Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey guys.  I'm newly trying to figure out what I'm feeling.  I've had feelings towards my body all my life that I thought were just part of living but apparently these are not normal feelings, haha.

I was going to make a post describing what I'm feeling, but can't find the words.  Is there anyone who wouldn't mind describing their own feelings and I can see if I can connect to it?

Like, right now, as I'm sitting here, I can feel my breasts beneath my sweatshirt, and just feeling them makes me uncomfortable, and there's a sort of "ping" in my head that's something like disgust?  I don't know how to describe things...

(I'm dfab, thinking I'm ftm)

There's not always words that will perfectly describe your experiences of dysphoria, the closest terms I have found is a sense of discomfort and an 'unsafe' feeling - although many feelings associated with depression and anxiety also apply.

When my dysphoria is bad, I literally feel like I am trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me. I feel that it just does not fit my brain. I feel disconnected from it and that sometimes turns to hatred.
Even when things are "good", I feel disconnected from the most feminine aspects of my body: breasts, hormonal cycles etc.
Puberty was mother nature's cruel joke on me and back then I hated everything feminine.
The only time I enjoyed being female was when I was pregnant. I still wasn't very feminine but I loved what my body could do.
I consider myself non-binary, a guy who happens to be female. I wear mens clothing but would not pass as a man most of the time. I would like top surgery but will probably never be able to afford it.

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I just feel repulsed when I look at my body.  When I see myself in the mirror, it's like seeing somebody who I don't want to be in the same timezone with and wish I could pretend didn't exist.

I've always dealt with it by just not thinking about it, to the point that I only see those details that I need to deal with.  I think one of the things I liked about having a beard was that when I saw myself in the mirror I couldn't see most of my face, only the beard.  When I shaved it off for good, it took me a long time to see myself and not get grossed out.  Now I look in the mirror and don't see myself any more.  A kind of voluntary prosopagnosia.

My dysphoria has never been overwhelming, which is why it has taken me so long to recognize it.  Much of what I will describe is in hindsight, as I look back and realize that what I felt way back then was dysphoria.

Right now, it is in the form of a persistent feeling that I am living someone else's life.  I feel emotionally numb because, aside from 60+ years, I have nothing invested in that person's life.

In the past, it has taken the form of a feeling of wrongness when wearing men's clothes.  A dissatisfaction at having to live by society's rules.  A longing to be a girl/woman.

The most destructive form has been social isolation: I have never felt that I fit in in any group that I was in.  I don't fit in in groups of men: I feel that I have nothing in common with them.  But being biologically a man, I am not allowed to socialize with women except in a dating/mating context.  The only way I can feel accepted in a group is to be so darned good at whatever activity the group does that they have to accept me whether they like me or not.  That's tiring!

I've spent most of my life trying to put my dysphoria into words, before I try to explain it to cis gendered people I often ask them to describe being happy or sad to someone who's never felt emotions, its close to impossible to describe to someone who's experienced emotions, take away common reference points & the task becomes like chasing rainbows. The closer you get the harder it is to find your goal.

About the best description I can find is this: when I'm relaxed & not thinking about my gender identity I see & think of myself as female (although that statement sort of cancels itself out as if I'm not thinking about my gender identity then how can I see myself as female?).
Then when someone "sirs" me I get this jarring moment when I look at my body and get jolted back to the reality that my body is male, this triggers many emotions such as revultion, shock, depression & self loathing (to name a few).

When I'm forced to take notice of my body I feel disgusted by body & facial hair, I get depressed by the sight of my flat chest (pre hrt I would often "feel" the weight of my breasts only to look down & see I didn't have them, cue depression).
As for what's between my legs, its just wrong, plain wrong.

I doubt this description helps but its the best I can manage.

Pre T it felt like the dysphoria was this constant static noise in my head. I constantly felt self conscious and felt this deep feeling of discomfort when looking at my body. Buying a binder helped lot. I felt simply 'right' and completely happy that I could feel a flat chest. I'm just over 4 months on T and my dysphoria is now a low buzz. Of course the feeling of dysphoria is different for all trans people. Some only have social dysphoria  (being referred to as there assigned gender) and some only have body dysphoria. Some have both. You don't have to 100% hate and loathe your body to be trans. You can simply dislike it and be unable to imagine yourself living in your assigned gender; and still be trans.

I get  super selfconcious when I am having a dysphoria moment. I avoid mirrors so I can't see "him" and if I do see "his" reflection I become really anxious & upset. It is a reminder of many difficult years and it can totally derail my mood instantly. For me, my dysphoria is like a switch. I can be fully comfortable in my skin and enjoying what is happening around me and then the switch flips leaving me a bawling lump of misery until I do something to counter balance my feelings. It is happening less and less but it is there behind the scenes like a hidden viper waiting to strike.

Being uncomfortable and awkward feeling in my own skin. Feeling like I'm buried really deeply inside a body that's not my own. A sort of dark cloud that hangs over my head. Self-hate, and body hate. I hate mirrors, or having my picture taken, or even being looked at.

It's getting better though :)

Thank you to everyone who replied.  I do connect to what a lot of you said.  I've been feeling these things my whole life, but I guess I just thought it was just the way I was, or something.

I can second what KathyLauren said.  I'm 54 and it's taken me 45+ years to recognize an issue.  For me (MtF) I have an overwhelming sorrow/sadness that I do not have breasts and a more feminine face.  A few times per day, I have to stop, take a deep breath and relax or the sadness would just overpower me.

Consider this - for 45 years I wished I was a girl.  Consider a longing for something that is always out of reach and it's been that way your whole life.  My dysphoria has subsided and turned into excitement now that I've started the journey.

Not to sound overly dramatic but my dysphoria takes the form of a deep-rooted anxiety that feels like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a black hole. It goes away almost completely when I put on my makeup and wig, and tends to flare up whenever I interact with people who I haven't told about my gender identity yet, particularly friends and family.

I don't resent my body or anything (although I'm sure I've inflicted some damage by trying, and largely succeeding, to have an hourglass waist), but man I wish I had some hips  :-\

My dysphoria was mostly shame before transition. Like, every girly thing about me was embarassing while at the same time I was trying very hard to be a "real" woman.

Regarding my physical body, my breasts were always a problem. Honestly they might be my only physical problem. Having boobs was like walking around with always-on loudspeakers. They felt wrong. When I noticed them I felt inadequate, emasculated. When guys paid them extra attention it was confusing. When guys liked my breasts it felt like it would feel if somebody praised a rash or a wart.

My dysphoria now since I've had surgeries and name change and been on hormones awhile is almost nonexistent. But what dysphoria I do have is bleak. Like "I'll never be a normal guy" or "if I had a penis everything would be fine and since I don't it never will" or "I'll get raped and murdered any day now because I look like a teenager and act like a sissy" or "my family will never accept people like me" etc. Deep fears and existential garbage.

I'm normally way way better than most trans people seem to be. I like my hips, don't mind my soft skin and small hands, never suffered much with periods, pretty much had it easy.

I am developing a new problem with how nurturing and pacifist I am. That just doesn't work for most men in most situations.

Quote from: Felix on March 14, 2016, 02:24:13 AM
My dysphoria was mostly shame before transition. Like, every girly thing about me was embarassing while at the same time I was trying very hard to be a "real" woman.

Regarding my physical body, my breasts were always a problem. Honestly they might be my only physical problem. Having boobs was like walking around with always-on loudspeakers. They felt wrong. When I noticed them I felt inadequate, emasculated. When guys paid them extra attention it was confusing. When guys liked my breasts it felt like it would feel if somebody praised a rash or a wart.

My dysphoria now since I've had surgeries and name change and been on hormones awhile is almost nonexistent. But what dysphoria I do have is bleak. Like "I'll never be a normal guy" or "if I had a penis everything would be fine and since I don't it never will" or "I'll get raped and murdered any day now because I look like a teenager and act like a sissy" or "my family will never accept people like me" etc. Deep fears and existential garbage.

I'm normally way way better than most trans people seem to be. I like my hips, don't mind my soft skin and small hands, never suffered much with periods, pretty much had it easy.

I am developing a new problem with how nurturing and pacifist I am. That just doesn't work for most men in most situations.

I know it's been said many a time before, but wouldn't it be great if all transgender people could just trade anatomy? I'd love to give you some of my my male parts, if I could (although most would probably pass on my huge gross gollum hands  ;) ).

I wouldn't worry about being pacifist or nurturing. You can be masculine in many ways without changing who you are. Of course, I don't know your situation, so you do you and good luck however you do  ;D

I've found recognising whether I experience dysphoria hard, and I find it hard to accept that what I experience probably is dysphoria as I struggle a lot with feeling like I'm 'faking it'. However, I can vaguely remember (I think it's a real memory) during puberty, sat on the bathroom floor looking at my chest, where it was just starting to grow. I felt strange, and confused, if I remember correctly. More recently, I've struggled to work out if what I feel is really dysphoria, but I got a binder recently, and when I wear it, I can actually run my hands over my chest without feeling grossed out. I can look at myself sideways in the mirror and feel good. And also I don't know quite how to describe what I mean, but my chest feels 'safe' when I'm binding? I also usually don't want to take off my binder when the time comes; I end up stood in front of my mirror without a shirt and just my binder on, looking at myself from different angles, as if I want to see my chest flat as much as possible before I have to take it off. I don't know if any of that made sense :/

When I was a kid I got a small wart something on the palm side of one of my fingers. It was almost unnoticeable at first until it sort of became a hard lump with a small dot in the middle and that's when I considered it an abomination that had to go. I took a pair of nail clippers and destroyed it. You'd never know it had ever been there, after.

That's how I started to feel about certain female anatomy as time went on. Some of it I actually thought might have been cancerous because I didn't know what it was "supposed" to look like at all. It flat out disgusted me, and for a long time I wished I could do the same thing I'd done to the wart without severely injuring myself to some of these female bits. To me they were diseases of my body and I hated them. That plus all of the talk about female cancers of female organs also disgusted me. I avoided ever seeing anybody about any of those, even for check ups. Screw it, I thought. If this body is going to get a female cancer, it'd be the best thing for it because then those parts would be ripped out - that was my childhood thinking anyway. I never did get a cancer or any sort of female problem but even now my disgust would probably lead me to neglect the issue somewhat.

If you can picture a female child who had never been told by an adult they were going to develop breasts, and bleed every month, or possibly get pregnant and have something growing inside them, etc. and watched them grow up I'd imagine their own bodies would freak them out to some extent when they began to do these things. Then picture a male child being told this was also going to happen to them... that was me. I'd been told, but I didn't really take the information in - not to heart. A part of me denied they would ever happen because they were awful. When they did start to happen, I guess it was quietly traumatic for me. I exhibited denial behavior. I would ignore periods even when they could hardly be ignored and would forget they were going to happen or to have enough supplies to deal with them. I would wrap the offending body parts down tight so I couldn't feel them. You know, the usual. I was convinced this was not my life and I was not going to deal with this B.S. if I could possibly avoid it. I did some unhealthy things to myself in order to make the experience of a female body as invisible to myself as possible... and I really did hate it. One of the reasons I absolutely refuse to entertain the thought of having children is because it would fulfill this body's function. I've always been at war with it and with what nature has done to me and playing nature's game is the last thing I will do. Was all quite pathological in my case and I'm still just now uncovering from memory the extent of how fubar it all was/is.

In later years I guess I started to accept them in the same way I imagined the Elephant Man must have finally had to accept within himself what he looked like, and sequester myself from society.

So it feels like... body horror, disgust, hate, wanting to slice pieces off with a knife. And finally, bitterness and almost complete disregard for this physical form. I've actually forgotten a bit just how much hate I had for my flesh years ago. But it was a lot.

These days what manifests as dysphoria is when nature's purposes are revealed in how human beings interact and why sexism exists... and you realize how non-neutral and non-altruistic human interactions usually are in almost every way... how it all ties in to sex and dominance and therefore gender (and how the genders use and view each other).... and what the hell, screw that, screw it all. If I transition I'm not going to join this party just because I might feel more secure in the head. Nature and the way it operates still disgusts me, and I recognize the futility of that view. To think I once did a biology degree, but it was being transsexual that really educated me as to how mechanical and cutthroat it all really is, humans being no exception. Even the most innocuous actions of people can be saturated with problems for someone like us. It's almost like a different world to be here in these shoes, I'm sure.

Quote from: Felix on March 14, 2016, 02:24:13 AM
My dysphoria was mostly shame before transition. Like, every girly thing about me was embarassing while at the same time I was trying very hard to be a "real" woman.

Regarding my physical body, my breasts were always a problem. Honestly they might be my only physical problem. Having boobs was like walking around with always-on loudspeakers. They felt wrong. When I noticed them I felt inadequate, emasculated. When guys paid them extra attention it was confusing. When guys liked my breasts it felt like it would feel if somebody praised a rash or a wart.

My dysphoria now since I've had surgeries and name change and been on hormones awhile is almost nonexistent. But what dysphoria I do have is bleak. Like "I'll never be a normal guy" or "if I had a penis everything would be fine and since I don't it never will" or "I'll get raped and murdered any day now because I look like a teenager and act like a sissy" or "my family will never accept people like me" etc. Deep fears and existential garbage.

I'm normally way way better than most trans people seem to be. I like my hips, don't mind my soft skin and small hands, never suffered much with periods, pretty much had it easy.

I am developing a new problem with how nurturing and pacifist I am. That just doesn't work for most men in most situations.

I feel the same way about my breasts.

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It's really hard to explain it, because every people experience the feeling and the world difference. But you can tell about your experience. How do it feel? Is it painful? Any picture you can compare with? Is it similar to something people are known with? Do it feel like a torture advice?

For me gender dysphoria is a great pain and struggle. It feels like it would be there forever and the days go very slow. One year can feel like much more...maybe 3 years or even more. I can't recognize myself and neither accept it. I really hates my body and I wouldn't wish it upon people I dislike. Not even terrorist groups, dictators and other violent people. People don't see me in the whole pieces, many of them can just see what I was assigned at birth and some talks about genitals. It's very stressing and a torture for my health general. My soul never get peace and never get over it. I discovered I was transgender for real about 2 years ago, but it feels like 6 years ago. It's the first thing at your mind and the last one when you wake up and go to bed. It also feels like I can't continue the life I'm supposed to live, stuck in time and stuck in the chromosomes. Sometime I have a disgusting feeling in the stomach, I want to continue the life; that I'm supposed to live, not live in this hell. After my look changed, I got even more disconnected to my body. That "puberty" is a disaster. A real disaster. If I worked as a person who torture prisoners, I don't know which methods I would use. But I know what I wouldn't use, that's opposite hormones against a cisperson or changing a cisperson's genitals. That's permanent and do much more damage that people would believe.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg14.deviantart.net%2Fc461%2Fi%2F2013%2F231%2F3%2F8%2Ftrapped_inside_by_leoriq-d6ithti.jpg&hash=61a891d6119624e7a7ea774079de5d760c6890b6)
Picture credit: LeoRiq - Deviantart

(I wrote this to another similar thread, copied it and paste it in here.)
My Original comment: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,203469.msg1812062.html#msg1812062

i don't feel specifically disgust when i touch my breasts but it feels very weird. like i'm touching them but i feel like they're not mine. at the same time i'm like urgh i can feel them with my bare hands. pretty odd.
i barely pay attention to the chest area at all. though all the girls i've ever dated love them because they're small, perky and in great shape.
besides the top issue, i find myself looking at men crotch a lot. it's just gravity and my eyes, i told myself. lol. i do feel jealous with the junk yard they have down there and i don't have it.
other than that, i was very uncomfortable and irritated if being put in girly clothes. i just basically pissed at everyone and everything for no such reason. i couldn't explain my actions or feelings. like i have to wear this favorite costume that everybody likes even though i don't.

I don't have time to describe it all since I'm running late, but one thing I used to do, before realizing I was trans, was hope I got breast cancer so I'd have an excuse to get things removed.  Which I understand is a really ridiculous and gross thing to wish for, but I guess if I were trying to explain my levels of hate for my chest to a cis person, maybe that would help them understand.  I can "feel" my breasts like they're not part of me, they're these THINGS that are hanging off my chest and I hate them.  Like, I like my nipples -- I love my nipples, lol -- but it's weird that there's all this fatty tissue between my nips and my chest.

When I hit puberty and my breasts started coming in, I remember bra shopping for the first time, and telling my mom I wish breasts were removable so I didn't have to "wear" them.  She accused me of wanting breast cancer, so maybe that's where this whole thing started.

edit: I also have often thought it would be cool if there were some kind of body part exchange program for trans people.  Like my breasts aren't bad breasts -- I can see how they are attractive, and it's a pity they can't go to someone who would appreciate them.

Quote from: kk on March 14, 2016, 03:06:30 PM
I don't have time to describe it all since I'm running late, but one thing I used to do, before realizing I was trans, was hope I got breast cancer so I'd have an excuse to get things removed.  Which I understand is a really ridiculous and gross thing to wish for, but I guess if I were trying to explain my levels of hate for my chest to a cis person, maybe that would help them understand.  I can "feel" my breasts like they're not part of me, they're these THINGS that are hanging off my chest and I hate them.  Like, I like my nipples -- I love my nipples, lol -- but it's weird that there's all this fatty tissue between my nips and my chest.

When I hit puberty and my breasts started coming in, I remember bra shopping for the first time, and telling my mom I wish breasts were removable so I didn't have to "wear" them.  She accused me of wanting breast cancer, so maybe that's where this whole thing started.

edit: I also have often thought it would be cool if there were some kind of body part exchange program for trans people.  Like my breasts aren't bad breasts -- I can see how they are attractive, and it's a pity they can't go to someone who would appreciate them.

I can relate. I said once time to a classmate when I was about 11-years old (pre-"puberty") that I didn't want breasts. I said to her I wanted surgeries if I got breasts, no matter how expensive it would be. I didn't wish for cancer, but I wished for kinds doctors who would remove them no matter what. That was something I said before I found out I'm trans. I didn't discovering it before 13. I never believed pre-puberty I would go through the female puberty. This is my case: I didn't believe I would get the period or any boobs, even thought adults said I would get it. I expected male puberty. For me transgender hasn't anything with gender roles to do. It's just a stereotype. For me transgender is about biology; about the sex characteristics, the biological brain and how the body works. Breasts isn't a part of me, breasts is a part of a disease in my opinion; "Pure" poison of estrogen.

Funny you mention estrogen being a poison - last couple of years I've started to feel the same. I couldn't tell before what was my personality and what was estrogen's doing... I thought it was me acting up - not until my hormones got out of whack and I was able to see what happens when your brain goes on and off estrogen with big peaks and troughs and what a horrowshow that is. I've experienced stuff with estrogen that was not me or my personality at all. Almost total neurotic breakdown. Fear, never ending background anxiety, fearing for one's safety all the time, feeling too much all the time. And that's not even mentioning what it does to the body. I thought it was me and my habits, but it wasn't. It was the dreaded E.

I know I'm a calm, rational type who doesn't freak out easily. Three decades or so to have worked that out. But messing with the E and I realized that too much of it and then trying to take it away just sent me to a very dark place. Ironically the thing which made me take it so much in the first place was the bleeding dysphoria and the abject fear of pregnancy. Can't bloody win.

So yup I'm pretty dysphoric at the moment about the estrogen even being there at female levels. I sure hope they'll do something about it for me soon. Make my body shut that crap down at least a little. I've had enough, and I'm so tired now. 

I've had the same thing. I started to realise I felt completely depressed when it was my time of the month due to the surge of estrogen. I felt I was being poisoned every month. I didn't have the energy to do anything and my dysphoria was so much worse than usual.

What has always made it hard for me to recognize my dysphoria is that I usually question whether being ashamed of my female anatomy is cultural and social conditioning. Talking to my female friends and girlfriend I've realized that what I feel is something different. The first time I put on a binder I started to tear up because I was so happy and I went out dancing that night and had never in my life felt so comfortable, safe and at ease in my body. My dysphoria is never anything overwhelming like anxiety or depression, it's just always been some loud and annoying background static. And lately I've realized that it's preventing me from being who I truly am and expressing myself as a full human being. Also, in long term relationships I've always lost all interest in sex because, I realize now, I haven't identified with my own body and it being touched and viewed as female. The most jarring and disgusting part has always been when men make comments or are attracted to my femaleness, it's like they are talking about someone else and finding the most wrong parts of me attractive.

My dysphoria also manifests in somewhat of an eating disorder in that whenever I eat anything I imagine it immediately going into my hips and breasts. I end up starving myself a lot for this reason and I realize it's a battle I'll fight until I'm on T long enough for my fat to take a male pattern.

Quote from: freebrady2015 on March 15, 2016, 12:58:32 PM
What has always made it hard for me to recognize my dysphoria is that I usually question whether being ashamed of my female anatomy is cultural and social conditioning. Talking to my female friends and girlfriend I've realized that what I feel is something different.

This also.  For a long time, I told myself I wasn't trans.  I was just upset with my female body because I'd absorbed so much from society that said men are "better."  Talking to other girls, I realized they didn't feel the same way.  I remember the first time I told my friend (now girlfriend) I wanted to try a binder, just casually, and she looked at me and said "Why???"  like she absolutely could not comprehend it.  I mumbled something about wanting to try drag and changed the topic.  I've kept my trans thoughts to myself since then.

Quote from: kk on March 14, 2016, 03:06:30 PM
I don't have time to describe it all since I'm running late, but one thing I used to do, before realizing I was trans, was hope I got breast cancer so I'd have an excuse to get things removed.  Which I understand is a really ridiculous and gross thing to wish for, but I guess if I were trying to explain my levels of hate for my chest to a cis person, maybe that would help them understand.  I can "feel" my breasts like they're not part of me, they're these THINGS that are hanging off my chest and I hate them.  Like, I like my nipples -- I love my nipples, lol -- but it's weird that there's all this fatty tissue between my nips and my chest.

When I hit puberty and my breasts started coming in, I remember bra shopping for the first time, and telling my mom I wish breasts were removable so I didn't have to "wear" them.  She accused me of wanting breast cancer, so maybe that's where this whole thing started.

edit: I also have often thought it would be cool if there were some kind of body part exchange program for trans people.  Like my breasts aren't bad breasts -- I can see how they are attractive, and it's a pity they can't go to someone who would appreciate them.

When I was a teen I also wished for breast cancer. 

I've always described it as Weltschmerz
A german word freely translated to "World-pain"
A more concise definition of it: "Physical reality can never attain the desires of the mind"
This is how I rationalized dysphoria for a long time

It's a helpless feeling, a feeling of inadequacy, it disconnects my mind from reality whenever I look into mirrors: a lot of features also bring forth feelings of sadness, disgust, contempt, hatred, anger and "this or that should not even be here"

It also instills a deep seated terror when I have to put up the masculine act. Many times i'm also overwhelmed by imagining myself as woman or how I would be if I was a woman in certain situations.
whenever at work, in friend circles, around people and generic/stereotypical male behaviour is expected from me a glaze tends to go over my eyes and I need a minute before I really realize what is happening.

Most of the times it feels like youth has been taken from me, that I never had a childhood, never had a puberty and now that life flashes right past me.

and when I give in to being myself: it's like the worlds weight has been lifted !

When life kicks you in the balls, tuck 'em away  :D

I totally identify with all of the above especially pj and KathyLaurens comments. I'll add my own absolute panic at having to use a public mens room, be in a mens locker room or be topless in front of anyone (but my wife).

Quote from: kk on March 15, 2016, 04:53:59 PM
This also.  For a long time, I told myself I wasn't trans.  I was just upset with my female body because I'd absorbed so much from society that said men are "better."  Talking to other girls, I realized they didn't feel the same way.  I remember the first time I told my friend (now girlfriend) I wanted to try a binder, just casually, and she looked at me and said "Why???"  like she absolutely could not comprehend it.  I mumbled something about wanting to try drag and changed the topic.  I've kept my trans thoughts to myself since then.

My girlfriend also told me when we've talked at length about my feelings of dysphoria that when she wears a sports bra and feels like her chest isn't prominently displayed she feels very unattractive. For me it's the exact opposite, it's like this feeling of inferiority when I'm conscious of my breasts.

I also think you really should start to try to bring it up again with your girlfriend. Having my current girlfriend be supportive and understanding is the best feeling in the world and it's so important that you can be fully be yourself in your most intimate relationship. It took me years and years to realize this.

I thought of a new awy to describe my dysphoria: 

"All the world's a stage."  And they gave me the wrong script.  It seems like everyone else knows their part except me.  I have to wing it.  Here I am, expected by the other players to play a male role, but the only script I have is for a female part.

Quote from: freebrady2015 on March 16, 2016, 09:48:39 AM
I also think you really should start to try to bring it up again with your girlfriend.

I plan to, once things settle down.  Right now I'm in the middle of moving and getting a new job.  I feel bad; my girlfriend's life has been so calm and put together, meanwhile for the past 3-4 years I've been a huge mess with one big panic after another.  I'm hoping to god that this move will be good for both of us and I'll settle down and we can achieve some kind of "normal" day to day-ness. 

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 16, 2016, 08:04:01 PM
I thought of a new awy to describe my dysphoria: 

"All the world's a stage."  And they gave me the wrong script.  It seems like everyone else knows their part except me.  I have to wing it.  Here I am, expected by the other players to play a male role, but the only script I have is for a female part.

That makes sense to me.

With me, gender dysphoria was there since I was 7 years old. I didn't know I was experiencing it at all until I finally put all the pieces together a few months ago.
The first time I experienced it was when I was in 3rd grade. I was sitting in the gym. There would be two lines, one for girls and one for boys. At the time, I was a huge tomboy and I passed as a little boy all the time. I remember just staring at the boy's line and feeling confused, telling myself "why am I not sitting there?"
And as time went by, I realized I was always attracted to women but I would always just stare at men's bodies and how nice their clothes fit on them. I was kinda always in awe of them.

6th grade, when puberty really hit, I remember hiding my chest in jackets allll the time.
7th grade, I discovered metal music and wanted to be like this one guitarist so I grew my hair out and bought the clothes and everything but realized I couldn't be like him because he's a guy and I'm a girl. It didn't feel right but I just moved on, sort of like an "oh well". So, I delved into a girly goth phase but that didn't last at all lol.

Well, time passed on. I was in high school and I cut my hair and started looking more like a guy each year. Each year, the feeling of feeling like a guy became stronger. And I remember 9th grade I lost a ton of weight (I was very happy about it) but whenever I took pictures of myself and look at them I'd be like "wtf? Why do I look like a girl? why are my hips like that?" It was so confusing. OH and whenever I go out in public and see some grunge or metalhead dude with long hair I get FURIOUS lol. But yeah, that's my dysphoria  ::)

I'm not very good at putting my dysphoria into words either but i'll try.
When i see my body it's not troubling but when i find myself thinking to much about it, it becomes quickly troubling and triggering.  I would say my dysphoria is a lot less then some peoples so i'm lucky.
However, if i think about how people see my body and notice them i often get upset and hide away and not want to go around people for the day unless i have my mind. that part is a horrible feeling for me and hard to often overcome or fix. I look at my thighs or other clearly enough female parts of my body i can then start feeling not trapped but more like "No get it away" even though i can't.

I have actually written this piece somewhere else before  ;) The words are my own, but it's not new:


Here's an odd way of thinking about it  :) Not correct but just a little story.....

Imagine that the world is completely normal, and as we know it, but you've somehow been given a full on Elvis Presley dress up costume. It's the best one ever!!! It's got rhinestones and a huge belt and wiggling hips, thick black hair and gold sunglasses, the works... It even, somehow, has the magical power to change your voice to his.

Sadly the price for putting it on is that you can't take it off. You aren't Elvis, but the costume is so convincing, so real, that the rest of the world thinks that you are. Everywhere you go people are like: "Oh my God it's Elvis" and "Over here Elvis, sign this autograph"

They think that, because you've got the costume, you have Elvis's personality. And that you like what Elvis likes. Your friends buy you cheeseburgers and put you on first in the Karaoke. To please them, to try and get over the experience, you see if it works for you. You look like Elvis, so why not be Elvis? You go to Memphis and record a few albums, you trade your car for a pink Cadillac and you start calling your BBF Colonel Tom Parker.

But you don't have Elvis's personality. You aren't Elvis. Elvis was Elvis and you are you. There was only one king, he was THE King. You aren't. Sad and lonely little person trapped inside this stupid costume. It gets to you, this being unable to walk down the street without people, even friends and family, calling you Elvis.

When all you want to do is curl up in the corner, shed a few tears, and take off that disgusting, heavy, stifling, ill-fitting, wrong, not true to you costume and emerge from it a normal person. One of them, to be accepted as such. Never to be thought of as Elvis Aaron Presley ever again for as long as you live.

But you're The King. Or they think you're The King. You reach out to undo the costume zip. Then you realise that doing so will kill The King. Thousands will weep bitter tears... You let go. You leave the house and it's back to "Hi Elvis." and "Where's the follow up to Jailhouse Rock?"

And you can't stand it any more. You go for the zip again that night and you finally manage to tug it down just a crack. You go out the next day and someone vicious shouts at you from across the street: "You aren't really Elvis. You're just pretending."

And finally it's over. His words are, somehow, kindness veiled with cruelty. You know that it is possible to stop this. Somehow.

What a flight of fancy lol!!!  ;)  xx

Ever since I was about 8, I've felt "wrong" in my own skin. I always had dreams of being a little girl. As I aged, so did I in my dreams. Hearing stories of what my friends were going through during puberty (my friends were mainly girls), I felt super uncomfortable. When I was 12, I actually remember vividly a dream where I just wanted to cut "it" off (and that dream still haunts me... every time I have that dream I am the same age, and I think "What if I HAD just done it then?").

As I got to be about 15 was when my dysphoria hit full swing. I was SEVERELY uncomfortable in my own body. I never changed in the locker rooms with the other guys, I always wore my P.E uniform under my clothes, and just pulled off those, and shoved them in my back pack leaving on the P.E uniform.

I ended up trying to commit suicide a few times, but nothing helped. So I resorted to poetry. There was one that was called "Bleed a Scar" which was about cutting yourself to leave a scar as a "regret" a constant reminder. Now I have since stopped. But the scars remain.  I DONT reccomend doing what I did by ... If anyone has suicidal thoughts, talk to someone, I am always here for an anonymous ear

I spoke with the school counselor, because when I told my parents that I "Feel like I am stuck in the wrong body"
They grounded me, and I got a belt to the ass with my "father" telling me I am a "sinner" and "God" hates me for these thoughts.
THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR said I was "experiencing teenage confusion and angst, and that it will subside"

When I was 18, the dysphoria didn't stop. I still had that dream that stuck, still do to this day. I am now 25, almost 26, and it still has not subsided.

Even on Hormones, it has not subsided. To some extent it has, I am MUCH MUCH MUCH happier with my life, dont get me wrong. I dont think that my dysphoria will go away UNTIL I have the surgery. But I am on the road to that :)

So if you are experiencing severe dysphoria, talk with someone, someone who understands, someone who will listen and acknowledge, just know if they are not dysphoric themselves, they will not understand exactly what youre going through, but they will listen to you. Never give up <3

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on March 14, 2016, 04:06:36 PM
Funny you mention estrogen being a poison - last couple of years I've started to feel the same. I couldn't tell before what was my personality and what was estrogen's doing... I thought it was me acting up - not until my hormones got out of whack and I was able to see what happens when your brain goes on and off estrogen with big peaks and troughs and what a horrowshow that is. I've experienced stuff with estrogen that was not me or my personality at all. Almost total neurotic breakdown. Fear, never ending background anxiety, fearing for one's safety all the time, feeling too much all the time. And that's not even mentioning what it does to the body. I thought it was me and my habits, but it wasn't. It was the dreaded E.

I know I'm a calm, rational type who doesn't freak out easily. Three decades or so to have worked that out. But messing with the E and I realized that too much of it and then trying to take it away just sent me to a very dark place. Ironically the thing which made me take it so much in the first place was the bleeding dysphoria and the abject fear of pregnancy. Can't bloody win.

So yup I'm pretty dysphoric at the moment about the estrogen even being there at female levels. I sure hope they'll do something about it for me soon. Make my body shut that crap down at least a little. I've had enough, and I'm so tired now.

I love reading this sort of thing about estrogen from FTM people :) I'm MTF and the "poison" is making me feel like me for the first time. I hope you get help for the "dreaded E" soon!

When my dysphoria hits me hard I go into a mania buying and wearing women's clothing and makeup.  It's where I kept trying to push it down and try to ignore it.  My youth I was groomed in utmost masculinity.  I played American Football and other sports. When I had these feelings I was told it was fantasy.  So I was in a cycle for a while and really down.  Also until understanding sexual identity versus orientation I couldn't understand why I was attracted to femininity sexually but wanted to also identify as female.  Also with feeling of transitioning I didn't want to go all the way and have a vagina.  So that left me confused and frustrated.  Thanks to support sites like this I've grown comfortable with accepting myself as Transgendered.  I don't feel as depressed and dark after accepting myself.

Feeling like some cruel being is ripping my heart from my chest everytime I realise my body is male.
I've felt relationship heartbreak, this is the same feeling, only a whole lot worse.
Inside my head, my broken heart and my soul, I'm female.
Outside I'm a male with feminine hips and B cup chest.

I see FTM transgender men daily on blogs and would gladly die for just 1 hour as their before picture. At the end of the hour, I'd lay down with the largest grin on my face while I wait for the white light.

I know deep down that being born mixed up gender issues is not the worst thing that could happen to me, I could have been born into a poor region of a 3rd world or war torn country, I could have been born with life limiting disabilities or not even made it past childhood.
Those thoughts keep me alive and my make me eternally thankful for psychological and probable genetic/hormonal mess my life is.

One day this caterpillar may have her moment as a butterfly, but for now it remains a beautiful nightly dream.

Quote from: jessilynn on March 20, 2016, 10:03:22 AM
Ever since I was about 8, I've felt "wrong" in my own skin. I always had dreams of being a little girl. As I aged, so did I in my dreams. Hearing stories of what my friends were going through during puberty (my friends were mainly girls), I felt super uncomfortable. When I was 12, I actually remember vividly a dream where I just wanted to cut "it" off (and that dream still haunts me... every time I have that dream I am the same age, and I think "What if I HAD just done it then?").

As I got to be about 15 was when my dysphoria hit full swing. I was SEVERELY uncomfortable in my own body. I never changed in the locker rooms with the other guys, I always wore my P.E uniform under my clothes, and just pulled off those, and shoved them in my back pack leaving on the P.E uniform.

I ended up trying to commit suicide a few times, but nothing helped. So I resorted to poetry. There was one that was called "Bleed a Scar" which was about cutting yourself to leave a scar as a "regret" a constant reminder. Now I have since stopped. But the scars remain.  I DONT reccomend doing what I did by ... If anyone has suicidal thoughts, talk to someone, I am always here for an anonymous ear

I spoke with the school counselor, because when I told my parents that I "Feel like I am stuck in the wrong body"
They grounded me, and I got a belt to the ass with my "father" telling me I am a "sinner" and "God" hates me for these thoughts.
THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR said I was "experiencing teenage confusion and angst, and that it will subside"

When I was 18, the dysphoria didn't stop. I still had that dream that stuck, still do to this day. I am now 25, almost 26, and it still has not subsided.

Even on Hormones, it has not subsided. To some extent it has, I am MUCH MUCH MUCH happier with my life, dont get me wrong. I dont think that my dysphoria will go away UNTIL I have the surgery. But I am on the road to that :)

So if you are experiencing severe dysphoria, talk with someone, someone who understands, someone who will listen and acknowledge, just know if they are not dysphoric themselves, they will not understand exactly what youre going through, but they will listen to you. Never give up <3

I'm glad you're feeling better about your lot in life! I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I've read several pieces about SRS not resolving gender dysphoria so you might want to talk to your therapist about it (or find one if you haven't already).

I'd just hate for you to get the surgery and still be dealing with the dysphoria without knowing it may happen beforehand  :-\

Quote from: Jayne on March 13, 2016, 04:58:32 PM
I've spent most of my life trying to put my dysphoria into words, before I try to explain it to cis gendered people I often ask them to describe being happy or sad to someone who's never felt emotions, its close to impossible to describe to someone who's experienced emotions, take away common reference points & the task becomes like chasing rainbows. The closer you get the harder it is to find your goal.

About the best description I can find is this: when I'm relaxed & not thinking about my gender identity I see & think of myself as female (although that statement sort of cancels itself out as if I'm not thinking about my gender identity then how can I see myself as female?).
Then when someone "sirs" me I get this jarring moment when I look at my body and get jolted back to the reality that my body is male, this triggers many emotions such as revultion, shock, depression & self loathing (to name a few).

When I'm forced to take notice of my body I feel disgusted by body & facial hair, I get depressed by the sight of my flat chest (pre hrt I would often "feel" the weight of my breasts only to look down & see I didn't have them, cue depression).
As for what's between my legs, its just wrong, plain wrong.

I doubt this description helps but its the best I can manage.

I get what your talking about completely. I am the same!
Oh, has anyone tried these dysphoria quizzes? Because, Whenever I do them the always find a way to conflict my morals! So the result would be from transgender or no gender.

                                                                       Love, Sarina!

Quote from: HeatherS on March 20, 2016, 06:08:26 PM
Feeling like some cruel being is ripping my heart from my chest everytime I realise my body is male.
I've felt relationship heartbreak, this is the same feeling, only a whole lot worse.
Inside my head, my broken heart and my soul, I'm female.
Outside I'm a male with feminine hips and B cup chest.

I see FTM transgender men daily on blogs and would gladly die for just 1 hour as their before picture. At the end of the hour, I'd lay down with the largest grin on my face while I wait for the white light.

I know deep down that being born mixed up gender issues is not the worst thing that could happen to me, I could have been born into a poor region of a 3rd world or war torn country, I could have been born with life limiting disabilities or not even made it past childhood.
Those thoughts keep me alive and my make me eternally thankful for psychological and probable genetic/hormonal mess my life is.

One day this caterpillar may have her moment as a butterfly, but for now it remains a beautiful nightly dream.

OMG! That amaizing! Such heart warming post

Quote

I know deep down that being born mixed up gender issues is not the worst thing that could happen to me, I could have been born into a poor region of a 3rd world or war torn country, I could have been born with life limiting disabilities or not even made it past childhood.
Those thoughts keep me alive and my make me eternally thankful for psychological and probable genetic/hormonal mess my life is.

One day this caterpillar may have her moment as a butterfly, but for now it remains a beautiful nightly dream.

Keep up the good work!

                                                                   Love, Sarina!

Quote from: Missy D on March 19, 2016, 08:43:13 PM
I have actually written this piece somewhere else before  ;) The words are my own, but it's not new:


Here's an odd way of thinking about it  :) Not correct but just a little story.....

Imagine that the world is completely normal, and as we know it, but you've somehow been given a full on Elvis Presley dress up costume. It's the best one ever!!! It's got rhinestones and a huge belt and wiggling hips, thick black hair and gold sunglasses, the works... It even, somehow, has the magical power to change your voice to his.

Sadly the price for putting it on is that you can't take it off. You aren't Elvis, but the costume is so convincing, so real, that the rest of the world thinks that you are. Everywhere you go people are like: "Oh my God it's Elvis" and "Over here Elvis, sign this autograph"

They think that, because you've got the costume, you have Elvis's personality. And that you like what Elvis likes. Your friends buy you cheeseburgers and put you on first in the Karaoke. To please them, to try and get over the experience, you see if it works for you. You look like Elvis, so why not be Elvis? You go to Memphis and record a few albums, you trade your car for a pink Cadillac and you start calling your BBF Colonel Tom Parker.

But you don't have Elvis's personality. You aren't Elvis. Elvis was Elvis and you are you. There was only one king, he was THE King. You aren't. Sad and lonely little person trapped inside this stupid costume. It gets to you, this being unable to walk down the street without people, even friends and family, calling you Elvis.

When all you want to do is curl up in the corner, shed a few tears, and take off that disgusting, heavy, stifling, ill-fitting, wrong, not true to you costume and emerge from it a normal person. One of them, to be accepted as such. Never to be thought of as Elvis Aaron Presley ever again for as long as you live.

But you're The King. Or they think you're The King. You reach out to undo the costume zip. Then you realise that doing so will kill The King. Thousands will weep bitter tears... You let go. You leave the house and it's back to "Hi Elvis." and "Where's the follow up to Jailhouse Rock?"

And you can't stand it any more. You go for the zip again that night and you finally manage to tug it down just a crack. You go out the next day and someone vicious shouts at you from across the street: "You aren't really Elvis. You're just pretending."

And finally it's over. His words are, somehow, kindness veiled with cruelty. You know that it is possible to stop this. Somehow.

What a flight of fancy lol!!!  ;)  xx

OMG! This is great, I love this story.

For a long time in my teen years it was mostly just, why does my body not feel right? And not having an answer for it. For a long time it was wondering how come it bothered me so much to have curves and no one else? Why was there a part of me that felt missing? It was realizing I didn't want the body other cis girls wanted and realizing my strong desire to have a flat chest and everything else a masculine body has. Before going on T back when I didn't pass I relate to the feeling of wearing a costume you can't take off, everyone saw me one way but that wasn't how I saw myself.

When dysphoria hits me it feels like...I guess like being sucked up by quick sand, I am trying to escape but I keep sinking. I'm trapped within this frame but there is nothing I can do right now to immedietly relieve me of the intense discomfort I have about certain features or lack there of. And I have to really try hard to not want to just give up and be swallowed up.