Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey guys so, I've been noticing that my gender dysphoria may be getting a little stronger each day? More and more I am beginning to notice how unreal I feel. Is this something you experienced before transition? I just don't feel real at all and I would say this before but now I feel it even more. It's a little scary now. I don't feel like a person... Maybe more like a cloud or ghost or something..

Yeah; when I realised I was trans my dysphoria became so much worse. I felt dissociated from everything around me and from my body. I also felt constantly self conscious which meant I couldn't think straight when I was out in public and felt everyone was judging me trying to guess what I was. Getting a binder helped. Now I'm on T most of those feelings have now gone.

It kept getting stronger with me each day until I hit a point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. I also felt like there was a disconnect between me and the world, like I was outside of it looking in.

Totally, it's fully normal. It's because you kinda are out of place in the wrong body. But hold strong. And just know once you get on those hormones, it will change. You will begin to know yourself better, and get more in tune with yourself.

Yeah I feel that way all the time, before I came out to myself and after. My dysphoria also got worse once i decided to try to do something about it. I think it's the feeling of knowing what's wrong and how to fix it and then being blocked by society at almost every turn. Also, once I had a taste of what i was after (binding and appearing more masculine) the thought of going backwards was really awful. It didn't make sense to me how i could be okay in a sports bra one month and not the next. But then I suppose it's like when you get in a hot shower you don't realise until you're warm how cold you were before and you don't want to get out again even though you thought it was fine before you got in

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 19, 2016, 09:29:37 AM
I also felt like there was a disconnect between me and the world, like I was outside of it looking in.

Same. I felt like everyone was living life simply being themselves, whilst I had to wear this 'gorilla suit' and pretend to be something I was not. Additionally, when I looked in the mirror, there was (& still is, though it's improving) a disconnect between how I felt and what I looked like. I don't like mirrors and have always shaved my face in the shower, going by feel, so as to avoid the stress of seeing my reflection.

Oh yes, have felt that many times.  Comes and goes in terms of how much impact it has at any time.  Sometimes I see the world swirling by me and I feel so alone, but more and more I am feeling connections like I have never felt before in my short existence.  The disconnect is probably your identity screaming for some space to build with no interference.  A wise sister once told me that it is okay to be selfish in the start as you need to let your real self to start to grow and it is hard.  We are kids whence we start into transition.  Promise it will get better, love!

I can say that I felt this a lot, especially since there was so much time between my discovering that I was trans and the actual pursuit of that transition. I first realized it when I was 17, did all my research, knew it was what I wanted, but I held off on it for many reasons. I didn't think my grandparents (who raised me) would believe me since I was still a teenager. I thought they'd think it was just a phase, even though I'd unconsciously been dressing and acting like a boy since I was 6, even though every birthday cake wish and wish upon a star was "I wish I was a boy," and they knew that. Then it was the fact that I didn't have the money and I'm not sure there were any health insurances back then that covered transitioning (which I have now, thank God). Lastly, I was bogged down with the misconception that no therapist or doctor would approve me for this transition since I wasn't a lesbian (another thing now thankfully resolved).

Because of all that, I had to struggle - mostly privately - for eight solid years with this ever-increasing dysphoria. I would go through bouts of "okay, this is never gonna happen, so just try living as a woman" only for it to come back stronger than ever after a very short while. One of the worst instances was when I had to be the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. My friend was going to let me wear a tux, but her now ex-husband wouldn't have it. So I had to sit there and get my picture taken while wearing a purple strapless gown, my burly factory-worker arms displayed in all their manly glory. I felt like a lumberjack in a pink tutu.

After that, I started wearing my binder more. At first, I was a little nervous about it, since I have a large chest and it's virtually impossible to completely bind myself. Then, at about a month before starting my hormone treatment, I found that I couldn't bear to step outside the house without it on, semi-ineffectual though it may be. I feel a lot better already since starting my hormone treatment, and I feel I've fully set into the mindset that I am a man, and that's extremely liberating.

I still don't know if and how exactly I fit in with the transgender community, although I definitely don't think I'm just a cis guy, but my gender dysphoria has actually gotten a lot better since I've had my realization and started changing (I'll give it time though, its only been a few months, I don't want to be rash about it all).  I actually get REALLY stressed thinking about HRT, GRS and physical transition.  I tell myself over and over to take it slow, and I think the inner me is just as apprehensive but appreciating the active thought and efforts. 

Not to be a buzzkill on support (although you seem to be in a similar boat as many here :) ); I've felt like a cold meat machine for just about my entire life, and all I'm doing is just to try help that machine run a little more smoothly.  I think I may be a Determinist and a Nihilist...

I think I'm gonna go check out non-binary, bi-gender and non-transitioning areas now...