Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey,
I have not posted much lately. I had surgery February 20th in Thailand.
I had a wonderful trip.. loved it and great result and little pain.

Post op life for me has just started...I dilate morning noon and night ..LOL.. Literally.

Therapy is so important post op to me.  I transitioned fairly fast.. 27 months or so. 

FFS was for me a no return operation.. then body shaping .. and now GRS.

I think GRS is the most dramatic change from a mental state for me.  Knowing I am forever to have a vagina.. what I always wanted is a bitter sweet victory in some ways.

You finally reach the goal, we have climbed a mountain.. it was not easy to get here.  It was painful ..there is no way to sugarcoat transition .. I believe we are so driven that we make it, we reach the goal and then there is a let down.
There is no turning back. What I wanted all my life I have. Now what?

Sure there is post op depression.. we are tired.. dilation is so time consuming.  We are still recovering so its understandable to have that let down feeling .. to get a little depressed... well ok a lot depressed....have good cries..   To get pissed and say WTF.. why me..

To forget the why that I did this since GID is gone now..  YAY...

I feel like a normal human now.. wow this is amazing.. To feel that freedom.

But losing GID leaves a hole in me.. How do I fill that thought process.... that habit of despair now.. How do we replace it with something good?  Move on in ones life that has changed so deeply.
I don't have all the answers.. that is why I am still in therapy.

I just know Post Op life is going to be a challenge for me. 

For me, I feel the answer will be not to focus on myself so much as to focus on others.  Focus on doing something good in this world.  Stop short of nothing but doing my best in life.

Without doing that... all this to me would be meaningless..

So, I do not see many posts here in the post op forums.  So, I will change that.  I plan to share some raw feelings as time passes along.

So, instead of my blog on face book that I am shutting down soon.. I will post some thoughts here.  I may even post some of my blogs here.... These would be feelings I shared with all my friends.. CIS and trans on this journey.

I do know one thing, I am different now since surgery mentally. I see men and women differently than before.. Even though I was on hormones.

I see women and think... yep I am the same.. I see men and think .... wow.. yep I am so different... or they are so different.  You realize how you were never a man period.. never in my whole life.. I played the part... I was a good actor.

And then you think...men.... those lucky bastards.. so easy to be a guy right?.........................................  then you say.. but I am not one.. and don't want to be one.. I am me.. I am who I am..   I am what I am. Even with all the loses.. all the pain I would have it no other way...

And some say this could be a choice... If this were a choice I would have so taken the easy road and stayed a male... I had it made.

The desire to be who we really are is so strong.. and it never changes.... never.

Love
Keri

Welcome back :)

Hi Keri....there is a lack of post op support and infomation.  I'm lucky to live in Bangkok, and my assistant was the former head ward nurse for the srs surgery at Piyavate Hospital. Thus, I can have alot of my post op physical issues addressed. Recently, i had to deal with odor from below and she immediately solved it for me...

However, the mental side is different. I was told by my therapist that I may have post op depression but I am fortunately not affected at all. I never had problems mentally before and I have found peace ...lucky cos so few find peace in this lifetime .

Like you, I too feel the need to give back to the community and that's such a great development and I am so pleased.

Love you and miss you Keri

Keri, awesome post. From personal experience, the post-op path is different than what may have been projected pre-op. Our body has changed, and that changes our perspective. If I was asked for advice I'd say be open to all ideas. The judgements we carried before belonged to another person, in another time. Share your feelings.

Yeah, it really is important to have some *life* goals post-op - that is, things that have nothing to do with trans issues. As you have wisely noted, when all that mental static finally goes silent, there's a lovely mental space to fill with something better!

Although I could not wait to be done with therapy. :) I transitioned in 11 months and only very reluctantly continued on with my therapist in the 2 years after the end of transition and GRS, and only so I could get my letters; I was delighted to cancel my recurring appointment as soon as I was post-op and didn't need her anymore. (My therapist wasn't all that helpful, though, as you could probably guess.)

Quote from: warlockmaker on March 28, 2016, 11:02:41 PM
Hi Keri....there is a lack of post op support and infomation.  I'm lucky to live in Bangkok, and my assistant was the former head ward nurse for the srs surgery at Piyavate Hospital. Thus, I can have alot of my post op physical issues addressed. Recently, i had to deal with odor from below and she immediately solved it for me...

However, the mental side is different. I was told by my therapist that I may have post op depression but I am fortunately not affected at all. I never had problems mentally before and I have found peace ...lucky cos so few find peace in this lifetime .

Like you, I too feel the need to give back to the community and that's such a great development and I am so pleased.

Love you and miss you Keri

Miss you too girl❌⭕️❌⭕️

Hi Keri, I had a lot of the same feelings, finally reached my life goals, now what? Have since made some new goals and working towards them.

I totally understand how everything seems now. Before I had SRS I felt 100% female, but I feel so mentally different now. Would be nice for others to know about this sort of thing, but I was at a loss of how to explain it in way that isn't derogative to those who have not had srs. Even now I think I should have worded this more delicately.

Look forward to your posts.

Wow, posts on post op from my favourite girls!

Congratulations to all of you and my deepest love for your future happiness.

Yes it is important to discuss post op affairs and future plans etc.

What you need to be mindful of is that some girls don't want surgery, and that is fine. Many girls deeply want surgery but either cannot afford it, cannot have it due to medical issues, life issues or family issues.

In discussing post op life it is important to realise that.

So there is no reason to not say anything but just to be mindful of not to hurt the feelings of girls who would dearly love to be post op but cannot be.

They continue to cry in their pillows, dreaming of being normal.

All you need to remember is: ' but for the sake of good fortune, a competent surgical team and the twists we face in life lay you.'

Post away.

Cindy

This is one of the reasons why I've decided post-op, whenever that may happen, will not be the final goal in my journey... but the start of a whole new one.

I guess you know depression is a potential side effect of general anesthetic?

Quote from: AnonyMs on March 29, 2016, 02:00:24 AM
I guess you know depression is a potential side effect of general anesthetic?

As my psych said. I see my post natal women and my post SRS women 6 weeks after birth or surgery because that is when depression can set in.

If you are happy you don't need me, if you are not, that is why you see me.

Quote from: Cindy on March 29, 2016, 02:55:12 AM
As my psych said. I see my post natal women and my post SRS women 6 weeks after birth or surgery because that is when depression can set in.

If you are happy you don't need me, if you are not, that is why you see me.

Makes sense, 6 weeks can be a pretty rough time, your mind has gone through so much at that point.

My therapist has been so wonderful on helping me and guiding me pre op, he did say call if I needed him.. I have not needed him but thinking of having a session just to update him. Kinda sad just to forget him now.

At my last psychiatrist session pre GCS, he gave me a hug and asked that I please come back to say hello afterwards.  My recovery hasn't been easy so I think a visit would be worthwhile.  Perhaps a bit of closure too.  It does help that i consider him part of my support team along with my GP and the surgeons I have visited.

Hi Keri

Thank you so much for keeping us posted.

I have given up everything I have to follow the same path as you.

This was not a real choice for me, I have always wanted to be a post op woman. The urge has grown stronger and stronger! Beginning hormones was wonderful and my sexuality has gradually changed. However, ever since I can remember the only way that I could perform was as the woman I had always dreamed of becoming. Living as a woman is not easy, but I would never go back to my old life.

Have fun and enjoy all the opportunities that come your way!

Take care

Love Julie x

Hi Keri!

Wonderful opening post, and I'm looking forward to your raw observations.

Wow, 27 months to do most everything on the "to-do" list! Looks like everything but voice surgery...what have you done for that?

Followed your posts and appreciate that you share the good and the bad.  It's life.  I go in for GCS in a month and happy that I can have  realistic expectations.  Honestly, I am scared to death because we never know how things will be until we get there.  Also excited for what I hope will be a sense of peace.

Hey girls thanks for all the responses.

I kind of had a breakdown for last few days.  Has to do with all those losses and the reality of it.. mostly with my ex.. who still loves me but in a totally different way and so understandable.   Also I have dealt with those issues in the past so thought I had accepted the losses.  It seems they have all fallen on my shoulders at one time.  If you know my history I really did have a wonderful marriage...to my best friend ever.  I do have some external issues that are weighing me down but don't want to be specific about that... lets just say, they are stressful .

Anyway, I have been so happy for so long after going full time this has really caught me off guard.. I called my therapist today to see her on Monday.

I have lost my GID issue.. I am so thankful for that.  I am normally even keeled and up most all the time.  I have to think its just normal post op depression enhanced by some of the hormonal changes that take place.

I see my endo Monday to check my current levels.

I am supposed to meet friends tonight for our regular weekly night out but I don't want to go.. and usually I count down the time for that moment when we all meet.

So anyway.. hopefully I will be posting a more positive and optimistic way in a few days...

I am thinking about just going in there and putting my makeup on and going to meet my friends... I think I should go..

Keri

Please, go see your friends. Being around supportive people is far better than staying away and isolating yourself.

*hugs*

*hugs*

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on March 31, 2016, 05:50:22 PM

I see my endo Monday to check my current levels.

Yes, high enough levels are important. If levels are too low it can affect mood.
Also the neovagina reacts to estrogen levels like a cis vagina. So high enough levels are important there too.

If estrogen levels are high enough many endos also watch testo levels then, in the female range. If they are really low some people have fatigue.

And some people are helped by biodientical progesterone. Its also part of the mix in cis females.


Well do you have a few things you enjoy like cooking ...

and you could make a list of a few things you could do step by step so you have a feelings your issues are dealt with over time ...


*hugs*

I went out and had a really fun fun time.
There is this one guy that showed up.. he is an alcoholic and is really nice to me but asks very personal questions..
My high school friends were all there and he asked a couple of questions and the girls were like omg did you really ask that!

So I had about three beers by then so it was perfect timing,.

When I got done with him he was like a little kid in trouble in the corner of the classroom.

What set me off was him saying why did you just figure this out at 50.. and I realized he just had no clue so I schooled him.
While I was doing that at some point he was like.. well can you have an orgasm..??

The girls all were in shock and I was sitting there going omg omg omg.. squirming in my seat saying omg just saying that gives me one.. then I said of course I can.

Anyway I educated him and at the end he said the best thing he could have.

He said, I just could never imagine you ever being a guy.. but your were the toughest dude in High School.. you were bad ass..
I said.. yep and now you just met the bad ass Keri.. the girl behind the bad ass dude.

So in the meantime one of my friends said they were going to see Styx Friday Night.. I was like you are ->-bleeped-<-ting me and you did not get me a ticket... She is a good friend... she bought them when I was in Thailand.

So today I went online and whats amazing is if you buy just one ticket you can get good seats because there is always that one empty seat..
So I got on second row middle of stage and going solo..
They will be in a couple sections behind me...

I appreciate the advise to just go.. It got me out of my funk...  Its the one thing about being female we need to accept.. and that is that we are different emotionally on Estrogen..
I can be the biggest baby about things...

I got texts from some of the girls after we left saying it was so fun to watch me last night educating the guy and said you go girl...  So he ended up being a blessing for me that night.. and I am stronger for it.

Keri

Way to go Keri. I recently had a male Chairman of a Gated Community try and screw me on rules that protected my property. I hired the nastiest female lawyer and already one Committe member has quit citing my personal attacks.  I'm a female but I'm not weak and will not tolerate bullies.

While I don't get depressed as such there are times even after all these years I feel down and feel like my life has come to a stop.
You get that way because you put so much effort into the end point which to be honest isn't the biggest thing in the world.

The key is to keep going, make goals, push yourself to new limits and keep reaching.

Sent from my HUAWEI RIO-L02 using Tapatalk

Hi Keri,
This is such a profound post.  Thank you for sharing.  Please keep us informed on your feelings as time goes on.  Can I ask how your relationship with your wife was throughout your transition?
Jimmie

Quote from: jimmie on April 15, 2016, 11:57:27 PM
Hi Keri,
This is such a profound post.  Thank you for sharing.  Please keep us informed on your feelings as time goes on.  Can I ask how your relationship with your wife was throughout your transition?
Jimmie

Jimmie,
My relationship was one of heartbreak.. even though we are still best friends and soul mates we are divorced. She did not want to divorce me but likes men.. I totally understood and gave her anything she wanted...she deserved it.. she was the perfect wife and mother.. so it like a love story about someone who died but is still here.. and I am still here for her in a different form.
I am posting something very emotional shortly..
Keri

Yeah personally after I had surgery, life started. And life was no longer about transition anymore (for the most part). I twas kind of unsettling at first but eventually I sought out new hobbies and figured out what I wanted to do with my life. ;)

*

Keri:

You are a good writer and story-teller.  You commented that you have a career as a motivational speaker.  Keep going in that direction if that remains your target.

Using a literary sense, I tell people to think of GCS / SRS as the period at the end of a sentence in the middle of a paragraph in one chapter in the middle of the story of your life.  Our life did not end at surgery, it brought forth its own new beginning.

Yes, we who seek and attain that cherished post-op status must know - whether on our own or through pre-op counselling - that there is life after the knife.  We are a limited collection of Earthly humanity to have lived a past that is quite different than our future.  Few outside our circle can understand our experiences going M-F or F-M in every way physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, conceptually.

For some, travelling our path was quick and that can be its own problem.  For others, our road was extended and that, too, can be its own complication.  No matter where we fit, it was our unique journey, it was what fit our own self, and likely it would have not been suitable for any other.

When we complete our GCS / SRS we are no longer transsexual, we simply are who we always are.  It can be semantics with your primary or endo or gyn whether they continue putting your diagnosis as 'transsexual' at every office visit.  As you wrote, we're post-op - that 'transsexual' or 'gender dysphoria' moniker is done and gone.

Some no longer participate in the pre-op activities now in post-op; they leave life behind and move on.  Others remain in the community and act as mentors.  I was gone so long in a life of stealth that I am having fun getting to know all the new people in support groups - me the old-timer.  I want to attend every meeting and get to know everyone; we can learn from each other.  Wherever you fit, find your path in that road.

Yes, I was in a deep, dark suicidal mood post-op 1983.  Mine was not depression but rather a quirky, unreal euphoria - a kinda 'I told you so!' childish mentality.  I passed that and moved back to reality.  I am now trying to help a dear friend who is approximately two years post-op who hit that wall of suicidal ideation.  Why do we even have to know such concepts?

Some of us are in good stead to remain at the same employ from start of transition through post-op; lucky you.  My course has been the pits - fired from two different employers (1983 and 2008) for being transsexual; top performance reviews made no difference.  They wanted me gone; there are no laws protecting my status.  AGH!  But I knew that I had to continue.  I picked myself up and started new careers.  I did what I had to do same as anyone else will determine what they must do for their own.

I continued attending to counselling over these post-op years - whether I need it or not.  One counsellor told me that I was the only transsexual in Utah (1980 - 1985); I'm still waiting for anyone to prove they were with me there during my time so that we can start a new club.  I had an old school counsellor (1990s); he frequently chastised me if I thought I could have a Lesbian girlfriend - 'You had the operation to be female and have sex with a male' - so I never told him about my Lesbian girlfriend.  Last year I had four counsellors, one who is F-M - he is neat-o and I hope to see him again this year as the need may arise.

I have not had time to look here at this site.  Yes, it will be nice to read more of others in our own post-op forum.  That connects why I am floating the idea of a post-op re-union.  I have corresponded with Dr. Chettawut since last June and have come to know him.  I have also developed correspondences with many who are post-op - most have gone to Thailand.  It would be quite a gathering of us all at one time to meet at Thailand and compare notes - seeing people we have known only reading their posts.

Okay, yes there are many who either choose to not continue to surgery, some who are medically or fiscally limited, others find their own reasons to cease at one stage or another pre-op.  You will not know what it is to be post-op same as we will not comprehend what it is to end our journey at pre-op.  For each of us it is our own personal decision and deserves recognition for reaching our goal; I can look at my own history and see that had any one event changed the slightest, then who knows where I'd be today.  I read many people who post here and at other boards their complications.  I cheer them on to succeed to their best ability; we are with you in spirit to ease your pain.  Cindy, you are quite correct; we give thanks that we made our destination and we pray for others that they achieve theirs in peace and love of this community.

Yep, there is no more transition once you are post-op.

*

Quote from: Sharon Anne McC on May 05, 2016, 12:37:11 PM
Some of us are in good stead to remain at the same employ from start of transition through post-op; lucky you.  My course has been the pits - fired from two different employers (1983 and 2008) for being transsexual; top performance reviews made no difference.  They wanted me gone; there are no laws protecting my status.  AGH!  But I knew that I had to continue.

I can understand losing one's job in 1983, but would you mind sharing what happened in 2008? You mentioned you were stealth for many years... Did you come out in 2008, or were you outed then? I assume that when they hired you they did not know, else they would not have fired you for for being TS.

I was one of  the lucky lucky ones. I kept my job through the whole process. In fact it was over 10 years post sugery when I got laid off,  and that had nothing to do with being TS.

It took awhile to get a new job but I did... While I don't talk about it, I think most everybody "knows" and I have been there almost 6 years  now.

I did stay in therapy after SRS for a number of years, but not now.

Unlike most transition changed very little in my life... I still live in the same place I did "before", I stayed married, stayed in the same profession and  have the same hobbies and same interests. I did lose an old friend from college days over it, but that was the only loss.


- Karen

Wow
Sharon,
That was an amazing post... OMG...
Thank you.
Can I share your post?

Anyway,
I seem to be accepting my fate... that I am who I have always been.. I have those WTF moments.. Like wow.. I am a woman and always will be now..
I am happy, but the past still calls my name.. I still have those days of complete utter mourning of my own death.  I have CIS friends who have only known me as Keri.. to them, there is no one else but me.. they can  not even conceive of me as a dude ever and don't want to. I am just one of the chicks.

I am getting everything I want, attention from guys... a lot of attention.. I thought I would be alone but it seems I have blossomed a little after surgery.. body changes are rapid.
So, I am happy.. I am ready for the new adventure.. I know it will be wonderful if I want it too.. and I always get what I want.
Love
Keri

Love your new look Keri !

Please share your adventures and have as much fun as possible.

Take care

Jools x

Quote from: Karen_A on May 06, 2016, 07:47:41 PM
I was one of  the lucky lucky ones. I kept my job through the whole process. In fact it was over 10 years post sugery when I got laid off,  and that had nothing to do with being TS.

It took awhile to get a new job but I did... While I don't talk about it, I think most everybody "knows" and I have been there almost 6 years  now.

Yeah I transitioned at a co I was at for a total of 6 years. After I had SRS though (and healed up enough) I finally moved on and stopped telling people about my past. That was part of the reason for me to move on....being able to work with people who never knew me before....whether they could figure out my past or not. I'm now at the job after that, even. Same idea, I don't talk about the past and nobody brings it up. It's often hard to tell if they just don't know or are being courteous. either way, works for me.

Quote from: Debra on May 16, 2016, 10:07:42 AM
Yeah I transitioned at a co I was at for a total of 6 years. After I had SRS though (and healed up enough) I finally moved on and stopped telling people about my past. That was part of the reason for me to move on....being able to work with people who never knew me before....whether they could figure out my past or not. I'm now at the job after that, even. Same idea, I don't talk about the past and nobody brings it up. It's often hard to tell if they just don't know or are being courteous. either way, works for me.

Its amazing that we get to a place where we are ok with ourselves enough to not really care.  We are who we are and that is all we can be.. I never thought I would ever pass, I do and am thankful but what is most important to me now is just being female.... females all look different and not very many are models.. LOL... To be honest I was not ready to transition.. I got lucky but should have had more therapy... but.... I am not getting any younger.

Keri