Community Conversation => Non-binary talk => Topic started by: SubtleQuirk on March 29, 2016, 06:58:03 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Your opinion?
Post by: SubtleQuirk on March 29, 2016, 06:58:03 PM
Post by: SubtleQuirk on March 29, 2016, 06:58:03 PM
Hi, everyone. I have some burning questions I'd like to have addressed, but absolutely no idea about resources.
I wanted to start off by saying that I'm DFAB. Only because it makes the rest of my issue a little easier to understand I suppose?
When I was young, I was a pretty normal kid. Solitary, intelligent, studious. I hit puberty early and gained a lot of weight. I went from having a waifish frame to developing breasts and a stomach that caused a lot of unwanted attention. Mainly teasing. Fat kids never get a break.
Around that time, I recognized that in imaginative play, I always wanted to be male. We're playing house? I'm the dad. We're playing with dolls? I'm Ken. Even in my relationships with other girls, I always viewed myself as the more masculine type that initiated things.
I rejected a lot of traditionally feminine things growing up. I wore dress shirts and pants instead of dresses. I outright refused to wear heels for prom. Every Halloween it was a perfect chance for me to get into something where I could play a guy. One year in high school my costume was literally just me trying to pass as male - I bought jeans, an oversized t-shirt, binded my chest, and slicked my hair back. It tickled me when I went out into public like that.
When living alone for the first time, in college, I suffered through a lot. I had depression and anxiety that was going untreated. At first, I loved the freedom of doing what I wanted. I ended up shaving half my hair and felt so <not allowed> confident the day I came home. But then my insecurities barreled their way through and I ended up hating how I looked. I tried to grow my hair back out because I was sick of seeing my face in the mirror.
I've been misgendered a lot in public.
One incident, I was waiting in line at the post office near campus. Picking up a package from a guy I'd seen hundreds of times before. He called me "sir". I just stared at him, on the verge of tears, while he laughed it off and apologized.
My best friend took a selfie of us one night while we hung out. She showed it to her boyfriend. He asked who the guy in the photo was.
One of my bosses accidentally called me "sir".
I looked at an old picture of myself could barely believe it was me. It was a little dissociating.
Since my time living alone, I've opened up a lot to "feminine" things. I just started learning how to do my own makeup. I've been buying dresses, learning to walk in heels. Buying clothes for myself. Not because I gave in. Not because I was forced. Because I'm in the early stages of learning to accept myself. To not feel awkward, because the body I have is nowhere near the body I want. My proportions are off: I have wide shoulders, a big belly, small hips, dark, bushy eyebrows. The only thing that I actually like about my body that feels feminine is my chest.
People have trouble seeing that I'm trying to present as female and it really upsets me when, no matter how hard I try, I know that I'm androgynous at best.
And this is the complicated part: I like to be referred to as male if it's on my terms. That night that I went out dressed as a guy? I wanted people to call me "sir". Because I had this alter ego that I'd created. My "masculine" self. Someone that was more confident, self aware, protective. I named that alter ego, and if I'm in a certain mood, that's how I'll present myself.
There's still a part of me that - depending on my mood and the time of day - I view as male and almost a separate person from myself. That person is confident in themselves. I'm not when it's just me.
I suppose I just wanted some perspective. I don't want to intrude on the trans community in no way, shape or form. And I know everyone's experiences are different. But nonbinary is such a new term to me and I really have no one to talk to about this. I've never told anyone because I'm ashamed.
So I would just like people who are confident in their identity to sort of shed some light on my experiences.
I wanted to start off by saying that I'm DFAB. Only because it makes the rest of my issue a little easier to understand I suppose?
When I was young, I was a pretty normal kid. Solitary, intelligent, studious. I hit puberty early and gained a lot of weight. I went from having a waifish frame to developing breasts and a stomach that caused a lot of unwanted attention. Mainly teasing. Fat kids never get a break.
Around that time, I recognized that in imaginative play, I always wanted to be male. We're playing house? I'm the dad. We're playing with dolls? I'm Ken. Even in my relationships with other girls, I always viewed myself as the more masculine type that initiated things.
I rejected a lot of traditionally feminine things growing up. I wore dress shirts and pants instead of dresses. I outright refused to wear heels for prom. Every Halloween it was a perfect chance for me to get into something where I could play a guy. One year in high school my costume was literally just me trying to pass as male - I bought jeans, an oversized t-shirt, binded my chest, and slicked my hair back. It tickled me when I went out into public like that.
When living alone for the first time, in college, I suffered through a lot. I had depression and anxiety that was going untreated. At first, I loved the freedom of doing what I wanted. I ended up shaving half my hair and felt so <not allowed> confident the day I came home. But then my insecurities barreled their way through and I ended up hating how I looked. I tried to grow my hair back out because I was sick of seeing my face in the mirror.
I've been misgendered a lot in public.
One incident, I was waiting in line at the post office near campus. Picking up a package from a guy I'd seen hundreds of times before. He called me "sir". I just stared at him, on the verge of tears, while he laughed it off and apologized.
My best friend took a selfie of us one night while we hung out. She showed it to her boyfriend. He asked who the guy in the photo was.
One of my bosses accidentally called me "sir".
I looked at an old picture of myself could barely believe it was me. It was a little dissociating.
Since my time living alone, I've opened up a lot to "feminine" things. I just started learning how to do my own makeup. I've been buying dresses, learning to walk in heels. Buying clothes for myself. Not because I gave in. Not because I was forced. Because I'm in the early stages of learning to accept myself. To not feel awkward, because the body I have is nowhere near the body I want. My proportions are off: I have wide shoulders, a big belly, small hips, dark, bushy eyebrows. The only thing that I actually like about my body that feels feminine is my chest.
People have trouble seeing that I'm trying to present as female and it really upsets me when, no matter how hard I try, I know that I'm androgynous at best.
And this is the complicated part: I like to be referred to as male if it's on my terms. That night that I went out dressed as a guy? I wanted people to call me "sir". Because I had this alter ego that I'd created. My "masculine" self. Someone that was more confident, self aware, protective. I named that alter ego, and if I'm in a certain mood, that's how I'll present myself.
There's still a part of me that - depending on my mood and the time of day - I view as male and almost a separate person from myself. That person is confident in themselves. I'm not when it's just me.
I suppose I just wanted some perspective. I don't want to intrude on the trans community in no way, shape or form. And I know everyone's experiences are different. But nonbinary is such a new term to me and I really have no one to talk to about this. I've never told anyone because I'm ashamed.
So I would just like people who are confident in their identity to sort of shed some light on my experiences.
Title: Re: Your opinion?
Post by: Dena on March 29, 2016, 07:51:23 PM
Post by: Dena on March 29, 2016, 07:51:23 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. Binary, non binary and CIS are all welcome here so don't feel you are intruding. I am binary as a MTF transsexual but I have been working with non binary members a good deal. You fit the definition of transgender and non binary because of your uncertainty with you your gender. Where exactly you fit, you will have to decide but I can give you some help. If your identity shifts from time to time, you would be fluid or bi gender. If your identity is constant but consist of a mix of masculine and feminine there are a number of options that could describe you. Rather than reinventing the wheel, I am referring you to our Wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) that will describe transgender and give you an idea of what the non binary is like. You may not find exactly what you are because non binary is pretty much what ever makes you feel comfortable. After you have looked the page over, feel free to come back and ask more question on this thread and I will do my best to respond to them.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
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Title: Re: Your opinion?
Post by: Satinjoy on March 29, 2016, 09:10:32 PM
Post by: Satinjoy on March 29, 2016, 09:10:32 PM
You have nothing to be ashamed of...
We are much more than labels, more than classifications. Each is unique.
Persona or personality overlays are confusing. It takes a while to sort through it all but it begins with self acceptance.
Shame is taught, put upon us, as if traits of self were more valuable than others, girly girls or burly guys. The truth is that is an illusion. We are as we should be, created unique, and blended. Not a picture of someone elses deifinition of male or female or gender. No its a true picture of our inherent god given divergent design.
Not to be ashamed of.
To be celebrated. Unique as a snowflake and just as beautiful.
Take heart. There is no shame in being you.
Satinjoy
We are much more than labels, more than classifications. Each is unique.
Persona or personality overlays are confusing. It takes a while to sort through it all but it begins with self acceptance.
Shame is taught, put upon us, as if traits of self were more valuable than others, girly girls or burly guys. The truth is that is an illusion. We are as we should be, created unique, and blended. Not a picture of someone elses deifinition of male or female or gender. No its a true picture of our inherent god given divergent design.
Not to be ashamed of.
To be celebrated. Unique as a snowflake and just as beautiful.
Take heart. There is no shame in being you.
Satinjoy
Title: Re: Your opinion?
Post by: Jacqueline on March 29, 2016, 09:39:41 PM
Post by: Jacqueline on March 29, 2016, 09:39:41 PM
SubtleQuirk,
Welcome to Susan's. You have received some great advice in just a few posts. Do explore. You may end up migrating to one end or another. However, you might just end up being fluid. Nothing wrong with that. This site is embraces pretty much anyone if we stick to the rules of the site. I see Dena posted them for you.
Just as a heads up, I did notice and edited out an expletive that is not allowed on the site:
Once again welcome. Look around, ask more questions and join in. Hope you find what you are looking for.
With warmth,
Joanna
Welcome to Susan's. You have received some great advice in just a few posts. Do explore. You may end up migrating to one end or another. However, you might just end up being fluid. Nothing wrong with that. This site is embraces pretty much anyone if we stick to the rules of the site. I see Dena posted them for you.
Just as a heads up, I did notice and edited out an expletive that is not allowed on the site:
QuoteTOS 11. Foul or obscene language, and/or subjects belongs on the street, Please do not bring it on to my site.
Once again welcome. Look around, ask more questions and join in. Hope you find what you are looking for.
With warmth,
Joanna