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I decided to do suicide after transition. Iam not sure when i will do it but it will happen. Ive so much reasons for it and transitioning in the late 30s is only something for strong characters. Girls which have many luck or a very good self esteem. Ive nothing of it. All my surgeries had no success, 2 breast ops, my suporn surgery. No results with my HRT!! Ive no power anymore and dont want to have it anymore.

Thanks for reading.
Enjoy yor transition if you can.

sorry

I understand what you are feeling but you need to talk about your feeling with a therapist. The transition isn't easy and even I had to face job loss and problems caused by the transition. It took time but I was able to overcome those problems and went on to live a happy life. You are feeling down now but it can be fixed and anyone who had the strength to deal with the transition has the strength to find the life you deserve.

It sounds like you are in a very bleak place at the moment. I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the results of your transition and surgeries. Is there a particular reason you are so upset with them. As Dena suggests, talking about this with a counsellor would be a great starting place towards a happier more fulfilled outcome and path than the one you are suggesting.

I already talked to all this doctors. No one could give me any reasons why i had no luck. It happen they say. It happen. I still have no breast. After 2 surgeries. Whats going up there. Do i booked all the sad and wrong things? After SRS all of my little hair began to fall out. Why that? Iam 6 month post now and get acne now. My whole back is full of it. My hair is getting fatty after a few hours. Whats that now. I cutted my gonades and my body is terrorized by androgens????

The body will continue to produce male hormones from other locations for a while after surgery. Sometimes you need to remain on blocker for a while after surgery while the body stabilizes. You need to have an Endo check all of your hormone levels male and female to determine if this is the problem. It will stabilize over time and should drop to feminine levels.

As for the implants, it sounds like they leaked. It may be a defect in the brand or something else. The doctors should have examined the old ones and determined why they leaked. The problem could have been caused by the using the same implant in both surgeries.

My bloodlevels are very good. No signs of to much androgens.

At the second surgery, i wanted round implants. But he used the implants of the first surgery. I had a small B Cup after that 2 surgeries.

I don't know. I am not a doctor but it sounds like your body may still be adjusting to the new hormone balance. Hormones are handled far differently than when I transitioned and it seems like the post surgical response can be different as well. I will have to think about that a bit more.

I don't have a clue what your doctor was thinking. If he reused the old implants, he must have only adjusted the fluid levels in the implants. The amount he could adjust your size would be limited by the implant. Here in the United States we would probably sue the doctor for not delivering what we ask for. I don't know how it works in your country when a doctor preforms surgery and fails to deliver what was promised.

I am going to have to continue this discussion tomorrow because it's mid night were I am and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Others may continue this thread while I am sleeping.

Look at the pretty girls in the threads here. I never wanted to be model, only part of here or elsewhere in th net. Where people come together and give you a thumb. I posted several pics here and got 1-2 responses. Iam not pretty or attractive. Iam ugly. For all time. I hate to be ugly.

I'm don't want to disagree with you , but I know I've tried my best to convey to you every time I've seen your picture how pretty you are.my faith doesn't allow me to lie or exaggerate .

No one gave me any feedback. Not here,  not on facebbook, not everywhere else.
It makes no sense.

I know it can be frustrating not getting a response from a pic but that doesn't mean your not pretty at all. Sometimes some photos don't get comments or get buried. It isn't an indication of anything. I have placed many a photo and haven't had a word said and then I have places photos that get me comments everywhere, including PM, raving about the picture. I know things sometimes go wrong and that can be terribly frustrating, but there are things that can be bone. As Dena mentioned, there can be flows with implants and that I would contact them. I'm sure there is something that can and should be done about that. we are here for you. Big Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: galaxy on February 23, 2016, 01:39:44 AM
Look at the pretty girls in the threads here. I never wanted to be model, only part of here or elsewhere in th net. Where people come together and give you a thumb. I posted several pics here and got 1-2 responses. Iam not pretty or attractive. Iam ugly. For all time. I hate to be ugly.

Comparing yourself to others or hoping that the validation of others will make you "ok" is never going to work. The one person who has to accept you is yourself, sounds like you are struggling with that.

girllllllll there's so much more to life than getting likes and being pretty! omg I would never commit suicide even though I am not super happy with myself or anything, if I wanted to commit suicide I would do it in another way: change my attitude, change my life, move to a different country, start a new life or something like that. you could move to another city and get so many new friends or new positive influences, OR you could just change your attittude, let it go and it will all come your way, at the right time. but its all your choice, its your life, be strong and if you can't, you still have to get through it, because you never know where you will be in 10 years!

Hi Galaxy,
I am sorry that you are struggling now, but everything will improve in time, however if you take the irreversible step of ending your life, you will rob yourself of of ever knowing what will come, and you will cause so much pain to your family and friends. My first fiancé' died of an overdose, after we broke up, and I was so heartbroken, that I was unable to fall in love with anyone else for 12 years after her death.  You seem like an awesome and caring person, and it would be devastating to all of us if you ended your life.  You are still young, and even though you may not think so; you are pretty. There is so much to live for, so please do not let anyone, not even yourself rob you of what this beautiful life has to offer ❤️😊

Hi galaxy, Anaesthetic messes your body up, causes hair loss. You should be coming right soon. If you go from having a blocker to not using them after srs it can feel like there's more T in your system because what little there is can now be used by the body. It will probably settle down but like others have said you can go on blockers after srs.

post op depression is real Hug. Hope you feel better soon

*hugs*

Would you mind using an avatar picture for one or two days so people can have a look at it and give some tips and appreciation ?

Can you do a few things in the meantime to lift mood ? Doing a few things you like... enjoying a walk ...


*hugs*

I haven't posted in your thread for nearly a day because I was busy in my morning and because I was reviewing many of the posts you have made in the year and a half you have been on the site. I needed to do this because I have only been on the site about half that time and haven't really gotten to know you. I have discovered that you have had depression dating back to the time you joined the site. You are now post surgical and it appears you may not have had sufficient therapy to deal with this depression. The transition doesn't alway end up as we planed so therapy is important to help us see and live with the truth.

My decision to transition was driven by the fact I could no longer live in a male life. I didn't care if I ended up an ugly scrub woman with no family. If that was the price I had to pay in order to have peace of mind, I would pay that price. I ended up keeping my family and had a far better job than scrubbing floors. I didn't exactly turn out ugly, but much like you, hormones didn't make my body bloom. Five years of estrogen results in about an AA cup size bra. More years gave me an A size bra. Consider the fact I am 6'2" (188 cm) in hight and about 170 pounds (77 Kg) in weight. I don't have much of a figure and with clothes on my body looks pretty boyish. Yes, I knew about breast implants in the early 1980's, but I also knew they weren't trouble free. Between failure and encapsulation I felt they would be a problem I would have to live with in the future and it would be better just to learn to be comfortable with what I had. I accepted my body for what it was and didn't worry about what others though of it. That brought me peace of mind and happiness for many years. All I need to do is recall how uncomfortable the old me was and how I no longer have that pain and it just makes me happy to be alive.

You often talk about death. Sadly for me, 6 people I have known well are no longer alive. Of the 6, the three closest are my father, my brother and my roommate of 30 years. Taking your own life may seem to be a way to escape pain but it causes a great deal of pain for others. This pain might only last a year or two but it can sometimes remain with a person for the remainder of their life. I understand how much you hurt because I came close to taking my own life once. Now after seeing all of the hurt I would have caused, I am glad I didn't and instead found a solution to my problems. I am sure there is a solution for you and the best place to start looking is in therapy. No transition is perfect so we need to find a way to deal with the imperfections. There is a great life waiting for you but you will need to put the work in to find it. 

Galaxy, please... give any decision a day, a week, a month, or a year. Then postpone it again. Sometimes it's all we can do to just make it to the next day. Your life can get better. I've been there.

I tried suicide on two occasions over thirty years ago and after the second failure I had an epiphany telling me that I would never go there again. I became determined to beat this thing once and for all. But 16 months ago my husband told me he was leaving me for a "real woman." Up until then, I wasn't aware that ANYTHING was wrong. We didn't fight and we only had five minor arguments during our entire time together. He was the only person in the world I thought to whom I could tell anything. We'd been together for 24 years. He left me holding a loaded shotgun in my mouth and hid his Harley at the neighbors house while he left for the night in his truck to stay somewhere else. He didn't call or tell anyone that I might kill myself. I sat there sucking on the barrel and sobbing for two hours before I decided to call my mother and tell her to postpone her planned trip to visit me the following week. She could tell that I was upset and I told her that I had a loaded shotgun, that Paul was leaving me, and that I couldn't make it financially. I thought my life was over. She told me, "Honey, if you do this, that bastard will win. He'll get everything you have left." And that's what pulled me out of it. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. So, even though that was not a real suicide attempt, it is probably the lowest I have ever felt in my life. And I will never to THERE again either.

I was forced to quit working by three physicians in 2008 due to physical limitations. I literally can not work my way out of this. I do have a fixed income but inflation will eat that up in fifteen years or so. So, I've developed a financial strategy to move forward. It involves cutting my expenses to the bare bones, paying down the mortgage in the short term, refinancing when the time is right, and then start saving like crazy for when I'll need it down the road.

I know you aren't talking finances here, but finances are the trigger for me to get depressed. If I have jingle in my purse, I'm generally okay. I'm past the pains of transition. But I too was there, where you are once.

I had absolutely no changes from HRT prior to my transition. And I've had not much since. On the morning of my GRS, I wacked off one last time. I had an overwhelming sex drive which drove me absolutely batty. That depressed me on the best day of my life! I had BA in 1986 and they have encapsulated some. I never did develop attractive nipples. But I probably grew a little bit in the following years. My face changed a bit to be more feminine and my skin became softer. I still have a skinny butt made worse by five corrective surgeries from a botched operation on my behind in Chile when I was doing the Mormon cult missionary thang.

There are things about myself that I still don't find attractive. I'm 5'10" but I'm not afraid to wear heels when appropriate. I have broad shoulders so I find tops that look cute on me. Bell sleeves help there. My waist and hips are about the same size. So I've found a brand of jeans that work great for my body shape (thicker waist and narrow hips.) I've posted this before but they are NYDJ. A little pricey but they last a long time. My hair is thinning from age so I've found ways to cut and style it to look nice. I look ghastly in a dress so I don't wear them. I use a light layer of dark shadow blush (brownish) toward my ears and under my jowl. I then smooth it out with a touch of powder the same shade as my skin. This gets rid of some of the old male left in my face. And most importantly, I've lost a lot of weight. I'm probably a bit under where I should be for my height and body shape. My doctors aren't concerned. That helps more than you can ever know. I've found that many women share some of the same physical features if they are skinny.

So, you don't like the way you look. You do have other redeeming qualities though, am I right? You are likely kind, a good listener, generous to others. You probably are a good solid worker and make your own way. Here's the thing. Your appearance won't be an issue down the road. You'll learn to accept what you have. Your other qualities are what matter in the long run. People will value for who you are and not what you look like. Good looks are a shallow excuse for a husband to leave his loving wife and commit adultery.

I've known other trans women who have offed themselves. I knew others who were beaten to death or died from AIDS. All were a great loss to me even though we weren't the best of friends. The world would have been a better place with them in it for many reasons. Some of them were very pretty. But their value was not based on their looks.

You are unique. The fact that you were born in the first place means you are a winner. Think of how many hundreds of those little spermatozoa were competing for that egg. You were the one that beat all the others. Yes, A WINNER.

One of the things I learned when I was working on my MBA is the 80/20 rule. The rule is based on the assumption that a whole lot of minuscule problems are in the 20 percent of the sum. That means by solving just a very few problems, you can knock out 80 percent of the total sum. Now the numbers aren't hard and fast. But take an honest look at your life. List your problems. Find the two or three that make up that 80 percent of your mental burden. Put your looks aside for the moment. Work on that 80 percent. Write some goals. Create objectives to meet those goals. Imagine a post it note attached to your forehead with those objectives written on it. Focus on those. You can get through the tough times by focusing and working on these things.

We all feel depressed from time to time. That's what GID is. Very few of us are exempt. It is those feelings that drive us to a better life. We're here to help. Please. Live for us. Learn to cope and share your experiences for the next group of people going through the same thing. Your life will be enriched by the process. And you will save someone else's life. Isn't that worth living for?

Remember... YOU ARE A WINNER.

Chin up, okay?
Hugs.
Cindi

dear Cindi I wouldn't say that was not an attempt.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 24, 2016, 11:58:35 AM
dear Cindi I wouldn't say that was not an attempt.

Perhaps it's just a matter of semantics. Had I pulled the trigger, it would have been an attempt had I just shot the front of my face off and survived. Oh... I am so happy I decided to call my mother.

I still have bad thoughts creep in from time to time. What I do is get online. I come here. Or I go check my bank statements to see how well I'm doing. Good numbers cheer me up. I can see the same numbers for days on end and if they get better by only a few dollars, I get cheesy happy. Am I obsessed? A little. But I know what triggers my sad times and what improves my mood. Meeting my goals and objectives is a positive way to lift my spirits. I suppose there are other ways for different people. But at the base of happiness is achievement of some kind. Some things you can hope for and some you can plan. I choose to plan. And planning to call my mom is now one of my priorities when I'm feeling mushy.

Cindi

I am so sad to read this. :( When we're depressed, we focus so much on the bad things. Sometimes, it's very hard to see the good that does exist in our lives. I implore you (or anyone considering the self-termination route) to reach out for support. No, it's not too much to ask for help.

If you're in the US or Canada you can call Trans Lifeline (http://www.translifeline.org/) for help.

Thanks for yor answers. But my plans are fixed.
This life is not worth to live. In no detail. On the other side. It was a attempt. I was trying it. Nobody can say i wasnt try it. I had and i lose. Thats the game. You set everything on a card a play. Results are open.

Congratulations to all winners outthere.
This is a loser. A alltime-loser.

sorry

Quote from: galaxy on March 13, 2016, 10:50:51 PM
Thanks for yor answers. But my plans are fixed.
This life is not worth to live. In no detail. On the other side. It was a attempt. I was trying it. Nobody can say i wasnt try it. I had and i lose. Thats the game. You set everything on a card a play. Results are open.

Congratulations to all winners outthere.
This is a loser. A alltime-loser.

Hi Galaxy,

I would love to chat with you and get to know you better.

Please don't give up.

My Skype is jacinta_2017 or my email is j_andrews@hotmail.com

I am here for you.

I hope to speak to you soon.

Galaxy don't ever give up. If you didn't want to live, you wouldn't have posted this. Everyone here supports you. Your life isn't a waste. How can you say you lost when the game isn't over?

I know this is morbid but if you don't have any other reasons to live you could consider that people will correctly see your body as female if you wait long enough to make enough changes. I want my corpse to be seen as male by casual observers and that alone has kept me alive long enough to find other reasons to want to be here.

Good luck. Don't forget most people post their very best pictures and people who aren't lucky do their best to minimize their gender discrepancies before posting. It's not as easy for anyone as it looks.

Galaxy, seriously, call that number right now if you're even thinking about committing suicide!

It's never worth it and you ARE worth it!

Also, if it's being pretty you're worried about, find a friend who is good at makeup. This is what I look like without makeup and wig (you also can't see where I'm balding in this shot, although I'm totally balding):

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi729.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fww294%2FLappy9000%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2F20160314_054136.jpg&hash=ab1261f2598118fdfde1ebac3263046e89e3fe45)

Nothing but smoke and mirrors, girl. Make-up is a magical thing. Heck, even the boobs in my profile pic? Pasties and a bra. Just an illusion.

If you're a newbie like I am, do what I did and go to a MAC (or similar company) make-up counter and get swatched to determine your skin type and color tone. The makeup artists there are miracle workers and are great at finding the right formula (and to my understanding, MAC at least, is very inclusive about gender-identity).

I wear make-up when I want to conform to society's views on what a "pretty" woman should look like, not to define myself as a woman. Because I don't need those things to be a woman, because that's simply who I am.

If you don't have any, message me with somewhere you're comfortable for me to send a package to and I'll ship some your way. Or get swatched first so we know what works and I'll try to personalize it to your skin tone.

But please, please don't end your life.

Galaxy, please. We're a bunch of strangers on the internet and even we care enough about you for you to not end your life this way.

Please don't  :'(

Galaxy, reach out and find you a TS, to become close friends. You need another post srs to guide and assist you based on her experiences. Remember the greatest gift for you is to be yourself. Find other options, solutions for your medical/physical issues you arw experiencing. So sorry for your dilemma. Suicide is not your answer. Prayer and love your way.

The point is that i was giving up my complete old life. Transpeople have to do it. I took all my money i safed for later to realise surgeries and other expensive things. I all set these into my poker cache for "gaming" and i always said to myself - you only keep if its good.

And then, the last years, i got problem after problem. With my hormones and the blood levels, massivly with my hair, with my bodyshape, my skin, my acne, my breast augementation ... After SRS a lot of new problems. I wished i had never done these damned SRS. My whole blood levels go crazy actually. I never will find peace with that <not allowed>. I had massive hairloss after SRS. Now i take Androcur again. SRS is the total nightmare to me.

My other surgeries ended up with very bad results. My breast looks terrible, same with my nose. Every step to get more feminine was a total desaster to me. Hormones, OPs ... My whole transition is a nightmare and a fight against my body. Ive no power anymore.

And then ... You always see the other girls. With long hair, nice breasts ... Hips, buts. Nice legs and nice, feminine faces. How should i feel? Happy? After losing all? Money, power, dreams, hope, friends ... Theres nothing left. I hoped to have a female body at the end. Something feminine. Only a little, little bit attractive. Transition was my ruin. In every way.

sorry your having such a hard time

Look at here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,179354.1900.html

So much happy faces, beautyful faces, nice bodies. So much changes for everyone.
But not for me. Life is an <not allowed>.

Better a short life than suffering year by year and fading away.

Quote from: galaxy on March 16, 2016, 06:13:47 PM
Look at here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,179354.1900.html

So much happy faces, beautyful faces, nice bodies. So much changes for everyone.
But not for me. <not allowed>.

Better a short life than suffering year by year and fading away.

so where is your picture?

You will find it here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,179354.1860.html

Quote from: galaxy on March 16, 2016, 06:48:41 PM
You will find it here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,179354.1860.html

the photo is backed out

Quote from: galaxy on February 22, 2016, 10:17:07 PM
Me after 3 years and postop

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww2.pic-upload.de%2Fimg%2F29825055%2FIMG_20160223_051334.jpg&hash=43a8d4ac4df58ad3980e6f739abc22f7dad53999)

Sure. Theres nothing to see.
Iam not pretty or anything. Outside people always looking at me. Ive no idea why they do it but it feels not good to me. Maybe they want me for a zoo park.

Quote from: galaxy on March 16, 2016, 05:36:18 PM
I had massive hairloss after SRS. Now i take Androcur again. SRS is the total nightmare to me.

Did Androcur help?

QuoteTransition was my ruin. In every way.

Sorry to hear. :( Maybe, you just need some time off, relax, forget about all this, about you and just live regardless, stop trying to be this or that but JUST BE. :)

Take no offense please if I'm going to be brutally honest here, but I've see the pictures of your face ad body. Your face is very pretty , more feminine than mine and your body has a feminine curve. Your body isn't like Kim Kardashian's body , but not too many girls have a body like that.

Yes Androcur helped. It was the only thing ever had any effect to me.

I cant live this way. My body is a prison. I feel like an animal at the zoo. Dont feed!
Iam very lonely. People dont know how to handle me. Man or woman, freak, whatever ...

I wake up, go to the bathroom, look at me in the mirror and my day is over.
Everyday.

Quote from: stephaniec on March 16, 2016, 08:18:01 PM
Take no offense please if I'm going to be brutally honest here, but I've see the pictures of your face ad body. Your face is very pretty , more feminine than mine and your body has a feminine curve. Your body isn't like Kim Kardashian's body , but not too many girls have a body like that.

Dont know what you mean ...

Quote from: galaxy on March 16, 2016, 08:24:21 PM
Dont know what you mean ...

She means you look female enough to her. She sees you as a success, not a failure.

Quote from: galaxy on March 16, 2016, 08:22:59 PM
Yes Androcur helped. It was the only thing ever had any effect to me.

How so? Can you elaborate on the positive effects?

I think, galaxy, the only one in your way is YOU, you are being your own worst enemy but you don't realize this. Love yourself instead of always degrading and hating yourself. You are who you are. Accept and love her. Can you do that?

I can't give a 100% accurate opinion on your looks because, for that I would need to see you in person, but as far as I've seen on your pics, you look clearly above average for a ciswoman your age. Not less than a 7/10.

I think main problem with your breast was lack of implant volume. If I were you, I wouldn't go for less than 400cc round implants if you want noticeable results being an A natural cup. Why haven't you asked for bigger implants?

Acne and greasy hair/skin (T peaks) are common problems after SRS. You can't stop cold turkey the blockers. Many girls need a minimum AA dose to keep things in place. You should be aware of this BEFORE SRS and be ready for it.

That being said, to me looks like your biggest problem is inside your own mind. Haven't talked to a therapyst? You look like you're being in a negativity self-feed loop: you're just seeing your problems so they become bigger, and bigger, and... eventually all you have is problems and you become overwhelmed by them. Actually you're incapable to see anything good in your life, and that sounds like a lack of serotonin. Did you talk to a therapyst about this? Did you try any self-depressant med? To me, looks like there is a clear chemical inbalance in your head and you need professional medical help. Ask for it.

Im not gonna tell you what to do with your life. Its your life, your right. But to me neither the problem nor the solution are difficult to figure out: therapyst + depression meds/therapy.

Please try and get help to see yourself in the light that we do Galaxy, we have only talked a bit, but you seem me as a smart person, and very committed to doing what it took to transition. I think you can overcome this, and that you can see your way past the darkness and find a way to thrive as the woman you are. Therapy would be the first potential solution that would come to my mind, but there might be other ways too.

I like you Galaxy, I hope you decide to stick around.

I'm afraid you wont understand me. Its not a decision in anger, in pain or in tears. I decide to go with a cool head, a clear mind. Its a more rational decision. It makes me more free to know that i dont have to life with all that.

Transitioning was making my life very complicated - mostly in visible things. Hair, face, body ... I'm a man living as a woman and thats a allday challenge. You cant relax - nowhere, notime. Youre under stress around the clock 24/7. Simple standing up, picking up the parcel from the mailman - thats not possible. I need min. 1 hour to get ready for going outside. And in the fall of the day youve hundert of these complicated things.

I love shopping, but its a desaster everytime. I never find anything fits to my body. No jeans, no skirt, no dress, no shirts. Ive a male body and female clothes are made for females, not for men. So every shopping tour turn into a horrortrip. I love going to rock concerts - sure i try to enjoy the last things left. But even men has mostly longer and thicker hair at concerts then me. Result are tears or i get drunk at this night.

Every place in my life is "infected" by these damned male/female things. I cant do anything without get remembered that i'm not female. Thats soooooo exhausting. My goal was to be a simple girl without these problems. If youre forced to check 24/7 if youre looking a bit like a female, to mask all your male things, like hairloss and male hair pattern, bread, body hair, your shape, breasts ... it needs soooo much power. You cant have sooo much power every day. Its totally impossible. And after all these effort you dont look good or beautiful, but a substandard middle age with male features.

At least i dont want to live forever a life that is sucking so much power everyday that theres nothing left for other thing like friends, music, hobbies.


P.S. I had two breast surgeries. First one with around 300cc and a A cup, second OP with 440cc and a little B now. Ive no money for a third OP.

Stop caring so much about how you look or how others perceive you. Go out there, live, do the things you love and enjoy life. You are too absorbed with yourself and this is what is hurting you. Don't aim for perfection or an ideal. Be chaotic, imperfect, whatever but do the things you enjoy. Screw the rest!

Quote from: KayXo on March 17, 2016, 09:30:51 AM
Stop caring so much about how you look or how others perceive you. Go out there, live, do the things you love and enjoy life. You are too absorbed with yourself and this is what is hurting you. Don't aim for perfection or an ideal. Be chaotic, imperfect, whatever but do the things you enjoy. Screw the rest!

Like i wrote above. Its not possible with the wrong body. I can't enjoy life in the wrong body. I'm no man, i'm a woman - inside. And transition means to me "changing". Its all about how someone look. Only that matters in a transition. Nothing else.

Quote from: galaxy on March 17, 2016, 10:14:39 AM
Like i wrote above. Its not possible with the wrong body. I can't enjoy life in the wrong body. I'm no man, i'm a woman - inside. And transition means to me "changing". Its all about how someone look. Only that matters in a transition. Nothing else.

In the words of Anderson Cooper when discussing is own brother's suicide:

"I used to think suicide was a conscious act. A plan made, then carried out. I know now it's not always like that. My brother was a sweet young man who wanted to be in control. In the end, he simply wasn't. None of us are. We all dangle from a very delicate thread. The key is not to let go."

A family member of mine tried to commit suicide about 5 years ago. It was a difficult time for her, & us. Eventually she made it through, because she found something to hold on to & not let go. You should try doing the same, but make it something other than just transitioning. Part of the issue with transitioning is that we all want the perfect body, but it's not always obtainable. Just have to find something else in your life to give you purpose, besides transitioning. May not be easy, but it's much better than the alternative (death).

Also, you should try speaking with a therapist, & doing some reading of your own. I've suffered from mild melancholy over the years, & I've found that reading about others that have successfully dealt with it has helped me. Lincoln's melancholy is a good book for that.

When life for me would have a different main significance than that of being a woman, I would have remained a man. I mean, i love music, making music, listening to music, going to concerts ... but hobbies and passions couldnt compensate the good feeling to live in the right body and feel freedom in all aspects. Being my own prison is the worst thing i could imagine. I'll never be what I am. There is nothing that could unleash me. Thats the point.

I'm a prisoner. For all days. You cant compensate captivity with anything. Thats impossible.

Quote from: galaxy on March 17, 2016, 10:14:39 AM
Like i wrote above. Its not possible with the wrong body. I can't enjoy life in the wrong body. I'm no man, i'm a woman - inside. And transition means to me "changing". Its all about how someone look. Only that matters in a transition. Nothing else.

You are a WOMAN, regardless of your body. Your body doesn't define you. Take a leap of faith and go out there despite what is going on with your body. Meet new people, live! You might find out things that surprise you but you refuse to do so, you are closing all the doors. Your excuse is...I can't live until I have this or that...maybe you are just afraid of living and that is a excuse, of moving forward...going out there despite the problems might reveal something to you, you need to take a chance, change patterns, change activities instead of remaining within this closed circuit of self-defeating talk and behavior. Force yourself to do so...it's not easy but possible. Ask someone's help, don't close off yourself to the world. Open yourself to the world, be totally vulnerable! :)

Quote from: galaxy on March 17, 2016, 11:40:50 AM
Being my own prison is the worst thing i could imagine. I'll never be what I am. There is nothing that could unleash me. Thats the point.

I'm a prisoner. For all days. You cant compensate captivity with anything. Thats impossible.

Is the prison your body or YOUR MIND?

A human is a symboisis between mind and body. Thats what make us humans. Your body is the home for your mind. And the mind feels good if you care about your home. Keep it healthy. In my case my home is not the right one. My mind was put into the wrong home. And my mind feels could and fair. Thats not my home. Ive no home. I'm homeless and prisoner of any wrong one. I wished to get free. Freedom waits in infinity.

The only thing that waits in infinity is death, not freedom.

I don't know what else to say to help, other than to echo what others have said and suggest that you go to a good therapist.

My offer still stands, btw. I just got new makeup and I'd love to send you some and exchange beauty tips ;)

I'm 67 and going to be 68. I started HRT 3 plus years ago and had my srs, ffs and ba, 2 months ago. Wow, what would I give to transition at 30, but I made the best of it and have found peace ...something few people achieve. I see myself as lucky to be able to live two lives in one lifetime.

I was also learned from my therapist Carl Bushong that I could suffer post surgery depression a few weeks after surgery and if i did i needed to address this  as it does not go away sometimes.. I luclkly never did.

I chose to live in Bangkok because there is complete acceptance of us here....its been amazing...

Life is a rare and wonderful experience...I'm a bhuddist and I know I have to fully live this life to come back and be enlightened.

Quote from: galaxy on March 18, 2016, 07:59:36 PM
A human is a symboisis between mind and body. Thats what make us humans. Your body is the home for your mind. And the mind feels good if you care about your home. Keep it healthy. In my case my home is not the right one. My mind was put into the wrong home. And my mind feels could and fair. Thats not my home. Ive no home. I'm homeless and prisoner of any wrong one. I wished to get free. Freedom waits in infinity.

Galaxy you are in a country where everything is regulated.

Where there is additionally pressure to perform. People are afraid.
Look at the wordwide economic system.
There is an untenable system being more and more replaced by nations peacefully demanding more equality.
There are now institutions like the A I I B wich will funnel money more to the advantage of all involved.
Its the first time in recorded history that prices for all resources go down towards more and more printed paper (currency).
This is completely impossible unless there are people trying to fix the economies.

There are additionally many wonderful inventions just waiting to be released, detached from financial interests.
If you work in the technical field you will agree that there are many things simply not on the market because of financial interests.

Have some hope this situation eventually will be resolved. There are many people and nations willing to peacefully make it better, to the advantage of all people.

The situation as it is now will not go on forever.
Hold on one more day ... then another one ... then another one ...

and try to surround yourself with people who give you a good feeling, if necessary online. There are chats and other means of communications.

And you might try to get away from your country from time to time.
Bordering countries like France and the Netherlands are much more laid back. You might make a few trips there from time to time.
Maybe you can integrate some of their lifestyle, or make some friends there.

*hugs*

Nowadays as far as I know and being told, I am read as a woman. 99% of the time. The 1% of the time, few times a year I am misgendered... it stings. It hurts and can bother me for days.

As someone who, if I believe all you are saying is true, I can understand the struggles you go trough. Day in, day out. I cannot and will not sugar coat the situation saying all will be fine since I never seen you and respond according to your concerns and thoughts.

I do altho want to say I really respect and admire your guts to go trough your own struggles and to keep fighting to be you. We need more people around like you.

Quote from: galaxy on March 18, 2016, 07:59:36 PM
A human is a symboisis between mind and body. Thats what make us humans. Your body is the home for your mind. And the mind feels good if you care about your home. Keep it healthy. In my case my home is not the right one. My mind was put into the wrong home.

You've just described GID - the key is to acknowledge it (you have) and then just do the best you can with it.  Some will do better than others and you can't compare your results, because each has their own path.  Ultimately it's just a matter of moving forward one bit at a time!

My decision is fixed. Thank for helping. But it fixed.
See you on the other side.

Quote from: galaxy on February 23, 2016, 01:55:28 AM
No one gave me any feedback. Not here,  not on facebbook, not everywhere else.
It makes no sense.

Just because you don't get feedback doesn't mean people don't find you beautiful. Besides true beauty if from within I mean physical beauty is a fickle thing and not the be all end all. Looks always fade but the beauty of the soul never does.

Beauty is like a teapot, with time cracks come in ,the nice smooth surface get brown.
Inner beauty stay.

No, don't do that... Whenever there is life there is hope. At least you have  finished SRS, and became the real yourself. Everything can change as time passes by. So enjoy yourself and  be hopeful. Hope to see you later.

通过我的 TCL P332U 上的 Tapatalk发言

Oh please please dont do that !!!!!
Life will get better and and there are a lot of people which support you in this world, sometimes it seems senseless but life is good and if you just concentrate on the small beautiful things in this life, everything gets better!!!!!
kisses from germany

Quote from: galaxy on February 23, 2016, 01:39:44 AM
Look at the pretty girls in the threads here. I never wanted to be model, only part of here or elsewhere in th net.

I have not read the whole thread but I feel I need to respond ASAP as this is from about 2 months ago...  I hope you are are still here ...

I think I have some idea where you are coming from... and I know it's possible to get through...

I transitioned at 42 and am now 60... The reason I did it so late was because i did not think I ever had any chance to be seen as a "normal" woman... And then when things got so bad that that I had to try anyway, HRT had minimal results on me, which was really hit me hard... After a year and a half on HRT I saw older guys jogging that had more breast tissue than me... and I also had very little fat redistribution.... But I went ahead and had SRS anyway because I did not see a viable alternative....

Then After SRS I found an endo that would prescribe high levels of estrogen to try and get more of a result... but it did not change anything... and I was thinking that no matter what I felt that it was never meant to be and maybe it even meant I was never transsexual despite what I felt in childhood and as an adult and what I wanted/needed so much...

All of that put me in a bad place that as very hard to come out of and tended to push people away... But instead of giving up I did what I could... I lost a lot weight (which did not stay off), I had implants ( the idea of which i hated because I want it be be ME and not 'fake')and FFS.

I won't say I got what I always wanted but it made my life reasonable...To this day it still makes me wistful and a little sad for myself to see those who got to where I wanted to go and never could, but I'm in a lot better place emotionally than I was before

I don't know if you can afford the other surgeries (and a BA can be fixed if done wrong- but go to an expert in it) but they can help... If you can't afford them now that does not mean you never will...

I don't know if you have anybody in your life but that can help too ... Although it was a double edged sword in some ways, my spouse stayed with me through it all so I was not alone and that helped... I also kept my job through transition and surgery and beyond so that helped too...

Where there is life there is hope... Please don't give up. You don't need perfection to be happy and things can get better. Maybe HRT will work better for you in the long run... I have seen that with some people... and if not as I said there are other ways to make things better...

We all go through so much, all of this is so hard in so many ways but most of us do get to a place that is better than before even if not perfect... You have had the courage to made it this far, please try and find the strength to keep trying to get to a place you can live with... You ARE worth it.

One more thing... Often we are not the best judges of how we look (I have always relied on the reactions of strangers). I have met some who IMO looked very good but they thought they were read all the time ... So please don't just live in your own head... and being around other people when depressed often tends to help too... So see your fiends  and do things with them ... sitting home and feeling bad about yourself will only make you feel worst no matter what.

- Karen

I dont leave because things are hard, i leave cause its no longer worth it.

This really breaks my heart to hear someone feel this sad and hate themselves that much. I can emphasize as I felt that way once and was close to suicide on multiple occasions. How much sleep do you get? How is your diet? do you exercise? Do you hydrate a lot? how about USP endorsed multivitamin/mineral complexes and getting your omega 3s. So many thing matter more than what only doctors have to say. Feminization happens better the more the hgh you have. Get 8= hours a sleep drink 1-2 gallons of water a day, take your spiro with high fat it absorbs better, drink grapefruit juice as it increases time available of estrogen in bloodstream. I don't know about implants as I will never get them anywhere. Things can work it will be an overall life experience and choice change. My diet has also went a little 180 since hormones and I always give into my craving usually healthy until my body says it is enough... that's the key to youth and beauty. Please make it work maybe implants can negate regular cellular growth. It really is horrible that people ABSOLUTELY PUSH implants down transwomens damn throats. It is not always needed. There are natural breast enhancements like Naturaful breast cream, and even simple things like giving yourself breast messages. There is also body feminization workouts that really help put the hips on as well as changing ones posture to fem in every way forces the body and tendons to change around your movements. There are plenty of things left to try.

Please don't kill yourself try hoping some more and research, research how to better things. I spent 2 years of in depth endocrinological, dietary, exercise, physiological research before starting hrt.

Quote from: Magicka on May 12, 2016, 11:28:31 PM
take your spiro with high fat it absorbs better

She doesn't take Spiro.

Quotedrink grapefruit juice as it increases time available of estrogen in bloodstream

She takes estrogen non-orally, I think. Grapefruit has much less effect taken this way but may have an adverse interaction with other medications/supplements she may be taking. Always check with doctor.

QuoteIt really is horrible that people ABSOLUTELY PUSH implants down transwomens damn throats.

No such thing and some women have had good results on them. :)

QuoteThere are natural breast enhancements like Naturaful breast cream

Has not been shown clinically to give results. Most likely a scam, be careful.

Well it seems I mistook her anti androgen she takes. As for naturaful it most likely has some effect whether negligible or potent is another matter. Herbs do work though slowly. I was on herbs before my reg hrt and within 6 months of Spearmint Tea, Saw Palmetto, Licorice Root, (not allowed), Fenugreek Lactation for Mothers Formula(made my actually oil out of my boobs) etc and I noticed breast growth, thinner upper waist, widened hips, facial fat changes and more youthful appearance overall in tadditionoticing o ndy odor  mens bomore. I can't really say for sure whether those physical changes and feelings were placebos, magic tricks, hallucinations, optical illusions, mirages, or were really happening I guess.... lol, because a doctor did not tell me if I changed in appearance or tell me if I felt different. Sarcasm aside I don't need a doctor to pull me on a leash and tell me everything and babay me like I cant care for myself. Heck, they are the ones that developed the dangerous hormones and medications they prescribed to people for ages that countless class action law suits are made precisely for. Doctors can't cure arthritis, ms, cancers amoung many other things. Now I don't hate doctors no way but they don't guide my every health choice by any means.

Mod Edit- Certain substances are not to be discussed per site policy.

Like i said. There's no option left. I got so many problems after SRS. It was the biggest mistake in my life. Its over, theres no way out. Things went wrong, that's life.

I was looking at some of your old posts to see if you posted a picture... but the only one I saw was just a black rectangle... Did you take it down?

I know some that have seen your picture said you looked nice... but I know what TSes say to each other about looks can over optimistic...

That said if your issue is looks, I can guaranty you that there are generally satisfied post-ops who look much worst than you do ... Same with op issues...

Over the years I have met some I am sure you are better off than...

In fact  I bet I look worst than you do... and if you looked like I did "before" you might not have even tried.

It's up to you to find a way to live a satisfying, if not a perfect/idyllic, life... and you can do it if you just learn to accept and work with what you do have. it is possible ... but you have to want to have that life.

It took me a long time to resign myself to what I could not change... but I eventually did it, and you can too... 

The best advice anyone here can give you is that you need to find a good therapist ASAP and spend some quality time with them.

Quote from: galaxy on May 15, 2016, 09:16:33 PM
Like i said. There's no option left. I got so many problems after SRS. It was the biggest mistake in my life. Its over, theres no way out. Things went wrong, that's life.

I'm terribly sorry you feel so bad. :'( Are you certain everything went wrong after srs? Maybe your liver needs a good detox, or your system needs to be cleansed and refreshed you know. How many sources are seeking health help from. You have to have a branching of medical and overall health aid. An md is fine for their allopathic reductionism practice. However, you can benefit from other typed of providers as well. Thyroid issues can cause hair loss, hormonal unbalance, and general fatigue and feeling unhealthy. Not just the testes and ovaries but other organs release hormones as well albeit most are basically digestive related. The adrenal gland produces some though little male hormones. All I want to say is that there is surely a way to help yourself, if as you say post-srs is when things mostly started going down the tubes for you. I hope your surgeons didn't make a mistakes somehow :( ??? Implants can leak toxins into the body if there is error in procedure, though rare as that situation is.

If you do decide to kill yourself, I hope you reincarnate into a happy, lovely, beautiful girl in your next life.

Quote from: galaxy on May 15, 2016, 09:16:33 PM
Like i said. There's no option left. I got so many problems after SRS. It was the biggest mistake in my life. Its over, theres no way out. Things went wrong, that's life.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I'm not going to tell you what to do, or say you can't or shouldn't give up. If nothing really matters and you have fixed plans to end your life, go outside without any preparation. Visit places to accomplish a few things on your bucket list. Skydive, bungee jump, hitchhike, go mountain climbing, or maybe hike a 1000mile trail. Have some fun, and get rid of or cover any and all mirrors. Live for one month without mirrors, doing adventurous stuff outside. You can do it with other people or by yourself.

What do you have to lose? If you feel the same after, you can still go through with it.

I spent a hundred hours by trying to solve my problems. I had many hormonal problems before SRS and after it i got a dozen new. My whole life contains hormone problems and postop-pain only. Alone the fact that my hair isnt getting longer than 10-12" is a headshot. Youre dreaming 30 years of having long hair like the girls and now it doesnt grow. And the best is: no one knows why. Ive a dozen of such problems and no doctor knows why. Iam still in pain 9 month after SRS, i cant do any excercise, no bicycling, no travels, no long walks...  nothing. 24h pain a day.

Its enough. Nobody can handle that on a long time.
I dont want to live that nightmare.

It's not about passing, there's a non passing trans woman who lives in 1 of my towns many war zones. She's overweight, has thinning greying hair, a harsh raspy voice from years of smoking, drives a ratty old Ford with different coloured doors & other panels. People love her, she's cheery with a smile constantly on her face.
I'm in a lot of pain with sciatica, celulitis, arthritis &  a leg ulcer. I did something I've wanted to do for many years, I bought a Harley Davidson Sportster. I hadn't ridden a bike for nearly 30 years, I took a refresher course & now visit places that were previously out of reach. I've also discovered an interest in museums, art galleries & historic buildings  due to riding my bike & mixed with everyone from a bad ass to a bishop. Today I went to Southport, went bird watching on a bird reserve, went to a transport museum in Leyland & saw a new island off the coast at Fleetwood. Had lunch with a 1%er bike club member & his wife at the diner in the Harley Davidson dealers in Preston.
If I had commited suicide like I wanted to 3 years ago when Mum died I would have missed this.

Like you say... nobody on this planet needs to be a woman. Thats all not nessecary to be happy.

This life sucks so much.
I wish i would be a man again. It was so much easier.

I'm sorry you have so many problems especially with pain. Pain is my worse enemy. I have terrible Rheumatoid arthritis  and have such great fear of flu season every year because the pain is horrendous when I get a bad virus, my immune system can't tell the difference between me and the virus. I hear you with the pain, so many days I've thought about putting an end to the pain and I've come very close and There is always that possibility on my mind because I hate pain when you have no other alternative but to ride it out. It was kind of funny (not really) I went to the emergency room about a month ago because my immune system was attaking my testicles and the whole right hip area. I get to the hospital and they shoot me up with morphine and fentanyl and I'm sitting there waiting for the pain to stop and it didn't and I'm thinking maybe the nurse took it for himself and switched the syringe with salt water. I'm lucky in a sense that the major episode of pain only lasts a couple of days even though I constantly live with pain because of the type of disease I have. So yea I hear you. I don't know why I keep getting up after being knocked down and  out , but for some reason I always think maybe I'll go for another day. The disease I have is very progressive and it's not going to give up so there may very well be that day that I say no more , but so far it hasn't happened. I hope you can find some reason to keep going.

Thanks so much for your help.
But me decision is fixed. See you over there.

Well, what can I say... only that I understand you. And that you're not alone.

I've attempted it twice in the last 3 years. Last month I stood on a railroad, in the pitch black darkness... crying at the stars. Then I saw the tracks glowing, a train approached... but at the last moment I stepped down.

And you know what? no-one can't talk you out of it. I know, because I've been there many times.

But this is what IT has taught me: Life maybe pointless, but death is pointless as well.

Galaxy, if you're still here, congratulations. You win. I hope that is always the case.

Many people on Susan's forum, both male and female, have gone thru very similar trials to what you are facing. As far as I know, being alive is far better than not. But nobody said it was going to be an easy trip. Hang in there. It is worth it.

I am 62 years old now, I didn't start taking hormones till I was in my 30's, I transitioned in my late 30's, got GRS in 1991, and in 1996, I went back to being my fake male role. I stopped taking hormones then, and just started again in August this year.

The reason I tell this to you is that if things are going badly, you can backtrack a little bit like I did, and after all the changes stop, you can take a cooler approach to your issues and go at them again with more experience and knowledge. I started living a male identity again, and although it made me a lot angrier and sadder in the short run, in the long run it may have saved my life. I was like that for a few years too. Don't give up.

Under my clothes, I am what I am. I still have a male body, big on top, little on bottom, and I have a cute little flesh colored mustache that I hate, but I am not producing any male hormones anymore, and that made all the difference in the world. I am a woman, always was and always will be, but just because I dress and act a little more masculine than other women, that doesn't make me male. People look at me, I guess they are just trying to figure me out. That's not my problem anymore, let them figure me out.

If it's taking longer for your hormonal response to flatten out, then let it. Stress is a terrible thing. Don't rush this anymore. Let it take place. Let your body adjust. If you're anything like me, and you are, you will discover who you really are after a few years. You win.

Regarding death, there is no other side. There is no proof of light, thought, memory, not anything.  I hope you are still here, because things can and will turn around. All things take time, and that's the one thing we all have the same amount of.

I hope you're still here, Galaxy.

I'm still here and it seems that I've overcome this acute phase. But i changed my mind and my view in many ways. It also makes no sense to have a rollback or something like that. My fear and enemy is masculinzation in every kind. Thats why iam unhappy. Testosterone and his brother DHT destroyed my body and my life. Thats what iam talking about. And ive problems to live with that. I hoped and prayed that SRS will unleash me from these curse. But the opposite happened. Nobody is able to tell me why. No doctor, nobody. SRS was a big wish to get free and became another curse to me. I'm still in pain over 1 year postop.

And thats the point in summary. Sometime i decided to start my travel. And it was no travel to "become" a woman. It was a travel to understand that iam a man. My body decided not to follow me. In other words i had a transition on the paper only. Yes a transitioned. But only the paper, what i wear - not physically. I needed a long time to understand this and i will need further time to understand it in all aspects. That all will take a long time. To accept that life is a compromise only, not a lucky one, a life in the "right gender". Therefore i had to start 15 years earlier.

I'm sorry you are having these issues, but the problems may resolve in the future, and your body could feminize beyond what you initially hoped for. Stay positive, and believe that this will happen; and focus on doing things that you enjoy!

Galaxy! You're here! Thank you. Going thru what you are going thru should never happen to anyone. I feel a lot like you. Going thru that dark time could take a long time. It's been years now, over 20. Transitioning back to male was a survival response and a bad decision. I don't recommend it. Stay true to who you really are. You are Galaxy.

I'm not that good looking, not really feminine. I felt let down by everything and everyone. Gonadal atrophying never completed, surgery didn't turn out so well, HRT never really took me where I wanted to go. I still have no boobs to speak of. I waxed where I didn't want hair, cute little mustache which I detest notwithstanding,  and if my hair on my head had fell out, I would have got a couple of good wigs. Ultimately, in spite of what seemed to be a failed transition, HRT and GRS, suicide seemed like an option. I felt like that for years. I'm glad I never went thru with it. My life would definitely have been better had I been female assigned at birth, but reality sux all too often.

Things are pretty messed up now, and they will be for the rest of my life. I can live with it. After all, I made these decisions, not someone else. [that may be a little arguable, for a different time  :P ]

Stay with your chosen identity. Continue to be Galaxy. You are probably really good looking compared to me. I won't put my pic here for a while yet. No confidence. Some have said you are good looking, I don't know I haven't seen your pic.

You have already done so much to make your life better. I am really happy for you. Everything takes time. I was impatient as could be for my body to start changing, yet it never seemed to. So I had the GRS. That took several years to settle down. But still waiting. Back on HRT again, things look better, buuuuut, things could certainly be better.

Thing is, I have always felt better after everything than before. I always knew I would be a better woman than a man.

Medically, since I stopped taking any hormones nearly 20 years ago, now I have to deal with osteoporosis and it's ugly little cousin, osteoarthritis.

Stay with the hormones, stay with your new self, learn to love, or at least tolerate, life. You will be on the downhill side of it soon enough.

I was so happy to see you here again, I can't begin to describe it. You made it. You are still winning. Thank you for believing in yourself.

Many hugs, Tanya

Sorry I got so wordy.

Thanks Tanya for your long answer. I thank all peple that answers. But my last posting was no insight that things are going right from now. That's absolutely not the point. A also didnt find a way to get lucky. I never will be lucky!

The point is that ive seemed to find a way to accept things. Some peple have luck and some other dont. That's life. You cant chose which one you will be. The one gets a good a body or somewhat the other one cancer. Earlier or later you find ways to aceept fate or you will break down in pieces. Thats not transition only.

Sure. Its not fair to get nearly all that things people fear when they start their transition: no breast growth or any visible change of the body,no female fat distribution, hair keep falling out even after SRS and body hair growth in a strong way. Chronical pain and no sex after SRS. But like i said. Iam at a good way to accept that iam a loser.

To be a loser is a kind of freedom too. On the point youve to lose nothing more you are really free. Sure i could lose my job, my flat, the little money. And i hate the feeling of beeing losing it. But iam sure i will come over it. Someday i will overcome all my fears. And maybe i will also overcome the fear to lose my last hair or to been recognized as a man.

Thats the point. When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free. I wished i had these insight a little bit earlier.

Hi Galaxy
You figured out a way to play the cards you were dealt.
It won't to be easy. But you sound like you want to play that hand. Good.
Your biggest ally will be patience. Years of it.
You are still relatively young, both in years of life and time in your new life. That is definitely in your favor, big time.
Having all those surgeries is a tremendous, traumatizing shock to your body. The physical reconstruction is painful and time consuming. It may take years for the hormone transition to stabilize, even if you had HRT for years prior to surgery. The psychological change can be daunting, as you have found out.
You can become a stronger woman, and that in itself is where beauty can be found. You don't have to lift forty pounds a hundred times to be good looking. [I just made that up. Pretty good, huh?]
I hope you are ready for that. I think you are.
I de-transitioned back to a male person so I could marry a beautiful woman. She loves me a lot in spite of everything, but if I could do that again, I would not de-transition. That was a BIG mistake.
Stay true to your self, if at all possible.
Keep strong Galaxy.  :icon_workout:   Thank you for being there.

Quote from: galaxy on September 28, 2016, 09:18:46 PM
"Thats the point. When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free."

Exactly.

Thats not a game, Tanya. That's my life. And it sucks. But ive to accept it that iam one of that people whos life sucks. Iam not the kind of people who never fight and say nothing will worth it. I fight all the time. 4 years. Against bad HRT results, against hairloss and since SRS against pain and massive depressions. Everyday i take my sword and goes to my personal battlefield.

And people ask me how iam? How i am? I am alive. Thats my offer. I survived another day. Go to bed, wake up and take my sword. I try to keep my time before mirrors as short as possible. Im my sleeping room ive that kind of big mirror and yes, i wished to find some peace after 4 years but its war. My daily war.

And thats it what ive to accept. My life is war and battle. Not peace or freedom inside. But to accept that iam a loser is another freedom, more space in my mind. When my hair looks crappy i say its okay because iam loser. Losers have grappy hair. Loser have no breast and loser are lonesome.

Like i said. I will find my own peace with that all. Ive to learn that its not good to compare myself to other transsexuals. Its really hard in a time of internet, forums, facebook. Iam not alone. But i should live so.

I'm sorry you go through the things you do. I have my own list of things that any other rational mind would accept for validation of death. Eveyone copes in their own way and my coping mechanism is Jesus.

Galaxy, I'm sorry I made it sound like a game. I know it isn't easy. I have been living my life with this albatross hanging around my neck for over 50 years. I can't give in, certainly not now.

Every day we get up and we have to address each situation as it arises. Sometimes over and over again. Sometimes we get one chance to make the correct decision. Not a game. I live my life like that too. One day at a time. I try cheering myself up with a little humor. I don't try to offend.

If I upset you with my analogy, I do apologize. I am truly happy you are still here.

Losers don't fight, they lose. You fight. You win. You live.

Quote from: galaxy on September 28, 2016, 09:18:46 PMWhen you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free.

I still think you've got it.

Quote from: galaxy on September 28, 2016, 09:18:46 PM
Thanks Tanya for your long answer. I thank all peple that answers. But my last posting was no insight that things are going right from now. That's absolutely not the point. A also didnt find a way to get lucky. I never will be lucky!

The point is that ive seemed to find a way to accept things. Some peple have luck and some other dont. That's life. You cant chose which one you will be. The one gets a good a body or somewhat the other one cancer. Earlier or later you find ways to aceept fate or you will break down in pieces. Thats not transition only.

Sure. Its not fair to get nearly all that things people fear when they start their transition: no breast growth or any visible change of the body,no female fat distribution, hair keep falling out even after SRS and body hair growth in a strong way. Chronical pain and no sex after SRS. But like i said. Iam at a good way to accept that iam a loser.

To be a loser is a kind of freedom too. On the point youve to lose nothing more you are really free. Sure i could lose my job, my flat, the little money. And i hate the feeling of beeing losing it. But iam sure i will come over it. Someday i will overcome all my fears. And maybe i will also overcome the fear to lose my last hair or to been recognized as a man.

Thats the point. When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free. I wished i had these insight a little bit earlier.

Wow sweet girls on this thread
I know how it feels...

I have several chronic illness and several untreatable mental disorders...
I cant transition further then HRT
And there has not been a day in my life that I did not think of dying...since transition 10 years now...there has not been a day I could let go of thinking about being trans

I thank you girls so much for sharing this
It makes me feel less alone

I try to be as honest as possible on this forum ..
No advice or encouragement or protocol really is able to counter lifes' misery...

Only knowing that you are not entitely alone helps me
Allthough im sorry you have to go through simular pain as I did...you are still here with us...and that makes you a hero in my eyes

And it makes me a hero too

Quote from: galaxy on March 17, 2016, 08:00:33 AM
I'm afraid you wont understand me. Its not a decision in anger, in pain or in tears. I decide to go with a cool head, a clear mind. Its a more rational decision. It makes me more free to know that i dont have to life with all that.

Transitioning was making my life very complicated - mostly in visible things. Hair, face, body ... I'm a man living as a woman and thats a allday challenge. You cant relax - nowhere, notime. Youre under stress around the clock 24/7. Simple standing up, picking up the parcel from the mailman - thats not possible. I need min. 1 hour to get ready for going outside. And in the fall of the day youve hundert of these complicated things.

I love shopping, but its a desaster everytime. I never find anything fits to my body. No jeans, no skirt, no dress, no shirts. Ive a male body and female clothes are made for females, not for men. So every shopping tour turn into a horrortrip. I love going to rock concerts - sure i try to enjoy the last things left. But even men has mostly longer and thicker hair at concerts then me. Result are tears or i get drunk at this night.

Every place in my life is "infected" by these damned male/female things. I cant do anything without get remembered that i'm not female. Thats soooooo exhausting. My goal was to be a simple girl without these problems. If youre forced to check 24/7 if youre looking a bit like a female, to mask all your male things, like hairloss and male hair pattern, bread, body hair, your shape, breasts ... it needs soooo much power. You cant have sooo much power every day. Its totally impossible. And after all these effort you dont look good or beautiful, but a substandard middle age with male features.

At least i dont want to live forever a life that is sucking so much power everyday that theres nothing left for other thing like friends, music, hobbies.


P.S. I had two breast surgeries. First one with around 300cc and a A cup, second OP with 440cc and a little B now. Ive no money for a third OP.

I know this topic is old, and I do hope you got the help you needed, but I wanted to add a little something: the problems you mention in terms of body issues are not limited to trans women. Regular, day-to-day women assigned female at birth also struggle with unwanted body hair, unhappiness with their breasts, feeling that clothes wouldn't fit, etc. I've known non-trans women, personally, who had worse problems with body hair than I did. Non-trans women sometimes lose their hair after surgery, too, or when they develop hormonal issues. Non-trans women also have breast implants they aren't happy with. I used to worry that at 5'10 I was "too tall" to ever pass well and that my body frame was too large (though I am really more medium, I know realize) to ever make a convincing female. Then I moved in with a roommate who was a non-trans woman who was almost 6'2. She, too, sometimes had the same problems I did finding sweaters that fit and with clothes designed for shorter women.  At this point I realized that, after years of hormones and a few procedures, I wasn't so different from the scores of other women out there who weren't quite happy with themselves.

I do hope you didn't give up. Tomorrow is another day.