine. Even for another day, I can't keep living this life I'm forced to live because I feel like a fake. I can't keep trying to be happy and positive just because it makes others happy. I'm sick of feeling wrong just for waking up in the morning. I can't stand faking happiness over pure dread of what would happen if I showed how I truly felt. I'm sick of being told just to "change my perspective" or to "just stop being sad" or that "others have it worse so I have no reason to be sad." I hate being told "I'm confused", I know exactly what I'm doing. I hate being told "It's because of this" or "it's because of them", I just wanted everything to stop. I just want to start again, maybe things will be right this time. I just can't stand being told to just "get over it", that "life is unfair; get used to it". Wherever I go after my passing will be a mystery, but I'm sure I'll be in a better place. This is a decision I've made, one that just simply can't be stopped. I've dug myself so far down this hole that I can't see the light anymore. I brought this upon myself and this is my fault, so don't try to blame anyone or anything other than myself. I've just made myself so useless that I don't even have a reason to stick around anymore. Don't even try to tell me that "the pain doesn't stop, it just spreads to other people." There's just nobody that even liked me enough to notice that I'm gone. All I've done was annoy everyone else with my presence so I shouldn't be too much of a bother after I'm gone. I'm just a bother to everyone around me anyways, that I'm not of any use or importance to anyone, just a dissrespectful little ->-bleeped-<- that doesn't deserve anything. I've gone to so many people for help, and I was told that "The fact that I'm even standing here is ridiculous", that I should just shut up and stop being so disrespectful. I was told that nothing I could do will make a change, and you know what, they're all right. I was just being disrespectful, that I have no place. This is only my fault. I'm the only one that caused this. This is my own fault and once I'm gone everything will return to normal. I'll just be forgotten about and everyone will be happy. I, simply put, won't be able to fix what I've done for myself. This is too much for me. Everyone likes to ask why, thinking it's other people, when in reality, no one actually likes to look into it. If the rest of this note hasn't already blatantly told you, it's this: I've ruined my own life and it's already been proven that no one is willing to help. I've made myself into this and you couldn't have stopped me. You can tell me forever and a day that "it gets better" or that I matter, but in reality I don't matter. Nothing I have ever done matters. Nothing I ever will do matters. No one has ever truly cared about me, no one has a reason to care about me. Nobody is obligated to care about me. It is no one's specific duty to care, and that's okay. I don't expect or need anyone to care, it just makes it easier for me to go. Maybe there will be a specific place for me in the afterlife, I don't know and I'm about to find out. I don't care what you have to say to me. The last time I tried to go to someone for help, I was told to "do it" by my own mother. It's all that I needed. It proved to me that I don't need to stay here anymore. It proved to me that nobody wants me around, that I should go. I have no reason to stay. Any aspirations or passions I had went with the wind: nothing I could do will help me reach those goals. I wasn't even supposed to be here to begin with, my mom was supposed to abort me. Often it makes me question how I came to be, and why I have these false hopes that one day I just might accomplish something. I've come to the conclusion that I blew it. Even from birth I blew it. I couldn't get anything right, even from day one. It's not like I had a choice anyway; I was damned from the start.I don't even care whether or not you say I'm doing it for "attention". What do I care about attention; I've already been told to stop begging for that very thing. Worse, I'll be gone anyway so what does attention matter to me? I'll be doing this not only for me, but for everyone around since no one likes me anyway. I can't imagine how annoyed and angry people will be when they find this note. Already I'm causing more problems than what is worth, further proving I'm just not needed here. I can't stand being in a place where I've already proven my worthlessness, and I'm the only one that proved as such. I'm the only one to blame for this, and as my mom said herself that what I decide to do doesn't affect her, that she'll still carry on. In a way, everyone's like that. What I do won't affect anyone, that eventually they'll just forget about me and I just won't be anything anymore. I just hope that after I'm gone everyone will forget I ever existed. I don't deserve anything; I've failed everyone and I should just go. Don't blame yourself or anyone else, just know that I made my own life a living hell and I have no one else to blame but me. Above all else, just remember that my life is horrible and I'm the only one to blame for that. My death was painless, and I'll forever be in a better place, and I'll be happy. I'll be happy wherever I end up, and I'll make sure to fade from everyone's memory. As I've stated before, and as I've been told: I keep being disrespectful and it's going to come back on no one else but me. When that police officer told me that I should just shut up and that I shouldn't even need to be so disrespectful and to do what I've been told, it clicked with me that I have no way to get better, that my failing grades are of my own doing, and that it will stay with me and that I won't ever be able to get anything good, that I'll just be stuck doing low-pay jobs and hating my life and being miserable for the rest of my life. It clicked with me that my reaching our for help only annoys others and that I'm wrong, for feeling wrong. I'm wrong for pretending to be right, I'm wrong for just being myself. I'm wrong for existing. I'm wrong and I'm the only person that made me wrong. I'm the only one to blame for being wrong, and there's nothing I can do to make it right.
Auf wiedersehen."
i then left the house and went down the road wherever it took me, i continued walking down the road watching the cars pass me thinking about how much better their lives are than mine, how much better they have it that they don't have to deal with what i deal with, the lack of support from their own parents is probably something most of these people don't know the feeling of. I honestly thought my life was coming to a close, whether by myself or someone else I didn't care. I just wanted it to end. I stopped at a gas station and sat in the back for about a half an hour, thinking through where i would be going to next. I didn't, however, keep going as further down the road was a construction zone and i had no place to go but back. i decided to go back to my girlfriend's house and took the long walk back, but when i got there the police were waiting for me, telling me off about leaving home and such, and when i got home i honestly tried to overdose on pills, but i coughed them up a couple of hours later. i skipped school for the next couple of days, continuing to try, but eventually i just gave up and tried to sleep for as long as i can, that maybe all of this will go away. i needed to tell someone about this, and i figured this was the only place that i can really bring that out, as no one else seems to genuinely listen to me.
Title: Re: Something came up last week
Post by: Dena on February 12, 2016, 09:46:37 PM
Post by: Dena on February 12, 2016, 09:46:37 PM
I understand how you feel and I was once in a similar position. I knew what I was at age 13 but medical treatment didn't exit where it was accessible and my parents would have never been able to afford it. In addition, I now know I wouldn't have been treated until I was 21. I waited and reached the point you were at at age 23. I then decided my only option was to come out of the closet and I decided if I failed, I still had the option of death. I was able to start treatment but it wasn't the right type of treatment so I struggled until the age of 27 when I finally connected with a treatment program that I was able to make progress with. I transitioned and had my surgery about 2 months before my 31st birthday.
I know how long the road looks for you now but you have information that I lacked. You are approaching the age where you are considered an adult, so you need to start planing your transition. Can you get an education or a trade that will allow you to earn the money you will need? Possibly you will find a job with insurance that will pay many of the cost. When you start the transition there will be much to learn and explore. It will be a busy time but you have the option of starting to build your own life free of you parents influence. It will not be easy but it can be done and if you are willing to put in the work to make it happen, a new and better life awaits you.
I know how long the road looks for you now but you have information that I lacked. You are approaching the age where you are considered an adult, so you need to start planing your transition. Can you get an education or a trade that will allow you to earn the money you will need? Possibly you will find a job with insurance that will pay many of the cost. When you start the transition there will be much to learn and explore. It will be a busy time but you have the option of starting to build your own life free of you parents influence. It will not be easy but it can be done and if you are willing to put in the work to make it happen, a new and better life awaits you.
Title: Re: Something came up last week
Post by: GarryLynn on February 17, 2016, 10:25:02 AM
Post by: GarryLynn on February 17, 2016, 10:25:02 AM
I'm so sorry :( if you need someone to talk to, I have Kik @julliusblackblood
Title: Re: Something came up last week
Post by: DiamondBladee on February 17, 2016, 10:37:33 AM
Post by: DiamondBladee on February 17, 2016, 10:37:33 AM
My Kik is @DiamondBladee. I am literally available 24/7 with instant responses, and I'd be more Han happy to take this a bite at a time until we find a solution.
Many *hugs*
xoxoxo Winter
Many *hugs*
xoxoxo Winter
Title: Re: Something came up last week
Post by: stephaniec on February 17, 2016, 02:17:21 PM
Post by: stephaniec on February 17, 2016, 02:17:21 PM
well, that was a story. You mentioned a lot about reaching out for help, but you haven't mentioned reaching out to people who make it there life purpose to grab your hand on hold on. Obviously the people you reached out to didn't care. You need to seek help from a qualified professional, a school counselor or the on duty social worker at the emergency room of a hospital. They will not toss you into the garbage, So believe me I've been to where your at. I learned that I needed to love myself because no one else was going to. You mentioned be afraid of ->-bleeped-<-ty jobs. All I did my whole life was ->-bleeped-<-ty jobs , but I survived. It took me 60 years to start transition because no one showed me the path , but I made it. You can't live for others approval , you need to find the love within. I enjoy rain storms just as much as beautiful bright sunny skies and fresh mountain air. Life offers so much on the simple level. When I was 18 I hitch hiked around the country and had beautiful experiences of nature and people. There is so much out there you haven't begun to see. The damn with people who hate , love yourself. Seek out professional help they won't shun you.