Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, now Im seeing the girl emerge from my body and Im DYSPHORIC about it....  :-\

Its very similar to when I would see the man, but in reverse, its causing me mass anxiety >:(

Im curious if this is just another one of the stumbling blocks we must get over in our journey ???

thanks for sharing :)

I'm not quite sure what you mean but I'm guessing you're saying that it has something to do with seeing your body in its transitionary phase where you are seemingly "in limbo" between genders? I felt a bit that way, "ugh, am I ever going to be female enough?", "my body looks even weirder now" and thoughts of that nature. It passed as the HRT did its thing. The first few months though are a very weird twilight zone type thing though and can make you wonder if it'll ever work. If that's not what you mean, sorry for not understanding.

Thanks Grace

to explain, lets say you were a cis female and undergoing transition FTM... and you were having dysphoria about seeing the "woman"

its sortof like that...  I was seeing myself very fem and loving it... then I began this horrible downslide and started reverting back to more of a male personna. Now when I see the fem progress I had made.... I freak out

I dont really understand what is happening... and my shrink cant seem to help me

I went through a phase like that. It was temporary, brought about by years of indoctrination that men (which is how I thought of myself) should never be in the least feminine.

I don't know if this is what you're going through, but for me it went away once I started going out and spending a lot of time living as a woman and realizing that was how I wanted to live.

Thanks Suzi.... I dont really feel like I cannot be somewhat fem... I just guess I feel I cant be all fem...

This all started about 2 weeks ago when I was sorta a target for some baby trans hate... unfortunately I have not yet recovered from it and Im getting pissed... maybe thats what I needed was to get pissed. Hate to, but if thats what solves this for me... well  :o

Hmmm, that's something I never thought about before.  I was euphoric to see the female emerge as I progressed in my transition.  But, then I hated my male body and testosterone damaged face.  I suppose one could have a mixed gender identity such that losing one's masculine appearance could set off 'reverse dysphoria' as you describe it.  If that condition persists, it would put you in a difficult place for sure.  Hopefully, the feeling will pass.

Ask yourself: what is it exactly that YOU want? Forget the rest of the world. Maybe you don't want to let go of some part of your male persona but you enjoy being feminine sometimes or to a certain extent only. Do what feels right to you, don't compare. Don't rush into things.

Also, ask yourself what exactly is triggering the anxiety? What are you afraid of? The answers lie inside of you. ;)

Sorry you're going through this, Rita. I agree with KayXo -- maybe your therapist can help you get at what you really want, separated from the what other people think. Or maybe it just needs some time. Everyone has good days and bad days.

I  feel the same way but didn't really know how to describe it.  On HRT I've seen fast results with breast growth, and some fat re distribution, and often wished HRT was a buffet table, only take what you want.  I think the physical changes force us to look inside like KayXO said.  Still a struggle, and it is often hard to confront it.  In my case the challenge has been trying to ignore it, but I'm at the point I can't hide anymore.  I hope you sort it out, for sanity sake.

Low dose estrogen without an anti-androgen might be something to look into if you feel changes are too fast. Move forward at your own pace.

I sort of feel this now being pre-t etc but still trying to present as male - I'm now more andro-questionmark and that's uncomfortable in similar ways to being read as female. Before I started officially transitioning/ binding/ lost weight i stayed away from ~masculine clothing because on my curves it made me feel worse. Like a so-close-yet-so-far situation. Or i felt more feminine by contrast.

Thank you all so much for your replies! Today has been a good day and Im fairly happy with how I presented today, it was a nice mix of male/female... I guess for me is letting go of what the world thinks of me... I know what Id like to be, I just dont know how to present that to "the world" ... please dont say Screw them, dont care about what they think, cuz for me... that is nearly impossible at this point, for me anyway.

Quote from: RitaChans on March 18, 2016, 04:58:41 PM
please dont say Screw them, dont care about what they think, cuz for me... that is nearly impossible at this point, for me anyway.

I won't. I still struggle with this, 12 yrs after HRT. Totally get you. ;) But, I still tell people to try and not care. No easy task.

The world is not made of men and women. Theres billions of variations in between. Not being happy with your male presentation or being doesn't mean you need a female presentation or being. Maybe you need something very endrogynistic.

It's up to you to find it !

Ritachans

I don't know if this will help, but this was my experience.

About one year into hrt I suddenly got this feeling of not really liking how I was changing. Life was much easier as a man, but hrt and the odd looks it caused was making life as a man hard in my mind. At the same time I knew I wasn't one. All very confusing.

What I did was cut back to half dose for a few months. I realised during that time that I wanted the changes after all and I went back to full dose.

I'm still not full time after 27 months of hrt. It doesn't have to be a race. Move forward as you feel comfortable with it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Quote from: Joan on March 21, 2016, 10:40:21 AM
About one year into hrt I suddenly got this feeling of not really liking how I was changing. Life was much easier as a man, but hrt and the odd looks it caused was making life as a man hard in my mind. At the same time I knew I wasn't one. All very confusing.

What I did was cut back to half dose for a few months. I realised during that time that I wanted the changes after all and I went back to full dose.

I'm still not full time after 27 months of hrt. It doesn't have to be a race. Move forward as you feel comfortable with it.

So profound Joan.  I just cut back to 1/2 a dose, and only E.  This seems to be a happy medium for me while I consider my next steps, and if/when I decide which steps to take.

What was the turning point for you, Joan, when you decided to go back on full dose?
Thanks for sharing,
Jimmie

Thank you

Joan, that is how I feel at the moment. Ive been doing Soy for 8 months now and it has definetly done some changes to my body, not what one would expect from HRT at a 9 month level though. It was all I could get ahold of and I needed something. So lately I have been really seeing the changes and its making me question, well, that and some issues with a hater. So, Im one week away from getting my hrt scripts and Im actually finding myself comfy at a mix level and calling myself gender fluid at the moment. As you said its not a race and thats how I was seeing it and I wasnt liking the road I was on and all the pressure I was putting on  myself. Now that I have chilled and am accepting myself as I am, Im alot happier and relaxed. Im still planning on starting hrt in a week... but a bit leary of it still

I feel like what I think you expressing. I've been dieting down quite a bit this past year and I've gotten to a point where I am seeing results. The problem is, the more I progress the more I want to run the other way. I feel like a weakling, a wimp.  Hit the weights and eat piles of spaghetti! Then dang, more weight to lose. ...,again.
I look at as a hill I need to pass but I can't see what's on the other side. The closer I get to the top, the scarier it appears so I am left constantly climbing.

Jimmie and RitaChans

It's difficult to articulate what I was thinking at the time, but I'll try :)

I know I was focused completely on transition and was unable to think about anything else like work and relationships. I managed to stop to to using exclusively on the goal and turn my attention back to life in the meantime. I put my effort into work, started a new course and spent time with friends. This helped me regain my equilibrium some.

I was presenting female at weekends without completing laser and before hrt could undo some of the effects of 35 years of testosterone. I was getting laughed at and going out became a constant attack on my self esteem. This may be what you're talking about, RitaChans. I began to doubt that I could make transition work, and while the changes hrt were bringing brought the physical me in line with the mental, and hrt gave me peace because of that, I was worried that I'd end up in a no person's land between male and female. I know that works for some, but I want, more than anything, a simple life lol. That was why I reduced the dose.

As a result my breasts started to shrink, my skin became oily and my hair stopped growing back. Reverting to make triggered dysphoria, so I decided to go back on full dose. I didn't present for 6 months and kept busy with other things. Now I find that while I don't pass completely, people are least accepting of what I am.

The long term goal is still to transition. I'll get there - if I get there - when I get there.

Hope that helps.

Thanks for sharing that Joan :)