Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been lurking for a few days, doing a lot of thinking. It sounds like I share
some of the same experiences with a lot of you that waited until an older age
to start their transition. That makes me feel so much less like a freak.

Did you girls that transitioned late feel some force or feeling of destiny to transition?

Throughout my life my thoughts have been pushed deep inside and while I always
knew they were there I never acted on them for many of the same reasons that have
been discussed.

The last few months has been like a flood that has just hit me and it feels like I really
need to do this. As far as I know nothing triggered it, no life changes, etc. It just
somehow came out. And thinking about the possibility that I could still transition makes
me incredibly happy.

Has anyone else experienced this?

People transition at all different ages for so many different reasons.  You transition when you are ready or are able to.  Don't worry about when, it isn't important, what is important is that you are true to yourself.

Sarah L.

What do you consider late? Past 30 or 40 or 50?

I waited so long (39 y.o.) because I thought I could cope and fight it off. The older I got, the worse the need to be female rose until eventually it effected my daily life to such an extent I had to do something. I was so cosumed and so wrought up with the thought of being a woman I could not concentrate on anything else. There was a constant 24x7 drumming in my mind that overwhelmed me to the point where not only could it not be pushed back, it made its presence noticeable in my daily movements. So many times I just acted like a woman unable to control or put up a front to hide it. I lost the ability to disguise who I was and the ability to control or fight it off. After more than a year of 4-5 hours of wrestless sleep each night and some nights with no sleep, it wore me down. I either needed to blow out my brains or deal with this in the best way I could and hope I can transition successfully without to many casualties in my personal life. Since starting HRT, I have slept better and have calmed down quite a bit and am able to act "normal" to a point. I'm able to concentrate on work and I'm able to get alond with my daily life. Funny how at this point I couldnt care either way wich way I went.....yet the side effects of the HRT regimine I'm on are already pronounced. I went on HRT out of necessity, and will transition because of that. I do not WANT to do this, I have no choice.

Let me start by saying this is a varying subject as everyone starts at different times for different reasons (is there an echo in the room??!!lol)
    For me starting at age 38 came down to one thing - I am a survivor (was raped in my 20's) which caused me to push it so far down that even after counselling my mind allowed me to forget who I am and live - however, I always knew something was different about me but couldn't put a finger on it. So many things weren't right for me. Now I understand each and every one of them. My trigger was Jerry Springer, believe it or not. He had a show with wives on who crossdress their husbands to make their intimate times better. Another story there too long to discuss here. I mentioned it to the wife and one night wore a pair of nylons to bed to see if I would be softer and more attentive by bringing out my 'fem' side. However, the more I wore them the harder things became for me in that it just felt natural to put them on and I felt not just feminine but felt I was woman. I stopped wearing them for a bit but the feeling still grew stronger. I talked to my wife and cried like a baby in her arms for I feared I would lose her. However, the next morn we reseached and researched and talked til we were blue in the face. That was 1-1 1/2 yrs ago (round time my pic was taken I use in here). I am now full time and enjoying every minute of life.
                               Kim   :angel:

I'm very new here as this is my 3rd post but I'm going through urges right now.  I'm 43 by the way. Talking to my wife has helped some but right now, I'm unable to concentrate here at work and I can't sleep at night at home.  For some reason though, when we camp in our camper at the state park, I sleep great.

After camping this weekend and talking to my wife a lenght about what my next step should be (I want her support), I/we decided I should start councling but as my luck would have it, the number to the nearest gender therapist is disconnected so I'm not sure were to go from here.  I know not having a plan is going to consume my thoughts even more.

Andi

Quote from: maybe_amanda on October 15, 2007, 11:56:30 AM
Did you girls that transitioned late feel some force or feeling of destiny to transition?

Ya.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

Lori: I don't know what the cutoff is but it seems that we have the girls that transition by 25-30 and then those of us that it
seems to hit late thirties and early forties (where I am). I don't want to generalize at all but for the sake of this discussion
I think 35 or later could be considered late???

QuoteI always knew something was different about me but couldn't put a finger on it. So many things weren't right for me.

I can relate to many of the things, the sleeplessness, the consuming thoughts. And I'm just starting to understand those things and how it's shaped my entire life.

Posted on: October 15, 2007, 03:48:26 PM

---

I found this and thought I would share it.

QuoteThe age of desperation and action commonly begins in early adulthood, when the transsexual is finally confronted with the inevitability of their misery being permanent, or as soon as a degree of independence from family is achieved that would permit transition to the proper sex. This expression of transsexuality is sometimes called 'Early Onset Transsexualism'.

Sometimes the suffering transsexual is totally hopeless, without enough information or understanding, or trapped by choices and is also unable to face suicide. The result is a massive purge and redoubled effort to conform, and the transsexual enters a stage of denial and repression that can last years...even decades. At some point, generally as the transsexual approaches middle life and the spectre of eventual mortality becomes real, as balding sets in and youth is lost, the repression abruptly ends and a mad scramble to make up for lost time and life ensues. Families are disrupted and all the carefully built up facade of normality is commonly thrown into chaos, as the aging transsexual rallies against cruel time and the misery of decades of lost years. The solutions are essentially the same as for the 'Early Onset' transsexual, only later in life, and with consequently far more complications. This expression of transsexuality is sometimes referred to as 'Late Onset Transsexualism'.

I have purged three times in my life. I'm tired of running as well, and time certainly pushes when you realise that you are running out.

do sort of young people have a say in this thread?  I think we all share something in common :D

Anyone here who is over 40 or so didn't have a realistic option to transition when they were young. When I was young, transsexuals, by and large, did not exist. In the late 70s, I dated a rather famous and beautiful transwoman. She never disclosed and I found out when we became intimate. Well, actually I knew, I just didn't want to admit it. (Guys lie about knowing, believe me, they usually know.)

I did not think transition was possible, for some reason, I thought I might not "qualify" and even if I did, I never heard of transitioning on the job. Most of the girls back then financed their transition by working in the trade. And I did not think that I could do that even if I found it morally acceptable. (I didn't think I would be attractive enough) Little did I know that twenty years later I would transition and be attractive enough make good money turning tricks. Life is like a box of chocolates indeed.

Posted on: October 16, 2007, 12:06:58 AM

---

QuoteLori: I don't know what the cutoff is but it seems that we have the girls that transition by 25-30 and then those of us that it
seems to hit late thirties and early forties (where I am). I don't want to generalize at all but for the sake of this discussion
I think 35 or later could be considered late???

In a way, 35 may be later than say 55. The 55 YO did not have a realistic option to transition when young. The 35 year old did.

I doubt that thirty years from now that you will be seeing many people transitioning past forty.

Ooooooops forgot about the age. I was 55 when I started transitioning.

Hi Lisbeth

"Hee, hee, hee hee!"

QuoteYa.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

I couldn't think of a better reason to do the transitioning.

Me like everyone else, well, a lot of others here in this message board, my whole life, my mind was all consuming with the obsession to be a girl. Geeeee that sounds weird now after living as a woman for the last 7 years.

While I was living by myself before transitioning I was pretty good at role playing, like in a theatre, although in this case my living room was the theatre I play acted out my scenes. I could be a lady in a gown dancing with here debonair rich gentleman friend. Or climb down the hill behind the apartment building to play desert Princess in an old abandoned sand pit.

Or walk down  the trail through the woods down to the beach and dance around on the sand like a fairy princes. Ah but it was fun. I maybe getting into theatrics play acting the medieval scene in the spring, I am really looking forward to it.   

For the first two years of my living full time as Cindy, I had a friends 3 children in my care, what a way to start full time huh, but there was no problem I love children,. Come to think about it now I wanted to be me, there was no resisting it in the end, again I WANTED to.

Cindy

Quote from: Lisbeth on October 15, 2007, 03:40:48 PM
Ya.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

Yep, same realization for me too. The fear of dying as a male, having never lived a single day as a female, eventually overpowered my fears of transitioning - fears in which I was absolutely convinced transition meant a life of scorn, abuse and ridicule.

But if got the point I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE.

~Kate~

QuoteDid you girls that transitioned late feel some force or feeling of destiny to transition?

Throughout my life my thoughts have been pushed deep inside and while I always
knew they were there I never acted on them for many of the same reasons that have
been discussed.

The last few months has been like a flood that has just hit me and it feels like I really
need to do this. As far as I know nothing triggered it, no life changes, etc. It just
somehow came out. And thinking about the possibility that I could still transition makes
me incredibly happy.

Has anyone else experienced this?

To quote Popeye the Sailor, "That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!"  That's hitting "critical mass."  That was me.
I was 5 when I found myself dressing in my older sister's hand-me-downs instead of my older brother's.  I was 9 and in Catholic school when I knew that I should have been the girl who was in line ahead of me instead of who I was.  I prayed at night to wake-up as a girl.  I touched my dream by wearing my sister's things when I was home alone.  I graduated high school knowing that at best my life was a sham.

Time passed.  I was too afraid to try to "pass."

I came home from the military, lived in the boonies where gays were fair game and lesbians the subject of insults from the local "men."  I still knew that I was not in the right body but I have already bought into the "system" and married and all that other stuff.

Fast forward to 1995.  I bought a computer and read everything that I could about transsexuality.  After seven years of looking and lurking, the walls went down one night and I spilled my guts in a chat room.  I went on for 2.5 hours.  I was never the same again.

I adopted a name and never looked back.

I was ready when the time was right for me.  No person, thing, or institution could hold me back.  I was 51 when I began this wondrous journey that a close lady friend of mine refers to as my "time of wonderment."

I did it then because I could and no one could stand in my path.

To Lisbeth:  I wish I was able to say it in as few words as you.  Be well and happy.  You are one good friend to these Forums.

Wing Walker
Flying High on Life

This is a great post!!! Everyone that has replied has echoed exactly how I've been feeling. Amanda- it hit me in Sept. 2007 "...like a flood...". I didn't think I'd even start counseling for a long while, but it nagged at me so much that I jumped right in, and the first session was fantastic!!!

It's consumed me so much that, honestly, I haven't given a lot of thought as to how or in what way rather family or friends will react, I need to do this. I surpressed it for so long, and it got easier when I gained so much weight I thought "well there, you see, you could never go there". Then of course my constant worrying over age. I'm now 38, and posts and replys like these keep me going as well as my counselor.

I can't say exactly what triggered everything finally. I just came home from a great vacation, had been dealing with some pretty severe depression then. One night last month, I was online and something told me to come back to this web site (susan's). I had been here once before approx. 1 or 2 years ago, just observing, I didn't "sign in" or have an introduction. I just came here, and I guess maybe...that was the trigger? dunno. Just so damn glad I did.

Hi Morticia

20 years ago they didn't have the Internet and things that were considered the unspeakable like words that began with *trans* anything. Yes it would have been a lot more difficult to transition back then there was only very few places that specialised with trnaexuality back then. Not to mention those that did wish to transition had various different reasons that held them back.

Family was the major #1 problem to deal with, their jobs #2, sell the house? Don't sell the house? wrong time of the month, year, have to pay the car off, any number of reasons right down to their toe nails.  Heck I know some who didn't start transitioning until their mid fifties, my Soul mate and I fit that category, well as far as the age goes anyway.

There weren't any facilities there where lived and I knew I needed a therapist to get the hormones. There weren't any in the immediate area that were available. Luckily my shrink found me an endocrinologist in the city of Toronto about 200 miles away. I seen this endo all of three times when she informed me she was leaving to pursue another vocation. I had her transfer the prescriptions for hormones to my JP in my home town. So here I have a shrink  with only minimal knowledge of Gender Dysphoria and a JP who only wrote out the scripts for the hormones and androgen blocker as requested by the endocrinologist.

And here I was filling out all the forms and sending money orders for my my change of ID.I did it all by my little old self, practically all of the whole damned shebang right into full time. Hmmmmm reminds me of my youngest daughter when she was getting on the buss to go back to university in Toronto, she leaned over and said to me with such pride, "I did it all by myself dad. There was no one there when I needed them." She is now a child psychologist living somewhere in Toronto. So like my daughter I can look back and say, with much pride and determination, "yes!" "I did it!" and I did it by myself. I think my stomach was in my throat in the beginning, but now I wear it proudly like a pendant on my chest. I was 55 years old when I began now 7 years later full time and four years since SRS. Once the cogs locked into place the rest of the machinery ran smoothly and effectively.

Cindy

hi ...   morticia  . yes i would go along with that very much so .  you are just over me yes at 60 there are a few of us now coming out  .& thats neat it was much the same for us .funny so far away .yet the same in so many ways . family o yes.    o yes we are in new zealand & harder for us very little to go on .  no info & hormones.    i like what you said about your daughter .neat .& the cogs o yes .  thats what it felt like for me . when every thing was locked in .  it all worked & heres the point . not be fore .  no way ..it just would not go   .thank you for your letter thats great .....noeleena ...   

Quote from: Kate on October 16, 2007, 12:58:00 AM

Quote from: Lisbeth on October 15, 2007, 03:40:48 PM
Ya.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

Yep, same realization for me too. The fear of dying as a male, having never lived a single day as a female, eventually overpowered my fears of transitioning - fears in which I was absolutely convinced transition meant a life of scorn, abuse and ridicule.

But if got the point I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE.

~Kate~

And now my greatest fear is getting Alzheimer's and forgetting that I transitioned.

shanetastic: I did not mean to exclude anyone, and I welcome any comments. I'm trying to deal with my feelings and being late (early forties) I thought I could relate better to those that also waited. But please feel free to comment I value everyones comments.

QuoteLife is miserable when you have to look in the mirror and see a strange man there looking back at you.

I feel that so much. I've never like having pictures taken I think for the same reason. My face and body seem so yucky to me when I see
it in print. I never realized why until recently when I started delving into why things are like they are.

QuoteI have NOTHING in common with men.  I can not relate to them on any level.

It's funny how you go through life making decisions and don't realize why you make them. I've never had close male friends and I think this could be the reason. Even if they have the same interests they come at the subject from a totally different angle.

It is sooooooo great to have everyone here with the same experiences and be able to work through what I've been feeling all these years. Thanks so much everyone, it's making me feel closer to taking the "maybe" off my name.

Sometimes, when life slows down, what's important to us that's been pushed aside.
Other times, many of us can have manic stages.  Just be careful, they can last for months and get yuo into situations you'd rather not be in if you don't make sure yuo're doing what's right.

Around here, the young people call Early transitioners "Primary transsexuals" and late transitioners "Secondary transsexuals" and I am not sure why. Anyway my late transition was due to similiar circumstances as Morticia. I would have never spoken to my parents about it as a youngster. And the other kids would have beaten me to death. Literally. I caught enough hell as it was without exposing myself.  I buried it deep inside as long as I could stand it. Finally, about 5 years ago, when my life was in a shambles, I said, "What the hell, I've nothing to lose now, and I have the support and resources, so here I go!"

I guess I would be considered an early transitioner, but either way, I just came to a point in my life where I didn't care about anything or anyone.  I was in a nice deep depression, when I decided, what the heck, I guess I'll just take a stab at this since my life can't get any worse.  Thus far I don't regret anything in regards to that decision :D 

Quote from: shanetastic on October 28, 2007, 09:20:12 PM
I guess I would be considered an early transitioner, but either way, I just came to a point in my life where I didn't care about anything or anyone.  I was in a nice deep depression, when I decided, what the heck, I guess I'll just take a stab at this since my life can't get any worse.  Thus far I don't regret anything in regards to that decision :D 

Another one!!! Why could I just avoid depression in the 1st place - I wanted none of this.

Seams like HRT is the asnwer to everyones depression  :'(.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on October 28, 2007, 09:47:39 PM

Quote from: shanetastic on October 28, 2007, 09:20:12 PM
I guess I would be considered an early transitioner, but either way, I just came to a point in my life where I didn't care about anything or anyone.  I was in a nice deep depression, when I decided, what the heck, I guess I'll just take a stab at this since my life can't get any worse.  Thus far I don't regret anything in regards to that decision :D 

Another one!!! Why could I just avoid depression in the 1st place - I wanted none of this.

Seams like HRT is the asnwer to everyones depression  :'(.

Alice

Alice, I don't think it could be said any better.  That whole denial thing, that is dealing with depression.  Well, at least for me it was.  Ultimately though, you can only live in denial for so long, and then I relapsed into that huge depression where I just shut out the world and tried to figure out whether I wanted to live or end it over this stuff.

Really, I don't think anyone wanted this :P  Still to this day I really wish I didn't have to deal with this.  But what can you do about it really though.  I guess just deal with it the best you can and make the most out of the rest of your life.  So I chose to try to make it better, but we'll see how it turns out in the long run.  I'm still very self concious and in a sense to this day as well, so I can only hope for the best.

Hi again Nickie
Yep I can agree with the part about what the other kids would have done. I was getting enough beatings already just for being there. Everyone thought I was weird because I kept to myself, I was a loner. To tell any one at school was certainly not an option or any grown ups about my secret  desire to be a girl. Witch burning would have been legalised again. Getting some relief now and again by dressing up with some clothes I had stashed around the premises. Everything culminated to a sobering realisation for me 8 years ago when I knew I needed to do something or just end it. I started full time 7 years ago.

Cindy

At age 44 an illness nearly killed me, causing me to take stock of everything.  I had no idea that the thoughts I had about being female would come flooding out, but now I see the connection.  Part of me had never really gotten a chance to live, only a chance to get a peek at life before being smothered time and time again, starting when I was small.  The shame and guilt I felt was incredible.  I also had no idea that anyone else felt the same way.  I came to Susan's out of desperation to try to understand what was going on with me.  I still hoped I could talk my way out of this, that it was only a passing phase.  But it's like trying to put the genie back in the bottle.  I can suppress it for a while, grow depressed again, or enjoy the life and the challenges I face.  So I now feel I am being pushed along by something bigger than myself.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Quote from: Alice on October 28, 2007, 09:47:39 PM
Seams like HRT is the asnwer to everyones depression  :'(.

Not at all. HRT doesn't cure depression for anyone. Being true to yourself can though (*if* that's the source of the depression) ;)

~Kate~

Hi Kristi

I do so agree with you. For me it was like there were two me's playing a tug of war or like two people constantly conversing with each other in my head. Finally after nearly ending up driving my car into a rock cut I was finally at peace when the other part of me, image in my mind, The other part of me laid his sword on the ground and said I will fight no more and just laid down and went  into peaceful rest.

Cindy 

Quote from: Kate on October 28, 2007, 10:24:21 PM

Quote from: Alice on October 28, 2007, 09:47:39 PM
Seams like HRT is the asnwer to everyones depression  :'(.

Not at all. HRT doesn't cure depression for anyone. Being true to yourself can though (*if* that's the source of the depression) ;)

~Kate~

Is transistion a physical need - I would say yes - there is something within HRT that our brain needs. As tink Said.

Quote from: Tink on October 28, 2007, 09:57:47 PM


Due to recent studies, I firmly believe that transsexual people are born with a congenital neurological condition that requires treatment; so it's fair to say that for transsexual people, transition IS a physical need.


tink :icon_chick:

Notice how everyone has problem withdrawing from HRT. That Physcial need is to great.

Alice

In a perfect world I would have started transitioning in my teens, however, this was not possible for me in 1989. I did know that transitioning was possible but I had no idea that you could start at that age. Plus, I was worried about any negative reactions if I had come out at that age (11). So, I spent a lot of time being angry and depressed and later turned to substance abuse to 'help' things. Fast forward to age 29 and that is when the "alarm" went off in my head. I became an utter wreck and thought about death everyday and attempted suicide three different times. It was a dark time for me. Earlier this year I finally found a therapist, and a few months later I started electro. I received my HRT letter 8 months after starting therapy and found an endo and started HRT two months later. Since then things have improved tenfold and I am actually happy again. Happiness was something that I thought that I would never feel again and life is SO much better now.

Jealousy.. I was still on the fence and two years sober.  I saw a Trans-woman on the train to boston. After a week of watching her go through everything. I said to myself "i can do that and could do it better".

After that everything just slip into place. Therapist, support, money and Endo..

Here I am and loving it......

Hi, Morticia,

What you have described in your post is a near carbon copy of the stuff  I have experienced.

Oh, good grief, I am so happy I don't get the depressions any more. I am usually a pretty happy and bubbly person and I am happy that those qualities have returned. It would be so much of a waste of what precious time I have left in this world if it didn't.

I am as female as I can be, and I am happy as can be with my life. I will agree with what you said about the hormones, that they don't have any affect on one's moods but the mones do have a lot to do with a change of your anatomy.  If one can actually take control and become conscious of themselves and know who they truly are, they can experience a change in their character and personality as well as bringing-on very profound emotional changes.  Then one will see life around them change due to a major change in their perspective.

But one has to want to change before they can change. You are quite right, you are not the same person you were when you bought the ticket for the Greyound to transition. I believe that about 80 % of your growth and learning about the true self within is actually done before the surgery.   

I am just  realizing what it is I am watching materialize before me.
I am watching an evolution that is a revolution. Transexuality is being diagnose and treated in children as young as 8 years old. There pre op teenagers who at age 18 or 19 are ready for their GRS after having started their transition and rel life experience in Middle school.

The evolution is in the diagnosis and treatment of Transexuality. The revolution is in the quality of our lives and the life expectancies of our younger brothers and sister who will likely not die by the age of 30 by their own hand.

Only just a short 20 years ago Transexuality, or gender dysphoria had finally made it into the books as a psychological disorder. A definition made my medical community. It was classified as Harry Benjamin syndrome 

So that was part of the reason we older folks took longer getting there and damn lucky to still be here t talk about it.

Cindy

Quote from: morticia on October 29, 2007, 11:44:45 PM

Oh how I've changed..  More inside than on the outside but that's getting there too.
But depression?  I'll never be free of that demon.

If I thought transistion would not get rid of the depression - I would not transistion. The whole idea of transistion is to become happy - not to continue depression.

Alice

Quote
Well, I'm working on it.
But I've got serious problems.  My life has been a pile of crap from the day I was conceived until this very moment.
I've got almost 47 years of bad crap rotting in my brain.
If I could wake up tomorrow looking like Miss America I assure you I would be much less depressed but I would still have a lot of bad crap fermenting in my head that will never go away. 
Transitioning doesn't take away the pain of all the years of abuse one suffers.
Transitioning won't undo all the beatings and broken bones, emotional abuse and other abuse that went on year after year after year.

I'm transitioning to be me.  If I find happiness along the way it won't be strictly because I transitioned, it will be because part of my brain malfunctions and I would have no more memories of all those very bad years.

I'm not transitioning to become happy, I'm doing it because I have to.  There simply is no other option.
I HOPE that someday I can be happy.  But I doubt that will ever happen.  Unless like I said, all those memories vaporize.

:)

I can relate to you Morticia, being an abuse survivor is a constant struggle, some of us win and some of us don't.  :(

I'm still struggling with the whole transition thing, but options seem to be narrowing. My life completely changed a few years ago. I moved to another state, divorced, my kids grew up and grew apart from me. I was living alone for the first time in my life. I started over. Completely. What to do with myself, those thoughts and feelings in my head. I rebuilt how I ate, became vegetarian, became physically active, and calmed down. Then started to dress better, less hiding my shape. I became less anxious, less angry. I started to behave in a less stereotypical masculine way, that I had adopted to disguise the fact that I wasn't really a boy. Then my thoughts and feelings really started to scream at me, that I was never a boy, which I always knew. Suicidal thoughts became more frequent and started to scare me. I had to do something. I've started therapy, started presenting more female. Working on laser and voice. In boy mode, I'm more feminine, kinder, more fashionable. I'm starting to show up on people's queer radar. And I love it!

Quote from: Kristi on October 28, 2007, 10:09:21 PM
At age 44 an illness nearly killed me, causing me to take stock of everything.

Kristi.......I'm happy you made this decision/discovery/necesity now.  See.....some of us are much much later than you.  I started transition at age 54.  Still, I am as happy as can be.  It's interesting, our transitions began on the same note, although I didn't have a life-threatening illness.  It was  just a sudden realization that if I hid forever, I would never have the life I needed.  Soon after that, I took my first dose on my way to puberty.
Good luck to you, girl!  By the way, your latest pic shows a very, very pretty lady hidden in all that fog.  Like all late transitioners, we gradually emerge from our fog, and crystallize into our true female selves.


Bev

Re: What triggered your late transition?
My early transition.....

it only became a late transition because I couldn't get the help, support or treatment earlier on. The diagnosis of gender dyspgoria was made very early on....

Quote from: morticia on October 30, 2007, 02:34:06 PM
Same here.  I  *KNEW* I was a girl when I was 4 years old (I think that's how old I was).
I was taping my bits and pieces away out of sight when I was 4 years old.
And I have no idea where I got that from, I had never even seen a naked person except me.
I just knew that it wasn't right down there.
But this was 1965.  Not a good year to come out.
When I was caught taping I was beaten bloody, constantly.
That sort of put the brakes on things for awhile ya know?
I was beaten almost everyday of my life until I turned 18 and moved out. 
Even then it was 1979 and the info did not exist in this bumpkin redneck part of the world.
It was the mid 80's before I even found out one *could* transition.
And it was the 1989 when I took my first shot at it.

A lot of us old timers had a lot of things working against us.
It was a very, very different world back then..

I was first diagnosed as gender dysphoric by a doctor in 1984....

Although I had presented as female from as early as 13 I didn't start looking into transitioning until the late 1980's. The private clinic that I was in contact with at that time charged very excessive rates for just a consultation. I found it confusing and exploitive and at that we hadn't got the internet or the same kind of help there is today. It wasn't until 1998 that I started transition...

Even though we must be of similar ages? I don't see myself as an 'Old timer' just yet Morticia.....

Quote from: Lisbeth on October 16, 2007, 09:44:53 AM

And now my greatest fear is getting Alzheimer's and forgetting that I transitioned.

this is a bad thing why?
R :police:

I'm not going to die, I am going to get abducted by aliens. ;D
Berliegh and mortician, I am probably the same age maybe a little older then you two. I would like to respond to both of your messages but my Soul Mate and I will be stepping out for a while and I will write when I get back. I heartily know some about abuse, been there to.

Cindy 

Quote from: cindybc on October 30, 2007, 03:17:09 PM
I'm not going to die, I am going to get abducted by aliens. ;D
Berliegh and mortician, I am probably the same age maybe a little older then you two. I would like to respond to both of your messages but my Soul Mate and I will be stepping out for a while and I will write when I get back. I heartily know some about abuse, been there to.

Cindy 

.......oh dear...have I just aged that much already in 10 minutes .. or maybe I just look it...lol

I'm in my 40's...is that still classed as a an 'Old timer'?

Hi Berliegh
"hee, hee" sorry, Then that makes you just a young-un to me.  ;D

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on October 30, 2007, 03:30:55 PM
Hi Berliegh
"hee, hee" sorry, Then that makes you just a young-un to me.  ;D

Cindy

I'll have to find a better profile pic.......I thought I looked young for my age but maybe I don't. 

I think you look in your 30s, but thats me :)

Quote from: cindybc on October 30, 2007, 03:17:09 PM
I'm not going to die, I am going to get abducted by aliens. ;D
Berliegh and mortician, I am probably the same age maybe a little older then you two. I would like to respond to both of your messages but my Soul Mate and I will be stepping out for a while and I will write when I get back. I heartily know some about abuse, been there to.

Cindy 

Im not going to die... im going to hell to get SRS... (Spirit ReaSignment...)
R :police:

Quote from: Rachael on October 30, 2007, 03:05:12 PM

Quote from: Lisbeth on October 16, 2007, 09:44:53 AM
And now my greatest fear is getting Alzheimer's and forgetting that I transitioned.

this is a bad thing why?

Well, it certainly may be. Alzheimer's does weird and largely unpredictable things to the brain, and it often destroys more recent memories while keeping early ones. It's possible she'll revert to believing herself a severely gender dysphoric teenage boy -- but then again, she might revert to a teenage girl too. It just depends on which memories go first.  :(

  Nfr

i think her suggestion was that she would forget her transition, and that in itself would be a bad thing, being stuck as a woman with no memory of being anything else, i cant see much wrong, but meh.
R :police:

Quote from: Rachael on October 31, 2007, 09:36:59 AM
i think her suggestion was that she would forget her transition, and that in itself would be a bad thing, being stuck as a woman with no memory of being anything else, i cant see much wrong, but meh.
R :police:

Getting stuck remembering nothing but being male would be like being in hell to me.

With Alzheimer's there would only be a life force that keeps the body, the human shell alive, but the intellect and the consciousness will take a powder into the next dimension. I do believe that even though the soul is not any of the physical genders it could still be of the femme persona. Now this is only my belief, but once the soul gets gone who is going to worry about what transpired on this world?

Cindy

That's not the experience I've had with Alzheimer's sufferers I've known.  It's been like a rewinding of their memories.  The most recent ones go first until all they are left with are the ones from childhood.  I'd rather die than be stuck with nothing but those memories from my childhood.

crap, that would suck ><
R :police:

Yep, Alzheimer's sucks big time. Still, it's not quite a straightforward rewind of memories: certainly the recent ones go first and the ones that stay longest are mostly from the early days, but it's a random process. For instance, my grandmother recognised mom as a relative right until the end, many years after forgetting grandfather (although the exact relationship was lost -- as it must have been, since by that time she knew she was 17).

Anyway, I haven't seen anything on how Alzheimer's affects transsexuals. At a guess, gender identity may well be such a fundamental part of one's personality that it will stay.

  Nfr

Quote from: Seshatneferw on October 31, 2007, 02:34:40 PM
Yep, Alzheimer's sucks big time. Still, it's not quite a straightforward rewind of memories: certainly the recent ones go first and the ones that stay longest are mostly from the early days, but it's a random process. For instance, my grandmother recognised mom as a relative right until the end, many years after forgetting grandfather (although the exact relationship was lost -- as it must have been, since by that time she knew she was 17).

Unlike my mother who at the end thought I was her brother.

This conversation is odd to me.  I work with Alzheimer's patients on a fairly regular basis.  There is NOTHING good about this disease.  Nothing!  There is no way of predicting which memories will come or go.  The only sure thing is that the person is eventually left as a disconnected body in this world, bringing hardship on family and friends.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Re: What triggered your late transition?

???

what's considered late transition?  30 and over?

paypal for grs... whatever next ><
I consider late waiting 20 years after i was born to be me again...
R :police:

I don't know what age is considered late, I was in my 30s.

I was married at 26, and sometime during my marriage came out as gay. I'd had a few experiences before that, both gay and crossdressing, however chalked it all up to "experimentation". Fast forward a few years, we divorced, and I lived as an openly gay/bi male for a couple of years.

In 1993 I went with a transgender friend to the GLB march on Washington... T hadn't been added yet, maybe bi wasn't even added either, I don't remember. We marched with various groups during the afternoon. Finally she said let's go find the trans contingent. We did, it was a small group, maybe couple of dozen people, and marched with them the rest of the afternoon. Interestingly, I felt more comfortable with them than anywhere else that day. Hmmmm. The very next day, I realized that I was transgender and came out, transitioned and started RLE very shortly after.

zythyra 

I think anything over 18 years old is a late transition...

testoterone usually kicks in by then and your body will develop in the way you don't want it to. Some might get less exposure and get away with more but it happens and it's then hard to eradicate.

I started in my 30's but was taking hormones in my mid 20's and even though I didn't know what to do at that time I knew I had to take something.

Boy, these replies sound so familiar it's scary.  I had started a transition of sorts in my early 30's, working on self-awareness and increasing social activities and was probably headed for full-time when I met my wife, fell in love, and believed in what Boylan describes as "true love fixing me."  I remember also feeling the phrase "it's time to put away childish things and grow up."  But, in what lots and lots of us know to be true, GID can't be put away or buried.  Last year, around the end of summer, first of autumn, I was floored with depression, isolation, and desperation, and I knew, even before verbalizing it, that my constant companion during my life, gender dysphoria, was back with me, but more voracious, more tenacious than ever before.  The fall was an awful spiral of misery, of telling myself to "shake it off" or to "think my way out of this mess," but nothing worked.  Around December, I hit bottom and realized, probably for the first time in my life, that there was some sort of biological inevitability about my condition and that no matter how hard I fought, I was going to lose. It felt like I was being pushed, almost unconsciously towards a place that I'd really prefer not to visit, but that I really had not choice about, like cattle being driven, inexorably towards the slaughterhouse.   

However, with the stark realization that this was in huge measure inevitable, even if it wasn't very desirable, I began to reframe the battle so that it wasn't losing, but rather winning the battle of self-awareness and insight.  I started in psychotherapy in December, talked to my wife in January, met my doctor in February, started Spiro in March, started Estradiol in April, started laser in May, lost 40 pounds by June, got a hair transplant in July, adjusted my doses in August, and began making plans for transition with my wife in September and October.  And the funny thing is, the more I take action about this, the better I have begun to feel.  Whoever said in this thread that it wasn't hormones that treated depression, but self-honesty, was absolutely right. 

I'm still frightened, but not desperate.  I really don't know how things will turn out, but I feel as if I have a future as a 47 year old woman instead of a trapped, miserable old man. 

Like others on this thread, I do wish I had had the internet or talk TV or even the most rudimentary awareness of gender issues when I was growing up in the 60's and early 70's, but I simply did not.  I knew about my feelings, but was certain that no one else felt like this and that it would be suicide for a rancher's boy to reveal these feelings to his parents or friends.  On the one hand, I feel cowardly that I didn't pursue this earlier, since fear drove my supression, but on the other hand, I'm realistic enough to recognize that I really don't know how I would have practically pursue it. 

Carpe diem.  Life is short, and if you know what's causing you misery, I think you owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to make yourself whole. 

Joyce

Hi Joyce
Welcome to Susan's. I was 50 years old before I started transitioning, and began full time at 55.
Hun it aint no wonder we didn't start until later in years. I wish I had known about GID back in the sixties and seventies I probably would have started transitioning much sooner. I didn't know anything about it until about 15 years ago. And yes unfortunately some not knowing better drag a wife and children into the scene. And they are darn well very lucky if the wife and kids stick it out with them. There is more I would like to share with you if you wish but right now I am about to go out to get eye brow tattoos.

Sincerely

Cindy   

I'd say that any transition over 20 years of age is considered "late".  The success for transition is harder as ppl get older.  The longer people live in the wrong gender roles, the harder it is to break up old habits and "transition".

Hi, Valentina,
I believe you are right, that hormones seem to have a more profound effect with a younger person, but from what I hear it is not always a constant.  The development of each M/F individual progresses differently.

I have been on HRT for 7 years and 4 years post-op and even though I wish I could have done it sooner, these procedures were not known to me until about 15 years ago. Love the mermaids.  ;D But I am happy grateful to have got to where I am today.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2FMermaid20Treasure20Wallpaper.jpg&hash=845014b0e5d401a894b7c7efdbe8d802811627a5)

And Fairies 

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Ffroud.jpg&hash=21a45f3d494a172ee5e53fc5f7439f464d2c1757)

Hi, Morticia,

Thanks be to the gods in all 7 heavens, Hon, "you got it!"

You are learning about the emotions and how they will allow you to bring forth the tears which release the poison within. Touch the inner-self. Be one with her. 

I am bipolar so I do understand what depressions are about. I sometimes had deep depressions that went on for months. But if you work things out right in your transitioning, yes the depressions will decrease. You are your own doctor in that way. The medicine is positive thinking and prayers to whatever higher power you believe in.

The estrogen will not likely cure the physical problems, or depression, you are quite right, but if you work on being one or complete with your inner-self, the will and power to heal is there, if you believe and have faith in it.  A more positive outlook will help you to heal better. 

For the past 7 years my mood swings have greatly decreased. Where at one time when I was hurt it could send me hiding with depression for months, now it lasts maybe all of one day. So these changes may not be the direct result from using hormones, but more like what the hormones make changes in the anatomy of your being, which in turn makes you feel better about yourself.

Cindy     

Every one transition at their own pace and I transitioned in my 30's. I only got comfortable with who I was and after a few life altering incidents which made me realise that life i running out.

Hi jeanmarie

Quotelife i running out.

Yes that thought runs through my mind quite often, but I desire not to entertain it because I fear if I did I would miss out on too much of what's left of my life. The few years that are left I want to enjoy like there is no tomorrow. Does that make sense? Well anyway I for once in my life I feel truly happy and I really don't want negative thoughts to cut me short of my happiness.

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on November 05, 2007, 03:43:16 AM
Hi jeanmarie

Quotelife i running out.

Yes that thought runs through my mind quite often, but I desire not to entertain it because I fear if I did I would miss out on too much of what's left of my life. The few years that are left I want to enjoy like there is no tomorrow. Does that make sense? Well anyway I for once in my life I feel truly happy and I really don't want negative thoughts to cut me short of my happiness.

Cindy

Let the thought become your motivation and your inspiration with which you plot your life's destiny along. Thought are pure its only with what we do with them that skew them.

Quote from: Kristi on October 28, 2007, 10:09:21 PM....
only a chance to get a peek at life before being smothered time and time again, starting when I was small.  The shame and guilt I felt was incredible.  I also had no idea that anyone else felt the same way.  I came to Susan's out of desperation to try to understand what was going on with me.  I still hoped I could talk my way out of this, that it was only a passing phase.  But it's like trying to put the genie back in the bottle.  I can suppress it for a while, grow depressed again, or enjoy the life and the challenges I face.  So I now feel I am being pushed along by something bigger than myself.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

i thought mind reading was illeagel  ;) but yes.. that describs what i feel and why im here.. i jsut stoped boxing it up and denying it to my self much younger.. although id almost like to burry it again and pretend it isnt an issue and wish it would go away.
i dotn see it going away so for me now is time to cope before life actually gets hard.

see the 'What triggered your early transition'? thread...

Quote from: jeanmarie on November 05, 2007, 03:32:32 AM
Every one transition at their own pace and I transitioned in my 30's.

That is only true for younger people. If I were 16 right now and assuming I had an internet connection, I would already be on HRT.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 19, 2007, 09:00:55 AM

Quote from: jeanmarie on November 05, 2007, 03:32:32 AM
Every one transition at their own pace and I transitioned in my 30's.

That is only true for younger people. If I were 16 right now and assuming I had an internet connection, I would already be on HRT.

I think your right....as a young teenager I was snatching low dose contraceptive pills from girls I knew but I had no idea how to get proper HRT and this was the late 1970's.....no internet back then...

I tried to use estrogen cream. It didn't work.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 19, 2007, 03:44:46 PM
I tried to use estrogen cream. It didn't work.

Yes, me too....I tried the oestregel and rubbed it over in the obvious places.....it did absolutely nothing!

I am just grateful that I was able to transition at all. It certainly wasn't realistically possible when I was young. Sometimes I get pangs of regret when I see how pretty I was 16 and even without FFS  would have been pretty hot. OTOH there are a lot of things I would not have had, like my son, which was truly the best thing that ever happened in my life.

The years of my three children were very troubled and I ended up being very sick. I wasn't sorry to loose my spouse from hell but losing the children hurt deeply. I never saw them again except for briefly for two years when they were shipping out to college. So actually my transitioning was my healing time. Healing physically, mentally and spiritually.

Cindy

Hi Morticia
It's ok now though, the past three years have been the most peaceful wonderful years of my life with Wing Walker protecting, caring and loving me. Intimacy 24 7. Life is just to darn short now that I have all that a girl could desire.

Cindy   

When I first got onto the internet in the 90's, I went to a book store and found a book called "Internet Phone Book."  I, of course, looked up "transsexual" and found a chat room (that no longer exists) called "The Gazebo."  I guess that internet search engines weren't around or were not in my scope of knowledge -- I look up SOO many things via Google these days, lol!  Through the Gazebo and several books ("True Self"), I came to recognize myself and all the angst that I'd kept trapped inside throughout my life since early childhood. 

My ex (who was critical because she was trying to "save" me) stated the obvious:  That there are websites and info on every esoteric interest ranging from many good things to some weird things like pedophiles and skinheads.  I pointed out how many esoteric medical diseases that are misdiagnosed by doctors and, only via the internet, have people suffering these diseases found each other and thus realized, they're not alone.  She countered that skinheads and other negative small groups also "find each other" via the internet.  Now post op, my journey is through and, in looking back, feel my ex was trying her best to protect me albeit in a fairly insulting way.  Like Renee Richards related in her autobiography, I have no certainty that I've done the correct thing but have done what I felt compelled to do; the often stated "transition or die."  My ex pointed out that there are all kinds of obssessions and she asked whether what I was feeling was something I'd talked myself into?  There is no real answer to that -- I feel the way I feel and it's all I CAN feel.  The internet is, unarguably, an incredibly powerful thing but it didn't talk me into anything.  Like others, it "triggered" (or, more accurately, "helped") my transition.  Transitioning is something I dwelled on WAYYY before the internet.  I can only hope that, unlike negative obssessions that harm humanity, mine is a positive change, executed from my heart with hopes of an ever better life...

As time moves on.

Teri Anne

Quote from: morticia on November 19, 2007, 10:55:10 PM
Let's see, when I was 14 (1975) I tried the only thing I could think of.  Witchcraft.
Didn't work btw.

When I was 23 (1984, I think) I was stealing BC pills from my lesbian GF.
Sort of worked, a little.  Problem was, I didn't know what I was doing and almost died from overdosing on them.
Gave up on that.

At least now I know what I'm doing and I'm doing it right despite the fact that it's about 30 years later than I would have started had I had real options back then..

Oh well.  Lemonade anyone?

You same the same age as me Morticia and I was doing the same thing at 23, taking BC pills from girlfriends but they knew about it. It was pretty obvious to girls I knew which way I wanted to go from way back...

When we were 14 in the mid 70's we didn't have the internet. These days you could be 14 and probably buy hormones over the internet......If I were 14 now that's what I'd be doing....

The earlier the transirtion the better and no one I know who  is TS had any intention of starting out or wanting to have a late transition...

Hi Teri hon, it is so very nice to hear you say those words, especially what you said near the end. And thank you so much for spending some time with Wing Walker and I yesterday. There is a whole host of things I would like to do and I hope I can get the time to do some of them before that Grey Hound bus arrives. ****Gnite****

Cindy

This applies both ways..

The statistics show for themselves, less people transitioned in the 1970's / 1980's compared to now.....why? because medication is more readily available and the internet now exists where you can buy it from the internet. The world had changed over the last 30 years, there is more public knowledge and less prejudice  about gender dysphoria and there are readily available contacts on the internet to book appointments etc..

I have no doubt in my mind that all the people classed as 'Late transitioners' would be early transitioners if they were born in the 1980's instead of being born in the 1950's or 1960's...

Berliegh wrote, "I have no doubt in my mind that all the people classed as 'Late transitioners' would be early transitioners if they were born in the 1980's instead of being born in the 1950's or 1960's..."

YES!! Exactly!  So, the question of this post, "What triggered your LATE transition," can be misleading -- presuming like we had a choice, lol?  If you don't know Paris exists as a glorious beautiful city, you stay on the farm and pitch that hay ("How 'ya gonna keep 'em on the farm after they've seen Pareee?").  Anyone (well, except for citizens of China) on the internet today has the WORLD at your beckoned call.  So, please don't look down on us for transitioning "late."  It's not like we couldn't make up our minds and then finally got around to it.  The world changed and we rushed as fast as we could into our "brave new worlds," lol.

Teri Anne

P.S. to Paula and Cindy - Yes, we'll have to get together again!  There's an Amtrak train/bus combo that would get me up to Vancouver for around $92 round trip.  I might then find a cheap hotel and car and see the sights.  It'd be good to see Stanley Park once again.  Thanks again for driving down here.

Terri anne, doncha know that the younguns were just smarter than us, choosing to be born in this age of universal access to transition.

i dont think we need to discuss 'luck' 'choice' or starting any more young vs older transition wars melissa...
R :police:

Hi Teri hon, don't worry about the motel room just let us know where and when to pick you up. I really believe this could lead to a fun time, maybe talk about our favorite subject, the cosmos and the Universe. Hey we can always drive around town and see what stores we would like to check out.

Cindy 

I just turned 39 this past week.

My first "hard time" was 12 years ago -- the first time I seriously contemplated transition. However, I had a wife and children and also had spiritual issues over the entire thing that I was working through. My choice at that time was to work at staying where I was for my family and because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Over the years, I worked through all of my other emotional issues (social anxiety/depression)... and eventually the only issue I had not addressed and worked through was my gender dysphoria. My depression had also gradually been getting worse over time. I did not want to hurt my wife and children by transitioning, but I didn't know how much longer I could survive if I did not do something. I became suicidal and spent every night for months fighting off the urge to kill myself, life and work just became very hard, and I withdrew from everyone.

Finally my wife got a real understanding of how close I was to dying, and told me that she would support whatever I needed to do in order to resolve this. My spiritual beliefs had also shifted somewhat over the years, so I no longer felt that transition was "wrong." So this past May I started electro and seriously pursuing all of this (working on my voice, building a support network IRL, coming out online, etc.)

It's funny. From a practical standpoint, my goal is to transition. My actual goal is to do whatever I need to do in order to become a "real person." What I have noticed in the process of pursuing all of this is that I have had to work through a lot of my anxieties and learn to accept myself and even my body (because it's the only body I have, regardless of its gender). I have had to be brave. I have had to learn to trust people rather than assuming the worst. I have had to plan and organize and schedule and discipline myself (things I am bad at by nature). I have had to stop hiding myself, stop covering myself up in fear of rejection, and be willing to be "out there" and let people think what they want.

Remarkably, this had made me a MUCH happier person to be around. I know wherever I end up, I am going somewhere good and I'm going to finally be "me," at long last. It is not an easy road, and my family is my major concern -- I want my children to still feel loved and safe and cared for.

So I suppose I waited this long partly out of fear of rejection, and partly out of fear of hurting people I cared deeply about, and partly out of fear of making a mistake. It was a dreadful thing to do, but I'm not sure how I would have gotten to where I am now otherwise; you can't move forward until you're ready, and I guess I did need all this time to become ready.

~ Jennifer

Hi, Jennifer,
Sounds like you have worked very hard to find out who you are, or who it is that resides within. All the anxiety, fear, and other negative stuff is mostly all manifest and brought about by ones own self.

This negativity is necessary in order to get to the beginning of the journey to where you wanna be. Making amends for past wrongs is also part of of our growth. This journey can be as hard or as easy as it can be, depending on which you decide to follow.

Happy Birthday and welcome to your new life.

Cindy

Quote from: morticia on October 16, 2007, 12:50:20 PM

Quote from: maybe_amanda on October 16, 2007, 11:39:18 AM

It is sooooooo great to have everyone here with the same experiences and be able to work through what I've been feeling all these years. Thanks so much everyone, it's making me feel closer to taking the "maybe" off my name.

You see, there you have it.  The SUPPORT...  There was NO SUPPORT at all in my younger years.  No where at all I could turn to.  No one else I could speak with.  All my fears and tears had to stay bottled up.  And kept bottled up they fermented into acid and they began to eat me alive from the inside out.

Where I live, support did not exist at all.  To come out here was a certain death sentence.
The ignorant people in this area make no distinction between gay and TS.  It didn't matter, the traditional line of thought around here is "kill em all"..  When I was in school there were these three bullies that picked on me constantly.  They were always beating me up because they knew I was different.   Long story short, the littlest one of them picked on me one day in gym class and I almost beat him to death.  I was trying to kill him but the coach pulled me off him.  I had enough and I snapped.  Anyway, the three of them later that year went and killed a gay man in Port Acres, Texas (not far from here) that people called "Cool Joe".  They robbed him, shot him in the head, dumped his body in a ditch and drove around in his truck and went on a spending spree.  They were caught within 72 hours.  However, because they were under age that pretty much got them off.  But what really made it easy on them is that the jury didn't care because it was a gay man they murdered.  So they did some time in a youth facility and walked free when they turned 18. 
When they walked free they some how managed to find me and resumed beating me up.  I escaped by going to sea.
While I spent a few years at sea some good person took a shotgun and blew all three of them away when they attempted a home robbery.  They are dead now.  Good riddance.

That's how people are around here, and still are to this day.

When I made my first transition attempt I moved to Dallas about 500 miles away where I thought I could blend in a little better.  That did help.  Plus I was able to find a support group and made some real life friends who were a huge help.
Just being able to talk with someone that's either already been there, done that or is on the same path is a huge, huge help.  I couldn't have done it otherwise.  And still, that was pre-internet days.

I wish I would have had the internet when I was a teen..  :(  Oh well...

The word justice generally disgusts me cause of stories like this. I'm sorry to hear of that. I got bullied in Private School in 6th and 7th grade. I was cocky, so I started some of it, but nothing was done about it, so I basically got the crap beaten out of me a lot for 2 years. It made me who I am though, and I could never go back to naive happy boy again. It wouldn't be right. Amnesia wouldn't be good either. As for late transition ideas (cause I haven't really jumped on the "coaster" yet.) I got them after alot of thinking about my sexuality and gender and which thing I identified with the most. I didn't feel obliged to conform to which body I was given, or which overpowered sex drive I was given. This, of course, wasn't all of it. I had a couple of relationships which greatly altered my view on things. I had crossdressed many times, even by then, and I had pondered if I were gay before I knew what the real deal was. I loved one of the girls...Painfully I might add. She...Was very messed up though and accused me of horrible things I would never intend in my wildest dreams. I still knew I had problems then, but I loved her so much I didn't care. I had so much going on I wasn't even close to assessing my problems. I always had this fantasy of getting a new body, and it being female. I thought of the conventional approaches, but I thought..."Na...The technology sucks. They'd botch you." (But that had nothing to do with what gender I truly associated with, it only had to do with my inner sense of preservation. The voice which tells you when things can very likely harm you. That voice has begun saying, "Yeah Whatever" lately cause I'm so tired of this.)
After that I pondered deeply. The internet maybe brought on a little of it. I then lost my virginity, and realized how little I enjoyed having a male role. All ties to my maleness, except being a chill friend who liked video games and dumb stuff, were gone... So I guess it was introspective thought, common-sense, and access to other people with relating stories that triggered my want to start transition.
I stumbled across this site when I thought (in my dumb head) that it was still just a "Fetish" even when I crossdressed years before. I started realizing some very heavy things.

Well I would like to embrace and hug all of the young uns here. You are all an awesome bunch of kids. It is so wonderful to see you all doing something about GID at an early age. I pray that you will be able to live a more full and happy life as who you present as

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on December 02, 2007, 12:35:21 AMSounds like you have worked very hard to find out who you are, or who it is that resides within. All the anxiety, fear, and other negative stuff is mostly all manifest and brought about by ones own self.

Hi Cindy, thank you so much for your post.

Yes, it's funny how that works, isn't it? I create much of the negativity in my own head. Not that everyone will be positive, but to an extent I create the environment around me and the attitude with which I face life.

QuoteThis negativity is necessary in order to get to the beginning of the journey to where you wanna be. Making amends for past wrongs is also part of of our growth. This journey can be as hard or as easy as it can be, depending on which you decide to follow.

I can honestly say, that wherever this ends up, I feel I am finally taking responsibility for my life and "growing up" by making choices and then accepting the ramifications of them. I'm genuinely excited to think of where this could go, even though I am sad by some of the changes [in relationships] that have to be worked through.

Hugs,
Jennifer

Jennifer,

I know how you feel, I am 43 about to turn 44 and I waited this long mostly due to the fact that I was married and had a son. I was not able to even think about or deal with the thoughts that I have had all my life of being born the wrong sex, until I was divorced and living on my own. I am Bi-polar, a recovering alcoholic for the last 18yrs, but I have tried to avoid the thoughts and feelings of being born the wrong sex anyway I could, in fact it wasn't until I disclosed this fact to A.A. sponsor that the door to being who I truly am was even cracked open a litle bit. It seems that once I disclosed being possible TS the thoughts feelings were stronger then ever. I finally had to do something about this or I was going to go insane, so I started seeing a therapist, joined this site, and started talking to people here. I have suffered from great bouts of depression because of denying who I truly am, have attempted suicide three times, but ever since I have accepted that I am truly a female and started working on transitioning, I have been somewhat happy.

I still worry about how my 14yr old son will react to all of this, and when and at what age to tell him. The last thing I ever want to do is lose him, he is my life. I also know that I have to continue being true tomyself If I want any chance at all of at least having some peace in my life, so I struggle with how and when I am going to tell him. I have been on hormones just over a month now and I like the way they make me feel.

I have talked to my therapist about why I couldn't have transitioned earlier in life and she made a very valid point which was that I was not ready until now and I totally believe that to be true. I tried anything to avoid looking at the possiblity of being born the wrong sex and I now believe that we transition when we are ready, can accept our true selves, and can deal with all that comes with transitioning.

This is why I waited until late to transition.

Hugz,
Ariana

I wish I had trans'd earlier in life but I didn't because of life, family, marriage, 2 sons and on and on.And I don't know if I ever will fully trans. I sort of slopped together a life that works ok for me for now. I tried for a long time to put a name on it, TV TS CD but never seemed to meet the criteria.So I exist in my confused state,taking HRT(with a Doctor's supervision), I dress both in men's and women's clothes, I wear only F underwear, my ears, nipples and belly button are pierced, I wear womens swimsuits to the beach. I have pretty much a lesbien sexual relationship with my wife. We color our hair together and give each other mani and pedicures.
  Jill, my wife has become much more supportive in the last 5 or so years. We did a little counseling and that helped. It just so nice to be able to be how you see yourself and not keep a huge secret and have all the guilt that goes along with it.

Hi, Ariana,

I believe that the younger the child is told, the better, or at least old enough where they have a grasp on the opposite sex from theirs. I believe they are more accepting at a younger age. 14 is not a bad age.

For me my two daughters were in their early twenties when I told them. They didn't reject me but I could tell that they were not completely for it either. My oldest daughter told me once to more or like follow my heart.

My son was living with me for a couple years and he knew about me and one day I found  him in the depths of depression. I talked away the entire afternoon with him, and when I left he appeared to be feeling better. He went out that evening and I never saw him alive again. About thirty some miles out of town he had been hit by a truck on the highway.

I felt so guilty for a a lot of years after that to the point I stopped eating and was anorexic for a few years until Tracy, a friend of mine called, and asked me if I would care for her children because she had to go away for a while. She knew about my transsexuality and I had already started going full time by this time.

My time with these children, two years, was the best thing that could have happened to me. I began eating and again as I found myself with three children in my care. Those were the two most wonderful years I had experienced in a long time.

I guess the lesson of this whole story is to be truthful to your son because you never know what tomorrow could bring.

Cindy

Cindy,
Thanks so much for sharing your personal story with me about your son and duaghters. I can't imagine what I would do if i lost my son. I know that I have to tell him, but I don't want to upset his life either, he is doing so well in school and all. I just don't know if I have the right to upset his life or not, it seems pretty selfish on my part. I believe that as parents we have to sacrifice for our children, not them sacrifice for us. I also know for me to happy or some have peace in my life, so there is my dilemma. I appreciate your advice, and I thank you so much.

Hugz,
Ariana

Hi Ariana. That's OK, take your time and when you feel it's time to tell him then do so. You will know when it's time. One thing about your own child you can feel what's there in his heart, just as he does. You will know when the time comes to explain about the gender dysphoria disorder. It is a shame that some people out there think of it as being some type of mentally disorder or something. I think there isn't anything more wonderful then coming to the discovery of whom we are, who the inner child that resides within is, You and the inner child will grow together and be her. Once you are able to drop all of the fears, it is no longer a fear It will be like a rebirth to be the real you.

Even if you in the mean time start the therapy it's ok it will take at least 6+ months before any change begins to show.

Cindy 

Cindy,

Thank you so much once again. I really appreciate the support and love. I know that you are right, that I will know when its time to tell him. It is awesome finding the true me and matching with my inner child. I have begun hormones already and have been on them for about 1 1/2 months. Thank you once again.

Hugz,
Ariana

Hi Ariana, you are quite welcome. If you wish to chat again I'll be somewhere in this croup or you can contact me by PM.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fangelinlight.jpg&hash=a8323721c3ff08cb02d5f9033750fb60296f7833)

Cindy

Cindy,
I was so touched to hear about your kids. Your son's passing must have torn you up. I have really been lucky. I have two wonderful daughters. After I told them about myself, the youngest one never missed a beat. She was almost nine. She thought it was just as cool as if I had bought another Harley Davidson for us to ride. She is going to be 15 in about a week. My oldest daughter seemed to take it in stride, but later stopped talking to me (she lived out of town with her Mother) Later, she called me back and apologized for "wasting a year of our lives" and took me back. Then she moved to NYC and started college. She told her Mom to tell me to stop calling and mailing her, out of the blue. That was over 2 years ago, and so far, nothing. But the 2 of them are in touch ocassionaly (they are half sisters). So I know she is okay, and that is enough, for now. The "little one" is always on the honor roll, has lots of friends, but the oldest one hated school, dropped out, had no friends, and later got her GED. Neither of them seem to have GID, thank Goddess!

Hi Nickie, thank you
Well I do pray that everything will turn for the better from your eldest. I haven't heard from my daughters for about thee years now but I know they were ok with me and they both doing well as far as careers. Thy never really had a mommy and she got taken away from me and I never saw them again for ten years when they sere ready go get on the bus to go to college. But they are fine and I thank Great Spirit for that.

As for the rest of my family sister an my nieces have pretty well disowned me. I get mail from them around the Christmas season addressed in my old name, well "que sera, sera."

Have a wonderful day. 

Cindy  

Wow I just logged in and read this last page. 

My heart goes out to all of you, Ariana, Nickie, Cindy, and others who I haven't the time to read about. 

I have told my wife about my need to transition, but my 28 year old (soon to be married) daughter, 25 year old son, my mother, brother, numerous friends, are still in the dark.  I don't want to lose any of them, and your stories make me feel so sad.   

I know that I have to do what I want, at long last, even if it means losing them all, but still it hurts me to the core to realise that your experiences may be indicators of my future.

I intend to tell everybody about my transition plans after my daughters wedding in Feb 2008.  I can't say anything before as it is unfair to her.   

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

God bless you all.

Hugs

Jenny

Hi Amanda.

I'm still on the first page of this thread, but just had a comment.

I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.
If I had known it was possible to change my body to match my mind, I'dve done it years ago while I still had my health. :(

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 10:38:29 AM
I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.

I actually went in denial because of the ignorance out there.  When I was 13 I *knew* that I wanted to transition.  I would talk to my best friend about it and I even started planning what I would have to do.  Then I saw something ridiculing MtFs and my brain said "Nope, not going to be like that."  Then 24 years later my bisexual wife came out of her denial and declared herself a lesbian.  Realizing that I had caused a lot of problems because of my denial and the fact that I had probably lost her when I wanted to be the woman for her, I cracked.  Spilled everything.  Now she's as supportive as she can be and I'm the messed up, whiny one.

Val

Quote from: DeValInDisguise on December 17, 2007, 12:20:21 PM

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 10:38:29 AM
I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.

I actually went in denial because of the ignorance out there.  When I was 13 I *knew* that I wanted to transition.  I would talk to my best friend about it and I even started planning what I would have to do.  Then I saw something ridiculing MtFs and my brain said "Nope, not going to be like that."  Then 24 years later my bisexual wife came out of her denial and declared herself a lesbian.  Realizing that I had caused a lot of problems because of my denial and the fact that I had probably lost her when I wanted to be the woman for her, I cracked.  Spilled everything.  Now she's as supportive as she can be and I'm the messed up, whiny one.

Val

That interesting. I wonder if she fell for you because she felt your female energy or something.

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 12:49:26 PM

That interesting. I wonder if she fell for you because she felt your female energy or something.

I've wondered that too.  She's denied it recently, though there may be other reasons for that.  But I know I've always been attracted to women who like women.  All four of the women I've been involved with in the last 15 years have either liked women at the time or realized it later. 

Val

Hi cjennyb
Just wanted to tell you that you will never be alone. There are many kind souls around. There was for me, even though I never really had close friends or intimate friends not even as the other me. I know that I dont have to look for long to find another kind soul to talk with.. Be strong and be ready is all. One needs to admire Trans girls for one thing, they have the strength to endure and not just to survive but progress and thrive to be who they are within..

Cindy

Thanks Cindy,

My very first reaction to 'coming out' was amazement at all the love out there.  I guess trans girls all look out for each other.  Like you I have had very few close friends in life, but now I feel as though I have opened pandora's box and all manner of great things have come flooding out, most especially understanding, non-judgemental, compassionate, supporting people.   

Where do we get this endurance quality from?  Is it the result of spending a lifetime pretending, masquerading, hiding our true selves.  Do young transitioners have the same qualities I wonder.   

Where does all the love come from?  Is it also the result of losing family and friends, lack of understanding, and feeling alone?

I appreciate your kind thoughts, and yet I still feel sad for those who have already suffered.

Hi cjennyb

Pandora's Box? or the Chambered Nautilus of plenty. I believe that is a choice we take as to which we shall follow.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2F4d11088c-6f28-448a-b25e-1e1f2c19-1.jpg&hash=18bfadef454343e7a9d632766e702e405f33eac8)

Cindy

Quote from: DeValInDisguise on December 17, 2007, 01:23:56 PM

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 12:49:26 PM

That interesting. I wonder if she fell for you because she felt your female energy or something.

I've wondered that too.  She's denied it recently, though there may be other reasons for that.  But I know I've always been attracted to women who like women.  All four of the women I've been involved with in the last 15 years have either liked women at the time or realized it later. 

Val

Same here, except I probably dated at least a few dozen women who preferred other women and many broke my heart. I don't think any of them ever realized why there were so attracted to me. Some even asked "Why am I so attracted to you?" I wish I had just told them.  Maybe I would have found one who would have encouraged me to transition earlier.

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 10:38:29 AM
Hi Amanda.

I'm still on the first page of this thread, but just had a comment.

I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.

Same here, I also only read the first page and this one.  I think lack of information played a major role for me.  But also before puberty I was pretty oblivious to gender differences.  Part of the reason was that strict gender roles were not pushed in our rural, lower middleclass home.  And then there's was internalized transphobia.  I bought into all the stereotypes and told myself I wasn't one of them.

A total lack of truthful information
Loose gender roles at home (Mom and sis were tomboys)
Rural upbringing
Stereotypes
Internalized transphobia
Shame
Denial
Pathogical need to please others

Over time my coping mechanisms began to fail.  My home life ground to a halt and I hit the wall.  My body started to rebel.  I couldn't take living for others anymore.  I could no longer deny who I was and it all came pouring out of me like a volcanic eruption.  It was terrifying because I was married and had 2 small sons and knew my spouse would not react well.  We were divorced 3 months later and I haven't seen my children since.  As bad as all that is (and there is more), it allowed me to transition unencumbered and at my own pace.

I paid, and continue to pay, a very heavy price.  But it was very much worth it.  You can't put a price on peace of mind (the long internal war is over) and being whole.

I woke up to the futility of my life living a lie. The alcohol and the drugs stop working. I did not die.  And then somone showed me the way to Self Acceptance i was off like a rocket.

Quote from: Marlene on December 18, 2007, 07:49:53 PM

Quote from: Nero on December 17, 2007, 10:38:29 AM
Hi Amanda.

I'm still on the first page of this thread, but just had a comment.

I think most later transitioners transitioned late for one reason - the knowledge and options weren't there.
Maybe others chose to wait for whatever reason.

Same here, I also only read the first page and this one.  I think lack of information played a major role for me.  But also before puberty I was pretty oblivious to gender differences.  Part of the reason was that strict gender roles were not pushed in our rural, lower middleclass home.  And then there's was internalized transphobia.  I bought into all the stereotypes and told myself I wasn't one of them.

A total lack of truthful information
Loose gender roles at home (Mom and sis were tomboys)
Rural upbringing
Stereotypes
Internalized transphobia
Shame
Denial
Pathogical need to please others

Over time my coping mechanisms began to fail.  My home life ground to a halt and I hit the wall.  My body started to rebel.  I couldn't take living for others anymore.  I could no longer deny who I was and it all came pouring out of me like a volcanic eruption.  It was terrifying because I was married and had 2 small sons and knew my spouse would not react well.  We were divorced 3 months later and I haven't seen my children since.  As bad as all that is (and there is more), it allowed me to transition unencumbered and at my own pace.

I paid, and continue to pay, a very heavy price.  But it was very much worth it.  You can't put a price on peace of mind (the long internal war is over) and being whole.