Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Brotinn on February 18, 2016, 12:15:42 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Helloooo
Post by: Brotinn on February 18, 2016, 12:15:42 PM
Post by: Brotinn on February 18, 2016, 12:15:42 PM
Hello everyone.
My name is Aiden. I'm FtM; 29 years old; and I live in south Texas, USA.
I'm brand new to everything. My whole life I've never fit into the "female" mold. My mom always said I was a tomboy. I always wanted to play with my brother in sports, with GI Joes, cars; basically all the typically "boy" stuff. I have 2 sisters as well and even if I did play with Barbies I always played with the male doll. I can remember feeling more like a boy even then.
Through the latter part of elementary school, while the boys and girls we starting to notice each other and being "boyfriend and girlfriend," I found myself being attracted to girls. My first crush was on a girl. My parents never talked about that kind of stuff, so I never grew up feeling like my feelings for girls was unnatural, but I could just sense that it wasn't "usual." I forced myself to try to like boys but I never felt any attraction to them. I never went on any dates with boys.
By high school we finally got internet at home, which exposed me to information that helped me realize things about myself. I was completely oblivious to what sexuality even was, so when I found out what it meant to be lesbian, I thought that explained why I liked girls, so that's what I identified as. It still didn't feel like it quite fit, but it was all I knew, so I just accepted it as is.
My first girlfriend (still a good friend) was great. I had just turned 17 when we started dating. She put up with my angsty BS. We had a lot of deep conversations and every now and then we would discuss gender. She confessed to me that she had wanted to be a guy at times. Talking about it made my feelings come to surface and I confessed that I felt the same, but while she was okay with her feelings, for me it was terrifying. The whole subject upset me and I felt like I couldn't actually admit that I wasn't really a girl. I had spent half my life being totally oblivious and when I started to acknowledge it, it frightened me. I looked up with being transgender meant and I knew that was me, but it felt so taboo that I didn't dare tell anyone else. From then on I suppressed how I really felt and just settled with being a lesbian.
Dreams of being a guy still persisted. I tried to keep my feelings squashed into a tiny box. As I got older, the box became impossible to keep closed. Throughout the years I kept coming back to searches of "transgender," still wondering if that's what I was. It all came to a head a couple of months ago. How I really felt started to conflict with my denial to the point that it would cause me a lot of stress and affected my depression.
I started to do more research about it. I felt like maybe I was just imagining things because other trans people seem to always say they've always known, even when very young, that they were trans. I can't say the same for myself, so I just kind of felt... broken.
I started talking to my good friend and she admitted she suspected it. I talked to my ex and she reminded me about the conversations we used to have about it. They were something I had totally forgotten about (or blocked), but it helped me make sense of things. I started to realize that it wasn't a phase or part of my imagination. I started to realize and accept that I am trans.
I began going to therapy to get my HRT letter and have been on that track for about a month now. I'm more than ready to start T and my therapist has hinted I'm close to getting my letter. I just need to find a doctor. I'm so happy to finally be on this path and to have so many wonderful resources at my disposal.
My name is Aiden. I'm FtM; 29 years old; and I live in south Texas, USA.
I'm brand new to everything. My whole life I've never fit into the "female" mold. My mom always said I was a tomboy. I always wanted to play with my brother in sports, with GI Joes, cars; basically all the typically "boy" stuff. I have 2 sisters as well and even if I did play with Barbies I always played with the male doll. I can remember feeling more like a boy even then.
Through the latter part of elementary school, while the boys and girls we starting to notice each other and being "boyfriend and girlfriend," I found myself being attracted to girls. My first crush was on a girl. My parents never talked about that kind of stuff, so I never grew up feeling like my feelings for girls was unnatural, but I could just sense that it wasn't "usual." I forced myself to try to like boys but I never felt any attraction to them. I never went on any dates with boys.
By high school we finally got internet at home, which exposed me to information that helped me realize things about myself. I was completely oblivious to what sexuality even was, so when I found out what it meant to be lesbian, I thought that explained why I liked girls, so that's what I identified as. It still didn't feel like it quite fit, but it was all I knew, so I just accepted it as is.
My first girlfriend (still a good friend) was great. I had just turned 17 when we started dating. She put up with my angsty BS. We had a lot of deep conversations and every now and then we would discuss gender. She confessed to me that she had wanted to be a guy at times. Talking about it made my feelings come to surface and I confessed that I felt the same, but while she was okay with her feelings, for me it was terrifying. The whole subject upset me and I felt like I couldn't actually admit that I wasn't really a girl. I had spent half my life being totally oblivious and when I started to acknowledge it, it frightened me. I looked up with being transgender meant and I knew that was me, but it felt so taboo that I didn't dare tell anyone else. From then on I suppressed how I really felt and just settled with being a lesbian.
Dreams of being a guy still persisted. I tried to keep my feelings squashed into a tiny box. As I got older, the box became impossible to keep closed. Throughout the years I kept coming back to searches of "transgender," still wondering if that's what I was. It all came to a head a couple of months ago. How I really felt started to conflict with my denial to the point that it would cause me a lot of stress and affected my depression.
I started to do more research about it. I felt like maybe I was just imagining things because other trans people seem to always say they've always known, even when very young, that they were trans. I can't say the same for myself, so I just kind of felt... broken.
I started talking to my good friend and she admitted she suspected it. I talked to my ex and she reminded me about the conversations we used to have about it. They were something I had totally forgotten about (or blocked), but it helped me make sense of things. I started to realize that it wasn't a phase or part of my imagination. I started to realize and accept that I am trans.
I began going to therapy to get my HRT letter and have been on that track for about a month now. I'm more than ready to start T and my therapist has hinted I'm close to getting my letter. I just need to find a doctor. I'm so happy to finally be on this path and to have so many wonderful resources at my disposal.
Title: Re: Helloooo
Post by: Laura_7 on February 18, 2016, 12:26:54 PM
Post by: Laura_7 on February 18, 2016, 12:26:54 PM
Hello and welcome *hugs*
I'd say ask questions if you have any ...
take part ...
and there is also a chat on susans ...
Maybe you could find a doc here:
https://www.google.co.nz/?gws_rd=ssl#q=transgender+doctor+texas
Just do your due diligence and look up more about a certain doc then .. I'd say ...
You might also ask at plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or at transgender groups.
hugs
I'd say ask questions if you have any ...
take part ...
and there is also a chat on susans ...
Maybe you could find a doc here:
https://www.google.co.nz/?gws_rd=ssl#q=transgender+doctor+texas
Just do your due diligence and look up more about a certain doc then .. I'd say ...
You might also ask at plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or at transgender groups.
hugs
Title: Re: Helloooo
Post by: V M on February 18, 2016, 01:16:15 PM
Post by: V M on February 18, 2016, 01:16:15 PM
Hi Aiden :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Helloooo
Post by: TG CLare on February 18, 2016, 05:18:04 PM
Post by: TG CLare on February 18, 2016, 05:18:04 PM
Hello Aiden and welcome to Susan's Place!
A lot of your story sounds just like mine did except we have gone the opposite way, mtf for me instead but I do understand your situation and feelings.
There are a lot of people on here who are just like you and have a lot of experience to draw and learn from that will be glad to help answer any questions you have and to be supportive no matter how far you wish to go or how far you wish to transition, if indeed you even want to go that way. No one says you have to "go the distance" either to be who you are or wish to be.
Take care and good luck and once again, welcome.
Love,
Clare
A lot of your story sounds just like mine did except we have gone the opposite way, mtf for me instead but I do understand your situation and feelings.
There are a lot of people on here who are just like you and have a lot of experience to draw and learn from that will be glad to help answer any questions you have and to be supportive no matter how far you wish to go or how far you wish to transition, if indeed you even want to go that way. No one says you have to "go the distance" either to be who you are or wish to be.
Take care and good luck and once again, welcome.
Love,
Clare
Title: Re: Helloooo
Post by: Devlyn on February 19, 2016, 01:17:35 PM
Post by: Devlyn on February 19, 2016, 01:17:35 PM
Hi Aiden, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm in Boston. I lived and served in El Paso for a couple of years. A lot of people knew they were trans for a long time. A lot of people figure it out later. It was 46 for me. What you feel and what you know inside are what matter. You'll see that as you read and share with the others here. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn