Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone.

Firstly, so sorry I haven't been in for ages. I have never stopped thinking about you all and you matter.

An old school friend, who I haven't met in over 40 years but do chat with on the web is having proble,ms with a relative of his.

The relative is struggling with gender dysphoria. Paul can tell you more when he is here.

I have suggested he join Susans because you guys are the best and will give him the support he needs.

He will introduce himself as Paul friend of Jill

Love you all. Thanks in advance and great to see you all.

Jill

Paul has applied to join as Ethans Dad.

Once he gets confirmation, he will be with you.

Love Jill.

Big hug! Long time no see, stranger! Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.  :-*

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi all, it is good to be here, so you may as well hear my story.  When I tell it, please excuse me if I fail to use the terms for things you use yourselves and understand that I am not familiar with those terms.

Yes, I knew Jill from school and yes it was 45 years ago so if my arithmetic is right we both have our 60th birthdays this year, so plenty of experience of life there between us!  I remember Jill from her previous existence and her nickname at school, which is the same as a Harry Potter character.  As a side note, I did know somebody called Harry Potter many years back before the books were written, but when this character appears in the Harry Potter book and movies it always made me think of Jill, more often than Harry Potter himself remind me of my other friend!

Anyway, my reason for being here is that nearly 18 years ago my wife gave birth to a baby.  At the time we thought our little baby was a girl.  Like any father I felt proud of my child.  I looked around the hospital ward at all the other babies and was absolutely convince we had the most beautiful baby in the ward.  My own childhood was not too happy, I got into trouble a few times but eventually managed to get over it and sort myself out.  Listen to the Rolling Stones song "Respectable" (showing my age again, yes I'm a nearly sexagenarian Rolling Stones fan!) and it just about sums me up.  I'm not sure that my parents did the best job of bringing me up but I resolved to be a better parent than my parents ever were, and I genuinely believe I have always tried to do what I thought was in my child's best interests, even if we disagreed and even if I may have been wrong a few times.

For the past almost 18 years my wife and I have brought our child up as a girl, in particular trying to avoid the mistakes that were made with me in my childhood.  I taught the young person I believed to be my daughter to respect the rights of others and to stand up for herself as a woman in a man's world and not to be racist or heterosexist.  There are times when I thought it would have been nice to have a son as well (in fact, I never see my son) so that he could share some of my male interests, including football, but that was not to be the case and I have a child who has excelled both academically and I am really proud of the principles my child has formed through thinking things out.  My child, like me, hates groups like UKIP and their racist ideologies and it is great to have an ally in the home.

By now I'm sure you all know where this story is going.  During the past 20 years I have come to know a few people who I realised were transgender, all of whom are male to female.  Two of them I have known as acquaintances rather than as friends, neither well enough to discuss their previous lives, although one of them is a local electrician who is just about one of the few tradespeople who has never tried to rip us off, always charges a fair price and provides a decent service and is highly recommended! My child has had a few friends over the past few years who are transgender, and I have had no issue with befriending transgender people at all.  When my child self-identified as bisexual a few years ago I had no issue with that, but is was still a surprise a couple of months ago when the person who I had thought was my daughter told me they were transgender.  I really had not picked up on any signs, even though my only real experience of contact with transgender people is with men who became women.  I still believe my child to be mistaken in their self-diagnosis as transgender as there are just too few male characteristics in my child's behaviour, eg. the display of tantrums and a high-pitched voice when she gets annoyed!  Nevertheless I am taking it seriously and while I remain unconvinced I obviously want to learn more.

It does however greatly concern me that my child could be subject to not only a significant series of major operations in future and to all the abuse from those elements of society, particularly christians and other religious fundamentalists, not to mention the high rates of self-harming among the LGBT population. 

I hope to learn from all the trans people here and will do my best to be respectful.  However, there may be something at one time which I post which may seem clumsy, due to my lack of first hand experience.  I realise that this is your space, not mine, and beg the forgiveness in advance of anybody who I may inadvertently offend.  There is no intention to do so, but sometimes when you are with people who are different it can be uneasy.  As well as learning from the group, I do hope that I will be able to offer something.  I can imagine that many of you will have experienced difficulty with your parents and hope that by being here as a parent I can help those who need it to rebuild bridges with your own parents.  I know what it is like to be the parent of somebody who thinks they are trans, and if needed I can comment from a parent's prospective, which I trust will be my contribution to our community

gender therapy is always a sound path to travel.

Hey Ethan's Dad

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Transgender men are more common than generally realised, it's just that us broads hog all the limelight! :)

The thing about being transgender is that it is very personal, for many people they struggle with the feelings yet do nothing, others choose to transition to varying degrees - either through changing appearance or taking hormone replacement therapy (in the case of trans men, usually testosterone). Others may have surgery and for trans guys there can be quite a few. The thing to keep in mind is that none of this happens overnight, it can take a few years and, usually, surgery is at the latter end of the process. By that stage you can be pretty sure that anyone still determined to follow that process is unlikely to be making a "mistake". At any rate the first step is to help your child get to grips with not only his gender identity but what he might like to do about that and therapy is a good starting point.

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Cheers

Grace

Hi Paul, glad you decided to come here for information and advice. The good news for your child is that the world is changing, and the social stigma of being transgender is fading. They will have a far easier trip than those of us from an earlier generation. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome to Susan's place. I am a tad bit older (4 years) than you but I have had a somewhat different path in life than you. I have spend over half my live as a woman. As a male, my parent never suspected anything. I am 6'2" tall, always had an interest in science and was though of as the brain in the family. I wasn't very attractive and never dated but I suspect my class mates thought of me as a nerd. I was also cursed with about the lowest male voice possible that no amount of therapy would train. It was only last summer that surgery pushed it into the feminine range.

It's nearly impossible to tell from the package you can view what a person feels. In addition, we only expose our feelings when we are ready. As far back as I can remember I was a bit different but I didn't understand what it was until I hit age 13. I kept it to myself until age 23 when could no longer suppress it in it became a danger to my life.

As for your child, transgender is a very open term and can indicate many different things.  Our Wiki  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) would be a good starting point in your education. In my case, I was the extreme as a transsexual. Not everybody takes that path and may find a place somewhere between male and female where they are comfortable and society accepts them. This will be determined in therapy but it may take sometime to determine.

I am here because in my quest for voice information I ran across this site. I discovered many people who could benefit from my knowledge so I have remained here helping people with their needs. If I can help you, post to this thread and I will do my best to help you with any questions you may have. Once you reach 15 post, you may also PM me with questions.

Thanks everybody for your comments, keep them coming!  My child has researched things and has expressed a wish to transition in due course.  That would worry me because of the sheer amount of surgery involved.  My child is well endowed on top and has been wearing a binder for some time, but to date we have not even seen our G.P.  My view is that we should not until things are CERTAIN, as when anything goes on your medical records it is there to stay.  I have offered to pay for a private consultation as the first step (understand there is a two year waiting list, which just about shows how much priority the government has for the issue, more interested in the rich paying less taxes!), but I am not happy to start any changes which are irreversible, e.g. I understand that once testosterone injections start then infertility arises. 

I'm reading this forum a little bit at a time (and not at all during the England match this evening!) so learning a little here and a little there.  Nice to know that you people realise that parents and families need support as well; my wife is in denial and will not talk about it.

I am seeing report of people being on Testosterone for long periods of time and becoming fertile after stopping treatment. The major issue is many of the changes caused by testosterone are not reversible or difficult to deal with as seen from the difficulty of my transition. Beard and voice are one way though they can be undone with money, time and pain.  Normally treatment might involve therapy and cross living as much as possible before starting testosterone. It might be possible for her to pass as a young boy without doing anything that can't be reversed. At some point, top surgery and testosterone might become desirable and the need for the medical system would become more important.

Things like hair cuts and clothing are easy to do. The voice can be made to sound more boyish with a little training. I have helped FTMs with that so it's not as difficult as training a MTF.

Its normal to be concerned for a child. Just don't be too much :)

Imo times are changing. People are becoming more and more accepting of transgender people.
There are groups who are not but they are a minority.
Often everyday people are tolerant to other peoples lifestyles.

Well its possible your child has tried to conform to gender expectations.
Often transgender people have from a young age a feeling something is wrong with them and look for others unconscious expectations and try to adapt.
Some people even try to overfulfill gender expectations, being extra feminine etc until they find out ist not them.

Its possible to make non permanent changes to hair and clothing style and see how people feel. Second hand stores can be a good source ... it can be fun to try out a few things and get aquainted with sizes.

There are a few people in the UK who are available for private treatment:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197023.msg1753642.html#msg1753642

Additionally in the UK there is a group specifically for young transgender people:
http://mermaidsuk.org.uk
"We offer information, support, friendship and shared experiences."

Here is a resource that could help understand:
http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/


*hugs*

Dear Paul,

Lovely to have you on board. Jill has been a very good and special friend for many years, she messaged me saying you where arriving but then I missed you! It is a problem as I am in Australia after emigrating from Liverpool UK 40 years ago.

You will find lots of support here and please ask any questions at all no matter how odd they may seem. Many of us are of course totally use to being transgender, I actually can't relate to the 'man' I tried to be!

Of course having a gender questioning child is confronting but I can assure increasingly common. The paediatric gender clinic at the Royal Melbourne Children's Hospital went from one case 5 years ago to now seeing over 200 new cases a year.

One aspect of being a caring parent is fear for your child and as you said the confronting surgery we go through, both transmen and transwomen, how society will react and future work and life prospects. To be honest I know so many transmen who have highly successful careers high paying jobs and full lives with partners and family that you would be amazed.

The masculinising effects of testosterone on transmen is quite startling. If you wish look up a friend of mine Buck Angel on Google. OK he has had some 'interesting' career choices but to see his transformation is stunning.

In the UK the process starts with your GP for a referral to a gender unit. The waiting list is ridiculous, as it is just about everywhere. Don't get put off by thinking that having a referral means your child is 'outed' medical records are confidential. Many GPs are clueless and need advice of how to refer.

You and your child will, eventually, see a therapist, usually a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist specialising in transmedicine. They do not, or should not give a diagnosis, only your child knows their gender, a good therapist allows the client to explore their thoughts and feelings and reach their own conclusions.

Transgender is not a mental disease, it is part of the diversity of humanity. Biology loves diversity. It is people who do not. Particularly people with very fixed and narrow views.

To be honest there will always be haters, they hate differences in belief, colour, football teams name it!

I'll finish this missive (!) by saying that one reason we see psychiatrists is not because of any mental health condition of being TG, but for the PTSD many of us have suffered growing up, being bullied, not accepted, in some cases sexually abused. Having a loving parent who can accept their child for who they are overcomes much of that.

My parents loved me as their son, their much wanted son. They could not accept me as their daughter, so I left home at 17 and broke contact. I didn't even go to their funerals which was a mistake that I carry with sorrow. They never saw their daughter being professional and personally successful, they didn't share my triumphs, and losses.

And I didn't share theirs.

With Love

Cindy

Voice pitch is not an indication of gender ;) - and for the most part, being trans can ONLY be self-diagnosed.

Basically it seems like you're already on the right path - being open-minded, more supportive than many, and starting the process with a GP/ gender specialist. Bear in mind that (in the UK at least) the gatekeeping is still quite rigorous and the system is unlikely to allow your kid to jump right into anything permanent without having all the options and risks presented to them.

There are also options for gamete storage if fertility is their concern as well - and some guys come off HRT in order to get pregnant themselves, if they still have ovaries etc, though that's something he would have to research himself too.

As for society, it is changing... look up Kael McKenzie for a trans man successful in a traditional career - he's a judge in Manitoba, Canada

Hi =)

I just wanted to demystify something in your original post... you've alluded towards her "tantrums" and overall lack of male behavioral cues. I imagine that could make you a little skeptical, or apprehensive, but, like you said, you did bring up your child as a girl. Your child's been socialized as a girl for their entire life... Your child's methods of expression and behaving are filtered because of that; what's on the inside could very well be a really different story.

My parents were "surprised" when I told them I was trans too... I don't think any parents out there could be prepared or expect something like that...

You seem like a great dad, though... congratulations =) It's nice to see parents caring about their children in that way. All my dad did was hurl verbal abuse until he eventually abandoned me... he's 10 years younger than you, you'd think he'd be more or less able to understand, but no (the irony of it is: I'd actually found transsexual porn on his hard drive years prior to my coming out, but, after I did, he seemed really adamant about calling me and other transpeople "freaks"... talk about being a hypocrite...)...

Good luck with your child, and, again, congratulations on your parenting =)

Quote from: Mermaid on March 28, 2016, 10:47:42 PM
I just wanted to demystify something in your original post... you've alluded towards her "tantrums" and overall lack of male behavioral cues. I imagine that could make you a little skeptical, or apprehensive, but, like you said, you did bring up your child as a girl. Your child's been socialized as a girl for their entire life... Your child's methods of expression and behaving are filtered because of that; what's on the inside could very well be a really different story.

I spent years as a kidteaching myself female mannerisms from 'other' girls to make sure i fit in. mistakkkeee