Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey there, I've always wanted to be a girl but I've just learnt to accept myself.
I feel like I'm way too masculine to even attempt passing or eventually passing, my skull shape is pretty much the same as Brock lesnor with less brow ridge and cheek bones and on top of that I have a shoulder width of 22.5" @5'10 170ibs
I think I'm just venting a little 😔 anyone got any advice or something I'm losing my mind

See a gender therapist, that's the place to start to deal with your issues

I think we are all scared to some degree. However in my case its more of life or death. I am a 61 year old trans woman who will be starting HRT next month and I can't wait. I need to be true to myself, like everyone else my life has been anything but easy but transitioning to who I really am is a lot easier than living the way I have been . You have the right to happiness like anyone else. Be proud and brave.

get a cup of coffee or a pop or water or juice and sit in a mall on a busy Saturday  and with notebook and pen or pencil jot down all the different shapes and sizes of all the woman you see and I'm sure you'll be surprised.

First, I want to echo the good advice from the people above me:
a) Find and go to see a good therapist who has experience helping people sort out gender identity
b) The sitting in the mall and people-watching is a *great* idea. I'm more aware now than I used to be, and I see women who are 6+ ft tall and built just like me (and they've already got the right hormones!)

Now the second part - It was fears similar to exactly what you're feeling that held me back from sorting out my gender for the last *decade* or more. I know some women take far longer to come to the place where they're ready to start living authentically, but for me that decade seems like an eternity that I could have (potentially) been happier and more comfortable in my own skin.

Things I said to myself:
- I'm too masculine - I'll never be an attractive woman
- I'm too big - I'll never have a womanly figure
- My voice is too low - every time I open my mouth I'll out myself
- My hair is too fine (and now somewhat thinner than it was 10 years ago!) - I'll never be able to pull off nice/fun feminine hairstyles

Here's what I have going on physically:
- Overall, the best description for my "man-drag" appearance is "hey, I look like a lumberjack/viking/linebacker/insert-hypermasculine-caricature-here".
- I weigh (I think, no scale in my house at the moment) approx. 240lbs. When I came out a few months back I was more in the 255-260 range, but have apparently lost some weight recently.
- My voice is *deep*. Like Morgan Freeman deep...
- And my measurements:
    - 6'1" tall
    - (men's) size 12.5-13 shoe. Women's sizing I'm a 14ish -- or maybe a 14.5-15 -- depends a lot on the shoe (damn those cute pointy toe shoes!)
    - 39" natural waist (was 41" before I came out)
    - 45" around the ribcage under the bust (46" before I came out)
    - 47" across the nipples (and level all the way around) -- I'm a little bit "barrel-chested"
    - 47" at the largest point around my hips/butt (yay it's not all bad news!)
    - 34" inseam
    - 34" arm-length (measured the way you would for men's shirts)

So to summarize, I am *not* a small guy. Finding cute bras in anything near my size? Nightmare! (Thank god for Torrid) For reference I'm going to add some visual aids... This first picture i took tonight, just for you!
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/5dzvzh6q9wah1ws/IMG_0001.jpg)

With my (future ex-)wife in October
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/h1ktv4nt7f8b1bp/10256678_10102149599836597_7700020723284779694_o.jpg)

And a body shot (nope nope nope, "small" is not a word you use to describe me):
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/73wgimud7dwnigy/IMG_0018.jpg)

But here's the ray of sunshine. *It's okay to be whatever size and shape you are*. There are women my height (and taller). There are women with larger waists, larger bra sizes, longer arms and legs, bigger feet even. They don't just exist, but some of them are even quite beautiful! Once I finally started to acknowledge this reality, things started getting better for me. Of course there was still a bunch of other crap to work though, but recognizing that -- as Denise Bidot says -- "there's no wrong way to be a woman" was a very powerful realization and a turning point for me.

I sought out a therapist, started writing thoughts and feelings down, trying to figure out how to come out to my friends and loved ones (for me, life is too short to hide in a closet), and started painting my nails. That was my one small act of public expression, but I can't say how much better it made me feel sometimes. So now I'm out (everywhere but work really) as trans and soooooooo so much happier with myself and who I'm becoming.

The only place where I put on man-drag anymore is to go to work (and it's sooooooo suffocating to wear those clothes and look that way now). I'm not painting my nails - just started a good new job, so I'm not ready to drop this on them yet. Even at work though, I wear cute (while still androgynous) shoes, socks, and scarves. My winter coat is a women's cut. I'm getting my hair cut in a pixie, and my brows (subtly) waxed, and I'm shaving pretty much everywhere (including my exposed hands/forearms). So I'm not completely hiding who I want to be. ;-)

It hasn't all been gravy. My wife immediately (like, less than 24h) and definitively communicated that she wanted to separate and divorce. My parents are jerks who don't understand. *However*, my friends have been awesome and supportive and the way they've responded has consistently and repeatedly warmed my heart. So people may surprise you!

But you're thinking yourself now... "really, who cares about all that... Surely there was a *point* to all that rambling about physical description and the pictures!" Well, you'd be thinking right! The "point" is that a) you should be yourself, and say to hell with what anyone thinks -- though I know that would have been difficult for me when I was younger. And b) Even if you feel tall, manly, and bulky some (all?) of the time, there are other women out in the world, both trans and cis, who are bigger than you are and ROCKING IT!

Here are a few pictures of me from the past month or two, and (sometimes... IMNSHO) looking pretty fine!

Still pretty bulky (), but feeling better about myself every day!
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/2u4wqpyru7xity7/IMG_0008.jpg)

(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/dc0gega9s7tv6bl/IMG_0006.jpg)

This sweater is so versatile! Goes with all sorts of cute skirts and dresses!
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/7vd1156eqdusuva/IMG_0005.jpg)

(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/na5yqo4izu4629j/IMG_0004.jpg)

(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/to1xj897cse11tl/IMG_0011.jpg)

Yes... I *do* in fact own other clothes besides that sweater...
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/o5idsy754xiej5q/IMG_0016.jpg)

(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/m1qb0vn7lmn1opa/IMG_0012.jpg)

(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/u078wrs0sym8ftm/IMG_0014.jpg)

And sometimes I even wear pants...
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/8smc102d34ipiiw/IMG_0023.jpg)

This was last night - caught a glimpse in the mirror and thought I was looking okay!
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/9mdzbav8m3neg78/IMG_0003.jpg)

There are a few more (that I uploaded at least) here:
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/w8m6kxh2l1jttlb/AADOx2kztlyzVEbhWwogO3pra?dl=0

So I know that was long, but I sympathize with where you're at and I wanted to provide some reassurance and encouragement of the kind that I would have wholeheartedly appreciated when I was trying to figure this stuff out over the years. Sorry that brevity is not one of my strengths!

Here's a summary: Don't let fear stop you from being yourself! I know it's easier said than done, but I (personally) would rather be afraid with at least the potential to be happy than to be looking at my life stretched in front of me full of misery (and manliness).

Definitely seeing a gender therapist and building supports is good. I was really scared before I started, but the more I pushed myself into areas that I was scared of, the easier it got. Now I actually make myself do things when I'm feeling afraid because so much good has cone out of facing my fears that it's just better to face them now than living in that fear. Not saying you should just go out and confront them all. Baby steps are good. Test the waters before you jump in.

Hey Rilan and Isleandor

Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you both here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

To answer your post Rilan, I guess the thing is to remember that full transition is only one of a number of options. Seeing a gender therapist is a good start to see if there is an appropriate path for you. As for full transition, that is not something that has to happen overnight, for a few it might be but most people take it a step at a time. It's a huge and complex decision, not something you want to rush into.

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Cheers

Grace

Be yourself(//)

Aww... Honey, I'm 5'11 and 178 and it just means that you have killer legs! Tall girls rock!!

Everyone has a body issue that they're not happy about, it's how you know you're a woman. ;) But in all seriousness, you'd be surprised how good you can look when you put your mind to it. Women's clothing is designed to hide the flaws you perceive and accentuate the features that you love! I'm positive that you will surprise yourself.

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