Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Pre-script:

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Post-pre-script:

So, after a long week of work, which included the woman who works at the desk next to mine noticing that there's some breast growth under my shirt (which I only know because she did a kind of a sly look followed by a Buggs Bunny double-take -- sometimes transition is funny!), I had a board-game date with good friends. They're a very accepting married couple who know I'm trans, but they've never seen me present female. At all. In fact, nobody outside my therapist has.

Anyway, in honor of the fact that people like my co-worker are eventually going to start noticing changes, I decided to wear a woman's t-shirt instead of my usual male t-shirt. (I know, big change, right?) I *love* the shirt and I was excited... and nervous... to take it outside the house. I wore a camisole under it so I wouldn't get anything untoward showing through but otherwise just my normal male clothes (woman's pants don't fit me, anyway).

And... it was surprisingly awkward. We fumbled through about ten minutes of conversation, ate, set up the game, etc... and completely ignored the fact that I was wearing a woman's shirt. It's just, everyone was acting really embarrassed. Once we got going, everything slowly went back to normal, and by the end everything was good, until it was time to leave. Then it got a little awkward again.

I don't know how I feel about the whole experience. I mean, it was great to get out presenting a little (a *very* little) more feminine. I feel like I took a big step. I know it was a big step for them, too. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard socially, and I worry about the renewed awkwardness at the end. People are so polite sometimes! I don't know whether they're slowly adjusting to me, or starting to check out of the friendship.

Has anyone else had this sort of experience? What was it like for you?

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People may be a little uncomfortable with you at first but you will over time learn who your real friends are. They will be the ones who stick with you over time and accept the changes you are making.

I haven't had this exact experience, but I'm pretty much an expert at being socially awkward! It's kind of my thing.

I think it's important to not retcon this neutral experience into a negative one. The situation was a bit too intimate to spring that on them, that's all. It was made worse by the fact nobody was enough of a jerk, or brave enough, to point out the elephant in the room and make it okay to talk about. That's become my go-to move when things get too awkward and I can't or don't want to make an escape; abandon all pretenses of tactfulness and drag that sucker right out into the open. Cool people will be glad you broached the topic and made it okay to discuss. Or they will at least do their best to make you less uncomfortable, which makes them less uncomfortable, and things generally improve.

Uptight people will become even more uncomfortable at the emotional vulnerability and honesty. Not everyone's cut out for that sort of intimacy.

But like I said, being super awkward is one of my defining features, so your call if you want to take advice from me :p I'd probably email them or use some other non-intrusive communication method (text, write a letter, etc) to either explain the situation fully, or at least assure them in some way that the awkwardness won't be repeated.

Also, alcohol, if it's an option. It's a social lubricant. You can get away with a lot if you're self confident (which you can get through practice doing things that don't have such a focus on social interaction), or your audience is drunk. Both ways have their advantages.

Thanks for the thoughts! As a fellow awkward turtle I'll gladly take your advice. I probably did spring this on them a little too suddenly. I brought along a male sweater (male sweater? that sounds so weird) and gave them the option, but at that point I was already right there in front of them.

Next time I'll try just talking about it myself. I was so nervous yesterday I couldn't really think of anything to say... But maybe even just asking what they thought of the design would have helped.

I'll be talking to them Tuesday; I'll promise them more advance warning, at least. :) I don't know if I can honestly promise no awkwardness!

As someone who took the all or nothing approach I've never done the partly dressed in a few female items thing. When my shrink suggested, pre-transition and pre-HRT, that I could wear women's undergarments beneath my male clothes I asked him "what would be the point of that"?

Anyway, I'm glad it went well for you despite any awkwardness - I got that with a few people when they first saw me in full-on girl mode so I don't think it is a behaviour specific to semi girl mode. My approach was to try and put people at ease, make a joke, "introduce" myself, whatever... and it was soon a total non issue.

Awesome that you took some steps, baby steps are fine for some of us. I guarantee you that you were the one feeling the most of the awkwardness... we tend to build up this giant scenario of what others are thinking based on what we are feeling inside. I do it every day... but Im slowly learning that its a crock and mostly in our heads. Just keep doing it a little at a time and it will get easier for you, trust me.... it does get easier.

Thanks for the reality check, RitaChans. I do blow little things up into big problems in my head sometimes.

Anyway, here's a question about presenting a little less piecemeal... What do you all do for pants? I'm only 3 months into HRT and haven't seen a huge amount of change in my lower body. I'm about 30" around the narrowest part of my waist, and 38" at the widest point of my hips/butt. Looking at sizing charts, I can't see any jeans that come within 2" of my hip size (if the waist fits) and vice versa.

I cant help with your sizing.... Im a plus size girl... so I dont know much about small stuff

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 28, 2016, 01:30:10 AM
As someone who took the all or nothing approach I've never done the partly dressed in a few female items thing. When my shrink suggested, pre-transition and pre-HRT, that I could wear women's undergarments beneath my male clothes I asked him "what would be the point of that"?

Interesting that you point that out.  I have tried wearing a bra and panties under boy clothes in public and all it did was magnify my dysphoria. 

~Terri

Quote from: MeghanMe on February 28, 2016, 11:46:34 PM
Anyway, here's a question about presenting a little less piecemeal... What do you all do for pants? I'm only 3 months into HRT and haven't seen a huge amount of change in my lower body. I'm about 30" around the narrowest part of my waist, and 38" at the widest point of my hips/butt. Looking at sizing charts, I can't see any jeans that come within 2" of my hip size (if the waist fits) and vice versa.

Womens' pants (and clothing in general) are kind of like alchemy and every manufacturer seems to use a different measuring tape.  I was a 29" to 30" waist in mens' jeans when I started HRT and found that depending on manufacturer I'm anywhere from a 6 to 8 long in womens and a 7 to 9 in juniors. 

I'm Almost 2 years into HRT now and I still wear predominately an 8 but I fill them out a lot better than I did when I started.  Womens pants also have a lot more elastic in them than mens so they're more forgiving due to the stretchy factor.  :)

The best way I've found to get things that fit are to just try them on unfortunately.